2002

(The year that suddenly Niagara Falls occurs with information to things I couldn’t get clarity of the mechanism of what was done to me.)

January 1, 2002

                I noticed in this journal research and writing that my sources have been the Diocese of Worcester, Boston and New York area. In addition I have used the internet with sources being reported from England, Ireland, some Europe, and Australia which has the English speaking countries. So, there is a lot more that I do not mention in the United States. What I have sad previously was that people had learned to “paint by the numbers.”  The picture shows a pattern by “victims” and lawyers. The Church, with the priest are being singled out on abuse, but the group that has always been most accused have been parents. I know this is not a popular point to be stated. There is what I believe a “feeding frenzy,” God forbid that it be mentioned that “money” may be a significant factor with certain people having an agenda against the Church. But, this is where the Church authorities have taken a “down periscope” approach of “guilty till proven innocent.” By the way, no one seems to innocent but hierarchical people.

                We are living rising contempt for religion in general with particulars of Catholicism. We seem headed for much more conflict between religion and secular America. If anything, all assets and most particulars would be out in the open. We will see because I think is going to happen- down periscope.

                Yet, I realize that Jesus is the reason for my ministry and being. This is what makes all the difference.  

January 2, 2002

                I had a message on this Wednesday morning from Fr. Rocco Picclomini (Vicar for Clergy) was on my answering machine when I returned from doing morning errands. It behooved him to leave a message to call him.

It was to make an appointment with Bishop with Bishop Reilly on January 14^th (Monday) at 10:00 am in the Chancery. I was told that “the Bishop just wants to talk with you and see how you are doing.”

                I e-mailed Doctor Zeman to update him because this was something that I told him that if anything happened. What I did include in this e-mail that I would update him when I had my next scheduled appointment in February. What I was saying that I had by this time had confidence in handling any encounter with the Chancery Gang which at this time was different with Reilly being in the Chancery and not Harrington in his Residence that gave me the “hot house kitchen” interrogation.  

January 4, 2002

                I was having a coffee with a coupe of former parishioners and we were talking about the 70’s. My knee-jerking response was that I spoke how I did not recall much of the 70’s because of my drinking. Oh! I did have some memory but it was very limited. These two people gave a polite chuckle with this comment. But, it was a lost decade for me. I know that I have not remembered very much of this period. I find this frightening in some sense. Yet, I was “Father Popular” and even achieved a M.A. degree in Psychology and Counseling. Baffling is one description that I may explain of this period of my life. Yet, it was scary when I think about it at times in wondering what was happening with my life.

                I noticed, at this time, that I call my “knee-jerk response” to what happened in my situation. I would respond that I didn’t remember the late 70’s. A number of people that I mentioned this too got a chuckle from my statement. Sadly, it was true that “was a lost decade for me. I knew that I had not remembered very many things and if I did they were hazy.” 

January 5, 2002

                I had a very interesting coffee with Jack and Joan Keena this day. While talking, Jack asked me if I heard anything from the Bishop. I looked at him somewhat startled because I had a number of times said to him that letter writing with the Chancery and Bishop was useless. Well, Jack told me how he wrote about two week previously to Bishop Reilly to ask about Fr. Kardas. Keena wrote in asking why Fr. Peter Inzarello was back in a parish assignment. So, the letter had him ask about me. He never did receive a response from Bishop Reilly. But, January 2nd, I had a phone from Fr. Picclomini to set up a meeting at the Chancery with Bishop Reilly. Keena was the type of person that would write letters to the devil himself. Very interesting how this Chancery Gang was now working.

                After leaving the Keenas’, I had a Boston station (WTKK- 96.9 FM) with talk show hostess Marjorie Egan. Se was taking about Fr. Geoghan and how there were allegation complaints years before against him. She was going on that since 1987; the Boston Archdiocese had been receiving complaints against him. . She was making strong remarks where I changed the station in hearing her. I had an upset stomach that I describe as a pit feeling. What I had e developed was in my power and change the station in such situations whenever I was experiencing such situations even they were not my particulars. But, after five year being ordained, I felt as though I was driven in a circle. The clerical system and rectory living was having its toll on me. I felt as though I was going daffy with ministry going back to Pius XI style of priesthood. 

January 8, 2002

                I was in the car driving and had my radio on listening to WTKK-FM, Boston talk show. The moderator says that Cardinal Bernard Law should resign because of the cover-up on Fr. Geoghan in the Archdiocese of Boston. This talk show program was continuing this theme and topic for the past few weeks. Now, we hear a stronger note in that Cardinal Law’s moral authority has been diminished. What becomes interesting in watching and hearing this is that what happens in Boston is being watched by other bishops in this country and the wider world. Where I am a priest in the Diocese of Worcester, which is next door to Boston, we are not Boston. Each bishop is a “sole cooperation” and they operate independently, yet as one. Many people that I know in Worcester County (Worcester Diocese) think that we are Boston and we are not. But, I know that the “guy with the pointed hat-the bishop” has a network giving the bishop information and updates of the Boston scene. This is making the atmosphere very interesting. There is a trail going on by the Boston Globe and the media especially Channel #5 with Natalie Jacobson against Cardinal Law and the Boston Archdiocese. I heard the media run the Fr. Geoghan story from Sunday thru Wednesday. It seemed ore news now than the last three years.

The Worcester Diocese has the media of Worcester Telegram with Dianne Williamson doing the column writing and Mrs. Jean of Leominster doing a Web page on the clergy sex abuse issue with a periodic story on Boston TV news. .

                One of my characteristics is that I have an ability to see many sides of an issue or situation. There were times that I believed I had an edge in discussion of issues at times. This whole thing on the sex abuse issue was so much larger than I even was able to believe. It was the issue of how the hierarchy operated and the reaction of the media of exposing the bishops and the Catholic Church in this time of American Catholicism. It was much larger and secretive than I imagined. But, the issues of money, personal agendas and certain type of lawyers besides ambulance chasers, operating made the situation more unbelievable than may have imagined. Yet, my first day being called into the Worcester Chancery began this process. Process. On my matter, most likely is the wrong term to sue. It would be better that I realized there was a game that I was being throw into and I had already four strikes against me with the Bishop and his gang. I recall time and time again, Bishop Harrington telling me that “You’re guilty till proven innocent.” Excuse me? 

January 10, 2002

                There appears in the local Worcester paper an article “Worcester Diocese gears up for church courts.” This article stated that the diocesan tribunal, which is a church court, was “gearing up to comply with Vatican directives to have priests accused of sexual misconduct with minors tried in church courts.” The story reports that Monsignor F. Stephen Pedone, diocesan judicial vicar and a canon lawyer said the Vatican reserves the right to conduct its own trail of accused priest, but a send a case back to the diocesan tribunal. He said he “expects most cases will be remained to the local tribunal. The article stated that “Such trails are not public. A tribunal of three priest judges sits in judgment. The accused is entitled to a canon lawyer, and the person making the allegation has his or her own can lawyer, the monsignor said.” Pedone said “I am planning on bringing in priest judges from other diocese who does not know any of the parties to keep the process fair.”1

                There is a huge problem here. If I am in this procedure, which I have never been informed either way. One must not forget that the diocesan staff that had any dealings with me was part of the problem. What I mean that Rueger, as auxiliary bishop, was a priest in residence in St. George’s Parish, Worcester when I was assigned as Associate Pastor, Msgr. Francis Manning was Pastor, Pedone’s family lived in the parish boundaries and brother and sister were in the parish youth group, and Bishop Harrington was auxiliary bishop at that time. So, we have a group that was all in some way connected with the whole situation and any compiled written report and investigation on the diocesan part would have been carried out by this group of clergy. I had to get a canon lawyer. I obtained Fr. John Bowen of the Worcester Diocese because my first canon lawyer, Fr. Lynch died. I knew after meeting with him and my civil lawyer that he was not defending me in any way possible. This was even confirmed to me by my civil lawyer who said to me “Father, this guy is not defending you in any way.” So, it presented another issue of what do I do next due to the fact that I really didn’t have an advocate of any nature.

                I was never informed of anything of a case being formulated against me. For that matter, nothing was ever said to me besides the allegations and forced resignation.

                Yet, I was going to have a meeting with Bishop Reilly on January 14^th in the Chancery to “see how I was doing.” The anxiety bucket begins filling. Why should I not after reading this press release by the diocese. After all, there, most likely, going to be a public PR approach by the Church since all the negative media of the last few years.

This article was as thou it was scripted for the media and pubic in general. The article in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette concluded “Monsignor Pedone said someone in this diocese who wants to make an allegation against a priest should come first to the tribunal. The diocese has a pastoral care committee which includes lay people. The tribunal and bishop will review the case and go forward from there. The process is kept confidential, he said.”2

This type of information given by Pedone to the Worcester Telegram & Gazette in this interview was, as

though, a position statement. I, myself, was not aware of some of the information printed as “The Vatican formerly fixed the age limit on pedophile crimes to 16, but it was raised to 18 under aegis of the American bishops, he (Pedone) said. Canon law puts the age of maturity at 18. A victim now has until he or she is age 28 to bring a charge before the court. The cut-off used to be five years after the offense, the monsignor said.”3

January 11, 2002

                One has to realize that I have no contact or anyone from the Worcester Chancery talking to me. So, when I read or hear something, I have to try to find out the famous “who, what, when, where and why” questions.

                This day I get my weekly Catholic Free Press issue. There is an article by this paper’s staff writer: “Papal letter announces new norms for clergy abuse cases.” The staff writer John Thavis writes that the Vatican from Pope John Paul II had published new norms to deal with cases of clergy sex abuse of minors. What was peculiar was that these new norms were sent to local bishops on a case-by-case basis, because of the sensitivity of the issue. It seems that Canon law experts said that by defining clergy sex abuse against minors as one of several “grave offenses” against church law, the Vatican was centralizing the church’s handling of such cases under the doctrinal congregation. The doctrinal congregation was allowing a local diocese to handle the case, or the congregation could take up the case in its own tribunal. The doctrinal congregation was established as the court of appeal for cases tried in local church tribunals. The article continued to say that the norms imposed “pontifical secret” on such cases, which means that they would be handled in strict confidentiality. It also said that the norms also stipulated that the cases would be tried by an all- clerical court- but that point was already being reviewed at the Vatican because of objectives that accusers might not feel comfortable in such a setting.  The article concluded that it was to immediately clear how these new norms would affect such cases in the United States, since U.S. bishops are operating under modified church law approved by the Vatican in 1994. Vatican officials said that was being studied.4

                What has to be said about my particulars was I never was told any thing by anyone. I mean anyone. If there was a tribunal or not concerning my case, we will never know. Nothing was said besides Rueger telling me “We will get in contact with you.” I waited for a phone call and watched each day’s mail. I heard nothing.

                This same issue of the Catholic Free Press had in its editorial “Learning about abuse and responding.” My initial response was that the church hierarchy, canon and civil lawyers and insurance companies were painting by the numbers. What I mean by that is that we have a situation that seems to be evolving and taking anything to make a case for them and have a “dragnet going through the water.” (Fr. Lynch).I keep recalling how he sad that the good with the bad were being swooped-up.

                What I knew of what was happening was limited. I did not hang around clergy. I was totally immersed in my parish duties and a few close families. I was faithful in participating in clergy conferences, area meeting and overall programs. But, my information “network” was not clerically orientated besides what I was combing and reading from church or Catholic publications and newspapers.

                I found that the diocese of Worcester had a practice that was shrouded. There was a refusal to disclose any information especially with rampant rumors in meetings at the diocesan or local monthly meetings and questions were only listened too. Nothing official or otherwise was given by the “Worcester Gang.”

Even when I was in Hartford, Fr. Jack Kieley said to me that” we will get it all fixed-up.” Yes, it really was on me getting put into the desert and living as a fugitive on the run in not knowing what was happening. Besides, I was very careful in any of my conversations. This was something that was difficult especially attending AA meetings and being careful what I spoke. AA has a principle of confidentially of what is said at a meeting, stays in the meeting. But, these people attending an AA meeting were human. In addition, they were not bound by the “seal of confession.”

This editorial began “Church polices with regards to sexual abuse of children by priests have change as more is learned about the aberrant behavior.”5 This immediately opened my eyes and thinking almost out loud that they were pilling things on any and all allegations. Let’s not forget, that I had not one opportunity to defend my with any type of lawyer- canonical or civil.

The editorial continued “Bishop Sean O’Malley, new to the Fall River Diocese drafted a sex abuse policy and said, “No diagnosed pedophile will receive an assignment in the Diocese of Fall River.”6 The date 1992 is referred too with accusations against Fr. James Porter of Fall River Diocese.

It then said, “Bishop Harrington (Worcester), in October 1992, said he would not assign any priest who is found to be a child abuser to priestly ministry in the Worcester Diocese. ‘Abuse of a child is a crime that must be condemned,” Bishop Harrington said. He said he would work to have any priest who has abused a child acknowledge his responsibility for what has happened, get processional help and sport him in his pursuits of recovery.” 7 So, reading this, I recalled in 1993 that Harrington, in one of his notorious interactions, flipped at me “You’re guilty till proven innocent.” This, I thought was only able to happened in the Worcester Diocese.

The editorial went on to say “Even 10 years ago, the bishop’s response showed that there was dealing that pedophiles could be rehabilitated…. Child sexual abuse is a grave crime in society and so too in the Church. It is viewed as grave offense against the sixth commandment that the Vatican has change its procedures for handling such cases, as was reported in the Dec. 7 edition of The Catholic Free Press and again this week in the secular media….It used to be that it was an offense against moral if the person involved was under age 16; it has been changed to under age 18. The time limit for reporting such an offense was five years; now it is 10 years after the victim turns 18, in recognition of the fact that many people abused as children do not deal with the issue until they are adults.”8

This is where I heard talk about these ages in Hartford and wondered what the Worcester Diocese was trying to do to me. I was not able to put my particulars and two girls in any time frame. I even recalled in one of Fr. Rooco Picclomini’s call to me about going to Hartford for an evolution and saying, “The statue of limitations has run out on your situation.”  What statue of limitations? Oh? So, why was I being asked (ordered) to take such a step of leaving my canonical assignment and parish people to undergo such a horrendous experience.

The editorial concludes “Despite the Church’s best efforts, some people are still hurt, lives are shattered and trusts are broken. An institution that has survived 2,000 years will survive his. We will make changes and be stronger.”9

Very positive words of a direction. However, my case was alcoholism. I was told to wait in an isolation and exile besides living as a fugitive.

The Church had no contact with me whatsoever besides the original comment in 1995 of quarterly appointments with Dr. Zeman in Hartford. Holy Mother Church showed more that an operation that had been shrouded.

This same issue of The Catholic Free Press front page had in large print “Cardinal (Law) apologizes for abuse.” The next to this article was another article “Diocesan commission in place since 1994.” The article begins “The Diocese of Worcester is not planning further review of its policy regarding child molestation allegations, according to Msgr. F. Stephen Pedone, judicial vicar. Our present policy ‘is a good one,’ he said. ‘It certainly shows the Church is attempting to be responsive and responsible to these types of circumstances.’”9 Pedone is the guy that stuck his finger in my chest in 1995 at the temporary Chancery about my resignation.

This article reported “”In 21994, Bishop Harrington established the Commission on Policies and Procedures for Allegations of Abuse. The commission outlined procedures to be followed regarding sexual molestation allegations against clergy and introduced a six-person panel of experts who would advise the bishop on such matters.”10

This article had my eyes wide open because there was no word or anything ever neither mentioned to me nor rumor mills taking of such a commission. Harrington did his famous “guilty till proven innocent” dance with his “hot house interrogation” in 1993 and then developed a commission for “advisement.”

The article continued “The initial review committee attempts to substantiate any claim made against a diocesan church worker. ‘We don’t want to be judge and jury right away.’ He said. ‘You’ve go to protect the rights of the accused person as well.’”11 Now, here we have Pedone, Harrington and Tinsley mentioned with Rueger seeming to be somewhat in the back ground. I wonder why they are protecting Rueger. He was the first one in my face of March, 1993. Yet protecting my rights? Who was he kidding? This was made for Hollywood. The real situation was anything but such a compassionate approach and concern.

                His last paragraph of this article was the clunker. “No Diocesan employee has bee removed form ministry because of sexual molestation charges since the commission’s inception, he (Pedone) said.” This number twelve, are we talking about 1994 or 1996 or what? There are so many questions that it is unbelievable with the Worcester Gang. They are, actually, do public relations in there approach. But, they are giving one story to the media and as my story- total isolation. This Worcester Gang including Reilly is setting something else up as lining up their ducks. I was surprised how Rueger was being kept in the back ground. What’s up George? Pedone should remove himself with anything to do with my particulars because of his family connections. Harrington knows that I know that his situation was the same as mine. Yet, I was very uncomfortable reading this issue of The Catholic Free Press. I realized that the following Monday, I had a meeting with Bishop Reilly at the Chancery. My mind was in high gear. 

January 12, 2002

                I was visited by a good friend from the parish, Leo Grenier. He asked me to take a ride to get a coffee and check a few bookstores. Leo used to attend daily morning Mass and helped whenever I needed an errand to be done. He was a quiet person that didn’t say much. So, when we stopped at a coffee shop and he had a question that caught me off guard. He said: “When are you getting tried by the church court?” I was taken back. He was serious in his question. Yet, I had to realize that he reads the local newspapers and even the diocesan weekly. He and his wife, Annette had been with me since 1993. They never did put me in difficult position if I visited for breakfast by any persona questions. I had to realize that Leo had a dry sense of humor. Yet, with all that so far had happened and an upcoming Monday meeting with Bishop Reilly, had me defensives.  One has to realize that I did not speak about my particulars with people besides my lawyers and priest confessor. I was carefully abutting this because if anything was said by a parishioners, friends or public in general. So any stories that were being carried, I realized did not come from me. The rumors were being created. The point here was that I did not contribute to any of them. I realized that I was living a life of a fugitive. Leo’s question did catch me off guard. 

January 13, 2002

                The next day, I read an article in The Boston Globe entitled: “After sex abuse scandal, many priests tread warily” by Michael Paulson. He writes: “Bowers tries to be a good priest. He loves his work, his community, his church, and his God. He has wrestled with the demons of frustration and loneliness, but still choking up as he describes the joy he feels every Sunday morning when he walked to the Charlestown Navy Yard and prays as the rising sun glows over a sleepy skyline…. Years ago, when a children’s program would end at church, kids would pile into Bowers’ car and he would drive them home. Sometimes he would stay up into the early morning in the rectory, allowing adolescents to pour their hearts out over the crisis of the teen years…. IN Massachusetts, life for priests began to change in 1992, when the case of James Porter became public. Porter, a priest in the Diocese of Fall River, was convicted the next year of sexually abusing 28 boys and girls, the case was so horrific that Law order every pastor in the archdiocese to apologize from the pulpit for the damage done by clergy sexual abuse. The archdiocese also barred priests from allowing young people into the residential parts of a rectory. …For a church struggling to recruit more men to a priesthood whose ranks have been thinning since the mid-1970, the scandals are further damaging the image of the profession. “This is the second blow to the head we’ve received, with the first being the exodus of so many of our colleagues from the priesthood beginning in the late 1960s to marry or because they found the priesthood isolating,” sand the Rev. Donald B. Cozzens author of the ‘The Changing Face of the Priesthood.’ “Beginning in the mid-1980s, clergy misconduct with minors was another blow, and it has been devastating to our confidence, or morale, and our esprit de corps.”13

                In seeing this and realizing Monday’s meeting at the Chancery had me recalling a number of questions. Why was I put into such isolation? Was it simply to get rid of me? Don’t forget, that Rueger in a phone call suggested that the Diocese would send me to school for a re-training to get a secular job. This was pushing me out of the priesthood. Sure. The situation of Bishop Harrington and his particulars were exactly my particulars. But, God forbid in how the Worcester Gang was doing everything and nothing against me. Then there is the issue of my orientation was so that I was a very small minority in the Diocese of Worcester. This was even shown in how many times, I would have met a “brother” priest and he would say that “We have to get together. I’ll (priest) give you a call.” No one called. Was I a leper, now? But, I have to realize that when I was in the parish, similar experiences were exchanged by priests. It was as though a programmed message. Was I over reacting? Maybe yes, maybe not over reacting. I was a diocesan priest. There was a that difference from a religious order priest where they were more community orientation. I would see fellow priest either at a monthly deanery (section0 meeting or clergy conferences. But, I was not one of “them.” There is a coded message constantly traveling the circuit. So, for Cozzens to make his statement in his work of the late 1960s and the mid-1980s, one had to even get to a more basic issue that was the system from patriarchal model to an ideal collegiality and then the orientation issue. In addition of the late 1960s and then the 1980s many left the active ministry because they were following their consciences which were very much informed. But, the system was going to be preserved and people became dispensable due to basic power and authority. No one was going to touch any of this or allow any change in the Church system...

                In addition, this day the Worcester Telegram & Gazette column by Dianne Williamson entitled “Apology ‘too little, too late’ “ had her espousing about the words of Cardinal Law apologizing for the harm done to the many victims of sexual abuse by priests in Boston.  Then, she writes about the Diocese of Worcester and the case of Edward L. Gagne of Worcester and his civil lawsuit against the Dioceses of Worcester and Fr. Brendan O’Donoghue and Fr. Peter J. Inzerillo.  This is a repeat on Williamson and the Worcester Telegram & Gazette. They work certain stories over and over. Here is a case of point. Yet, these two priests’ stories always have my eyes opened because of my case and how they were handled by the Diocese. Williamson writer’s in this column: “Today, Mr. Gagne is a 36-year-old planner for the City (Worcester) Manager’s office of Employment and Training. He said he saw many similarities between Cardinal Law’s response and the Worcester Diocese’s reaction to sexual abuse.  ‘In Bishop Harrington’s case, he admitted that he was aware of the problem but took no steps until the diocese suffered adverse publicity,’ Mr. Gagne said.  ‘The cardinal is only speaking up and apologizing because of pressure. These are well-known strategies to try and appease the public.’ “14 Williamson continues that it is time for church leaders too match their words with action. Then she concludes her article with: “There’s a big difference between an apology and accepting responsibility,” said Mr. (Attorney) Lyons, (Lawyer for Gagne), who happens to be a former altar boy. ‘One has meaning. The other is window dressing.’ “15

                One has to be aware how the Worcester Telegram & Gazette through especially the reporting of Kathleen A. Shaw and Dianne Williamson their columns on the Diocese of Worcester and priests. It is not surprising to talk to some people hear or read about this issue of sex abuse in the local paper and the next question is: Was it Kathleen Shaw or Williamson this time? They played, it seemed, a drum beat that was similar to a military drummer in a funeral procession. I believe they most likely thought it was very long funeral procession.                 

January 14, 2002

                I attended a private meeting with Bishop Reilly that was scheduled for 10:00 am in the Bishop’s Office at the Worcester Chancery. When I walked into the Chancery, I was directed to the second floor. There was a different floor plan since the “great flood” of a few year back. I walked in the Bishop’s Office where Bob Pike,  and old acquaintance from my days at St. George’s parish, Worcester was standing at the bishop’s secretaries desk and had a surprised look with joy in seeing me. He said: “What are you doing here? We shook hands and said he will see me later. I was invited by the secretary to sit and wait for the bishop. While waiting, suddenly there was a rush of priest coming out of the Bishop’s Office. There was Rueger, Picclomini and Sullivan. The all acted so sheepish. This was the new group of minions with the new bishop.  In addition, what was strange in that at different times each of them asked me if I would like a coffee? Rueger and Picclomini never came near me to even shake my hand in a general greeting.  Rueger made the comment: “You always look young.” This was the first time in fifteen years that whenever Rueger met me that he was not trying to smell my breath. Then I heard Rueger, after the secretary said to him that Fr. Picclomini was on the phone and he went to what must have been his office” “What’s up kid?” Actually, it caught my attention because it sounded like Bugs Bunny: “What’s up Doc?” I was only half-right in calling the Chancery- Disney Land. Now, it has to be included with Warner Brothers. This remark had me wondering if Rueger was nervous with me going into the Bishop’s Office. Oh! He didn’t come up try his “smelling technique” on me. I was still waiting when Fr. Thomas Sullivan (Bishop’s Secretary) came up to me and directed me to the Bishop Office. What I noticed was how nervous and rushed Sullivan was with the situation. He introduced me to Bishop Reilly, who was seated behind his large desk with a manila folder in front of him. Bishop Reilly stood and greeted me. Sullivan was rushing me to hang my coat and he dashed out of the room. It was very peculiar behavior because I knew Sullivan from a number of encounters and meetings. He was suddenly gone. Reilly came around his desk and invited me to sit in a chair across from him in the center of the room with a small circular table between us. What was strange when I was seated, there was a bright beam light on the wall behind Reilly’s chair. This light somewhat blinded me. What I was able to observe that this was the only such light in the room. The behavior of Sullivan and this light had me wondering if I was being video taped. Now, this may seems paranoid. But, with this group anything was possible. This was the center of the hierarchy for my diocese. I conducted myself with this thought of being videotaped, but would have not done anything differently.

                Bishop Reilly began this one hour meting with the comment: “You are in full status of the diocese. You do lead an exemplary priestly life. Keep doing the spiritual aspect of your priesthood.” I responded that I do daily Mass, Divine Office and private devotion of the rosary I addition to spiritual reading. He asked me what I had been doing. I told him however 4 months I visited Dr. Zeman in Hartford, attended AA meetings twice a week and did daily writing. 

                The Bishop told me that the “Diocese agreed to the girls that they would not put me back into ministry. How can the do that?” I responded that I never agreed to this or heard anything as such from the diocese. I, actually, did hear this as “street talk” before this meeting. The story came back to me that Fr. Bob Shaurais told a person that related it back to me in 1993. Shaurais was teaching at Anna Maria College, Paxton and Rueger was on this schools board as auxiliary bishop. Shaurais would have met Rueger on campus over time. I had mentioned this in my previous journal writing. This was a know fact that Rueger would appropriately “slip” some confidential information out on priest or sensitive diocesan situations. I believe he did this with a purpose and had a calculated approach to particular “tidbits.” (Chancery of Leaks)

                The bishop said he never read my case until the layers had it. He said, again, that Msgr. Tinsley said the diocese agreed not to put me back, He talked how that the lawyers were already involved in my case when he came to the diocese. H e continued: “Our priest can’t be just being thrown aside. How could the diocese settle on you and just throw you on the side.” Then, he said: “If you wanted to talk about it but if you would be upset, you don’t have to speak about these girls.” I said that I had no problem to talk with him about the girls. I said this because he was the Bishop and I would answer any question that he would have. I. also, said: “You are the Bishop.” I responded that I never agreed to anything. I was told to just go and they (diocese) would contact me. I told him that my civil lawyer, Attorney Ted Carey, told me that I was able to open my case any time that I wanted.

