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Come With Me Through The Gates Of Heaven

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Poster Boy Priest

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January 1, 2004

                Well, the first day of the year and I get a phone call from Don “Donnie” DiRusso from Florida. He had to tell me that he was his aunt’s funeral- Mrs. Dora Bizzatto- in Westminster. It seemed that after the funeral at St. Edwards his other aunt-Mrs. Evelyn Delmonico-started telling people in her about “him” (Fr. Kardas. She was telling about the article in the newspaper-last February- about McCormick being interviewed by Kathleen A. Shaw.  He said that his Aunt Evelyn was blistering about me with very strong comments that were “very favorable.”

                I told Donne about the article in that there was nothing new then what was printed in 1995. But, Evelyn was on a vendetta run with her husband Ralph Delmonico. Let’s not forget, Ralph was the guy in 1993 going up and down Main Street-literally-telling everyone that would listen that I stole $40,000 from the parish. (He was the guy that used to be a “Sunday Mass Collection” with the long handles poking parishioners taking up the collection and holding-up the back wall by the main church door during Mass-refusing to be part of the assembly. These two-Evelyn and Ralph-had attitude incorporated not only with the church but in general. They were not fun people to have for breakfast.

                But what this did show by the last February article and clergy media reporting that there was a “trashing” as one priest told me. It was over and over again and continued on. 

January 5, 2004

                I watched a one hour special on cable of NECN entitled “Father Paul Shanley-Crisis in the Church. I watched how Shanley was presented as being penury with his court appearance and interviews. He was shown in an extreme light and often giggly frugality. Obviously, it was not a positive picture given in the program. One has to remember that in the early 70s; Shanley was known as the “Street Priest” in Boston and was lamented. Here it is 30 years later and the media is feasting on a totally different presentation. 

January 6, 2004

                I received a phone call from “Father Peacock” to ask me to get something to eat before I attend my Tuesday AA meeting.

                What was peculiar was Tuesdays he was gone on his “day-off.” I always realized he had an angle working whenever I would get a phone call from him. I know this sounds paranoid, but I don’t think I am that far-off on this guy.

                He proceeded to tell me that he called Fr. John Paul Gagnon (Administrative Leave). He said he spoke with him for some period of time. He bluntly said to me that he does not want to have the dinner that he was hoping to have at his rectory with 3 or 4 other priest on Administrative Leave with him hosting the group-included me. I just listened. There was something else going on where he didn’t want to be identified with this special undertaking on his part-gathering the “wayward bother priest.”

                I wondered about this whole thing. What was “Father Peacock” true motive? Thinking about it, he most of hear from Gagnon that another priest was becoming the liaison with priest on Administrative Leave (Fr. George Riddick).  “Father Peacock” only did things in the Church to become a Monsignor. I believe that he thought by getting such a position, he would have his last chance because of his age to become that “Monsignor.” There was a reason for that spe9ial dinner being canceled by him. Father Gagnon was one that knew all the priest gossip that was not fit to print in the diocese.

                I really did min that this was big cancelled. This was not a group that I would hang-around with overall besides priestly meetings.

                This same meal the conversation turned somehow where I said: Isn’t it peculiar that my case is similar toyshop Harrington’s drunk driving accident with a teenager being seriously hurt in the other vehicle. “Father Peacock” snapped back at me: “”Your case was sex.” I responded that my case was only an allegation, not an actual account of Harrington’s fact (slipped away from the accident by the police department). Nothing more was said. Actually, the silence was dealing. But, he did come back with: “No one will fire your case-up because they are fearful of getting sued.” This was the fear and control factor that “Father Peacock” would use at times. This occurred mainly when times that he was frustrated or possibly me coming too close to another issue in his background. It was very oblivious with his face becoming red with anger. It was as though the “Ugly American” model of late using others in an individualistic super-cognitive dualistic manner.

                This is like the words in the song Hotel California: “You can sing out anytime, but you can never leave.” A number of times, I had people tell me to leave. Where I responded, it is my vocation you are talking about. I had to realize that it was “smoking minors” trying to explain to certain individuals-they really didn’t want to see what it really was. 

January 7, 2004

                The Sentinel & Enterprise and the Worcester Telegram & Gazette carried practically the same front page story on the Worcester Diocese Sex Abuse Audit.

                The Sentinel & Enterprise story “Diocese lauded for abuse outreach: Critics say audit is superficial, doesn’t address she root of the problem.” Matt O’Brien reports: “Worcester-An audit found the Worcester Catholic Diocese in full compliance with the 2002 Dallas Charter on clergy sexual abuse, a set of mandatory guidelines set forth by the U.S Catholic bishops.

                “Church leaders in Worcester County celebrated Tuesday findings, which praised the diocese for its outreach work to protect children from sexual abuse, while critics lambasted the assessment as superficial.

                “ ‘The gave themselves a good report card,’ said Ann Hagan Webb, a New England coordinator for the Survivors Network of those Abuse by Priests, as she learned about the national results. ‘They hired auditors that the picked.’

                “The review led by two former FBI officials working for Boston-based contractors, the Gavin Group, commended the Worcester Diocese for its ‘openness and transparency in dealing with issues of sexual abuse of minors.’   

                “The auditors, in a report released Tuesday also praised the diocese for the ‘protection involvement’ of a diocesan review committee that began in Worcester 10 years before the Boston clergy abuse crisis erupted…”1

                This same day, in addition the Worcester Telegram & Gazette printed the story “Dioceses follow abuse reforms.” Denise Lavoie of The Associated Press writes: “The archdiocese at the epicenter of the clergy sex abuse scandal is complying with reforms put in place by the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, according to a report released yesterday.

                “Some sex abuse victims and their advocates said the report, which measured compliance wit a policy established by the bishops in June 2002, was flawed because bishops themselves had to much control over the review process.

                “The audit praised the Boston Archdiocese for an aggressive outreach program, which has included sponsoring a national conference of mental health processionals to deal with issues related to sex abuse by priests.

                “Investigators also commended Boston for its efforts to give 200,000 churches and school workers, including priest ‘safe environment’ training to identify and present abuse, and for establishing a support group for the parents of people who have been abuse by priests.

                “Dioceses in Springfield, Worcester and Fall River also were found to be in compliance.

                “The auditors made recommendations in seven areas where they said archdiocese had not gone far enough. Included in those was a call for the church to better publicize the procedures for filing complaints of clergy sex abuse, and that the archdiocese should establish a record-keeping system to document all allegations of abuse reported to state Attorney Thomas F. Reilly.

                “In July, Reilly released a scathing report saying that 250 Boston-area priests and church workers had probably molested as many as 1,000 people between 1940 and 2000.

                “In their report, the auditors said Boston had complied with five of the seven recommendations as of Dec. 1,2003…Some said bishops had too much control over how the audit was conducted. Auditors were unable to review personal files that would verify whether bishops were complaining with a ban on transferring offenders frame diocese to another. The bishops recommended who the auditors should interview.

“‘Essentially, they picked the auditors, they chose what to show them,’ said Ann Hagan Webb, co-coordinator for the New England chapter of the Survivors Network of Those Abused by Priests.”2 

January 9, 2004

                We get the same story working on the front page of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette but by another reporter than Shaw and Nangle. Luttrell’s story is “Local diocese reform steps commended: Audit commends diocese” states: “Worcester-An audit showing that 90 percent of the country’s dioceses were complying with reforms put in place by the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops commended the Diocese of Worcester for taking steps to protect young people from clergy sexual abuse.

                “The audit, done largely by former FBI agent, commended the diocese for being in full compliance with the reforms and offered no instructions or recommendations for further measures.

                “Mary T. Jean of Worcester Voice, an activist who works with victims of clergy abuse, said the audit was self-serving and showed no new efforts on behalf of victims.

                “Diocese spokesman Raymond L. Delise disagreed, as did the head of the auditing firm.

                “The audit, by the Gavin Group Inc., looked at how 195 dioceses around the country complied with the Chapter for the Protection of Children and Young People, drafted in June 2002 by the Conference of Catholic Bishops in response to the pedophile priest crisis.

                “ ‘The audit process and the resulting report underscore that we are committed to healing and restoring trust by demonstrating our support for both letter and the spirit of the charter,’ Bishop Daniel P. Reilly, bishop of the Diocese of Worcester, said in a prepared statement.

                “The Diocese of Worcester was audited as part of the first group of dioceses, from June 23 to 27.the diocese comprises 126 parishes and 26 schools, has 244 priests and 76 deacons serving a population of 390,657 Catholics, the report says.

                “Among areas the audit examined was the exclusion from ministry of priests and others found guilty of abuse; conducting background checks on employees, priests and volunteers and volunteers on how to identify abuse.

                “The diocese was commended for the ‘excellence of the Diocese’s communications policy and procedures reflecting the bishop’s commitment to openness and transparency in dealing with issues of sexual abuse of minors,’ the report states…”3

                It is interesting to watch these reports and the PR issue by the Church. It gets: Who’s on first and what’s on second. The issue at hand is lost in the word game. 

January 10, 2004

                This day we get in the “Local News” of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette a story by Kathleen A. Shaw “Legal bills and cemetery costs put diocese in the red.” She writes: “Worcester-The Diocese of Worcester finished its fiscal year with a loss of about $800,000, which included major deficits in the cemetery system and a payout of more that #325,000 for legal fees and other cost related to allegations of clergy sexual abuse.

                “In the fiscal year that ended Aug. 31, the diocese also had to take more than $288,000 from the central administration fund to make up for a shortfall in the Bishop’s Fund.

                “The diocese released its annual financial statement yesterday. Raymond L. Delisle, diocesan spokesman, said expense exceeded income by $793,996.

                “The bulk of money that went to the central administration fund came from the cathedratiucum, which is a tax on proceeds from parish collections that go directly to the diocese. It is assessed according to canon law throughout the worldwide Roman Catholic Church to provide money to dioceses. In this diocese, the tax is 7 percent…”4

                What I find interesting is a reporter like Shaw is taking this annual report and making statements that one has to interpret in context and questions: What does any one figure “truly” represent. The best one that I heard when I was taking the “new pastors” course at Anna Maria College where the professor on economics had the annual diocesan report from the printing of the Catholic Free Press saying time and time again on figures: I’m not sure what this figure means? So, drawing that the diocese ran 2003 in the “red” in regards to what overall factor? I know that one would say: “Red” means money in deficit nature- losing money.

                My case was settled in 1998 by the diocese. So, the monies paid out for priest sex abuse figure would not be included in this 2003 financial report. Therefore, one had to watch where the lines are in such money matters.  

January 14, 2004

                The cartoon “B.C.” this day in the newspaper had “You know” machine giving “Chin answer”: “You know your trail is heading south when your lawyer objects to your swearing to tell the truth and nothing but the truth.”5

                When I read this in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette, I, immediately, recalled how my civil lawyer called me to say: You’re case has been settled. I was shocked because I never was actually able to give my whole story and tell the “truth.” The truth was that I never molested these two girls that claimed that I allegated or anyone for that matter. I was never given an opportunity to defend myself or for that matter make those statements besides in my deposition. The case was settled without my agreeing to settle the suits or anything else. I was, only, told by Attorney Carey: It is over. I recall saying to him: What is over?

                Oh! This is the second anniversary of my last contact with anything with my bishop-appointment at Chancery with Bishop Reilly. This was the meeting that I asked for help with my “rent” and gave him the list of “Stolen items from the rectory.” It reminded that I was given a positive confirmation of hope and list being addressed-end of story on Reilly’s political part.

                What I did notice, again, was while writing my “journal” and text that my shoulder became tight and I was feeling more tense than usual. I went outside for my three-mile walk (approx. 60 min.) to clear my head and find a means of relaxation in this walking. But, my body was sore at the shoulders. I kept reminding myself in the walk to relax.  

January 15, 2004

                “Therapists confer to help abuse victims: Archbishop says counseling needed” appeared in this day’s issue of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette. Denise Lavoie of The Associated Press writes: “Newton-Nearly 200 social workers, psychologist another mental health professionals from a dozen states came to the epicenter of the clergy sex abuse crisis yesterday for a groundbreaking conference aimed at finding the best methods for treating victims of clergy abuse.

                “Many of the speakers at the conference were nationally known experts in treating child sexual abuse, but they readily acknowledged that clergy sex abuse is a relative new area for them and one that requires specialized treatment.

                “ ‘We know very little about the impact of clergy sexual abuse,’ which is different in ‘important and fundamental ways’ from sexual child abuse, said Terrace Keane, a professor of psychiatry at the Boston University school of Medicine and director of The National Center for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

                “The conference was co-sponsored by Boston College and the Archdiocese of Boston. The clergy sex abuse scandal erupted two years ago in Boston with revelations that church officials had shuffled pedophile priest John J. Geoghan fro parish to parish even after learning of abuse allegations against him.

                “The scandal widened after internal church documents showed that dozens of priest were similarly protected after the church received abuse allegations against them. The scandal spread to dioceses across the country as more and more victims came forward to say they were abused by priests as children…”6

                A couple of points must be recognized as the crisis of the last two year begins to ask: What was happening to me in 1993? The other point of the “scandal spread…more and more victims came foreword” is only beginning more questions: Why now? Do you mean to say that no one spoke out but when one realized, as the experts say-a new phenomena – we have people connecting dots to get what we have now. Where would money play into the formula or agenda against the Roman Catholic Church in its teachings? 

January 16, 2004

                John L. Allen, Jr. writes this day in the National Catholic Reporter with “The Word from Rome: Rome greets audit with appreciation, reservations.” He writes: “On Jan. 6, the W.S, bishops issued the first of three much-anticipated reports on she sex abuse crisis. The report presented was an audit of American dioceses on their compliance with the Charter for the Protection of Children and Young People adopted by the bishops in Dallas in June 2002. The report found that 90 percent of dioceses are in basic compliance, a result that player to largely positive comment in the American press; although victims’ groups argued that since the auditors worked for the bishop it was not a credible probe…

                “At the same time, however, officials continued to voice reservations about some aspects of the American approach.

“For one thing, officials told me, it’s still unclear to them what ‘sexual abuse’ means in the American context. Thus if the John Jay report lists ‘X number of incidents in Y years,’ these officials will wonder what the criteria were for classifying something as an ‘incident.’ This becomes a particularly acute problem if one review board in one diocese decides that a given behavior constitutes sexual abuse and thus a priest is removed for life, while I another diocese similar behavior triggers no disciplinary consequences (What if your bishop had a drunken driving accident of a teen bodily harm?)

“Second, some officials still question the ‘zero tolerance’ policy itself which stipulates that a priest will be revoked from ministry for life for even one incident of sexual abuse of a minor. These officials believe that in cases of a less serious offense in the distant past, priest would, at least in some instances, be able to resume a ministry.

“A related concern has to do with due process rights. One hears horror stories in the Vatican about priest who have been suspended as a result of an accusation, and then ‘cut off’ by their bishops, with no further communication and hence no chance  for their day in court (Try me and my story. What I find interesting was that my case was not the only one that was “cut off.”  Rome was aware of the operations of their bishops and realized how heavy handed some cases were. Yet, I became a statistic overall.)

“Finally, some Vatican officials continue to express reservations about the role of the National Review Board, especially the concept that laity are exercising a sort of ill-defined authority over bishops (Shut-out).”7

This one of those rare times that I read anything of what has happened to me by the isolation of my situation and the Worcester Chancery “Goon” Squad. I wondered: What if we-priest- had the Priests’ “Union” functioning?

Another article in this same issue “Audit avoids basic question: Why? Report measured a bureaucratic response to a bureaucratic solution, says expert on abuse crisis” by Fr. Thomas Doyle. He writes: “The lengthily and detailed report on the implementation of the Charter for the Protection of Children and Young People contains much to commend it. There seems little doubt that hits is a good ‘first step’ but it is far from the end of the road. These bishops and others who believe that the institutional church and the bishops have turned the corner are sadly mistaken. While the repots reflects definite progress, the deficiencies loom and must be both acknowledged and someday addressed if the so-called ‘corner’ is ever to be reached and the end of the road-a church of openness, trust and compassing led by a majority of leaders with similar virtues-is to be seen.

                “The major problem with this report and the prices it describes is that it seems primarily geared toward re-establishing the lost credibility of the bishops rather than getting at the root cause of the sex abuse nightmare and thereby effectively dealing with the many painful aspects of this nightmare. True, the report examines the norms of the charter in great detail and at times makes realistic and pointed observations followed by good recommendations. The problem is that the entire endeavor only scratched the surface and this, by design. The purpose of the audit process was to determine compliance with the charter which tells very little of the total clergy abuse story. The report is certain to disappoint and anger victims, survivors, their families and loved one, their supporters and many other laity, clergy and religious who have been waiting for an adequate organizational response to this terrible dark night of Cathol-icism’s corporate soul…The rot of the problem is not a few thousand dysfunctional clerics. It is far deeper than that…”8

                This is the Father Doyle that the media credits for started to make public the priests’ sex abuse crisis in the United States when he was working the Vatican Embassy in Washington. Doyle was practically “exiled” because he then became an Air Force Chaplin in Germany.

                I received a belated Christmas-picture card from David Laughrea in California. David knew me from my first assignment at St. George’s and corresponded annually with a Christmas card. This year he wrote: “I found out from my mother and father that you are retired.” This is how certain people out here have me classified. What I wondered was where did his father-Jim- get that type of information to tell his son?

January 20, 2004

                I have experienced my good times to write and not so good even at times, I am unable to turn my computer on to do my book or journal. I call this experience my “roller-coaster ride” with the ups and downs of life in general.

                What I noticed previously and experience time and again that I am struggling with emotional ups and downs that I try to adapt where I try to not carry on my daily routine.

                I do experience at times when I recall a phrase or thought that I recall when I may have been laying in bed during the night. I was at a point of taking a slip of paper and pen on my night table to jot it on paper. I’ve changed that routine because I had to discipline myself to say “sleep time is sleep time.”

                I want to finish writing my book section and wanting to do this now to move on to project-novel writing. I noticed that my writing is more objective and rational style. I have a rhythm going at this time. When I write I try to block-in a plan of 2 or 4 hour bracket.  

January 25, 2004

                Now here is a story that is something we do not have in Worcester Diocese. The closest of anything as such was in the early 70s with Bishop Flanagan, as the Ordinary, of a “Priest Association (Union).” It only lasted five year, mainly due to the fact that it consisted of “curates” (Associate Pastors). I was a member and recall that Monsignor Manning and Father Rueger would not even talk at meal time in the rectory at St. Georges, Worcester. What was peculiar was our bishop (Flanagan) allowed the “union” to function. The pastors were the issue. It was a definite need for a “rights” issue. But, it had a fast-death because the members were experiencing rectory difficulties-living with the absolute pastor model. It was an interesting experience that eventually had Rueger be my “executor” as auxiliary bishop-Harrington’s lap dog.

                So, the Worcester Telegram & Gazette prints this day “Clerical group struggling: Boston Priests’ Forum trying to define its purpose” by Jay Lindsay of The Associated Press.

                “The article reads: “Boston-A pioneering group that gained prominence during the sex abuse crisis as a voice for long-silent clergy is struggling to define its purpose even as some priests criticize it as divisive and barley functioning.

                “The Boston Priests’ Forum got its start as a place for clergy to socialize and support each other and soon found itself rallying around a single issue-concern about the handling of the church abuse scandal by Cardinal Bernard F. Law.

                “Now, a year after Law resigned, the forum finds itself caught between retuning to its roots as a fraternal organization or developing the pubic voice it found during the height of the crisis, said the Rev. Robert W. Bullock, the group’s president.

                “The forum might best serve priests as an independent vice, but that could also cause major discord, said the Rev. Thomas A. Mahoney, the group’s treasurer.

                “‘That’s why this is a difficult crossroads to come to,’ he said.

                “The Boston Priests’ forum was founded in 2001 by three priests who began meeting over dinner to discuss the theology and chronic problems of the priesthood, such as isolation and overwork.

                ‘When the abuse scandal broke in January 2002, group leaders took on a role as a public voice for clerics who saw church elders as unresponsive to their concerns about false accusations and plummeting morale…”9

                This is the unanswerable question in my case and I image many others: What if? We will never know. The hierarchy made sure of that. 

January 23, 2004

                I came across an interesting thought in my writing of my manuscript: Sermon style for weekend liturgies-If you have a comfortable Jesus in you life agenda, it is not Jesus.  Most interesting to have this renewed thought to carry in the memory bank. 

January 28, 2004.

                I noticed that writing my manuscript that I was, another explanation, going through a yo-yo emotional feelings. I had found it difficult this day and last few weeks difficult to write, mainly because of related newspaper stories of late.  

January 30, 2004

                At times, I felt as though I was being treating as a ‘welfare case.” I was doing non-priestly work. But, I had the impression that some people think I didn’t do anything but get a monthly “salary.”  I actually have been told that I didn’t do anything. Oh? I would get very defensive at times with this when asked: What have you been doing?

                Finally, I became somewhat smart and developed a standard response: I have a daily routine that is quite extensive. I realized that manuscript work and writing wasn’t substituted for living. I was trying to live a normal life pattern as conditions have been established.

                One conversation that I had with a former parishioner made the remark to me that when a new bishop comes to Worcester that he would bet me doing something back in the Church. I didn’t have this hope. I was somewhat resolved to functioning with my priesthood was going to be in” the cave.” I think I was pragmatic enough to keep a focus on doing the best with the conditions that were in my area of living. There were forces that were pushing me to get a “real life.” But, overall, the vocation issue of my priesthood was the key to my personhood. 

January 31, 2004

                The Worcester Telegram & Gazette front page story in large headlines gives us this day “Report on clergy abuse released: Conte responds to public concern: Statements from 113 victims used to investigations.” Roger Leo of the Telegram & Gazette Staff reports: “Worcester-To assure the public that has office has followed evidence of clergy sexual abuse wherever it leads, District Attorney John J. Conte yesterday released a report of investigation that began in February 2002 and continue today.

                “Mr. Conte’s report showed 17 clerics have been charged with criminal sexual abuse since 1985 and eight others were to criminally charged but have been removed from ministry.

                “Ten of the accused priests were charged between 1985 and the mid-1990s, while seven others have been charged as a result of an ongoing investigation that began in 2002; one of those seven has pleaded guilty and one was found not guilty. The cases of the other five are ongoing.

                “The report also showed that allegations of a clergy sexual abuse peaked in 1979, when 56 offenses wee alleged, and dropped precipitously after 1989.

                “Explaining the unusual step of releasing information about on-going investigations, the report titled ‘Report on Clergy Cases January 2004,’ states: ‘This report is essential to respond to widespread pubic concern about allegations of sexual abuse by members of the clergy.

                “ ‘This information is provided to encourage victims to come forward, assist victims at understanding the investigative process, and assure the public that this office has been following the evidence wherever it leads… To date, the report states, 113 victims have provided statements to state police investigators or local police, while another 18 victims have declined to give statements sot investigate…

                “Statements taken to date (Chart): statements resulting in charges-35; statements asserting claim barred by statue of limitations-58; statements asserting fact that do not constitute criminal conduct-4; statements that require further investigation-7; statements asserting claims that are outside the Middle District jurisdiction-4; statements asserting claims against deceased persons-3; statements in which victims decline to cooperate with prosecution-2; total statements taken to date-113 (Source: Office of the District Attorney).”10 

January/February 2004

                The Atlantic Monthly issue this month had an article by Father Andrew Greeley “Young Fogy’s: Young reactionaries, aging radicals-the U.S. Catholic Church unusual clerical divide.” He writes: “The divisions created by Vatican II are not new, of course. Caught up in the reform euphoria that followed the council, the lower clergy and the laity almost immediately developed a new ideology based on respect for women and for the freedom (including the sexual freedom) of the laity. On these matters, quietly or loudly, the laity and the lower clergy did resist the teachings of the Church.

                “The backlash was swift, Church leaders realizing that reform had slipped out of their control, grew increasingly convinced of the need for Restoration-a movement n which the upper clergy would close ranks and reassert their authority. Newly appointed bishops would restore the rules; theologians who disagreed would be silenced; and, as much as possible, the old order would be re-established. Even some of the progressives of the council, frightened by the laity’s exuberant interest in change and by the declining influence of the Church in the United States, lost their nerve and joined in the call for a Restoration. Today’s young conservative priests are rallying to the call.

                “Who are these young counter-revolutionaries? Several studies are helpful in answering this question: a 1970 National Opinion study (with which I was involved); two studies released by the Los Angeles Times, in 1994 and 2oo2; and a 2002 study by the sociologist Dean R. Hoges. Hoge’s The First Five Years of the Priesthood: A Study of Newly Ordained Catholic Priests is particularly useful. Hoge reports that half the newly ordained priests are fundamentally different from layperson-that he is literally a man apart. Hoge also reports that almost a third of these priests feel that the laity need to be ‘better educated to respect the authority of the priest’s word.’ These beliefs are strikingly at odds with other of the predominantly liberal generation of new priests studied in the 1970 NORC survey. Today’s young priests tend to want to restore the power that the clergy held not only before Vatican II but also before a large educated Catholic laity emerged as a powerful force in the Church after World War II. Older priest today often complain that their younger colleges are arrogant, pompous, and rigid and that they love to parade around in clerical dress. The image that comes to mind is young versions of the old ethnic monsignors of the Depression ear.

                “Stark differences exist between older and younger priest on many major areas of concern within the Church. The 2002 Los Angeles Times study reveals that priests of the Vatican II generation overwhelmingly support the idea that priests should be allowed to marry. In the study 80 percent aged forty-six to sixty-five were in favor, as were 74 percent of those aged sixty-six to seventy-five. Only about half the priests under thirty-five, however, supported the idea. The study revealed a clear divide, too, on the ordination of women. Sixty percent of priest aged fifty-six to sixty-five, and at least half of those aged forty-six to seventy-five, supported the idea, but only 36 percent of priests under forty-six did. Significantly, even priests over seventy-five-whose news toll take well before Vatican II-were slightly more likely to support the marriage of priests and the ordination of women than were the young priests…”11

                I have submitted a significant amount of print from the article by Greeley to express the great divide of the “young fogy’s”   from my group, ordained in the early 1970s. I even saw this with a young man from St. Edward’s parish, which was teaching in a Catholic High School, and decided to enter the priesthood. He was only a lector and would never participate in anything else in the parish because he was “too busy.” Then, he would run away. I thought possibly it was a personality issue with me. So, I asked the parish music director to try to get him involved with a few projects. He gave the same answer to her.  This group of “young fogy’s” was also known as “sanctuary candle stick polishers.” They did not mix-it-up with ordinary parishioners.  

February 2, 2004

                This day the Worcester Telegram & Gazette prints “Report from DA draws split verdict: Critics say document lacks details” by Martin Luttrell. He writes: “”Worcester-Representatives of the Catholic Diocese of Worcester said a report issued last week by District Attorney John J. Conte shows that the diocese is working with him to investigate allegations of pedophile priests, and that the majority of the cases reported are several years old.

                “But advocates for the victims have misgivings, contending that the district attorney’s report shows nothing about an investigation into the chancery or how the clergy abuse problem was allowed to grow.

                “ ‘It’s a situation that seems to have decreased dramatically since 1979,’ said James G. Reardon Jr., a lawyer for the diocese. He was referring to statistics complied by the district attorney’s office that showed allegations of clergy sex abuse peaked at 56 in1079,then feel steadily until 1989, when fewer than 10 cases were alleged to have occurred.

                “ ‘I don’t see a lot of these (victims) coming forward,’ Mr. Reardon said. ‘Most are historical claims going back 20 years. Something obviously happened to change the dynamic involved.

                “‘Even most of the civil claims are for allegations more than 20 years ago,’ he continued. ‘The magnitude of the problem seems to have decreased dramatically. His statistics bear that out,’ he said of Mr. Conte's report.

                “The district attorney’s investigations began in February 2002 and continue. The report, released Friday , shows that 17  clerics have been charged with criminal sexual abuse since 1985 and that eight others were not criminally charged but have been removed form ministry…”12

                I was reading on the Internet a Catholic segment that reported that the National Catholic Reporter was going to list “Tracking list of names of clergy that have been alleged with articles” pertaining to their specifics, This was a feeling as though I was hit by a punch in my stomach. I had this experience before that I believe I described as being hit with a ‘stomach-pit feeling.” 

February 5, 2004

                Mrs. Connie Rivard died a massive heart attack at the Westminster Inn pool. I was told she finished her daily swim and sat on a beach chair and that was it.

                Connie was my parish secretary-did the weekly bulletin- on a totally volunteer bases. She was doing the bulletin for two other pastors previous to me. She gave three or four days a week in the office.

                She was one person that may have had the character of New Hampshire old state flag motto: Don’t thread on me. She was interesting with her questions to me where I tried to answer them as best as I was able. I believe she knew that.

                She was strong natured but very dedicated to the parish. She did have the knack with her friend to write letters to the bishop. I mean, she would write “strong” letters before my time with previous pastors and church situations and especially when I was removed. She walked with me through a lot while I was in the parish and after-twice a week went to lunch with her and Mrs. Vickie Mitchell. They would do their grocery shopping after lunch. Connie was something. It was good to have her on my side especially when I was renovating the parish church and building died the “Faith Community Center.”

                I spoke with her the day before she by phone after I shoveled her walks. Our phone conversation was my last communication with her. It was a lengthily and nice conversation of a number of topics.

                Connie was precious. 

February 6, 2004

                I spoke with Attorney Jim Morarity by phone. It was a general conversation with nothing specific. We did talk about the priest sex abuse issue. He mentioned how he noticed that because of Geoghan and Paul Shanley in Boston that Worcester Diocese was “jumpy and so uptight.” He mentioned that my case was nothing like the Boston cases. He, also, commented how the Church was a theocracy and absolute power: “They have all the cards.” He mentioned how things were not in my control and I had to be practical. I did respond that I knew I didn’t have any control over my situation. He said: “It is a mothball situation.”

                This reminded how I was taking a ride with Jack Keena day to NH for his “libation supplies” where he asked me: “You mean you’re not going to do anything-with the Worcester Diocese.” I said: “No! Not at this time.” Typical Jack as a retired salesman had it in his blood to even go into the den of the devil if it would produce a sale. Jack would rush-in on situations. I didn’t even go any further with explaining to him because he was on a different wave length of addressing issues.

                Back to Jim, he and I would speak periodically where he was a parishioner from Westminster. We would have some interesting “chats.” 

                I sent a letter to Attorney Ted Carey in Boston asking for copies of depositions in my case for my personal file. More times I wanted to check what was said on matters in my case. I should have requested this immediately in 1995 but did not believe anything of substance happened in my overall case. Boy! I was wrong because I now re-read exactly what was said and what thing were being “frozen” that never were related on my part as Bishop Harrington treatment and reasons for that conduct.

                I was, also, thinking of late about Bishop Dupre of Springfield (MA) Diocese alleged sex abuse case by two men some two decades before. I was thinking-did not do- of sending a note to Rueger saying: He (Dupre) wasn’t lucky as you were. I would have sent this note with a smiling face of the bottom of the paper.  One huge reason was that Rueger received the Vatican’s “Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval” of being innocent on his alleged sex abuse situation.

One of the books that has been written during this time of upheaval in the Church- Vows of Silence: The Abuse of Power in the Papacy of John Paul II  by Jason Berry and Gerald Renner and reviewed by Tom Roberts in the National Catholic Reporter.

                Roberts writes: “The church should read this book not because it contains startling new revelations and certainly not because it is uplifting or edifying. It should be read because it will train our focus, in these days of reports and audits on what we must consider-church leadership and accountability. It is a must-read because it pulls together, as is only possible in a reported book of this length, the clear evidence of how deeply ingrained is the culture of clerical secrecy that allowed the scandal to flourish. It makes clear that matter how many new reports and norms are issued, no matter how many Episcopal apologies are stacked up amid the wreckage of the crisis, the only real way out of the current mess is to institute bold new mechanisms for establishing transparency and for holding church leadership accountable.

                “Both Jason Berry and Gerald Renner are respected journalist whose carriers encompass print and reporting on myriad subjects but who are probably most widely known for the groundbreaking work each has done in unearthing the clergy sex abuse crisis and the culture of clerical secrecy.

                “By way of full disclosure, their work, individually and as a team has appeared in NCR. Berry’s career is inextricably linked to NCR; his reporting constituted the major contribution to the earliest reports of the sex abuse scandal nearly 20 years ago in these pages.

                “This book is a dramatic telling of the deeper story of the sex abuse crisis that has gripped large segments of the church for the past two decades and that has hit the elder culture most forcefully in the two years since publication of The Boston Globe’s investigating pieces. Those stories led both to a flurry of activity aimed at dealing with the crisis and the ouster of Cardinal Bernard Law.

                “The story is told primarily through the careers of Dominican Fr. Thomas Doyle, a whistleblower, who early on urged the bishops to listen to the victims and to stop hiding abusive priests, and that of Mexican Fr. Marcial Maciel Degollado, found of the Legion of Christ religious order: Maciel has been accused of sexually abusing seminarians. Under the norms enacted in the United States, given such accusations, he would have been removed from active ministry months ago. However; he remains to only a priest in good standing but a revered figure in Rome who has received clear sings of papal approval…”13

                What this book does do is show how there is different strokes for different folks syndrome. I wonder with the numbers of over 4,00 priest allegated in the United States, how many stories were that where priest were never heard from again without a public announcement. There were cases in the Worcester Diocese. Certain priest just disappeared and no one in the regular priest population knew anything or would not talk. Most guys, really, did not know anything. It was a very interesting place to minister (work) in the 80s and 90s.  

February 9, 2004

                I wrote a letter to my civil lawyer in Boston with a simple request: “Dear Attorney Carey, I would like a copy of each deposition (2) that was taken during the course of discovery in the matter you represented me. I appreciated your assistance. If you have any questions, you can reach me at 978-630-2948. Sincerely,…”14

                What I, finally, did for I was to obtain all pertinent legal material concerning my case. It was time-long overdue- to read the legal facts. 

February 11, 2004

                I received my weekly issue of the National Catholic Reporter which had a weekly column “Washington Notebook: by Joe Feuerherd.  He writes: “The Norms (American Bishops) call on bishops to suspend a pried from ministry once a credible accusation of abuse is brought forward. If the investigation bears out the allegation, the priest (with an exception for the elderly and infirm) is to be removed from ministry.

                “Writing in the Boston College Law Review, (Fr. Ladislas) Orsy S.J. who spelled out his objections to the ‘hasty’ legislation.

                “‘The Norms offer weak protection to innocent priests and deacons who are easy target of groundless accusation,’ he wrote. Meanwhile, the protections that are offered (the accused, for example, ‘is encouraged to retain counsel’) mean little because the legal infrastructure necessary to protect the rights of the accused is almost nonexistent.’ (No kidding!) ‘A priest is suspended and he has no reliable procedure to which he can turn,’ says Orsy. ‘It is so slow so convoluted and so lacking of properly trained personnel-especially in small dioceses-that it is not enough.’

                “ ‘In the law review he put it this way: ‘The diocesan courts in the United States (and elsewhere) are limited in their ability to handle criminal cases. The judges and the offices of the courts were trained primarily for the adjudication Additional problems:

·          The Norms lack a common definition of ‘sexual abuse.’ Writes Orsy: ‘To assign the ultimate responsibility for the definition of the crime to the diocesan bishop/patriarch may result in definitions diverging from place to place and from case to case, not a sound practice in criminal law.’

·          Similarly, the written policies for dealing with sexual abuse issues required by the Norms are to uniform. ‘Such an obvious deficient approach can be explained only by the extreme concern of the Conference to trespass on the jurisdiction of the individual bishops,’ writes Orsy.

·          The ‘Norms offer no legal safeguards to prevent the repetition of misguided actions by bishops’ nor do they give a role to the ‘college of presbyters [priests]’ in ‘resolving the crisis and preventing similar ones in the future.’ Says Orsy: “The fact that a small percentage of them [priests] were sick is not a reason not to use all the intelligence and energy of the rest.’

·          The ‘zero tolerance’ policy included in the Norms fails to made ‘critical distinction.’ Writes Orsy: ‘…the law should have ‘zero tolerance’ toward any crime by proscribing it, but the judge and jury should weigh and ponder the personal responsibility and culpability of the accused 9which can exist on different degrees0 and come to decision accordingly.’

·          The diocesan preview boards established by the Norms serve at the pleasure of the local bishop and are appointed by him. ‘Had the priests and the people of the diocese been given an opportunity to have a voice I the selection of the candidates for the board, the chance to provide wise advice to the bishops would have been greater.’ Says Orsy: ‘The danger that some bishops may appoint persons who will ‘never cause any problems’ is obvious.’”

“The clergy sex abuse crisis, says Orsy, is a symptom of a larger problem: a deeply flawed centralized church management system. There are no effective intermediaries between the world’s 2,7000 dioceses or their equivalents) and Rome. Writes Orsy: ‘They all repot to the Holy See (Rome)-only. No matter what the administrative apparatus of the Holy See is-and it is relatively small-it cannot provide preventive control. By way of comparison, imagine a worldwide corporation with 2,700 local branches and with no intermediate controlling stations between them and the center, which has a relatively small staff…”15

Jesuit Fr. Ladislas Orsy is visiting professor of law at Georgetown University. So, reading this, I never had a chance with Bishop Harrington-my Ordinary- rattling at me: “You’re guilty till proven innocent.” I didn’t punt even if it was fourth-down and 99 yards to go. It was a matter of justice which was only a “mirage” in the Diocese of Worcester.

This same day the Worcester Telegram & Gazette gave us by Rachel Zoll of The Associated Press “Sex abuse by clergy exceeding estimates: Over 1,3000 priests since 1950.”

Zoll writes: “The scope of sexual abuse accusations against Roman Catholic clergy since 1950 appears to be much greater than previously estimated by victims’ groups and the media, an Associated Press review f reports form dioceses has found.

“The U.S. church will make an unprecedented, nationwide accounting of abuse claims and cost later this month, and some bishops already have started releasing local figures. The AP contacted dioceses across the country and found that 1,341 clergy members have been accused of molesting minors, with more than half the dioceses yet to report.” ‘What it’s really doing is showing us in black and white that the problem is much worse than any of us thought,; said Sue Archibald, president of The Linkup, a Kentucky-based victim advocacy group.

“Statistics have yet to be released by some archdioceses that have faced hundreds of allegations, including Boston and Los Angeles.

“A January 2003 review by The New York Times counted 1,205 accused priests nationwide over five decades. Survivors First, an advocacy group compiling its own list for media reports are lawsuits, has counter 1,800.  

“But Paul Baier, of Survivors First, said he compared the numbers his organization collected with reports from 41 dioceses and found the dioceses’ local statistic were double what he had counted.

“ ‘If those trends continue across 195 dioceses, we can see the numbers that’s self-reported by the bishops being twice as high as the names in our pubic database,’ Boer said…”16

When I read such reports, I reflect on Christmas time retail sales and the figures and media reports that are given out. It is the “Whose on first, and what is on second.”  The merchants and retailers give out information that I wonder about because they have to satisfy the shareholders. What is the real story, would we ever know? 

February 12, 2004

                Stan Giza calls me from Palmer to tell me about the Springfield Diocese’s “quitting.” He told me he is saving the newspapers for me to read the whole story.