                Bishop Reilly then said” “We (bishops/Church) don’t understand pedophilia. We are only beginning to understand it.”

                Right! My initial thought was to say: Where have you been for the last 2,000 years. Actually, I wanted to say “Go jump in the lake!” If he wanted to pursue such a thought, I would have said: “Go ask George Rueger.”

                The big word on the large screen should have read “CONTROL.” It was a similar occasion in 1969 when Pope Paul VI came out with Humane Vitae (Birth control encyclical). Each papacy and hierarchy continued to only patriot it. It was like the litmus test for the hierarchy in general- party line to the absolute level.

                Now, I was hearing something similar on the pedophile issue with “guilty till proven innocent.”

 My thought, at this point, was: What? After all the “paint-brushing by the numbers” that had being going on for over 10 to 12 years.  I believe that Bishop Reilly was using a deception technique at this point. All priests that were allegated that I heard about were “dropped” from ministry.

                In addition with such a remark that the bishops don’t know much about pedophile, there most likely would be forming a study committee (commission) on their part. So I was told indirectly a report would be in the works on pedophilia. (Another new study) I recalled just looking at Reilly with my look of give me a break, buddy. This statement by Reilly insinuates that I was not behaving? Authority operates in what I believe is covering more than one may be believe. Yet, absolute authority does it absolutely. One way or another, Reilly was insinuating that the hierarchy- himself or Harrington previously, were going to make me a pedophile. Wasn’t that something?

                Again, I emphatically made it a point to interject that “I was not a pedophile!” The Hartford document reinforced that fact. Oh! This Hartford document is a legal document. Again, the church hierarchy is the church hierarchy.

He then asked me to tell him about the two girls. Again, he did say that he hoped this area of our discussion did not upset me in asking this. He said he had not read my file. But, I speculated that it was in front of him on his desk when I entered his office. He did carry that folder over with him and had it on the small table that was between our chairs.  I spoke of how I was invited by Weber to visit two or three times while she was a student at the University of Maine in Orno, Maine. I never did go. I mentioned how McCormick visited her daughter at St. Edward’s rectory asking if I would give her First Communion the previous four months before the allegation. I continued to take how she worked with a Bob Chatrand of Westminster. I related how Bob Chatrand was known to visit Msgr. Richard Collette of Fitchburg and criticize my ministry as pastor of St. Edward’s. There were times that I heard stories at the parish that I realized had “clergy talk.”  This would be recognized especially with professional vocabulary that was in church documents and literature. I was told that Chatrand was going around Westminster telling parishioners that:” He (Fr. Kardas) can’t do that (Sacramental/ R.C.I.A.).” This was in regards to intuiting a renewed sacramental program at St. Edward’s in the R.C.I.A. model. Collette, most likely, was undermining my pastorship with parents on sacramental programs. This was a serious violation of priestly ministry. I made sure these points were stressed to Reilly. He said to me that some priest were jealous, angry and had other agendas.

                Bishop Reilly then asked me if the two girls were together I answered that I did not know. I did not ever remember or heard of anything as such. He, then, asked, why did the diocese settle like it did? I did not know and made sure to tell him and reminded him that I never agreed to anything. He said that Msgr. Tinsley told him? “Never reassign Fr. Kardas.” I made the statement, again, to him that I was not a pedophile. Drinking was my issue and that blackout stages were part of me even when I traveled for 21 days in the 70s to Europe in addition to a separate week’s trip to London. This is something that has me reflecting on in that on these trips I am able to recall snippets of my travels. But, I did not have very many highlights of the locations that I visited. I, actually, didn’t talk much about these trips to anyone because I was not sure of many things of recall. But dealing with parishioners and especially in youth ministry, I was sure that what these two girls allegated I was not true.

                The Bishop was emphatic in saying: “Our priest can’t be just thrown aside. How could the Diocese settle on you and just throw you on the side?” I responded again that I never agreed to anything. I was told to just go and they (Diocese) would contact me.

                When Reilly said that I was part of the Diocesan Presbyter, I asked if I was able to say family funerals. He said “Yes. Just call Fr. Rocco (Picclomini) or Bishop Rueger.” I asked for help in rent because since 1993, I was receiving only $200 and that I need help? He answered: “Yes. I will contact you.” I then reached into my black briefcase for a paper that I handed him of the list of items “missing” from my personal property at the rectory in Westminster. He told me: “This list has significant items. Give me time on this. I will look into this.” This list had my personal property that was stolen from the rectory. It included items as my coach, lazy-boy chair, wall clock and other items that were in my private quarters of the rectory.

                When he finished, I then asked him for his blessing and departed his office. The issue that was most on my mind was Reilly’s repeated comment: “We (Bishops) don’t know much about pedophilia.” This, to me, was a coded language of more to come. As I said before that I, immediately, reacted but saying: “I am not a pedophile.” By the way, he would realize this evaluation from the Institute of Living in Hartford spelled that out. The evaluation document is a legal document. Actually, I should have said that if they didn’t know much about pedophilia, then give me a list of things that you do know? But, I should have realized that Reilly, with the bishops in using “we” was telling me the American hierarchy were setting themselves up for a counter-force to all the bad publicity and imaging of the last decade.

                A number of comments from Reilly were startling to me in that he most likely didn’t know what to say next. He kept stressing that this was “only a first step.”  I was not able to have him state what this “first step” was. He did tell me: “see where it will go.” Again, what is this “it”? He concluded that the next meeting will be with Fr. Kilcoyne and himself to talk over dinner. What did Kilcoyne have to do with what we spoke about? But, I realized that he must have been referring to the paper of the list of items that I handed him. Even that, Kilcoyne knew nothing about those things because I spoke with him about those items. Kilcoyne was in the rectory when I removed my belongings. He even made it a point to tell me when I asked about certain things that there was only what was there Reilly was just stumbling at this point for an exit strategy. I should have told him that he is the bishop and what he wants to do he would do. We all know that the Church is Sole Cooperation- legal title. This consultation and group impute was only in the Vatican II documents. In reality, it was “sole” decisions. I asked him for his blessing and I departed.

                The single spot beam light on me from the upper part of the opposite wall had me concerned throughout the entire meeting. I do believe that I was being videotaped which is against the law. Sullivan must have been operating the equipment. He was no where to be seen when I exited...

                When I was walking out, Bob Pike was waiting for me and said he wanted to talk with me outside the Chancery building.  He told me that he is working for the bishop as maintained man at the Bishop’s Residence. He talked very openly. He laughed in telling me that the Chancery was “still Disneyland.” This was what I used to call the Chancery in the 70s and being newly ordained and living with Msgr. Manning. He was the former Chancellor to different bishops and wearing the red Monsignor red garb had me wonder what type of Church I was newly ordained into. This was the time in the early 70s that we had Vietnam and civil unrest and people living in another world almost as a fantasy.  It was a fun expression that obviously was easily misconstrued. Bob told me how he had coffee with Bishop Reilly on Thursdays at the bishop’s residence. He made it a point to tell me how he defended me talking with the bishop in how hard I worked at St. George’s and actually was doing all the work while Msgr. Manning only was pastor in name and did very little. Bob also, said how to me how my former religious secretary at St. George’s, Mrs. Gert Geran (GG) kept asking him about me? He was anxious to tell her that he saw me and that I was dressed in a clerical suit. You have to realize when being newly ordained that I attired myself in sweatshirt and jeans if I was not doing a liturgical service or hospital calls or any other professional work. We laughed about my clerical suit at this time. Bob told me that he would give me a call. We shook hands and departed with Bob looking back at the Chancery Building wondering if anyone was watching us talk in the parking lot.

                If anything from this meeting I was hoping that I would have a chance to defend myself especially with Harrington’s notorious statement to me that I was “guilty till proven innocent.”

                What I experienced in this appointment to the Chancery was not a movie. Yet, it does not tell the whole story or ever the real story, as the Watergate scandal, and it gives a misleading picture to me of the real stakes involved. The larger truth about the sex abuse crisis-essential “back-story,” if you will- will possibly never become clear. The hierarchy of the Church has a knack of burying issues and being very good about that. But clerical carriers (vocations) have been destroyed. The system would preserve itself and certain people would be “sacrificed” in the name of “justice.”

                What I found for myself that there is a real story that we still don’t know. It is like real life, murkier more mundane, more ambiguous than any church history book would report. But this crisis is also more telling and relevant to the society we are living in. The press is searching for the truth. But, the heart of the issue is a power struggle. Truth and justice are played part., but only a part. It is largely a behind-the-scenes contest of control. At times high minded, at other times brutal and raw, the forces vying for control have shifted and the cent of gravity in the Catholic Church in profound and lasting ways. The crisis had the effect of undermining in hierarchical authority-of dismantling the present hierarchical-clergy structure. It is power. Power was in effect turned over from the chancery offices to civil courts. I witnessed in the 1970s a rise of a new counter establishment-populated largely by reporters and lawyers- all conjoined and interlocked in one giant machine that at times, seemed bent on bringing down anyone in an official position of authority for an infraction, no matter how minor or instant. Yet, the Church as any other organization had individuals that were ambitious, shred and fitted at exploiting people they lead and worked with. . I believe the hierarchy would, at some time renew itself by consolidating power in the chancery buildings. There would have to be an extremely aggressive approach about tracking down and purging everyone that would have any give an indication of being disloyal. Many organizations would strive for independence through a crude device: blackmail. It had no boundaries in the Church because of power and authority- money played an interesting part. 

January 15, 2002

                This next morning after my experience of the Bishop’s meeting, I read “Diocese’s policy nonexistent: Area clergy exempt from reporting abuse” by Dianne Williamson of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette.  The article begins: “Monsignor F. Stephen Pedone is the sort of priest any diocese should embrace, especially this day. Articulate and thoughtful, he is not afraid to speak frankly about though issues facing the Roman Catholic Church…Yesterday, he acknowledged that the Diocese of Worcester does not require clergy to report allegations of sexual abuse to state authorities, an edict recently adopted but the Archdiocese of Boston in the wake of increased public attention to the sad fact that the Catholic Church failed for decades to protected children from known pedophiles.”16

                Then Williams write: “When I asked the monsignor if he believed the diocese should adopt such a policy, he replied, ‘My personal opinion? Today, we’re all well aware of the pain and problems caused but such abuse. Years ago it was considered a moral failure. Today we recognize it as a sickness, and we know that offenders have to be taken out of the situation…’ In many ways Monsignor Pedone represents a new breed of priests, on e sorely needed in a church that has been plagued too long by institutional arrogance and a mind-set that cannot abed questions of challenges…”17

                “‘Priests become paranoid, and it has a negative impact on trying to minister,” Monsignor Pedone said. ‘The majority of the guys are trying to do a good job. There are a lot of victims here, and sometimes the priests who try to do a good job become victims, too.’ “18

                Pedone goes on in this article to cover all types of topics from the actions of Cardinal Law, John Geoghan and Bill Clinton on abuse. In reading his comments, he had a sweet knack of telling others He had that “gold” over others to do because of his power position. He related that approach where everything was either heaven or hell aspect of afterlife. One has to remember that he was working under Bishop Harrington as the Canon Lawyer for the Diocese of Worcester and was the canonical spokesperson on much previous matter up to this day. I don’t know if Dianne Williamson may have forgotten that and now she writes with a very peculiar slant than what she death with previously in her columns. Another viewpoint one may want to reflect upon is that the Diocese possibly has set Pedone to be the media “healer” with a new administration in the Worcester Chancery. Pedone did not just give this type of interview and comments without being directed and even scripted answers.

When I read how he went into the Geoghan case where Williams writes: “The monsignor said he know of no active priests in the diocese who are suspected of sexual abuse. (You can say that truthfully, Steve?) He also said he is angry at defrocked priest John Geoghan, whose trial began yesterday on charges that he had abused children. Mr. Geoghan was the subject of a divesting Boston Globe Spotlight series that recounted the repeated failure of church leadership to remove him, even though they knew he had abused children. ‘He had a position of trust and he blew it, big time,’ Monsignor Pedone said. ‘He obviously has no sense of guilt. You almost want to shake him-like people wanted to do to Bill Clinton and the way he damaged the presidency-and say, ‘Do you know the damage that you’ve caused?’ “18 By the way, Pedone is the guy that pushed his finger into my chest three times with the remark: “The resignation by this week.” This was when I was called into the temporary Chancery at the Notre Dame Motherhouse in Worcester. What was my reaction? I stared at him. You don’t go poking people in this manner in this day and age. He may have been acting out sort of his mother’s approach to situations I know this Pedones’ somewhat from my days at St. George’s where the family lived in the parish boundaries and where his mother, brother and sister were known.  Here is something to behoove, here.  What if he was asked more pertinent questions of what was really happening in the Chancery and their techniques?  Was there anything that he was involved with in “cooking the books”? Were there issues that the inner circle would go at any lengths to cover-up and try to turn the spotlight onto others?

This article by Williamson was such a shift of style that it had me wondering who was getting to her and her column wiring. I’m sure it was not the regular reader of her column and paper. Here, we have Williamson, practically, making Pedone a “saint” or the “Monsignor Doll” in her column. 

January 16, 2002

                So Monday and Tuesday of this week were such that even the next day we get from The Boston Globe “Doctors who OK’s Geoghan lacked expertise, review shows.” This article reports: “Last week, Cardinal Bernard F. law said it was ‘tragically incorrect’ for him to assign a know pedophile, John J. Geoghan, to a new parish in 1984. But Law said the decision was bases on ‘psychiatric assessments and medical opinion that such assignments were safe and reasonable.’ Yet Dr. Robert W. Mullins, one of the two doctors who declared Geoghan to be ‘fully recovered’ in 1984, was a general practitioner who acknowledged yesterday that he has no credentials in psychotherapy or psychiatry. The other doctor, who saw Geoghan as a patient in 1980 and wrote evaluations of Geoghan in 1984 and 1989, is a psychiatrist, but Dr. John H. Brennan had no background in treating sexual offenders, according to records kept by the state…A. W. Richard Sipe, a former priest and psychotherapist who has written extensively on clergy sex abuse, said the evaluation of a pedophile by a general practitioner should not have been used but the church in deciding whether to allow Geoghan to return to parish work. ‘That absolutely does not count. It’s no better than something coming from a woman in a pew who says hr rosary ever day,’ Sipe said. David Finkelhor, a sociologist at the University of New Hampshire and an author of four books on the sexual abuse of children, said he found the church’s reliance on doctors without a specific expertise in sexual abuse astonishing.”19

                Well, let me say here and now in response to this article. It made no difference in my case or any case that I have heard about. . I had nine weeks of evaluation at The Institute of Living, Hartford. The evolution emphatically stated that I was not a pedophile. Did it make any difference about being put back into my parish? No! I had to hear from my bishop, Harrington, that I was “guilty till proven innocent.” Then I was put out and told to wait which I am, presently, doing and had been doing. It made no difference as my case- I was diagnosed and proven not to be a pedophile

                So, when reading this article and the last few days, I figured that the whole picture was changing. The American Catholic Hierarchy was doing a public stance on the whole sexual abuse crisis. Fr. Lynch’s comment which said now some time back about “a dragnet going through the water” was now being worked to be pulled up out of the water by the bishops.  The American Hierarchy now would use every possible technique to do what they may have realized many years ago. They would use this “crisis” to get rid of everyone and anyone they so desired. Then, they would develop programs, with the Vatican approval that even Jesus Christ would not have been able to be ordained a presbyter (priest)

                I recall reading The Cat from Hue: A Vietnam War Story by John Lawrence who had this line: “The marketing takes care of its own. It doesn’t like outsiders. In offices, you make a mistake, you are done. You go no where. The military is very hard, critical and takes care of its own situations.” This is what the American Catholic Hierarchy would undertake. However, they would take care of certain people and the all the others- done with. There are those who are gold and those who are not-shit. 

January 20, 2002

                It keeps on rolling: Greeley writes a column on “More pedophile mess” in the Chicago newspaper Daily Southtown. This time he says: “The Catholic Church has repeatedly shown great skill in shooting itself in the foot over the problem of pedophile clergy. It has managed to do so again with the new regulations from Rome about pedophilia. Doubtless designed to be a constructive solution, the new documents create obscurity that make the church look bad again.”20

                He goes on his usual ritual about the hierarchy and his direction about laity. He does relate to the crisis than many assumptions are not true. But, he has very little regard for the bishops, He writes: Most priests assume no responsibility for preventing abuse. It’s the bishops’ problems, they say, regardless of the savage harm done to the image of the priesthood. The various priests’ organization around the corny has issued statements that are more sympathetic to the priest than to the victims. One suspects that Jesus would not be pleased with such pharisaical clergy…There are happy exceptions to these generalizations. Yet one should not trust a group of priests to convict one of their own. The church doesn’t know from the possibility of putting lay people on beards which could reduce a priest to the lay state.”21

                I say watch the bouncing ball because there is always more than documents or statements what about any “back-story”? Possibly the latest document from Rome realized that there was and is a “dragnet going through the water” approach that should be questioned in sensing that it may observe an octopus with its tentacles going in all directions. The medias paradigm is one issue that Rome is more sensitive and practical about than the American Catholic Bishops. 

January 22, 2002

                I was attending my bi-weekly AA meeting this day. One of the participants talked how he is writing a booked about his alcoholism and that he already had ten pages written. My reaction in hearing this guy was: “Give me a break.” This guy loved himself so much in how he conducted himself that it had me wondering if there was any truth in his message. This was what I was doing in journaling and text writing of my journey since 1993. It was not such a task that I was talking about it in public. Yet, I have to realize that this was me and not him. But, he did get my attention which I would not do in an AA meeting. The “old timers: would respond: Tell us about your drinking. We don’t want to hear anything else.  

January 24, 2002

                I visited Stan and Kay Giza in Palmer. I talked, somewhat, of my meeting with Bishop Reilly. I mentioned how he told me that I was an “active, full member of the Diocese of Worcester.” I said that I was told that I can celebrate Mass in public with proper permissions of calling the Chancery. I wondered if they heard my complete statement. I did save my concerns in that it was such a “church politics” situation that would have only confused the overall situation. This was a time that I continued to be very careful of what I said even if it was the Gizas. I noticed with them their exuberance. I had to be very careful because it was not overall reaction and insights. My visit was very enjoyable as usual with them. They had been very kind to me and never probed beyond what I said. They were never filled, either.  

January 25, 2002

                I heard on the local radio station (WTAG-Worcester) that Cardinal Law “changes course” in saying that the Archdiocese would report retroactively sex abuse of priests. This, again, had my anxiety working. I was talking with a classmate who said: “This is their problem. This is not your situation.” I then though how this is going to be like volcano lava all over the place and stuff from 1,500 year go would be pouring out. Yet, not in a self-pity way, I believed that my last ten years of ministry had been stolen.

                I wonder that by chance that the media had timed all this and the present reaction of the Church authorities. The media saturated the air and priest with the Geoghan case around this time. It is the same time of the annual Roe vs. Wade time of the arrival of protectors in Washington, D.C. Just thinking.  

January 26, 2002

                I realized that my information had been limited in finding out what was happening in regard to the diocese and anything on the sex abuse situation. So, I only would obtain information from the local newspapers, TV news and one priest who only spoke in a very limited manner. I felt the priest was more interested to hear what I would say to a particular report. I wondered what was the “priest talk” on this report or any information on this issue. But, it was a very calculated, careful discussion on the part of this priest.

                So, when I read the local Worcester paper on “House may set duty fro clergy: Abuse would have to be reported.” This article was written by “Staff and Wire Reports.”22 My eyes opened wide because it was worded as such and in fact it was Kathleen A. Shaw of the Telegram and Leslie Miller of the Associated Press contributions to this report.

                It began with that “Now that Cardinal Bernard F. Law say the archdiocese of Boston will require clergy to report past allegations of sexual abuse…A bill before the Legislature (Mass.) would require clergy to report evidence of sexual abuse of children to the Department of Social Services, as doctors, teachers and social worker are already required to do. The Senate amended the bill Tuesday to require clergy to report past evident…The steps taken by Cardinal Law have prompted Bishop Daniel P. Reilly to consider the need for changes in procedures involving allegation of sexual misconduct against rest of the Catholic Diocese of Worcester…The Worcester diocese is preparing to comply with new directives from the Vatican stating that all suspected abuse of children by clergy must be reported to the Vatican. The Vatican has decided that secret trails will be held for these secret trails will be held for these priests, either in the local diocese or in Rome.”23

                This had me become anxious as usual because I never had been told anything of a trail- secret or not. I read such an article and wondered where was I in all of this, if anything? But, this article continued to name priest that had criminal cases since 1986 with the last sentence stating: “None is still an active priest in the diocese.”24

                Let’s not forget that all of this goes forward before anything was even proven in my situation and being ‘thrown out’ and told by the Chancery: “we will contact you.” I had been on “hold” for over ten years with psychological damage. What I find most interesting is what is not being said. What about the other side of the fence- my turn. Would one suspect that the church authorities are “screwing” their own clergy? When I start thinking this way, I recall one of my college professors saying that one should recall and re-read Shakespeare and Dickens in addition to the Gospels. 

January 31, 2002

                I was thinking back to my writing of this January 26 where there was a segment on Channel #7 of the Boston of. Jay Mullen being interviewed in a dark silhouette He said that he was afraid’ being allegated. He stated that he was forced by the Archdiocese to settle. He said that he did not want to go in that direction. The next statement, he said: “No! No! Think of the Church.” He continued by stating that he felt “betrayed and set-up by the Archdiocese.” He, then, said that Cardinal Law should stay and face the treatment. This segment showed a confidential hot line number for victims to call.

                One of my former parishioners met me at Wal-Marts and said: “We live in crazy society that watches Jerry Springier Show and gets ideas as such to alleged priests.” I could have added that Attorney Ted Carey- my civil lawyer- told me in 1993: “Opra (TV Show) gave the girls the idea to go after you.” Theodore Curtin of St. Edward’s used so say to me at the church door after Sunday Eucharist: “It’s the world upside down.” 

February 1, 2002

                When I write about my feelings and how I react to any stories about priest is that fact of my sensitivity. This day, I was listening to the radio- FM #96.9 in the morning. The news broadcast reported that the Archdiocese is going to reveal 35 “former” priest names of allegated on sexual abuse.

                What I had to war my through was to let this type of information work itself through. It was a good warning because it was not my story. I was noticing with all the public media that they were playing people-off one another. It was noting of the Woodward style of Watergate fame on investigating reporting. It was bluntly stated- period. There was no puzzle being put together. Clergy were being placed between their bishop and the laity. It was as those foes were tugging both ways on such reports. I believe very strongly that it was a ‘rapping” exercise in a scale of major proportion. I had to realize at this point that time would tell. My question, at this time, would any correspondent research to seek to tell all sides of the story? I knew this type of question was only a “pie-in-the-sky” direction.  

February 1, 2002

                What has been happening is so intense of late that even the National Catholic Reporter continues with and article by Eugene Kennedy (former priest) and is professor emeritus of psychology at Loyola University in Chicago. This article entitled “Raggedy will continue until church asks right questions: Vatican’s new rules obscure causes of sexual abuse.” He writes “Let’s get the question straight. What explains the tragic worldwide explosion of sexual abuse by priests and other religious personnel….? We need a large sing, screaming ‘Danger, Distraction Ahead: Fine Double in Church Bureaucracy Work Zone.’ We waste our righteous indignation by claiming that these rules mask a current cover-up. The cover-up has been gong on for years. It was abetted in many cultures, including in the United States, through the cooperation of police, judicial and media institutions that in an era of privilege for social hierarchy, suppressed scandalous news about public figures and professionals, including priests…Had the question been why instead of what, this terrible story would never have been told….The church can expect more of this sadness until it asks why and how this problem came into being.”25

                I believe somewhat in this overall article in that asking the wrong question. I viewed this and my ministry of the system was the issue. I believed that with Vatican II and supposed renewal that the power and authority of a patricidal hierarchy would have been addressed. It was possibly my dream because there seemed to be a hardening of the wax on the candle of the new light of the Second Vatican Council of collegiality, shared responsibility and collaboration to mention a few areas... It was in the rectory and chancery a- business as usual of pre-Vatican II that I noticed since my ordination. Eugene Kennedy’s article did get my attention. We will see what, if anything would be addressed besides another “study” from another commission- business as usual of preserving the system.

February 2, 2002

                I was having a difficult time sleeping at night. I would toss-and-turn, wake-up at different times. I would reach for my rosary beads and say them. It was a time that I would change my pajama tops from perspiration a couple times at night. It was February in New England. This was a similar time of my sleeping at the seminary in Hartford while being at IOL. This had me concerned because my mind was racing. I would be awake with thoughts of my assignment in the 70’s at St. George’s, Worcester. I was in charge of the youth group where recalling the one summer day with my window open on the third floor of the rectory on a Friday night at 1:00 am and lying in bed to hear a youngster yell: “F--- you, Kardas!” It was someone from the Worcester section of the parish walking home and there was no “drop-in” center open at the church due to the fighting between this group and the Holden section- two different towns- of the parish. I mean, I tried to off-set this conflict of the groups by having a movie night. It was over at 10 o’clock and then the place was closed. Sure, it was where there was no help by adults to monitor the area. What was really happening was that the “Brattle Street Gang” had lost their clubhouse- the hornets were mad. This had been partly to do with Pedone’s, own, brother and sister. So, when I had Fr. Pedone going at me as the Diocesan Canon Lawyer, I would only look at him. He knew about his brother and sister and my predicament. But, he was pushing another agenda with protecting Bishop Harrington and the Church episcopacy. Meanwhile, thinking about Reilly doing his comments to me at our meetings where his concern was not me but protecting the episcopacy in any manner, whatsoever.