                This day’s front page of The (Springfield) Republican announces “Bishop quits after abuse query: Dupre abruptly resigns, enter hospital.”

                Bill Zajac- staff writer- reports: “Springfield-Ad ay after The Republican confronted the Most Rev. Thomas L. Dupre with accusations that he sexually assaulted two boys about three decades ago, he abruptly resigned yesterday as bishop of the Springfield Romans Catholic Diocese, citing health reasons.

                “The bishop’s departure at age 70 left unanswered the series of questions posed to him about the accusations, which the newspaper has been investigating for months. The accusations were first brought to the bishop in a letter last year by the mother of one of the two alleged victims, one of who was about 13 and the other a pre-teen when the alleged abuse began.

                “The woman, a longtime diocesan school worker, said her letter arrived at the bishop’s residence weeks before he told The Republican last year he might retire earlier than the mandatory retirement age of 75 because of heart and other health problems.

                “The woman tried unsuccessfully for months to persuade her now adult son to publicly press charges. Her name is not being used in accordance with the newspapers’ policy of protecting alleged sexual abuse victims.

                “Roderick MacLeish, a Boston lawyer-where have we heard about him-who has handled hundreds of abuse claims in the Boston Archdiocese, said he has been retained by the woman’s son strictly to try to protect his anonymity. MacLeish said he is representing the other alleged victim, who is also trying to protect his anonymity as he explores legal options.

‘ ‘My client want his privacy protected and his family’s privacy protected. I hope all, including the diocese will respect that,’ said MacLeish, adding that he hasn’t fully discussed legal options with his client.

                “ ‘This is a serious situation,’ MacLeish said.

                “The allegations were presented to the bishop amid a recent flurry of public speaking engagements in which Dupre urged Catholics to support a constitutional amendment that bans gay marriages.

                “Dupe’s resignation follows tow years of diocesan problems related to clergy sexual abuse in the diocese and the Catholic Church.

                ‘The diocese issued a statement yesterday stating that Dupre submitted his resignation in November and that his request was granted by the Vatican on Tuesday.

                “Dupre allegedly sexually abused town minor beginning in the 1970s, according to the mother of one of the victims. After failed attempts to speak to Dupre about the allegations, the newspaper submitted a detailed list of questions via email to diocesan spokesman Mark Dupont Tuesday.

                “Within hours, Dupre checked into an undisclosed medical facility outside the diocese for undisclosed treatment. His ailments are not considered life threatening, according to diocesan officials…”17

                This same issue of the newspaper printed a “Timeline: Bishop Thomas L. Dupre of the Springfield Diocese.” It was an extensive one beginning with Dupre’s birth-Nov.10, 1933. This issue of the newspapers gave four pages covering Bishop Dupre.  

February 13, 2004

                The Springfield Republican front page had in bold print “DA to investigate bishop: A local priest told the state attorney general of accusations in November, but the case was to pursued because the alleged victims didn’t come forward.”

                Bill Zajac-Staff Writer- reports: “Springfield-The Hampden County District Attorney’s Office has begun taking steps to investigate allegations that the recently retired bishop of the Springfield diocese sexually abuse two minors beginning more than two decades ago.

                “As local diocesan leaders sought to ease the shock of thousands of Catholics in Western Massachusetts, they were also preparing a report on the allegations that will be sent to the archbishop of Boston.

                “The Rev. Thomas L. Dupre, whose retirement was, announced Wednesday, has yet to respond to the allegations first reported yesterday in The Republican. He checked himself into an undisclosed medical, non-life-threatening illness after The Republican confronted him with a detailed list of questions regarding the alleged abuse.

                “The Roman Catholic Diocese of Springfield said Dupre first applied to the Vatican for retirement in November 2003 and he was notified that it was accepted on Tuesday. Dupre who has a recent history of heart problems, cited health reason for his retirement.

                “The accusations against the bishop came from a mother of one of the alleged victims. The woman, a longtime worker in a Catholic school in the diocese, said her son was abused by Dupre starting in her son’s freshman year in high school and that here son’s best friend was abused beginning when he was a preteen. The alleged abuse started in the 1970s and lasted into the 1080s…”18

                When I was reading this, it seemed that this chancery had a procedure in place to handle the media and questions. It was a significant difference than handling my particulars- We (Worcester Chancery) will get a hold of you. I waited, waited and waited. Nothing but some five years later I get to meet the new bishop.  

                I wonder how many priest personal and others were involved with time being accounted for in a Dupre case or for that matter, my situation.

                I go back to one of those “hot house” kitchen interrogations of me where Rueger had a folder that was stacked with papers that were at least 5 or 6 inches thick. Was it my file? It was never referred too nor anything but in front of Rueger on the table- show time.

                Our diocesan newspaper, The Catholic Free Press, had a front page picture and story of Bishop Thomas Dupre. It was submitted by the Staff and Catholic News Service entitled “Springfield Bishop Dupre resign; health cited.”

                It stated: “Washington-Pope John Paul II has accepted the resignation, for health reasons, of Bishop Thomas L. Dupre of Springfield.

                “Archbishop Gabriel Montalvo, papal nuncio to the United States, made the announcement in Washington Wednesday.

                “Bishop Dupre, 70, has been a bishop since 1990 and head of the Springfield Diocese since 1995, His successor was not named immediately.

                “Diocesan spokesman Mark Dupont said Bishop Dupre left the diocese Feb. 10 for treatment at a medical facility. He declined to give detail citing concern for the bishop’s privacy.

                “Last May, in an interview with The Republican Springfield’s daily newspaper, Bishop Dupre said he was considering retiring early because of his health. He has a heart condition and has had back problems.

                “The same month in an interview with his diocesan newspaper, The Catholic Observer, he said for the last four years he had ‘suffered from a serious heart ailment as well as other age-related issues.’…”19

                One has to read this complete article because if is so Episcopal orientated (Catholic Free Press) in its reporting of 21 paragraphs with three paragraphs about allegations in comparison to practically only allegation story  being reported on the Springfield’s daily newspaper- The Republican.

                The Church has perfected its approach for bishops- special treatment. Of course, as we all know for experiences in Worcester Diocese and other dioceses, bishops are autonomous and can interpret and apply such directives as they see fit-or simply ignore them-sometimes.

So, we get this day, in addition to Bishop Durpre’s story, the Catholic Free Press other front page story “We are on the road to recovery: Report issued on history of sexual abuse in diocese” by Kevin Luperchio of the Free Press’s staff.

He writes: “Worcester-Following more than two years of self-scrutiny on the issue of clergy sexual abuse of minors, Bishop Reilly has released a report detailing what the diocese has learned and steps it has taken to ‘restore the trust that has been seriously broken by the tragedy.’

The report includes a pastoral letter from the bishop, published in today’s edition of The Catholic Free Press, and information on the number and type of abuse allegations made by year and action taken against accused priests.

“It shows that 45 priests have been accused of sexual abuse of a minor in the 53-year history of the diocese. (Forty-three were diocesan priests and tow belonged to other dioceses.)

“The number of accused priest comes from a total of 1,506 priests, including 775 diocesan priests and 751 religious order priests or priests from other dioceses, who ministered in the diocese between 1950 and 2003.

                “Twenty-nine of those priests were removed from public ministry, either through administrative measures, sick leave or retirement; three were allowed to continue in public ministry because the allegations against them were withdrawn and 12 were deceased at the time allegations were brought, according the report. The remaining priest has been removed –or excoriated-from the diocese prior to any allegation and is no longer in public ministry…”20

                The Worcester Diocese did everything to give the impression of Bishop Reilly’s message of “Creating a Safe Environment.” They really hit on the issue of a “dragnet going through the water” and all is well.

                In addition, this day, the National Catholic Reporter reports: “No one knows whether James Kelly’s suicide last October in from of a New Jersey Transit train in Morristown, N.J., stemmed from the childhood sexual abuse by a Mendham, N.J., priest or from other problems.

                “Still, while gathered after his funeral on the grounds of St. Joseph’s Roman Catholic Church I Mendham-where the abuse occurred more than two decades ago-people who were abused by the same priest discussed manning their support group chapter after Kelly, a 37-year-old telecommunications salesman from Morristown who has recently been laid off.

                “ ‘We were must kind of having an open table discussion,’ recalled Bill Crane, who, like Kelly, was sexually abused by the former Fr. James Hanley. ‘And it dawned on me that something really needs to take place that is tangible, to bring to light thee seriousness of what we endured as children, so it won’t be forgotten.’

                “Crane suggested erecting a small monument, and received approval from the group and the church’s pastor, Fr. Kenneth Lasch. When dedicated in April outside the church’s Pax Christi Center; the 400-pound basalt monument-shaped like a millstone-will evoked a biblical saying that is meaningful to Christians who were sexually abused by children.

                “In the passage, from the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus addresses those who would harm children, saying, ‘It would be better for you if a great millstone was fastened around your neck and you were drowned in the death of the sea.’

                “The monument apparently would be the only marker in the nation dedicated to victims of the clergy sex abuse crisis located at a church. Lasch said it could help victims fell the church will not forget what happened to them there…”21 

February 14, 2004

                The (Springfield) Republican prints this day “Diocese must ‘come clean’: Interim successor to Dupre speaks.”

                The story goes: “Springfield-The newly elected leader of the Roman Catholic Diocese of Springfield said yesterday the church must ‘come clean,’ admitting that an ‘old boy network’ years ago protected priest suspected of sexual abuse.

                “Monsignor Richard S. Sniezyk, who will lead the diocese until a bishop is appointed by the Vatican, said church leaders and members are shaken by an allegation this week that out-going Bishop Thomas L. Dupre molested two boys more than 20 years ago when he was a parish priest. Dupre resigned Wednesday, citing health reasons.

                “In referring to the ongoing sex abuse crisis in the church, Sniezyk said church officials must acknowledge a culture that protected abusive priest existed years ago.

                “ ‘We have to come clean,’ said Sniezyk, recalling own as a young priest he heard rumors of ‘cliques of priest’ who molested young churchgoers, that were protected by church and legal officials, Sniezyk, who was ordained in 1962,said he never witnessed any abuse. (There was stories as such that I heard in the Worcester Diocese-The Boys in the Band Group.

                “ ‘I think truly an old boy network existed. We have to admit that no one did anything with it in those days,’ Sniezyk said adding that priest are now being held accountable.

                “Sniezyk who was elected administrator yesterday by an eight-member board of diocesan consulters will oversee the day-to-day operations of the diocese until a bishop is named by the pope, which could take up to a year…”22 

February 15, 2004

                I was struggling to come to terms with me being put into “mothballs.” I felt that I was made a scapegoat by Harrington and Gang. I was writing my journal for myself but also for giving a picture of what this experience looked as from another side of the issue. 

February 16, 2004

                The Worcester Telegram & Gazette reports “Bishop Reilly issues report on sex abuse: Priests’ names not given.” (Priests names have been printed in this newspaper.)

                Another report of the Telegram & Gazette Staff-Martin Luttrell reported: “Worcester-The Diocese of Worcester released its first report on the scope of clergy sexual abuse of children yesterday, citing 112 allegations of abuse form 1950 through 2003.

                “While the diocese found that only 48 were substantiated and another was considered credible, an activist who works with victims of clergy sexual abuse said the numbers are higher than she had thought.

                “‘What’s new is that this is the first time we’ve pulled the numbers together and put them in one report,’ said diocese spokesman Raymond L. Delisle. ‘Previously, we had done this one at a time. We were doing this as part of a national study. We put it together and wanted to share that.’

                “Bishop Daniel P. Reilly shared the text of the pastoral report yesterday with parishioners during Mass at St. Paul’s Cathedral, which was videotaped and broadcast in the evening on WCTR, Channel 3.

                “According to the diocese report, $2,280,833 has been paid in compensation to victims in settlements of abuses between 1950 and 2003. Of that, $1,469,000 came form insurance and $811,833 was paid directly by the diocese.

                “An additional $185,879 was spent for victim counseling, services and therapy, the report sates

                “ In the report, Bishop Reilly emphasizes that the source of funds for any settlement, therapeutic response or legal fees was the Bishop’s discretionary funds….No  donations to the Bishop’s Fund, or parish contributions to the diocese known as the cathedraticum, or gifts to the Forward in Faith capital campaign were used for anything other than their designated purpose…”23

                The numbers become very interesting to read. But, trying to understand them is another story. (My settlement with the two “alleged victims” was $95,000- lawyer’s fees.) 

February 17, 2004

                I was on the internet to read The Boston Globe article “Abuse article says 4% of priests in US accused: Figure is higher than Church officials expected.” It was written by Michael Paulson of the Globe Staff who was similar to Kathleen A. Shaw of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette.

                He wrote: “About 4 percent of Catholic priests have been  accused of sexually abusing minors over the past half-century according to a draft of the first comprehensive study sexual abuse within the Catholic Church in the United States. The percentage is higher than many people including church officials, had anticipated.

                “the draft of the study, done by John Day College of Criminal Justice for the US Conference of Catholic Bishops found that 4,450 of the 110,000 priests who served between 1950 and 2002 were accused of sexual abuse of minors, according to CNN, which reported yesterday that it had reviewed the draft.

                “The number of alleged perpetuators given in the draft study is higher than the tallies by news media outlets, including the Associated Press and The New York Times that have tried to count reported allegations nationwide.

                “The number is also higher than that protested by church officials. A top Vatican official, Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger (father Pope Benedict XV), said in 2002, according to the Catholic News Service: ‘In the United States, there is constant news of this topic, but less than 1 percent are guilty of acts of this type.’

“But the number of victims is lower than expected by many…”24

This same day The Republican in Springfield prints “Aid for former priest debated: Anonymous donors chipped in $100,000 to help support abusive priests, something that baffles the mother of an alleged victim.”

Staff writes Bill Zajac wrote: “Springfield-the fund that possibly could provide financial support for a recently defrocked priest in the Springfield Diocese represents incredible acts of charity by donors, diocesan officials said.

“But others are raising questions, including why the church hasn’t provided the same amount of charity to victims of sexual abuse (Worcester seems to settle cases on layer’s fees and offering counseling.).

“In announcing the laicization of convicted child molester Richard r. Lavigne Jan. 20, officials of the Romans Catholic Diocese of Springfield said he may be eligible for financial help from a fund recently created to financially support priests removed form ministry for sexual abuse. 

“At least two people who want to remain anonymous have contributed about $100,000 I total for the fund, according to diocesan officials. More than two people, but no more than six or so, may have contributed to the fund, diocesan officials said.

“Sandra L. Tessier of Springfield, the mother of an alleged sexual abuse victim of Lavinge, expressed outrage that the diocese would facilitate a fund to support Lavigne-a person accused by about 40 people of sexual abusing them as minors. Lavigne also is the only suspect in the unsolved 1972 murder of 13-yer old Springfield altar boy Daniel Crouteau.

“ ‘What kind of person wants their money supporting a sexual predator?’ Tessier said…We Monsignor Richard S. Sniezyk) are a church that follows the teachings of Jesus Christ. If Jesus Christ was here he would reach out to Richard Lavigne as he reached out to Judas, as he reached out to Peter after he denied him, and as he reached out to all sinners,’ Sniezyk said…Lavingne’s current $1,030 monthly stipend and $8,800 in annual health benefits will end May 31. To continue to receive financial help, Lavinge would have to ask for charity from the diocese.

“If he does seek help, a lay panel of professionals would determine if Lavigne is indigent. If he were deemed indigent, money would be given to him from the newly created fund. The amount would be decided by the panel. Lavigne would also have to agree to cooperate with the diocese’s clergy monitor…25

This is interesting reading in due fact of what the Worcester Diocese has me under their “umbrella.”

                Michael Paulson of the Boston Globe staff wrote “Aubse study says 4% of priest in US accused: Gigure is higher than Church officials expected.” He wrote in The Boston Globe: “About 4 percent of Catholic priests have been accused of sexually abusing minors over the past half-century, according to a draft of the first comprehensive study of sexual abuse within the Catholic Church in the United States. The percentage is higher than many people, including church officials, had anticipated.

                “The draft of the study, done by John Jay College of Criminal Justice for the US Conference of Catholic Bishops, found that 4,450 of the 110,000 priests who served between 1950 and 2002 were accused of sexual abuse of minors, according to CNN, which reported yesterday that it had reviewed the draft.

                “The number of alleged perpetrators given n the draft study is higher than the tallies by news media outlets, including the Associated Press and The New York Time, that have tried to count reported allegations nationwide.

                “The number is also  higher than that projected by church officials top Vatican official, Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, said in 2002, according to the Catholic News Service: ‘In the United States, there is constant news on this topic, but less than 1 percent of priests are guilty of acts of this type.’

                “But the number of victims is lower than expected by many…” 

February 18, 2004

                The Worcester Telegram & Gazette foes on this day’s front page “Parish priest placed on leave: Diocese removes Blackstone pastor.”

                Martin Luttrell of the Telegram & Gazette Staff writes: “Blackstone-The Romans Catholic Diocese of Worcester has placed rev. James D. Champion, pastor of St. Paul Church, on administrative leave after allegations of sexual misconduct.

                “Monsignor Thomas J. Sullivan, diocesan chancellor and director of ovations informed parishioners of Rev. Champion’s removal during three Masses on Sunday. He and Worcester District Attorney John J. Conte said that the allegations did not involve children, nor result I criminal charges.

                “Rev. Champion, 58, had been pastor at St. Paul for 12 years. He has been removed form ministerial duties and is no longer living at the parish rectory, Monsignor Sullivan said…

                “A report released last month by Mr. Conte showed that 86 priests, brothers and sisters of religious order, ordained ministers, as well as three laypersons, have been accused of sexual misconduct.

                “Of these, 37 are living priests attached to the Diocese of Worcester, and one layperson, also connected to the Diocese of Worcester; 20 are deceased priests who were attached to the Diocese of Worcester and one layperson connected to the diocese who is also deceased.

                “A report released by the diocese Sunday only addressed  priests accused of sexual abuse of children, citing 112 allegations of abuse from 1950 through 2003.

                “Both reports indicated that the instances of alleged abuse peaked between 1975 and 1979, and that most victims did not report them-either to the church or civil authorities-for an average of 20 years (Any professionals investigating those last fact-20 years?).26

                What has to be said is interesting how the Worcester Telegram & Gazette writes an article of a priest situation, which is usually short if facts and they run away with a pattern of figures that become the “manta” for articles for a good period of time as we witnessed in this February 18th article.

                Another possibly of such a technique is that the writer has to submit an 800 words or similar standard for an article.

                I had an interesting conversation with “Father Peacock” this afternoon. He had to give a deposition concerning a priest that lived in his rectory when he was a pastor at another assignment. He knew that I sensed something was happening with his questioning at one time about depositions. So, he related that the lawyer-Attorney Goulka- for the diocese who was driving said to him: “Father ________ is guilty. He did do this (abuse a boy)” This was very hard to believe that this lawyer made such a remark to him and being so flippant-if it was said?

                “Father Peacock” had to tell me that on his deposition copy, one question asked him was if he was aware that the Huse of Affirmation was treating pedophiles? He, also, mentioned that he was asked if he knew anything about a “sex ring in Worcester”? I mentioned this one time to him that I was asked about this when I was at the IOL, Hartford. I made no comment and kept a poker-face.

He then proceeded to tell me that after the deposition, a copy was sent to him to make any corrections or additions. I kept a poker-face and said nothing because I never was given such a procedure.

What was interesting was that “Father Peacock” was so “uptight.” What surprised me was that he had just retried forma three week vacations (retreat) to Canada. Something was bothering him about “something big,” He reacted towards me negatively that that last three years he came back in early February because he had to “face another priest alleged in the diocese.” Oh? The stories were very conflicting that he was relating to me. I knew that he never told me anything without it being calculated.              

“Father Peacock” then put a spin on a story as his interpretation: The diocese now says all cases of allegation have to be reported to the DA’s Office. It was not to go anymore to the Worcester Chancery. He told me that the Fr. James Champion story of an adult accusing him was to the DA’s Office. I knew that from reading the newspaper. But, it seemed that this story being told me was as though I would take a while to pull the diamonds from the min approach. He had to make it a point tome that the diocese now seems to say that it is not them anymore but the DA’s Office that is doing the priest-in. My question: Why is he so stressed by all of this? Oh! He even had to tell me that Attorney Goulka told him on the ride back to her office from his deposition said to him: “You did very well.” (He would say something as such even if it did not happen.). 

February 20, 2004

                The Catholic Free Press comes out on its weekly publication on page one “Blackstone pastor removed form parish.” The paper reports (no staff member): “Blackstone-Father James D. Champion, pastor of St. Paul parish for the last 12 years, has been placed on administrative leave of absence because of allegations of sexual misconduct, Bishop Reilly has announced.

                “The bishop, in a letter sent to priest of the diocese Tuesday said the allegations do not involve children or minors or any of the parishioners at St. Paul’s.

                “Monsignor Thomas J. Sullivan, diocesan Chancellor, has been names temporary administrator of the parish, Bishop Reilly announced today. He will continue as Chancellor and Director of Vocation with his residence remaining at the bishop’s residence.

                “Msgr. Sullivan told parishioners about Father Champion’s removal at the Masses last week-end. He assured them that the bishop would assign a priest to be responsible for the spiritual and temporal administration of the parish. ‘The stability and strength of St. Paul’s is very important to the bishop. All of the regular parish scheduling will them continue as planned and parish activities will not be curtailed,’ Msgr. Sullivan said.

                Msgr. Sullivan told parishioners that the diocese learned of the allegations against Father Champion from the district attorney. He said the bishop and the Diocesan Review Board have investigated the matter and will continue to do so. He said the district attorney’s investigation also will continue.

                “District Attorney John J. Conte said the allegations do not involve a child or a minor. He said no charges have been filed against Father Champion. He said the man who made the allegations agreed that the district attorney could make his charges known to the Diocese of Worcester, but did not want to proceed with criminal charges, Mr. Conte said. ..”27

                What gets interesting about the “dragnet going through the water” is where this fit in the big picture does

What are the charges that such an individual allegate Father Champion? Yet, what is it that this guy had to go to the DA office? But, the Worcester Diocese has a “Diocesan Review Board” in place. Does this reflect the “good-old-days” of the Bishop Harrington and other regimens? It also gets interesting reading how issues have involved-same results.

                Champion case must have made a lot of “brother priest” in the diocese have their shoes get tight.

                Another front page story of this same paper had the story “Local Report Generates Little Reaction.” Kevin Luperchio, staff writer, wrote: “A bishop’s report on clergy sexual abuse of minors has generated little reaction around the diocese.

                “The report, published in a pastoral letter last week, outlines child sexual abuse allegations against clergy to the diocese’s establishment in 1950. It included the number of priests accused of sexual abuse (45), the total number of allegations reported to the diocese (112), and the amount of money the diocese has paid in settlements ($2.29 million).

                “Raymond L. Delisle, diocesan  director of communications, and Patrick Engdabl, director f the diocesan’s Office for Healing and Prevention, said they received no inquiries or feedback from the report (Why am I surprised to even read such a comment from this group that are “hole pluggers”? The general public is more aware of what the game is on this priest sexual abuse ‘crisis’ is.) The Office for Healing and Prevention, established as a response to the clergy sexual abuse crisis, provides outreach to survivors of sexual abuse and works to educate the public about the issue surrounding such abuse.

                “Mrs. Engdahl said the lack of response to the bishop’s report suggest that ‘people’s questions are being answered. We are giving people the information they are looking for’ (Get real, Mrs. Engdahl.).

                Msgr. Thomas J. Sullivan, diocesan chancellor, said he thinks people find the diocese report credible, especially in light of the separate report released weeks earlier by District Attorney John J. Conte (You have to know Tom Sullivan).

                “The report, which reviewed the district attorney’s investigation into clergy sexual abuse of minors and adults in all area faith communities, ‘were almost identical to the dioceses’ report,’ Msgr. Sullivan said.

                “Father Henry A. Donohue, pastor of St. George’ Parish in Worcester, sad he thought the bishop’s report, was very well done (Another guy you have to know.).

                “Father Donohue said the fact that the report covered the entire 53-year-history of the diocese provided an overall context from which to examine the problem of clergy sexual abuse in the local church.

                “‘People have a tendency to get caught up’ and assume the problem is more widespread than it is, he said.  ...It gives perspective,’ the pastor said.

                “David Lewcon, a local victim of the clergy sexual abuse and member of the Survivors Network for Those Abuse by Priests, said the report left him with several questions.

                “ ‘The main questions, he said are how long the diocese toke to remove priests who are accused of sexual abuse and whether the diocese used money from the Bishop’s Fund to pay victim’s settlements…

                “A draft (National Level) leaked to some media outlets noted that roughly 4,450 clergy have been accused of abusing a total of 11,000 minors in the U.S. Between 1950 and 2002.”28

                The issue of practically no reaction by the general parishioners, hopefully, would show that the hierarchy reaction was more of an issue than the priest allegated. People are not stupid. But, the church hierarchy and the media play an interesting “power and authority” struggle and sell papers.

                Where is George Rueger?

                This morning on “Imus Show” there was an interview with William Donoghue (Catholics United) saying that the American Bishops shouldn’t have come out with the report of allegations since 1950?  Donoghue said the names on the Internet have some names that are not guilty. But, he continued to say that they are on the World Wide Internet.

                Yes! I know. My name is on that list. 

February 24, 2004

                I had lunch with: Father Peacock” because it was “”Fat Tuesday.” This is the day before Ash Wednesday. Well, it seemed after the last conversation I had with him and his point of everything now is with the DA that I pushed a hot button. It was me commenting that he had one chance to become a Monsignor. He reacted with a calm manner by saying that Bishop Reilly won’t make anymore Monsignors because the “publicity would have some come out as a victim against anyone named.” He said as an example of Bishop Dupre in Springfield after an anti-gay newspaper had two guys come out publicly against the bishop.

                I said that I was referring to the next bishop, not Reilly’s appointments. I kept wondering about “Father Peacock’s” constant, silent probing of me for information of what was going on and his quirky comment on victims, running sacred or more interesting in why he was so “nervous.”

                “Vatican report criticizes U.S. sex abuse policy: Overreaction charged/Vatican study faults zero-tolerance rules” article appears in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette that was written by Frank Bruni of The New York Times.

                This gets interesting: “Vatican City-A report on child sexual abuse that the Vatican released yesterday found fault with American bishops zero-tolerance policy of seeking to remove from ministry any Roman Catholic priest who has abused a child (The damage was already done by the hierarchy and media.)

                “The 219-page report titled ‘Sexual Abuse in the Catholic Church: Scientific and Legal Perspectives,’ cast that policy as an overreacting to a public outcry and as a potential counterproductive way to keep children safe from sexual abuse.

                “The report included expressions of concern that sexually abusive priests who are cast at of ministry and pushed away from the church might be more likely to abuse against because of their isolation and a lack of monitoring of their behavior.

                “ ‘Although until now the phenomenon of abuse was to always taken seriously enough, at present thee is a tendency to overreact and rob accused priests of even legitimate support,’ wrote one of the editors of the report, Dr. Manfred Luetz,  in its conclusion. Luetz, a German psychiatrist, is a member of the Pontifical Council for the Laity.   “The other two editors are not connected to the Vatican and the report mainly presents the perspectives of those tow scientists and six others. No one of the eight is Catholic; all are experts in the study or treatment of sexual abuse.

                “Their perspectives were distilled from the papers they presented and the comments they made at a private fur-day conference here in April that was sponsored by the Pontifical Academy for Life. Copies were made available here yesterday…

                “While the report repeatedly challenges the wisdom of that policy, it also represents and unusually unblinking, expansive acknowledgment by the Vatican of the problem of sexually abusive priest.

                “If furthermore shows the Vatican’s interest in looking to science, and not just prayer, for answers. Many critics of the church’s past response to sexually abusive priests have said that bishop stood often believed that penance alone could keep a priest who had molested a child from doing it against…”29

The Worcester Telegram & Gazette carried a small report from The Associated Press “Leninet remarks on sex abuse draw apology form monsignor”

                It states: “Springfield-The interim head of the Springfield Diocese apologized yesterday for saying the Catholic sexual abuse scandal steamed from a belief once held by some priests that having sex with yung men was acceptable.

                “Monsignor Richard S. Sniezyk said that as a seminarian and a young priest in the 1950s and early 1960s, he heard of priests who had sex with young men, but ‘no one thought much about it.’

                “They did go ministry, they wee good to their people, they were kind, compassionate, but they had o idea what they were doing to these young men that they were abusing.’ Sniezyk told The Boston Globe on Sunday. ‘It was that era of the ‘60s-most of it took place from the mid-‘60s to the early ‘80s-and the whole atmosphere out there was, it was OK, it was OK to do.

                “ ‘Certainly that atmosphere is not present is most present in the church today,’ he said.

                “In a statement last evening, Sniezyk said he was ‘deeply sorry’ if his comments ‘caused distress to the faithful or un-necessary and unfounded suspicion of the priests of my diocese.

                “He said he ‘did not mean to suggest, nor do I believe to be true, the sexual misconduct in any context is ever acceptable and sickening violation of children and the long-term horrific result…’ “30

                I was ordained in 1970 and never heard anything as what this Monsignor stated here. I just don’t believe there was such thinking even existing. But, again, I was trying to be “normal” and did not hang-around fellow clergy. I visited and traveled with parishioners. This was a big issue that was used against me by the diocesan chancery (Harrington and Rueger) and fellow priest in a silent manner.

                What was very peculiar if one takes the 60s, 70s and 80s was that there was this period of after the finish of the Second Vatican Council where so many priests left the active ministry to get married? So, it begs the question: Who remained? Was there a silent code of something else besides having “a vocation” game?  

February 25, 2004

                “Pastor guilty of stealing $250K: Rev. Donald Ouellette admits to taking money from Fitchburg church” appeared on the top of the front page of this day’s issue of the Sentinel & Enterprise (Fitchburg).

                Matt O’Brien of the staff wrote: “Worcester-The former pastor of the Immaculate Conception Church in Fitchburg pleaded guilty Tuesday to stealing $250,000 from the church.

                “The Rev. Donald Ouellette, 49, the former pastor of the Catholic parish on Walnut Street, pleased guilty to 18 counts of larceny in Worcester County Superior Court.

                “Superior Court Judge Peter Agnes set a May 5 sentencing date for Ouellette.

                “Ouellette, who has not offered an explanation for the crime, could potentially face up to five years imprison for each of the 18 convictions, said the priest’s lawyer, Michael McEvilly of Leominster.

                “Ouellette was accused of writing more than 207 checks to himself from a parish bank account while pastor at the Fitchburg church since 2001, prosecutors have said.

                “The priest’s unscheduled change of plea in Worcester Superior Court happened tow months after a convicted child rapist, William Lamontagne, told the Sentinel & Enterprise that Ouellette funneled some of the stolen money to him in prison.

                “Ouellette has denied through his layer that he and the prisoner were in a relationship.

                “’You listen and it’s confusing,’ said Monsignor Thomas Sullivan, who visited Lamontagne in prison last year and talked to Ouellette about the allegations so he could help Bishop Daniel Reilly decide what to do about the priest.

                “‘What the relationship was is must confusing,’ said Sullivan, who as chancellor of the Worcester Catholic Diocese acts as liaison to the district attorney’s office. ‘One ways one thing and one says the other…”31 

February 26, 2004

                I received a packet of material from Attorney Carey. In the packet was the depositions of McCormick, Reidy and Joselyn. I was not aware of that a Reidy and Joselyn gave depositions. I did not have a copy of my deposition in this packet. So, where was mine? I did give a deposition. I was able to read the script at this time that my case was “resolved” much earlier in the process-guilty till proven innocent- and the money line must have been established to be a certain amount that was agreed by all parities but me.

                But, it does beg the question: Where is Abby Marshall Weber’s deposition? There was a settlement of $45,000 settlement payment. None was mailed to me from my lawyer. Against, where was my copy of my deposition?

                I put these depositions that I had in hand and put them in my file for later reading. 

February 27, 2004

                John L. Allen, Jr. of the National Catholic Reporter wrote in his column “Word from Rome” that the morale is depressing in the American church. He wrote: “Some bishops are short-circuiting Rome by asking priests to resign or retire when guilt seems established, seeing that adequate resolution-hence they are not forwarding there cases to the CDF. The problem, the canonist pointed out is that such a strategy normally means that the diocese bears ongoing financial responsibility for the priest, meaning ongoing civil liability for wrong doing. Moreover, it is a violation of canon law…and a lack of respect for the law was part of what got the Church into this mess in the first place…”32

                This would have been very understandable in my situation because I would have revealed about Harrington’s drunken driving accident and procedure of handling my case. Therefore, I get threatened by Pedone, isolated and become history-the eyes of the Worcester Diocese and Church.

                This same issue of the National Catholic Reporter reports: “Albany bishop denies sees allegations: Appoints independent investigator, pledges full cooperation.” The NCR staff writes: “The Albany, N.Y., diocese announced Feb. 17 it had hired a former U.S. attorney and criminal lawyer to investigate charges of sexual misconduct against Bishop Howard J. Hubbard. Hubbard, 65, has strenuously denied allegations that he had a homosexual affair with a man who later killed himself, and that he had sexual encounters with teenage street hustler.

                “The allegations of events that were supposed to have happened in the 1970s surfaced in early February at news conferences called by attorney John Aretakis, who has repeatedly sued the diocese over clerical sex abuse cases.

                “Complicating the situation is the Feb. 15 death of an Albany priest, Fr. John Minkler, who had been linked by news reports to a nine-year-old letter that denounced the bishop, accusing him of homosexual affairs, tolerating gay activity in the priesthood and departing from church teachings.

“The Albany County coroner has said the autopsy on Minkler’s body was inconclusive, and more tests are needed to determine exactly how he died. Media accounts have speculated that Minkler, 57, committed suicide. Minkler was a chaplain in a Veteran Administration hospital.

                “Hubbard met with Minkler two day days before the priest was found dead. Diocesan officials told NCR that Minkler came to them to deny having written the letter…”33

                We get more mystery stories evolving when we learn more of such a story and there are many more around the country including Worcester Diocese.

                This same issue had on its editorial page “Reports will tell only part of the story” by Tom Robert (NCR editor). He writes: “The day before the figures were leaked from the John Jay College of Criminal Justine report on sexual abuse by Catholic clergy, I was standing on a lawn in City Park in New Orleans, attending a memorial service for 50 victims of sexual abuse by priest.

                “The victims, from across the country, had all committed suicide. Many if not most of them committed suicide at a young age, in their 20s and 30s. No one, as abuse survivor Barbara Blain made clear at the service, was drowning absolute connections between the suicides and earlier abuse. ‘But we have to ask the questions,’ she said…

                “It was tempting, viewing the thin row of survivors and friends against the backdrop of life’s normal activity, the see this moment as neat metaphor for the bigger picture. Victims ignored, left too often to their own thoughts, their own recollections, thin voices carried off on chilly winds…

                “The following night, after the figures had been releases, I was on CNN and in answer to a question I sad I thought it was significant that at the end of nearly two decades of refusing to release any information, the bishop-p were now handing it over to lay investigators and surveyors. That is not how the bishops would want it to happen. That is significant change.

                “The night after the memorial service was also the night that Dominican Fr. Thomas Doyle gave a talk as part of a program organized by Voice of the Faithful at Loyola University in New Orleans. Twenty years ago, Doyle was working in the nuncio’s office in Washington and climbing the clerical ladder, but he ran in to reports of sexual abuse scandal in the esarly 1980s. It is well-know story now that he refused to go along with the cover-up and became a whistleblower. H lost his position and any chance of becoming a bishop…

                “At Loyal, he spoke about the sins of clericalism, of an abuse of power and authority. Fro him the sex abuse crisis is a symptom of a deeper ill-he calls it corruption-that emerges from a hierarchical culture that is steeped in secrecy and beyond accountability…Known real corruption-not mistaken or misjudgment…”34

                This adds to my issue of “Power and Authority” theme. 

February 29, 2004

                The Worcester Telegram & Gazette printed a story by Denise Lavoie of The Associated Press “Lives of pedophile priest, abuse victims end in tragedy: Geoghan slain, McSorley dies 6 months apart.”

                Lavoie writes: “Boston-John Geoghan, a frail, hunched-over man who shuffled when he waked, became the most recognizable image of pedophile priests after his cases ignited the clergy sex abuse scandal in the Archdiocese of Boston two years ago.

                “Patrick McCorley, a troubled young man who friends said struggled with drug addiction and alcohol abuse, was the public voice for Geoghan’s victims who worked to help other escape the demons that plagued him.

                “Within six months of one another, both men are dead, victims of a crisis that affected thousands of children across the country, including at least nearly 1,000 in Boston between 1950 and 2003, according to a tally release by the archdiocese last week.

                “Geoghan, 68, was beaten and strangled in prison, alleged by a fellow inmate enraged by Geoghan’s molestation of children. The defrocked priest, who was convicted of fondling a 10-year old boy, was accused in civil lawsuits of molesting nerly150 Boston-area children over three decades.

                “McSorley, 29, who said Geoghan molested him on a trip to get ice cream while he was 12, was found dead last week at a friend’s apartment in Boston’s North End. The cause of death has not yet been released by the medical examiner’s office…”35 

March 1, 2004

                I tried to find in Google search engine the term “zero tolerance.” This term pertained to priest’s allegated with no success. I was working on my fear buckets being filled-up. But, I felt different in that I was not the usual scared approach. I mentioned this in my journal writing because of the experience. I was, at this time, taking the issue of “What next?” Here, I was being in out-the-door possibility. In actuality, I was only a priest in “my cave.” This was where I said daily Mass, my Divine Office (breviary) and mediation prayers...

                It was now over 10 years that I had been living with uncertainty.               

March 5, 2004

                Now we are getting “paralysis of analysis” on the American Bishops Sex Abuse Reports.

                The Catholic Free Press prints a Catholic News Service article by Jerry Filteau. He writes: “Washington (CNS)-The U.S. Catholic Church reached another key milestone in dealing with its clergy sexual abuse crisis Feb. 27 when tow major documents on the extent of the abuse and its causes were released simultaneously.

“Milestones aren’t end points. They only serve as progress alerts.

“But the National Review Board report on the causes and context of the abuse and the July Hay study f the nature and scope of the nature and scope of the abuse mark two important breakthroughs.

“They province for the first time a full objective accounting of now bad the problems was and a thoughtful independent critique of what led to this sad chapter in church history.

                “ ‘This study and this report, while painful to read, form a vital benchmark,’ said Bishop Wilton D. Gregory of Belleville, Ill., president of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, at a press conference following the release of the two documents.

“The John Jay  study-conducted by the John Jay College of Criminal Justice in New York, on e the nation’s top institutions in that field-said its survey found that al least 10,667 people had reported plausible claims of childhood sexual abuse by 4,392 priests or deacons between 1950 and 2002. This represents 4 percent of the approximately 110,000 diocesan and religious priests who served in the United States in those years.

“Are those numbers an underreport? Certainly! No one claims all victims have come forward…”36

When I read this last comment about coming forward, my tape plays in my head of Rueger clacking: “More are going to come out on you (Ted).”

This same issue of the Catholic Free Press printed “Disciplinary actions varied against priests, says sex abuse study.” Against the Catholic News Service writer Augustine Bono wrote: “Washington (CNS)-After allegations of child sex abuse against priests still in ministry were substantiated by church officials, church disciplinary actions carried out in those cases ranged from doing nothing to suspending clerics, said a comprehensive national study on the church crisis covering 1950-2002.

                “For 10 percent of the substantiated allegations, no action was taken against the priest, and in 6 percent of such allegations the priest was reprimanded and returned to ministry, said the study by the John Jay College of Criminal Justice in New York.

“Priest involved in 29 percent of the substantiated allegations was suspended, it said.

“Principal investigator Karen Terry told Catholic News Service that church officials substantiated allegations against about two-thirds of the 4,392 clergymen accused of sexual abuse during the 52-year time period.

“She said allegations against permanent deacons that were substantiated were minimal and is included in the figures for priests. The survey reported that 41 permanent deacons and 4,351 priests were accused of abusing 10,667 people.

“Terry said the fact that some of the allegations were not substantiated does not mean they’re disproved.

                “The study was commissioned by the U.S. bishops’ National Review Board to show the nature and scope of the clergy sexual abuse crisis. It gathered information from 195 of the 2002 dioceses, Easter-rite eparchies and ecclesial territories tied to the United States. It also contains data from 60 percent of the religious communities in the United States representing 80 percent of the religious priests.

 “Part of the study tracked the actions taken by dioceses and religious communities against priest involved in about 10,000 substantiated allegations. Because many priests had multiple allegations made against them, the study recorded the disciplinary actions as a percentage of the allegations.

“In almost all of these cases, church officials substantiated the allegations through their own investigation, an admission of guilt by the accused or a criminal conviction, Terry said.

“The most common action taken was to offer the priests medial help, such as specialized treatment, evaluation and/or individual psychotherapy, the study said.

“Almost 37 percent of the accused received medical assistance, with many then subject to other actions, said the study.

“Disciplinary actions besides suspension included:

·          Priests involved in 24 percent of the substantiated allegations we put on administrative leave.

·          Religious priests involved in 6 percent of the substantiated allegations were returned to their order or reported to their superior…

“The study reported that75 percent of the abuse incidents took place form 1960 to 1984 but that tow-thirds of the allegations were reported after 1993 (Interesting that I case came on board in 1993- Worcester’s Poster Boy with Bishop Harrington’s January auto accident)

“Regarding how church officials received all allegations, the study said that half were made directly by the victims and 20 percent by lawyers for victims. Relatives, public officials and anonymous reports accounted for most of the rest, it said.

                “Principal investigator Terry said that in many cases the long time lapse between the incident and the allegation made it impossible for church officials to gather the data necessary to prove or disapprove an allegation (You want to bet. I have my bishop tell me: “You’re guilty till proven innocent.”)37

                Another article in this diocesan paper “Bishop Reilly responds to reports” by stating: “It is my hope that the publication of this reort will provide some additional comfort for the victims of child sexual abuse as they realize the Catholic Church is taking this plight very seriously.”38

                Everyone now that Bishop Reilly had the gift of gab-and play politics-and was doing everything to preserve the church hierarchical “kabala” system. It is almost predictable to say what Reilly would say before he would say anything. Reilly was slick.

However, the Worcester Telegram & Gazette reports this day: Mass. Bishop may face criminal charges: Springfield indictment sought” by Trudy Tynan of The Associated Press.

She wrote: “Springfield-A prosecutor said yesterday he will pursue sex-abuse charges against retired Springfield Bishop Thomas L. Dupre, who is accused of plying two altar boys with alcohol and molesting them while he was a parish priest in the 1970s.

                “If a grand jury indicts him, Dupre would become the first bishop charged in the sex-abuse scandal that erupted in the Roman Catholic Church tow years ago. There have been at least a dozen grand jury investigations involving bishops, and four bishops have resigned after being accuse of sexual misconduct.

                “ ‘I believe that there is a serious potential here that for the very first time in the United States and possibly in the world there could be a prosecution of a U.s. bishop for crimes relating to the sexual abuse of children,’ said lawyer Roderick MacLeish Jr., who represents the accusers.

                “Dupre, 70, stepped down Feb 11, citing health reasons. His retirement came a day after The Republican newspaper of Springfield confronted Dupre with allegations.

“Dupre’s lawyer, Michael O. Jennings, has not commented on the allegations. He did not immediately return a call for comment yesterday.

“MacLeish has said Dupre sexually abused the boys for years and asked them to keep quiet about the abuse when he was made auxiliary bishop in 1990.

“” ‘I have determined that there is probable cause to support these allegations,’ Hampden District Attorney William M. Bennett said. ‘Therefore, I have decided to present the matter to the grand jury for a full and complete review of all evidence…”39

                What I found most interesting was in talking with “Father Peacock” telling me: “You don’t want to go to lunch or talk with Fr. Kilcoyne.  Be aware that he is a gangrenous guy with Worcester contacts.”

                What I was thinking in hearing him say that was that Fr. Kilcoyne most likely would have been saying the same about “Father Peacock.” 

March 6, 2004

                I was wondering about my writing of “the book”: Was I in a frozen state, going thought all I did in my deposition, facing the allegations and unresolved ministry by being shelved. This may have been like Alice in Wonderland looking in the mirror. It worked for me-renewal. It was time that a previous feeling of being in a hole was otherwise with me at this time

                A thought came to mind in where Rueger at one time said when we were meeting with Fr. Lynch and Bishop Harrington saying that I did not have “anything else in my file.” So, where were my deposition and the other depositions? Just wondering.

                In addition, at this time I was wondering what was happening in the hierarchical structure because Bishop Dupre’s house in Springfield was raided by the police to get material out of the pantry. Worcester Diocese had its Chancery Office flooded. But, Rueger was telling priest that no records were destroyed in the main vault.

                This all is made for TV. You can’t make this up. This gave me more purpose to continue writing. Father Andrew Greeley could not even imagine all of this, or has he already done so.

                This period of time has sexual elections against priest the hot button. Why don’t we hear about policeman, school teachers or other professions on this same issue?

                This is going to get interesting from the newspaper.

                Emilie Astell, of the Telegram & Gazette Staff wrote: “Priest accused in suit of sexual assault, battery.

                She wrote: “Worcester-The Rev. Peter J. Inzerillo, formerly of St. Leo’s Church in Leominster ,is named in a civil suit filed in Superior Court charging him with sexual assault and battery of a teenage boy a decade ago (1994).

                “Rev. Inzerillo was one of eight priests removed by the Diocese of Worcester as a result of an investigation by the office of Worcester District Attorney John J. Conte into charges of clergy sexual abuse. Seventeen clerics have been charged with criminal sexual abuse involving children or teens; and eight, including Rev. Inzerillo, were removed from their pastoral duties, according to a report from Mr. Conte’s office.

                “Rev. Inzarillo, who remains in the priesthood, is on administrative leave, according to Raymond L. Delisle, a spokesman for the diocese. Rev. Inzerillo was removed as pastor of St. Anthony de Padua Church in Fitchburg in1994 and later resigned from that post.

                “The diocese does not comment on pending lawsuits, Mr. Delisle said.

“The suit, filed this week by a plaintiff identified only as ‘John Doe,’ alleges that Rev. Inzarillo engaged in an inappropriate relationship with him when the young man was 15 or 16 years old.

                “On various dates between1993 and 1994, Rev. Inzerillo, still the pastor of the Fitchburg church at the time, allegedly told the youth he loved him, hugged him, and fondled him. The tow came in contact when the youth, who lived in Leominster at the time, visited St. Leo’s. Rev. Inzerillo was a regular visitor to the Leominster parish as well.

“The suit claims that John Doe, who now lives in Connecticut, suffered emotional distress, causing him to incur medical bills, lawyer’s fees and costs. The suit seeks an unspecified amount in damages.

“The suit also charges negligence by what it calls the Roman Catholic Archbishop of Worcester, listing the address of the diocese and the bishop’s office, 49 Elm St., Worcester. Worcester is to archdiocese.

Lynnfield lawyer Joseph Dever, who represents John Doe, did to return calls made to his office yesterday.”40

Father Inzerillo is a classmate (ordination) of mine. He was Vocation Director for the Worcester Diocese which means he was a Chancery Staff-had a desk in it. He was part of “Boys in the Band.” Peter was something of his own-go, go, go.

This suit was in addition for what he was originally removed from the parish. This was another suit. Did Rueger say to him: “More is going to come on you, Pete!”

One has to watch how Bishop Reilly and the Chancery Gang handle this one.

A last thought for this day with the movie “Passion of the Christ.” A person sees what they “want to see” for it. Same with abuse cases with priest. 

March 7, 2004

                Father Peacock talked with me some very interesting comments: He said the situation with Fr. Pete Inzarello is that “They won’t stop till they pick the carcasses (priest) clean.” Then he talked how I mentioned one time that you never hear about policeman getting alleged. He continued with: “They know how to cover each other.” Oh? What does this message from him at this time signal?  

                “Priest unafraid to criticize diocese for abuse sandals” by Adam Gorlick (AP) appeared in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette. Gorlick wrote: “Longmeadow—from his pulpit, the Rev. James Scahill seems like an unlikely agitator. (The old ways was that his body would have been floating in the Tiber River-Rome.)

                “He greet parishioners with a gentile smile and isn’t afraid to encourage a laugh from his congregation with and-lib at the end of Mass. His easy way helped him develop a welcoming image and strong following in the two years he’s been pastor of St. Michael’s Church.

                “But during that time, as more people have come forward to say they were abuse by Western Massachusetts priests when they were children, Scahill has emerged as the most vocal clerical critic of the way officials in the Springfield Diocese have handled the allegations.

                “Unafraid to express his views that priest should be allowed to marry and that church leaders shouldn’t be lobbying against same-sex marriages. Scahill took hi first direct shot at the Springfield Diocese, home to 62,000 Roman Catholics, when he arrived at St. Michael’s in 2002.

                “At the time, Scahill and his parishioners wanted the diocese to stop giving a $1,000 monthly check and $8,500 a year in benefits to pedophile priest Richard Lavigne, who was removed from ministry when he was arrested in 1991. Lavigne pleaded guilty a year later to molesting two altar boys.

                “As a protest, Scahill began withholding a percentage of weekly collections earmarked for the bishop’s office… ‘Everyone at St. Michael’s is happy with what he’s done. He’s willing to make things right.”41

                There, always is an interesting story about someone like Father Scahill -personality type 49.

I wonder if we would ever get to hear that one.

                What has come to mind, concerning Scahill speaking-out, is a line for Jerry Sheinfeld of Shenfeld: No to say there isn’t anything wrong with that. Some people would possibly say that he was following his conscience. But, one does not hear that too often this day and age. 

March 11, 2004

                Here’s a sound bite you wouldn’t have beard in the not-so-distant past: ‘The shocking scandal of sexual abuse of minors by some clergy and the mishandling of this dreadful situation by some church leaders have brought shame and ridicule on the Catholic Church in the United States.’

                “Those words were uttered Tuesday afternoon by the bishop-elect of the Roman Catholic Diocese of Worcester, Robert J. McManus. Our new bishop is relatively young at 52, well-educated, and savvy enough to understand the need to address the scandal so forcefully in his first local press conference.

                “(It wasn’t so long ago that his predecessor, in his first public comments on the clergy abuse scandal, angrily accused the media of being unfair to the church and dismissed any inquiries with the memorable line, ‘We’’ let you know when we feel like letting you know.’)

                “Just as our new bishop was bluntly denouncing the past actions and inactions of his church, church leaders were gearing up to fight what they apparently consider a more appalling sex scandal: the prospect that two gay adults who love each other will be allowed to marry in Massachusetts. The fact that same-sex unions have little to do with sex and everything to do with equality is a point lost on Catholic church leaders, whose aggressive campaign against gay marriage has stunned even those opposed  to it…

                “There is every indication that Bishop Dupre (Springfield Diocese) would have survived the alleged crimes of his past were it not for his astounding hypocrisy. In February, on el his alleged victims were reading a newspaper account about how Bishop Dupre had taken a leading role in denounce in gay marriage. The alleged victim-who says he was 12 when Bishop Dupre plied him with alcohol and showed him gay pornography before having sex with him-became outraged over what he considered the bishop’s arrogance and decided to hold him accountable…”42

                There must have been and still are a significant number of fellow ordained “brother” that had their shoes tight after reading or hearing this story.

                In addition this day, I had my appointment with Dr. Zeman. This session was about looking at the lost of my priesthood. He said that I looked good. I responded how I lost weight in that I exercise twice a day by morning Nordic Track for 50 minutes. In addition I walk 3 miles a day for approximately 1 hour. Dr. Zeman went back about “your lost priesthood.” He suggested that I talk with a Canon Lawyer. Then he asked me how old I was-59. I sounded defensive with him and others because I was tired of being asked: “What are you doing with yourself?” He asked me if I was depressed. I told him that I slept well. He then asked if I was eating well. Then I mentioned that I want to have my “Letters” to Clark University. He asked me why I want to do to that particular location. I told him that it had a department of Psychology that might someday study such issues. I mentioned that I did not want my “Letters” to go into a Catholic institution because no one would see them again-appropriately lost. He made a remake that I should check with a Canon Lawyer because he knew of a couple of priest that are working. I responded that I knew for a fact that Worcester allowed-unofficially- work on part-time. I was concerned of the monthly stipend and especially my health plan.

Dr. Zeman said to me that I had every right to be defensive with what I had gone through the last few years. He then stated to me this question: Are you really afraid of losing your monthly stipend and priesthood. I responded” Yes! Definitely!

We then talked about my writing when I said that I try to end my writing around 7:00 p.m. because I have to have time to unwind. He responded: “Good! You are doing the writing and “closing it.” I responded with “More or less.” (Whatever that means).

 We ended the session by Dr. Zeman’s regular comment of our next appointment is in 3 months? But, call anytime if you need one (appointment). 

March 12, 2004

                Here comes a good one: “Worcester Diocese, Rueger added to suit” reported by Gary V. Murray of the Telegram & Gazette Staff. I always get interested when I read Rueger’s name.

                Murray writes: “The Diocese of Worcester and Auxiliary Bishop George E. Rueger have been names as defendants in a civil lawsuit filed in Texas by two men who allege they were sexually abuse as teenagers by the Rev. Thomas H. Teczar after the Catholic priest relocated from Worcester to the Fort Worth area in 1988.

                “The plaintiffs, identified in court documents as John Doe I and John Doe II, added the Worcester diocese and Bishop Rueger as defendants in the case in December. Previously named defendants were Rev. Teczar, the Roman Catholic Diocese of Fort Worth and Bishop P. Delaney. The amended suit, which is pending in Tarrant County District Court, includes claims for conspiracy to commit sexual assault, breach of confidential relationship, and assault by offensive physical contact, intentional infliction of emotional distress, fraudulent concealment and negligence...

“Diocesan officials and Bishop Rueger, who is being sued individually, denied all of the allegations to the amended suit that was filed in curt last month.

                “Rev, Teczar, who now lives in Dudley, was ordained in the Worcester diocese in1967 and was placed on leave by Bishop Timothy J. Harrington in 1986. He remains a part, but I no longer allowed exercising his priestly functions…43

                The rumor-mill had it that George Rueger was the one that allowed him to find a “benevolent bishop” with Fort Worth Bishop taking him for an assignment. Nothing more was every heard about ties in the media or even better the rumor-mill.

                This same day the National Catholic Reporter gives us in its “Editorials” back page these facts: “The Reports (2) of 10,677 victims, 4,392 priests, More than $572 million and ‘The exercise of authority without accountability is not servant-leadership it is tyranny.’ (The old shepherd-sheep system or another model is the imperial governing body.)…It (forgiveness) requires moral accountability. It requires, as every Catholic who has prepared for the sacrament of reconciliation knows, taking responsibility…”44

                This is the front page of this particular issue of the National Catholic Reporter and the complete page back-editorializing.

                The American Bishops will never give what such works as the National Catholic Reporter or similar groups want. The reason is power and authority. 

March 14, 2004

                I noticed in my reaction to certain individuals when I was pressed about what I was doing that I continued to react defensively. I was consciousness about this and knew that I had to develop a “poker-style” approach. Usually, it was on my part to react with a quick answer. At this time, I was reacting with a stop-and-think approach and not say anything. When I spoke, it was a general statement as: We’ll see or I’ve been reflecting about that issue. A good example was when Bishop Harrington told me that I was known as a “Little Hitler.” I said nothing but stare at him.

                IN my research of “gossip” information, I was able to find out how the Worcester Diocese was going to regulate those priests on Administrative Leave- Kardas keeps going to Dr. Zeman for appointment and being kept under the psychiatric umbrella. This was where I thought I finally understood when Dr. Zeman meant when he said: “You’re morning the death of your priesthood? This was most likely coded language for me to go and get a job? He even pushed the issue by asking: “What can you do for work? Basically, I understood it was that I was out of the priesthood and had lost all-medical and other priest benefits.

                There was another standard in the Worcester Diocese. Fr. Pete Inzarello case of being put on the “job” for a few weeks and then removed because of a few public complaints, he was re-established to Administrative Leave. But, this time, Inzarello was under Bishop Reilly's umbrella and able to be put in a different monthly pay stipend and benefits. Different strokes for different folks-I wonder why? 

March 19, 2004

                The National Catholic Reporter gives us “Albany bishop faces abuse allegations: Hubbard denies charges some call questionable: diocese hires investigator.”

                Ed Griffin-Nolan reports: “A parity of ghost and a former prostitute have made charges of sexual improprieties against Albany Bishop Howard Hubbard, and in the current climate of sensitivity to clergy sex abuse, this has been enough to keep the 65-year-old bishop in the center of the media attention he’d rather avoid.

                “Hubbard has been involved on all sides of the clergy sex abuse scandals and now finds himself right in the middle of it. In the wake of a series of allegations against the bishop, the diocese has hired former federal prosecutors Mary J. White to investigate and report to the public…”45

                What had me interested in this article was that I had to hear from Bishop Harrington that I was being “followed by private detectives/investigators.” And the band plays on. 

March 21, 2004

                In my 3 mile walk this day, I was wondering about the stolen items from my room in the rectory at St. Edward’s. I gave the list to of these items to Bishop Reilly over 2 years ago. I never herd anything. I was just thinking how or why I didn’t hear anything more. Bishop Reilly told me” “We’ll take care of this. No problem.” Why didn’t anything happen” Most likely the diocesan insurance would have covered this. But was there other people (Rueger, Pedone etc.) influencing this issue differentially? For that matter, by the diocese recognizing this, was there issue of other matters of what was really going on in this Chancery Gang? Just wondering?  Those stolen items were my personal items that were conservatory valued at least $3,000.

                I was talking with another priest and somehow-just by chance, right? The topic about an allegated priest was asked by Attorney Ed Ryan: Was anyone out to get him? I recall this same question form Fr. Henry Bowen asking me when we first met to defend me as a Canon Lawyer: “Ted, was there anyone out to get you?” Another interesting bit of information for the puzzle is added. But the puzzle was already been re-arraigned.  

March 22, 2004

                I received this letter from my civil lawyer: “Dear Father Kardas: In response to your letter dated February 27, 2004, I have looked through my file for your deposition transcript. I also looked through my billing records. It appeasers that we never ordered any/or paid for a copy of your deposition transcript, therefore, I unfortunately do not have it in my file. Sincerely, H. Bissell Carey, III.”

                When I received this, it seemed to me that even my civil lawyer had me: Hatched, matched and dispatched. An expression used in the Church on certain individuals celebrating Baptism, Marriage and Funeral- not a regular participant of Sunday Eucharist. Here the expression is used to direct that it was all over-my case- even before it began. So, money talks obviously more than the cost of a copy of my deposition. 

March 24, 2004

                This next article was somewhat interesting reading because; first it was not the local newspapers from Worcester, Fitchburg or Boston. But it was on this day by an Associated Press reporter-John Christoffersen in The Republican (Springfield) of “Conn. Dioceses report abuse tally: An attorney who has pending abuse claims against the Hartford archdiocese, called the use of the phrase ‘substantial allegations’ misleading.”

              Christoffersen writes: “Hartford-The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Hartford has received ‘substantial’ allegations of sexual abuse of children against 24 priests since 1950, church officials said yesterday.

                “Church officials, who are reporting figures for a national survey, said there were a total of 79 victims, with most of the allegations dating to the 1960s or 1970s. The priests represent less than 2 percent of the total number of priests who served in the archdiocese during that period, church officials said.

                “ ‘While the actual statistics over the period covered by the survey are relatively minimal in scope, even one perpetrator-one victim-is one too many.’ Hartford Archbishop Henry Mansell said in a statement. ‘Clearly, history cannot be changed. However, we can make sure that history is not repeated.’

                “Cindy Robinson, an attorney who has pending abuse claims against the archdiocese, called the reported percentage of priests accused of abuse ‘meaningless.’

                “‘The use of the phrase ‘substantial allegations’ is historically a typical tactic used by church officials to hide sex abuse scandals,’ Robinson said. ‘That means there could be dozens of allegations which some church official felt were unsubstantiated. I personally don’t find that very comforting.’

                “The Rev. John Gatzak, a spokesman for the archdiocese, said the reference to substantial allegations means claims that were substantiated or had sufficient credibility to be considered true…”47

                This last phrase by Father Gatzak giving meaning to “substantial” opened my eyes as meaning “claims that were substantiated or had sufficient credibility to be considered true.” This had me reflect on who is making such evaluations or discernment. Let’s not forget that I had the occasion to have a Bishop Harrington with Rueger, Tinsley and Pedone in the Worcester Gang. Also, let’s not forget that I had no recourse of any defense-guilty till proven innocent-Queen’s Justice...

                Another point of interest with Gatzak’s comment is I have not read any media outlet that had given such a specific point of reference of how cases are handled. People (clergy) just disappeared around here.  

March 26, 2004

                One point should be made known: Read everything you can get on a topic. This was part of my education in the seminary when I was studying Moral Theology.

                I have been receiving correspondence from “Voice of the Faithful-Rebuilding trust begins today” which must have obtained my names form the National Catholic Reporter which I subscribe too.

                This day I received this letter: “Dear Thaddeus J. Kardas, The future of the Church ins in our hands. Please read the enclosed Petitions for Reform and, if you agree with us, sing and return them today.

                “Voice of the Faithful is an organization of mainstream Catholics. Like you, we have each been forced to face a wrenching truth about an underlying culture in our Church…one that allowed more than 10,670 cases of sexual abuse by over 4,300 implicated priests-and an as-yet undetermined number of bishops who kept it secret throughout our lifetimes.

                “Members and supporters of Voice of the Faithful have examined their consciences and decided it is time, as faithful Catholics, to take some action. That is why many view us as the response of the Church to victims and survivors in pursuit of healing and justice. It is why we have taken an active role in supporting our priest in their ministry, and in developing models for communication and collaboration. It is why we are working on a set of principle for financial responsibility and disclosure that can be adopted at the diocesan and parish levels. And it why we are calling upon bishops to provide laypersons with a meaningful voice in the governance and guidance of the Church…”48

                Reading this and realizing that this was why Bishop Reilly began a Diocesan Pastoral Council. He did so, most likely, to checkmate this group in the diocese.

                I never sent anything back to this group. It is interesting reading especially on my part where I seem not to have any voice or identity whatsoever-being a non-person. 

March 27, 2004

                The Republican (Springfield) has this for front page story: “Vatican to decide Dupre’s fate.” Bill Zajac of the papers staff writes: “Springfield-The Roman Catholic Dicoese of Springfield will lead the investigation into the allegations that former Bishop Thomas L. Dupre sexually abused two minors, but the Vatican will decide any possible actins against him.

                “A day after apologizing to the alleged victims for confusion surrounding a potential investigation, the Springfield diocese announced yesterday the process for the investigation.

“Officals from both the Springfield diocese and the Archdiocese of Boston said yesterday the confusion was related to the unique task before them. Dupre is the first bishop in New England accused of sexual abuse of minors and could be the first in the United States criminally prosecuted if the district attorney presses charges.

                “It following the 2002 U>S. bishops policy on clergy sexual abuse, all allegations other than those against a bishop are investigated by logical diocesan review boards.

                “This is an odd situation. I don’t think anyone anticipated this situation arising when the policy was established.’ said the Rev. Christopher J. Coyne, spokesman for the Archdiocese of Boston.

“It is unclear what action would be taken against Dupre if the accusations are deemed credible…”49

                Reading this, I recall that Bishop Rueger was “proclaimed innocent by the Vatican.” This was when Rueger received the “Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval.” Why did the Catholic Free Press report this to the local population when there should have been a Diocesan Review Board? Yet, we were told that the Vatican found Rueger pure.

                This same day I received an e-mail for Mrs. Joanne Curtin. She wrote: “Subject: Hip Hip Hurrah. Do you know how long I have waited and prayer to hear you come to the conclusion that though victimized you are not a Victim. You Have Choices. The Light has overcome the Darkness and it will not be put out.  You nave been in the dessert but it us time to take the Light form under the bushel basket and let it shine. It may not be easy, but I sincerely hope this is your Last Lent in the cave. Friday is here but Sunday is coming. Peace and Justice needs to be done and you need to continue your Mission to Resonate Christum.  They owe you a Ministry, long and faithful servant. Take care JMC”

                Mrs. Curtin has walked with me since I arrived at the parish in Westminster. She is a registered nurse and has an interesting background in the Church where her husband and herself came for PA and even marched with the Berrigan Brothers against the Vietnam War. She is attending retreats and a reader of Catholic literature besides other health and spiritual issues. She has some very interesting insights at times.  

March 28, 2004

                I would have loved to do a study of a Catholic pastor in1974 and a pastor in 2004. A classic example would be someone as “Father Peacock” model now and then. He keeps the issue of “retirement” practically each time I speak with him. What might have been the difference between then and now with pastors and “power and authority”? How many then-1974- used the “retirement” escape hatch to this present generation of pastors’ looking for today’s escape hatches. 

March 29, 2004

                Father Richard P. McBride writes in his weekly column of Essays in Theology “Is the Sexual abuse Scandal ‘History’?”

                He writes: “At a news conference in connection with release of the report of the National Review board-the body that had been appointed by the U.S. Catholic bishops to examine the sexual-abuse scandal-Bishop  Wilton Gregory, president of the Bishops’ Conference, used the  ‘history’ in an apparent attempt to assure the general public that the sexual-abuse crisis is now behind us.

                “ ‘The terrible history recorded here today is history,’ Bishop Gregory insisted (The New York Times reported that the bishop had ‘punched at his word.’)

                “The sins committed by the predatory priests (there was no reference to Episcopal malfeasance in Bishop Gregory’s remarks) were relegated entirely to the past. It was as if those sins had been laid out before some mythical confessor and been duly absolved.

                “The ‘penance’ imposed on the predatory priests had also been executed. ‘I assure you,’ Bishop Gregory pointed out, ‘that known offenders are not in ministry.’

                “In accordance with the ‘zero-tolerance,’ or one-strike-and-you’re out, policy adopted by the bishops in Dallas almost tow years ago, a priest was to be removed immediately from the priesthood if at least one substantiated allegation had been raised against him.

                (We lease aside here persistent reports from various dioceses that a number of priests who have been accused of sexual abuse remain in active ministry, or at least on the diocesan payroll.)

                “Significantly, Bishop Gregory made no mention of the ‘penance’ that the bishops themselves might be required to perform, particularly those who had conversed up the crimes of sexual abuse transferred to the perpetrator from place to place, thereby exposing other children and young people to future abuse, intimidated the victims and their families by threatening counter-suits or arriving at confidential settlements that imposed permanent silence on the parties, stonewalled or lied in the discovery phase of litigation, or blamed everything on ‘anti-Catholic’ media or on reform minded Catholics for ‘using’ the crisis to push their own ‘agenda.’ (How about one being asked any question whatsoever about ‘certain agendas’?)

                “Contrary to the sometimes pugnacious assurances of certain lay and clerical defender of the status quo, the National Review Board’s report indicates that the incidence of sexual abuse by priests may not, in fact, be below the national norm…”51

                In addition, this day I received a letter address to me at the Giza’s home of 2065 Calkins Street, Palmer, MA with an enclosed FAX to: Pastors and Administrators From: Jerome D. Jussaume (Diocesan Finance Manager) about a meeting-April 6th-Ascension Parish Hall, Worcester on diocesan group health insurance plan.52

                I guess that I was on someone’s list (old) in the Diocesan Finance Office to get such a mailing. This day is February 29, 2004 and I was removed in 1993 and have been at the Palmer address since July of that same year. Oh Well! Listings are one thing but who made it a point to mail me a FAX letter? Somebody with a pointed-hat is in the chancery playing mind games?

March 2004

                I received a copy o f the newsletter from WEORC: The feature article states: “In these recent days, the urge for honest dialogue has become something of a passion for Church fold. All over the country, Catholics are weighing in about what ails this Church we so deeply love. The WEORC coordinating Committee wants to encourage this dialogue. So we have provided the following food for thought entitled ‘Fault Lines.’ We’ve already asked stoneworkers to preview this article and their reactions are included on the following pages. Pease feel free to hoi the dialogue and respond with your own thoughts by using the comment space provided or email us at WEOR etc.

                “Fault Lines: The pedophilia scandal hit the Church like an earthquake. Initially, the causalities and devastated structures were obvious. Among the wounded were victims of abuse and their families, abusers and the bishops who enabled them, the reparation of the priesthood, and the erosion of trust throughout the entire Catholic community. As with any group rocked by such a calamity, there was a desire to deal with the damage promptly and return to normalcy as soon as possible. Thus the bishops launched their Dallas strategy of zero tolerance, hoping that ore effective procedures would help heal the wounded, prevent further abuse, and restore Mass attendance, contributions and thrust among the faithful.

                “However, with earthquakes only the passage of time, further aftershocks, and careful scrutiny reveal the true extent of the destruction. Tectonic plates have shifted deep beneath the earth’s surface, cracking foundations, weakening hey structural supports, and endangering human lives. People of all ages experience ongoing trauma, persistent nightmares and other psychic scars. Engineers, building inspectors and safety experts bring their unwelcoming but necessary damage reports to governmental officials, politicians and property owners. Likewise, attorneys, parents, survivor networks and investigative reporters have alerted bishops and their superiors in Rome to the need for more extensive repairs in the damaged fabric of the Church.

                “What are the initial singe of more subtle fracture in the foundations of the Church? Priests are speaking out about their concerns and grievances. In Boston, Milwaukee, New York, Chicago, Rockville Center and elsewhere they are voicing frustrations about removal of culpable bishops, growing shortage of priests, violations of due process, scapegoat of clergy, acrimonious official bull-sessions are now shouted from the rooftops…”53

                The area of “frustrations” I believe I have been referring too in my writings. What I know from reading history is nothing will “really” change in a dialogue nature. The present structure of the Catholic hierarchy and clergy will be like wax on a candle that has just been blown out-the wax become hard. And the band plays-on. Business as usual goes on with the official Church. 

April 1, 2004

                “Father Peacock” called me to say that Fr. Gerry Branconia called him that he wrote to Bishop Rueger to ask for $50 help (rent). Branconia was in the same financial bracket as me as far as I was able to find out. Rueger supposedly wrote back to him telling him in a long letter that he was not going to get additional financial help.

                I never heard about this again. But, it seems with an established pattern with the Worcester Chancery Gang. But, they would tell others that each priest is taken-care-of. 

April 2, 2004

                I was watching Imus in the Morning regular morning program. This day Don Imus had Mike Barnacle as a guest by phone of Barnacle’s new job writing for the Boston Herald and the N.Y. Post.  Barnacle goes on a tirade about the Catholic Church and the American Bishops with the pedophile priest issue. Barnacle sad he “goes to Church and receives communion but not every week" because how the bishops handled this crisis (sex abuse).

                My question was what was going on with Barnacle. He had the stage of the program but acting a part that was very peculiar and totally out of character for Barnacle. I noticed that even Imus was uncomfortable with Barnacle on this but was squiring in his seat trying to conduct this interview.

                The Worcester Telegram & Gazette gives us the first page of local news section: “Former Notre Dame principal cleared” by Kathleen A. Shaw. What is interesting in this article by Shaw is how she writes about the preclinical but adds “In another development.”

                She writes: “Fitchburg-A former principal of Notre Dame High School has been acquitted of charges that the he assaulted a student in 1968.

                “Brother Louis Laperle, 76, of Pascoag, R.I.  was cleared last week in Fitchburg District Court of  charges that he assaulted a student between Jan. 1 and June 30, 1968, when he was principal, He was is now retired.

                “Brother Laperle was charged with three misdemeanors charges of assault and battery and was found not guilty on all charges, according to Elizabeth Stammo, spokeswoman for Mr. Conte…In another development, the Rev. Jean-Paul Gagnon has been charged with indecent assault and battery on a person over age 14 at a time when he was pastor of St. Augustine parish in Millville.

                “According to a statement from the office of District Attorney John J. Conte, the offense occurred in Sutton on Oct. 11, 2002. The accuser, who has not been named publicly, was described as a man who was active in the Millville parish.

                “The criminal charge was issued through Uxbridge District Court. Rev. Gagnon is scheduled to be arraigned there on May 17.

                “Mr. Conte said the allegation against Rev. Gagnon was investigated by the state police detective unit assigned to his office.

                “Rev. Gagnon took personal leave in October 2002 after Timothy P Staney of Worcester, and his parents, Corrine and Joseph Stanley of Spencer, filed a civil suit against him.

                “The suit alleges that Rev. Gagnon sexually abused Timothy Stanley while he was serving at Holy Name of Jesus parish in Worcester. Rev. Gagnon has denied all allegations...”54

                This is a buddy of “Father Peacock” where I was hearing a different version of the story being that the family and alleged victims has issues with the Church and Father Gagnon. (One might have to notice that the secular press calls clergy “Rev.” while the Catholic Free Press writes “Father.”) 

April 3, 2004

                I had to hear from “Father Peacock” some facts of “in my face? About what I was receiving compared to his as Pastor.  He was using his annual income issue by telling me numbers. He sad his annual income started at $24,000 and adding housing of $4,800 (Total approximately $48,000 with stipends, other benefits as study week, retreat and gifts).

                What he started to do to me was tell me that I was under the “old” system of ten years ago being put on “Administrative Leave” by Bishop Harrington. I only listened and had to realize that I was getting 1/5 of what this guy was making. But, the Chancery would tell people that they are taking care of their priest on “Administrative Leave.” 

April 6, 2004

                I was thinking on sending Bishop Rueger an Easter card which I did not send with the message: Bishop George, No one else has come out on me. Hope no one else comes out on you. Happy Easter. Ted Kardas 

April 9, 2004

                National Catholic Reporter reports a story that is very peculiar for them to print in the light of what their mantra has been on the clergy abuse crisis.

                “Alleged victim recants abuse claim, pastor reinstated” by Catholic News Service-Joliet, Ill. It states: “Fr. Thomas White was exonerated of abuse charges and reinstated as pastor of St. Daniel the Prophet Parish in Wheaton, Ill., after James Tibor of Naperville recanted charges of secular abuse he made against the priest, the Joliet diocese has announced.

                “Tibor, 34, had named the priest and the diocese in an October 2003 lawsuit alleging sexual abuse of a minor in 1997 and 1980. White had been on administrative leave since Oct. 22.

                “Tibor, in a written statement, admitted that he was never alone with the priest and ‘that Fr. White never had any physical, sexual or other contact with him at any time.’ Last October, Tibor had said reports of priests abusing children had brought suppressed memories to the surface.

                “‘Upon further reflection, he has come to doubt whether the events in the lawsuit ever occurred,’ his attorney said March22.

                “White, 70, who always maintained his innocence, was elated at his complete exoneration, said diocesan spokesman John Cullen.

                “ ‘I don’t know what caused [Tibor] to bring the charge, but I hope that this encourages people to grant priests the same presumption of innocence that other people in our society are given,’ Cullen quoted White as saying.

                “Joliet Bishop Joseph L. Imesch said, ‘The accusation caused a great deal of pain and suffering for Fr. White and great consternation and turmoil in his parish. I am committed to help victims of abuse but deplore those who make false allegations.’

                “In a letter to St. Daniel parishioners, the bishop told them, ‘Your faith and belief in [Fr. White] has been a great source of strength for him.’

                “He added, ‘Fr. Whitle’s Lent lasted more than five months and now his Easter has already begun.’ “55

                I have a question: What happened to the alleged victims with his “suppressed memory”?

                This Good Friday day, I heard a review about the movie The Passion of the Christ with Mel Brooks directing. It mentions nothing about the Resurrection. The movie is suffering of physical nature but not very much of his psychological and spiritual suffering. It is totally lacking of personalize.

                So, here I was in “my cave” having heard nothing for the Chrism Mass. Nothing in the mail of a message from the bishop... I felt abandoned, labeled and rejected as a person. 

April 12, 2004

                Another article by Father Richard McBrien writes in his Essays in Theology this day: “Celibacy: Cause or Factor?”

                He states: “It has become commonplace nowadays to insist that obligatory celibacy is not the cause of sexual-abuse crisis n the priesthood. The recent report by an independent, but Episcopal-appointed National Review Board, makes that point very definite.

                “One wonders if perhaps its lay membership felt the need to give something back to a hierarchical establishment that would likely be uncomfortable with most of its finds.

                “I may be that there are some uninformed, simplistically-minded people out there who have claimed that celibacy is the cause of this terrible scandal and crisis, but I am not aware of a single serious commentator who has made such a claim.

                “The defenders of celibacy are surely right when they ask, ‘If celibacy were the cause of she crisis, why haven’t the overwhelming majority of celibate priests been sexually involved with children and young people?’

                “But those same defenders move onto softer ground when they cite the statistics that ‘only’ four percent of celibate priests have been guilty of these crimes and sins of sexual abuse. From there they move almost effortlessly to the conclusion that 96 percent are faithful to their commitment to celibacy.

                “But this is a fallacy. Sexual involvement with children and young people is not the only way that celibacy can be violated. The fact that at least four percent of priests have abused children and teenagers does not necessarily mean that the remaining 96 percent are delicate in the full sense of the word.

                “Suc as assumption is at least questioned, if not contradicted, by the testimony and experience of spiritual directors, psychologists, vicars for clergy, and most importantly, of priests themselves. They know that celibacy does not work in the way that church officials and many, if not most, laity assume it works…”56

                Nothing is going to change on this celibacy issue. I said before that this is not the issue with priesthood in the last 30 years that I had seen. In American, it is an issue that church officials or mothers’ of priest would never admit- a

different orientation of a significant proportion of ordained clergy in this type of individual. I was not in this camp of ordained priest. 

April 14, 2004

                The Boston Globe on its web page printed this story by Adam Gorlick: “Bishop in Mass. Puts Abuse Suits on Hold.”

                He writes: “Springfield, Mass.-The new head of the Springfield Diocese said Wednesday clergy sex abuse lawsuits and complains will be put on hold for six weeks while church attorneys try to reach a settlement with lawyers for alleged victims.

                “Bishop Timothy McDonnell said the diocese has agreed to a 45-day moratorium to foster negotiations with more than 40 people who say they were childhood victims of pedophile priests.

                “During the moratorium, litigation on both sides will halt.