                My reaction was that the anxiety of what I had been reading and hearing in the media had my anxiety buckets filing-up I needed to kick them over and get them emptied. There was the news of the DA and the courts being carried in the medial the “stinking thinking” of a witch hunt going on in the Church and community at large. There I recalled how Fr. Picclomini said to me over the phone: “Your case is beyond the “statue of limitations.” Yah! What does that have do with anything of me proving my innocence.  I would then go from thinking how Reilly told me that I was living an exemplary life and behaving myself to hearing from a fellow classmate that Fr. Bob Shaurias talking that in ’93 that the diocese settle with the two girls and would not put him back into ministry. Here, I was with the “guilty till proven innocent” approach, knowing full well that the Chancery was toying with me. I did recall hearing in Hartford and thinking of the bishops were, only, listening to the insurance companies- settle with the “victims” and get rid of the priest. I recalled hearing that there was a “Witch Hunt” going on.

                It was back to what I experienced in 1993 while under evolution in Hartford and being nucleated almost ten year ago. I felt with the toss-and-turning as a roller coaster ride. Then, I was awake at 5:00 am. Even with all the anxiety, whenever I attended An AA meeting, I never id think about drinking. I wondered if it was more to do with evolvement or being as arrogant as Harrington/Reilly Episcopacy and “system” was on me. I believe that I was more in living the day. I was angry but in all, it was not a hate aspect. I believe that my background in being who I was and adapting forgiveness- if I had done something wrong- with moving on helped me. It had to be God’s graces. It was not only me with all that had been and was happening. 

February 3, 2005

                This day I read on the internet- The Boston Herald column by Margery Egan “…but off the debate stage, I guess political courage is hard to hide. Now, we know that right up until last week-not last month, last year or 10 years ago- Bernard Cardinal Law kept secret the names of scores of child molesters. So, police could not arrest them, prosecutors could not jail them. Parents of small children in Cohasset or Peabody or Harwich or Malden could not know that the seemingly nice-enough ex-priests across the street was in fact a dangerous deviant, let loose in the world. What more do we nee to knew? Felony crimes….”26

                This is the first time that I read “felony.” The overall tempo that I hear and read is as though that there is a line in the sand. So, where does all this go for me? I have been out in the cold and believe treated as a leper. My anxiety does rise somewhat in this reading.

                This had me connecting the dots somewhat of the January 14^th with Bishop Reilly and recalling a few of his questions and comments. Examples were Reilly asking how old the two girls were. Reilly commenting to me to tell him about the girls. The comment by him: “Can’t throw priest around like this.” I realized that he had calculated questions for me and comments. But, the stirring underway were almost predictable on part of the Church Hierarchy to put this behind them. Besides, it seemed that the hierarchy was going to confront the legal, media and other groups in our country. Yet, I recalled how Reilly commented: “We are just beginning to understand pedophilia.” Against, as I have mentioned before that I immediately reacted: “I am not a pedophile.”

                Possibly, Margaret Egan of The Boston Herald would need a good therapist to deal with irrational projected anxiety.  

February 5, 2002

                I noticed that my back was sore. It was a stress issue for me that at times I experienced in the parish during certain periods of time- bishop’s visit or celebrate the Triduum (Holy Thursday, Good Friday, EasterVigil and Easter Sunday). It all was around the issue of renewal and uncharted areas of parish work. A lot of people were watching my endeavor. It had it’s effect. But, I never missed a beat with any of this because I believed it worth a continuing conversion and renewal of our people with myself.

                One other thing that crossed my mind during this period of time of recalling how Rueger said in the second meeting with the Bishop Harrington and his minions: “The only place you are going is a monastery!” He, possibly, should have led the way and reported back to me. 

February 6, 2002

                I was surprised to get a correspondence from the Bishop. I mean I get nothing. There, this day is an envelope from the Bishop’s Office, which is a form letter. After reading it beginning with “My dear brother priest,” I realized it was more of a morale booster. It’s opening paragraph “I think of you so often these day. For all of us, this a difficult time. So much of who we are and what we stand for is being challenged. It’s hard, it hurts and we need reassurance.”27

                Following this was another letter from the Office of the Bishop r in parish bulletins. It was addressed “My dear friends in Christ” format with opening paragraph “It is important that I write to you about a serious matter troubling our Church that is being widely discussed in the media, that is, child sexual abuse by some priest. I don so with a sad heart and a sense of duty but also with great concern for your personal welfare and that of your families, friends and fellow parishioners…The Diocese of Worcester is doing all within its power to underscore our commitment to the well being of the children in r care. An essential part of our commitment is the updating of our diocesan policy on reporting sexual abuse of children issue in 1996.”28

                What I keep looking at here is that for some time now there was nothing. Now, we see a concentrated effort by the Office of the Bishop to the public and clergy. This is a campaign of interest in the wake of what was before- silence. 

February 7, 2002

                We are next introduced by the local newspaper “Accused priest in Mexico: Rev. Kane settled early ‘90s sex suit.” The article reads “The Rev. Thomas A. Kane, who left the Catholic Diocese of Worcester in 1993 after he was accused in a lawsuit of sexually assaulting a 9-year-old boy, has spent the past five years as director of an international training institute for teaching in Guadalajara, Mexico. Officials in the Worcester Diocese, when questioned in recent year about Rev. Kane’s hereabouts, have maintained they didn’t know where he was…In 1993, Rev. Kane was accused of sexual abuse in a lawsuit filed by Mark D. Barry of Uxbridge. That suit also was settled out of court with a nondisclosure provision….His suit contented that the abuse in Upton was the first of dozens of sexual encounters between the two that occurred at the House of Affirmation, at St. Mary’s Church and elsewhere. It stated that Rev. Kane plied the boy with liquor, and gave him expensive gifts and money.”29

                 Fr. Kane’s case was at the time of my situation. He was just gone. Nothing was more heard about him. One has to remember that he was in charge of the House of Affirmation in Whitinsville. It was a nationally know location for priest and rehabilitation. There was all type of priest rumors about this place. Bishop Harrington was heard of clashing with Kane and their operation.

                This article explained “The lawsuit described the abuse as becoming more bizarre over the years with the gifts and money escalating. Mr. Barry said he was taken to rural retreats, where Rev. Kane offered him to other priests to have sex with.”30

                This opened my eyes when I read this. When I was for my evaluation in Hartford, Fr. Jack Kelley asked me if I knew anything about a sex ring in the Worcester (Diocese). This reading had me have such a flashback that I recalled my response: I did not know of anything as such. I, actually, didn’t hang around with any priest as such to even hear such rumors (talk).

                This also, brought to mind about “mail-order degrees (diplomas) by Fr. Kane? Amazing. There is nothing to follow-up in the press from the Worcester Chancery, It is the old- nobody knows anything? Besides, the media only reports such an article on Fr. Kane and there was not follow-ups. I should have realized that this is the way it is- end of this particular story. Next. 

February 8, 2002

                The news kept on rolling. The National Catholic Reporter issue arrived with a number of articles on clerical sexual abuse scandal. One article “Clerical sexual abuse scandal widens in Boston Archdiocese” reported “The ever-expanding scandal of clerical sex abuse reported here-unraveling in newspapers, radio and television broadcasting-widened last week to include claims against many more priest, including many accused of sexual abuse in the past. The Boston archdiocese has received heavy criticism since Jan. 9, when The Boston Globe’s ‘Spotlight Team’ published a comprehensive history of the allegations of child sex abuse against former priest John Geoghan, and the handling of those charges but the archdiocese.”31

                This same issue had a story of “Tucson diocese settles 11 pedophilia lawsuits- by Catholic News Service” and another article “St. Louis pastor accused of harassment takes leave.”32

                Bishop’s Reilly’s letters in the last few days were obviously “timed” for an “ever-expanding scandal of clerical sex abuse.” Against, I recalled Fr. Tom Lynch telling me that that “Ted. There is a dragnet going through the water.” But, the dragging and all was told me in 1993. Why do I suppose that all this was now the heads gong at each other of the lawyers and Catholic hierarchy and insurance companies- money?  

February 10, 2002

                Well, the Worcester Telegram & Gazette keeps it rolling.  Front page- Sunday edition “Letters suggest diocese knew about child abuser: Former Uxbridge priest being sued by parishioner.”33 This the ongoing story of Fr. Teczar which this paper wrote here an extensive story about his situation.

                Below this article and the same page, this paper had another local story “Priest may have lied about PhD.” Here is Kathleen A. Shaw reporting “The Rev. Thomas A. Kane apparently did not receive a doctoral digress in psychology form the University of Birmingham in England as he has maintained for years. A university spokeswoman said last week that the school has no record of Rev. Kane attending classes there or receiving a doctoral degree.”34 This article had a number of points about his work and being the co-founder and director of the House Affirmation in Whitinsville, publishing book on psychotherapy.

                These types of stories had me wondering of what else was happening in my beloved diocese. I really had to be out of the gossip circle because I never heard anything as such circulating between the clergy. Yet, I have to remember that I worked my respective assignment and immersed myself in my ministry. Today, this type of statement would be turned many different ways by reporters, lawyers and even church officials. I worked and did my best to be the priest that I was ordained into.

                Even last night I had my fear buckets filling-up. I was watching the 11:00 pm nightly news reporting that the DA is “trying to get new victims to go public.” The Boston scene had it that six more priest in the Boston Archdiocese were suspended that days where with the 6 new priest, the DA had no other names to come up with a total of 60. The report stated that eventually 80 priest had been named in sex abuse allegations in the Archdiocese. There was the comment that lawyers for victims of Fr. Geoghan said there is a “subculture” in the priest of the Archdiocese.

                What held me up somewhat was that I attended my Thursday AA Step Meeting. So hearing this news report, I felt the dichotomy of the fear buckets and having returned from an AA meeting some serenity. It was just that I felt the roll was on of media intensity on the priesthood. The dragnet seemed to be straining on all aspects.

                After last night, my phone rang in the morning It was a male voice which surprised me” “ Hello! I’m Damien from the Sentinel & Enterprise. It was about receiving the newspaper. I just hung-up the phone. I immediately thought that I would not answer the phone from that point on and only listen to any incoming calls. I, always, had a personal policy in the rectory and everywhere to answer all calls whenever the phone would ring- no matter what. But, it was different at this time. It was a couple days that I did listened to the message. But, I realized that I had to restore my integrity and this was one way of re-establishing it. I didn’t have anything to fear. Enough of what I would do. I would be myself and conduct my self as I have always done and continue with that.  I recalled how in May of 1993, a reporter from the Sentinel & Enterprise was going to the rectory at St. Edwards. Mrs. Mary DiRusso of 13 Church Street, Westminster- directly across from the rectory, told this reporter from her lawn to “Get lost.” Well, I was not running then, nor had to live in such a manner.

                I felt an extremely sensitivity and tried to rationalize it with a sensitive society with September 11^th and a zero tolerance in all aspects of life. Then, out of no where, I reacted” It’s all about the money situation The Church with the hierarchy is no going to pay out any more money. The diocese has cut-off the purse strings.

                This may have been the overall situation with the Church against lawyers, supposed victims, media and others that were undermining the mission of American Catholic Church.  A definite line in the sand was established by the bishops.

                This day- Sunday- had a directive from the bishop to address this letter (February 6, 2005) in the parish bulleting or otherwise. It seemed that most priests only referred to the letter from the bishop in the bulletin. But at St. Edwards, the priest spoke about the letter contents. He related how there is the “family” situation of priest and the bishop addressed a letter to the entire group of priest in the diocese. What has o be mentioned was that this same priest emphatically said told me at lunch one time that St. Edward’s is no more a “faith community,” but a “family.” Then the letter of February 9^th, addressed “My dear friends in Christ” was only inserted into the following Sunday bulletin.

                A couple of parishioners related to me how the priest “did a good job saying: We are all weak and make mistakes.” I wondered, on hearing this that is all are caught-up in the dragnet? What else does a verbal attempt to explain what the media had been reporting but in a prevailing subjectivity?

                This letter issue was only read by most of the local parishes. Nothing else was commented on or otherwise.

                One phone call tome wanted to write Cardinal Law and ask “What would Jesus do? Write in the sand.” She related how “stinking” the whole situation was. Another comment came to me from John (Jack) Keena on this Sunday experience by saying “The genie is out of the bottle.” Jack was the person that in the first few weeks went into the Chancery Office to find out about case. He was polity welcomed to sit with Harrington and Tinsley. This was where, I said previously, how that Gang were listening more to what he was going to tell them than what he was there for. Most people in the ministry knew that one does not get an audience with the bishop unless the bishop is searching for something. Jack never received any answers to questions he had or heard anything. Also, Jack had the nickname in his family as “Walter Winchel.” But, I recall saying how the “game” is played by the Church. He responded: “We will see.” Well, Jack is still waiting for over nine years.  

February 12, 2002

                We get the local newspaper to give us an article “Diocese wont’ supply priest names: Worcester policy differs from Hub archdiocese.” It reports by Richard Nangle that “The Catholic Diocese of Worcester announced yesterday that it will not forward the name of priest accused of sexual abuse to the Worcester District Attorney’s office…’I don’t know that we have anything to turn over right now other than what everyone already know,’ said Raymond L. Delisle, spokesman for the Worcester Diocese. At least one priest accused of sexual abuse in the Worcester Diocese contuse to serve in a parish assignment. The Rev. Peter J. Inzerillo, associate pastor at St. Leo’s Church in Leominster was sued in 1994 for sexual abuse while assigned to St. Anthony’s de Padua Church in Fitchburg. After the lawsuit was filed, he was placed on administrative leave and eventually reassigned to St. Leo’s by Bishop Daniel P. Reilly…The lawsuit was settled in 1999 for an undisclosed amount of money. One of the conditions of the agreement was than the amount paid to Mr. Gagne not to be disclosed publicly. Rev. Inzerillo (Chancery Position- Vocation Director) has steadfastly maintained his innocence, a stance that has earned him the backing of the diocese. ‘This was in curt for years and he was not found guilty, thee was no finding against him,’ Mr. Delisle said. ‘There was no settlement involved in him accept any guilt that was ever reported publicly or privately. He is innocent until proven guilty in that respect,’ the spokesman added. ‘When we assigned him, it was a public assignment.’ “34

                However, the article than continued “Bishop Reilly announced in a letter to parishioners at weekend Masses in all 126 parishes and missions of the Worcester Diocese that priests, church workers and volunteers now will be required to report suspected sexual abuse of children to the state Department of Social Services.” 35

                This is where the “game” gets interesting. We have Reilly lining up “letter” and then having the Inzarello case out front. But, as I have mentioned previously, the Inzarello was a Chancery man- that sacred place in the diocese. So, we have such an approach with wonderment and questions. Did Inzarello know too much that the bishop would try to appease him to keep quiet? What else would we expect of some type of inner plan being developed to appease or protecting certain priests or officials? 

February 13, 2002

                This is getting better. Another article on Father Kane. “Priest name removed from site: Rev. Kane locates at teachers’ school” in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette reports “The Web site for the world-wide Teachers Institute’s operation in Boston has removed al photographs and references to its director, the Rev. Thomas A. Kane.” 36

                The last paragraph of this article opened my eyes. It read “Houston lawyer Mr. (Daniel) Shea, who has represented alleged victims of sexual abuse by priests, said he met Rev. Kane in 1974 after Bishop Reilly, than a monsignor in the Providence Diocese, recommended Mr. Shea seek counseling at the House of Affirmation. Mr. Shea was a deacon studying to be a priest at the time. When he met Rev. Kane at the treatment center in Whitinsville, he said he rebuffed homosexual advances made by the priest.” 37

                This opened my eyes because we have Bishop Reilly, Attorney Daniel Shea, and Fr. Kane in one story. There is a picture developing of everyone going after everyone. Possible reason besides my continuous emphasis of money that we have personality and authority issues. Again, I read this and heard nothing more. The issue seemed to evaporate.

                But, then this same day I read “Ex-priest suit now in high court: Ruling may set precedent for clergy to sue for slander. A former priest (Episcopalian) who claims he was defrocked over a money dispute could pave the way for clergy to sue the church that disciplined them. Boston- the state highest court is considering a case that could put a crack in the wall between church and state by allowing an Episcopal priest who was punished by the church to sue for slander. Internal church discipline has rationally been protected from civil court scrutiny by the First Amendment’s freedom of religious clause…If the Supreme Justice court agrees, it could open the door to suits by priests named in the unfolding sexual abuse in the Roman catholic Archdiocese of Boston…Last year the Appeals Court overturned parts of ruling, saying slander and conspiracy, if committed, were ‘secular acts,’ and not shielded from the court by the First Amendment.” 38

                I tired to follow up on this through the Internet and media. Nothing was found on my part. But, this does raise the issue of how Bishop Rueger in the new story of my case was quoted as saying that I was “weird.” I had to realize that I knew if I followed up in any way against the Church that I would have been defrocked immediately. I was told that a priest is not able to sue his bishop in Canon Law. But, what about such a printed comment by the Auxiliary Bishop Rueger towards me? I never did forget this commenter article. It did come to mind that Attorney Ted Carey, my civil lawyer, did mention one time to me that I was able to open my case any time that I wanted. I recall telling him that I wanted to remain a priest. He never did anything more to me about this. Was I too quick to react on the matter? Should I have not asked what he meant by his comment and my situation? I’m sure that I was not the only priest that had slander thrown at him by his hierarchy in public. 

February 14, 2002

                The next day, we get in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette an article “This priest is outraged by scandal: Rev. LaBaire warnings were ignored by diocese.” Dianne Williamson reports “Luckily for the Roman Catholic Diocese of Worcester, the Rev. Steven M. LaBare was never disillusioned after superiors ignored his concern about a cleric who today remains active in a Leominster church. That priest, the Rev. Peter Inzerillo, already was being sued for sexually abuse when Rev. LaBare came forward in 1996 reveal that another man told him that the same priest had gored him and pressed his pelvis against him. In return for this willingness to given a legal deposition, the courageous Rev. LaBaire was subjected to questioning so hostile and belligerent that a diocesan lawyer would later receive a rare rebuke from a Superior Court judge.” 39

                This interview which was given in the rectory of St. Luke the Evangelist parish in Westbrook, where he was associate pastor. A point of interest is the Pastor of this parish was an interesting cat.” This pastor was known to have people throw stones for him and walk around with a Cheshire grin. LaBaire gave remarks that covered all areas of the sex abuse scandal and Bishop Reilly. But the reporter was able to get into print of LaBaire was being brave. “Rev. LaBaire’s deposition paints a picture of a brave priest who is clearly frustrated with his superiors’ secrecy and lack of response to allegations of sexual abuse among priests. At one point, after Mr. Reardon (Diocesan Lawyer) asked the priest whether he was being ‘fair’ to the bishop with his testimony, Rev. LaBaire responded, ‘One of the difficult things about this whole sexual misconduct process in our church is that we still have a very much closed process…And I am all for a Church where there is a little bit more public accountability about what goes on in regards to this process.” 40

                In addition this day, the Catholic Free Press gave us “Diocese updating abuse policy: District attorney seeks name of priests, victims” on page one.41 The story begins with “The Worcester Diocese is strengthening its sexual abuse policy to better reflect the Church’s concern for the victim Bishop Reilly announced the decision in a Feb. 9 letter to parishioners made available at weekend Masses. ‘The focus of our previous policy was on the speedy reporting of any threat to a child,’ the bishop said. ‘In its attempt to be brief and understandable, that document (1994) in retrospect did not represent adequately our concern for victims and potential victims.” 42

                I’m noticing that Bishop Reilly and minions are involved in a chess game with the media and public in general. But, what I’m noticing in different readings is that what I was being thrown at me by Harrington and Rueger had roots in other priest stories. What, immediately came to mind was how Rueger used to say to me: “More is going to come out on you (Never did.)).” I was noticing that more was coming out on their inner core men. I was realizing insights that sway one to think of cover-ups for selective clerics. If anything, my situation was being turned by Worcester (Chancery) as “The Poster Boy.” 

February 17, 2002

                Well, here comes the Sunday paper and I wondered where we are going this day with the clergy sex abuse situation. We get on page one an article by Worcester Telegram & Gazette reporter- Kathleen A. Shaw on “All faith groups deal with abuse: Experts share results with study.” She writes “Roman Catholic priests are no more likely to sexually abuse children than are clerics of other religious denominations and the percentage of priests who commit abuse is far lower than that found in the general population. Those are the conclusions of tow nationally recognized experts on sexual abuse by members of the clergy. The two have gathered data in recent years on sexual abuse by Catholic priests as well as clerics of other denominations and religions. News stories about alleged abuse by priests assigned to the Catholic Dioceses of Worcester and the Archdiocese of Boston have drawn widespread public attention because the regions served by the dioceses are heavily Catholic, according to the pair.”43

                I, immediately, wondered who may have influenced Shaw to write such an article. She has been with Williamson and Nangle the key people practically writing an article at least three times a week on this issue. Someone (Publisher) had to get such an article into print possibly because of the negative saturation against Catholic priest. Just thinking- it gets dangerous. I was wondering how the hierarchy were going to try and get their printed space with this sexual abuse situation.

                This same day, I found on the Internet an article in The Hartford Courant by (Rev.) J. Gill entitled “Celibacy Doesn’t Cause Child Abuse.” This is the Fr. James J. gill, M.D., a Jesuit priest and psychiatrist at the Institute of Living in Hartford. He writes “It isn’t celibacy that creates pedophiles. Think of the tens of thousands of American children damaged in incestuous situations in which parents are responsible for the sexual exploitation of their own children. …The church’s pedophilia problem, as I view it after years of dealing with priests sent to psychiatric treatment centers and sometimes prisons, lies not in its celibacy policy but in the way priests are educated in seminaries…Seminary education traditionally has emphasized theology, Scripture and canon law, along with private and community prayer.” 44

                Gill goes on to mention how he with a group had established The Christian Institute for the Study of Human Sexuality to prepare church personal for the takes of fostering the psychosexual maturation of their students…The church needs priests who are mature human beings, comfortable with their own sexual identity, capable of entering into deep personal friendships with adult women as well as men. It needs priests whose emotional lives are rich in social, spiritual, cultural and occupational experiences that can infuse their lives with beauty, variety, pleasure and meaning” 45

                He concludes that very few bishops send their people to this institute. 

February 21, 2002

                Here we go with a good one in that this priest is a “big fish.” The morning paper on page one: “Priest is removed from pastorship: Allegation of sexual misconduct levied against Rev. John Bagley.” The article reads: Worcester- the Rev. John J. Bagley (Big fish with Rome connections), former chancellor for the Catholic Diocese of Worcester and former official at the Vatican, was removed from his pastorship at St. Mary’s parish in North Grafton yesterday because of an allegation involving sexual misconduct with a minor…Bishop Reilly said the alleged sexual misconduct with a minor occurred in 1967. ‘The person making the allegation called Monsignor Tinsley last Thursday and I made myself available to him by phone,’ the bishop said yesterday. Rev. Bagley was assigned to Christ the King parish from 1961to 1967. The bishop said he learned in this conversation with the man that the late Bishop Timothy J. Harrington was told of the sexual misconduct in 1994,’ but that was as far as authority had taken it.’ Rev. Bagley in 1994 was reassigned by Bishop Harrington from Our Lady of the Angles parish in the city to city to the North Grafton parish. Speaking of the alleged victim, the bishop said, “Although he is relieved by our response, he is undecided if he will bring this to the district attorney. If he chooses to do so, we will cooperate fully with the DA’s office in their investigation of the allegation.” 46

                I read this with eyes opened because of Bishop Reilly, suddenly, being in the game and not one his minions. But, interest should be related to Bishop Harrington and dot-connecting with his Chancery minions (Rueger, Tinsley, Pedone, and Picclomini). As I mentioned, Bagley would have been considered a “big fish.” Fr. Bagley was a chancery official, Rome connected. Besides this, the Bagley family name is well know in the Leominster and Worcester County especially, I believe,  with a brother running the family business in Leominster insurance agency on main street and  well established in Leominster and church committees- Bishop’s Fund.

                This was a reflection of one of my cousins talking about “priest watching” as reading the daily sports page with daily standings and percentages.

                This day’s article continued on extensively to read as an obituary column. 

February 22, 2002

                Well, we continue on with page one stories on clergy.” Diocese says abuse cases are different: Priest still in Leominster” by Richard Nangle of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette. “By relieving Rev. John J. Bagley from his pastorship at St. Mary’s Church in North Grafton, the Catholic Diocese of Worcester has joined a growing list of new England dioceses that are cooperating with prosecutors by removing priests accused of sexual abuse. At the same time, however, the diocese continues to allow Rev. Peter Inzerillo, of St. Leo’s Church in Leominster, to serve as associate pastor, despite the fact that he was accused of sexual abuse in a civil suit that was settled in 1999 for $300,000.  The situation is inconsistent in comparison to actions of the Catholic archdiocese of Boston and other dioceses  in New England, according to Philip A. Saviano, head of the New England chapter of SNAP-the Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests.’ By the Boston standards, Father Inzerillo would not be working’ said Mr. Saviano….”47

                Then we get in this same paper “Pedophile priest sentenced to jail: First trail brings Geoghan six years.” 48

                This day, Friday, it keeps coming. The Catholic Free e Press on page prints “Bishop put pastor on leave: s/sexual misconduct alleged. We read “Following an allegation of sexually misconduct with a minor n 1967, Bishop Reilly has place Father John J. Bagley on administrative leave from his position as pastor of St. Mary’s Parish in north Grafton. The diocesan Pastoral Care committee will investigate the clam…Though the bishop considered the allegation credible, his decision to place Father Bagley on administrative leave does not mean the pastor is guilty, according to Msgr. Pedone.”49 

                Now, I read this and see how and the Worcester Chancery minions have somewhat changed their “tunes.” I had to tell in secretary to go for an evolution in Hartford- gone in the night. Bagley is reported here to have met privately with Bishop Reilly where he was informed that he would be placed on administrative leave according to Pedone. No one was saying anything about my situation when it occurred. It was like the three monkey statue. Stories were rampant- absconded with $40,000, etc. My bishop (Harrington) tells me in a lightning appearance in Hartford that I’m “guilty till proven innocent.” Then when my doctor tells the bishop that I’m not a pedophile, Harrington snaps back at him and says” “I’ll... find a doctor that will make him a pedophile.” Pedone tells the Catholic Free Press that Father Bagley being placed on administrative leave does not mean the pastors guilty. The Worcester Chancery Minuends, even with Reilly on board, had me “hatched, matched and dispatched.”

                Better, yet. I read in this issue of “The Bishop’s Paper”- Catholic Free Press “A Statement from Bishop Reilly.” 50 on Father Bagley. I guess I spell my name differently because nothing and I mean nothing was ever recognized by Worcester concerning me. I, already, was a “no-person” in Church terms. But, the Worcester Chancery was evolving in pubic relations especially with Bagley’s case.

                Now, to conclude this present day, this same Catholic publication gives us on page three “Experts says there is treatment, but not cure for pedophilia.” 51 If one reads this article by Kevin Luperchio who writes he sources are two individuals with doctorates in psychology and gives us this overview.

                Oh! No one would listen in my particulars that after a nine week evaluation at the Institute of Living, Hartford and a legal document stated emphatically that I was not a pedophile. Was there another agenda or agendas that the Worcester Chancery needed to do to me?

                I was “invited” in for a conversation, condemned and railroaded with the understanding that like a world cruise was being offered to me, I would have been crazy to pass it up- evaluation at IOL, Hartford. Yah! Was Father Bagley given the same procedure? The bishop even met privately with him in his office which obviously was a public relations imaging.

                Was I encountering what I heard Jeff Greenfield say in a report on CNN-TV this day that “Sometimes, there is no solution (about issues). How fixed? One side gives up.” How about one side does nothing. You hear nothing, never contacted and exist in a vacuum. This is what I was experiencing for some time. 

February 24, 2002

                I was hearing about a report that Worcester District Attorney gave from his office of an overview of crime rate. He had reported that his office had a Sexual Abuse Investigative Network to respond to the child abuse cases. He has said that the network was designed to promote rapid intervention in case of suspected abuse and to minimize the stress and trauma that the court process inflected on the young victims and their families. He spoke that the Social Services and Worcester County law enforcement personal cooperate in such cases. He, also, said that now his office has over 300 cases per year. It was down, according to him, from 500 cases a year in Worcester County for a long period of time. He said that the problem with recent sexual abuse cases involving the clergy was that amount of time elapsed. It seemed the “Mandatory Reporting law,” by which any caretaker must report suspected case of child abuse. Before the law took effect in 1984, Conte has said that their were nine case in his office. Two year later, in 1986, his office had too child abuse cases. He spoke that the statue of limitations on rape was 15 years, while the statue of limitations for indecent assault and battery is sex years. There was no statue of limitations, however, on suits.

                So, now we get in the Catholic Free Press (2/22/02) an article by staff writer- Tanya Connor. “Workshop helps ‘heal the wounds’ of abuse.” She writes “In the wake of the devastating announcement this week that another priest in the Worcester Diocese has been accused of sexual misconduct with a minor, a new retreat workshop about healing winds in the church seems all the more pertinent. Passionate Father John Powers (Fr. Roberge's friend) at Calvary Retreat Center in Shrewsbury, says he added a workshop about “Healing the Wounds’ to weekend retreats there after the September 11^th terrorist attacks.” 52

                It is peculiar how September 11^th and alleged sex abuse is marketed. The media and even retreat personal have an interesting bonding of reporting and selling programs. This article reported such a mixed bag of concepts by Powers as acceptance, claiming, reframing and proclaiming of feelings where ultimately Christ will rise even through this. It is much more than this process because three are other areas of objectivity as issues of authority and power- one of my favorite subjects- that needed to be added to a discussion or presentation to be mentioned. But a simple answer approach to complicated issues may cause more havoc than healing. Again, I get “just thinking.” But, this reporter in this article from the Catholic Free Press asked “Are retreaters helped by this process.” ‘Oh, yes,’ Father Powers maintains. “He says it’s his way of describing what other spiritual writers have called the purgative illuminative and unites ways of maturing in faith. I can bring that to any feeling question or thought and it helps me to get stuck in the tomb of one particular feeling.’ he says of the process’ “53

                It keeps on coming this day through the local newspaper of a “Letter-to-the-Editor” in Worcester Telegram & Gazette from a David J. Matyczynski of Worcester entitled “Williamson, LaBaire so real courage.” This was in response to a column of Dianne Williamson with F. LaBaire of Westboro. He writes “…this Roman Catholic supports and applauds Ms. Williamson and Father LaBaire for their courage and crusade. They are not attacking the Roman Catholic Church. They are identifying the immoral culprits who hide behind the protection of church robes and collars. Ms. Williamson and Father LaBaire are truly saints deserving Christian canonization. These two have renewed my faith in bout church and man.” 54

                The Boston Globe, this day gives us two articles on priest abuse: “Hundreds now claim priest abuse: Lawyers report flood of alleged victims,” by Walter V. Robinson and “Church cloaked in culture of silence” by Thomas Farragher. 55

                Greeley publishes in his weekly article of the Daily Southtown (Chicago) of “Pedophilia and celibacy.” He says “When pedophilia back in the news after a half decade of silence, the usual suspect are about and abroad blaming the sexual abuse of children on priestly celibacy. The advocates of a married priesthood, the supporters of the ordination of women, former priests who practice psychology are all filling up newsprint and TV clips with self-serving pronouncements. The problem is not celibacy but rather a dangerous trait in clerical culture-an excessive compassion for priests who are in trouble-one wouldn’t know that in my particulars. Like cops and doctors, priest stand by their own, sometimes when they shouldn’t…As someone show has written repeatedly on the subject (pedophilia) since 1985-and got myself into a lot of trouble for some-I was astonished to learn that bishops in Boston and other dioceses were still reassigning such men to pastoral work n the early 1990s. They just have known they were asking for trouble.” 56

                Now, here I was in my cave (studio apartment) reading these Sunday articles and I received a call from a fellow priest about going out to lunch. It was a while since I heard from this guy. So, I accepted the invite. The insights of listening to this priest were a classical “dumping” and ego trip on his part. By this time, in my experiences of late, I knew that my “filter” had to be in place with what was being shared with me-more of that being told to me. I had to be on my toes for discernment of what he was telling me and then what he was not telling me. It was one of those classic lunch times that had me more exhausted than anything I had experienced in some time. He rolled on that Fr. Donald Baker of Sacred Heart; Garner was allowed to leave the rectory for that week because reporters wee circling his rectory after six pedophiles lived there. Sorry, Father. This was where I was pulling up my high-water booths. He then told me how Bishop Reilly came to his church for a ceremony on the previous Friday and how the bishop look “tired” from the past week. Then, I was told about a workshop he attended in the diocese on changes in the Mass. He said it was excellent. He spoke how he even raised a question from the floor about the “collect” of the Mass and how it was much more appropriate in the French Canadian publication. It was what we, in clerical circles, call “Show Time” and make sure the bishop sees you. Let’s not forget that I was not invited to this “mandatory” workshop on the Mass. This guy was, in my opinion, raising this to have me in my place. He had this obvious characteristic of making sure you were in a lower status then himself either academically, pastorally or personally. Then, I had to hear how he sat, at the workshop, with a group of French priest and that’s all they spoke about was the sex abuse issue in the diocese for the past few weeks. This conversation continued on about Father Andy Genette was going aging in April to Florida and this priest was asked to help cover for funerals if needed. There used to be this clerical rivalry between this guy and Genette- besides being French-in how much time they were able to take from their parish assignments. I have to hear this about Genette and in the same sentence how Genette when he is at the parish-Holy rosary, Gardner- works had when in the rectory with his committees. Oh? Genette, we all knew was on the golf course most of the time. Then, when we wee finishing our lunch, this priest shots an angry comment in how my allegation case was with girls in a very sarcastic jab. I replied that it didn’t matter who they claimed it was because I did not do any such. Mostly likely, this did matter to him. It was as though I wanted the crown of thorns pushed into my skull with this type of person but the complete opposite was in my mind. It was an experience that had me, actually, enjoys driving back to “The Cave.” 

February 25, 2002

                The next day the Worcester Telegram & Gazette carries and article “Rev. Bagley’s removal stuns Grafton parish.” It states “Grafton-Eight years ago, he Rev. John J. Begley stepped into S. Mary’s parish with decades’ worth of experience as a Chancery priest and big plans for the small, plain church to which he was assigned. In just a few years, he spearheaded a massive expansion’ renovation project that would cost nearly $1 million and he energized a parish than some say was suffering from spiritual doldrums. Now parishioners are reeling from the news that Rev. Bagley has been accused of sexual misconduct with a minor. The man who was once a commanding presence in the pulpit-and a skilled organizer and fundraises-is no anywhere to be found. He has been place on administrative level and even his closest friends in the parish say they don’t know where he is. They say no one saw this scandal coming…Along with shock, some people expressed disbelief at the charge against Rev. Bagley.” 57

                After reading this article and some of the points mentioned about Bagley in the parish had to have someone inform the reporter. One had to realize that Bagley was the head chairman on the Worcester Diocesan Millennium Celebration. Therefore, Bagley was in a position with media and city officials to be a man in the know. This reporter’s article did glorify Bagley. But, we get nothing else.

                This article may have described exactly my situation at St. Edward’s in Westminster. But, the Harrington underlings made sure absolutely nothing was mentioned nor reported about me or the parish. I had achieved a similar “massive” program of $1 million renovation and new building. Even, where the diocese sent me for an evolution only a few months from burning the mortgage for all the parish upgrades. Besides, I was never able to give a response of my circumstances or exile. So, I had to also her at this time how the largest mental illness in the country is “anxiety disorder.”  Possibly, it would have been addressed as the dragnet going through the water syndrome. Even, I recalled that Dr... Leslie Lothesten of IOL, Hartford was quoted in Newsweek: “They’re (priest) suspicious, terrified and anxious. Everybody has shame.”

This was how I felt walking in the “Ward” in Hartford. It was talked about with other priest as a prison with curtains. Therefore, reading about Bagley and Grafton had me wonder of how the diocese was handling me- none person.

                This Monday morning had me receive a cal from my cousin, John Bish from his office in the Western District Court House- East Brookfield. He told me that he needs my help to check the e-mail on Molly Bish’s Web page. He said he was so busy that he was a not able to keep up with the web page. He wanted me to read the e-mails to see if anything strange came in. He and magi were on TV- Channel #56 on Saturday night with the story that they sent an e-mail to the parents of a seven year old girl abducted in California. John said that “the media in California were going about it wrong. The media is chasing the story of the parent’s lifestyle.” John said they are missing the point of the missing girl. What was peculiar in this phone call from him in that I was able to hear a computer keyboard being used? He was talking tome and doing something with his computer. Well, one may never figure something’s out in life. 

February 26, 2002

                This morning newspaper gave us “Suspended priest raps archdiocese: Climate of fear, injustice cited.” We read: “Lowell- A priest suspended after an allegation of sexual abuse surfaced 31 years later lashed at the archdiocese, saying its pursuit of pedophiles is fostering fear and injustice. The Rev. D. George Spagnolia denied any misconduct and criticized Cardinal Bernard Law’s new policy of suspending accused priests before they’re give a chance to defend themselves and reporting to authorities the names of all current and former priests who’ve been accused. That process denies the accused the right to due process, he said. ‘As evil as the abuse of a child is, do we respond to that with another evil?’ Spagnolia said from the altar at St. Patrick Parish in Lowell….’I have done nothing wrong. I demand due process.’ “Spagnolia was the first of 10 active priests suspended under the cardinal’s new policy to speak out in hiss own defense. ‘It’s turning into a witch hunt,’ said Jacqueline Carnally, 66 (age).  “This policy of no tolerance as it is being implemented does not arrive at justice, but clocks fear and arrogance in the mantle of righteousness,’ Spagnolia said. When asked if Law should resign, Spagnolia said the cardinal ‘should have his day in court.’ “

                But, today, we get on the front page of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette the story “Priests names index abuse settlement: Document obtained by T &G has confidentiality clause.”  We read: “Worcester- A confidential settlement agreement between a Catholic priest and the Uxbridge man who sued him for sexual abuse included provisions, protecting three other priests from lawsuits and public disclosure of their identities. The settlement was the result of a lawsuit filed in 1993 by Mark D. Barry, who accused the Rev. Thomas A. Kane of molesting him over several years starting in 1968 when Mr. Barry was 9yers old. The document, ac of which was obtained last week by the Telegram & Gazette, also prohibits Mr. Barry from publicly discussing or taking legal action against the Rev. Thomas Teczar, the Rev. Robert Shauris and the Rev. Monsignor Brendan Riordan, as well as the Worcester Diocese, the four priests’ current and former bishops, and numerous diocesan employees and representatives. The names of the tree priest other than Rev. Kane had never been publicly linked to the Barry case…The October 1995 settlement is signed by Bishop Daniel P. Reilly and Monsignor Edmond Tinsley of the Worcester Diocese. Mr. Barry, who now lives in Northbridge, was awarded $42,500. (Lawyers’ fees).” 59

                The article continued on: “Rev. Shauris was listed as being on leave from the diocese in 1995. He has no assignment from the church and is listed as a part-time faculty member at the Worcester campus of Curry College. Contacted at his Worcester home yesterday, Rev. Shauris said, ‘I have nothing to say to you,” then hung up the phone.”60 Another priest told me that Shauris was telling others that he knew nothing about this. He, also, said he was not getting a lawyer. I heard this through priest talk-plotki (Polish) - gossip with a degree of sarcasm. .

                The article, also writes : “Mr. Shea, who is licensed to practice (law) in Massachusetts and who represented Edward Gagne in his sexual abuse lawsuit against the diocese, said he was shocked when he learned the contents of the secret agreement. ‘Either a federal or state grand jury should be convened immediately,’ he said. (This is the lawyer that was a seminarian in Providence during the time Reilly was a Chancellor- Monsignor.) The settlement document outlines conditions of the agreement and is dated Oct. 6, 1995. Bishop Reilly had been leading the Worcester Diocese for less than a year when he signed the agreement. Mr. Shea said the document appears to open the door to charges against Rev. Kane including transporting a minor across state lines for sex. ‘I can only conclude that there was a ring of priests who passed Mr. Barry around.” Mr. Shea said…Mr. Shea said the agreement demonstrates that Bishop Reilly and Monsignor Tinsley had ‘actual knowledge’ of criminal accusations lodged by M. Barry as were part of an effort to keep those accusations out of the public view. Diocesan lawyer J. Gavin Reardon Jr. denied Mr. Shea’s assertions, adding that there is no evidence to suggest that is the case...” 61

                Then the article concludes “The issue of a ‘loose association or network’ involving sexual activity by priests arose publicly in 1993 when 20 priests were called to the law office of then-diocesan lawyer James Reardon at specific times so that one parts would be gone from the questioning before another arrived, according o lawyers who represented some of the priests at the time. The lawyers told the T&G that their clients were ordered by then Bishop Harrington to undergo interviews in which they were questioned about activity unbecoming of priests and if they were part of any group sexual activity involving minors.” 62

                His goes back to 1993 where I was sent by Harrington (1993) to Hartford- Worchester’s Poster Boy. Also, when in Hartford, Fr. Kiley asked me if there was a sex ring operating in Worcester. The dots- get connected more and more. But, I am no where in the picture- even feeling more removed. 

                Insight time: It seems for me nowadays that we can read the Bible where the truth is in that it only makes sense if you read between the lines like you have to in life. The Bible is not a newspaper reporter giving us a story. I think of hearing one time in scripture (Bible) class of the Jesus and Peter sequence. Jesus tells Peter to leave his net and follow him many observers were amazed-as well as Peter- to make such a leap those observers must have been talking: “Well, he’s obviously met him (Jesus) before. Amazing things can happen in life.

                Another “dynamic” insight: Common decency suggests that I be treated as innocent until proven otherwise. Common sense suggests that accusations made now before the fact are in, are likely to be wrong. Unfortunately, neither common decency, nor common sense will carry the day in today’s atmosphere.

                Working in the ministry as a priest had me realize that there was a different way of thinking. I didn’t understand any of this while in seminary or even after ordination   never mind anything I had to deal with after ordination and becoming a “pastor.” There was a different way of thinking. I am insinuating from a theological or historical perspective. 

March 1, 2002

                I was having lunch with my only priest contact of the diocese and did I get the penetrating remarks directed at me. It was an atmosphere of media and others giving sordid details of the church sexual abuse scandal that seemed to really surface since my January meeting with Bishop Reilly.

                The Good Father started. He wanted me to know in secrecy that the priest got a FAX the previous Tuesday that Bishop Reilly will attend the Annual Day of Recollection at Calvary Retreat Cent, Shrewsbury and “speak” to the presbyter (diocesan priest). This guy say: “You priest (Administrative Leave) will never be put back into ministry.” Nothing surprised me here. But, the remark being directed at me in spitefulness was the issue. My heart sinks every time that I hear this, in addition to any news of Worcester DA vs. Bishop Reilly.  This fellow priest, continued on with a siege mentality that we priest (Administrative Leave) “wont’ be able to wear the roman collar in public with all the latest media coverage of the sex scandal. (Never was told anything as such.) He had to carry this to the point of telling me: “They don’t wear the collar in Quebec because of the bad attitude towards the church in Quebec. It was know fact that for years, priest didn’t wear a collar that frequently in Quebec because of reason- identification with the people in a baptismal nature. So, this was this guy’s “lording-over” personality spilling over into the present situation. He was uptight, even, about his custodian-Joe- talking about priest  Fr. Spagnola of Lowell. He does not want to hear about anything in the media about priest. When I mentioned that this priest had public ally admitted he had a gay relationship when he on leave and that he said he broke his vow of celibacy. In addition, I said that Spagnola message was of fear and injustice of the hierarchy. I was snapped back at with the question: “What has that got to do with pedophilia?” Add onto this, he would not read anything of the same nature or wanted to hear anything about priest and pedophile. I noticed how this guy had his right hand on his knee and was nervously tapping his finger. It was an explosive situation. I noticed that this guy was very jumpy and nervous of late. Today, it showed it character. He flared out with: “Clergy talk had been wondering why it took so long with Bagley?” There was this “gossip line” in the diocese. Obviously, I was not part of it and actually did not know who was in on it or how many existed. This priest arrogance went relating that he planned to keep the French clique issue going because the Irish have their group in the diocese. I’m an American of Polish ancestry. So, there was a third group in my diocese to content with. I belonged in “no-mans-land” in relation to these cliques- never mind being heterosexual. He had to tell me how at the Grand Seminary in Montréal how the French students would hide the statue of St. Patrick on St. Patrick’s Day.  There was a mentality of elitism, snobbishness and aloofness of the French guys. So, while he was getting out of my car, he directed at me: “Don’t get married before the next time I call you!” What was going on with this guy? He did dominate with his personality a constant mind control game. Who really needs anything like this experience? I, also, realized that this guy played the appeaser role with certain French priest because he looked for “safe priest- never to over stage him” for weekend coverage when he was gone for an average of nine or ten weeks each year. Show time on his part. But, I only listened with a silence of “Give me a break” approach.

                Now, this day gives us a picture of the game being played by the Worcester Telegram & Gazette and the Worcester Diocese. We get from the Worcester Telegram & Gazette in the morning “diocese has not released names of accused priest.” Nangle and Shaw of the T&G report “The roman Catholic Diocese of Worcester has to complied with a request to release the name of priests accused of sexual abuse and their accusers, according to District Attorney John J. Conte...Diocesan spokesperson Raymond L. Delisle said yesterday that the diocese plans to cooperate with the district attorney’s office ‘on a case-by-case basis…Considering the district attorney’s office cannot do anything with direst’ names without alleged victims, we are co-operating with the district attorney as soon as any alleged victim decides to take their case to the authorities to file a criminal complain,’ he said.” 63

                Then the Diocese comes out with its Catholic Free Press with front page “Diocese will cooperate with district attorney: Clergy reporting bill passes House.” We read: “The Worcester Diocese will release informational bout past allegations so sexual misconduct against priest to the Worcester District Attorney’s office on a case-by-case basis, according to Raymond L. Delisle, diocesan director of communication.” But, this article goes on to explain how the Massachusetts Catholic Conference (MCC) and a bill before both House and Senate of the state.

                First evading this, I wondered what the issue may have been. In my case, the Worcester Telegram & Gazette and Catholic Free Press carried stories about me. But, I realized that the media was after other names that the diocese or others may have been holding back with priest names. 

                We keep rolling with another article in the Catholic Free Press of “”Inside Washington: Church entering new phase in fighting clergy sex abuse.” The article states: The W. S. church may have been terming a new phase in struggle to eliminate sexual abuse of children by priests. As a result of recent events in Boston, bishops across the country may have to take a hard new look at whether they would publicly name all priests who have been credibly accused whether old case files should be turned over to prosecutors, and whether every priest who ever abuse a minor should be automatically barred from ministry for life.” 65 

March 4, 2002

                We get today from The Boston Globe “Vatican stance on gay clergy criticized: Scholars see a ban slashing priesthood.” It reports “The Vatican, in its first comments on the clergy sexual abuse crisis, declared this weekend that gay men should not be ordained as priests-The comments by Joquin Navarro-Valls, the chief spokesman for Pope John Paul II, were made at a time when a growing body of research suggest that a large proportion of Catholic priests are gay, and scholars who study sexuality and the priesthood said any effort to bar them would lead to a dramatic reduction in the number of priests in the United States. ‘If they were to eliminate all those who were homosexually orientated, the number would be so staggering that it would be like an atomic bomb, it would do the same damage to the church’s operation,’ said A. W. Richard Sipe, a former priest and psychotherapist…” It would mean the resignation of at least a third of the bishops of the world. And it’s very much against the tradition of the church, many saints had a gay orientation, and many popes had gay orientations,” Sipe said. “Discriminating against orientation is not going to solve the problem.” At issue at the beginning of the 21^st century is the growing perception, one seldom contested by those who know the priesthood well, that the priesthood is becoming, a gay profession,’ the Rev. Donald B. Cozzens, then rector of a Catholic seminary in Ohio wrote in “The Changing Face of the Priesthood,’ a book published in2000 by Liturgical Press…Several studies have concluded that about half of priests and seminarians are gay. Cozzens wrote. The number of gay priests is so high that seminaries have become increasingly uncomfortable place for heterosexual men, he wrote... (Eugene Kennedy)  We have always had gay priest, and they have often been models of what priests should be. Today that thesis men should be kept from the priesthood is itself a challenge to the grace of God and an insult to them and the people they serve. The church ahs not only many gay priest, but man gay bishops, and they are some of the most wonderful priest I’ve known…The big question is to whatever hey are gay or not, but do they from healthy relationship with the people they serve, he said.” 66

                Back to my observation: They (gay bishops and priests) think differently and it’s the prevailing atmosphere. Try living in that structure, in addition to power and authority, as a heterosexual. I realized the theological and historical development which had me specially dealing with the ministry, liturgically, educationally and pastorally. It was a daily challenge to be myself.

                Again, in addition, this day we get a front page cover story in the weekly Newsweek with Cardinal Law picture with “Sex, Shame and the Catholic Church.” The article is entitled “Sins of the Fathers: For years, Boston’s cardinal kept on priests who had been accused of molesting children. Now Catholics across America are confronting similar scandals and questioning the secretive culture of the church.” 67 This article begins with Boston then covers stories on all areas of the country. It is a blistering article of an overview by Newsweek...

                In addition this issue of Newsweek appears and inset in their main feature article- “Where the Abusers Go for Help: Intervention and confrontation, but no cure_ picture of The Institute of Living (Hartford). It states: “When priests who have sexually abused children or teenagers arrive for treatment at the Institute of Living in Hartford, Conn., they’re ‘suspicious, terrified, anxious,’ says Dr. Leslie Lothstein, director of clinical psychology. ‘Everybody has shame.” Every year, six to eight such priests are treated at the tranquil 35-acre campus dotted with Tudor-style cottages and ancient oak trees. Sent by their bishops, or sometimes by the courts, they hail from around the country and the globe, and through a combination of behavioral therapy and drug treatment they confront their sexual disorder…Eventually, if treatment manager decide that a priest is ready-based on close observation and psychological testing-he is releases. At that point, it’s up to the church- or the courts-where he goes next. What’s certain, though, is that it shouldn’t be anywhere near kids.” 68

                This article was conservative with the number of priest going in and out in the nine weeks I experienced Hartford to be evaluated as not being a pedophile. In my time in 1993, there were at least 15 to20 every three weeks going through the doors. In addition, I never did take any anti-depressants or any other medication. It was offered by my doctor if I wanted anything... Alcohol was my issue in the 70s. Then my bishop, in 1993, just tells me to go after the evaluation and he will contact me- Worcester’s Poster Boy sent to ‘The Cave.’ 

March 5, 2002

                We get another article in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette on names of priests: “Conte seeking information in priest abuse cases.” This time Richard Nangel gets his turn from the T&G Staff: “Worcester-district Attorney John J. Conte said yesterday he has not called on Attorney General Thomas F. Reilly (State Attorney General) to intervene in negotiations with the Catholic Diocese of Worcester, but he said he will not rule out the possibility. Mr. Conte indicated thanks between the diocese and his office seems to have become more productive in recent days. ‘We’re getting some cooperation,’ he said, ‘But want to leave all options open.’ “69

                But, if I read the last issue of the Catholic Free Press, it stated that the diocese was addressing this issue. One wonders about the media in Worcester with such a campaign overall. But, some people tell me that it is there job. Job to do what? 

March 6, 2002

                The Worcester Telegram & Gazette gives us this day in the “People’s Forum (letters-to-the-editor): Catholic Church problems affect both clergy, laypeople” with four printed letters. In an overview of these four letters that this paper has printed together, they have a “encourage our good priests and do what we can to eliminate the bad.” 70 

March 8, 2002

                I get a phone call from “Father Peacock” in the morning asking me if I want to go to lunch after he made his hospital calls. I accepted realizing that this guy is my only contact in any way with church personal.