                “ ‘I have hope that we can reach a fair and agreeable solution that begins the healing, McConnell told The Associated Press. ‘It won’t end the healing by any means, but it will begin the healing….’”57

                Interesting move by the Springfield Diocese. The Worcester Diocese operated with “the priest is history.” 

April 20, 2004

                I was thinking how I seriously writing the text of my book-manuscript- on December 31, 2003. I has been a more difficult venture than I thought it would be. I felt at times drained and not able to write. Other times, I would find other things to do to avoid doing “the book.” Then I reverted back to the model of the turtle moving along and at times needing to withdraw into the shell for R&R.

April 21, 2004

                I reviewed my journey again as an annual overview of what I should have done:

1.        I should have hired a lawyer after Bishop Rueger made the slander statement at the Confirmation Mass at St. Edward about me in the spring of 1993 when he said: “You (candidates) do not have to listen to Fr. Kardas.” This issue was that he undercut my position as pastor of the parish. Anything I did from that point was negated by his public remark. There was a full church at the time of this statement for witnesses-defamation of character and credibility issues. Rueger should have, as one pastor told me, complemented me for having a model parish with the R.C.I.A.-Mystagogy.

2.        “You’re guilty till proven innocent.” (Bishop Harrington in 1993)

3.        Documentation-Medical and public statement that I was no a danger.

4.        Being isolated with comment of “we will get hold off you.’ (Rueger)

5.        1/5 salary based and not benefits.

6.        Vindication-present to get it out for myself-dangerous direction.

7.        Humiliating and depersonalizing-imposition

8.        The Church Hierarchy as a “kabala” with hatchet men like Rueger.

9.        Rueger’s Code Name in diocese: Carol Channing (Yu have to listen to him talk and watch his walk).

                I found on the Internet under Father Greeley’s web page his article that appeared in America magazine: “Ratzinger (Pope Benedict XVI) and New York Times Agree on Sex Abuse by Priests.”

                Greeley wrote: “The New York Times labored rightly to bring forth a mountain of priest abusers in its recent census and produced only a mouse as it admitted in the 12 paragraph of it sensationalist prose. The Times reported a percent of American priests abusers not greatly different from that Cardinal Ratzinger obtained in the rarified airs were voices speak to German theologians-1% for the Cardinal and 1.8% for the Times. Yet the Times used this very low proportion to launch yet another attack on the Catholic Church and celibate priesthood.

                “I have for the record, been warning Church leadership since 1985 that was ‘sitting on an atom bomb’ created by the reassignment of abusing priests. One victim of a priest is one too many. One reassigned abuser is one too many. The number of abusing priests (1205) and victims (4268) is horrific. However if the Ratzinger/NYT estimates are anything near the reality, 98% of American priests are not abusers, a point the Times neglects to make and which ought to have been the lead in an unbiased news report. I suspect that the Ratzinger/Times estimates are too low, but doubles the number to 4$-which suspect is closer to the truth-and one still finds that 96% of priests are not abusers. The horror is doubled but the picture is not nearly as bleak as the Times and other media have hinted through the last year.

                “The Times writer, however, proved remarkably ingenious in keeping the feeding frenzy alive. There is evidence in the data, she suggest, to support both those who blame the abuse problem  on celibacy and those who blame it on the breakdown of sexual morality during the sixties.

                “This is simply to so. The numbers prove nothing at all. Most experts in sexual abuse of minors and children attribute it to a deep and incurable syndrome acquired early in life. Marriage won’t cure it. An abuser who marries is a married abuser. Moreover it is contemptuous of women to suggest that a man can cure his attraction to minors simply by sleeping with a woman. The fact that most of the abusers were ordained in the sixties can just as well be attributed to the fact that there were large ordination classes in those years.

                “Nonetheless, the Times writer ignores the clinical evidence about the personalities of abusers and use the debate between the two sides to create havoc, and let those against the furies of the taking heads who have pontificated about priests for the last twelve months. She thus deftly shifts the frame of her article form abuser to all priests…”58

                It is amazing how Greeley and McBrien of the last few weeks have the issue of avoidance. This area is what the writer of the Times article getting at, Father Greeley and Father McBrien. 

April 22, 2004

                I had a very interesting “conversation” with Father Gamache. It started with him saying: “You will die soon. We will go to your funeral watching the black hearse saying “There goes Teddy.” I sad to Gamache “They are going to get you first and the headlines will read “we got him.’ He said he knew that in Winchendon the papers will say: “Father dropped a Mass. No ramp for the handicapped.  Then Gamache said if he was allegation, he would fight it because he had the money to do so.

                I wondered where all that came from on his part. I said: I wouldn’t wish him to be in my shoes. Then, our conversation turned into a differently where he said to me: “I realize that.” 

April 23, 2004

                The National Catholic Reporter gives us this day “Bishops seduce and abandon review board.” Eugene Kennedy for the Religious News Service gives this “Viewpoint.”

                He writes: Don’t have as much attention to what we say, Richard Nixon said famously in introducing his cabinet to the country 35 years ago but say attention to what we do.

                “The bishop’s administrative board recently voted to defer until November any authorization of the continued work on the clergy sex abuse scandal by the National Review Board for the Protection of Children and Young People that they themselves appointed in 2002.

                “What they are saying, according to their president, Wilton Gregory, is that they discussed ‘how to build on what has already been done’ and ‘strongly reaffirmed’ the conference’s commitment to the character they adopted in Dallas tow years ago.

                “What they are doing, however, is smothering, with a pillow they think as silent as their choir cassocks, the word of the review board buy short-circuiting the next round of the independent audit of the 195 dioceses those if they are in compliance with their own mandate.

                “What they are doing is aborting the further study of the causes of the sex abuse scandal proposed by the National Review Board in its Web. 27 report…”59 

April 24, 2004

                I received a brochure from “Call to Action-New England’s 10th annual Spring Conference” on Saturday, April 24, 2004. The theme: Justice and Action in the Church and in the World with Plenary Speaker- Thomas P. Doyle, O.P., J.C.D. speaking on “‘Catholic’ Justice: Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow. This was taking place in Marlborough, MA. 60

                This is the Father Doyle that spoke so strongly about the danger of the priest sex abuse scandal while working in the Vatican Embassy in Washington, D.C. in 1984.

                The evening news carried the story of Bishop Gregory (President of U.S. Bishops’ Conference) saying at the Rectory’s Dinner at North America College: “Everyone is great and getting better in the American Catholic Church.” Oh? 

April 25, 2004

                It was a day where Mrs. Gail Robinson, who has worked for me at the rectory and “walked” with me since 1993 came out with: “The February article about you in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette about you was devastating.”

                Again, where did that come from since there was nothing to reflect to have such a conversation?

April 29, 2004

                “Alleged victim draws fire” by Kathleen A. Shaw appeared in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette.

                Shaw writes: “Worcester-Timothy P. Staney, who is suing the Roman Catholic Diocese of Worcester and the Rev. Jean-Paul Gagnon, alleging he was sexually abused by the priest, was sanctioned yesterday by Judge Jeffrey A. Locke for posting a psychotically report form the former House of Affirmation on his Web sit.

                “Joanne L. Goulka of Stoneham, lawyer for the diocese, told Judge Locke that the report, which involved Rev. Gagnon and the former House of Affirmation in Whitinsville, was to be kept private by agreement with the court.

                “The judge denied her request that Mr. Staney be required to provide the names and addresses of anyone who had visited his Web site and information regarding other Web sites where the report might have been linked.

                “Mr. Staney has been ordered to pay a monetary penalty to be determined by the court. Ms. Goulka was asked by the judge to submit an appropriate figure. Mr. Staney, formerly of Worcester, has since moved to Florida and was not in court yesterday. His Web site, which contained personal information about himself and his suit, has since been dismantled and is no longer in operation.

                “Mr. Goulka told the judge she feared that potential jurors would have read the report and it would result in prejudicial prevail publicity.

                “The judge called posting thee report by a party to the suit ‘a cheap shot on his part.’ He ordered Mr. Staney to ‘cease and desist.’

                “Lawyer Daniel J. Shea of Houston, who represents Mr. Staney, said he had not prior knowledge that Mr. Staney intended to post the material. He said some material form that report first appeared in a news story in June 2003 in the Woonsocket Call, in Rhode Island. A reporter for that newspaper alerted Mr. Stony that the report was found in the public case file at Worcester Superior court, Mr. Shea said…”61

                Another story at this time worth watching is Attorney Shea of Houston working in Bishop Reilly’s Diocese of Worcester- the agenda here is time. 

April 30, 2004

                “Former priest sues archbishop over abuse allegations” by Religious News Service of New Orleans appears in this day’s National Catholic Reporter.

                The story states: “A former New Orleans Catholic priest took the rare step April 19 of suing the archbishop, saying Archbishop Alfred Hughes humiliated him when the church announced that the many may have sexually molested a child while serving as a priest at a Metariie, La., and parish some 30 years ago.

                “Denying the abuse ever occurred, Bernard Schmaltz sued Hughes for defamation and invasion of privacy.

                “Schmaltz also said Hughes broadcast the allegation against Schmaltz to ‘deflect attention’ from his own ‘deplorable’ conduct as an auxiliary bishop in the early 1990s in Boston, the epicenter of the Catholic sexual abuse crisis in the Untied States.

                “Bishops who for years quietly transferred molester-priest to new parishes now ‘are knowingly throwing innocent priests to the wolves to cover up their actions,’ Schmaltz said in a statement.

                “The New Orleans archdiocese says it handled the complaint against Schmaltz responsibly, balancing the interests of Schmaltz, his accuser and the church.

                “The archdiocese’s spokesman, Fr. William Maestri, also rejected the contention that Hughes turned the complaint against Schmaltz into an ‘overreaction’ for self-serving reasons.

                “The lawsuit, filed in New Orleans Parish Civil District Court, stems form the events of Jan 23, when the archdiocese convened an unusual Saturday night news conference to announce that a priest, Fr Michael Fraser, and a former priest, Schmaltz had been named in new sexual abuse allegations…”62

                This brings to mind what Bishop Rueger did to me in April of 1993 at my parish telling the Confirmation candidates at Mass that they “didn’t have to listen to Fr. Kardas.” How many areas of a law suit be developed from that remark and situation especially knowing more of the story about Bishop Harrington. 

May 1, 2004

                I was doing research on my story by any source that was available either by reading articles in present printed stories and library research, developed the skill of finding article on the internet on sources that were available, doing interviews and listening to media reports.

                What I found interesting was that “Father Peacock” would not share any religious article or professional magazines with me. He would mention something in a source that I knew he received but never would share it with me. So, I would go to the library or go on the internet-a few weeks later-to find the work.

                I, even, re-read the 3 depositions that I received from Attorney Carey in Boston in February. I wondered and read McCormick’s, Joslyn and Reidy and wondered. These people were giving a story that had nothing to do with abuse. My question was: What was really going on? McCormick was fabricating issues that never did take place. One, especially, being the age of 12 that I abused her? First, I never abused her or anyone. Second, as I mentioned previously, that McCormick was 12 and I was living in Michigan, going to school.

                I never had this information until I asked for them. Never mind that Weber deposition was never seen. I don’t believe my civil attorney never had a copy-never ordered one-to question or update me on her deposition.

                The Sentinel & Enterprise had a frond page story and picture of Father Donald Ouellette “Fitchburg pastor sentenced: Priest get five years-Lawyer: Pastor gave $252K to former teen parishioners.”

                The story reads: “Worcester-A judge sentenced a Fitchburg pastor to five hers in jail Wednesday after saying he did not believe the priest’s explanation for stealing more than $250,000 from the Immaculate Conception Church.

                “The Rev. Donald Ouellette, 49, did not speak at his sentencing hearing, but he wrote in an eight-sentence letter (May 5, 2004: While serving as Pastor of Immaculate Conception Parish in Fitchburg, I wrote checks to myself. These checks were all from Immaculate Conception Parish accounts. The toll sum was $252,000.00. All the checks were payable to me and were cashed by me. I gave this money to Daniel St. Francis of Whitinsville as directed by him. I apologize to the parishioners of Immaculate Conception Parish whose trust in me I have destroyed. I apologize to the Bishop, diocesan community, the public at large and to all others whose lives have been affected. I have take out a life insurance policy for two hundred fifty thousand dollars [$250,000.00] to repay the monies. Sincerely, Rev. Donald C. Ouellette). It was ‘directed’ to give the stolen money to a Whitinsville man.

                “‘He had given all of this money to a man named Daniel St. Francis,’ said Michael McEvilly of Leominster, the Catholic priest’s lawyer, who apologized to Immaculate Conception parishioners on behalf of his client.

“McEvilly told Superior Court Judge Peter Agnes that St. Francis repeatedly fabricated reasons to get more money from the priest, convincing Ouellette at one point that he was in the custody of the U.S. Marshals service as part of the witness protection program.

                “Agnes said the priest’s accounts was incomplete and ‘doesn’t have the ring of truth.’

                “ I have yet to be provided with a reason or explanation for the conduct, one that makes any sense to the court,’ he said.

                “Agnes ordered Ouellette to serve three consecutive two-and-a-half year sentences in the House of Correction, but suspended the last sentence for 10 years of probation.

                “McEvilly said after the hearing that Ouellette may not have to serve all five years because he will be eligible for parole after half the sentence.

                “He said St. Francis met Ouellette when he was a teenage parishioner at St. Patrick’s Church in Whitinsville.

                “ ‘He was a parishioner,’ McEvilly told the Sentinel & Enterprise. ‘He knew him when he was there. He said (St. Francis) called him in dire straits.’

                “Ouellette, a former religious brother and teacher became a diocesan priest in 1990 and was an assigned to St. Patrick’s in the early 1990s…” (A picture of “The Rev. Rocco Piccolomini and Monsignor Thomas Sullivan were included- a status pose.)63

                Boy! Was this a clear case of “blackmail” on St. Francis against Father Ouellette?  

May 6, 2004

                I have become a fan of watching “Survivor” on CBS. This particular series was in Panama. I wondered when the group voted who out at the end of each program. It had me thinking how the Worcester Chancery Gang voted on me being a pastor. I was gone. This was how I was handled by Worcester: Ted, the Team voted you off. Oh? But, my sequence would be a follow-up show: Diary of a Poster Boy Priest-The Duck Bumped the Goose. This was mainly to that I was a “recovered alcoholic.” Where the Bishop was an “active alcoholic” and allowed to drive.

                The main, other issue was the difficulty of living in a “gay culture and atmosphere of the Catholic priesthood.” No one in the regular parish wanted to think such an issue existed. Yet, living in such an atmosphere is being the odd-person-in and something wrong with me being “different.” It was something that I used to hear when I began college and the seminarians (major seminary) were called “fruits.”

                Something I didn’t realize when first ordained: How certain women would be attached to a “gay priest” to a point of overdoing their admiration. The observation didn’t have me realize at first, but these women knew they were “safe” with such a priest. It was a learning experience in me maintaining my celibacy and vocation. I did not have any such issue because mainly I was so involved in my ministry that I was working the assigned programs. I do mention this, not because of any jealousy, but a very peculiar observation at first on my part. There were a number of older priest leaving and getting married when I was first ordained. Other priest just disappeared from their assignments and no one, it seemed, asked any questions-some only talked baseball. There was some form of a “secret code” in conversations but being newly ordained in the early 70s had me very naïve on these matters. It took me a while to learn otherwise.

                Whenever the issue of homosexuality in the priesthood was mentioned was a delicate topic when speaking to Stan Giza in 1993. At that time, I was trying to find-out what the allegations and situation in the Diocese was stirring of the other "real" story... There was the factor of my bishop “covering-up” his issues and myself being labeled by Fr. Tom Lynch as: Worcester’s Poster Boy.

                I did not realize when I first entered college-seminary where we were called by the Preparatory

(high school) called us “fruits.” What I realized was that I was “wired” differently than a lot of classmates. It continued upon ordination in the Worcester Diocese. Then working in my ministry as a parish priest had me not adaptive to the “political picture” and noticing that there was the area of “unmentionable topics” that were never mentioned at the rectory table or general priest meetings. I thought that it would be a cake walk after the seminary experience. I was wrong. While I was in my last couple years in the seminary before ordination, I was more at my assigned parish doing “pastoral ministry” than sitting in the Sem. Building. However, I noticed after ordination and being assigned to my first parish, it was a “game” that I kept separated by hitting the streets-being with parishioners-which came back to “bite” me. What was interesting watching how being a newly ordained priest had a social status with it. There was this cultural higher station enjoyed by being a priest. I believed that I was ordained to do a certain ministry by my vocation as other baptized people in the Church had by their calling.  

May 7, 2004

                The Worcester Telegram & Gazette gives us this day “2 Boston area priests defrocked: Shanley (73), Paquin (61) removed after clergy sexual abuse scandal.”

                Theo Emery of The Associated Press reports: “Boston-Paul Shanley, a key figure in the clergy sexual abuse scandal in the Boston Archdiocese, has been defrocked, along with another Boston-area priest imprisoned for raping a 12-year-old boy, the church announced yesterday.

                “In a May 3 letter obtained by The Associated Press, Archbishop Sean O’Malley told Shanle he was being removed from his duties as a priest, and that Pope John Paul II made the decision on Feb. 19.

                “The letter informed Shanley that he will no longer be eligible for financial support or benefits form the archdiocese and that his stipend and medical benefits will be eliminated at the end of the month.

                “The archdiocese released a statement yesterday afternoon confirming Shanley’s dismissal, and announced that Ronald H. Paquin-who is in prison for raping a 12-year-old altar boy while he was a priest in Haverhill-was also removed from the priesthood, effective yesterday.

                “Paquin, 61, pleaded guilty in 2002 to three counts of rape and abuse of a child under 16 and was sentenced to 12 to 15 years in prison. He was also named in 24 civil lawsuits alleging he sexual abused other children…”64 

May 8, 2004

                This day we get from the local Worcester Telegram & Gazette “Donation spurs ethics complain: Conte’s gift to church questioned.”

                Kathleen A. Shaw writes: “Worcester-Mary T. Jean of the Worcester Voice said she has filed a complaint with the State Ethics Commission against District attorney John J. Conte after he gave a $500 contribution from campaign funds to the Bishop’s Fund of the Diocese of Worcester.

                “Mrs. Jean, a Leominster resident who advocates for victims of clergy sexual abuse in the Worcester Diocese and operates a Web site at based her complaint on two issues. She said Mr. Conte has failed to properly investigate the Diocese of Worcester and its handling of clergy abuse complaints, and she said he ahs a pattern of giving money to the Catholic Church and Catholic organizations but to other religious denominations.

                “Both Mrs. Jean and Mr. Conte are Catholic.

                “A check of Mr. Conte’s rampaging finance expenditure records, which are open to public inspection, showed that he made a $500 donation to the Bishop’s Fund on April 14. He gave the same amount each of the past two years, since the clergy abuse scandal became an issue in the Worcester Diocese.

                “The records shoed that in the past six months, he also gave money to secular charitable organizations such  as the Boys & Girls Club of Worcester, the American Red Cross, the United Way of Central Massachusetts and the Joe DiMaggio Little League.

                “Mr. Conte took strong exception to Mrs. Jean’s complaint and said he has been giving to the Bishop’s Fund for more than 35 years…”65

                Getting interesting in Worcester. 

May 9, 2004

                I have been getting into some interesting discussion of late with especially some priest. One priest almost flipped his wig: The (American) Bishops can’t open their months on the Iraq War because they would they are attacked with the sex abuse crisis with priest. I felt as such times that I was living in a “circular-firing squad.”

                I, also, felt that my writing of my book would essentially be a book of 656 pages. It keeps developing in more than I initially thought it would be. I had “Father Peacock” flip at me that my work is going to be 7 volumes. I respond to him, now, with: No! It will be 656 pages with footnotes. He just shuts-up with such a comment from me. I say nothing more.

                Another thought of late was that my reflection on how Bishop Reilly could have sent me on a “sabbatical or something” and put me into in a Father Inzarello category than under the Bishop Harrington umbrella. I would then have a financial package of “retirement” scale of a difference of $800 a month. Additionally, he never responded to my “list of stolen items” from my residence in St. Edward’s Rectory.

                I was feeling as being done with system: Diocese and Doctor. It was a dark-night other soul sequence of time with my vocation. I had to reach inside myself and reach for “AA tools” that I learned besides my spiritual life. 

May 10, 2004

                Kathleen A. Shaw reports in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette “Bishop McManus eager to get started.”

                She writes: “Providence-Auxiliary Bishop Robert J. McManus walked out to the front of the chancery building on Friday and encountered a young woman who asked when he was leaving. ‘Today’s my last day,’ he told her...’Bishop Reilly told me the two dioceses are similar,’ he said. The new shop-like Bishop Reilly, providence native-admitted he has been to Worcester only twice, but he is eager to meet the people and get started. He said he has already received a warm welcome form Auxiliary Bishop George E. Rueger and the chancery staff.

                “Bishop McManus said he has been busy winding up business in Providence and that Worcester officials have been very good about driving down Route 146 to meet with him.

                “He planned to begin thee move to the Worcester bishop’s residence on High Ridge Road Saturday. Bishop Reilly and Monsignor Thomas Sullivan, diocesan chancellor, have moved to St. Paul’s rectory.

                “Bishop McManus, 52, will be installed as fifth Bishop of Worcester at 2 p.m. Friday at St. Paul’s Cathedral. The event is by invitation only. Renovations to St. Paul's by Bishop Reilly reduced the seating.

                “‘There are a hundred people with tickets who will be standing,’ Bishop McManus said ruefully….”66 

May 11, 2004

                Dianne Williamson writes “Priest’s motivation is a puzzle: Parishioners remain forgiving of theft” in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette.

                She states” “One thing we can say about the Catholic Church-it has always taken seriously its mission to help the less fortunate.

                “But what can we say about the Rev. Donald C. Ouellette?

                “For starters, Rev. Ouellette must have been guzzling Communion wine if he expected the judge in his larceny case to believe that he stole $254,834 from his church to help out a Whitinsville man who needed it to ‘pay bills.’

                “And the Robin Hood syndrome certainly doesn’t apply here, as Rev. Ouellette stole from the poor and gave to a gambler.

                “Is this simply an inexplicable case of good man ding a bad thing? Some of the priest’s former parishioners seem to think so…

                “If he didn’t tell the truth in curt, then he never will,’ Mrs. Babineau (Parishioner of Immaculate Conception, Fitchburg) said. “I think the whole story will remain a mystery. But we’ll keep him in our prayers. We’re a parish of faithful people, and we try not to hang on to negative feelings.”67 

May 13, 2004

                “Catholic bishops, pane at odds over future audits” by Richard N. Ostling of The Associated Press in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette writes: “Morris Plains, N.J.-A key panel of lay Roman Catholics is angrily accusing American bishops of backsliding on a central plank of neither reform program aimed at stopping clergy sexual abuse.

                “But some church leaders are fighting back, saying that the National Review Board is overstepping its authority.

                “‘There can be no more foot-dragging by the hierarchy,’ Anne Burke, interim chair-woman of the review board, said Tuesday night at an appearance in northern New Jersey. The first leader of the board, former Oklahoma Gov. Frank Keating, quit last year after he also accused some bishops of being obstructionist.

                “This is a ‘defining moment’ for the church, said Burke, an Illinois Appellate justice speaking to members of Voice of the Faithful, a lay reform lobby group.

                “The flash point in the dispute between the board and certain bishops is a section of the prelates’ 2002 sex abuse policy which-as part of its monitoring provisions-calls for audits of each diocese to ensure they are complying with the policy.

                “Results of the first such audit for 2003 were issued in January and the review board insists the policy requires that further audits must be done annually…”68 

May 14, 2004

                This day, Bishop McManus was installed at age of 52 as the new bishop of Worcester Diocese. I was noticing myself especially in the afternoon as moving in a squirrel cage. I was not able to find anything I wanted to do and felt as though I accomplished nothing this day. I was here and my diocese was participating in an installation of my bishop. I did feel the isolation. But, I took a moment and realized that it was history on my part if I thought I would ever be in a procession with fellow priest in St. Paul’s Cathedral or any where else. I should not even think of it because it is a done fact with my priesthood. 

May 16, 2004

                I had lunch with” Father Peacock.” This time around he goes with: “I know your life is not complete. You’re retired.” This was said in a derogatory mode. Then he had to add that he could retire now. He said he had enough money to do it immediately.

                Thank you, Father. He somewhat knows my financial situation. Therefore, he seems to me to be “Peacocking.”

May 18, 2004

                “Former pastor arraigned” appeared on page B2 this day in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette.

                Kathleen A. Shaw writes: “Uxbridge-The Rev. Jean-Paul Gagnon, former pastor of St. Gustine parish in Millville, was arraigned yesterday in District Court on one charge of indecent assault and battery on a person over 14.

                “Rev. Gagnon pleaded guilty and Judge Austin T. Philbin continued his case until June 30, releasing him on personal recognizance.

                “According to District Attorney John J. Conte, the alleged incident occurred Oct. 11, 2002, in Sutton. The victim, who is an adult, has not been named, but the district attorney said he was active in St. Augustine parish. The incident on which the charge is based occurred while Rev. Gagnon was assigned to the parish…         “Rev. Gagnon was represented by Edward P. Ryan Jr. of Fitchburg. Mr. Ryan is also representing Rev. Gagnon in a civil suit pending in Worcester Superior Curt alleging he sexually abused Timothy P. Staney, formerly of Worcester and not a Florida resident, when Mr. Staney was a minor.”69 

May 19, 2004

                I receive a “congratulations” card form Bishop McManus. It read: “Deary Father Kardas, On May 23, 2004, you will observe the thirty-fourth anniversary of your ordination to the priesthood. Please know that I join you in prayer and that I asked the Lord Jesus to bless you with peace this day and always. With every best wish, I remain sincerely yours in Christ, Most Revered Robert J. McManus-Bishop of Worcester.”70

                The top of the inside quoted 1 Thessalonians 3:9: HOW CAN WE THANK GOD ENOUGH FOR YOU, FOR ALL THE JOY WE FEEL BEFORE GOD ON YOUR ACCOUNT?

                When I received the envelope, I checked the back of the envelope which had a green return address. This was a regular mailing. If it was in black print, then it was personally from the bishop. Not this where it may have been signed by a “machine” from daily operations.

                I wonder if a “coded” message may have been: Seeing that we have to maintain a monthly stipend and (limited) priestly benefits, I send you this card. Let’s not forget that I have heard nothing in three years from the bishop besides this type of card. Just a reminder on Worcester’s part.

                Because of such outreach I should have written back: First thing I do each morning I awake, I think of your Bishop. Oh? (Getting into the negative stinken-thinking,) 

May 20, 2004

                What I heard was that the American Bishops diverted from the sex abuse commission the established due to rumor that Rome put pressure on them no to listen to a lay commission. So, the question gets begged was how fearful was Rome to being challenged about 1. Gays in ministry 2. Commission expected to touch on issues such as celibacy and gay priest. This question was not even allowed to be asked. 3. was the Church too democratic? This was the end of the lay commission in principle. Back to business as usual in the chanceries and Rome.

                I noticed, again, that I had my good times to write and not good times. What I developed was that during the day I did research and usually had quality time after supper and get a good three hour work period into the writing.

                Yet, there are some days that I get nothing done on either research or writing.

                I came across this Proverb in my daily Divine Office: Whoever pursues righteousness and kindness will find life and honor. (Prov. 21:21) 

May 23, 2004

                I celebrated my 34th Anniversary of Ordination with Mass in my room on my desk-daily routine. Nothing else happened for such a day in my daily routine. Oh! I received my monthly “insult” from the diocese in the mail. I check each statement because they take deductions without any explanations. It keeps getting smaller. Whatever the media reports about priest on Leave of Absence with Rome is stating the obligation of dioceses towards their priest. 

May 27, 2004

                I had a classmate from college call me saying that I should call the Worcester Chancery and say that I want a settlement. I had to remind him that I was told in ’98 by Fr. Gamache that the Church was not doing say settlements or anything with priest. The institutional Church was doing anything for anyone but the institution. 

May 28, 2004

                In the weekly “The Word from Rome” by John L. Allen, Jr., he writes: “An update about the long awaited document of homosexuality to Catholic seminaries, being prepared under the aegis of the Congregation for Catholic Education.

                In various drafts, the idea of a document on this subject has been around for years. In April 2003, however, a special closed-door Vatican summit on pedophilia seemed to arrest its momentum. During that session, scientific experts on sexual abuse told Vatican officials that homosexuality does not ‘cause abuse. They said it is a risk factor associated with clerical sexual abuse, but so are many other things-such as being ordained less than five years.

                “Source told NCR at the time that this statement impressed a number of senior Vatican officials. One Latin American cardinal said at the time, ‘It’s clear to me that a man’s bio-genetic makeup shouldn’t be our interest so much as his behavior.’

                “In fact, however, the document is far from dead. ‘The Holy Father wants it, so thee will have to be a document,’ as senior Vatican official told NCR in late May. This official offered no prediction, however, as to where the document might appear.

                “As to content, the official said the document would to some extent repeat the norms contained in a 1961 instruction of the Congregation for religious, titled Religiosorum institution, which stated: ‘Those affected by the perverse inclination to homosexuality or pederasty should be excluded from religious vows and ordination.’

                “One key is what exactly the ‘homosexuality’ means. At one pole, a simple same-sex attraction experienced years ago and never acted upon might make someone’s ‘homosexual.’ The other pole might restrict the definition of ‘homosexuality’ to active and on-going sexual behavior. Most people would probably reject the former as overly strict, and the latter as overly loose. The vision, the, is where to fall in between.

                “The senior Vatican official told NCR the document would likely not settle this question.

                “ ‘It’s not reasonable to expect the Holy See to get into those details,’ the official said. ‘That’s something that almost has to be determined one case-by-case basis.’

                “It seems therefore probable that bishops will retain some flexibility in deciding how to apply whatever standards are set out in the document. Dioceses that have a strict policy against the admission of homosexuals will continue, but those who emphasize a candidate’s capacity for celibacy, rather than sexual orientation in se, could argue that such a candidate is not ‘homosexual’ in the sense intended under the norms.

                “It’s possible; therefore, that the thunderclap the document will cause in the press will not be matched by changed realities on the ground.”71

                I heard about this document coming out of Rome on gays in the seminary. I realized that Attorney Carey and Doctor Zeman, indirectly telling to “Get out.” They were not Catholic but were privy to information and observations that I was not picking-up with the different issues thrown at me.

                This whole issue of homosexuality in the seminary was addressed by an archbishop in Rome that each priest allegated would have his situation review “case-by –case.” My immediate thought was: Your Excellency! My bishop told me I was guilt till proven innocent-already.

                Now, we get back to the daily check of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette for “The Clergy Search.”

                Kathleen A. Shaw writes “Activists want to see bishop.” She states: “Worcester-Two area advocates for victims of clergy sexual abuse yesterday unsuccessfully attempted to meet with Bishop Robert J. McManus to discuss a new program called ‘restorative justice’ that they believe might help the healing of both victims and abusers.

                “Mary T. Jean of Leominster, director of the Worcester Voice and Daniel Dick of Worcester, victims advocate for Voice of the Faithful, went to the chancery to meet with the bishop but were told no meeting was scheduled. Mrs. Jean said they were told by the Rev. Rocco Piccolomini, the bishop’s secretary, that Bishop McManus was ‘not available to us.’

                “Mrs. Jean said she called Rev. Piccolomini earlier this week and told him they would arrive at the Elm Street chancery at 11 a.m. yesterday. She announced her intention to drop in, even thought she received o response from the bishop to her letter asking for a meeting.

                “Bishop McManus said recently he will meet with various groups that want to see him once he settles in and gets to know the diocese.

                “Raymond L. Delisle, spokesman for the Diocese of Worcester, said the bishop has been unable to meet with them, although he intends to in the future, because his schedule is full. As newly installed bishop, he has board meetings, Confirmation ceremonies through next month, meeting with representatives of the various diocesan departments and ministries, and graduation ceremonies…”72

                It is interesting how Jean and some think things operate. We, priest, even know there are channels that are followed with in the Church-bishop etc.

                I was reflecting the today on my trip to Europe in the 70s for three weeks. The trip was one “hazy” experience. I go back and re-read my notes that I made on the trip and try to picture it. It is not a pleasant, clear reflection.  

June 1, 2004

                I have had, a number of nights when I was unable to sleep, the radio on to Joey Reynolds' Radio Show on WROR-AM from New York City. He had his program on weeknights from 1:00-5:00 a.m. He had one segment by saying that he is an alcoholic and been sober for 26 years. He spoke at length of his issue with alcohol and how he depth with his self-esteem, ambitions and relationships. He is an interesting guy to listen concerning this topic. He does have a message to give.  

June 6, 2004

                I realized that I was writing four stories: My own, Harrington’s, Rueger’s, the hierarchical system-authority structure.

                I had refined my thinking and mentioned this to Dr. Zeman in my last appointment: 1. Abby Weber was rock throwing but did not show-up for her deposition which would have been under oath.2. Closure- Attorney Goulka with Attorney Carey-consultation 3. How about me having witnesses to speak on my behalf-Alice Gusha in PA. 4. Kevin Moylan-No show for appointed deposition on part of Weber. 5. McCormick-visit with daughter at St. Edward’s Rectory 6. Rueger-Scheduled for next day deposition cancelled 7. Bishop Harrington’s deposition to follow-cancelled 8. Coffee with McLains': “Your case is too hot.” 9. I had no money so I had to take a loan of $22,000 from diocese. 10. Attorney Carey has no copy of my deposition on record.

                Therefore, after I have had a final brief discussion with my civil later and attempting to understand what happened from a civil-legal dimension, this is what I think happened: Abbey Webber, Kevin Moylan were scheduled for depositions. According to Carey, they never showed-up. Carey meets with Attorney Goulka for “closure.” I never was asked for a list of witnesses to speak on my behalf and have they deposed-no money issue. Alice Gusha, who was married and living in PA sent me a note and wanted to testify on my behalf about Weber and McCormick. I never was able to give any other information about Weber and McCormick then did I know them or did I ever abuse them. I answered emphatically “No!” I was told that by Carey that Rueger was to be deposed the next day with Bishop Harrington to follow. These were cancelled. I never did find out who cancelled them. Yet, there was some type of talk in Worcester that my “case was too hot.”  I had no money in that I had at take a loan for $22,000 from the diocese. When I asked for copies of depositions from my lawyer, I received the answer that he only had 3 and did not have a copy of my deposition-never ordered one. Therefore, my case was hatched, matched and dispatched. It was all handled; it seems, with Attorney’s Goulka for the Worcester Diocese and Carey, representing me. I recall Carey saying: Your case is all settled. What was settled, I asked? No comment on Carey’s part. I know now that it was over with in the civil matter to feed the Worcester Gang in ecclesial matters.

                There definitely was the issue with me that I was not asking the right questions. It’s as though when I write this now, it is water over the dam syndrome.

                Dr. Zeman said to me that I had a hard pill to swallow with all of this. Justice? 

June 7, 2004

                I was thinking of late how I had to write another work of fiction on my life as a Vatican  priest coming to living in a rectory-St. George’s- with Monsignor Manning and the Father Rueger-not a bishop at that time. I would entitle my work: Rectory Life.  The dinner bell would be a whole chapter. 

June 10, 2004

                I was able to get my appointments with Dr. Zeman to be every four months. I would save myself $20 per trip to Hartford.

                This meeting with Dr. Zeman had me talk about the issue that the two girls claimed they were 12 years old. I wasn’t in New England when these girls were that age. Another issue was their claim of being part of the youth group was that to be a member of the parish youth group one had to be in high school.  Dr. Zeman had his eyes directed down on the floor sayings: “It is very significant.” 

June 13, 2004

                This day we get from the Worcester Telegram & Gazette “New priests determined to help: Graduates of seminary approach crisis in church with faith” by Helena Payne of The Associated Press.

                She writes: “Boston-the latest crop of ordained priests will serve in a Roman Catholic church still reeling from a widespread clergy sex-abuse scandal and burdened by financial obligations. But this group is determining to help the church move beyond the crisis.

                “‘I was disappointed in the priest that tragically failed the people and I was disappointed somewhat in the leadership that was shown, but I never lost my faith in God and I have to wavered in my faith in the church,’ said Rev. George Hines, who attended St. John’s Seminary in Boston and was recently ordained with the six other priest assigned to the Boston Archdiocese.

                “Those just joining the priesthood face a church struggling with dwindling enrollments and shrinking contributions. The Boston Archdiocese is in the process of closing 65 parishes, which Archbishop Sean P. O’Malley has said is necessary because of declining Mass attendance, aging buildings and a shortage of priests.

                “That’ al against the backdrop of the clergy sex-abuse scandal that erupted in January 2002 with the release of court documents in the case of the Rev. John J. Geoghan, who was moved from parish to parish despite evidence he had molested children….”73

                This article showed a picture of a recently ordained priest moving out of St. John’s Seminary in Boston. What I not vied was this newly ordained priest had a full-collar with sweater where the party-policy must be that you always wear the Roman Collar for everything I life. One must realize the difference of my ordination in 1970 and culture of the day in the Catholic Church-having all the answers to questions not even asked approach. The Catholic Catechism is the shield to put in front of oneself when you leave “The Green Zone-Rectory.” The Green Zone is heard because of the Iraq War-II of area in Baghdad where the U.S. troops and civil workers live. 

June 14, 2004

                The People’s Forum, this day has “Readers offer comments on bishops’ pronouncements, gay marriage.” There were four letters printed. But the one that caught my eye was the one from Peter A. Lewandowski of Worcester.

                He wrote: “It's good to see that our new bishop didn’t waste any time and got right to work. His first order of business was to affirm church teachings regarding homosexuality and to point at the misrepresentations made by City Clark David J. Rushford. Perhaps now is the time to deal with the gay activities clergy in our diocese who distort church teaching and openly promote the gay lifestyle and agenda. A good place to start would be with the list of clergy who signed the letter asking the public to defend gay right (Telegram & Gazette, May 14).”74

                If I correct, this is the brother of Father Richard Lewandowski of Fitchburg. There is more of a story here for a reporter to follow-up with a story. I believe Peter is the younger brother of Father “Rich.”

                The atmosphere of the day was an anti-clerical prejudices that were deep and under impact of secularization. There was a widespread indifference to institutional religion. 

June 15, 2004

                A classmate of mine told me that he had a cousin who was a teacher in the Boston Archdiocesan Catholic School who told him: Your age group was hit hard (allegations). Before, they (Boston Archdiocese) used to send priest to the Cape on 6A treatment center for rehabilitation. This was a very interesting comment from a layman in the Boston area. 

June 18, 2004

                The National Catholic Reporter prints a review of Priests: A Calling in Crisis by Andrew M. Greeley. This book is reviewed by Paul Philibert (Visiting professor at the Aquinas Institute of Theology in St. Louis.). The article is entitled “Debunking stereotypes about priestly life.”

                Philibert writes: “American Catholics appears to be no better at taking prophets seriously than were the Israelites of the sixth century B.C. The Bible’s prophets complained that their divinely inspired warning fell upon dead ears. While the religious research of contemporary sociologists is not divinely inspirited, it may fly into the category of ‘signs of the times.” In any case, despite the encouragement of Gaudium et Spes to take empirical research seriously, research findings generally fail to move bishops and church administrators into action.