                He picked me up at my place- The Cave. As soon as I entered his car he began. He told me how since he last spoke to me that he attended the Bishop’s Fund Dinner (mandatory) and the afternoon of Recollection at Calvary Retreat Center, Shrewsbury. He said that the Sunday, New York Times had an article about gay priest and the Vatican. I told him that I did not read it. But, I would be interested to see the copy. He did his regular “jug” by saying that he does not have it anymore because he threw it away. Next! (As usual) He related that at the Shrewsbury gathering one priest who he said had to remain anonymous publicly announced that he was gay and spoke with Bishop Reilly in attendance. Another priest spoke that we know has the gift of gave said  that Rome sends out so many documents, it would take 20 years to read them all. He had to add physical features of this same priest had developed a fat, blotted face. Oh? I reacted by saying that this type of description usually is someone that has been drinking or is on medication. I received back a blank stare. Games were being played in this conversation.  Another priest was described with his eyes on the ceiling when he talks of the theoretical nature of sex abuse. Another guy at this gathering spoke privately to “Father Slick” that he was mad at Cardinal Law. I had to hear that the group attending wanted to get it over with by throwing the priest out that have been alleged. It was said with intensity and angry at me and strongly said. This was what I was hearing and observing. What I was, also, observing was this priest expressing his “lording-over” attitude in addition to his ego. He descried Bishop Reilly to be sitting thee and appalled when a priest speaker finished. He told me that he had to leave the meeting early (usual style) because “his ride” wanted to leave. I felt that he was testing me to ask who he went with-most likely he drove himself. I did not go there with any questions. I played the poker face approach. This lunch was another situation where I had to listen and watch this guy portray an attitude of having one-up on me and that he had this information to share, but overall, I felt to keep my in my place. It was strenuous and uncomfortable on my part.

                In a side issue, he had to tell me how he went, during this dame week, to the Bishop’s Fund Dinner with his deacon and a coupe from his parish. He had the deacon drive. I had to hear how Bishop Reilly ‘signaled” him out by coming over to his table and was speaking o him in French.

                So, as usually happened, when returning, I was getting out of the car that he had to tell me; “You guys (alleged) will never go back (parish).” He said this with such intensity and picking nature that I only looked at him and said: “Have a nice day.” Here I was again very glad to enter “The Cave” with such a lunch and update. What I have learned listening to “Fr. Peacock” was that there was some truth what he was telling me. But, he would exaggerate in a superlative slanted way to dig his, personal, point of view. One was not able to talk with him without him slanting his superlative nature-ego. Actually, traveling with him was exhausting. You never relaxed by whom I mean: What is coming next? By the way, it was a Friday- another Good Friday with this guy. Sunday (Easter) is coming!

                I walked back to my place and picked-up my mail to read the latest issue of the National Catholic Reporter. The front cover featured Cardinal Law in crozier and staff with “The troubled clergy culture.” This issue carried articles: “Priest says he’s innocent, fights for his job- A Boston case raises questions about due process (Spagnolia),”

“Bringing get=it-done spirit to the curia (John L. Allen Jr.), “Suits may cost archdioceses $100 million: Boston cardinal promises to settle priest pedophilia cases quickly,” “Cover-Story- Fall From Grace Abuse scandals strain an already crumbling institution- by Eugene Cullen Kennedy,” “Book Review- A wicked parts and a shattered marriage: Seduction lead to tragedy in day of Vatican II- Clerical Error: A True Story by Robert Blair Kaiser,” “Editorial- Sex Abuse Scandal: Time for a full account.” 71 This coming weekend had me reading practically this complete issue cover to cover and going on the internet for related articles.

                My day was not finished because I turned on my computer on went on the web find “The Word from Rome” by John J. Allen, Jr. This issue, he wrote “Clergy sex abuse: an Anglo-Saxon story.”  He writes that he has reflected on the question: Why is this story told almost exclusively in English? He sees four factors accounting for this: Differing pressures on the pries, differing concepts of public interest, Tort law, and minority status. He states: “I do not believe for a minute that the difference is the result of priest in Australia or the United Stated being any worse than Italians, or Spaniards, or anyone else. Human nature being what it is, I take it for granted that distorted behavior, including sexual misconduct, is probably just about the same everywhere.” 72 This last statement by Allen, I totally agree with on the sex abuse issue. There is much more that has to be addressed about the system of the Church as such.

                It had been a very interesting day where there had been times that I was isolated in regards to what was happening in the Church.  

March 9, 2002

                It keeps coming in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette. This Saturday, we read: “Fla. Bishop admits sex abuse, quits.” The article by The Associated Press- Ken Thomas states: “Palm Beach Garden, Fla.-A Roman Catholic bishop admitted molesting a teenager 25 years ago submitted his resignation yesterday, becoming the highest-ranking clergyman brought down in a wave of allegations touches off by the sex scandal in Boston. ‘I am truly deeply sorry for the pain, hurt, anger and confusion I have caused,’ said the rev. Anthony J. O’Connell, bishop of The Diocese of Palm Reach. ‘I’ve been loved since I entered this diocese, far more than anyone should be loved.’ O’Connell, who has been a priest for 38 years, was bishop of Knoxville, Tenn., before coming to Palm Beach in 1999. He succeeded J. Keith Symons, the first U.S. bishop to resign because of sexual involvement with boys. After that scandal Florida’s bishops began back ground checks for all clergy, lay employees and volunteers who work with children, elderly and disabled people.” 73 

March 10, 2002

                I recall reading some time back what Fr. Richard Rohr wrote about “luminal space” the Catholic Church. This impressed me because of my situation of being told by my bishop to go and he will contact me. This concept was a Jesuit model. Rohr related how a Jesuit novice master sent novices on a 20-day journey in which the novice was to survive, learn, beg, improvise, trust, stay in shelters, ask for hospitality and meet God n new ways. This is “luminal space.” This is St. Ignatius taken seriously. This is Jesus taken seriously.

                I have to remind myself of this. Whenever, I get in the “pity pot” mode, it is time to reflect on such parts of my journey.

                I had a visit with “Fr. Peacock” He invited me to Holy Thursday Dinner at his rectory. I immediately responded “No.” He became red faced and snapped back at me that I could have said: “No! Thank you.” He said that there were going to be three other priests besides himself.  He continued telling me that Bishop Reilly had to know that he at least tried with me. This caught me somewhat. “Fr. Peacock” was more interested in his image with Bishop Reilly. He must have had thoughts in his head about being appointed a liaison to priest on “Administrative Leave.” This would have been his way of struggling to be named a “Monsignor.” One would be able to see the frustration and anger in this priest because of never having that bestowed on him- His Excellency. You have to watch this guy play this role. It was secondary that a priest was “hurting” or anything else. He had himself and only himself in anything he did- very self-centered. I describe this type of personality as having a string attached to something around the corner.

                Another insight in my reading was that Bishop Reilly seemed to have been making a distinction between pedophile and misconduct with teenagers especially with Fr. Peter Inzarello.  This was noticeable in a number of readings and discussions of late. One had to realize that Inzarello was originally part of the Worcester Chancery henchmen by being “Vocations Director.” We parish priest, always, knew that the chancery henchmen were an elite, special protected group of priest.

                If you are on “Administrative Leave,” it seems as a Michael Higgins, who was a former priest and Canon Lawyer, who said: “It’s about like a movie. You’re convicted and then they try you.” He was offering to defend priests and deacons by an organization founded by canon lawyers in 1997. He did make a remark to the nature that the bishop’s wren running scared and their bottom line was that the wanted to protect the diocesan officials and church system. 

March 11, 2002

                There appears a blistering reaction to an article in The Boston Herald entitled: “Homosexuality is true plague on priesthood” by Joe Fitzgerald. This “Talk Back” person writes “ An old debating axiom holds that he who frames the question wins the issue, which is why militant homosexuals and their timorous allies in the politically correct movement are hell-bent on perpetuating the disingenuous notion that the crisis engulfing the Catholic Church as its root in pedophilia. It does not. It has its roots in homosexuality, and into call it anything else is to insult the intelligence of anyone who’s paying attention, especially anyone with access to a dictionary. Five days ago an anonymous priest, well-established in a thriving parish, shared here painful memories of the intimidation he experienced in seminary when he reported aggressive homosexuals to the administration. ‘There’s a subculture of gay priests and everyone knows it,’ he said. ‘The media don’t like talking about this because, by and large, they have come down on the side of gay rights, the advanceman of the gay agenda.’ The torrent of invective unleashed by that column would be difficult to describe: suffice to say, it was a truth a lot of people did not want to hear. But the backlash was wonderfully balanced by the number of other priests who called to concur, including one who personally experienced such wrath when he challenged the gay agenda from his pulpit…He (priest) asked that their names be kept confidential ‘because there’s an obvious sensitivity to this and I’m not looking to destroy anyone. But a lot of us are angry because we feel our reputations are being destroyed by the unwillingness of the church and the media to correctly identify the problem.’ Indeed, condemning pedophiles requires o courage because it assumes no risk. There is, however, a price to be paid for resisting the gay agenda, which is why we barley heard a word of protest three weeks ago when the state Supreme Judicial Court ruled it’s no longer anyone’s business, police included, when rest stops, parking lots, public beaches, wooden sites, etc., turning to playgrounds and cruising areas for all the James Porters who pollute the secular world, too.’ “74

                God help us. Someone else is thinking and willing to speak-out on this whole issue. It is too late for my career and ministry mainly due to the article in the newspaper about me in 1995. In addition, I had to read Bishop Rueger was quoted to say that I was “odd.” Really nice on Harrington’s chief henchman. 

March 12, 2002

                We get today from the Worcester Telegram & Gazette two articles on Rev. Victor A. Forbas: “Diocese not aware of Frobas’ problem,” by Richard Nangle and “Forbas case ‘painfully common” by Wire and Staff Reports. “A Catholic Diocese of Worcester spokesman said the diocese was too aware that the Rev. Victor A. Frobas was being treated for pedophile when he was staying at the former Hose of Affirmation in Whitinsville n the late 1970s. 75

                “The Massachusetts and West Virginia- Forbas ‘belonged’ to Wheeling, WV-lawsuits were settled and ordered sealed as in 1995 and 1996, Mr. Houle-formerly of Northboro, Mass- said last week that the Catholic Diocese of Worcester had known of Rev. Frobas’ tendencies since at least the fall of 1978. After Rev. Frobas sexually molested him in the St. Rose rectory, Mr. Houle said, he told his parents that night. Mr. Houle said he and his parents spoke the next day to then-Auxiliary Bishop Timothy J. Harrington and, a few days later, to the director of the House of Affirmation. ‘I told them exactly what Frobas had done to me,’ Mr. Houle said. ‘Harrington said, ‘You don’t have to go to the authorities.’ He promised that he would deal with his matter. I never was an altar boy again. I found out much later that Frobas stayed several more months and molested more boys.’ Mr. Houle said he received money in a settlement but is barred from disclosing how much. Bishop Harrington is deceased. Something else bothers Mr. Houle. He said diocesan officials in Worcester told him before Rev. Frobas’ death that he already was deceased. ‘When I found out I was lied to, I go his death certificate from Missouri,’ Mr. Houle said. ‘I still have it. I want to be sure.’ “76  

March 13, 2002

                Now we get “Church to give file to Conte: Names of priest, victims included” by Kathleen A. Shaw of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette. We read “The Catholic Diocese of Worcester has agreed to turnover to District Attorney John J. Conte any information he seeks about current and past allegations of sexual abuse of children by members of the clergy or other workers and volunteers.  He (Conte) noted that he can only criminally prosecuted cases that fall within the statue of limitations laws but stressed that he has an ‘aggressive record’ of prosecuting clergy when he has been legally able to do so…The diocese will give Mr. Conte any information he ask for, Mr. Delise (Diocesan spokesperson) said.” 77

                In continuing this story the Catholic Free Press reports on Friday “Diocese giving DA records of abuse cases” on page one. We read about DA Conte giving the usual state of limitations explanation and had not seen the list and will study it to see who may be persecuted. In addition, we read that Bishop Reilly speaking through Mr. Ray Delisle: “through the diocese will now turn over the names of alleged victims and the accused, Mr. Delisle said the diocese is maintaining confidentiality since those names are only be released to the district attorney’s office, not publicly.  Some individuals who spoke to the diocese about past instances of abuse have contacted the diocese to express concern about their names being disclosed to the district attorney’s office, Mr. Delise said. ‘Mr. Conte has an excellent record I this county…in not releasing information prematurely.’ Mr. Delisle said, ‘we don’t expect that (the names) will be public information.’ “78

                Since hearing this story of the bishop and the DA in Worcester, I was only reading the information as usual.  But, after a while, I let my “stinken thinking” take over and began to struggle emotionally with the situation with fear. Where did this come from? My case had been in the local newspaper. There was not anything hidden or secret. But, here I was. I identified this fear I was experiencing in what may be done against me. It was the opening-up of old wounds. The issue of my name coming out again was similar to a baseball batting line-up on the sports page of the newspaper.  There I recall: Let’s see what happens next attitude. I noticed that I wanted to sleep- escape technique? I did shut the TV off and didn’t even want to read. Yet, I only lay in bed wide awake. I was very tired for a period of time and realized that I needed at least a few winks of sleep. So, my mind raced from the atmosphere of the previous 9/11 attack, thinking about the news how we Americans were worried about President Clinton’s sex life, the sharks in Florida to mention a few thoughts. I needed to slow the racing brain down and get some rest-anxiety time. I began with not worrying to worrying. But, if anything, I realized what was happening with me. Change the procedure was the needed direction. Do it, as soon as possible was the way that I had to undertake. It was another learning experience that helped me take each day to build for the next “crunch” situation. It helped me become stronger in my overall journey. I had to realize that it had been nine years with these allegations that were going to be part of my life forever.

                Yet, that “fear buckets” filling had me worried when I entered my place and checked my phone calls, thinking a phone call from the diocese, wanting me for a possible call from the DA. It was the look I made at the answering machine and seen the red light blinking image with fear. 

March 16, 2002

                I had lunch with “Fr. Peacock” this noontime. He was extremely nervous and jumpy while we waited for our lunch to be delivered. Out of no where, he said that one-third of the priest is gay. I played the poker face with no response. I, always, knew that he played what I call “mind games” to get reactions. So, I was very careful to make no response in addition to watch my facial expression. He also related that so much on his plate and he had to do other things. I had no idea where he was going with this conversation. He was expressing a characteristic that was so different about him. Something was getting him very uncomfortable on his part. In addition, this particular lunch had a number of silent moments. I did mention how Bishop Reilly was publicly addressing the pedophile issue. He fired right back at me with a defense of Reilly that had me surprised. Then I mentioned that there was talk that Fr. Bartlett was removed from his parish. There was no reaction on his part which produced another period of silence. It was as though- the next one speaks loses. Loses what?  Control or mind games? What followed, after we finished eating was that I did not hear from him for a couple weeks. If he was probing me to find out what I knew, he was probably shocked in how little information I was sharing- nothing.

                Many times I felt in either having a coffee or lunch with this “Father Peacock” the old axiom: If you have hammer in your tool box, everything looks like a nail. Discussions were conducted in a “hammering” style of people place and things. It did, overall, affect me because this was not my make-up.  

March 17, 2002

                This Sunday morning, I said (offered) my daily Mass, prayed my breviary (Divine Office). In addition, periodically I would read the daily reflection: Courage to Change- One Day at a Time in Al-anon II. I found of late this work refreshing and targeted a style of doling with each day.

                Now, the Sunday local paper gives us on front page “Reilly being sued in three diocese-Bishop Reilly named in 30 lawsuits in 3 states.” The Worcester Telegram & Gazette reporters of Richard Nangle and Kathleen A. Shaw give us” As chancellor of the Catholic Diocese of Providence and the for 27 years as bishop of the Norwich, Conn., and Worcester, Daniel P. Reilly has been named in more thaw o lawsuits alleging sexual misconduct by priests under his charge. A frequent theme in the suits is that the response to suspicious and something formal complaints about the priests was to reassign them to another parish. None of the suits suggest the bishop was involved in any sexual misconduct.” 79

                Also on page one, “Bishop grappling with scandal” reports “In an interview at his home yesterday (Saturday), the bishop said the removal in recent weeks of the Rev. John Bagley and The Rev. Lee F. Bartlett from active assignments is painful, but also proof that the diocese is taking seriously any charges of sexual abuse of young people by its priests.” Bishop Daniel P. Reilly (pictured): “My task now is to stem this in the diocese here. We need to find some real solutions.” 80 This interview was extensive in reporting of approximately half a page.

                In addition the Worcester Telegram & Gazette gives us: “Bridgeport bishop did not report priests” by The Associated Press. The story is: “Hartford- Sealed court comments indicate Edward m Egan allowed several priests facing allegations of sexual abuse to continue working for years while he was bishop of the Roman Catholic Diocese of Bridgeport. Egan is now cardinal of the Archdiocese of New York. The Hartford Courant, in a story prepared for today’s (Sunday) editions, said it obtained copies of court documents that were sealed after lawsuits alleging abuse by priests in Bridgeport Diocese was fettled last year the newspaper said the documents indicate Egan failed to aggressively investigate some abuse allegations and did not refer complaints to criminal authorities.” 81

                The Worcester Telegram & Gazette this day has an editorial: “Wise move-Diocese to release data on accused priests: The Diocese of Worcester wisely has agreed to turn over to civil authorities all the information it has about past and current priests in the diocese who have been accused of sexually abusing children. Such accusations, lodged against more than a dozen priests in the diocese in the 1980s and 1990s, have been treated as internal administrative matters. Worcester District Attorney John J. Conte agreed with Bishop Daniel P. Reilly’s request to not make the information public unless there were prosecutions. The decision reflects the sense of hurt and betrayal felt by many church members and doubts about the advisability of keep9ing the information from authorities. Indeed, sexual assaults on minors are not internal problems but criminal whose victims often offer substantial, enduring harm. The decision, painful now should help to repair the creditability of the diocese and to ease the rifts within.” 82

                I now notice that this scandal was going to be a wild fire going through the whole country. It was going into every valley, canyon and mountaintop. But, I recall reading on the cartoon page on March 14, 2002 the Brenda Star sequence. It has Brenda Star at the hairdresser. The hairdressers telling her: “Oh! Everybody here is having an affair with everybody else, or enjoys imaging that’s true.” People’s lives with this wild fire atmosphere were being destroyed in addition to those abused. 

March 18, 2002

Monday morning and we read: “Removal of priest is pursued- Parents hire lawyer in Inzerillo matter” on page one.  Kathleen A. Shaw reports “Leominster- A group of parents from St. Leo’s Church has retained a Houston, Texas, lawyer to help them remove the Rev. Peter J. Inzerillo from the parish. Daniel j. Shea, licensed to practice law in Texas and Massachusetts, said he will represent the parents for $1. The parents plan to meet at 3 p.m. tomorrow at St. Leo’s rectory with officials of the diocesan school department. The parish operates an elementary school. ‘The parents will issue an ultimatum to the diocese. He wall be gone or there will be consequences,’ Mr. Shea said. He said several parents are involved in the group. ‘The days of pay, pray and obey are over,’ he said The parents are taking it upon themselves to study the issue of whether Rev. Inzerillo should remain in their parish,’ he said…Mr. Shea said the parents also intend to discuss with Charles E. McManus, diocesan school superintendent, an incident in which Rev. Inzerillo invited a group of youngster from the parish (St. Leo’s) on a trip and allegedly gave what Mr. Shea called an inappropriate sex talk. They claim Rev. Inzerillo who had been on leave about six years while the suit by M. Gagne was being settled, did this once he was returned to parish work. ‘This was her stupidity on his part,’ Mr. Shea said.” 83

Same publication we get: “Telling on priest no easy: Alleged victim want to protect today’s kids.” Dianne Williamson reports: “Joseph P cote sat somberly at a red-checked booth in a New Hampshire steakhouse. He toyed with his cigarettes and a glass of iced tea. He politely waved always a waiter about to recite the daily specials. ‘You have to understand that it’s very difficult for me to come forward,’ Mr. Cote said softly, his words measured and his emotions guarded. ‘I never really intended to. But with all that’s going on…So many other people are wiling to step forward, it’s given me the strength to do it, too.’ Last week, Mr. Cote called the Catholic Diocese of Worcester to report that as an altar boy he had been sexually abused by the Rev. Lee F. Bartlett, the popular and high-profile pastor of Sacred Heart of Jesus parish on Cambridge Street n Worcester. Beginning in1977, when he was 13, he said he spent many weekends with Father Bartlett and other boys at the priest’s Cape Cod ranch in Eastham, when the pastor would ply them with liquor and show pornographic movies on his 8 mm projector. On at les three occasions, Father Bartlett took M. Cote into his bedroom and sexually molested him; he said the priest also organized an event dubbed ‘the Greek Olympics,’ which involved the boys running naked through the neighborhood at night according to Mr. Cote. Mr. Cote said he reported his allegations on Thursday in a phone call to the Rev. Rocco Piccolomini, vicar for priests, who has requested a meeting with Mr. Cote. Meanwhile, a diocesan spokesman said Father Bartlett has taken a leave from his pastorship.” 84 

March 19, 2002

                It keeps on coming. Dianne Williamson of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette writes this day in her column “Anguish, outcry, support: The case of popular priest.” Here we get her writing on Farther Bartlett. One observation with this column is how Williamson uses “Father Bartlett” instead of her usual “Rev.” addressing a Catholic priest. In this column, I noticed how she changed addressing Bartlett to “Rev.” when she addressed the sexual abuse topic. Just an observation of her using “Father” and then “Rev.”

                Williamson writes: “For all the anguish and outcry, for all the support offered a popular Worcester priest who allegedly molested a young boy during drunken parties for youths on Cape Cod, one response is notably missing from the Worcester diocese and the cleric who ho stands accused: denial. As in, these claims are untrue. As in the Rev. Lee F. Bartlett did not do these terrible things and will fight to restore his reputation. When accused of behavior that could destroy a carrier and shatter the faith of loyal supporters, what innocent man would not cry form the rooftops that he has been wronged? (Wrong. Especially when your bishop (Harrington) keeps telling you’ “You’re guilty till proven innocent, Ted!”) Instead, as disbelieving parishioners struggle to reconcile their love and respect for Father Bartlett with allegation of child abuse, the priest promptly took leave from his pastorship at Sacred Heart of Jesus parish and retreated to his Cape home in Eastham…Yesterday, I spoke briefly to Father Bartlett by telephone from his home in Eastham and told him that I had received much feedback from supporters who refuse to believe that the beloved priest was involved in any wrongdoing. ‘That’s nice to hear,’ he said. I asked if he wished to deny the allegation recounted in Sunday’s column by Joseph P. Cote, 38, who said Father Bartlett sexually molested him at least three times in the 1970s, beginning when Mr. Cote was 13. Mr. Cote said he visited the persist about tow dozen times at his Eastham home, where Father Bartlett would entertain young boys by plying them with liquor and showing X-rated movies on his projector. ‘I’m not going on the record either way,’ Father Bartlett said. ‘That will be up to the bishop and up to my lawyer, if it gets that far.’ I also spoke yesterday to a California architect named Kevin Donnelly, 36, who was raised in Leominster. He initially contacted me with the request that I pass his name on to Mr. Cote so that Mr. Cote would know ‘he is by no means alone with this.’ After further conversations, Mr. Donnelly agreed to go public with his own experience- with Fr. Bartlett.” 85

                Then Williamson turns her article to Bishop Reilly.  She continued writing: “On Saturday, Bishop Reilly sat for an interview and spoke of an agreement reached with the district attorney, in whom the diocese will turn over the names of firsts accused over the years of sexual abuse, but the name will be made public. Since the state of limitations likely has expired in many of these cases, the possibility exits that the public will not learn the identity of pedophile priests. But the deal is good for the bishop and good for the District Attorney John J. Conte, who won’t have to wage a public fight against the church to which he belongs. ‘We’re following the law,” said Bishop /Reilly, who has been named in more than 30 lawsuits alleging sexual misconduct by first under his charge improvidence and Norwich, Conn. ‘And I don’t think we have to go b beyond that.’ What a rousing call to moral action. I can only imagine the potential for inspiration if a priest issued a similar challenge from the pulpit: go forth, and do what is legally required. And surely you cannot fault diocesan leaders for not abiding by law: When confronted with allegations of child abuse, they hired an attorney (Reardon) so skilled at lawyerly intimidation that he would be publicly rebuked by a judge for his stonewalling and savage grilling of victims…I have nothing but respect for people such as Joseph Cote, Kevin Donnelly and many other brave victims who contuse to face skepticism and even wrath by naming their alleged abusers. Their courage should save as an inspiration to those who have chosen the reputation of the church over truth and morality, the same people who, when faced with opportunities to promote leadership and conciliation, now insist that their only obligation is to follow the law.” 86

                Then, while seating at my computer and beginning writing my daily journal, I get a phone cal from Fr. Rocco Picclomini at the Chancery Office. - Vicar for the Clergy position. It was 1:00 p.m. and I guess I was the first call for him after lunch. I hear on the phone: “Thaddeus.” I recognized his voice besides being one of the only people that addressed me by my actual name. He said that they (Chancery) wanted to inform that the bishop was sending my name to the District Attorney. He then said that “we don’t know what the two girls want to do?” Oh? What’s that this mean. The two suites and the diocese settled the cases outright. So, what was this all about? He had to reiterate to me what he said in 1993 that my issue was beyond the statue of limitations. He repeated this with the comment that most likely was my case of the statue of limitations. Then he said that “we don’t know what Conte will do with this?” He repeated that Bishop Reilly was sanding a list of priest to DA Conte that had been named in sex abuse suits. He added that my case of “abuse of minor” being included on the list. He continued to regard that the diocese wanted me to be aware of this procedure In addition, he remarked “Your case was public. Conte must be aware of it, already. But, there is the issue of ‘statue of limitations.’ Then I had to hear him say: “We are a family. Your are part of this family.” Oh?

                I asked if I should attend the Chrism Mass next Tuesday. He answered: “Why not? It is a diocesan ceremony for al parts of the diocese. I asked “But what about TV cameras.” I said that my concern was what the bishop may think. He responded: “It is our diocesan event.  You are not in a public ministry. You should have no concern on attending. This will just not go away, Ted. It hurts all of us! Conte told the bishop that this list would be confidential. You have to know Conte conspiracy. He will immediately fire anyone that gives at a list or breaks his order.” I mentioned to him that I did not get an invite last year for the Chrism Mass. He said: “Oh, yes you did. A... part of the diocese was mailed an invitation to the Chrism Mass.” I answered back that I did not receive an invitation or for that matter anything from the chancery. I pulled back with Rocco on this point because he was getting arrogant with me about “mailing.” It was a hot button.

                Most of the conversation with him had him using the word abuse, abuse, abuse. Then he must have realized what he was doing and switched: “Alleged abuse on your part, Ted.” Good-bye, Rocco.

                This had me wondering of what, possibly, would develop next in my situation from a legal point of view. I called my civil lawyer, Attorney Ted Carey, in Boston. He was not available. Therefore, I left a message for him with the secretary. He never called me back and I waited. Yes! My fear buckets will file. I needed to kick the buckets over.