                “In 1985 Dean Hoge accurately predicted that within 15 years the younger clergy would embrace a dominantly institution-centered ecclesiology while the growing corps of lay ministers would be more collaborative and innovative. By the late 1980s, Richard Schoenberg had clearly identified the steady increase in the Catholic population and the roughly 40 percent declines in priests between 1966 and 2005. In 1990, David Hygren and Miriam Ukeritis, in their comprehensive study of American religious, warned that there existed a 10-yer window of opportunity for institutional transformation before religious orders and congregations risked paralysis and death unless they clarified their contribution to the life of the church. All three of these predictions which, which initially met with widespread denial, have been realized almost exactly as predicted.

                Andrew Greeley’s Priests: a Calling in Crisis is about the impact of the clerical sexual abuse crisis of 2002 and ‘how it fits the stereotype that emerged at the time.’ It is the prophetic outcry of a public intellectual who want to weigh in on the significance of the scandal with empirically based interpretations of its impact for the future. He begins by debunking experts frequently cited by the national press for their interpretations of the sexual abuse scandals. With respects to claims that priests are less sexually mature than the general population (Eugene Kennedy), that the sexual revolution has dramatically changed the condition of celibacy for priests and that only about 2 percent of priests are ‘successfully celibate’ (Richard Sipe), or that the Jesuits in the United States are in serious and possibly terminal cries (Peter McDonough and Eugene C. Bianchi), Greeley explains the methodological insufficiency of each of them: ‘the rules of the games say that you don’t make estimates unless you have representative samples.’…

                “After all his efforts to brainstorm possible solutions, the author concludes with words that sound much like analogy. They are, I think, a good way for me to conclude as well: ‘In the short run I anticipate a reaction to 2002 like that to the birth-control encyclical-a decline in church attendance and a decline in financial contributions but no mass exodus form Catholicism. (I don’t think so. This priest issue doesn’t affect parishioners in the “me-myself-and I” syndrome.) Catholics, even every angry Catholics still like being Catholic...’ (The Gas Station Model becomes a Super Gas Station-don’t have to even leave your car.)

                “That quintessentially Greeleyesque remarks is a reminder of why it’s worth listening to what he has to say. “75

                When I was reading this book and how critical Greeley was of other writers not have substantial data in making insights, I immediately had the thought how Monsignor Sullivan-Chancellor of the Worcester Diocese-made the remark that 99% of allegations are true. You have to know Sullivan and his style of ministry and thinking how figures don’t le but figures do. Sullivan was shooting from the hip in his remark. But, I guess he would have justified his insight because Bishop Rueger was the only one in the Worcester Diocese that was proven to be “immaculate.”

In addition was part of that Worcester Chancery Gang that operated in the management by confusion arena. Then they seem to state: “Case closed.”

                The culture is so egocentrically that the American Catholic seen is no different: Every man (person) for himself and watch where the money is that significant “status.”

June 18, 2004-this day- has the Catholic Free Press, page one story: “Sex abuse policy audit approved: Bishops also ask for study.”

The Catholic News Service reports: “Denver (CNS)-The U.S. bishops have approved on-site audit this year of all U.S. dioceses and Eastern-rite eparchies to monitor compliance with child sex abuse prevention policies.

“The vote was 207-14 in favor with one abstention, according to a news release issued Tuesday in Denver by the communications department of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops.

“The approval came after controversy as to whether some bishops wanted to postpone the 2004 audits

“The vote was taken during the bishops’ June 14-19 closed-door spring meeting, held this year in the Denver suburb of Englewood.

“The hierarchy also directed its all-lay National Review Board to prepare, in conjunction with the bishops’ Ad Hoc Committee on Sexual Abuse, proposals for a study on the causes and context of the clergy sex abuse crisis. The study is called for by the bishops’ policies contained in the 2002 ‘Charter for the Protection of Children and Young People,’ but the financing has to be approved by the bishops…”76 

June 19, 2004

                I had to hear from “Father Peacock” comment of the annual Presbyter Meeting at Cape Cod. He said he was told it was a waste of time. He didn’t attend because he did not want to waste parish money of $500 for the conference. He said the presentation was by the laity. Here is a classic act of “resurging clericalism.”

                This priest angles everything. One has to listen carefully to see how deceiving he is. This priest is a classic “sociopath.” The best thing to do for me is to get my distance from him-avoidance. 

June 23, 2004

                I was feeling the “isolation” issue the last few days. So, when I received my monthly from the diocese, there was another deduction “FP” for an addition $15. No notice, nothing but the deduction.

                I figured after some reflection that “FP” stood for “Fall Plan-Health”  

June 26, 2004

                I realized that I addressed the issue of my loneliness for some time now.  I moved myself beyond waiting for anyone to “call me” or anything for that matter. I proceeded cautiously; I did my 3 mile daily walk thinking about the different home I waked past in how they celebrated family and group gatherings. I realized each house was foddering and not my situation. I had to do my situating as only my situation and not another one. I had a thought at times as a pretext that the Worcester Chancery Gang was out to get me even now. In my walk, I would think of the weekend Masses at the parish where I was never such because I worried what if the “Gone Squad” would send some out to get me because “Ted must be drinking.” In addition when I would walk on Saturday afternoons, I felt the void of not being with my people at St. Edward’s celebrating the Eucharist (Mass).  A similar feeling prevailed on Sunday mornings.

                I realize it has been over 10 years since I was removed from my ministry. I mention this because it was in my blood as my vocation of being a priest. Oh! I was told by a number of people that I had to put “closure” and “move on.” I have done that in many ways. But, the Mass and the parish were in my total make-up as being a person that was ordained. It had nothing to do with status. It was me. I kept my daily Mass and Divine Office obligation in tact. In addition, I was doing my 50 minute Nordic Tracks, then 3 mile walk with a 30 minute floor- roller routine.  

June 28, 2004

                American magazine (Jesuit publication) prints “rights of Accused Priest: toward a revision of the Dallas charter and the ‘Essential Norms’ by (Cardinal) Avery Dulles, S.J. This was a lecture he gave to the Thomas More Society in Fort Lauderdale, Fla., on May 27, 2004.

                Somewhat after a few comments he states: “Although the charter was modified as a result of consultation with Vatican officials, the revised norms are still subject to criticism. Croups of priest still protest that they are not accorded the base requirements of dues process. (Where are these priests?) Continued discussion may be helpful because the Holy See granted recognition to the ‘Essential Norms’ only for a period of two years form their promulgation (Dec. 12,2002). If the norms are extended, they will probably be first revised. With regards to the rights of accused priests, the following 15 principles would seem to be pertinent for any re-evaluation of the “Essential Norms.’ “77

                He lists these 15 principles with an explanation. The principles: Presumption of Innocence, Definitions of Sexual Abuse, Proportionality, Retroactivity, Statue of Limitations (Persecution),Oversight and Therapy, Confidentiality, Settlements, Remuneration of Accused Priests, Access to trail, Virtual Laicization, Laicization, Prospect of Reinstatement, Offenses Beyond the Scope of the Essential Norms, Universal Legislation and Equitable Treatment.

                The National Review Board obviously learned to paint by the numbers since my situation in 1993. I keep thinking how Msgr. Pedone as Canon Lawyer for the Diocese of Worcester had never advised my bishop of anything as these principles suggest or inform the hierarchy-never mind the public or media.

                Let’s not forget-some may be very tired of hearing- that Bishop Harrington kept telling me that I was “guilty till proven innocent- we’ll contact you.” (I was thrown into isolation.)

                In addition, I was told by another priest that my case was considered under Bishop Harrington. But, I have to remind him and others that I was forced to resign under Bishop Reilly. So, why am I not treated with what those that Reilly forced-out? Is there an issue of “punishment “in addition to being removed from the ministry? Yet, if I don’t remain “silent,” will I lose the little benefits and salary I have been given? The questions keep coming?

                I realized that what the Worcester Chancery did to me was that they had no procedure in place for anything but a “mad-man” bishop proclaiming: “Ted! You’re guilty till proven innocent.” Then, I was shunned and kept in isolation. As time went on, the hierarchy “painted-by-the- numbers” in handling priest cases. So, when Avery Dulles gave his talk in Florida on May 27th, it made no difference for me. There was the phrase used for the hierarchy that was the end for me: Each case is judged differently. What chance did I have with a Bishop Harrington, who would do anything to cover-up for himself and his Chancery Staff and God knows civil officials because he was “The Bishop.” 

June 29, 2004

                Kathleen A. Shaw reports “Priest, bishops are named in lawsuit” of the publication of this days Worcester Telegram & Gazette.

                She states: “Worcester-Daniel W. Cronin, now a resident of Los Angeles, filed suit in Worcester Superior Court alleging he was sexually abused by the Rev. Brendan E. O’Donoghue when he was an 8-yer old altar boy at St. Peter Church.

                “The suit, which was filed May 13, also names the late Cardinal John J. Wright, first Worcester bishop, and the estate of the late Bishop Bernard J. Flanagan for failing to properly supervise Rev. O’Donoghue.

                “Auxiliary Bishop George E. Rueger is also named in the suit, but only in his capacity as executor of Bishop Flanagan’s estate, there are no allegations of wrong doing on his part.

                “James Gavin Reardon Jr., lawyer for the Catholic Diocese of Worcester, said yesterday the diocese has not been served and he ahs not seen the suit. Should the diocese get notice of the suit, an appropriate response will be made.

                “Mr. Reardon said that based on the naming of Cardinal Wright and Bishop Flanagan, it looks like the allegations are ‘historic’ and go back many years.

                “Mr. Cronin, represented by lawyer John J. St Andre of Framingham, said in court documents he was molested at the altar of St. Peter Church in Worcester, and at the home of Rev. O’Donoghue’s mother in Worcester.

                “Mr. Cronin says in the suit that he has trusted Rev. O’Donoghue ‘as a priest and friend.’

                “The suit says as a result of this molestation he ahs suffered emotionally for more than 40 years and has depression, difficulties with trust and intimacy, difficulty in developing relationships with women, and difficulty with substance abuse and religion…”78

                Anytime I read O’Donoghue names, I wonder what this guy “had” on the whole Worcester Chancery Gang from the 60s until this time-2004? He was the priest-if one recalls- “bumped” me out of St. Matthews Parish, Southboro as pastor instead of St. Edwards, Westminster. He “retires” and allowed to live at the Southgate-Priest Retirement location which is very “plushy” living.

                O”Donoghue is one of those priests-if you track his record of allegations- was moved because of “pastoral issues.” He had many, many assignments in the Worcester Diocese. As I wonder: What did he have on Harrington and the Chancery Gang that they didn’t want him to “sing like a bird”?

                But Harrington and Rueger with Pedone make me “The Poster Boy.”

                The fact has been realized with all of this- there is nothing I can do but write this work. Somewhere, there will be a priest that we will hear about that will challenge the allegations from the hierarchical perspective and canon law. This priest will have to know the right canon lawyers and have money.  

June 30, 2004

                I heard on the radio a report that had me get a weak feeling that I had to sit down. The report had Archbishop O’Malley criticizing Rome on how slow they were processing cases to dismiss priest that were allegated.

                Then I thought how when I had Fr. Henry Bowen as my Canon Lawyer-whom I fired by not representing me-saying: “Your case is more serious than Fr. Ron Provost (Allegated classmate).” I had no idea about anything concerning my situation from Bowen and he was to be my advocate. He was not doing any such thing. He was history on the advice of my civil attorney, doctor and my gut feeling.

                I made a serious error in getting Bowen to be my Canon Lawyer after Fr. Lynch died. I should have see “red flags” in that Bowen was from the Worcester Diocese. He had been with Bishop Harrington for years, pastor and had obviously his priesthood to be concerned about especially a retirement. I go back to the meeting that I had with Carey and Bowen in Carey’s Office in Boston. Carey was telling me when we were leaving that Bowen was not defending me. Carey picked this up in our only meeting with us three parties. I did not notice it. I guess I was hoping that this nightmare would finally be over with. I was very wrong with Bowen. It didn’t take long for me to “fire” Bowen. What a situation in that Bowen’s brother-John-was a member of St. Edward’s Parish in Westminster. Father Bowen, an elder-statesman-priest in the Worcester Diocese and not really defending me with canonical matters.  

July 2, 2004

                I had in my hand a copy of my diocesan newspaper from my mail box. I was squarely looking at it and carried that feeling through the day. My mind was racing. I wan not sure what was going to happen next. My mind was racing with many thoughts of what do I do if the diocese announces to me that I was being removed as a priest. What was I to do? I have noting in work related market. I sacrificed my entire life and I worked 25 hours a day in ministry.  Having to face holiday weekends as July 4th and “family gathering” with no place to go was difficult. One thing of late was that “loneliness” was not a factor of late. It seemed that my research and writing had supplemented any thought of “loneliness.” I made my writing a project that was very time consuming.

                The front page of the Catholic Free Press prints “Vatican steps up abuse cases.” One had to understand that I hear nothing. So, it this title directed at me or is to satisfy the media and certain elements of the public and church hierarchy.

                This story reads: “Vatican Thavis (CNS)-Two U.S. canon lawyers are expected to arrive this fall for work at the Vatican’s doctrinal congregation, part of an effort to speed up processing of sex abuse cases, church officials said in early July.

                “The move responds to concern by both U.S. bishops and Vatican officials that more manpower is needed to break through the logjam of abuse cases at the Vatican.

                Since new norms went into effect last year, hundreds of cases have arrived at the doctrinal congregation, which has oversight responsibility for all priestly sex abuse cases involving minors/ the congregation has added some staff, but the workload has been described by some as overwhelming.

                “The resolution is that it may take months to remove even an acknowledged abuser from the priesthood, and longer if an extensive investigation or church trail is involved…”79

                Does anyone wonder that if this issue has Rome “overwhelmed” to deal with that there is something below the surface than an “allegation”?

                Then one may turn this same issue on page 3 of sex abuse with “Overcoming animosities is the aim of national review board chairwoman” written by Agosino Bono of the Catholic News Spirit.

                The article states: “Washington (CNS)-The outgoing interim chairwoman of the bishops’ National Review Bard said that she expects more collaboration between the lay board and the bishops now that the board has demonstrated its independence.

                “Another aid to cooperation is that the board has shown the high quality of its work in helping the bishop implement policies to prevent clergy sex abuse of minors, said Justice Anne M. Burke.

                “Increased collaboration should overcome antagonisms wit some bishop, she said.

                “‘The animosities shouldn’t have happened. We are trying to overcome that now,’ she said…

                “Because the board was appointed by the president of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops,’ we worked hard at autonomy’ from the hierarch to establish credibility, she said.

                “Initially, the board needs a wall between it and the hierarchy ‘to avoid the view that we are a rubber stamp for the bishops,’ said Burk.

                “‘This put us in an adversary position with some bishops,’ she said without mentioning names.

                “‘The bishops gave up control of some aspects of this (sex abuse) crisis to us. Some bishops didn’t seem to realize this,’ she said.

                “ ‘The board will remain independent be more collaborative,’ she said…”

                I know hearing from a few priests that the issue lay people and yet women as chairperson were hot issues with very negative comments. These few guys I heard were even saying what Rome was very unhappy with this set-up-as they had a hot-line to Rome. There was another trip-up concept-collaboration. These same priests would never have it or even want to hear this approach to ministry. 

July 3, 2004

                One bit of personal business I was reflecting upon was the gossip circle that existed between priests. It was not different than other most other groups. But, this was an area that I was very uncomfortable with in that it seemed it was talk of who had what on whom. Church people seemed to want to know everyone else’s business. It was a very prevalent atmosphere-gossip wagging. Stories were resurrected from day one in the priesthood by other “brother” priest. The example here was that the word was out that Bishop McManus was an Opus Dei member when he celebrated a special Mass at St. Paul’s Cathedral in Worcester. 

July 9, 2004

                I sat and addressed what was going through with emotions of anger and fear of a roller-coaster dimension. Lately, I was reading that the Doctrine of Faith in Rome with Cardinal Ratzinger would be processing with American Canonist the sex abuse cases. I have heard nothing of my situation. I waited with a regular schedule that had me programmed to go to two meetings of AA a week and attend Dr. Zeman on a quarterly bases. I did find daily and weekly projects for people I knew to earn a few extra dollars. I did “handy-man” jobs that was more surprising in how much one is able to find to do.

                Was it possible that my case is what I was doing presently-living in my cave and finding “handy-man jobs.” The only other issue was that annually I would receive a card-note from the bishop of ordination "congratulations."

                I realized that it was a lost issue with my priesthood being anything but what I was experiencing. I learned that the Church system took anything I said as a “lie.” I never expected plenty of omissions, exasperations, unjustified options, lost documents, unclear explanations, gray areas and tactical ignorance.

 The Church system with the present American Hierarchy just chewing-up any hope I had of being able to standup for justice in my case. What I notice in the new appointments of bishops was that they were “company men” that personified the “hatchet” approach.  

July 11, 2004

                I wrote a list of reflections in a barnstorming style of my feelings at this present time-half empty glass. The list: Sense of inferiority, drive to excellence, I was sabotaged, fear of death with shivers, shocked and trilled, secretly writing my book, full-scale war was going on, in my head, never driven and yet was ruined by others, things tasted wonderful, sweet and airy, combined religion and energy, things happen now in a moment, reality did the trick, the strange barrier of hoping g that instantly this would go away., invisible chains would fall away, old feeling of inferiority and discomfort, proceed with caution, time is moving, moving is time, deep seated insecurity, old feeling s of self-doubt, charm and wit, help eventually will turn-up and mean dependency.

                I felt as though I was operating in the shadow of my life. I gave my life and now a persecuted nature overcomes me with fear and distrust. I remained loyal, tire to the Church teachings. I never spoke or wrote about theocracy. I have even thought of late that I would need a public defender.

                What brought all of this about? It was all the other cases that I read and heard about had my attention. I felt I was living in the shell game trying to find the pea. I only wanted some sense of Christian justice. I was in a seem-retirement with no adjustments in 11 years. It was a time of “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.” Makes you wonder? 

July 15, 2004

                I was crunching the numbers of late of my $3,000 “stolen items” list: Full replacement values-same items with no depreciation. Cash award would be what this list was worth? Question of 5 or 6 % a year accumulation because I was deprived of use of my poverty that was rightly mine. Compounded $3,000 X 5%= $150. Then multiply by 5% consubstantially X 1.05= Whole new amount. Compounded original X .5 is whole new amount. Add interest with total and then add interest. Take the balance and add in lasts years’ interest. Effecting interest (APR) after 10 years. Actually interest is being compounded. Quit a summary of what I was told by Bishop Reilly that it was no problem and he would look into it. I never heard about it again. 

July 16, 2004

                We have the National Catholic Reporter gives us “Investigation clears bishop of sex abuse charges” by Ed Griffin-Nolan.

                Griffin-Nolan writes: “An investigation into allegations of homosexual conduct and sexual abuse by Albany Bishop Howard Hubbard has found no evidence to support charges of homosexual activity and sexual abuse three decades ago. The investigation conducted by a teamed by former U.S. Attorney Mary Jo White, included a polygraph test which the bishop passed, and more than 300 interviews over the course of four months. the polygraph test indicate that Hubbard was being truthful when he insisted that he had honored his vow of celibacy and had never had sex ‘of any kind’ with another person.

                “The extraordinary report was delivered June 24 to the Sexual Misconduct Review Board of the diocese, which hired White in February after Andrew Albany of California claimed that his brother, Thomas had had an ongoing sexual relationship with the bishop. Thomas Zalay died in 1968 in a house fire, which fire officials believe he intentionally set. Hubbard denied the affair, saying he had no memory of ever meeting Zaly.

                “Zalay’ accusations were fooled tow day later by charges from Anthony Romney, a 40 year-old former prostitute from Schenectady, that Hubbard had paid him for sex in an Albany park when Bonneau was a teen. Investigators found no credible evidence to support Bonneau’s claim, and suggested that an unnamed gay priest who was know to refer to himself as ‘the bishop’ might have been Bonneau’s racial client.

                “A third accusation, that Hubbard was part of a clique of gay priests in Albany and had sexual relationships with four other priests, was also shot down. All four priests and the bishop were give lie detector test by the former chief polygraph expert at the FBI and their denials were deemed truthful. As charges multiplied, the investigation morphed and let to the bizarre scene of two bishops. Hubbard and Matthew Clark of Rochester, each being hooked up to polygraph machines and being asked, among other things, if they had ever had sex with each other.

                “The investigators fund that the source of the anonymous letter charging that Hubbard led a secret double life was Fr. John Minkler, a military chaplain at the VA hospital in Albany who had long sought damage Hubbard’s reputation…”91

                I used to hear stories about Hubbard and Clark in clergy meeting in the Worcester Dioceses and wondered about the priest telling the stories. I wondered if this was one of those “techniques” to keep the spotlight somewhere else than themselves. 

July 17, 2004

                I notice that in my writing that the controversy about the priest abuse issue had surrounded me, as often the case with Church politics seemed to be more intensely followed. I wrote form a fairly narrow bond of ecclesial and political insight. I lived in a created atmosphere that was a vacuum from people. The Church that I lived in the 60s and 70s was a time of hope. Now, it was a time of re-trenching back into the castle: 1. Bureaucracy vs. real sense of community 2. Disconnection between faith and living life 3. Catholic liturgy rejected exaggeration in ritualism 4. Excessive preoccupation with economic diversions 5. Translation concession of the mission 6.lack of an overall coordinated pastoral mission. It was the: “Super Gas Station Model with a drive-through” and not a faith community. 

July 18, 2004

                I recall thinking about that last time I spoke with John Bish when he said to me: “the diocese is taking good care of you.” It sounded like Rueger or Reilly taking to him in one of Bish’s-get information with the big ones-approach. I would like the opportunity to tell Rueger or Reilly: I would like to take good care of you like you did for me.

                I came across a Dilbert cartoon by Scott Adams:  “I want you (Dilbert) to negotiate the sale of our voice activated hassock huskiness. You’re not allowed to be open, but expect plenty of omissions, misdirection’s, exaggerations, unjustified optimism, lost documents, unclear expiations, gray areas and tactical ignorance. Oh, and say that we have other offers.

                It was such a scenario that I was experiencing with the hierarchy and their operative with my case to save themselves-Worcester’s Poster Boy.  

July 20, 2004

                “Bishop want seminaries to screen gays” by The Associated Press appeared this day in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette.

                The report states: “Boston-A former Boston priest says the church must improve its screening process for accepting seminarians to keep homosexuals from being ordained into the priesthood.

                “ ‘We must be very careful of who we accept in the seminary and who we ordain as priest,’ Bishop John M D’Arcy, now of the Fort Wayne-South Bend Diocese in Indiana, said Sunday. ‘It’s time to ordain men of quality, not to just look for numbers.’

                “D’Arcy, who was in Boston to attend Mass at Our Lady of the Presentation Church, the Brighton neighborhood parish when he grew up, said he hopes the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops will discuss screening policies for the seminary when it meet this fall, and will take, and will take a firm stance against homosexual men serving as priests.

                “The Rev. Christopher J.  Coyne, spokesman for the Boston Archdiocese, said that although there has been some discussion among member of the archdiocese and the Vatican about the possibility of banning homosexuals from the priesthood, no decisions have been made.

                “ ‘The main issue is celibacy,’ Coyne said, adding that D’Arcy concerns about gay priests are not necessarily shared by others.

                “Coye said that only 20 percent of the applicants for priesthood in the Archdiocese of Boston are accepted by the church.

                “ ‘I don’t see the need here in Boston,’ he said of a possible overhaul of the screening process. ‘I can say the process in Boston is a good one.’…”82

                When I read or her as such I wonder if the “system” is-days of old- pulling the wool over our eyes or having things being “whiter than snow.” Let’s be real. This “system” has show itself to be the only place in the world where anything said by anyone against you-you’re gone.  

July 21, 2004

                I obtained a copy of the The Changing Face of the Priesthood by Fr. Donald Cozzens. I went on the Internet to find reviews and other comments about this work.

                One of the first articles I read was in the Tablet (international English Catholic publication) carried “This strange culture: by Paul Wilkes. “Cases of clerical sexual abuse are one indication that the Catholic Church need to examine closely the clerical culture of today. A process of pastoral theology in the United States has done just that in a new book. The distinguished visiting professor at the University of North Carolina at Wilmington in the United States applauds it.

                Wilkes writes: “When a book published in America with the apparently innocuous title The Changing Face of the Priesthood because the subject of long articles in two major secular publications-the Cleveland Plain Dealer and the Boston Globe-something is obviously up. The book is written by a seminary rector, Fr. Donald Cozzens of St. Mary’s in Cleveland, with impeccable credentials-a parish priest, professor of pastoral theology, vicar for priest. His slender 148-page volume, published by Liturgical Press, face squarely the hard questions about the quantity, quality and sexual orientation of American priests and seminarians. The book has also struck a chord with lay Catholics.

                “Fro Fr. Cozzens’ Cride Coeur is a reasoned, calmly-written yet impassioned pleas that the Church and the priesthood he so loves should face up to realities. The clerical culture now endemic in Vatican and too many chancery circles is damaging to those few who are now coming forward to serve, the many who would do so under more reasonable circumstances, and the millions who look to the Church as a source of guidance, inspiration and Christ-like example.

                “Fr. Cozzen’s book is not the first warning that all is far from well among our priest. In 1987, Fr. Richard McBride, the theologian and writer from Notre Dame University in Indiana, asked a series of questions in the journal Commonweal which sent a shock-wave through the Church. He asked if the Church was avoiding what seemed mounting evidence that not only were men of lesser abilities entering seminaries, but that a growing percentage of priests and bishops were of homosexual persuasion and that this preponderance of gay clerics was beginning to have a damaging, disorienting effect.

“In 1989, Fr. Andrew Greeley, the novelist and social scientist, wrote about ‘lavender rectories’ in an article in the American weekly the National Catholic Reporter of Kansa City which outraged some and made others nod in agreement. The priesthood was becoming more and more gay, Greeley maintained, and was no longer representative of the Church at large. The general quality of priests, seminarians and members of the hierarchy was also called into question.

“When Fr. Cozzens broke fresh ground in this new book is that he goes beyond the immediate issues of the quality, quantity and sexual orientation of seminarians and priest to the question which he believes to be at the heart of the matter: what is it in the church culture that encourages such men to become priest and discourages so many other? Is there a basis’s for increasingly disaffect laity? And what gives the book and immediacy and unique status is the Cozzens is the ultimate insider…”83 

July 23, 2004

                I felt “blackmailed” by the two girls that allegated me with the diocese. The Worcester Diocese mustered and dazzled, shifted assortment of “Reasons” for getting me. At one time or another, they added their own story to make me that “Worcester Poster Boy” especially when the Harrington drunk-driving accident and teen driving victim was when they threw everything at me to make me “guilty till proven innocent.”

                What I was especially living under was the beginning of hierarchy being called forward on sex abuse crisis. I tried to have anyone listen to me of what it was like living in the seminary and ministry ordained form the 60s with a very predominant gay culture and work atmosphere. So many priests walked-out. There were all types of reasons given as celibacy, Second Vatican Council liberalism etc. It was predominantly a homosexual world that was not normal. God, I did try to make it work for me to be the best with the talents and gifts that I had. Yet, “The System” made me their Poster Boy.

                I recall that Rueger, in one of those famous “hot house interrogations” saying that I immature. I was doing things to go with a new spirit of a Church system of Vatican II by “opening the windows (fresh air: but not on the altar saying Mass.  One example was me getting a motorcycle (trail bike) to ride with some of the guys that I meet in the parish. I carried the open Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintained. It was a values work. It opened eyes. The same period of time, our country had the Vietnam War of the 70s and watching, being with clergy that were silent especially in St. George’s Rectory with Monsignor Manning and Father Rueger-before he became auxiliary bishop.

                I was writing this not to blame my subsequent alcoholism on specific events. Instead, a story emerged which shaped the character of my personhood dealing with my experiences.  

July 28, 2004

                I was thinking the last few days of how long now I have been on Administrative Leave (Leave of Absence) is 11 years with no ministry-being put on the shelf. Because I realized that I was in a time element where there was only a morality on sexuality-everything else is free game-if the “boys of power and authority” deem it so.

                What was a know fact, that a priest “can’t sue his bishop.” So, if a priest says or does anything with a civil matter or the media, he is “defrocked.” It is an interesting state to be in. I, always, was optimistic on my part of going to have an opportunity to tell me story and change the situation. So, if you’re put on a shelf, it becomes impossible to tell one’s version. 

July 29, 2004

                Father Gamache told me how Bishop Reilly told him that Father Walsh was blackmailed by the guy who made him sign a paper that Walsh molested this guy.

                The discussion continued on where Fr. Gamache made a statement to me that surprised me: “If I am alienated, I have the money to fight it.” Sol many priest were being allegated that it was a certain different priest, it seemed, each week.  Gamache’s statement was the quote of the year for me to hear.

                I raised the issue with him in how was Fr. Brendon O’Donoghue being on “active duty” and allegated a number of times and living in Shrewsbury (Southgate) priest retirement home. This location was the top of living conditions.  I remarked: I’m near poverty-stipend below the poverty level-living in a studio apartment. Gamache makes a shuttle dig towards me in saying that I was not Irish.

                Another interesting fact was me hearing Fr. Gamache telling me that according to Bishop Rueger told him that Father Davenport needed a liver. Gamache felt that Rueger was hinting to him to donate a liver for Davenport. This had Gamache flippant with him saying that he wondered if Davenport had something on Rueger or the Chancery Gang to make such a statement with emphasis directed at him. Gamache wondered to me by saying that he wondered what Davenport “had” on Rueger and The Chancery Gang.

                I responded that what little I knew about Rueger after living in the same rectory for a number of years that Rueger may have been pulling Gamache’s buttons. However, I said that Rueger never says anything without a string attached to something around the corner. He has been known to be “lose lips” with his talking. But has his techniques that become more interesting operating with his role as auxiliary bishop. I wanted to ask Gamache if Rueger was still acting like “Carol Channings” when he says Mass and preaches. 

August 1, 2004

                Poor Father Gamache was flippant at lunch. He started by telling me that the “Polish priest in Clinton told the Deacon that he was not needed anymore.” I watched Gamache’s forehead-under his wig- quivering and facial red increased as he was talking. Let’s not forget that he is the personification of “resurging clericalism” and the new deaconate of the Second Vatican Council re-institution.

                But, what we have here is Gamache’s obsession with his “boys” becoming “little priests.” This is something one has to see. It is almost an obsession. What we have to wonder about is the one’s that do the “discernment” for candidates? I know by saying this is the question: Would I have been ordained? But, one has to see what the Diocese of Worcester is using for their discernment process.

                The resorted Deaconate of the Catholic Church is not a sanctuary ministry-polishing candle sticks. Many priests may think so because some only do that-say Mass and off to the golf course was a big thing I heard when I was first ordained in 1970. The deaconate is a ministry service. The documents I have read and re-read. So, when I see and hear what is being directed to the deacons is a very limited aspect of who they are and duties. I mention this because Gamache has the model of Deacons preaching and doing Baptisms-Communion Services when Father is gone on his “days-off” which a trained layperson may carry-out in a parish.

                I wonder how the reinforcement of “The Boys in the Band” is resurging. I know whey there is no adult education programs in parishes that would address pertinent issues of the day especially caring-out ones Baptismal obligations-everyone which would include the clerical state as well as the layperson-men and women.

                So, watching Father Gamache acting-out his way with teaching the Deacons-Dogmatic Theology-and his choice of a Deacons makes one watch with suspicion what is really happening to the ministry-again.

                Another interesting occurrence this day was I was asked by a high school teacher: How is your book doing? Are we going to see you on the Opra Show to be interviewed by her? This teacher asked me: Are you able to write? Who wrote my weekly Sunday homilies (sermons), funeral and wedding homilies and other lectures? I responded: “Yes! I just write loving hand and the do type my printed text-I preach after that with an outline which is from the heart.” There was silent on the teacher’s part.  

August 3, 2004

                Shifting this day from Cozzen’s book, I find on page 1 of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette “Shepherd Hill teacher arraigned: Sexual relations with male student alleged.”

                John Dignam of the Telegram and Gazette Staff writes: “Dudley-A high school English teach4r who allegedly had a sexual relationship with a 16-year –old male student was arraigned yesterday in Dudley District Court.

                “Amber Jennings, 30, of 110 South Shore Drive, Sturbridge, a teacher at Shepherd Hill regional High School, was charged with inducing a minor under 18 ‘to have unlawful sexual intercourse’ and disseminating obscene matter to the youth.

                “Judge Neil F. Snider entered a not guilty plea on behalf of Ms Jennings. She was released on $1,000 personal recognizance and granted a continuance to Oct. 26. Ms. Jennings stood beside her lawyer, Peter L. Ettenberg, as Judge Snider outlined the conditions of her release.

                “School Superintendent Sean M. Gilrein said yesterday that Ms. Jennings status has not change and that as of yesterday she was scheduled to report with all high school teacher Aug.. 30 for the start of the school year. Student report Aug. 31.

                “ ‘These are very serious allegations, and we’ll continue to work with the investigating authorities to gather information as evidence is brought forward,’ Mr. Gilrein said. ‘The school district will take appropriate administrative action to ensure the welfare of our students and a positive learning environment for everyone.’

                “The release on personal recognizance was granted on a joint request by the district attorney’s office and Mr. Ettenberg; the judge’s order that Ms. Jennings not has any contact with or come within 1—years of the alleged victim was also requested by both sides.

                “Ms. Jennings and Mr. Ettenberg declined to comment after the arraignment.

                “A spokesman for Worcester District Attorney John J. Conte said the allegations involved a 16-year-old male student, According to the police complaint, Ms. Jennings had a sexual relationship with the student from about Oct. 1, 2003, through July 7. Police seized a computer and a digital zoom camera as part of the investigation, according to the complaint…”84

                Such a story on the front page of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette had me wonder what people would be saying now because I hear constantly that this paper only reports priest stories. However, I wonder if the pattern hold with priest stories in that we have the initial story and then hear nothing more pattern-guilty till proven innocent?

                I noticed that I had a prepared statement practically memorized when I am asked: What do you do with your day? I had my primary physician, Dr. Daniel Veno, who was a former Catholic than joined a Christian Fundamentalist Church, ask me this question: What do you do daily? Answer: I start my day at 5:00 a.m. with Divine Office, daily Mass (Eucharist) and rosary. Then I spend time doing research and writing of my journal-book.  

August 4, 2004

                I have re-read Discipleship and other works of Dietrich Bonhoeffer. It was material I had studied in the seminary and have been re-reading this to add to my undertakings.

                I realized that in my undertakings that I was living in the moment-one day at a time for a direction. I has a passion for religion and searching to continue to find answer to modern issues by research and reading to try to answer issues in my mind and what discussions I may have I have a peace of mind, friends and a feeling of given to others in present life style. Many misfortunes are being reframed by me. I have to admit difficulty, but not glossing over it. Bonhoeffer wrote “If you admit that life is difficult, it becomes sorry.” I do elevate myself over sadness and gander. I’m successful by digging into my tool chest of talents and interests, figuring out where I fitted in. I connect with others who can assists and whom I can assist. I have been embracing continuous learning. Look at all expectations, I recall reading. I asked many times of myself: What does God want me to do” I was listening to my conscious

                “Springfield Diocese accused of cover-up” is reported in the “Digest” section of this day’s issue of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette.

                It reports: “Springfield-Man saying he was molested by two priests as a teen has filed a civil suit against the Springfield Diocese claiming that church leaders destroyed personnel files and tried to cover up clergy sex abuse.

                “The man filed his lawsuit a week ago encamped Superior Court under the pseudonym John Doe. In it, he claims he over heard retired Springfield Bishop Thomas Dupre, then a priest say, say at a rectory meeting in1977 or 1978 that ‘priest feels previously maintained by Bishop Weldon had been destroyed.’

                “Bishop Weldon retired as head of the Roman Catholic diocese in 1977 and died in 1982.

                “The man says he was abused for two years, starting in1976, in the Bondsville section of Palmer, by two priests who have since died. He claims the abuse began when he was 15 and continued until he was 17.

                “The man, now 43, told The Republican in Springfield that he was serving refreshments to the priests gathered at the rectory when he overheard Dupre.

                “According to John Doe, the Rev. Sylvio Lesque, pastor of St. Anne Parish in Three Rivers, attended the meeting. But Levesque told the newspaper that he couldn’t recall any discussion of destroyed files and didn’t remember Dupre attending any of the regional meetings in Bondsville.”85

                What had my eye on this story was Three Rivers was where the Giza’s lived. They never mentioned anything to me about this whenever I visited them. It was the “unholy silence” of people that was interesting about the priest sex abuse scandal. It was never mentioned which says a lot- the stories were something that most people would read through in that most cases were the money route or agendas against the Catholic Church.

                I made it an effort to go back on the Internet and see another review from the Tablet on The Changing Face of the Priesthood.

                This article I found was by (Farther) Donald Cozzens. The Tablet writes: “When the rector of St. Mary Seminary in Cleveland, Ohio, wrote a book which highlighted the prevalence of homosexual orientation among seminarians, he was criticized for disloyalty. Here he defends his decision to expose the current crises in the Catholic priesthood.

                “In the introduction to my book, The Changing Face of the Priesthood, I acknowledged that I was trying to write from my centre about what matter most to me-the priesthood. Since the book’s publication, there have been six printing to day totaling 35,000 copies. It is being read and discussed in countries as far away as Papua New Guinea. In the United States, the print and electronic media have paid considerable attention to it. Many of the reviews in national publications have been positive. It seems I have touched a nerve in writing what I considered to be but one priest’ reflection on the priesthood’s crisis of soul.

                “I found myself moving into dangerous waters, addressing issues and concerns that were painful to write about and painful to read-yet issues and concerns absolutely necessary to be written about. I wasn’t sure I had anything new to say about the tragic issue of clergy misconduct with minors. But I knew that we Catholics as a Church had only dealt with the pastoral response to victims, families and perpetrators, and after not well at all. We had yet to look at the underlying systemic factors that contributed to, perhaps even fostered, the inexplicable behavior of some priests, religious and bishops.

                “The disproportionate number of gay priests and seminarians had been pointed out at least a decade ago by seasoned church observers. While not anew issue, it deserves our attention, for it has serious implications for formation which many, if not most, seminary faculties are reluctant to tackle. The disproportionate number of homosexually oriented priests and seminarians may well be a significant facto in the drastic reduction in the number of candidates for our seminaries. It is right to tackle these questions and it is especially appropriate for seminary personnel to tackle their implications…”86

                This was an issue when I was in college-seminary. I recall my cousin, John J. Bish coming to the college section of the seminary as a student while I was in the major seminary. He words still resound: “What did you do to me to suggest that I attend this college where the whole place is gay.” My answer was: It was something he would be able to afford to pay for college-at the time- and his discernment of becoming a priest.