                Finishing- off this day, I was called and told that Deacon Rod Chasses of St. Edward’s was e-mailing parishioners in Westminster with a few articles from Catholic newspapers on pedophile priest. He obviously was targeting certain people in the parish. What was his agenda with this approach? But, here was a Deacon who is in the category of being a cleric. These guys- little priest- do portray that by less priest, they would get the center spotlight in the sanctuary. So, what was this guy’s technique at St. Edward’s where he knew that I was Pastor. Most likely parishioners were asking questions with all the media coverage of late. So, they get Catholic answers from this deacon guy. Would this be a hidden agenda in trying to help parishioners deal with the present crisis? But, he may have forgotten that things were hot in 1993-’95. Do we possibly have a “deacon” trying to push an agenda in know-it-all attitude? This was a know fact about what the rectory at St. Edward’s did portray in addition to having answers to questions that were often asked. By the way Deacon Chasses, I was judged as not being a pedophile. Doesn’t anyone mention that conclusion?

                In my readings on this issue of sex abuse crisis in the Catholic Church, I obtained 23 books up to this period of time. Periodical and newspaper articles that I researched were very numerous to say the least. So, when I hear someone says read this article has a very limited perspective of an issue or any issue. One has to put everything out on the table if justice is to be done to an issue. But, if they have an agenda, it may sell to certain type of person. 

March 20, 2002

                This experience of Rocco’s call had me filling my fear buckets. So, today, I e-mailed Dr. Zeman in Hartford. It read: Yesterday, Fr. Rocco, from Worcester Chancery Office called me. He said they want me to know the bishop is submitting a list of names of priest who have been named in abuse case to DA Conte of Worcester.  Fr. Rocco told me my name is on the list... I proceeded to call Attorney Carey in Boston ands was told he will call me when he gets back to his office... I will keep you updated.  Fr. Kardas 88

                Front page article, today, in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette “Church, parents at odds: St. Leo’s School, priest at issue.” It reads: “Leominster-A meting between officials of the Catholic Diocese of Worcester and parents concerned about conditions at St. Leo’s school and the presence of a controversial priest at the school and parish never took place yesterday (Tuesday.) Raymond L. Delisle, spokesman for the diocese, said the meeting had never been scheduled. He said a private meeting had been planned between church officials and parents of a former student at the school, which offers classes to elementary pupils and seventh and eighth grades. Daniel J. Shea, a lawyer representing some parents attending the parish school, told the Telegram and Gazette that the meeting had been arrainged by two parents who were named in a complain to the state Department of Social Services. The lawyer said other parents informed him they wanted to participate in the session and call for the removal of the Rev. Peter J. Inzerillo from the

Parish. Mr. Delisle pointed out that only the bishop of the diocese can remove a priest from a parish assignment…Mr. Shea said part of the meeting was to be devoted to a 51A complaint filed by Dr. F. John McLaughlin, a physician and president of the St. Leo’s School Board against Mr. and Mrs. Marcin Jean whose children attend the school. Mrs. Jean said yesterday that the doctor lodged the complain accusing her and her husband of abusing and neglecting their two children. She maintained that the complaint was in retaliation for concern the Jeans had raised sabot the physical condition of the school and about Rev. Inzerillo’s presence there.” 89 The article continues with “he said and she said” game. This goes along with my reiterating that most issue has a string tied to an issue around the corner. 

March 21, 2002

                It keeps on coming. This day we read in the local newspaper “Lawsuit claims boy was raped.” The article goes “Worcester-A Spencer man has filed a civil suit alleging he was raped when he was a child by the Rev. Brendan W. O’Donoghue, who is now retired. The alleged victim, Craig Lacare, names Rev. O’Donoghue and the Catholic Diocese of Worcester in the lawsuit filed Tuesday in Worcester Superior Court…M. Lacare said yesterday that he served as an altar boy in the 1970s in Our Lady of the Rosary parish in Spencer at the same time Edward L. Gagne was an altar boy there.  Mr. Gagne filed a civil suit alleging sexual abuse by Rev. O'Donoghue and the Rev. Peter J. Inzerillo in a case that was settled, with $300,000 gong to Mr. Gagne.” 90

                When O’Donoghue and Inzarello names appear anywhere, they open my eyes to read more. This was Bishop’s Harrington’s ‘very interesting priest” to follow in their careers. It keeps on rolling. 

March 22, 2002

                Now w get the Catholic Free Press weekly edition-front page “Bishop Reilly has announced that two diocesan priests are on administrative leave because of sexual misconduct allegations: Father Gerald p. Walch, pastor of St. Roch’s parish in Oxford, and Father Lee F. Bartlett, past of Sacred Heart of Jesus Parish in Worcester. The bishop said other priests will be overseeing those parishes. In a statement Wednesday, Bishop Reilly said he had placed Father Walsh on administrative leave from his duties as pastor effective that day, due to an allegation of sexual misconduct with a minor in the late 1970s. The bishop said he did this in order that the parish not is spiritually burdened during the investigation. Raymond L. Delise, diocesan director of communications, said that Msgr. Thomas J. Sullivan, diocesan chancellor, saw a copy of a letter Father Walsh wrote to his accuser, Thomas E. Edward.  Mr. Delise said Thursday’s Boston Herald report about the letter was accurate, The Herald repotted that in the letter, which was dated last Friday, Father Walsh acknowledged inappropriate touching and showing Mr. Bedard sexually graphic material. “Insincerely and profoundly ask you forgiveness for any harm that I may have caused you,” the Herald quoted the letter as saying…Father Bartlett was ordained in1972 and appointed pastor of Sacred Heart in1985. Recent letters from him in his parish bulletin suggested something was wrong, though he said nothing about the pending allegation and it was not clear whether he was even making a connection to it. In the last letter dated March 17, he said he get a full night’s slept, is tilled’ dead tired’ during the day and that ‘some days, it is an effort to smile. I have requested permission form the Bishop to make a brae of it, to leave behind parish work and paper work, and, even, to war ‘real cloths,’” he said. He said he will spend the time studding, praying taking walks, visiting friends and attending Mass. I have always tired to be a good priest,’ he told the parishioners. ‘If I have offended you in any way, please forgive me. My offence was not because of evil intent. If I have broken your heart, I’m sorry. But it is time for Lee Bartlett to take care of Lee Bartlett.’ He told them to stay together, pray together and be nice to their priest. In both cases the bishop said the priests will not be engaging in any public ministry in this diocese or elsewhere.” 91

                The Worcester Telegram & Gazette carries Father Walsh removal with “Rev. Walsh removed from parish: Oxford priest, a stat place chaplain, is accused of molesting a boy… the allegation against Rev. Walsh goes back more than 20 years and is clearly beyond the statue of limitations.” 92

                On the same page, we read “Residents shocked at report that priest admitted sexual abuse.” 93

                The front page gives: “Scandal cast ‘dark shadow’: Pope’s message says some betray ordination- ‘A dark shadow of suspicion is cast over all the other fine priests.’- Pope John Paul II.” 93 

March 23, 2002

                In continuing to read another article, another day on clergy sex abuse. The Boston Globe prints “Priest cites cost for speaking out: Tell of Springfield diocese is reprimand.” I reports: “Amherst- Five year ago, when the Rev. Bruce Teague noticed a convicted child molester was hanging around St. Bridget Church, he sent word to his superiors at the Diocese of Springfield. But after hearing nothing back from the diocese, Teague went to Amherst police, who issue a trespass order, threatening the child molester with arrest if he came back. Teague said that after his superiors got a copy of the order, he was reprimanded for going outside the church, touching off a dispute with Diocesan officials over his leadership of the parish and eventually led to his ouster as pastor. His transgression? The child molester he turned in was another priest. The diocese recently has cast itself as a leader in aggressively rooting out priests who abuse minors. Following the sexual abuse sandal that has roiled the archdiocese of Boston and dioceses across the country, Bishop Thomas Dupre has suggested that his diocese has fewer problems because it reacted to its own commission to handle wayward priests in 1993. As Dupre said in a statement handed out in the diocese’s 127 parishes last month. ‘Thanks to that imitative, we are I a relatively good position.’ But that commission was created indirect response to the 1992 conviction of the Rev. Ricardo laving-the same priest Teague sought to bar from his Amherst parish…The late Bishop John Marshall, who created the Misconduct Commission, was a  hard-liner who refused to let priest found to abuse children back into the church. But, Dupre, who replaced Marshall in 1995, created a reentry system that allows ousted priest to request new assignments though not with children.” 95

                The article only used this Teague story, as a primer, to report who nod what ones ex abuse in the Springfield Diocese. It is a similar reporter’s pattern in writing of late. We don’t hear any more about Fr. Teague.

                I had coffee with “Fr. Peacock” and agreed to ride with him to the Chrism Mass which was to be celebrated on Tuesday. I figured that if I was going to play ball that I would hit a few fume runs out of the ball park. The way this guy was pushing on me to go, was wondering why and what might be up in his approach. This guy never did anything unless he wanted something- agenda person. Most likely he was going to have me as a “show item” in that he drove me down for this diocesan event. I mentioned to “Fr. Peacock” that after the last meeting in January with Bishop Reilly that he should have nominated for an Academy Award for his performance with me at the Chancery Office.  Then when I read the he needed to apologize for things that are happening now. What in God’s name did that mean? Definitely, at least a nomination for an Academy award. 

March 24, 2002

                “Doctor: Church Used us” were the front page headlines in the Hartford Courant on this day. It says: “A nationally renowned psychiatric hospital that for year has treated clergy accused of sexual misconduct now says it was deceived by the Roman Catholic Church into providing reports that the church used to keep abusive priests in the ministry.

                The church sometimes canceled information about past complaints against clergy sent for treatment, and disregarded warnings that the hospital’s evaluations should not determine a priest’s faintness for parish weir, doctors at Hartford Institute of Living said in interviews.

                “As a result, the institute may have unwittingly provided the clinical cover cited b y New York Cardinal Edward M. Egan and other church official as their reason for not suspending some accused priests, including such now-notorious figures as the defrocked John Geoghan in Boston, accused of molesting more than 130 people…Schwartz (Psychiatrist-in-chief of the Institute of Living in Hartford) spoke of the ‘surprise we have experienced, to learn only recently as these sandals were emerging in the press, that in so many instances we have been providing treatment to individuals while being so inadequately informed.’ He said the institute has decided to require that the church attest, in writing, that it has disclosed any past allegations against priests referred for treatment. That the Institute of Living would make such accusations about the Roman Catholic Church is extraordinary.” 96

                My story gets a different slant in that this institute gave an evaluation on me to Bishop Harrington that I was not a pedophile in addition Father Lynch saying that I was considered “normal.” Well, Harrington shows up at the institute and demands my resignation from my parish with the comment to my doctor (Dr. Zeman) that he will find a doctor that will make me a pedophile. Let’s not forget that Harrington had a agenda against me about knowing too much about him- drunk driving accident- and other people of his priestly click- Francis Manning, Paul Foley, George Rueger, etc.- that bumped me around. So, how does such a story stick with my particulars? I never had any accusations made against me in my whole priestly ministry until 1993 call into the Worcester Chancery. I had the dubious honor of Fr. Lynch’s comment: “The duck bumped the gooses’ ass.”

                I read the local Worcester Telegram & Gazette editorial page this same day: “A dark shadow: Church scandals, yes, but also crimes.” It goes “Responding to growing anguish among American Catholics, Pope Paul II used his annual message to priests to address the sex abuse cases that seem to be coming tonight almost daily…The response to the scandal on the local levee may reinforce the skepticism. The Worcester Diocese, properly, has turned over information on past allegations of sexual abuse to the district attorney-but only on the condition of confidentiality unless a prosecution ensured. Since the statue of limitations has run out n a majority of cases, the agreement effectively makes the district attorney a party to efforts to keep the information about pedophile priest under wraps. ..But make no mistake: When a chide is molested, it is not a matter of sol-searching or discreet internal discipline. A crime has been committed and the perpetrator, even on who wear a clerical collar, just answers for the crime in a court of law.” 97

                I had people give a phone call to say: “Been thinking about you.” This was a coded message of trying to find out what is going on with my situation and what I was doing. Approached this type of call with: I have a number of projects that I am undertaking. If, which they did with their next comet, dig more, I would approach the conversation with: There is a one-sided part of the story give by media and certain people. How about the issue of media orientation of the gay issue atmosphere and Catholic Church issue of birth control-days of old- and abortion. Then, usually, there was “Got to go. Take care.” In addition, if they didn’t get what they wanted to hear, which I felt was usual, I didn’t hear for them. What was circulating was where I heard about a religious sister saying: “She feels great shame, pain and powerlessness and called for a new model of Church. The male hierarchical structure is falling apart.”

                A Worcester Diocesan priest, I was told, was quoted in the National Catholic Reporter of March 22, 2002 that he: Pledged similar prayers and support to all gay bishops and persist during this defining moment for the universal Church.”

                Well, it kept on rolling. “Father Peacock” made a strange remark to me: “Now that the media got the pedophiles with Geroghan, they will now go next after the homosexuals.” Oh? Where was he going with that remark?  Which, I followed with that the sex abuse scandal was going across the country like a seeping wild fire. Father was very nervous and jumpy.

                This day was Palm Sunday. In my prayer at my Eucharist (Mass) I prayed in silence after Communion: Lord Jesus, help me to imitate your faithfulness and sea others even when I have been mocked and betrayed.”  

March 26, 2002

                The atmosphere was so prevalent with the clergy sex abuse crisis that I had to even hear on MSNBC- Imus program. This happened with Imus’ fellow worker- Bernie goes on the roll about a “convicted pedophile” Woody Allen getting a standing “O” (ovation) at the Oscars (2002). According to Bernie says that:  “Woody Allen, who is a pedophile, marries a young girl.” The he goes on to say that priests are afraid to wear a Roman collar in public. Bennie is an Irish Catholic and he unofficial commentator of Catholicism on this program and not very good at it. Imus interviewed Kenneth Woodward of an article in Newsweek this same morning. Imus commented the next morning how Woodward raised the issue of “element of consent on part of the ‘victims’ in distinguishing a difference between pedophilia and homosexuality in the priesthood.” Imus continued this trend of discussion with reference to Larry King approach of asking the right questions in an interview. He said that Larry King knew he asked the right questions if the person revealed more than they thought they would. But, I or anyone I knew was given the opportunity to ask any questions- “guilty till proven innocent” comment by Harrington and society in general.

I attended the Chrism mass at the Cathedral in Worcester this morning. I rode down to Worcester with “Father Peacock” He was the one pushing me to attend because I did mention how Fr. Rocco phone call about attending this Mass-for all clergy of the diocese. In the process of the clergy into the Cathedral, Bishop Reilly and Rueger were standing in the vestibule door greeting the clergy in procession. Rueger greeter me with “Hi, Teddy.” Bishop Reilly was somewhat take back because he said hello to the priest  that I was walking with by name and looked at me and only said: “Hi.” He was struggling for a name. Rueger made small talk with me by saying: “Everyhing going on right now is like a hurricane. This all will be over with.” Right! George. It was good to see so many of the priests that I knew. A number of them went out of their way to come over to me and shake my hand in greeting. I still was nervous. I was pleased with myself overall. When I was sitting in the car waiting for “Father Peacock,” I heard, now, Monsignor Pedone commenting to "Father Peacock" in the back of the car: Say ‘hi’ to Teddy.” He was about ten feet in back of the car when he said that to “Father Peacock.” He must have been in a rush. Oh? “Father Peacock” mentioned it to me when he climbed into his SUV. I heard Pedone and made sure that this guy knew it. On the way back, “Father Peacock” mentioned: “You guys (allegated priest) will now be only able, most likely, to do weekend coverage. As long as Reilly is here, no one will get an assignment.” This was all speculation on his part. He portrayed by his talk that he knew it all. This was part of his character domination. What I sensed was that he was in contact with me for only that he would need weekend coverage for Masses when he was gone on his 9-10 weeks a year and information on my particulars.

On the ride back for the Chrism Mass, “Father Peacock” tell me that he never watches the news on the sex scandal element. He proceeded to tell me that at the Chrism Mass he heard from reliable sources, which he was not able to reveal the names, but “two more (priest) are getting it (allegated) next week. One is a LaSallette priest and the other is a diocesan that will no be a surprise.” My thoughts immediate go back to “Watch the bouncing ball.”

When I returned, I had an e-mail from one of my godchildren. She wanted to know how I was doing with my writing. One remark she gave was that I should be a millionaire with my work. I responded to her with that I was “connecting the dots” and that it was a can of worms waiting to be opened. I was careful in this e-mail to stress that I was working on some programs which I was in research and writing my two volume book in addition to two fiction works- The Duck bumped the Goose and The Great Flood of Elm Street.

In my evening reading, I come across “The Catholic Church’s Culture Clash” in The Wall Street Journal- Tuesday, March 26, 2002. One part, in summary of the article: “The abuse scandals highlight the Catholic Church’s woes in America. But mayor changes- e.g. ending celibacy-are unlikely because of the larger concern of a global church.” 98 When I read this, I was not surprised. Even when I was ordained, I had this perspective that celibacy was not going to change in my lifetime. We used to say back in the 60s that if they changed the celibacy discipline, we (priest) would need a nurse instead of a wife.

                In the evening, I received a phone call from Father Tom Tokarz, pastor of St. Joseph’s Parish Gardner.  He attended, during my time, the same seminary in Orchard Lake, Michigan. He invited me to concelebrate Mass with him on Holy Thursday (March 28^th) with him. This was very much appreciated by me for him to make such a call and invite. I said that I, greatly, appreciated his call and invite. But, the circumstances being what they were- not knowing what to do- that I had to decline his invitation. I made sure to say “Thank you for your invite. I’ve been going to St. Joseph’s Abbey. Very much appreciated, Tom.” He did respond: “We all are in hard times!” It was a surprise to hear from him. It felt good in that at least someone (priest) was reaching out to me. I did follow-up by saying to him to give me a call after the holidays (Easter) to go out for a coffee. Things like this outreach, one does not forget.

                I had “Father Peacock” react to my telling him about Father Tokarz. He said that he was going to invite me to “participate in the nave’ at his parish. Church talk has the nave as not the sanctuary. “Father Peacock” knew what he was saying in his “cover-it-all” techniques. It was not the sanctuary where Mass is offered. The “nave” is separate from the sanctuary. When I told this to my spiritual director who said that “He is evil.” My reaction and thought was this was another game. Some people become very proficient in certain games and some church people are experts. 

March 27, 2002

                In the mail this day, I received a letter form Bishop Reilly in response to my Easter card that I sent him. It most likely was a form letter. He added a “P.S. Good to see you today at the Chrism Mass-.” 99 He, most likely, remembers me after the Chrism Mass because he was stumbling when he was shaking my hand in the clergy procession.

                The local newspaper-Worcester Telegram & Gazette reports this day two articles on clergy: “Man accuses teacher-priest of molestation-Fitchburg house was hangout” and “Bishop Places Inzerillo on leave- St. Leo priest agrees to move.”  The first article reports “Jim Kane, 34, of Derry, N.H. said yesterday he was sexually molested by the Rev. Robert A. Shauris when he was a student at St. Bernard’s central Catholic High School in Fitchburg. Rev. Shauris, who has been on leave from the Diocese of Worcester for several years, was a music teacher at the school. He lives in Worcester where his listed on the faculty roster of Curry College’s Worcester campus. ‘They need to be held accountable,’ Mr. Kane said meaning clergy who abuse young people. Mr. Kane said he had an obligation to come forward because he believes there are other abuse victims and because Rev. Shauris may still have access to young people. ‘I really have nothing to say,’ Rev. Shauris said yesterday in response to the allegation.” 100 This article then reports extensively on comments of Jim Kane and Shauris ties to anther suit. In addition, this article then has ties with Rev. Tom Kane (no relative).

                Another article that day: “Bishop places Inzerillo on leave-St. Leo priest agree to move.” The article reads: “Worcester-The Rev. Peter Inzerillo, who was names in a sexual abuse lawsuit settled three years ago for $300... has been placed on administrative leave from his assignment as associate pastor of St. Leo Church in Leominster. The decision was made jointly by Bishop Daniel P. Reilly and Rev. Inzerillo according to Raymond Delisle, spokesman for the Roman Catholic Diocese of Worcester. Mr. Delisle said the tow decided that ‘it would sense for the good of the parish that he step back out.’ In an interview on March 16, Bishop Reilly insisted that keeping Rev. Inzerillo assigned to St. Leo did not violate the diocese’s policy of zero tolerance toward priests accused of sexual abuse. The action, yesterday brings to four (Bagley, Bartlett, Walsh) the number of priests removed from their posts in recent weeks because of sexual abuse…Rev. Inzerillo could not be reached for comment yesterday and has not returned calls by reporters in recent weeks. Answering earlier queries about Rev. Inzerillo, Mr. Delisle noted that the priest had never been found guilty of sexual abuse and also points out that at age 19, Mr. Gagne was an adult when the incident allegedly took place. Bishop Reilly assumed control of the Worcester diocese in 1994, after Mr. Gagne filed his lawsuits. He assigned Rev. Inzerillo to St. Leo in late 2000, more than a year after the lawsuit was settled in a confidential agreement that was not released to the public.” 101 Then we read a regular account of what was in the newspaper some years back with Edward Gagne and Father Inzerillo and other previous reporting.         

March 28, 2002

                The Boston Herald followed this day with Inzerillo story by the story: “This week Bishop Daniel P. Reilly acceded. ‘They agreed on Monday that it would be appropriate for him to go back on administrative leave for the spiritual well-been of the parish,’ diocese spokesman Raymond Delisle said yesterday. ‘The pastor announced it at daily Mass on Tuesday morning.’ Daniel J. Shea, an attorney representing the parents in the call for the priest’s removal characterized it differently. ‘Dan Reilly blinked,’ Shea said. ‘We gave the diocese an ultimatum that was clear and unequivocal. I think it speak for itself.’ “Daniel J. Shea had an axe to grind with Bishop Reilly back in the days of Providence, RI. Then this short article goes on by “Meanwhile…” 102 it gives an update litany of clergy in area of “allegations.” This was found on the internet from The Boston Herald with The Associated press contributing to this article.

                I have used, in my conversations of late the term ”cave” for my living arrangement.  Caves in many religious traditions are emotionally charged, sacred places. They’re associated with birth and destruction, light and darkness across many cultures. Caves are seen as a shadowy realm where good and evil collides, much as did in Tora Bora, Afghanistan.

                So I would say to a number of people that I know that I was returning to my “cave’ which was my apartment. This was not an oasis because it would be a wrong impression of my particulars. But, it was mine and everything I had. So, it was the place on rested my head.  

March 29, 2002

                A different type of article appeared in the latest issue of the Catholic Free Press. “Is there a crisis in the Church?” by Florence Kudzal- Guest Commentary who is president of John Paul II Foundation of New England and Trustee, John Paul II Culture Center in Washington, D.C. She writes: People sometimes are very quick to judge others of faults they conveniently overlook or fail to see in themselves. There are also people who will gloat over shameful events with in segment of society. Them there are those in the media who grind and regrind chunk of news until they become a sludge that splints everyone in its path. Among thousands of physicians, dentists and psychiatrists a small parentage have abused those entrusted their care, yet no one is saying there is a crisis in the medial profession…Among hundreds of coaches and camp counselors…We have government officials who abuse their owner and the people and cover it up, yet we do not condemn the entire government. And we have fathers, grandfather and uncles who molested their children, grandchildren and families with no screams of crisis in the family. Why then is there a crisis in the Church? ...The probability of monetary gain in many instances is prompting old cases to surface and old wounds to reopen. In today’ society lawsuits seem to be the answer to all our problems. No one ever sue the poor man, where the legal  battle will not produce compensation Rather they go after “deep pockets” – large corporation, the wealthy and now the Church. One can only wonder, just what the healing prosperities of the dollar bill are. It cannot erase the scars, remove the pain or even produce a peaceful night’s sleep. All it can do is providing satisfaction. Hopefully it will be used for therapy counseling and medical intervention. Meanwhile the media will continue to sensationalize the activities of that priest so accused and the media sludge they create by rehashing the stories will stain even deceased priest who wears the collar…102

                The latest issue of The National Catholic Reporter carried these articles: “Vatican defends church’s handling of sexual abuse accusations: Suspicion that financial moves fuel charges,” “Pressure mounts for (Cardinal) Law’s resignation.” “Documents provoke criticism of cardinal (Egan),” “Nebraska prelate rebukes Catholics for critical letter to newspaper,” “National crisis draws attention to local abuse cases” and three other smaller articles.103

                One of the smaller articles (paragraphs) printed in this issue was “Canon law leaders urge protection of rights.” It reports: “The leaders of the canon Law Society of America have called on too. S. bishops to safeguard the rights of both the accused and the accusers as the sandal over clergy sex abuse continue to unfold. Fr. Kevin E. McKenna, president and Fr. Lawrence J. O’Keefe, vice president, said in a March 20 statement, ‘We respectfully request that the bishops and other church officials, in their dealings with civil authorities, continues to be sensitive to the rights of accused priests, who may be innocent and whose good names and reputations are in jeopardy,’ they said.” 104

                Where were these Canon layers in 1993 beside Fr. Tom Lynch in my situation of my bishop (Harrington) saying he would find a doctor to make me a pedophile? He, practically, in the same breath said that I was “guilty till proven innocent.”