                I even recall that when I first spoke with the Giza’s when I was first removed from the parish saying: I don’t know what is going on but it will take at least 10 years-knowing the Church- before we get to see what is really going on. Well, Cozzens and others are publicly issuing the predominate fact of homosexuality issue in the priesthood. This, then, I believe, has phenomenal affect on how one has to operate in doing ministry. I had to admit that I did not have the skills of “office politics” to begin my ministry being newly ordained. Adding to that, it was customary to have dinner with the pastor and resident priest followed by watching the news in the pastor’s suit. This was expected to be done daily. When I tried to divert from this procedure, I was transferred from the “Monsignors” assignment. It was something else now that I was moved from it and able to become Pastor on a one-man assignment. I think “the system” wanted me more out-of-the-way than anything else. Why? I believe they knew that I was not “wired” to most of the diocesan “brother’ priest. Therefore, out of sight, out of mind.  

August 5, 2004

                I was thinking of dedicating this book of mine to the “Twilight Zone with had Rod Sterling saying: “Enter now…in the twilight zone.” The reason for such thought was how Bishop Harrington recreated The Worcester Diocese into a “Twilight Zone” of confusion, despair, guilt, doubt and other unhealthy conditions.

                I realize these are strong words that I use here to attempt to describe the diocese. But, one had to be here to see what this was occurring and one had to live here to experience the overall atmosphere.

                This was one of the hard “pearls of wisdom” that one observes and wonders if such a situation would ever be possible with a Church of Vatican II direction. I had to realize whatever theories I had be educated with, human beings were still human beings with authority and power.

                What is occurring is society has and always had and will continue to have scams going on. Situations and reporting don’t tell the whole story. 

August 8, 2004

                I was at Barnes & Nobel, Leominster and bumped into Martin and Kathy Niemi of Westminster. We had a coffee and talked about what they were doing. Martin mentioned how he was talking with Farther Kilcoyne this day (Sunday) and he asked Kilcoyne about me. He said that Kilcoyne said that “He needs his privacy.” Boy! It is an interesting statement to be telling someone. Kilcoyne hasn’t spoken to me for a number of years. What I picked-up from this was that the “System” with Rueger and a number of priests were telling people this same statement: Father Kardas needs his privacy. My interpretation: We (“System”) need to keep him at bay and away. It is an interesting coded language that I didn’t realize was being used to push-me out and make sure of it.

                Martin Niemi said that he was going to invite me over for a cook-out. I never heard from him. Martin had the gift of double-talk.  

August 10, 2004

                In my meditation time during my daily 3 mile walk, I realized that I was fighting the secular reaction to the sex abuse crisis and the issue of the heterosexual and homosexual sub-culture of the Church and the general society. It was the ping-pong culture and was moving back and forth.

                Another analogy was the packaged picture where one paints by the numbers. It is of late that I see how the organized system has answers or scenarios already in place by “higher clergy” and the hierarchy-“highest order of clergy” (Greeley)-to re-establish an absolute authority.

                I, now, realized that when I was newly ordained and worked in ministry with young people-who were always around on trips and activities-was going to be used in a totally different manner by the legal systems of the Church and State. And when I tried to explain, I was prejudged. It now realized that I had been in the wrong place, wrong time scenario.  

August 11, 2004

                I went back to another review of The Changing Face of the Priesthood: A Reflection on the Priest’s Crisis of Soul with Rovert J. Egan writing in Commonweal.

                He says: “Donald B. Cozzens has published one of the most honest and thoughtful reflections on the state of the Roman Catholic priesthood in the United States that have appeared so far. Cozzens is president-rector and professor of pastoral theology at Saint Mary Seminary and graduate School of Theology in Cleveland. Although brief, The Changing Face of the Priesthood distills over thirty years of the author’s experience as a priest, college teacher, spiritual director for priests, vicar for clergy and religious and administrator and superior of a seminary community.

                “The most serious problem facing us today in arriving at a more adequate understanding of the priesthood, theologically and practically, is a widespread inhibition of speech within the Catholic community. For various reasons, to the great detriment of the church, its credibility, and its mission, too many have felt reluctant or unable to say what they see and what they think. Cozzens’ most important virtue is his courage to say what his experience has taught him. For this alone, his book deserves a wide and respectful readership.

                “Cozzens sets aside, for the most part, exegetical and systematic the theological questions, as well as the subject of priests in religious orders and congregations. He wants to make a contribution primarily from the perspective of psychology and pastoral theology, and he is thinking here mainly about diocesan priests. Within these limits Cozzens accomplishes a great deal…”87 

August 12, 2004

                I was on the Internet and came across an article by Jimmy Breslin of on July 18, 2004 that had I stop for a moment to read and include in this writing.

                It was a “commentary” entitled “A greater sin is the molesting of the money.” This was eye-opening and surprising in that I have beensayi8ng for some time that the only thing one can do wrong in the priesthood is “sex.” But, the massaging of money is an issue of unmentionable quantity.

                Breslin writes: “The priest, Joseph Baker, said they were having a thought time. He was standing outside the church of St. John the Martyr’s rectory which is on 71st Street, around the corner from the church.

                “ ‘It’s not as though as the other,’ I said. By that, I meant the molesting charges that persist and that are al over the church, from Manhattan to Portland, Ore.

                “The anguish this time was caused by St. John the Martyr’s pastor, Msgr. John G. Woolsey, 66, who is accused of taking an 88-yer-old parish woman, Rose Cale, for a half million dollars before she died last years. While at first it seemed, as we said, much less distressing, than sexual charges, this thought exchanged where a second look showed that money rules as always.

                “What is unchanged is the woman with a walker coming out of the church on Friday after saying her prayers. She would give her name. She said she loved her pastor and religion. It is an indescribable burden to assist in her eternal hopes. To fail her by design is to risk you’re sour.

                “People want the sex scandals hidden behind the thickest drapers and all involved moved away. But when somebody steals cash money, that ancient cry rings forth” ‘Stop thief!’…”88

                Interesting reading and knowing that the organized element of the Hierarchical Church is slowly realizing that the “People of God” need to realize they are collaborators of all aspects of the Church. The days of “pay and obey” is long over. Yet, there is a way to go for clerical and lay people of work the money and planning issue in the open. 

August 13, 2004

                I noticed my name is removed for the Diocesan Directory that was published at this time for 2004-2005. This is the first time this has been done. But I also noticed that other priest on “Administrative Leave” were removed. However, Father’s Bagley and Brendon O’Donoghue where listed as “retired priest.” Amazing of watching how the system operates. It begs the question: What did these two priests have on certain people in that Worcester (Chancery) Gang? Was there one law for one group and another for others? It was a time that I was seeing how the Church operated in the shadow. Who is the victim? Father Lynch told me in 1993 that the good and bad were being caught-up in the dragnet going through the water. Through all of this, loneliness prevailed and continued with me but with not the same sting that I experienced earlier on in 1993.

                I never was told anything about this matter. Even more, I haven’t been speaking to for over two years-last time with Bishop Reilly which was a “case” in itself. Was it time for a civil matter? Was this another attempt to of the “

                Well, here is an interesting situation where the church hierarchy wins-whatever some people may say.

                Arthur Jones is NCR editor at large and gives us this piece “Priests say dismissal lacked due process: Military chaplains lose post when archbishop revokes endorsement.”

                He writes this: “Two military chaplains who are critical of church leaders for tolerating clergy sex abuse lost their ‘ecclesial endorsement,’ apparently without recourse to any form of due process and consequently lost their jobs in the military.

                “The endorsements for Air Force Col. Thomas P. Doyle, A Dominican and Navy Capt. Eugene Goulka, a monsignor, were withdrawn during the past year by Archbishop Edwin F. O’Brien of the Archdiocese for the Military Services. Endorsement by a religious institution is the method by which the Department of Defense accepts a chaplain for duty.

                “Both priests said they did not receive a hearing. No avenues of due process were opened to pursue the archbishop’s complaints against them, they neither told NCR nor were they provided with the opportunity to explain or defend them.

                “Both Doyle and Goulka, outside their duties as military chaplains, have been critical of the U.S. bishops’ addling of clerical sexual abuse matters.

                “Fro nearly 20 years, Doyle has publicly defended the rights of clerical sexual abuse victims and criticized the U.S. bishops’ cover-up of a sexual abuse. Houlka, in an Aug. 27, 2001, article in America magazine, ‘Home Alone in the Priesthood,’ discussed sexual abuse by military chaplains and the loneliness celibacy creates. (This is the first time that I am aware of this article on Gomulka.)

                “O’Brien did not cite their activities around the sex abuse crisis as reason for dismissal.

                “Doyle was told Sept. 17, 2003, that his endorsement was being withdrawn because of a memorandum he has sent as a canon lawyer to two other chaplains. The memorandum gave an opinion on canon law as it applied to an instruction by O’Brien to all chaplains regarding the provision of daily Mass and a reserved space for the Blessed Sacrament. (This gets interesting to follow when authority uses this argument.)

                “Gomulka was told by O’Brien last March 26 that his endorsement was being withdrawn because ‘it has come to my attention via reliable sources that you intend to retire form the Navy chaplaincy soon and thereafter attempt to enter into marriage. I am so sufficiently certain of this information that I must revoke immediately your endorsement (You’re fired.)

                “Gomulka told NCR he had neither made a firm decision to retire from the Navy nr to enter into marriage. O’Brien, he said, offered no sources for his information and no proof that retirement or marriage was Gomuka’s intent…”89

                I knew about Doyle story in the 80s. But, I did not know about Gomulka.

                So this raises the question: Why have any Canon Law? Better yet: How do such rumors as Gomulka have about him get to the head of his specific ministry? Similar to my situation, if the Church authorities want to get you, they will do anything they want to do and call it “nothing” but your gone- Worcester’s Poster Boy. 

August 15, 2004

                I had another one of those notorious lunches with “Father Peacock,” This time he went on a rampage of AA groups. He said: “Those people are sick and disturbed.” He knew that I attended two meeting each week in Rindge and periodically Jaffrey on Fridays.  I reacted with a strong rebuttal: These people going to AA meetings are good people. They know they have an issue to deal with. How many people that go to his Church on Sunday Mass know this fact? 

August 18, 2004

                My mind was "squirrelly” this day. I was reflecting on reading in July of “cases” in Rome, Father Al calling me saying he had heard noting of 7 months with his new bishop in Hartford. In addition, where I was not listed in the Diocesan Directory of this year had me getting back-on that roller coaster thinking. 

August 20, 2004

                The Catholic Free Press prints “Rulings uphold charitable immunity protection” reported by William Clew.

                He writes: “Springfield-A Hampden County Superior Court justice has ruled in a civil suit brought against the Diocese of Worcester that the diocese is protected by the charitable immunity doctrine and cannot be liable for damages of more than $20,000.

                “The ruling handed down by Justice John A. Agostini, is specific to the case brought by Jane Martin against Father Robert E. Kelley and the Romans Catholic Bishop of Worcester, a Corporation Sole.

                “It came on pretrial motions asking that portions of an affidavit submitted by Ms. Martin’s counsel be stricken and seeking a summary judgment on the liability to which the diocese could be subjected. The motions were presented by Atty. James G. Reardon Jr. and Atty. Joanne Goulka on behalf of the Worcester Diocese.

                “Mr. Reardon said Justice A. Agostini’s decision is not binding on other cases being brought against the diocese is based on identical or similar issues. He sad there are more than a dozen such cases against the diocese, all of which have been placed under the supervision of  Judge Jeffrey Locker. He said Judge Locker has asked the diocese to file an omnibus summary judgment motion in those cases. He said the diocese filed its motion for summary judgment in the case brought by Ms. Martin at the request of the court…”90

                What is interesting to watch in such a case is that there are many other cases in the diocese-other diocese as well-that are seeking “big” money. So, Worcester Diocese does a “checkmate” approach. 

August 21, 2004

                I had been thinking how I responded to Dr. Zeman’s question of my priesthood being a vocation. I knew he had difficulty understanding me by his facial expression. I basically said my work is a total priesthood and that is a vocation. It is not just a job, it is who I am. I live the values of my eyes in my heart. 

August 24, 2004

                Kathleen A. Shaw in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette writes “Church paper spurs battle: Texas Abuse case lawyers seek to include document.”

                She states: Is the 1962 Vatican document called Crimen Solicitations a blueprint for the cover-up of clergy abuse within the Catholic Church, or it merely an internal policy manual for handling certain kind of abuses within the sacrament of confession? (Boy! Are we digging into areas that have no relevance for anything approach? I know that the Church operates in coded language. But this implication by Shaw is off-target.)

                Layers on both sides of the issue are battling this issue out in the contact of several civil lawsuits filed by alleged clergy abuse victims around the country.

                “The issue moves to Washington, D.C. today as the rev. John P. Beal, a canon layer who said he has studied the Vatican document, is scheduled to be deposed this morning I connection with a Texas civil suits involving the Rev. Thomas H. Teczar of Dudley, Mass., a priest of the Diocese of Worcester.

                “A move to get the document admitted in Massachusetts failed recently when a Springfield judge ruled the document was irrelevant to a civil lawsuit alleging clergy sexual abuse.

                “The Texas suit is one of several pending lawsuits in the United States in which lawyers for alleged victims of clergy sexual abuse are attempting to get the document authenticated and entered as evidence that would show a worldwide conspiracy by the Catholic Church to cover up sexual abuse by priest.

                “The Fort Worth, Texas and Worcester diocese are arguing, however, that the document is irrelevant to these cases and doesn’t constitute a conspiracy. Rev. Beal agrees, and in an affidavit submitted in the Texas case said the document is ‘no innovation.’

                “Layers Tahira Han Merrit of Dallas and Daniel J. Shea (Here he is!) of Houston, who represent John Doe I and John Doe II in the suit, ordered the deposition to question Rev. Beal on the document because he was he has studied it and may be able to provide some salient information.

                “James Gavin Reardon Jr., lawyer for the Diocese of Worcester, said the diocese will not oppose the deposition, but said he was told the Texas judge put restrictions on the ‘range of questions’ Ms Khan Merrit and Mr. Shea will be allowed to asked Rev. Beal…”91

                Boy! What gets interesting in this is how Atty. Dan Shea appears on the screen. What really happened with Shea and then Monsignor Dan Reilly (Bishop of Worcester) in Providence, R.I. that Shea was a ordained a “transitional Deacon” and never continued on to be ordained a priest? Would one think that Shea had an “agenda” in the name of justice? What has to be realized if it wasn’t Dan Shea going after such a document interpretation, it would have been someone else. We are talking about big money in suits. 

August 25, 2004

                I was reflecting how I was living in the 70s which was when I began drinking. I recall in the later 70s how I was hearing and dealing with “people, places and things use. One thing of this time was that you would hear from “old timers” that you drank and no excuse for that fact. I used to hear if a person was blaming anyone for their drinking that it was “cut-off” by someone saying Tell us about you’re drinking. We don’t want to hear anything else.

                I wanted to say but no one would hear me-which took some time to realize that it was me and only me. But I wanted to say” 1. I was considered a traitor to the Polish cause being assigned to a territorial parish-there were more Polish people at this parish than ¾ of the Polish Parishes in the Worcester Diocese. 2. There was a homosexual sub-culture existing in the priesthood at this time. 3. Rectory life was one an aristocratic life style. Ex.: Dinner with a bell at the table for the maid to be called. In addition the housekeeper was the Pastor’s “spy.” 4. Ministry of compassion was alive in my heart but had to be something else at times. 4. I had a motorcycle (trail bike) that made people get their “Shoes tight” issue.

                I developed to see issues in 3 or 4 different ways because of such experiences. 

August 26, 2004

                I was speaking with one of my friends from Michigan-Sandy Peters. He was layman teaching for a period of time but at this time was involved in being a stock broker. He was really quiet when I spoke of the sub-culture issue that I was living with in the rectory. He told me that there was very little new on abuse in the Detroit Archdiocese. This was an interesting perspective because I read periodically the Detrain secular pear on the Internet. There was news of sexual abuse by priest ands there was in Massachusetts. I mentioned that to him. He was quiet. I did say that there is a “blizzard” of information that I have accumulated for a book and it has taken a time to sort-out.

                It was better to speak about baseball-Red Sox- and the New England Patriots.  

August 30, 2004

                I was reading Doonesbury’s cartoon where we have B.D. (character) being described: He is slowly coming to terms with the different ness of being disabled. It’s been hard for him, but he’s trying to improve his attitude. B.D. states that he is “Rich! Why, yes. Yes I am so

                This may be a summary somewhat of what I was experiencing of late. I realized that I was richer than I ever thought I would be. Why? I have some aspect of my dignity reaming in my personhood and being a priest. 

September 1, 2004

                I had an interesting coffee conversation with a lawyer friend of mine. He made a number of interesting remarks on his part about gay priest. It was obviously on his mind for this coffee because he wanted it known: Doesn’t care about a priest is, as long as he is able to receive the sacraments. He made it a point by saying: I want and only want and look at the priest to give me the sacraments- gas station Catholic and don’t bother him.

                He, actually, was somewhat defensive in saying that he doesn’t care if a “sub-culture of priest” exist. He may be categorized as being a sacramental Catholic and didn’t want to be drawn into anything else. I wonder about such people in that they may be professional and run a conservative agenda of their way or the highway because they have made it in their minds as being professional They don’t want to be challenged by the Christians Gospels or any other  issue of faith and morals and their block of thinking.

                I was surprised that how he even ran the conversation about Bishop Rueger alleged victim: This guy was proven a nut. I did say to him if he noticed how the Worcester Chancery and certain others circle around Rueger when he was accused. I, also, was thinking but did not say how this same Worcester Chancery group did not go after any other people that claimed to be victims. He did end the conversation by saying that so many kids were hurt.

                What I was surprised in part of the conversation was how this lawyer made a remark about me writing my journal and addressing or even mentioning anything as a gay sub-culture in the priesthood. He became somewhat strong in saying if I went in that direction that many people that “loved” me would be totally turned away from me. What was more baffling was I have been very careful about talking such an issue that the media has highlighted very much of late. I began to wonder what other clergy he may have been speaking with about the “crisis” situation. It had me more than wondering. Here was another case of “Hardening of the candle wax.”

                I was thinking at this point in our conversation if his two boys ever thought about becoming priest or that he ever talked to them about such a vocation. I didn’t go there.

                Another guy I knew from St. Edward’s told me that with an abuse crisis yet unresolved, the church leaders presume preaching sexual morality to a perplexed global assembly. 

September 3, 2004

                A very interesting essay appeared in this days issue of National Catholic Reporter entitled “Priests and the crisis of hope within the church” by (Fr.) Timothy Radcliffe. This paper begins with the explanation: “This is an excerpt from the first of two talks Timothy Radcliffe delivered to the National Federation of Priests’ Councils in Atlanta, Ga. The complete text of both lectures appeasers in the May 27 issue of Origins, a collection of documents and speeches published weekly by Catholic News Service and the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops.

                “I have been asked to speak with you about how we may be the bearers of good news. And this implies we are ourselves touched by a certain joy. If you are grim and sad, then who is going to believe that the Gospel is good news? Nietzsche said that the disciples of Jesus should look a bit more redeemed…”92

                Radcliffe’s statements are printed in this essay. He presents another aspect that is most insightful.

                This same issue carried parts of (Fr.) Richard McBrien by: “The following is a combined edited version of three successive columns written by Fr. Richard McBrien…

                “The May 27 issue of Origin contains two talks on the priesthood by Fr. Timothy Radcliffe, former master general of the Dominican order, given in April at the annual convention of the National Federation of Priests’ Councils.

                “Although I have never had the pleasure of meeting Radcliffe, he has an enviable reputation inside and outside the worldwide Dominican community. May regard him as man of extraordinary spiritual dept-a compliment that is too often cheapened by overuse and indiscriminate application…

                “Perhaps it is because of Radcliffe’s reputation that I found myself somewhat disappointed with the talks, notwithstanding their many splendid insights and the obviously healthy spirit and thoughtful tone that permeate them.

                “The first presentation, ‘Priests and the Crisis of Hope Within the Church,’ identifies three cause of demoralization among priests first, the distance between the teaching church and the experience of most ordinary Christians with whom the priest lives; second, the ‘acute polarization’ that exists within the Catholic church; and tired, the negative effects of the sexual abuse scandals.

                “The problem with this (his) analysis is that it begs some underlying questions.

                “First, why does a distance exist between the official teaching of the church and so many ‘ordinary Christians,’ and why do so many priests agree with their parishioners on the matter?

                “Second, what is the cause of the polarization that currently divides the Catholic Church and creates the kind of demoralization, at both clerical and lay levels, of which Radcliffe speaks.”

                “And third, why did we have a sexual abuse scandal” Was it simply a matter of ‘a few bad apples’ in the priesthood (the same defense offered in response to charges of prisoner abuse in Iraq), or is there an overarching systemic problem as well...

                The subtitle of this article is: “Analysis of priests’ demoralization skirts underlying questions about hierarchical power” with a summary of quote of McBrien’s in the middle of this page: “Polarization occurs in the absence of dialogue but dialogue presupposes some measure of equality.”93

                Bingo! I never experienced any dialogue or respect of any equality with the Harrington and Rueger type. Rueger may have had some with certain group of priest in the diocese. I was never part of anything of that. Harrington and even Reilly used the authority vertical approach and only that approach.

                The Catholic Free Press had a front page story “Pope meets with N.E. bishops-Church can heal from abuse wounds by John Thavis.

                He writes: “Vatican City (CNS)-Addressing bishops for Worcester, Boston and other New England dioceses, Pope John Paul II said he was confident that the church in the United States could heal the wounds caused by the sex abuse scandal.

                “While the cases of priestly abuse have ‘cast a shadow’ on the church they must never be allowed to weaken Catholics’ public witness of faith and hope, the people said yesterday.

“At the same time, the pontiff offered special words of encouragement to the many good priests he said have ‘suffered deeply because of much-publicized failings of some of the church’s ministers.’

                “The pope made the comments in a text that he read in part to some 25 bishops, including Worcester’s Bishop McManus and retired Bishop Reilly during a meeting at his summer residence outside Rome. The pope had been meeting individually all week with the prelates, who were on their ‘ad lamina’ visits to the Vatican…”94

                There were no new insights to offer because it seemed that it was business as usual with the hierarchical operations. 

September 6, 2004

                I was going through my personal library and came accords the book Power and Authority in the Catholic Church: Cardinal Cody in Chicago by Charles Dahin & Robert Librelandi, 1981, University of Notre Dame Press.

                The Forward states: Ecclesia simper reformed est. S., he (the author) asks: “Do the day-to-day administration and decision making procedure of the Catholic Church offer Christian virtues? How wide is the gap between gospel ideal and the administration routine used to implement them? To what extent do contemporary institutional forms blur Christ’s message of the Gospel message? The bad news, born by the investigation is that the Church has capitulated to secular norms of administration…Worst of all, so few of them realize they are enmeshed in a dubious web of myth and ideology that continues to legitimate monarchical domination of priest and people by priest. (pg. viii)…

                “Richard A. Schaenberr (p. x): One may be given to cautious optimism by these slim pieces of evidence (results of author’s evidence) because they raise some doubts that the whole church is hopes sly wired in its own institutional contradictions. In any case, there are sure to get worse before the get better. (p. x) The youth drama taking place in Chicago…The clergy as a body is losing energy and idealism, procedures usually associated with youthful members. The analysis shows that as the average age of American Catholic priest continues to rise (by the end of the century, 40 percent of the active diocesan clergy  will be over 55, in contrast to 1970 of about 23 percent was noted 59. The theology will also grow relatively more conservative. (pg. xiii). Priests, religious and laity should learn the political skills necessary to apply due pressure, persuasive and priorities in order to achieve their cherished goals. They must learn the lessons of defeat, compromise, frustration and the habits of victory. But, they must learn the pattern of

apathy, cynicism and retreat. Above all, the laity should awake to the reformist potential of its own economic clout.”

                This is interesting seeing this in the newspaper “New fund honors Rueger.”

                Here is what the Worcester Telegram & Gazette printed: Worcester-Auxiliary Bishop George E. Rueger will be honored Sept 26 at the 110th anniversary celebration of St. Vincent de Paul Society with inauguration of the Bishop Rueger Fund for the Poor.            The fund is being established in Bishop Rueger’s honor because of his work in ‘being a champion of the poor’ (Rueger never did anything but school work0 and guiding the society in this Vincentian work.

                “The event will begin with a Mass of Thanksgiving at 5 p.m. at St. Paul Cathedral, High Street. A cocktail four and dinner will follow at the Beechwood Hotel.

                “Frances E. Pike, society executive director said, ‘He has over the past many years shown us by his example and witness that justice and charity are pillars of the life of faith.’ The fund, administered by the Society of Vincent de Paul, will contribute to needy families or a special cause each year.”95

                Rueger made a few priest poor. Therefore, a fund developed for others was being established?

                Frances Pike was a member of St. George’s Parish when I was an Associate with Rueger in residence. Pike was everywhere Rueger would be in the “coffee shop” on Sunday mornings. One had to see the act Pile and Rueger portrayed even with her husband standing next to her.

                So, some people in the Worcester Chancery needed to make a “fund” to exemplify Rueger of “He has over the past many years shown us by his example and witness that justice and charity are pillars of the life of faith.”

                I wonder if Fran Pike was on Mars or some other place but earth. If on earth, it must have been in a far, far distant land.               

September 7, 2004

                I was reading on the Internet of a priest in Australia of a Vicentian priest that reports a “complaint” was made by a parishioner stating the priest was unfit for ministry with children. The priest was history. There was no other explanation.  

September 9, 2004

                I was reading Goodbye, Good Men: How Liberal Brought Corruption into the Catholic Church by Michael S. Rose (2002). I read about half of this book in my first sitting because I had to get it back to the library. Amazed somewhat that it about the 1990’s mentioning the struggle orthodox priest encountered.

                Thinking about my conversation of few days ago with my lawyer friend with a footnote of Chapter 4: “The Gay Subculture: One law first alone won financial settlement for its clients against at least 45 priest and 5 brothers from religious orders, according to the lead attorney I those cases, Roderick MacLeish, Jr. ‘Scores of priests involved in Sex Abuse Cases’ in The Boston Globe, June 31, 2002 (p. 250-251).

                This concept was more out there than I thought it was. The lawyer friend was reacting to me about this “gay subculture” button than I thought about.  

September 10, 2004                               

                The Worcester Telegram & Gazette printed “Settlement reached in Kelly suit: Abuse was alleged at St. Cecilia’s (Leominster).”

                Gary V. Murray wrote: “Worcester-The Worcester Diocese has reached an out-of-court settlement with an Idaho woman who filed a civil lawsuit two years ago alleging she was sexual abused as a child by the Rev. Robert E. Kelley.

                “Terms of the recently settlement were not disclosed by a lawyer for the diocese, who said yesterday the settlement was one of seven reached in the last several months between the diocese and plaintiffs in clergy sexual abuse cases.

                “The woman, Denise Hanrahan, was one of two remaining plaintiffs in a suit files in 2002 in Middlesex Superior Court transferred last month to Worcester Superior Court. Ms. Hanrahan alleged that she was sexually abused by Rev. Kelley between1976 and 1983, when the Catholic priest was assigned to St. Cecilia’s Parish in Leominster.

                “The abuse allegedly occurred at various locations, including the church rectory and in New Hampshire, according to the lawsuit…”96 

September 12, 2004

                “The People’s Forum” (Letters-To-The-Editor) enclosed this letter from Herbert J. answers of Douglas entitled “St. John’s Church has many burden.”

                He writes: “My original idea for this letter was to answer a question posed by former President Ronald Reagan, for whom I voted twice. ‘Are you better off today than you were four years ago?’ with a resounding, ‘no.’

                “But the ceiling collapsed in our place of worship, and two things came to mind more important than any election: Thanks God no one was in church at the time, and how many crosses are the good people of St. John’s expected to carry?

                “It has been more than two years since our pastor was put on leave. We had nightly vigils and written many letters to our bishop asking him to hear the Rev. Joseph Coonan’s’ side other accusations.

                “I hope the damage to St. John’s Church is repairable and completed swiftly and safely, but more important, I pray for the parish of St. John’s and the many burdens placed upon it.”

                What this guy doesn’t get: There was a dragnet going through the water and it scooped the good and the bad. 

September 13, 2004

                The door bell rings at 4:45 p.m. with a gray Ford parked across the street. My first thought was the time I had the State Police Detectives questioning me about the Molly Bish situation.

                It was a state police office in civilian cloths asking if I was Thaddeus J. Kardas. He had a summons from the Grand Jury of Molly Bish. It stated that I was to appear at the Worcester Superior Court for Sept 24th at 9:00 a.m. (Friday).

                I invited this State Police Officer in to get always from the door mainly so that the neighbors would not have any conversation. I told him that I was priest. He said: “Oh! I didn’t know.” He explained the procedure and how I had to call a Mr. Greco to confirm the appointment.

                It kicked everything up, again. My finger became cold and I weakness overcame me with a weakness where I had to sit down. I wondered what to do to slow down the mental engine that was racing.

                I wondered if I was going to have to tell my story. Would they ask questions as: Was Molly a free spirit teenager? Did I say: Watch out for her? Was I going to be asked what happened at the Easter Dinner when John, Magi, Mickey Bish were at the dinner table and Molly walked out to the family car and drove away? Molly was only 15 years old.

                My emotions began to start-up to what I experienced during the 1993 period of time. I had nothing to hide. I lived in keeping everything out in the open so that information was there and nothing hidden or deceitful. I would not withhold any information in any questions that I might have been asked. But the anxiety issue did go through me for a few hours. I did notice that my back became tense and I began the back pains which I had experienced at the parish with the Easter holidays and those notorious “interrogations’ with the Worcester Chancery Gang.

                I noticed that I reverted to an orderly day to finish a number of projects I had in writing and research.  

September 15, 2004

                I read on the Internet of Catholic News Service description of an effective “Servant Leader.” It mentions that such a leader knows what’s best towards faith in people: 1. Give resources 2. Give them a sense of direction 3. Give them a sense of ownership 4. Just have tremendous faith that they can figure it out.

                It was my approach of what I did in the parish and ministry as a priest. It was encouraging that at one time, I was hitting these buttons.

                Keble-Ross died this month of September. I reflected how the five stage she identified in “Death and Dying” were also adapted to the struggle with grief. It was a process. The stages she identified: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance were part of the pop-culture lexicon as well as academic theories. It was something that I reviewed periodically.  

September 18, 2004

                It rained very heavy all day since around midnight until approximately. 2:00 p.m., that was the reminisce of Hurricane-Ivan. This past week was somewhat of an emotional roller coaster, It was the issue of September 24 attendance at the Grand Jury.

                I set myself to get back to writing. When I get in the writing jag, my mind becomes evolved in my journal and memoirs by getting specific in writing and overall involvement. My disposition, I felt, was becoming positive. I recalled the mantra of …and Sunday is coming!

                I felt better by going forward with my afternoon 3 mile walk to clears my head. I followed up with do my floor exercise after the walk. I became stronger in attitude.

                I noticed in reading Those Honored Dead: How the story of Gettysburg Shaped American Memory Those Honored Dead: How the story of Gettysburg Shaped American Memory by Thomas A. Desjardin (2003).

                One section, I re-read: “There is no ‘what really happened at Gettysburg?’ Only a mountain of varying, often contractor accounts that are seldom in accord, all tainted in some way or other by memory, bias, politics, ego , or a host of there factors. (John Badge Bacheden-Kept story alive.)

                This brought to mind this whole sex abuse crisis that we have and are experiencing for over a decade.

                We read in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette “Rev. Holley stays in prison: New Mexico board denies parole for Worcester priest” by Kathleen A. Shaw.

                She writes: “Worcester-The Rev. David A. Holley, a priest of the Worcester Diocese serving a hail term in New Mexico after pleading guilty to sexually abusing and raping eight boys there, has been denied parole and will remain behind bars.

                “Ella Frank, executive director of the New Mexico’s parole board, said the three people how heard Rev. Holly plea for release all voted to keep him in prison in Los Lunas, N.M., where he as served 11 years of a 35-to275-years jail term.

                “The decision was not to be released until Monday, but the parole board decided instead to release its findings Thursday.

                “At a parole hearing Tuesday, three of Rev. Holley’s New Mexico victims testified against releasing the priest. The national leadership of Survivors Network of Those Abused by Priests and its former New England leader, Phil Saviano-an alleged victim of Rev. Holley in the Worcester Diocese-sent a letter to the parole board asking that he not be released…”98 

September 19, 2004

                I noticed or better felt my back and shoulders were getting tighter and feeling picky. It was I needed a rub-down. I knew why. The Grand Jury appearance on Friday- Sept. 24. 

September 20, 2004

                “Diocese want Rev. Holley out: Persona letters detailing priest’s situation obtained by T &G” reported by Kathleen A. Shaw stating: “Worcester-Bishop Bernard J. Flanagan in 1971 decided that one reason the Rev. David A Holley should go into the care of Servants of the Paraclete in New Mexico or some other location operated by the order was because they would be able to find a placement for him after he completed treatment, the bishop said in a letter written at the time.

                “Rev. Holley, denied parole last week, is now serving a 55-to 275-year prison sentence in New Mexico for sexually abusing and raping eight boys here.

                “Although Rev. Holley was taken in as a priest of the Worcester Diocese in1962 and incardinated in1967 (Joke in the diocese: What the world refuses, Worcester uses) which means he became a priest of the diocese, he proved to be problematic because of his history of sexually molesting boys, Bishop Flanagan and Auxiliary Bishop Timothy J. Harrington clearly did not want him back in the diocese although no move was made to remove him permanently from the priesthood, the letter show.

                “His relationship with the Worcester Diocese is detailed in the series of personal letters obtained by the Telegram & Gazette.

                “Bishop Flanagan in a March 15, 1971, letter to Rev. Holley, who was then in Pittsburgh, said he discussed the situation with Bishop Harrington and they agreed to suggest that Rev. Holley go to ‘one of the houses of the Paraclete Fathers-either Via Coeli in New Mexico or one of their other hospices. They now have some professionally directed programs of therapy so that you could continue whatever treatment is indicated…”99

                When I read this, it was something I never heard about or existed. It was one of those issues that no one, I guess, ever talked about. There was priest talk about “Dry-Out Murphy’s” which was for priest with alcohol problems. 

September 21, 2004

                I was talking with another priest who told me that he attended an interesting panel discussion if sex abuse by priest at Holy Cross College. He told me to go on the Internet and check “Google” about this. I did.

                It was conducted on March 31 and appeared in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette of March 21st on page B3.

The announcement read: “Worcester-The college of the Holy Cross will hold a free panel discussion on ‘Aftermath: The Abuse Crisis and the ministry of Priests’ at 7 p.m. March 31 in the Rehm Library at the college. The discussion is open to the public.

                “The Rev. William Mendel, interim pastor of Nativity Church of Merrimack, the Rev. Kenneth Brown, pastor of St. Margaret of Scotland I St. Louis, and the Rev. William Campbell, campus minister at Holy Cross, will discuss how abuse by fellow priests has affected their work and life as priests and how they see their own future in the aftermath of the crisis.”100

                The priest that gave me this clipping from the paper said he sat through it and was not impressed because he heard the panel dealing with their issues more from a personal nature and agendas. This would make sense but he felt it was not constructive with a very small audience in attendance. He described the group in the seats as Personalities-P8s.  

September 22, 2004

                I had coffee with “Father Peacock.” He explained how he had a minor procedure this past week that put him under with anesthesia. He explained how he was told to count back from5 and got to 4 and he was out. He said: “That’s how it all ends.” I was surprised to her this from a priest to say it is all over.

                He didn’t explain or want to talk about what the procedure was all about or anything. I wondered about this guy’s technique he uses as a divergence. He told me he had to have another procedure in December. 

                This was where I became wondering if he was playing the “sick note” for ministry dogging. He did tell me his gallbladder was OK. I wondered why he even gave me such a quick answer of the procedure and would be continued in December. What was happening? Now, this is where I get interesting: What is really happening, if anything at al? I have known this guy for over 20 years. He is an expert on keeping a spotlight on something else than what is at stake. 

September 24, 2004

                I was called as a witness for the Molly Bish’s Grand Jury in Worcester Superior Court. I had a tuff night of sleeping. My back was sore because I know of stress and anxiety. Bit, I ended with an attitude of answer the questions with a dignified manner and as best as I am able to answer any issues asked of me.

                I was in the Grand Jury Room for 5 minutes. Before I was called, the assistant DA let me read my questions and answers that I had done with the two State Police Detectives in my place. When he came back for me to enter, he asked for the sheet which I had folded and had in sport jacket pocket. It was interesting in that he wanted to know where it was. I thought it was for my records. It was not.  One item of this copy of my deposition of three pages that I read was John Bish introduced me into the data base. He took the deposition back. This deposition was from February 22, 2002 with State Police detectives Stephen E. Kelly and Heather DiPasquali.

                What was peculiar in that there had to be approx. 25 to 30 people on this Grand Jury seated in 3 rows of chairs in a semi-circle? I was directed to a docket that was an open space with only two-by-fours in a skeleton structure. I was giving the oath by a stenographer.

                I was asked what relationship did I have with Molly Bish? What type of work I did-Roman Catholic priest of Worcester Diocese. What kind of car did me drive-Green Toyota 1997 Camry? How often at the Bish home-Holiday and few other times. Did I see the Bish children alone-No. Were the parents of Molly, John and Magi responsible parents-Yes. It was asked by the Assistant DA if there were any questions from the Grand Jury. There was none. Then I was asked the 5 minutes of questions. Told “Thank you” and out I went.

                I observed that there was one woman in the middle of Grand Jury members that was taking notes on a stenographer notebook. A couple people were reading their newspapers.

                The assistant DA walked out behind me and escorted me into the hall way. He spoke with me that they were sorry if this had any concern on my part and that was not why I was called. He said:  I’m sorry we had to do this with you. But, you were in the data base. There was no real reason for you to be here. I am sorry to have put you through this. They had to follow this procedure. It is over for you. You don’t have to deal with this, again. You have other issue to deal with. Thank you. Bye.

 This had me wondering in why he came out to speak privately in the hallway and manner he did.

                My lawyer friend called me to see how I was and word of encouragement on my answering machine.

                The Assistant DA’s question was nothing more than identity and where was I that day. This was when I realized that I was considered a suspect. I was drained when I walked out of the Superior Court building.

                I received a check of $10.21 for appearing.  

September 27, 2004

                I attended the Big E in West Springfield with “Father Peacock.” He was nervously asking me after I explained how writing my daily journal was very helpful in seeing certain patterns of reflections and actions on my part. He asked me: “Am I in the journal, today, with this trip.” I said: No! My writing is about the hierarchy and other issues of the abuse of authority as must forget me with “We will call you.” He followed up with another question: How do you remember all this you say about the Civil War book, Those Honored Dead. I answered that by writing daily it sharpens me recall and what I read.

                One of the things I noticed was how jumpy he was and it was affecting his driving. I wondered if maybe he read about Bishop Dupre’s trips to NH and taking ‘youths” to Canada. “Father Peacock” used to take a couple youth in the Retreat House in Canada near the ski resort. This story about the bishop has been around for a whole week and repeated by the media a number of times.

                He changed the topic-control/fear technique- by telling me: Attorney Garabidian has just five over a batch of allegations to the Archdiocese of Boston. I said nothing. I used the silence technique. 