                Then my diocesan paper-Catholic Free Press- “Vatican City (CS) - After months of reticence, the Vatican confronted the painful issue of clerical sex abuse in a twin initiative-a papal letter and a press conference. The March 21 statements illustrated how well church leaders understand the parity of this particular sin and the serious damage it has done to good Catholics and good priests. But, they also revealed the Vatican’s defensiveness over public disclosure of such failings and its determination to work out solutions behind closed doors.” 105

                This same issue reports: “Abuse issues to be discussed- Fitchburg- the Catholic Leadership Academy of the Newman Center at Fitchburg state College will present a program titled “Dealing with Issue of Abuse” from 10-11:30 a.m. on Saturday from April 6 through May 4 in the center, 281 Highland Ave. Carol Thompson, a psychotherapist will conduct the program with discussion of ‘painful memoirs from past abuse including physical, emotions, sexual, spiritual and psychological.” 106

                In addition we read in the same issue of The Catholic Free Press, “Priest agrees to leave parish: Presence called ‘a distraction.’” This was on page three: Leominster- Father Peter J. Inzerillo has agreed to leave his position as associate pastor of St. Leo Parish and has been placed on administrative leave…Despite the media four surrounding Father Inzerillo in recent weeks, St. Leo’s parishioners remain very strong in their faith, Father Doran said. ‘There is resilience in their faith,’ he noted. ‘With the entire negative, there hasn’t been any kind of backlash.’” 107

                What did Bishop Reilly have to ‘bait’ Inzerillo to take such a step? Was this whole situation something of a production of a Reilly nature for his version of a “Poster Boy”? I was only wondering because there may have been some “in house” program where Bishop Reilly and Inzarello agreed use an approach to see if a diocesan priestly candidate was one of gay orientation versus being one that would have the tendency to act out his gay orientation? Whatever was happening with Father Inzarello being Vocation Director and Bishop Reilly in dealing with him to be restored to “active ministry” even with the alleged allegations that were brought forth by alleged victims of Father Inzarello will be one of those issues that no one would hear about unless Inzarello public ally speaks out. But, why would he want to do so because most likely the Worcester Diocese gave him a “retirement package” that he would not ever want to refuse. Obviously, there is more to this story with Bishop Reilly trying to “recycle” Inzarello back into the parish ministry that we will never know. This is a story that has a lot more to it as an “iceberg” that we don’t see or know how much more there is to the “iceberg.” Is this part of a much used phrase: Power corrupts and absolute corrupts absolutely?  

March 30, 2002

                This Easter Sunday, I attend Easter Mass at St Patrick’s, Jaffrey N.H. I offered my own Eucharist service in the morning. I wanted to attend a faith community liturgy for this ‘greatest of feast day.”

                There were a number of articles on priest and pedophile in the newspapers and media this day. The one that caught my attention was (Fr.) Andrew M Greeley in the Daily Southtown (Chicago). He writes this weekly column which had this Easter Sunday- Pedophile and celibacy. “Let thee e no question about my position on pedophile. In July 1986, I began to write in this column about pedophilia in the priesthood and to predict the present ‘gutter demurring.’ Unless the church treated victims and their families with more respect and unless it cease to reasoning abusive priests, I argued, it would face a catastrophic crisis. I cite this effort because I not propose to defend priests, not pedophilia priests, but the vast majority of priest who are not pedophiles. According to research done by University of Chicago scholars Edward O. Laumanm and Robert T. Michael, 17 percent of Americans (equally men and women) wee sexually abuse before puberty-approximately 40 million people. Half the men report that they were abuse by women (a politically incorrect finding if there were one). Sexually abuse of children is an enormous problem and probably has plagued us through the whole history of the species.  Pedophiles are both men and women, both gay and straight, both married and unmarried. Anyone who knows anything about the subject understands that celibacy doesn’t make a pedophile and marriage doesn’t cure one.” 108

                Greeley is a priest and sociologist. He writes some facts that one does not read or sense in the media approach to a wild fire on the priesthood. Blessed Easter because ‘Sunday is coming…’

                 I heard on the radio that Cardinal Roger Mahoney of Los Angles said at their Chrism Mass that the Church and the priesthood are undergoing an incredible purification.

                When I heard this, I only though that the hierarchy is circling the wagons and a resurge of clericalism atmosphere was being re-established. 

April 1, 2002

                Newsweek has an article-Easter Monday- entitled “Confessions of a Fallen Priest.” It is printed under “Society” section of this publication saying: “The boys in the parish trusted him. He violated that trust. Now, haunted by his past, he tells his story- by David France. The article states: “It has been16 year since Father Neil Noway secluded himself in an untidy basin on an isolated tract of farmland halfway between Cleveland and Akron, with no company other than a cat and a dog and an army of memories from his past. He is unbearably sward of how repugnant he is to others. Neil Conway knows he deserves their scorn. Beneath his rumpled clothing and nervous laugh, he exemplifies what Pope John Paul II last week called mysteries iniquities, one of the gravest forms of evil: a priest who abuse children. “I committed an abomination,” he says. “I’m sitting here on the dunghill of my own shame and guilt.” Between 1968 and 1985, wilding good looks, charisma and the cachet that comes with being a popular parish priest, Conway lured a successive of eight teenage boys into his sexual traps…The 65-year-old priest has settled on a course of intense candor…One day he hopes to start a movement of abusive priest who will speak out about their sins in an effort to stop others. He began the process tow weeks ago by giving an interview to his local paper. ‘I am challenging theses men to come out in the open with me,’ he says, ‘I want to say, ‘Let the discussion begin.’ So, far, it is a movement of one most church leader has clung to a policy of secrecy, obfuscation, or defensiveness…” 108

                This article, also, gives a recent Newsweek Poll that 69% of Catholics say married priests are a good idea, and 64% support the ordination of women. 109

                So, what we get is a picture of priesthood and Church issues according to Newsweek and even Andy Rooney on Sunday’s 60 Minutes. He was speaking about the “priest sex scandal” and if I hear it correctly that it all had its beginnings with the birth control ban. But, he concluded his remarkably saying that there are “many good priests.” Oh? Send him some Zantex. If was so unfair. There is another point of view and fact. There is a little sense of what the actual issues but the media promotes their pet agendas. Te Vatican speaks out in saying that it is the culture in the WSA and Hollywood which would most be accepted. All aspect of “journalism” is going through this sex issue as a hurricane.

                It even kicks-in with Bill O’Reilly on the Imus radio program O’Reilly says that all of this has broken open the homosexuality factor in the Catholic Church as a news factor. He says he is so angry, furious about this. He continues to say that church leaders need to go and do penance for all that was going on and ask forgiveness. He even carries this to gong to confession where the priest saying he had to go first to confession to the penitent on the other side of the (confessional) screen.

                I wandered when was the last time that O’Reilly went to confession in the last 20 years? The Reconciliation (confession) Room was an open enclosure that had a chair for the priest and another chair for the penitent. No one used the screen any more.

                O’Reilly in this interview took on church authority by saying that they should resign. Doesn’t he know that any authority would not resign due to the issue of “power?”

                It had been an interesting few days listening to the overall media. In addition. I was sent an article that I should read and add to my research and writing. The article “The Culture of Dissent,” by Michael Novak. In the article, he has the subtitle “A Good Friday meditation.”  He writes: “From about 1970 many of us heard rumors of a different ‘lavender mafia,’ practicing and active homosexuals among the Catholic clergy, now in their fifties and older-even in some seminaries. According to Garry Wills, reviewing a recent book about the Jesuits, a proportion of this nation’s Jesuits of that generation, now ‘gay and graying,’ may have fit those rumors. Amazingly, the pattern has been so accepted in some quarters that it has put heterosexuals on the defensive…That culture has at its hear a teaching of contempt for ‘Rome.’ The church, it broadcast, is an archaic medieval institution out of touch with modernity, especially in its teachings on human sexuality. On contraception, first of all, then on abortion, then its (alleged) fear and hatred of the human body, then its (alleged) misogyny, then its exclusion of women from the priesthood and its (allegedly) oppressive patriarchy. ‘The whole thing is rotten.’ What we need, the ‘dissenting,’ ideology continued, is a more ‘human’ church, more ‘expressive,’ more ‘spontaneous,’ more ‘free.’ More sensual. More sexual. ‘We dissenters are the liberators!’ Those others, the foolish benighted ones, are holdovers from the medieval past, relics doomed to disappear. The have already been discarded, although they are too dumb to know it. So the rationalization went. That culture has not been strong in criticizing its own premises…This rebellion has also colored other areas of recent Catholic life.” 110

                Novak does raise interesting issues. For instance, I used to hear about the “lave car mafia” which I recall haring about diocesan priest- the boys in the band. It was one of the times that I have read that “Amazingly, this pattern has been so accepted in some quarters that it has put heterosexuals on the defensive.” What it did for me was to be with parishioners and hand-out with clergy. There was a price that I paid for that in name calling, vicious criticism, innuendos, and a sense of being very defensive in all aspects of ministry. One particular area was when I wanted to better myself in priestly ministry and applied for advanced studies to the diocese to go for a MA in Psychology and Counseling. There seemed to be a stonewall place in front of me by the diocesan lesion. So, I offered that I would attend such venture on my 36 hours “off” each week. I had to realize that in this time period of the late 70s, where priest were taking such courses and using them as an exit plan from the priesthood. I wanted only to better myself in dealing with parishioners and society in general as a priest. The “lavender mafia” was not only in the Jesuit religious order. They were in the diocesan priest format but not as well identified. But, it was a know fact that there were always questions of what priest do I hang-out with and eyes watching at clergy conferences where one would sit besides who one traveled with on vacations. I was, always, on the defensive and I was never sure which “game” I should watch out for. These “games” were part of the old patricidal structure in the rectory, newly ordained with Vatican II theology versus the scholastically approach to ministry (answers for every question), and preserving the image of the perfect ‘priest.” It was nuts.

                Yet this writing by Novak was in 2002 and in 1970s when I was ordained there were rumblings of what Novak refers to in this article of 2002. I recall when Human Sexuality: New Directives in American Catholic Thought was published in 1977 which was a study commissioned by The Catholic Theological Society of America. This work was facilitated by Father Anthony Kosnik. The back cover of the paperback issue had F. X. Murphy in the London Tablet writes “…marks the arrival at maturity of the U.S. theological community…brings U.S. Catholic concern for moral truth into line with endeavors registered by Catholics in the on-going theological discussions with other Christians in the ecumenical spectrum…” 111 In addition on the back cover “…nothing is in the report that some moral theologians have not already said. Most of the report’s propositions now hotly criticized have been defended for some time by good number of respected theories and applied in pastoral guidance by a good number of respected pastors. - John Giles Milhaven in National Catholic Reporter.” 112 Then U.S. Catholic on the same back cover: “…prides a splendid opportunity for the church to build a new sexual ethic that makes sense to educated Catholics in the 20^th century.” 113

                How this has some connection with me was that Father Kosnik was my moral theology professor at SS. Cyril & Methodius Seminary in Orchard Lake, Michigan. Besides being my moral theology/ ethics professor, he was my Dean of Men, spiritual director and advocate for ordination. Orchard Lake was a Polish School. Therefore, when everyone in 1978 was celebrating a Polish Pope- John Paul II, I reacted by “Oh! Oh!” as an associate pastor in Leominster, Massachusetts. The next I heard about Father Kosnik was that he was removed from the Orchard Lake faculty by word from inside the Vatican- rumor had it that it was directly from the Pope. Kosnik then obtained a teaching position at Mercy College in the Detroit are in teaching Ethics. He was a marked priest by the Vatican. It was a sign that the new papacy was operating immediately and especially being Polish knew some details about the Human Sexuality work in America.  This was what I wondered about hearing about this Polish Pope’s election because when he visited Orchard Lake in 1969 where I was a Deacon and he spoke to us in Polish after greeting him on campus with: “Children! Now go to sleep.” This, immediately, came to mind when he stepped out on the balcony in the Vatican as the newly elected Pope. I wondered, at that time, what would now happen to the teachings I received on the Second Vatican Council in relation to being addressed as “children” in a Vietnam War Era of the United States? 

April 2, 2002

                The sexual abuse and lawsuits were a topic that was all over the place. On the morning news this day, I heard on ABC national news at 6:00 am about a priest in LA was being sued on a pregnancy and he came back with a “dysfunction of character shit.” I had no idea when I heard this and what was the rational or direction of this priest and his lawyer (s). One heard “suits” in every direction especially this year- 2002. It connected a few dots for me when I heard from Fr. Picclomini telling me how my name was being sent to the DA’s Office... He remarked, in addition, that the diocese didn’t know if the two girls would do anything. What were able to do besides what they had done- naming me in a suit. Those tow girls also named the Worcester Diocese and Bishop Rueger. One must not forget that the Diocesan lawyer was able to get Rueger’s name removed from the suits. Interesting maneuvering on the part of the Worcester Chancery Gang.

                The sniping that was going on was incredible. Why was it not possible for me or any other priest to come back with a “Defamation of Character suit’? There was never any forum for a debate or discussion or any questioning. There was an agenda being pushed- dragnet going through the water.  

April 3, 2002

                Ellen Barry of the Globe Staff wrote “Priest treatment unfolds in costly, secretive world: Psychiatrists, church trade misdeed charges.” She stated “As far as his parishioners knew, the Rev. Jay Mullin was on ‘sick leave’ and would be absent from his Plainville (Massachusetts) pulpit until he felt better. I truth, he had crossed over into a secretive world of church-funded psychiatry. He flew south in 1992 to a clinic outside Washington, D.C. where a doctor flashed images of children in sexual positions and attached a device to  him to measure his arousal. Accused of molesting a boy 22 years earlier, he had been ordered by Cardinal Law to spend several days at the St. Luke Institute, a Catholic psychiatric hospital in Maryland. He checked in, look around at the priests from around the country-some who, like him, had been accused of sexual misconduct- and gradually realized how deep the problem ran. ‘I wasn’t aware there was any place like that,’ recalled Mullin, who denied the abuse charge…” 114

                She writes about issues that I never did experience or hear about. She was involved with others of The Boston Globe Staff in producing a book on the abuse scandal. She does mention the Institute of Living, Hartford in her article and controversy the doctors had with church authorities.

                The experience that I encountered was nothing of what I read in this article besides not being sure what was actually being done with the “evaluation” that Bishop Harrington sent me for in Hartford.

                Barry writes in this same article “‘Psychiatric and psychotherapy has been misused by the church in this crisis,’ Sipe (former priest) said. ‘Bishops oftentimes did not five the whole story, but kind of dumped the priests there and just let the psychiatrists ‘puzzle it out themselves,’ The kept the transgressions silent under the guise of confessional material.’ Then, he said, there were errors of compassion. ‘Psychiatrists are kind of hopeful people,’ Sipe said. ‘As clinicians and as clergymen, we don’t tend to give up on people.’ “115

                Sorry! Worcester Diocese but I received an evaluation as Father Lynch told me that I was “normal.” Obviously Bishop Harrington and the Chancery Gang had other plans for me- Poster Boy.

                After my evaluation, I was told to go and they- diocese- would contact me. This was whenever I had telephone messages to call Father Rocco (Pecclomini) that I had those “stinken-thinking “feeling where I was weak and had an upset stomach. After a short period of time, I began to stand-up to these experiences and stand-up with personal dignity. I was distancing myself, slowly, from the present atmosphere of media stories and personal questions that were directed at me by friends and acquaintances. But, I kept bettering myself besides Mass, Divine Office and personal prayer. My spiritual and other readings which I never had time to do previously with my pastoral work did take-up some time in my day. I, also, made time to do research on my journal writing. I did have a three-part daily exercise program for myself that had me walking each day three miles, Nordic-track and floor exercises.  I wanted to travel but due to being around the phone- waiting for the diocese – to address my situation and financial status did not do any such activities.

                There were a number of times that I experienced my lower back pains in the mornings. I noticed that when I worried for about a week about an issue(s) and realized the stress and its toll on me. I realized that all of this back pain was, at this time, happening in the media and friends calling for general information about the sex abuse crisis and my particulars. This pain in my back had me having a difficult time of bending over to tie my shoes or pick anything off the floor. In addition, it was difficult sitting. It was a real pain. I realized it was plain stress. It helped me at this time to realize that what was happening did have some control on who I wanted to handle the overall situation for my benefit. It was “their” stories and not my case. 

April 5, 2002

                Issue of the clergy sex abuse crisis had a blog that I found. It was addressed as an abuse tracker.  Communication Telecommunication that reported this blog site suggested that it hoped for fair and informed reporting. In this day and atmosphere was anything as such possible?

                Page 2 of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette reported another Worcester diocesan priest being allegated. Father David L. Blizzard was the priest and the paper reported that the abuse allegedly occurred at Athol, Fitchburg sites. The article reports” “William Allen, who one intended to become a priest in the Catholic Diocese of Worcester, has told the Telegram & Gazette that he was sexually abused by the Rev. David L. Blizzard when the priest was assigned to St. Roch parish in Oxford. Mr. Allen initially talked with T&G reporter’s in1993 about the alleged abuse, but then decided he did not want to go pubic with his story. He described himself in an interview yesterday as ‘very naïve 18 year-old’ when the abuse allegedly occurred…Mr. Allen said he learned during his therapy sessions that the counselor also knew of people who allegedly were abused by Rev. Blizzard.” 116

                This story on Blizzard even had Channel #7 in Boston had a reporter trying to interview him on April 6^th with him walking away from the reporter with no saying anything on his part.

                Reading this type of story has an interesting slant of talking to a reporter and then deciding not to move foreword. Then the counselor telling the victim that there are more victims with this priest. I’m not sure such an undertaking would be by a counselor. But, this day and age, who would be surprised to anything you hear or read.

                This same issue of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette had “the people’s forum- Our society must be able to consider all aspects of church scandal. This consisted of four letter-to-the-editors from Worcester, Dudley, Sutton and Worcester. The letters mentioned “gay priest,” “pedophiles,” “celibacy,” “sexual abuse is not confined to the Catholic Church,” and “Amidst the controversy and confusion caused by the callous actions of a few….” 117 This local newspaper was putting a spin of spins on this crisis.  

April 6, 2002

                I was thinking that this was a good time to be a turtle and pull my body into the shell. But, I was thinking on writing a one-act play entitled: The Visitor. This would be about Bishop Harrington showing Christian love and pastoral care. It would be different because my generation never seen this in him. Harrington had the nickname “bulldog.”

                Another article in the (Fitchburg) Sentinel & Enterprise issue of this day entitled “Protestants face sex abuse scandals, too, but there are differences with Catholics.” Richard N. Ostling-Associated Press Writer- writes: “The flood of sex abuse allegations against priests this year (2002) has focused attention on the Roman Catholic Church, but Protestant denominations have also faced sex scandals involving clergy over the years. In fact, while data are sketchy, at least one expert believes the incident of clergy molesting young children may be about as frequents-or infrequent-in Protestantism as it is in Catholicism. Others have found Priest scandal have a tendency to surface in cases where make ministers are counseling women or teen-age girls, while the allegations against priests have frequently involved underage males. Penn State historian Philip Jenkins argued in his 1996 book, “Pedophiles and Priests,” that both secular and Catholic media exaggerate the extent of Catholic cases involving minors, while downplaying Protestant abuse…Jenkins, an Episcopalian, thinks a 1992 survey from the Chicago archdiocese is more representative of the true picture in Catholicism. Among 2,252 priests serving over four decades, 39 priests (1.7 percent) apparently abuse minors. Only on abuser could be termed pedophile under the strict, clinical definition of the word-meaning the victim as prepubescent. ‘I am prepared to be convinced the Catholics have a bigger problem’ than Protestants, Jenkins said, but nobody has good data, partly because Protestant groups are too numerous…Another difference: Protestant laid officers-mot of them mothers and fathers-exercise pivotal powers in supervising clergy. Catholic power is held almost completely by ordained bishops or religious superiors…It’s difficult to assess the response to abuse accusations in Baptist and other denominations, where each local congregation handles cases.” 118 

April 7, 2002

This day Greeley writes an overview of the past actions of the Catholic Bishops in his weekly column in Chicago: “How abusers got away with it.” He states: “Why did so many American bishops think they could get away with stonewall and cover-up tactics to protect abusive priests? They thought they could get always with it because they did get away wit it for a long time. The have carved out for themselves an immunity not unlike that which canon law envisages in a country where there is a union of church and state…Usually the parents of the victims would go to the church. At first they would be fended off. The priest absolutely denied the charge. He was a good priest. Their on had a vivid imagination. If this didn’t work, a phalanx of higher-up priests descended on the family, accompanied by the church’s expensive lawyers (who had the deep pockets of the church behind them). The offered the family a deal. They would be given the family a certain amount of money (not very much) for medical costs and psychological counseling (based on how high the lawyer figured they had to go to keep the family quiets). They would send the priest for a psychiatric screening and then off to an institution. No one wanted a public lawsuit. That cost everyone a lot of money. If the parents would sing off on the deal, everything would be fine. Somehow the parents, whom one high-prices lawyer defined as ‘the enemy,’ had become the bad guys. If they hired lawyers of their own and threatened suits, the church lawyers would beat them into the ground by running up big legal bills. They would threaten counter suits. The media paid no attention. Families were torn apart, marriages were destroyed. The parents finally caved in and settled. Another victory for the church. The priest would be sent off somewhere, return in a few months and be approved for reassignment by the church’s psychiatrists (though they might not have quite sad that exactly). Then he would show up at a new parish without the pastor being warned of his past. Fellow priests would say, ‘he really denies it strongly’ and ‘the cops and the shrinks cleared him.’ That was that.” It worked. It worked for a long time. Only when a few brave journalists began to report the stories did the whole game fall apart. Yet many dioceses continued to play it. They blamed all their trouble on the media.” 119

Greeley writes from the viewpoint of what the Church did in this general scenario. How about the priest? Let’s not forget that I had my bishop tell me that I was “guilty till proven innocent.” End of case? 

April 8, 2002

                I had coffee this day with “Father Peacock.” He mentioned to me how he read the article in The Boston Globe about the Institute of Living and the “blame game” going on with the Church. I didn’t react because I knew him enough that he would “bait” a discussion for information or setting the stage for something else. I played my poker face.  He, then, said that he was not going to attend the annual clergy conference at the Cape because the conference speaker was from St. Luke’s, Maryland. This was the Catholic psychiatric place that priest were sent to for evaluations. He explained that what happened at Calvary Monastery, Shrewsbury with the Lenten gathering. He was angry in his discussion at this time in that he thought the Shrewsbury gathering was very negative in the way the priest made statements. Then, when I was getting out of his car at my place, he remarked that “It wood never be the same against.” Oh? I walked away by saying nothing nor even looking back at him. He was something in playing his control game and wanting to get in one’s mind. I was not there anymore. However, “Father Peacock” was angry during this whole coffee encounter.

                I didn’t have an opportunity to read the morning newspaper before “Father Peacock” picked me up for a coffee. But the front page article must have an effect to get out for a coffee with me. I should have realized that for him to give me a call that was not in his usual pattern- Friday or Sunday.

                The front page of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette had “Diocese set reforms: Safety of child is given priority,” It reads: “The Catholic Diocese of Worcester has done much in the last decade to protect children entrusted o it care, according to Raymond L. Delisle, diocesan spokesman…A number of Catholic dioceses in America have begun to make changes after numerous allegations of abuse of children by clergy or church workers.  The scandals have produced numerous lawsuits, which cold end up costing American Catholic churches an estimated $1bilion in settlements….Mr. Delise said, while diocesan changes appear to have ended clergy abuse of children, other Catholics and victims believe more substantial changes are needed within the global church…Mr. Delise said the diocese has revamped its seminarian selection process under the direction of monsignor Thomas Sullivan, vocations director. Most seminarians are now being sent to St. Mary’s Seminary of Baltimore, the oldest in the country. ‘St. Mary’s has strict requirements about background checks and complies with the strict Maryland laws,’ Mr. Delisle said. Prospective seminarians are now being subject to criminal background checks and batteries of psychological tests to be done previously to work out unsuitable candidates, he said. ‘Thins are a lot different now than what was some 30 or 40 years ago,’ Mr. Delisle said.” 120

                I wish to say that in the late 60s, I was given a battery of psychological test in the seminary in Michigan. Obviously such an article by the diocesan public relations man had a reason. I was wondering if there was more to come down the road with such a campaign on the part of the Worcester Diocese. Oh! St. Mary’s Seminary in the 60s and 70s was known between seminarians and priest as “the pink palace.” Bishop Reilly- Diocese of Worcester was on the Board of Director’s of St. Mary’s Seminary, Maryland. In previous years, the Diocese of Worcester sent their seminarians to a number of seminaries. The positive spin on this was the candidates received a diversity of schools of theology to serve in the diocese. It was not the same robot style of ministry and theology as one seminary would produce. 

April 9, 2002

                The 6:00 pm news on Channel #5 had Natalie Jacobson reporting on Attorney Rod MacLeish about Fr. Paul Shanley speaking at the Organization of Man-Boy Love Relationship. Jacobson connected the report with priest and “gay and homosexuality issue.” This same evening had MacLeish even on  the ABC Evening News speaking on Fr, Stanley’s connection to Man-Boy Organization and Shanley “in good standing’ with the Archdiocese. Then there was word that Shanley even said that it was a mistake on his part to speak to that group. 

April 10, 2002

                I heard today that the priest sex scandal is being called that it is, now, the “third round.” I asked what the “first and second rounds” was.

I was reading the daily reading for April 10^th in Bread for the Journey by Henri J. Nouwen. He wrote” Let’s try to love our religious leaders, forgive them their faults, and see them as brothers and sister. We will enable them, in their brokenness to lead us closer to the heart of God.” 121

When reading this reflection by Nouwen, my mind re-played a couple comments that I had to hear in the past January. The comment on January 16^th meeting of Bishop Reilly tome in a low tone: “You’ve been behaving yourself.” So, the hierarchical style continued with “guilty till proven innocent.” Then when Father Rocco Picclomini called to make the appointment said: “We don’t know what the two girls will do?” Excuse me, Rocco! The two girls were settled in the lawsuit in 1995 with me signing the agreement with the diocese. He, most likely, must have been thinking about another case or was confused, again. But, Rocco had to insert “if” the girls were going to do anything. The civil lawsuit was settled without my agreement. Yet, I was “forced” to sign the papers of the lawsuit. Whenever I spoke with him on the phone, he was wobbly and verbally stumbling in each conversation. The facts were confused with him to say the least. This was the same guy in 1993 who said to me on the initial “hit” phone call about allegations: “We (Diocese) never had any complaints against you, Teddy.” Then I had to hear from Rueger that “more (allegations) was gong to come out on you, Ted!” Where were they going to come out on me and why didn’t any more allegations come out on me? The answer if very simple: The tow allegations never happened nor did anything else for the diocese to “hang” me.

The issue was that I was the “lower clergy” category ad Cozzens writes in his books. In my reflections and writing, I should have realized that sine 1984 when I became pastor, the diocese (Chancery Goon Squad) were precutting thins that I was doing. They had eight years proactive when the came after me. 