September 29, 2004

                I was watching the evening news on Channel 5-Boston with an attorney saying that it takes 30 years for someone to come forward on abuse issues. My fear buckets started filling-up on hearing this story. Was this what the Assistant DA meant last Friday that I had other issues to deal with?

                Adam Gorlick of The Associated Press reported in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette front page “Bishop indicted for rapes: Springfield DA says trail cannot be held.”

                Gorlick writes: “Springfield-District Attorney William Bennett said yesterday he will not prosecute former Springfield Bishop Thomas Dupre for child rape charges because the statute of limitations has expired.

                “In a grand jury indictment unsealed yesterday, Dupre was charged with molesting tow boys in the 1970s, becoming the first Roman Catholic bishop to face criminal charges in the sex abuse scandal in the American church.

                “However, the grand jury returned indictment related directly only to child abuse and not to other possible charge, such s witness tampering and obstruction of justice. Without those indictments, Bennett said he was precluded from pursing the case because the statue of limitations at time of the alleged crimes was six years.

                “‘Even with probable cause, there was a strong possibility that prosecution of such allegations could be barred by the statue of limitations,’ Bennet said.

                “However, Bennett said he will turn information over to authorities in New Hampshire, New York and Canada, where some of the abuse allegedly took place. Bennett said statue of limitation laws in those jurisdictions may not apply to Dupre…”101

                Nothing was ever reported on this in the local media and seemed to drop-off the screen. There seems to be an issue with the media-saturation of a story- and then nothing.

                Another front page article in the same paper “Offender priest got outsources Masses: Bishop Forwarded special requests.”

                Kathleen A. Shaw writes this article: “Worcester-Bishop Bernard J. Flanagan outsourced to the Rev. David A. Holley Masses that Catholics of the Worcester Diocese sought for special intentions while the priest was undergoing treatment in New Mexico for sexually abusing and raping eight boys there.

                The information about the Masses was in an affidavit that Rev. Holley, a priest of the Worcester Diocese, signed under oath in 1993 as part of a civil lawsuit brought in New Mexico by his victims in that state. The eight men alleged they were sexually abused by Rev. Holey in the Alamagordo area after he was sent to a now-defunct treatment center operated by the Servants of the Paraclete, a male religious order.

                “‘People in the Worcester Diocese would send in donations-usually $3 to $5- for Masses to be said for a love one,’ Rev. Holley said in the affidavit. ‘However, Worcester is a small diocese, and the priests there could not accommodate all the Mass intentions.

                “‘Therefore, Bishop Flanagan sent the donations and prayer requests to me in New Mexico with instructions that I, as a priest of the Worcester Diocese pray for the Worcester parishioners by saying Masses for them in New Mexico to fulfill their spiritual intentions,’ he said.

                “Rev. Holley said that while in New Mexico he regularly said these Masses ‘pursuant to Bishop Flanagan’s instructions’ in the Paraclete chapel in Albuquerque. Bishop Flanagan, who died in 1998, also sent Rev. Holley the Mass stipends-the offerings Catholics make for an Mss-and the Mass intentions.

                “Raymond L. Delisle, spokesman for the diocese, said he could not speak for what may have happened back then but that he does to believe the diocese is currently outsourcing Masses…”102

                When I read this and with Delisle’s comment, it was a situation that Bishop Flanagan did for his priest. It most likely was the $3-Low Mass stipend. One has to know that a priest is able to accept one stipend per day for Mass he is offering. This guy was not going far on the $3 or $5 a day. If anything, Bishop Flanagan was using his brotherly outreach to a “brother priest” which was even part of Church Canon Law of a bishop with his priest. Holley must have had “facilities” (permission) to say Mass even with the situation being what it was at that time.

                If anything, it makes Bishop Flanagan look compassionate even to such a person that was allegated. However, the local media would turn that around in a moments notice.  

September 30, 2004

                I was thinking that wouldn’t it be something to get Penguin Press to publish my work? The penguin was representing the old structure of Church with the religious sisters. They deserve a lot more respect for what they experienced and contributed for the Church for so many years.

                I had to hear “Father Peacock” tell me that priest in the “active ministry” or “on the job” with this: “We are only protecting ourselves and doing the minimum.” This was his mantra since I knew him. I knew him only doing enough to be recognized by the bishop to become a Monsignor. It was a classic study to watch his techniques and approaches at meetings and in general conversations. 

October 1, 2004

                I noticed in my writing and refection that I was thinking the way that I should have answered certain questions and situations now that they have occurred. I guess this is one of the benefits or rewards of journaling. One learns as one evolves in anything one undertakes. This is a good example. The best response of late, I noticed, in me has been to keep quiet. Let others talk. I choose my responses with a lot more clarifications and thought. I even have developed the answers of only a “Yes” or a “No.” Then wait for a response, saying nothing else.

                What I have found reading John L. Allen, Jr. of the National Catholic Reporter has been that the atmosphere in the Church and especially Rome has repeatedly stressed that a bishop is supreme in his diocese, making it almost impossible to compel a bishop to follow anything simply but only by Pope’s direction. Here is the case of top-management in this day and age of the Church. It is a model that is very new in the history of the Catholic Church.

                The Catholic Free Press carried two stories in this week stories of the atmosphere of the current society.

                The first article “Catholics engaging I personal attacks, says archbishop” reported: “St. Paul, Minn. (CNS)-The ‘fusillade of personal attacks’ in the current presidential campaign is infection the debate over issues among Catholics, said Archbishop Harry J. Flynn of St. Paul-Minneapolis. ‘One wonders why the Christian values of charity toward one another and the American value of fair play have been abandoned,’ he wrote in a Sept 23 column in The Catholic Spirit, his archdiocesan newspaper.

                “ ‘This uncharitable, biased and reckless substitute for what formerly was fair-minded commentary and fact-based dialogue has found its venomous way into our Catholic family,’ he wrote…”103

                The other article, in this same issue, was “Theologian says be careful not judge politicians.”

                John Thavis writes: “Rome (CNS)-It is generally very difficult for theologians to impute sinful behavior to politicians based on their position on abortion, and even more difficult when it comes to voters sad a respected theologian.

                Redemptions Father Brian Johnston, an Australian moral theologian, said that in the current U.S. debate over politics and abortion, church authorities should be careful not to prejudge the consciences of whole categories of people.

                “The circumstances of the abortion-politics issue are often so complex that ultimately it’s the individual Catholic who must weigh all the factors and ‘take personal responsibility for his own seeking the truth,’ Father Johnston said in an interview Sept 23…”104 

October 2, 2004

                I had lunch with “Father Peacock” which was a shift on his locked-pattern to call me. He began by giving me a sullen dig on my priesthood. He said that if they called back priest that left the ministry, ordain Deacon and there would be no shortage of priest. But, he had to finish by expressing with: “Except those who can’t be called back, like you!” He said this with such an angry facial expression. He tried to put me into place I was wondering what was this all about. Was it jealousy of the type of person that I am or what?

                This had me wondering if there was something other major happening to him. He never mentioned anything more of his exploratory procedures that he had gone through in September.

                Then he told me how he was taking a Deacon candidate for a retreat with him to Canada. He had to stress that no on knew that he was doing this. What I realized was that he does this ‘brain controlling” technique with one person at a time approach. It is frightening to watch how he operated. I know he tired to do something similar to me some years back. I fought him off by showing him I was my own person even being on “Administrative Leave.”

                When I hear him going on a “roll” of something, I think how lucky I am able to go back to my place and breathe: Give me a break. This was not possible living in a rectory surrounding.

                I was watching how the “wax was getting harder” with certain clerics that I knew.

I watched an interview with Joe Califano (Secretary of Transportation) where he said that it took him 4 ½ years to write his memoirs.

                It was good to her this because I have been struggling to write my text. I never realized how much material overall I had accumulated in this task. I also learned to type my original daily journal on the computer. Previously, I would long hand write my daily journals. Then I would transfer and type my work on the Word program –computer. I have learned as I went along with this writing. Only this task of immediate computer impute has saved substantial time. 

October 3, 2004

                I had been having sleeping issues of late. I would wake-up at 3:00 a.m. after 5 hours sleep. I would room along and began getting-up at 4:00 a.m. I knew my mind had me currying about being rejected and dumped overall by the diocese. In addition, when I went to lunch once a week with “Father Peacock” and letting him rent space in my head.

                I figured that I would give myself a gift for 60th birthday and clean this out. An example of late was how I carried “Father Peacock” remarks for three days at least. I noticed that I would express a “Poker face” expression when he was ramping. But, there must have been times when my facial expression would show: Give me a break. Who do you think you are kidding expression? I noticed that was when I would get a verbal retaliation.

                I realize that II didn’t need to put-up with this. My only contact overall with Church-Worcester Diocese was at a price. I was gradually realizing this was enough. I was thinking and operation other ways.

October 7, 2004

                I received a birthday card from Mrs. Joanne Curtin: “Dear Father, Add up all the nice things you’ve done, and all the people like me who think so much of you…and you’re one of the wealthiest people I know! Happy Birthday”105

                I received this card and even saved it for my file for one of those times when I get the regular aspect of life when there is “gloom-and-dome” realizing the I am “one of the wealthiest people”

                I have a core of friends and acquaintances where I have to realize makes me being fortunate in many ways.

                I celebrated my 60th birthday and said my daily Mass “In Thanksgiving” because my overall health is good and with the circumstances, things are not that bad. Yes, they could be better. I still have been able to maintain some sense of dignity by realizing that my priesthood has a cost of discipleship. 

October 7, 2004

                I celebrated my 60th birthday this day. I’m glad to be alive and grateful for all the people in my life. This is a true blessing and gift. 

October 8, 2004

                My issue of the National Catholic Reporter arrived and I read John L. Allen, Jr. “Word from Rome” column.

                He writes: “American bishops form the New York area is in Rome this week for their ad lumina visit to the pope and officials of the Roman Curia. I sat down with Bishop Howard Hubbard of Albany at the North American College Oct. 6. Hubbard told me that so far, the sexual abuse crisis has loomed large in conversations with Vatican officials. ‘We were mainly the ones raising the issue.’ Hubbard said. “We wanted to be sure that they understand the challenges we face with the media, the legal system, public elations, and the mood of our people.’

                “From the Vatican side, he said two concerns have surfaced: priestly morale and questions of procedure for priests charged with abuse.

                “‘The encouraged us to take special opportunities to affirms and support our priests, to bond with them in these difficult days.’ Hubbard said.

                “Hubbard said the Vatican is concerned that a priest’s due process rights be honored, and that when a priest is removed form ministry the diocese help him make the transition. This was a major recommendation form a panel of sex abuse experts convened at the Vatican in April 2003, who argued that abandoning a priest after removal from ministry may place him at greater risk of re-offense by exacerbating his economic and psychological stress.

                “In many cases, Hubbard said, removed priest are old enough to be eligible for retirement benefits. In other cases, he said, dioceses have invoked the old category of ‘disabled by canonical impediment’ to keep a priest on she payroll. Hubbard added that no diocese is giving these men non-ministerial assignments, which, he said would both violate the U.S. bishops’ charter and potentially expose the diocese to additional legal liability.

                Hubbard himself has faced accusations of sexual abuse in Albany, though by most accounts he has been cleared. In February, a man claimed that 30 years ago Hubbard abused his brother, who later committed suicide. A second man claimed Hubbard paid him for sex in the 1970s. Hubbard asked a former federal prosecutor to investigate after the logical prosecutor declined and the investigation found ‘nothing to substantiate’ wrongdoing. The retired prosecutor, Mary Jo White, U.S. attorney in Manhattan until 2002, said a lie detector test affirmed the 65-year-old Hubbard’ statement that he never violated his vow of celibacy…”106

                I received in the mail my weekly copy of the Catholic Free Press which carried a supplement.

                The front page of this issue had the story “Diocese adopts Code of Conduct.”

                The reporter Tanya Connor wrote: “Sexual conduct, harassment, boundaries and conflicts of interest are issues addressed by a new diocesan law which goes into effect Tuesday.

                “The new law is called the ‘Code of Ministerial Conduct for the Diocese of Worcester.’ It was developed ‘to articulate the expectations that we have of all who serve in church ministry,’ Bishop McManus said in a letter in the diocese.

                “The code applies to all full time and part-time employees of the diocese when they are on duty, whether or not they have any contact with minors (persons under the age of 18), according to Patricia Engdahl, director of the diocesan Office for Healing and Prevention, which is responsible for implementing the code. She said the code also applies to all volunteers who have regular contact with minors.

                “The code of conduct is part of the Worcester Diocese’s response to a mandate issued to Catholic dioceses and eparchies around the nation in 202 by the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops in their ‘Charter for the Protection of Children and Young People.’

                “Article 6 in the Charter says: ‘While the Priestley’s commitment to the virtue of chastity and the gift of celibacy is well known, thee will be clear and well-published diocesan/eparchial standards of ministerial behavior and appropriate boundaries for clergy and for any other church personal in positions of trust who have regular contact with children and young people.’

                “A decree printed with the new code mentioned both the national Charter and the ‘Policy on the Sexual Abuse of Minors’ which Bishop Reilly decreed on May 30, 2002 as particular law for the Worcester Diocese. Particular law is a law made for a particular territory or group of the faithful. The decree says the new code is also particular law for the Worcester Diocese and is to take effect Oct. 12…”107

                The supplement in this issue of the Catholic Free Press “Code of Ministerial Conduct- the Diocese of Worcester (October 2004)” was a 4 page document.108

                I guess to make the “Decree-In the Name of God” official; you had the present bishop of Worcester’s signature with the Chancellor-Thomas Sullivan. This must be church procedure for “decrees” which we never were taught in the seminary. For that matter, why would we have been taught this because I was in school that prepared priest for pastoral work and not chancery work.  

October 10, 2004

                Kathleen A. Shaw wrote about the “Code” on page B1 of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette with “Diocese code targets abuse.”

                Shaw writes: “The Diocese forecaster, who has face more than a dozen lawsuits in recent years alleging sexual abuse by priests, Friday, issued a formal Code of Ministerial Conduct for all diocesan workers and volunteers who work with children and teenagers.

                “Singed by Bishop Robert J. McManus and Monsignor Thomas J. Sullivan, chancellor, the code takes effect Tuesday and is official diocesan law.

                “Bishop Robert J. McManus published she code Friday in Catholic Free Press and it is posted on the diocesan Web site at The bishop sent letters about it to all parishes. Copies of the code are being forwarded to the parishes and will be available at the Diocesan Ministries Convention on Oct. 15 and 16 at the Worcester Centrum Centr

                “While the code will become law for the diocese Tuesday, a permanent Code of ministerial Conduct will be adopted within one year.

                “The code states that bishops, clergy and deacons, because of the work they do and because of their positions, are held ‘to higher standards of behavior’ than other church workers. Clergy must adhere to the code and must avoid ‘even the appearance of impropriety both inside and outside the scope of their ministry…109

                “Other ‘don’t’: (Seven listed) Physical touching is out, except for a handshake or a high-five. Etc. etc. and etc…”

                I wonder how Jesus would have handled such “don’t” even in this day and age?

                What will be interesting now is how this (“Code”) will be handled by the bishop and certain individuals in the Worcester Diocese. 

October 13, 2004

                Kathleen A. Shaw keeps it going with “Diocese’s new code met with relief” in these days Worcester Telegram & Gazette.

                She writes: “Worcester-A lot of work during the past years went into developing the new Code of Ministerial Conduct for clergy and lay workers in the Diocese of Worcester, according to Patricia O’Leary Engdahl, who heads the Office of Healing and Prevention.

                “The code officially became church law yesterday which will be in effect for a year. The code was issued as an official decree, ‘In the Name of God,’ by Bishop Robert H. McManus and is legally binding, according to diocesan law.

                “The standards set forth in the document are geared not only to protect children from sexual abuse, but also discuss sexual harassment and business practices.

                “For instance, clergy and church workers cannot accept substantial gifts or favors, nor can they solicit personal loans or request financial help from parish members, vendors, parish organizations or employees.

                “They are barred from speaking in sexually explicit way to minors, showing them sexually explicit materials, or providing alcohol or illegal drugs. Church workers should not take minors on overnight trips alone, or allow minors, friends or relatives to live in the rectories.

                “Diocesan officials reported to the bishops’ National Review Board that 45 credible allegations against clergy were made from 1960 to 2003…

                “The code may be new for the Worcester diocese, but many dioceses throughout the country now have such codes, she said. A code of conduct has been mandated under the Charter or the Protection of Children, adopted by the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops in 2002…”110 

October 15, 2004

                I had birthday lunch with a couple parishioners. They told me that I was going to get an invitation to stop in St. Edwards for a tour to see the new choir loft. I was surprised because the Music Director, one of the two, said, while walking away: “don’t forget to stop in and see the choir loft.”

                I was going to mention with these two women how interesting it is that Fr. Kilcoyne said of late a number of times: “The book has been closed on Father Kardas.” This was in relation to him telling of late a number of parishioners who asked how I was doing that: “Father Kardas needed his privacy.”

                What was most interesting in these last expression-needs his privacy- is that I heard this being said by Rueger to people that knew me. Here it was against in such a general fashion of concern? What I sensed was that certain individuals use such a phrase to rid such people. Or it is that Fr. Kardas might tell a story that certain clerics do not want others to hear? It is interesting of the context that it is used. I was reminded that I used this expression in the early stages of when I was removed from the parish duties. I did use it. However, the contexts that I was speaking was that I was concerned how the Worcester Chancery Gang would use or misuse such to state that I was “undermining the bishop” which is grounds of dismissal  and other sanctions that may be formulated by my bishop.

                Kilcoyne was playing a very interesting clerical-political game. I was not part of his group in the diocese. I recall how that last time we spoke with me going back to my car and his snapping at me: “Get your case normalized.”

                My attitude was that the pastor was known to be telling people I knew: “The book has been closed on him (TJK).” I bet certain ones in the diocese need to have such a phrase circulating because I was not wired as they were.

                This “case is closed” made me do a “brainstorming” technique of taking a legal pad to write some reflections. This sounded somewhat like the Survivor program on CBS-Thursday evening with the ending comment by the host: Ted! The tribe has spoken. The host extinguishes the individual’s torch.

However, the list I formulated: 1. Attorney Carey, my civil lawyer, said to me “You can open your case anytime you want.” 2. When the two girls were 12, I was not in New England, 3. Interrogations used on me were “Abu Graib-Iraq style 4. “Guilty till proven innocent.” (Harrington) 5. “Odd” comment by Rueger in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette. 6. One of alleged victims- no deposition? 7. Newspaper- Chancery helped you out comment. Oh? 8. Rueger- For a number of years doing breath smelling technique. 9 PP- Permanent Pastor-my status 10, Defamation of Character- embellishment.11 Worcester’s Sex Ring?

                Then I continued on with another “brainstorming” list of living in the church system that I was living in from the 1970s:  I was not caught-up in self-pity or poor me. I had to deal with a very settle jealousy because I had to do a “tour” on the DEF (Diocesan Expansion Fund-Loans) of the Worcester Diocese. There was a substantial amount of intensity with me evolving with doing a “model parish” with the R.C.I.A. I had to watch the “diversion” technique by a number of my “brothers” and parishioners operating- they want the spotlight in another place than what they are targeting.  Learning that who are your friends and who you hang-out with tells me more-watch when other people want to know that about you. There was so much self-revealing in how I conducted myself. Things were “blowing” in the wind. Being “cute” is a personality character to be especially watched-nothing for nothing. Watch how certain people are so possessiveness of their own “turf.” Watch the use of power and authority. Self-serving-egocentrically. Telling them what the want to hear approach and get lost. Public lily “open” means be very careful of later ramifications. Charm of chauvinism but may be covering-up for something else. Image of “Authority and Power” is show by peacock personalities. Dealing with “The Boys in the Band” in concert. Mother-logy-Priest with their mothers and devotion to the Blessed Virgin Mary. LAZY-do only what has to be done for the priest role. Backbiting, jealousy, ego-control to be recognized by the hierarchy to become a “Monsignor.” Secrecy of the hierarchical system of absolute authority is classic here. (Just brainstorming.) 

                One wonders after seeing such a list if I was speaking of a civil organization as the Rotary or Elks. I am not speaking of membership and being an active member of them. I am speaking of the Roman Catholic Church-American style. It has a long history of surviving and been around with many other questionable operations previously and I’m sure will continue-power and authority issues.

                “The Word from Rome” this week in the National Catholic Reporter by John L. Allen, Jr. contributes: “‘this is the season for the opening of the academic year income, with the annual round of lectures at the pontifical universities. One of the most interesting this year toil place at the Opus Dei-run University of the Holy Cross Oct. 11, where Msgr. Joaquin Llobell of the Faculty of Canon Law delivered the lecture ‘The Judicial Defense of Rights in the Church: Can the Procession be Christian?’

                “Llobell is known as one of the premier canonists in Rome, with a particular interest in questions of procedural justice under the Code of Canon Law. The topic of true process for accused parties undue the penal sections of the code, long a rather obscure topic for canonists has burst into prominence under the weight of the sex abuse scandals especially in the United States.

                “Given that the American sex abuse norms, which some canonists have criticized precisely on due process grounds, come up for the re-approval by Rome in March 2005, Llobell’s presentation opens a window onto how the issues look form here…

                “Llobell cites certain key elements of due process in penal matters:

·          The presumption of innocence;

·          The independence of the tribunal with regard to the authority that created it;

·          The public character of the evidence supporting an accusation’

·          The right of the accused to produce evidence in his defense on a basis of equality with the accuser;

·          The right to have all judicial measures explained; The right to a double level of jurisdiction as a means of appeal

“It’s worth noting that critics of the American norms have at one point or another questioned whether each one of these elements is adequate protection under the American system.

“Llobell argues that neglect of dues process risk grave consequences for the Church…”111

Every one of these points of due process where lacking in my situation. I was told by Bishop Harrington that I was “guilty till proven innocent” and from their on nothing was explained to me even though I had a canon lawyer as Father Lynch said to me: “There is a drag net going through the water and good and bad are being caught-up in it.”111

The 5 key elements of due process were never allowed in my story. I repeated previously what Bishop Harrington told me: “You’re guilty till proven innocent.” This was my whole case and it was closed. So who I believe that I was going to have a fair hearing of some nature? It never happened. I sit in my cave being a priest. It is a priesthood of nothingness-name only.  

October 18, 2004

                Father Richard P. McBrien writes a weekly column and this one caught my eye “The Legion of Christ.” This group I have read about for some time of Father Marcial Marciel Degollado, founder of the Legion of Christ. What I have watched is their connection in Rome and where they run schools as Washington D.C with some very interesting parents sending students to their school.

McBrien writes: “There have been several books published on the sexual-abuse scandal in the Roman Catholic priesthood since the original burst of reports I the media merely three years ago, beginning with the dramatic disclosers in The Boston Globe in January 2002.

“One book stand alone, however, in assigning ultimate blame to the Vatican itself and to the current pontificate: Vows of Silence: The Abuse of Power in the Papacy of John Paul II, by Jason Berry and Gerald Renner (Free Press, 2004).

“Berry is the author of five previous books, one of which. Lead Us Not Into Temptation: Catholic priests and the Sexual Abuse of Children (1992) were among the first to call attention to the growing, but still largely ignored, sexual-abuse problem. Renner was for many years the staff specialist on religion for The Hartford Courant.

“The Berry-Renner Book focuses on two key figures as its framework of analyzing the crisis. One serves as hero of the story: Thomas Doyle, a Dominican priest who once served in the Apostolic Delegation in Washington, D.C. and who has been one of the most dedicated defenders and supporters of victims and survivors of sexual abuse and of their families.

“The other serves as the goat of the story: Father Marcial Maciel Degollado, founder of the Legion of Christ, which is one of the so-called new movements in the Catholic Church that have received special attention and favor during this pontificate.

“Building upon their copyrighted articles published in The Hartford Courant in 1007, Berry and Renner detail the charge that Father Marciel was himself guilty of sexual abuse in the past by quoting nine victims of his unwanted attentions, all ex-Legionaries. The Legion has denied the allegations but the complaints have never been adjudicated by the Vatican.

“With the encouragement of the papal ambassador to Mexico, a canonical case was filed with the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith in 1998, accusing Father Maciel of ‘absolving the sins’ of his victims I confession-an ecclesiastical crime that has no statue of limitations. In late 1999, however, Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, prefect of the Congregation, halted the proceeding without explanation.

“Had Father Marciel been a priest in the United States and accused of sexual abuse by nine former students, he would have been immediately removed from ministry under the U.S. bishops’ 2002 charter for the protection of youth.

“Within the Legion and the Vatican, however, the founder’s status remains secure. Legionaries take vows never to speak ill of him or their other superiors and to report any member who does. Moreover, the pope personally appointed him as a representative to the Synod for the Americas in 1997 and praise him in 2001 at a sixtieth anniversary celebration of the Legion’s founding…”112

I read something as such and should never been surprised of a Harrington, Rueger, and Reilly operation.  

October 20, 2004

                “Diocese urged to negotiate to settle claims: Lawyer calls current offers ‘un-Christian’ appears this day in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette with Kathleen A. Shaw reporting.

                Shaw writes: “Worcester-Boston layer Carmen L. Durso yesterday called on the Diocese of Worcester to bypass the court system and enter into direct negotiations to settle the pending lawsuits alleging clergy sexual abuses.

                “Lawyers representing the diocese are offering as little as $3,000 or $7,500 income of these cases, said Mr. Durso, who represents 10 alleged clergy abuse victims in the Worcester diocese. He called the offers ‘insulting, demeaning and un-Christian.’

                “Mr. Durso said the diocese is adhering to the state’s charitable immunity cap on settlements while other dioceses, including Boston, have waived or modified it to properly compensate victims.

                “James Gavin Reardon Jr., lawyer for the diocese, said the lawyers for plaintiffs are ‘entitled to their opinion’ but he said they and their clients chose to file civil suits and the need to be resolved through the legal system.

                “Mr. Reardon said several suits have been settled and others should be moving to trial by June. He said the cases are moving forward in a professional manner. Some plaintiffs have chosen to settle their suits for the amounts offered while others have not, he added. ‘It’s their rights,’ he said.

                “ ‘I don’t see that as realistic,’ Mr. Reardon said of the lawyers’ request that direct negotiations open with the diocese. ‘These civil sits need to be resolved,’ he added.

                “A graduate of the College of the Holy Cross, Mr. Durso referred to a Catholic doctrine of restorative justice that teaches that a Christian who has wronged another person has a responsibility to make adequate compensation.

                “Mr. Durso, joined by layers Daniel J. Shea of Houston (Here’s Shea) and Nancy Lyons of Boston during a press conference, said his research shows Worcester is making the lowest settlement offers of any diocese in the United States and the world…”113 

October 22, 2004

                The National Catholic Reporter printed “First church trails for priests set for New Orleans.”

                This becomes interest to report because “trails” have been going on for over a decade. However, the media reports such a story. One has to consider the date of 2002 in which one reads “since the sex abuse controversy broke nationwide in 2002.”

                The article states: “New Orleans-The Vatican has ordered church trails in the cases of three New Orleans priest accused of sexual abusing minors and said that Archbishop Alfred Hughes will handle a fourth case administratively. The trials will be the first to be held locally since the sexual abuse controversy broke nationwide in 2002/

                “After first refusing to name the priest, who will be tried, claiming that disclosure could compromise the rights of the accused and the complainant archdiocesan spokesman Fr. William Maestri reversed himself and released the name Oct. 12.

                Fr. Michael Fraser, Gerald Kinane and Bernard Schmaltz are expected to undergo secret church trails in coming months to determine the validity of charges that they molested boys while acting as priests…114

                Was my case handling “administratively” by Harrington and Reilly with Auxiliary Bishop Rueger the “Clerk-of-the-Court”? Pedone must have been the “High Attorney”?  The point of interest: “You’re guilty till proven innocent.” (Harrington)

                 I heard an interview with John L. Allen, Jr. of the National Catholic Reporter saying that the American Catholic Church is planted in Rome’ thinking as radically individualistic, pragmatic and capitalist. I think American as having Calvinistic mentality but American Catholic in USA culture of Rome thinking in the image the people have a rigid hierarchy and ultra centralized in Rome. 

October 29, 2004

                I saw an ad on TV which showed a group starring at a piece of paper on the ground saying: How awful! A guy come along and picks the paper of the group and drops it into the waste deposal and conatus on without a word.  It then shows on the screen: Do something about it.

                This I was saving to use with “Father Peacock” when he starts his winning. But, maybe not. It won’t make much difference with this guy. This was something about my make-up: Do something about it if you are in the position to correct or add to a particular situation or process.

The National Catholic Reporter prints “Key changes in bishop’s abuse policy review board” that was written by Joe Feuerherd of the NCR staff-Washington.

His article says: “More than tow years after the U.S. bishops appointed a lay-run board to oversee implementation of their child-protection plans and investigate the causes of the clergy sex abuse crisis, it is transition time. Key member are leaving the panel, which since its inception has tried to balance its need for information and cooperation form bishops wit its desire to be independent.

                “On Oct. 15, Bishop Wilton Gregory, president of the u.s. Conference of Catholic Bishops, name five new members to the National Review Board and elevated a current member, Duquesne University Law School Dean Nicholas Cafardi, as chairman of the 14-member panel. Among the five departing members is Anne Burke, the Illinois Court of Appeal Justice who stepped in as interim chair after the forced departure of former Oklahoma Gov. Frank Keating. Others leaving the board include former White House chief of staff Leon Panetta, E.W. Scripps Co. chairman William Burleigh and Washington attorney Robert Bennett, who is credited with shepherding to completion the “Bennett Report” on the causes and context of the crisis.

                “What makes the personnel changes significant ‘is not just the fact that we have five new board members, but that the most visible and seemingly active board members are stepping down,’ said victims' advocate David Clohessy, executive director of SNAP, the Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests. ‘Our worry is that it seems to take some time before [board members] become sufficiently skeptical of the bishops. It’s not so much a learning curve. As it is a skepticism curve…”115

                What I heard form a few clergy on this issue was that Rome was not pleased at all with a “lay membership” committee. Besides Rome, the priests making that statement are pastors that do not have “Parish Councils” or very selective few lay people on any of their parish projects-forget committees. I’m speaking 2004 Worcester Diocese.

                What I thought about again, was how the hierarchical system was walking this whole procedure with the overall aspect of never having to have to do such a procedure with clergy and themselves. Actually, it was the “Paint-by-the-numbers” approach.  

October 2004

                I was reading an issue of Pipeline which is a monthly publication of NH Area 43 Assembly of AA. This issue front page article “Fear, Too, Will Pass.”

                It reads: “I wondered, ‘Will I have enough money s that I can great and pay my rent when I am too old to work? Will they give me my Social Security? How will I ever manage in my old age?’

                Those worrisome questions began to assail me when I was not long out of my twenties and brand-new in AA. (There were those who used to warn me before AA. of dealing with authority. But in those days I had a surefire way of dealing with them: I took another drink.)

                “Occasionally, I would get up the nerve to mention one of those worries at my home group. How tolerant and how patient AA people are! Nobody said boo to me. Instead, they attracted me back to the present by their power of example. They assured me that today was the day to do as much as I possibly could for my recovery’s sake. Tomorrow, when it came, would take care of itself.

                “By their acceptance of my fear of tomorrow and by their gentleness, the group was also helping me to get over my fear of people.

                “There is a promise contained in the sixth chapter of Alcoholic Anonymous that says, ‘Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.’ (Yes, I had this to some degree. However, I was thinking that I was practical with a degree of anonymity of being who I was and the circumstances of this day and age and society we live in.-TJK) I knew nothing about it in my early years. Nonetheless, the spirit of AA people promoted the promise of every meeting; their willingness to talk to me on the phone was a constant reaffirming of the promise; and the fellowship they offered even at ‘after-coffee coffee’ kept chipping away at the wall of isolation I had been building most of my life…”116

                It was such readings and hearing such stories that I continued to have an AA program of two meetings a week with one on the 12 Steps and the other was a discussion meeting.

                Fear prevailed in me before and in some sense still does with my thinking that one does not know what tomorrow will bring. Nevertheless, I maintained a better spirit with AA, even though I maintained my anonymity overall. AA has been a tremendous aid in my spiritual and religious undertakings being a priest.  

November 4, 2004

                I was re-reading my writings from 1998 to 2004 and noticed that I wrote with more explanation than of later times. I did notice that of late that the articles I are in my work that had given more explanation to so many factors that I had no knowledge of the bigger picture: Ex,: Bishop Reilly didn’t remove some priest until there was a second allegation?

                Certain terms I noticed terms and concepts used by the hierarchy and civil lawyers that gave some understanding what the legal and canonical procedures used against me and others.  

November 5, 2004

                I had been of late been able to describe what my experience of being in the seminary for eight years and 23 years in active ministry of what I felt, experienced and tried to survive: You have to live in the Catholic Church atmosphere of the 1960s to the present time to even sense of what it was like to be priest. It was a different mindset from the theoretical-book knowledge-to the practical rectory living and parish work with a pastor and you were the “curate” (altar boy or junior). There was the certain “gossip group” of priest that were “kicking” to separate groups. There was also the wonderment of who the other guy you were working or classmate with as priest heading with his vocation. They, meanwhile, were watching me. One thing that was a silent code between my classmates of newly ordained would be leaving the priesthood. It was a time that the numbers of priests leaving to get married or just cashing-in and departing which was at some interesting numbers by the general population of priest.

                There was never any talk that there was a gay element in the priesthood and never mentioned of the significant proportion being in that orientation. The only thing that I had my eyes open to this was the feminist of certain priest with characteristics that were different when you became more acquainted. Gay priesthood was never mentioned in my circle of classmates or parishioners because it was an issue that no one wanted to hears. When you spoke to a Catholic and the vocation of the priesthood is understood as a calling to be another Christ. I understood that with this, you were asked to sacrifice. Who doesn’t sacrifice in any vocation or profession I life? The Catholic priesthood during the years I mentioned with the Vietnam War had a safe haven and a path that had respect and comfortable pew in the society that we live. Then there is the issue of “power and authority” of either a hierarchical or servant orientation. There was a change with the Second Vatican Council but back I the rectory it was the old guard keeping the fortress mentality of distinction of clericalism and the layperson as the People of God. There was a tension that was so shuttle that you never were sure where you were going to get reprimanded by the pastor or some parishioner saying they are leaving the parish because of “you Father.” It was a time at first at ordination that the birth control debate was in full bloom in conflict with “conscience formation.” Oh! The beginning of my priesthood and for a number of years, I was “Massed-to-Death.” It was saying three or four Masses a weekend and the priest was the only one to give Communion during Mass. So, if you were not saying Mass, you had to be in the sacristy waiting to run out on the altar at Communion time to distribute the Eucharist. It was as though I was on a spin-wheel constantly going and not watching and sensing the undertow. 

November 6, 2004

                I was somewhat wondering what was happening with the latest “chatter” in the media and otherwise: The priesthood is a gay profession. I heard this from a relative and reading a review in the National Catholic Reporter by Paul Philibert, a Dominican priest and visiting professor at Aquinas Institute of theology in St. Louis. In this review by Philibert of Fr. Andrew M. Greeley’s book of 2004, Priests: a Calling in Crisis was somewhat interesting. I was surprised to read-unmentionable topic. I went on the Internet and entered the Search Engine- Google. I typed in the title of this book “Priests: A calling In Crisis.” Well, it had 6,370 sources to click-on.  I purchased this book for my personal library.

                This review had the title: “Debunking stereo types about priestly if” which I re-read with eyes opened. Philibert writes about Greeley covers the “impact of the clerical crisis of 2002” in this book.

                He begins by referring to a number of sociological studies since 1985 and two other studies and says: “All three of these predications (sociological studies), which initially meat with widespread denial, have been realized almost exact as predicated.”

                Here Philibert goes at Greeley’s latest bood Priests. He describes: “It is the prophetic outcry of a public intellectual who want to weigh in o the significance of the scandal with empirically base interpretations of its impact for the future.” Greeley debunks a number of points of Eugene Kennedy, Richard Sipe and Peter McDonough and Eugene C. Bianchi. Greeley goes out of his way to diminish the mythological insufficiency of each of them: “The rules of the game say that you don’t make estimates unless you have representative samples.”

                The review goes on to say that Greeley is doing due to the impact of the clergy crisis of 2002 (This has been going on for me since 1993). This review goes on to explain the chapter on “Sexual Orientation and Celibacy” in which there are two surveys done by the research division of the Los Angles Times, sampling 2,064 priests in 1993 and 1, 854 priests in 2002.

                I heard about this book of Greeley on a Boston talk radio show while I was driving on morning. I listened in that it was said that most priest will not truthfully answer any questioner honestly. So, these Los Angles Times surveys of 1993 and 2002 have data that one immediately question because of the people (priest) addressed and the climate of the times.

                Now, what becomes interesting in this was that I did not hear the beginning of the program and who was making the statement. I for one did hear from four priests tell me that they never answer any surveys or questioners-no matter what. I am one that will ask a person when they say something of issue: What was your source? What contents was this said in? When was it said?

                Back to the review by Philibert in he writes that one of the most important sections of the Priests is that it addresses the laity’s negative evaluation clergy performance and that celibacy has nothing to do with the present crisis. A number of the reviews on the Internet wish to disagree with this answer in that it is major part of the crisis.

                Another issue by Philibert writing: “Greeley is uniformly harsh in his judgment of the newest cohort of priests for what he see as their inflexibility and smug resistance to theological ideas and pastoral experience.” I have heard and see this during my time. But, it is the same with laypeople in general of the generation of late-black and white answers to issues.

                Philibert concludes his review: “After all his (Greeley) efforts to brainstorm possible solutions, the author concluded with words that sound much like an eulogy, that is, I think, a good way for me to conclude as well: ‘In the short run I anticipate a practice to 2002 like that to the birth-control encyclical-a decline in church attendance and a decline in financial contributions but o mass exodus from Catholicism. Catholics, very angry Catholics, still like being Catholic.’ “

                There was all of this in the 1980s and didn’t need a new “crisis” to form a new prediction.  

November 7, 2004

                I noticed when someone asks me what I have been doing. I respond that I have been writing my three volume autobiography. Coded language: Get lost. A lot of people are ding psychobabble. There is this questioning of the day that out due the psychobabbles. It is as though one has to do a Catch-22 sequence and use silence or one word/phrase as the golden rule.

                I noticed this day that when I began my computer that I was experiencing an anxiety reaction that was similar to July 2004 reading how Archbishop O’Malley was seeking a trail of priest in Rome on sexual abuse. It upset my stomach them and I likewise was reacting. This has not happened for a long period of time that I was feeling as such. This may be partially due to the fact that I was focused on the “power and authority” umbrella. 

November 8, 2004

                I received a (form) letter from Bishop McManus informing me that Father George Ridick has been appointed to be the Bishop’s Liaison to Priests on Leave due to Allegations of Sexual Misconduct.117

                Enclosed was a one page “position description” with responsibilities. My eyes opened when I read “Maintain regular*: Depending on risk-assessment, some of these priests may be in need of more frequent contact (i.e., monthly and or in person). All priests should be visited in persona on at least a periodic basis.”118

                We shall see. I never been contacted or visited by anyone since I was sent to Hartford for an evaluation. 

November 12, 2004

                I was having trouble with my computer and telephone for the last few days. I was squirrelly in getting anything accomplished on my writing because the telephone issue was erratic. It did slow me down in waiting for the telephone repairman.

                I had one of those peculiar experiences this day having lunch with “Father Peacock.” We were sitting and talking and suddenly the thought ran through my head: Oh God! This guy was lobbying (hoping) to become the liaison for priest on Leave of Absence due to sexual abuse in the Worcester Diocese.

                He had been toying me along for information of what was happening to me. He was so coy in seeking any type of information. He was “helpful” in giving me an Ordo (Priest Mass/Divine Office Guide) annually. He kept weekly contact by having lunch or coffee on Sundays according to his pace; take me for a ride to pick-up items at the Trappist Monastery in Spencer, Massachusetts.

                All this time, he was doing errands for himself but “reaching out” to a fellow priest. Whenever, we were at lunch he made sure he took the slip for his deduction and records. He would say very little of what was happening in the diocese or develop a conversation of doctrine or pastoral matters. He, always, had a line of “Oh! I threw that into the waster basket.” Whenever I asked him for a certain publication that I knew he received. He didn’t want to be bothered to share anything he read or obtained. This was a masked language in that he was going to talk about whatever topic he wanted to do. Also, I would never call him because he had no answering machine and whenever he did answer; his voice was so harsh in relating: How dare you call.

                Than there was the famous and notorious “last supper” on this Friday noontime. This was just before he was leaving for Canada for another one of those three weeks of “away.” He made a number of derogatory remarks towards me. One was: “We don’t need guys like you-in the priesthood!” Then I did not hear from him since this time.

                I knew since this Friday lunch that he knew about Fr. George Ridick’a appointment to the Laison to Priest on Leave of Absence. He was “unofficially lobbying” for this position because most likely it would have attached in the future a “Monsignor” recognition. “Father Peacock” only did anything special if he would be recognized for such a position: Teaching the Deacons certain dogma classes, being a Dean for the area that we were parish assigned, work on the Marriage Tribunal as a “judge” and trying to be “priest executor” for guys in their time of death. This guy only did things that would make such a contribution that the bishop would recognize after a certain period of time what his craving of becoming a “Monsignor.” It was something to watch such a character operating-positioning and making no mistakes with the Chancery policies-certain one and not all- that he thought would get him to his goal.

                “Father Peacock” was showing his strips of paranoia, obsession, controlling personality besides being self-destructive and cruel. I did realize how self-absorbed in his own agenda and priorities with very little difference for anyone else. There was, besides such mentioned an attitude of a lack of complacency dominated by being self-absorbed and arrogant. It was practically my only contact with the official church. Yet, I paid a price for this. I was realizing more than ever than I didn’t even need this. The price, on my part, was taking away from who I was as a person.

                I recall hearing a story from a classmate of mine who was from PA coal mine region. He would talk how theme that worked the mines would have a canary in cage in front of them while working extracting coal. If the canary died, the message was: Run like crazy for the exits-poison gas. I believe that was what happened for me at my “last supper” with “Father Peacock.” The canary died. I ran.  

November 13, 2004

                “Voice of Faithful meet” appear on p. A5 of this issue of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette.

                Kathleen A. Shaw writes: “Worcester-Hundreds of Catholics from throughout New England began descending on the city last night in preparation for a conference today to discuss the current state of the Roman Catholic Church, as Voice of the Faithful is bringing people together to examine the road to renewal and reform in the church.

                “Voice of the Faithful, a national organization of laity and clergy that formed as the full force of the sexual abuse scandal hit in 2002, is holding what it calls a major conference on ‘It’s Not History, It’s Time for Renewal’ from 8:45 a.m. to 5 p.m. today at the DCU Center.

                “Voice of the Faithful leadership said that despite the comment last February by Bishop Wilton D. Gregory, outgoing president of the U.S. Catholic Bishops, that the scandal was now ‘history,’ the crisis is far from being history…”119

                I sent a copy of the letter as guideline to Dr. Zeman with a note that we may talk about this on my next appointment- Dec. 9th.

                The phrase “someone to help” was only words. It was the Chancery system in typical form and was only words. If they showed me any concern, I would be very skeptical of what were they really trying to do. 

November 14, 2004

                Kathleen A. Shaw continues reporting in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette “Priest calls Catholic Church ‘evil’ at Voice of the Faithful gathering.”

                She writes: “Worcester-The Rev. James J. Scahill, a parish priest in East Longmeadow, yesterday said the Roman Catholic Church is ‘not the church of Jesus Christ’ and has become ‘insidiously evil.’

                “He put the blame on the hierarchy of the church which he said is ‘interested in power, its own power,’ and said nothing will change until Catholic laypeople withhold their offerings.

                “‘At least the Mafia is at front,’ he said. ‘The churches insidious’

                “His remarks came as American bishops are gathering in Washington, D.C., for their fall meeting. Election of one of them to head the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops tops the agenda. Bishop Wilton Gregory of Bellville, Ill., has finished his term.

                “Catholics need to begin a grass-roots campaign to bring about reform, starting with their own parish priests, many of whom have remained silent during the clergy sexual abuse scandal that has gripped the church since 2002, he said. Rev. Scahill suggested that laity become more aggressive in demanding their priests become active.

                “Rev. Scahill, pastor of St. Michael’s Parish in the Diocese of Springfield, was in Worcester to accept the Priest of Integrity Award from Voice of the Faithful, which held its New England conference at the DCU Center. More than 500 Catholics form the New England states, including a handful from the Diocese of Worcester, attended the day-long event, which ended with a Mass. VOTF is a national organization of Catholics who remain in the church but seek justice for victims of clergy abuse, honor what it calls priests of integrity, and work to bring about reforms in the church.

                “Although VOTF members stay in the church, the Rev. Thomas P. Doyle, O.P., the priest who first alerted American bishops to the growing sexual abuse crisis in the church in the mid-1980s, said 40 percent of the people in Protestant churches are former Catholics.

                “ ‘And the bishops don’t give a damn,’ he said…”120 

November 14, 2004

                Well, I had my second accident in my driving career. It occurred in Rindge, NH returning from my regular Tuesday night AA meeting. It was my fault. I was following another car that was in the left lane and turning. I was looking at the green light in this left turn lane where it was not the lane to travel forward. Suddenly, after the car in front of me turned left, I entered the intersection and I hit car entering from my right-who the respective green light. Bang.  Neither the driver of the other car or me were hurt or needed medical attention. Our cars had to be towed.

It was my fault mainly due to the fact that I was not paying attention.

                I was reflecting with a number of issues. One was the letter I received from Bishop McManus and the guideline for priest on Leave of Absence due to sexual abuse. The other was how I had in my mind one individual at this Tuesday meeting bragging own 11 years ago  at this same meeting that he was going to take his car and commit suicide with his car by crashing it. I crashed 11 years later with my accident. This guy’s story, I recall very specifically because I was at that meeting. I did not say anything after to him. I recalled that time of 11 years ago due to the fact that I drove away from that meeting wondering if he was behind me-because same road was being traveled-with his desires that he expressed in the meeting.

                So, I realize that it is not an excuse and realizing it was my fault in this accident. But, it was a good wake-up signal for me to sharpen my thinking when driving and at all times possible.                

November 15, 2004

                The Associated Press reporter Rachael Zoll reported “Dioceses still reeling as bishops meeting opens” in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette.

                He writes: “Washington-The nation’s Roman Catholic bishops are holding their fall meeting this week during troubled times for the U.S. church.

                “Two dioceses have declared bankruptcy in the face of millions of dollars in clergy sex abuse claims and a third plans to file at the end of this month. More dioceses are expected to follow.

                “the presidential election exposed deep divisions among bishops over how they should respond to Catholic politicians-and to all Catholics-who are at odds with church teaching on abortion another issues.

                “And as the meeting opens today, the customarily routine transition that occurs every three years in the leadership of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops has bee sullied by fallout from the molestation scandal.

                “ ‘The bishops are very anxious,’ said Russell Shaw, a Catholic writer and former spokesman for the bishop’s conference…”121               

November 17, 2004

                “Catholic priest and the laity must move forward carefully” by Kenneth J. Moynihan writes in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette: “How do you run an authoritarian institution in a democratic society? The answer should probably be ‘Verrrry careful.’

                “That clash of political cultures within the Roman Catholic Church resounded against last weekend when nearly 1,000 members of the Voice of the Faithful (VOTF) gathered in Worcester to boost one another’s spirits and to make plans. The group defines itself as an organization of faithful Catholics seeking justice for victims of clerical abuse, honoring ‘priests of integrity,’ and working for reforms in the church. From a political perspective, these are the folks who think a healthy dose of democracy would be good for the church.

                “The forces of authority are fed by the hierarchy of the church, especially the bishop who exercise virtually unlimited jurisdiction over their dioceses. In matters religious, they are accountable only to the Vatican, over which a sovereign reigns in the person of Pope John Paul II. Catholic teaching hold that the people is infallible when he speaks as head of the church on matters of faith and morals. Despite-or perhaps because of-the wall of authority that surrounds them, church authorities in the wake of the clergy sex-abuse scandal have been having trouble inspiring confidence in their leadership…”122 

November 19, 2004

                The National Catholic Reporter prints “Study finds laity wants more openness after sexual abuse scandal” by David Briggs of the Religious News Service.

                Briggs writes: “The sexual abuse scandal is creating a historic shift in relations between American Catholics and their church hierarchy.

                “In the first comprehensive national study of the effects of the sexual abuse scandal, researchers at The Catholic University found nearly four of five people in the pews sad they were ashamed and embarrassed for their church, and nearly three-quarters said the failure of bishops to stop the abuse is a bigger problem than the abuse itself.

                “Anger in the pews toward church leaders so far is having little effect on Choices’ commitment to their church, however. Respondents reported only a slight decline in attendance and giving as a result of the scandal; more than  four in five report that being Catholic remains very important to them personally.

                “But what the results indicate is that while the church itself remains intact, the sexual abuse scandal is shaping up to be a seminal moment in how Catholics view the authority of bishops, some observers said.

                “ ‘The development of lay organizations such as voice of the Faithful demanding accountability and openness to me represents a new day. It’s new in my life,’ said Catholic University sociologist Dean Hoge.

                “Joseph Kelly, chairman of the religious studies department at John Carroll University, said, ‘it was a shocker’ for Catholics to learn that the people they trusted to take care of the sexual abuse crisis were covering it up. “ ‘I think the issue of trust will be around longer than the abuse things,’ he said.

                “The study originated last years with a committee of leaders at the University of More Dame seeking a benchmark survey of lay Catholics in the United States. Two of the nation’s most respected Catholic researchers, Hoge and Purdue University sociologist James Davidson, let the national telephone survey conducted in the fall of 2003 of 1,119 adult Catholics. The results have a margin of error of plus or minus 3.5 percentage points.

                “More than the priest shortage or any other crisis in the church today, Catholic lay people say the most serious problems facing the Catholic church in the United States are the scandal of priests sexually abusing minors and the perceived cover-ups by bishops…”123 

November 20, 2004

                I had a conversation with a former parishioner who had some background in social justice from her day in Pennsylvania at the Post Office. She asked me: What happened to forgiveness, hope, peace and justice from our Church? I did say it, but wanted too-It is all about money and who you know in the “Power and Authority” system.

                The Sentinel & Enterprise of Fitchburg carried on its front page “ ‘Father Rich’ taking leave of absence: Taking six month break due to medical reasons.”

                Dorothy Schroeder wrote: “Fitchburg-Father Rich Lewandowski will begin a six-month medical leave of absence next week after celebrating a final Thanksgiving morning mass at St. Camillus Church.

                “‘During that time I’m going to do some body and mind and spiritual growth,’ he said.

                “Lewandowski, who is well-known throughout the community as ‘Father Rich,’ said he’s suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. PTSD is a psychological disorder that can occur when a person experiences life-altering events.

                “‘It’s due to various losses that have occurred in my life over time,’ Father Lewandowski said, adding that some of the events have happened recently but some are older experiences.

                “He said even the though the medical leave is necessary, he will be anxious to get back to his parish and his post in the Newman Center at Fitchburg State College.

                “‘In the time I am away, I will keep you in my memories and prayers,’ he wrote in a letter these parishioners this week. ‘I ask that if you please sent a prayer my way.’

                “As of Friday, Father Lewandowski said ‘the plan is to come back to this area,’ after his time off…”124

                Father Lewandowski is history. Knowing what I know-which is very little in regards to the hierarchy and priest- there is another story here and we will never-most likely- ever know about it. 

November 22, 2004

                I noticed this particular day an interesting insight. I was more relaxed and comfortable with myself. I had been invited to go out for lunch with the Keenas’. I recall leaving the bathroom and being so much more relaxed than I have been for a significant period of time. I felt this comfortable feeling being so much different in mind and body than going and being away from “Father Peacock” for some time at this point.

                This had me wondering in that I don’t believe I hit a real depression overall with what I had gone through. I did the denial, anger and bargaining route but not the deep depression and being medicated for it. Possibly, one of my saving ways was that I persisted to ask questions, even though they might not all have been the right questions. It does not mean that anyone in the proper authority heard them or if they did respond in any manner. I was and still am standing.

                Kathleen A. Shaw of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette had on the front page “Diocese still support priests unleashed for abuse allegations.”

                She writes: “Worcester-The Diocese of Worcester continues to support a number of priests placed on leave because of sexual misconduct allegations, including the Rev. Thomas A. Kane, director of the former House of Affirmation, who was fired amid fiscal irregularities at the Whitinsville facility.

                “Bishop Robert J. McManus said in a statement Friday that the diocese is reviewing its policies on support for priests on leave because of sexual abuse allegations, but said canon law requires the diocese to continue support to priests who need help.

                “Bishop Daniel P. Reilly, former head of the Worcester Diocese, said in a deposition and under questioning from lawyers Tahira Khan Merritt of Dallas that the money comes from the priest assistance fund. The priests, by canon law are entitled to money to meet their needs, including medical insurance, he said. He did not say exactly how many priests are receiving money. Bishop Reilly reported in February that 45 priests have been accused of misconduct since 1950, although some have since died.

                “The diocesan records for dismal 2003 show more than $270,000 in the priest’s assistance fund. Bishop Reilly said this money does not go to retired priests, who are in a separate fund.

                “Raymond L. Delisle, spokesman for the diocese, said the money in the priest assistance fund is also used for other things besides accused priests.

                “He said priest in good standing with the church can be helped through the fund, when they are on leave because of health or other personal circumstances unrelated to allegations of misconduct. The financial help each priest get is decided on a case-by-case basis, he said…”125

                Well, let’s not forget that I asked Bishop Reilly in 2002 for assistance in rent category for which I receive $200 a month. He said to me that should not be a problem. Well, nothing ever was done concerning this or anything else.  

November 26, 2004

                The “Editorial Page” of the National Catholic Reporter reports “Bishops seek a reprieve.”

                It states: “Our bishops, it seems want a time-out.

                “At their Nov. 15-17 meeting (it was to run to Nov. 18, but they managed to complete their agenda a day early), the body of bishops laid out plans for the future of their conference. Bottom line: less public discussion of pressing issues, more private time to contemplate such pastoral concerns as priestly formation and the centrality of the Eucharist, fewer statements on what many perceive as secondary issues, and tighter rein on their bureaucracy.

                “People of goodwill may differ on the merits of each of these inclinations. The bishops, for example, are certainly entitled to time together, outside the spotlight, to share experiences and formulate positions. They are after all, colleagues, and it’s hard to be collegial when a few members steal the public misstatement or mischaracterization leads to silence. Plus, the world won’t suffer much if our church leaders decide that their collective opinion on this or that hot topic will not be forthcoming and bureaucracies being what they are, it is hard to argue with the nation that priorities must be established and budgets adhered to.

                “But, taken together, and in the context of the last three years, these individual notions paint a disturbing picture. And, of course, it all goes back to the problem that won’t go away.

                “The clergy sex abuse crisis is for Catholics like desert sand that get into everything. It annoys and blinds and at times makes things break down. You might want to ignore it but it won’t allow you to …”126 

December 1, 2004

                Would I ever be able to use, in my case, unspecified damages for defamation slander and emotional damages and stress in court paper? I was never given the advice of what I may have been able to do. Attorney Carey did say, in what seemed a passing remark that I had a case anytime that I wanted to process in a civil suit.

                I read in Life’s Little Instructions for this day: Remain optimistic-all hope depends on it. Yah! 

December 2, 2004

                Finally, I have come to writing the text section for 2002. I have been working on the text besides doing research, daily journaling. I started with this writing to break down my initial text writing in sorting the overall articles for that respect year, then I would review these articles a second time and chose which were most pertinent to my story in the Worcester Diocese and related stories to substantiate the picture I was attempting to report. I, then, would enter the specific articles into the computer. After this, I would bring-up my journal from that year, split the Windows screen and write the text-Preface Year. The last step for this year-section would be footnotes which I did in longhand and type them separately when I finished my overall text writing. It has helped to speed-up the overall work. It was as though I was working in block sections and helped me set certain objectives during the day and week. I felt that I was processing and accomplishing more overall work.

                I noticed this day my thoughts of preparing to deal with Step #4 during this Thursday’s meeting. I was thinking of working through the phase of “uncovering” and “discovering. I have been told that I should have a clearer understanding of myself during Step $4. I should be able to recognize many things I did for the wrong reason and other things that I did for the right reason as a part of my frame of reference. Then I should be on a whole new course. I should come to the enable my experiences in much more satisfying existence. If there is any fear of discovering different areas of one’s life, one examines valuable spots. I, eventually, will see myself as productive and worthwhile human being. Rediscovery is an on going process and not a singular event.

                So, the meeting became directed with Sept #4 phrase: We thought ‘conditions’ drive us to drinking and when we tried to correct those conditions and point that we couldn’t  to our entire satisfaction, our drinking event went out of hand and we became an alcoholic. It never occurred to me that we needed to change ourselves to meet the conditions, whatever they were (12 Steps and! 2 Traditions on page 47).

                This was me but “to meet the conditions” whatever were in my life and the Church as the Second Vatican Council, renewal in changes and transformation had an affect. However, I had to deal with a hierarchical model that operated in a vertical manner of top down decisions. 

December 7, 2004

                This day the Worcester Telegram & Gazette gives us “Lawyers for diocese want sex-abuses case dismissed” on page B2 by Gary Murray.

                He writes: “Worcester-Lawyers for the Worcester Catholic Diocese are asking a judge to dismiss several clergy sexual abuse lawsuits pending against the diocese in Worcester Superior Court.

                “A hearing was held yesterday on a motion filed by Attorney Goulka, a lawyer for the diocese, seeking dismissal of the claims against the diocese on First Amendment grounds. In the alternative, the diocese is asking that the court enter a partial summary judgment in its favor on the basis of the charitable immunity doctrine.

                “Summary judgment is a judgment issued without the necessity of trail on the basis of uncontroversial facts as disclosed by the pleadings I a case.

                “Lawyers for the plaintiffs in the pending cases opposed the requests of the diocese, which were taken under advisement by Judge Jeffrey A. Locke.

                “In her argument for dismissal yesterday, Ms. Goulka said civil courts lack jurisdiction to decide disputes involving issues of religious doctrine, discipline, faith or internal organization including matters relating to ‘the ecclesiastical relationship between the priest and the bishop,’ Ms. Goulka argued that the lack of jurisdiction extended to the supervisory role bishops have over priests.

                “Carmen L. Durso, one of the plaintiffs’ lawyers, sad there was no First Amendment protection for the diocese in the context of the cases before the court because the allegations that negligent supervision allowed the abuse to continue ‘have nothing to do with core beliefs.’

                “” ‘We’re talking about acts, not beliefs, and we’re talking about the rights of children,’ Mr. Durso told the judge.

                “As an alternative to dismissal, Ms. Goulka asked the court to rule that the diocese was absolutely immune from liability for any torts committed before Sept. 16, 1971, on grounds of chartable immunity and that damages for torts found to have been committed after that date but limited to $20,000.”127 

December 9, 2004

                I had my regular “check-in” with Doctor Zeman in Hartford. He made a very interesting remark, again to me: “Bishop Rueger was allegated.” He has done this a number of times in the last few appointments. I began to realize that it was his way to get a more interesting reaction than I was obviously giving. I may be wrong. He did not make many statements to me in an appointment. This time, I did mention how the Worcester Diocese handled Rueger’s allegation and proclaimed Rueger “immaculate.” I related how Monsignor Sullivan was reported to have taken a “stash of money” to Rueger’s alleged victim. Nothing more was reported and or even rumored. It was a topic in the diocese that was “tight-as-a-clam” issue. I recall mentioning how Sullivan was reported saying in an interview that 99% of allegations are true-Rueger must be the 1%.

                It was an interesting statement by Doctor Zeman. It had me wondering on my drive back-1 ¾ hours-to my place how he raised this Rueger issue a number of times of late. 

December 10, 2004

                I finished reading The Pontiff in the Winter by John Cornwell (2004). The notes of this work show what I was hearing for some time about the sex abuse crisis. A few lines from this work: “Inevitably, the history of this period will note that the crisis erupted during John Paul’s watch, a period in which he presided over and increase income’s authority and a decrease indicant authority. He (JPII) should not escape censor for his failure to see the early signs of the crisis and to act appropriately.” (p.238) another line of this same page: “This past quarter century, the period of his pontificate, will be remembered above all for the priestly sexual abuse scandal and it’s far reaching consequences.” Another line: “The Church was going to continue to deal with internal matters in an internal way. The Church would marinade its ‘secret canonical norms’ so as to avoid a ‘culture of suspension.’ (p.231). In addition: “The conservatives were blaming the era of post-Vatican II permissiveness, hedonism, widespread laity, and the infiltration of homosexuals into the priesthood. The progressives or liberals were arguing that the decisions of Vatican II has not been applied; that the bishops and laity been rendered immature and irresponsible by an authorial, highly centralized Holy See; this in turn, they (Church) had encouraged a generation of clerics in arrested development at a time when permissiveness was pervasive in society-at-large. (p.228). another line: “He (JP) II used a few words of Ukrainian, a language the Poles thought to despise as fit ‘only for animals.’ “(p. 296). This book had Chapter 28 entitled “The Sexual Abuse Scandal” which was pages 222-238-a total of 16 pages with no new insights by the author on this topic than what had been reported in the secular press. It was a different reading of this author of John Paul II pontificate because so much was written about him as “The Great” and this work showed another viewpoint.

                The National Catholic Reporter “Editorial” for this day was “Misplaced papal praise.”

                It stated: “Like president, potentate or prime minister, or a pope spend his time and with whom he chooses to spend it, is significant. At a minimum it sends a signal-which is in or out of favor, whose ideas have proved triumphant, who, bottom line, has the man’s ear.

                “Style over substance? Perhaps. But still important.

                “Which brings us to with whom Pope John Paul II chose to spend time Nov. 30: Fr. Marcial Maciel Degollado, founder of the Legionaries of Christ? As readers of this publication are aware, Marciel is a papal favorite. The Legionaries, with 500 priests and 2,000 seminarians, shares John Paul II’s theological outlook. At the closing celebration of events marking the 60th anniversary of Marcel’s ordination, the people heaped praise on the Mexican priest and honored the work of the Legionaries and their lay affiliate, Regnum Christi.

                “Marcel, however, is also an accused child molester. Eight former Legionary seminarians say he abuse them. As this paper previously reported: ‘The men say Marciel first abused them when they were young boys or teenagers between the ages of 10 and 16, sometimes telling them he had permission form Pope Pius XII to engage in sexual acts with them in order to gain relief from pain related to an unspecified stomach ailment.’

                “Maciel vigorously denied the allegations. The Vatican, by all indications, has white washed its investigation into the charges.

                “But, here’s a key point, his accusers exude credibility. They include an engineer, a schoolteacher, a lawyer, a rancher, a Harvard-educated scholar, a professor at the U.S. Defense Languages School, a psychology professor and a retired priest. A distinguished group, ignited only, they say, in an effort to expose the truth about the man who sexually abused them.

                “If Maciel were a U.S. priest, under procedures approved by the American bishops and recognized by the Vatican in 2002, he would be removed from active ministry, declared unfit to wear a Roman collar. Instead, he is honored by the Holy Father…”128

                In some of my other readings about Maciel and the Legionaries showed hoe they have had elite backing and clout in the Vatican. They seem to minister with their clergy and school sytem to the walthy especially in Mexico and Latin American. They back the wealthy, where critics say they stifle by their work and teachings stifle any social or economical reforms. They seem to focus o the wealthy which reinforces the sharp class divides that have long held Latin America back with these issues of change. They are even established in Washington, D.C.

                This same issue of the National Catholic Reporter  had another interesting, timely article The Vatican combats Manichaean’s” fourth century heresy tells us a lot about ur embodies selves.”

                Christ Roberts writes: In the middle of the summer, on the last day of July, the Vatican released a letter to the world’s Roman Catholic bishops ‘On the collaboration of men and women in the church and in the world.’ NCR noted it at the time, publishing both supportive and critical commentary but now that the dust has settled, is it possible to re-read the letter in a broader, less partisan perspective?

                “If you followed the columnists and other media reports back in the summer, then you probably suspect that from a feminist point of view the letter is at best ambiguous. Fro instance, one section of the letter argues that women deserve economic respect, and this can be seen as progressive. On the other hand, a closing paragraph also assists upon ‘the reservation of the priestly ordination solely to me.’ Other examples, suggesting both conservative and progressive spin on the letter, can be adduced. Perhaps this letter is just a deadlock.

                “Furthermore, and frustratingly, this letter is free of ecclesiastical self-criticism. It omits reflection on the church’s notorious failures to apply its own teachings. To some people, the irony will be comical: In this letter, one group f men (some Vatican bishops) writes to another group of men (the world’s bishops) on the subject of collaborating with women. Many critics will wonder why these bishops couldn’t find any women to help with the letter. Collaboration evidently has it limits!

                “So is this letter worth reading? Is there anything else in this letter, besides the ambiguity and frustration? Yes and yes, but those how this letter might be worthwhile, it helps to see it in a wider context, a contact almost universally ignored in both the secular and religious media. What we have here is more or less a fresh update on St. Augustine’s fourth-century clash with the Manicheans.

                “Church history and the classic heresies aren’t everyone’s cup of tea. Mentioning them is hardly likely to entice most modern readers to give the Vatican a chance to try to engage this document form the papal point of view. But if you want an antidote to frustration, spare a moment for this broader perspective. It explains a few things and sets the terms for anyone who wants to see Christian theology do better than this letter.

                “The Manicheans were a quasi-Christian sect who could not believe that a good God would be involved in the material world. They emphasized that what matters in a person is immaterial spirit, and that our bodies are indifferent or even hostile to spiritual pursuits.

                “Augustine, although once a Manichaean himself, studied the Bible and changed his mind. He deduced that our bodies, like all of material creation, are not hostile or indifferent, because in Genesis, God calls them good. Although we are beset by sin and suffering, the problem lies in our pride and selfishness and not in the mere fact of having been embodied

                “On that basis, and buttressed by the implications of Christ’s Incarnation and the Resurrection, Augustine believed that God loves what he has made and that God works with and through materiality for our redemption. In other words, when we think about ethical problems related to the body, we shouldn’t act as if the body wee a curse, as if it were an obstacle to ignore, overcome or tame…”129

                When I read this article, I was aware of the “Letter” but immediately wondered what was the Vatican sending this at this time besides the women’s ordination issue of late? The Vatican, I learned, has a number of issues they silently address with their “Letter” technique.  

December 12 2004

                I received a note for Father Al who I met while I had my tour of IOL-Hartford for 9 weeks.

                He wrote: “Dear Ted: Just got back from Florida yesterday and noticed you are due at Looney-Bin on Dec. 9. I can’t make it that day, family matters…”130

                He is form Hartford area and we would have lunch any time I had to do my “check-in.” This was the way Worcester’s Bishop was monitoring me and my Leave of Absence.

                Father Al’s use of the term “Looney-Bin” is very seldom heard this day and age. But, it is a term that few of us priests that had to go through the “tour” that we did. It was an experience.

                Worcester Telegram & Gazette had Dianne Williamson column with “Santa stint eases a heavy heart: Former youth minister works through pain.”

                Williamson writes: “A year ago, Solomon E. Toledo Jr. was the well-regarded head other young adult ministry for the Diocese of Worcester. He was earning a respectable wage and hoping to eventually parley his experience into a higher post with a diocese on the West Coast.

                Today, Mr. Toledo is homeless and living in his 1993 blue Buick Lexabre. He works part time at Wal-Mart in Whitinsville, but a salary cut in half by child support payments barely covers his food. And although he has struggled for years with clinical depression, he said he is nourished by a holiday ritual he has performed for three decades.

                Every weekend, the 50-yer-old Mr. Toledo dons a Santa Claus suit and sheds his sadness for a few magical hours. At a discount store in the Wal-Mart plaza, Mr. Toledo sits in a tall chair and allows the dreams of happy, innocent children to nurture his battered suit.

                “‘I love it,’ said Mr. Toledo, who’s bleached heard and ruddy complexion makes him a picture-perfect Santa. ‘The world is so bleak at time. But kids see me and their eyes shine. If I can’t by a youth minister anymore, I can at least be a symbol of love for children.’

                “A year ago last month, Mr. Toledo was summoned to the diocesan chancery office and summarily fired by Monsignor Thomas J. Sullivan. While the diocese has provided few details, Mr. Toledo said he was dismissed because of a 26-year-old allegation of sexual misconduct that occurred between the then 22-year-old youth minister and a 16-year-old girl in Riverside Calif. No charges were ever brought against Mr. Toledo; last week, police in Riverside said they have not record of any investigation against him…”131

                The dragnet continues going through the water. Here was a layman that was hired by the Church and then allegated? What become interesting was how all this occurred. I question where were the lawyers in this type of situation? Was this another case of “deep pockets”? 

December 13, 2004

                I had a very different experience this day-no automobile which was in for repairs, no telephone service and therefore no internet. I had to “get with the program” and do some text writing. It was a different overall day in that I would take it for granted to have my car and telephone for immediate use. It was not the case. In some sense, I was somewhat isolated.                

December 14, 2004

                I was reflection on society’s addiction to consumerism, gambling and large scale debt often leads to disillusionment for people and easily pray for fundamental Christian groups in all religious dimensions that preach: With no religious back ground to provide tools or means for discernment are swayed by clear, intimate and harsh take-it-or-leave it morality. The times reflect itself in too clear answers being given and followed. Life is much more complicated and dynamic than what certain religious and political groups are relating. I still feel that I am the person I have developed to be because of the “tools” I have obtained through life and am “thinking.”

                In this days Worcester Telegram & Gazette under the “New England “section was “Church’s new anti-abuse plan criticized.
                Rachel Zoll of the Associated Press wrote: “Two victim advocacy groups accused Roman Catholic bishops yesterday of abandoning their pledge not root out sexually abusive clergy by reducing the number of U.S. dioceses that will receive full, on-site audits of their child protection programs next year.

: But a spokesman for the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops said the changes were meant only to make theories more efficient and were not a sing church leaders are backing away from reforms.

                “Massachusetts-based Voice of the Faithful, a lay Catholic group, and the Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests, said the revisions will undermine whatever trust the bishops have restored in their leadership since the abuse crisis began in Boston in early 2002.

                “In each of the last tow years, the bishops hired an outside auditor who sent teams largely made up of former FBI agents into al 195 U.S. dioceses. Their job was to determine whether the church had put in place the safeguards required under the anti-abuse policy that the bishops approved at their June 2002 meeting in Dallas.

                “Last month, the bishops authorized a new approach to the audits at their national meeting in Washington. They decided that dioceses fund fully compliant twice will not be required to have on-site visits next year... Instead, they can fill out questionnaires that will be sent to the auditors for review. Some bishops had complained that the audits were expensive and time-consuming…”132 

December 22, 2004

                 I called the Giza’s in Palmer hoping to make a visit. It was something where previously would get in the car and drive in for a visit. Paul, their son, answered the phone. He said: “It was not a good idea, Teddy, for a visit. The family has been taking care of my parents.” Stan Giza-the father- was going for evaluation because last month he had a mini-stroke. I said that I would keep him in my daily Mass prayers.  I never heard anything more.

                I was going to re-write some of my journal but decided to let it be in what I had written. What I wrote of late was my thinking of the time and that was important because I did not have to be political. My “fear buckets” were filling-up in my thinking of the phone call to Palmer and the “visit” issue plus the Father Ridick letter of a possible visit? I did still carry the fear of being “carved-up” again. I was experiencing either feast or famine with Christmas invites.

                I had coffee this day with Jim Morarity-my lawyer firmed and former parishioner. I asked him about the issue of having any legal grounds concerning “defamation of character”?

                Morarity made a facial expression, that seemed to me of a hopeless situation and don’t do anything as such to the Church. It was a nonverbal communication skill which I am very good at reading. He did say that it was a very difficult undertaking that is not very rewarding. Jim is one of those “Old Catholics” in that the clergy are beyond any wrong doing. I didn’t go any further with him about this. But, it still resonated in my mind of what Attorney Carey said to me: “You can open you case anytime you want.” 

December 25, 2004

                I reflected this day on how I need to look back and see more than anything and that is God’s face. Faith doesn’t promise a ladder to crawl-out of the pains of life. It promises a grid to walk on with this rough way of those pains. Mostly, it is only when we look back in our lives that we see that this “friend” has always been there. It means that one is able to manage those feelings that at times are so difficult to understand or deal with. There, really, is no magic bullet. 

December 30, 2004

                On page B1 of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette this day we read “New suits name 6 priests-Rev. Messier among listed: 3 priests not previously named.”

                Kathleen A. Shaw writes: “Worcester-New civil lawsuits alleging sexual abuse by six priests of the Catholic Diocese of Worcester, three of whom have not been accused previously in legal action, were filed Tuesday in Worcester Superior Court.

                “The suits name the Rev., John J. Bagley, former diocesan chancellor, who was removed in 2002 by former Bishop Daniel P. Reilly after another allegation was made; the Rev. Raymond P. Messier and the Rev. Henry S. Banach, who have civil suits involving other allegations pending against them; the Rev. Leo J.O/Neal, who is now retired and the Rev. Bernard R. Reilly and Monsignor Michael L. Carney, both of whom are deceased. The suits were filed by Boston lawyer Carmen L. Durso.

                “The suits list the following allegations:

                “Rev. Bagley, now of Hyannis allegedly assaulted a male victim in1963 when he was assigned to Christ the King parish in Worcester. The alleged victim was about 15 at the time.

                “Rev. Bagley was pastor of St. Mary’s Church in North Grafton when he was removed form ministry in 2002 by Bishop Reilly after the bishop received another allegation of sexual abuse involving an underage youth who said he was sexually assaulted in 1067 at Christ the King parish. (Wait a minute, Bagley was “on the job” with a previous allegation? Interesting how even Reilly operated.)

                “Rev. O’Neal, now retired, was assigned to St. Joseph Church in Barre in 1975 when he allegedly sexually abused a 14-yesar-old boy, then an orphan living at Stetson Home for Boys in the same town.

                “Monsignor Carney, who died in 1981, was assigned to St. Andrew the Apostle Church in Worcester in 1977 and 1978 when he allegedly sexually abused a 15-year-old boy.

                “Rev. Reilly, who died in 1990, allegedly sexually assaulted a girl in Worcester. A woman alleges she was sexually assaulted by Rev. really I her Worcester home starting in 1952 when she was about 2 and continuing until about 1958.

                “Rev. Banach allegedly abused a goy age 12 or 13 in 1976 and 1977 when he was assigned to St. Hedwig parish in Southbridge. He is retired and living in Worcester. He has been accused of sexual abuse by three other men in a pending civil suit.

                “Rev. Messier allegedly abused a boy about age 12 in 1976 and 1977 when he was serving at St. Joan of Arc parish in Worcester. The alleged assault happened at the priest’s Charlton home.

                “Rev. Messier was pastor of St. Francis of Assisi parish in Athol and St. Peter’s parish in Petersham when he was removed form the ministry in 2002 by Bishop Reilly after another allegation was made. (Here we go again with Reilly not removing a priest until there is a second allegation? What was really going on?) He is now living I Charlton. He has been accused by three other men in a pending civil suit…”133

                How many of these guys had to go through a visit like Hartford in my case? What was the standard with Bishop Reilly and the normal policy with priest allegated but here he did nothing until he received a second allegation as with Bagley and Messier?

                Another small article appeared on page B6 of this same paper entitled “Retired priest not be evaluated.”

                The article read: “Worcester-A retired priest accused of sexually assaulting a child may undergo a psychiatric evaluation to determine whether he is mentally competent to stand trail.

                “The Rev. John J. Scantryz, 73, of Waterbury, Comm., is awaiting trial in Central District Court on four counts of indecent assault and battery on child under the age of 14. The charges date back to the mid-1980s, when Rev. Szantyr was assigned to Our Lady of Czestochowa Parish on Ward Street. The sexual assaults are alleged to have occurred on various dates form June 1, 1985 to Dec. 12, 1987. The alleged victim, a boy, is now in his late 20s.

                “The criminal complaints against Rev. Scantryz were issued in 2003, after the alleged victim told investigators the man he knew as ‘Father John’ touched him in an indecent manner when he was a child attending Our Lady of Czestochowa and Rev. Szantry was a priest assigned to the parish.

                “A preliminary psychological examination of Rev. Szantry by a court-designated forensic psychologist was conducted Dec. 16 at the request of Assistant District Attorney Joseph J. Reilly III, according to curt records. The case was continued to Feb. 17 for a hearing…”134

                Nothing more was reported in the media or other on Father Szantry. He dropped-off the edge of the planet. 

December 31, 2004

                The Boston Globe through on the Internet reported by Associated Press this day “6 file sex abuse suits in Worcester Diocese.”

                It reads: “Worcester-Five people who say they were molested by priests, as well as another person who alleges abuse by a pay person, have filed lawsuits against the Worcester Diocese, which this month sought to dismiss or limit other sexual abuse suits.

                “Four men and a woman contend in the suits filed Tuesday in Worcester Superior Court that they were assaulted in the 1960s and 1970s, according to their attorney, Carmen Durso.

                A Sixth suit filed Tuesday against the diocese alleges that a layperson hired by a priest assaulted a boy. All are seeking unspecified damages.

                “The new suits include claims against the Rev. Raymond Messier, the Rev. Henry S. Banach, and the Rev. John Bagley, all of whom were preciously accused of abuse. Banach is retired, while messier and Bagley are on leave.

                “A spokesman for the diocese did not return call seeking comment.

                “Supreme Court Judge Jeffrey A. Locke has not ruled on a diocese motion to dismiss or limit lawsuit filed by a dozen men who claimed they were molested by priests.

                “Durso, who also represents some of those plaintiffs, argued that the church should not be allowed to limit the size of the payouts because the abuse of children and shifting priests from parish to parish was to part of it charitable functioning.”

                This article is a follow-up of the previous days report in the local newspaper. But my eyes opened with the comment that Bishop Reilly did to remove certain priest until he had a second allegation on a priest.

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