April 13, 2002

                The Boston Globe goes on page one this day with “Scholars see had of Rome in letter.”  The article says: “The letter was written in Brighton, and it was delivered by fax to priest throughout Easter Massachusetts. (Worcester Diocese is not Easter Massachusetts) But when theologians and other scholars of the Catholic Church read the extraordinary missive Cardinal Bernard Law sent to is priest yesterday, they saw the hidden hand of Rome. The Vatican and American bishops are loath to see Law stressing because of a fear that his ouster would fuel a clamor for other bishops to quit, and out of a desire not to be seen as bending to public pressure, scholars say. ‘There’s clearly been communication with the Vatican, between Law and the pope, and between people in the curia with the US Conference of Catholic bishops, and it seems that they have decided that this is a systemic issue, rather than about the mistakes or sins of an individual bishop,’ said R. Scott Appleby, director of the Cumshaws Center for the Study of American Catholicism at the University of Notre Dame. Appleby argues that all bishops share the blame for the church’s retention of abusive priest. ‘If the Vatican asks Law to resign, they may as well multiple bishops to resign, because the flaw is in the system,’ he said.” 122

                The Boston Herald carries the article: “If nothing else Law proves he’s no coward- Bernard Cardinal Law, by hanging around a little longer, will no doubt infuriate those who thought they’d succeeded in forcing his departure, but he’s also reaffirming his ability to take the lead, which right now must be scorching. Vatican pressures notwithstanding, tossing in the towel must have looked awfully inviting, especially at 71 when most guys his age are looking for ways to lighten their loads. Law could have come up with a plausible scenario, wrapping his exit in the context of his choosing, not unlike the late Sen. George Aiken’s suggestion for concluding the Vietnam War. ‘Declare victory and put out.’ “123

                In addition to these stories in the media, I had lunch with “Father Peacock.” I noticed when we were seated at the table- Chinese’s Restaurant- that he was tapping the table with his fingers. We were talking about the media and the stories about priest. He just shot out with anger: “You (Ted) will have in your obituary that you were a pedophile.” I, only, looked at him with my poker facial expression. He was trying to get into my head by his being an evil person. 

                What I didn’t realize was that when he called me in the morning to go to lunch, I mentioned and article in The Boston Globe on April 11^th that mentioned a diocesan priest- Father Richard Lewandowski. The article was “Three priests oppose ban on gay marriage” by Stephanie Ebert in The Boston Globe on April 11^th of page B1. This priest was in an article about three priests that favored gay marriages. What I always suspected with “Father Peacock” was that he wanted to be a Monsignor. He did everything to climb what we called the “Monsignor Totem Poll.” So, such an angry remark had me wondering that I must have hit a nerve when we spoke earlier on the phone about this Lewandowski being in favor of gay marriages. I do recall that I said that I was surprised that Lewandowski made such a public statement.  In addition the cardinal Law story made the gay issue and anything with the hierarchy a very big issue with “Father Peacock.” Therefore, the reaction of his comment to me about my obituary was the stored up anger that this priest was carrying. In addition, there must have been other issues with the priest sex abuse crisis that was happening that were very close to “Father Peacock.” There, also, was the topic of homosexuality being used in the media and general gossip of late of priest.

                This same day, I visited some friends who I call Walter Winchell. He told me that 11 of the 22 cases in the Worcester DA’s Office were not under the statue of limitations. This guy was fishing on my case for me to comment. I recall saying that he should not forget that the DA is an election position. The political schema was very much into light with re-election and the handling of priest sex abuse issues.

                When I was resting in my room, I was sitting in my reading chair and I notice back-pain was occurring when I tried to stand-up. The was the a similar pattern for me of a period of time of hearing news on the media that had me concerned, discussions of the clergy issue which was a large part of the day by telephone calls of my impute. I wasn’t surprised that I was experiencing this back-pain where I was not able to bend-over. This would last for a day or so and then no problem- stress overload. 

April 14, 2002

                What I noticed in reading articles in the newspaper on certain days, as this Sunday or certain days of the week that you watch for church articles and the clergy sex abuse crisis. This day (Sunday) The Boston Globe gives us “Bishop’s conference leader see benefits from controversy.” It says: “the clergy sexual abuse crisis, painful as it is for the Catholic Church in the United States, will ultimately be a good thing for the church, a leader of the US Conference of Catholic Bishops said yesterday. ‘A boil has been lanced, and I do feel strongly that this is a time of grace for us, as painful and difficult as this moment is,’ said Bishop William S. Skystad of Spokane, Was. who is the vice president of the bishop ‘conference. ‘The fact is that the pain and the hurt were there, under the surface, fro those who have been carrying around this for years, and opening this up helps us to minister to that situation as best we can, and begin the process of healing and reconciliation. It’s an opportune moment focus to an address the issue, and it’s a grace and an n aid as we look to the future.’ Skystad and the conference president, Bishop Wilton D. Gregory of Belleville, Ill., spoke to in separate telephone interviews from Rome, where they spent  the past week in meetings with the pope and officials form the Vatican agencies…Gregory and Sky land said the Vatican is leaving it to the American bishops to address the clergy sexual abuse issue. After year of leaving specific policies to the discretion of individual bishops, the bishops’ conference will debate adopting a nationwide policy for handling allegations of sexual abuse at a meeting in June; they said…Skyland also said the church has made progress on clergy sexual abuse over the last decade. ‘We continue to look at our screening policies, but most of the case we see now are from (seminary) formation programs that existed 20, 30, 40 years ago, so pray God we don’t see cases from what we’re doing at the present moment,’ he said. ‘Most of the cases are at least 10 years old, and I hope that what we’re doing in formation (of priests) and screening is bearing fruit.’ Neither bishop said that the clergy abuse issue suggests the need for a broader examination of decides making in the church, or of the restriction of the priesthood to celibate men. ‘Some people use this as a platform for those issue, but celibacy is not directly connected to sexual abuse,’ Skyland said. ‘Other religions with married clergy are also afflicted at time by this problem.”124

                If anyone was hoping for a change in anything as celibacy ruling or anything else, these type of announcement is that hierarchy are going to be dong “business as usual.” This is where one has to realize that there is a “hardening of the wax” syndrome on the candle. However, there is a small clique in this article where the national conference will be developing a national policy over the individual bishop. Fro Rome to most likely suggest this is counter to what had been happening in the last few years. Rome seemed to streets the individual bishop over national conferences. This is an interesting shift on Rome’s part. Overall, the individual bishop has “absolute” authority in running his diocese from canon law and Rome’s overview. So, this would be interesting to watch on how the individual bishop operates with this national issue and going back to his own diocese- busy as usual. It most likely will be “pick-and-chose” approach to an issue on individual bishops.

                Then I read “”Anti-Catholicism alive, well” by Fr. Andrew M. Greeley. He writes: “Anti-Catholic as apple pie a la mode, chocolate malts, Diet Pepsi and silly nostalgia at the beginning of the season. No Catholic who has to work in the higher media, the upper academy, or the New York publishing world has any doubts about its existence.  Most American Catholics rarely encounter it in their daily lives. Hence, they do not take it seriously. Not enough Catholics suffer because of it for there ever to be a serious battle against it. Therefore, anti-Catholicism will persist in American life indefinitely, giving the lie to the claim that Americans have left prejudice and discrimination behind. It lurks beneath the surface of American culture and raises its ugly head only on occasion-as it now is doing on the sexual abuse crisis. As someone who had denounced child abuse by priests and cover-ups by the hierarchy for 16 years, I defend neither. If there has been a new outburst of anti-Catholicism that the country has to seen since the John Kennedy election, one must admit candidly that the leadership of the church has provided much raw material for the Catholic haters. The current feeding frenzy goes far beyond the stupidity and the arrogance of Catholic leadership. The argument one hears and reads over and over the celibacy is the cause of sexual abuse is a vicious anti-Catholic lie, even if it comes from columnists and editorials writers who claim to be Catholic…Historically, the bigots insist that the priest is either a slimy character looking for young people or nuns to assault or something less than a real man. Some few resigned priests make that argument, in effect, today against those of us who have tried to keep our promise of celibacy. Those who accept the argument as though it were unquestionable truth are de facto anti-Catholic. Somehow the fact these loudmouths now sleep with a woman seems to constitute prima facie evidence that they are more real men than we are and uniquely qualified to criticize our inadequacies. That, too, is anti-Catholic bigotry and should be labeled as such.”125

                Some pushed Greeley’s button for him to write as such and article. But, he doesn’t touch the homosexual underlying culture in the system.  

April 15, 2002

                The pastor of St. Edward’s called me to go for Chinese food and talk about St. Edward’s Parish 50th Anniversary celebration. I wondered what this was all about on his part because I had been gone from the parish for about nine years and not been pastor for seven years at this time. He was the same extremely talkative person that I Chinese food some time back.

                The first remark he to me was that I had to call Bishop Rueger to get permission to attend Mass for the 50^th Anniversary. The specific words he said “Ted! Don’t hold anything against him (Bishop Rueger). Let it go!” (Birds of a feather fly together.) What was that all about?  It was another situation as the ocean undertow- one does not see it until you are caught-up init and you better swim parallel to it to get back to shore. This guy, I knew was going to play head games, but he was on another planet to make such a remark or testing me to see my reaction. I did the “poker-face” approach and did not say anything. I thought at this time the phrase one hears on television- more to come.

                Then I had to hear from him how the bishop needs to tell people the money spent on lawsuits, the issue of openness and decision process. Then he, after a number of libations, said that “secrets with certain parishioners” were the same as the bishops. With his red face, he gave me such stare that would kill. It was as though he wanted to communicate a “Got you!” statement. I looked at him with a counter-stare of non-verbal statement of “Give it a break.” If anything, the friendships that I continued to have with former parishioners was at a level where we never talked “Shop.” I have addressed this issue previously. It was something that I was very careful about in that I never said anything and was very careful to make sure of that because I knew it would be used against me. There, always, was the danger that something said or done on a priest part would be used as “undermining the bishop” was a death notice. Now what other people said and did, I had no control over. I’m sure the “Boys-in-the Band” was no less operating to be above every situation. It was the silent game of been in the priesthood. You never knew what might be construed by others. This term “secrets” he used again in another contents so I wondered if this was part of make-up to deal with issues. I’m referring to our discussion, where he said to me that he does favors but that they must be kept “secret.”

                Another surprise comment from this “good pastor” was: “(Fr.) Tom Kane must be blackmailing Bishop Harrington.” Again, where did that come from especially where nothing was being talked about clergy or the diocese? I don’t believe I was over reacting. It was that a free flowing conversation was not in place with this guy. He had a script that he was following.

                This guy may have tried this with “Got you!” approach, but “Sorry Father,” play this game somewhere else. I am not undermining anyone or for that matter saying anything. Read it in my book.

                This was another one of those meals that I really don’t miss at all. Yet, I realized that there was no way that the diocese was going o allow me to concelebrate the 50^th Anniversary Mass at St. Edward’s. The “red faced” pastor was playing out a political situation where most likely he would be able to tell any parishioner that if asked why I was not in attendance by saying he tried, even have me out for dinner. However, he was not the guy to make such a decision and he knew that. This was church politics in its rarest form. He was playing them to the hilt.

                What I didn’t say to him, but was thinking that there was a large element in St. Edward’s that still did not forget how they were treated by the diocese when I was “gone on vacation.” There were petitions, appointments in the Chancery, and phone calls where the diocese only unofficially said: “Things are not resolved.” Nothing else was ever said. I was history- Church 21^st Century.

                When Father John Bagley was removed from his parish in North Grafton, according to priest talk (gossip) the parish was told that he was St. Joseph’s Monastery, Spencer. The diocese and the inner-circle had answers to appease the good parishioners of a parish since 1993. Most likely Bagley never drove to Spencer but departed for his place (home) on Cape Cod.

                This was a time where I knew a parishioner who did get a ‘favor” from Fr. Kilcoyne... She (grandmother) was able to get her grandson baptized at St. Edward’s, Westminster even though her son and daughter-in-law lived Next Street to Holy Family of Nazareth parish in Leominster. This may have been the “good Fathers” comment to me in reference to doing favors that must be kept “secret.”

                This grandmother knew what the parish policies were on Sacraments being a religious education (C.C.D.) teacher. Yet, she went at me when she told me about it in  that I needed a “closer” with St. Edward’s and needed to get some hugs. Give me a break. Life has moved on, Mrs. Psycho-Babble, but what principles- parents being the primary teachers of their child with a renewal of their own baptismal promises- do we live by? It was the American culture’s way of get whatever you want, and then use psychobabble- gook to wash off whatever you have on yourself. Then, we go “next!” This must have been one of the favors that had to be kept “secret.” The “good Father” knew I would have heard about this. What this type of priest is known, also, know for: Christmas card priest. (Don’t forget Father with a nice card and gift at Christmas.)

                Oh! This grandmother’s son or daughter-in-law never went back with their newly baptized son to Mass nor registered with their parish. I guess the ceremony for Baptism didn’t renewal anything besides the grandmother. She got what she wanted no matter any respect for the Sacrament or the Church, itself. The Gas Station lives on- drive in, toot your horn, get filled-up (what Sacrament you wanted) and drive away. Next! 

April 16, 2002

                What was occurring at this time was that for almost eight years o was not able to get clarity to my specifics, then the mechanics (Catholic hierarchy) went into operation where suddenly it became Niagara Falls.

                Fr. Robert Drinan, SJ. appeared on the NBC Today Show. He made the statement that he was on the board of St. Luke’s Hospital in Maryland  With that, he spoke that the pedophile issues is 1% of the priest population.  He, also, said that the behavior issue was very obscure but the church is learning to treat, like chocoholics, this issue of pedophile being treatable. He, then, said that we’re beginning to learn about pedophilia- Reilly comment to me in January 2002. Drinan made it a point that this issue was not related to homosexuality or celibacy. This is something that is the party line now by the hierarchy and other church professionals of late. But, here is the “resurging clericalism” hardening of the candle wax. 

April 19, 2002

                It was Friday and “Father Peacock” called to go for lunch-Chinese food. I was still rocking somewhat from my Monday- Chinese food. This didn’t go any better. I should have learned long ago about these clergy Chinese meals. I am learning. Another thought comes to mind that I react like a moth to a flame. As I said that I am learning.

                We sat down in a booth and he began with a shot: “Your name can appear anytime in the newspaper (allegations). Again, I looked at him” What was that all about and where are you going, now, in this lunch.

                I mentioned to “Father Peacock” that I had Chinese food on Monday with the pastor from St. Edward’s. Well, it was a mistake to even say it because he reacted with an angry face and eyes staring with daggers with a forced grin- uneasy bearing of teeth that poised as a smile. It seemed more of a hate expression of jealousy or resentment. Whatever!

                I mentioned how there was the conversation of doing “favors” in secret. He responded: “You were once a pastor. He continued with that he has done “favors for parishioners to keep the peace.” I was surprised that he even admitted that much. I mentioned that thee was much more expected of a renewal and going to Mass (Eucharist). He, immediately, reacted that he recalled my fortune cookie that I opened in the past fall saying that I should watch-out. I never recalled that. Yet, he spoke in ouch a sarcastic manner that I realized I was hitting some nerves in this guy.

                This weighed heavily on me being pulled-in into his mind games. If anything, I renewed my Easter hope for the future. Actually, dealing with “Father Peacock” was for me to sharpen-up my reaction and discussion skills. He did continue the conversation that thee is a house cleaning going on in the American Catholic seen on orders from the Vatican. I responded that he most likely was correct but the on going church blame of one another keeps going on.

                Against, I should have had a Friday ‘poor man’s lunch” in my place by myself. A “poor man’s lunch” is a tuna fish sandwich with water.

                Now, I hadn’t read these days newspapers before I went for lunch with “Father Peacock.” It was a hot day for the printed word and the priest sex abuse scandal.

                I’m only mentioning four articles of that day and not even mentioning letters-to-the-editor. It was boiling media time- fresh anger. I was realizing that my reading, journaling and research were showing a lot going on behind the scenes.

                The first article that I read this day was only in the local city paper- The Gardner News- and not any of the other five newspapers I read daily. This article had my eyes open wide because it was a different bit of information that I thought I might only find in a professional publication. It was titled “Catholic church law gives abusive priest more protection than the victims, some specialists say.” It was written by Richard N. Ostling- AP Religious Writer- who has been publishing articles a number of times on the national level. He writes; “Sex between clergy and adult women is a more serious offense than molesting minors under an obscure but important body of Roman Catholic rules know as canon law, experts in the field agree. Church law also embassies restoring wrongdoers to active priesthood over removing them from the clergy. And some canonists even complain that the system grants abusers more protection than their victims. Taken together, the church laws on sex abuse may provide some insight into the thinking of U.S. bishops as they have handled the waves of molestation charges hitting the church…National media exposure of the problem didn’t begin until 1985-the same year the Canon Law Society of America, the organization of U.S. specialists in the field, published its exhaustive commentary on the new code (1983). The commentary doesn’t have any binding power over the bishops, but it reflects the consensus view among experts and shapes the way bishops and their advisers understand church law. The code canon 1395:2 specifies that sex between priest and minors is an ecclesiastical crime. Yet the 1985 code commentary stated that an initial charge of molesting ‘is not viewed as seriously’ as (a priest’s civil marriage, which the church does not recognize). The distinction is apparent because a priest involved with an adult woman is penalized with suspension, while one who molests a minor faces lesser and undefined ‘just penalties,’ the commentary says. The Canon Law Society produced a revised commentary in 2000 that say this about molestation: “somewhat surprisingly, the code does not seem to view such depicts (offenses) as seriously ass other violations of clerical continence.’” 126

                How about priest like myself that get from one’s bishop: “You’re guilty till proven innocent” and told to “go and we will contact you” and you hear nothing for over five years? There was no canon lawyer or specialist that would listen to me. Besides no having any money, it was sit and wait- periodic visits to the doctor for the regular check if I was attending AA meetings and whatever else the time allotted did go on how I was feeling- I did not drink. There was no response or calls by the diocesan staff that supposedly were the bishop’s liaisons. It was a time of “isolation” and living in a cave of the church format.

                Another article that day in the city (Worcester) newspaper “Conte begins extraction of Desiets from Canada.” Kathleen A. Shaw of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette- Worcester- District Attorney John J. Conte sad last night he has bogus extraction proceedings against the Rev. Paul Desilets, who was indicted last Friday by a Worcester County grand jury on charges of molesting boys when he served at a parish in Bellingham. The priest was last living in a rest home in Rigaud, Quebec. Mr. Conte denied other published reports that the Rev. Desilets had disappeared. The district attorney said he had spoken with a lawyer for the priest in Canada and had no ‘direct knowledge’ that priest had disappeared. Jeffrey Newman, a lawyer of the alleged victims in civil suits, also said that information is incorrect. He said the Order of St. Viatier, to which the priest belonged, had hired a Boston law firms to represent the priest. Rev. Desilets, 78, was indicted n 27 charges that he sexually assaulted 18 young men and boys at Assumption parish in Bellingham.” 127

                What gets interesting about this story is Fr. Dieslets is a religious order priest and not a diocesan priest. Another factor is the Bellingham is not the Diocese of Worcester, but the local city paper does care the story. District Attorney Conte of Worcester has Bellingham in his district but is not Worcester County. It is one of those state issues of jurisdiction.

                Then when I received the Catholic Free Press in the mail on page one” “Settlement money comes from insurance.” It states” “The Diocese of Worcester has not, and can not, use money from the Bishop’s Fund, Forward in Faith or parish funds or property  to settle claims against clergy accused of sexual abuse or against the diocese, according to Msgr. Edward T. Tinsley, diocesan director of fiscal affairs.  Ina letter to priests of the diocese, Msgr. Tinsley said the diocese has settled some civil lawsuits primarily with funds form the diocesan liability insurance. Where those funds were not adequate, limited savings of the diocese were used, he wrote. On occasion, a priest named in the suit has been asked to pay part of the settlement out of his own funds.” 128

                I never received such a letter or any correspondence since 1995 from the diocese. What was interesting was that I tired to get a copy of this letter from a couple priest, but to no avail. 

                More interesting was the story on page three of this same issue of the Catholic Free Press. The article states: “In a letter mailed to Bishop Reilly this week, a reported 70 to 75 parishioners of Christ the King Parish in Worcester asked the bishop to consider the four following request. The letter writers asked the diocese: ‘To fully cooperate with the district attorney’s office and place as its highest priority justice to the victims and their families.’ ‘To appoint a Commission on the Protection of Children like the Archdiocese of Boston , composed of experts in the fields of psychology, counseling and child abuse, whose mandate will include the examination of diocesan policies, to advise on the screening of priest candidates and to offer outreach to victims and their families…’ ‘To embrace and enact a more inclusive and representative form of diocesan governance, which frees from the talents and dedication of all it church members…’ ‘To hold a diocesan wide synod ‘which will include laity, clergy and leading Catholic theologians and ethicists The synod will undertake a thorough review of diocesan church life and the role of the laity, as well as the Church’s teachings on human sexuality and what role they may have played in shaping the present crisis of clergy sexual abuse...’A diocesan spokesman said there are many opportunities for the laity to take part in the work of the Church. He said there are parish finance committees, Eucharistic ministers, lectors, religious educating and the like…Msgr. Sullivan, diocesan chancellor's and lay people are involved with many diocesan boards and committees. A review of the listings in the Worcester Diocesan Directory also shows lay people involved in committees and commissions….”129    

                Reading this article must have been part of the pastor of St. Edward’s was hinting about to me when I last saw him a few days back. But, knowing the pastor (Fr. John Foley) of Christ the King Parish and reading the requests, I was not surprised to read in the article that “three of the four suggestions are already in place to some degree in the diocese.” 130

                The issue of a diocesan synod was the “hooker” that was passed-over. End of discussion. You will not hear anything more on the “petition” of as letter of 70 to 75 signatures. This becomes interesting of the number of signatures. Aren’t they sure if it is 70 or 75? What does it have for signatures? Business goes on as usual in the diocese.

                As a follow-up to Christ the King letter the Worcester Telegram & Gazette had on April 21^st the article “parish talk of priest abuse: Christ the King has open forum.” The report-Kathleen A. Shaw- wrote: “The Rev. John J. Foley, their pastor, closed the Mass (Saturday’s vigil Mass) with an invitation that comes at a time when Catholic throughout the Worcester Diocese and the world are grappling with the troubling issue of those priests among them who have abuse children and teenagers, some for year years at a time. The pastor invited churchgoers move to the front of the church and participate in open form on the issue of clergy sexual misconduct…Parishes are handling the issue in different ways, he (Fr. John Foley) said, but he believes Christ the King is the only parish to hold such forums.” 130 

April 20, 2002

                This day the Worcester Telegram & Gazette gives us on page A1 “Family calls for bishops to resign over abuse case: Failure of bishop to unfrock priest angers brother.” Again, Kathleen A. Shaw writes: Putnam (CT) - The brother of a man who killed himself after being abused by the Rev. Bernard W. Bissionnette yesterday called for the resignations of Bishop Daniel P. Reilly and Bishop Daniel Hart over their lack of leadership and failure to unfrock the priest. Gene Michael Deary, a businessman with offices in Vernon (CT) and Northboro, Mass., said Bishop Reilly told him in the 1990s that Rev. Bissionnette had been removed from the priesthood. He found out from Bishop Hart, that Rev. Bisssionette is still a priest, is being paid by the Norwich Diocese and was never laicized. Laicization is a Lain-based term for “defrocking” or removing a man from the priesthood. Mr. Deary is asking people to contact the chanceries in Worcester and Norwich to call for the resignations the bishops and to contact the attorney general in both states to question why they are being allowed to ‘remain in positions where they can harbor criminals the likes of Bissionnette… (Deary) Both of these men are part of the problem and incapable of being part of the solution,’ he said.” 131

                Nothing was heard about this, again. But, what is becoming know is that the Church have one agenda and “alleged victims” and now there families another agenda besides the facts. 

April 21, 2002

                When you read the local newspapers, one sees a pattern when there are article on the diocese, priest and sex abuse crisis- Tuesdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays- usually on page A1 or B1. This is a Sunday and on page A1 we get” “Conte, diocese mum on numbers: ‘They should let the people know.’ “ It continues: “Just the number- 90 priests accused of sexual abuse-has dogged cardinal Bernard F. Law as the pressure mounts for him to resign from the Boston Archdiocese. In the neighboring Worcester Diocese, Bishop Daniel P. Reilly is facing no such pressure. He has agreed to turn over names of accused priests to Worcester District Attorney John J. Conte. But so far, there has been no disclosure of the number. Despite numerous allegations of sexual abuse committed by the priests, the climate surrounding the Worcester Diocese bears little resemblance to that of the Boston Archdiocese…That no such number has been available from Bishop Reilly or Mr. Conte is a sore point for some who has been watching the priest abuse scandal closely. ‘If they're not going to say how many then what’s the point? Said Phil Saviano, New England regional director for the Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests. ‘This is a matter of great public importance, particularly to the parishioners of the Worcester Diocese. I would think they would be unwilling to accept this,’ he said. ‘Is it because the number is so high that it would be an embarrassment? The Worcester Diocese is about one-sixth he size of the Boston Archdiocese, but similar in size to many across the country. Mr. Saviano says Worcester has had more than its share of alleged abusers. ‘It seems pretty high to me,’ he said. ‘It has always seemed high.’…The Worcester situation is complicated by the fact that it was the host diocese for the former House of Affirmation, where some priests under treatment for psychological problems would later be accused of sexual abuse upon reassignment. The Whitinsville-based facility close several years before Bishop Reilly came to Worcester. But one of the confidential settlement agreements signed by Bishop Reilly names priests who were treated there I what appears to have been a child sex reign. Where the Worcester Dicoese differs most from Boston is in the fact that it does to have new allegations of an offender with a long track record, such as the Rev. John J. Geoghan and the Rev. Paul R. Shanley in the Boston Archdiocese…But as long as Mr. Conte reframes from release the names of accused priest turned over by the diocese, questions about Bishop Reilly’ culpability will not go awash, according to Mr. Saviano. ‘Things are still being uncovered, things are still being investigated. I think it’s too early to make the final analysis that things in Worcester are not nearly as bad as they are in Boston,’ Mr. Saviano said.” 132

                Now, I don’t read the daily local newspapers until later in the day, if someone calls me or sees before I have to answer: “I have not had a chance to read the article, yet.”

                So, “Father Peacock” calls to go to lunch after he finishes at his parish on this Sunday morning. When we sit down at a restaurant’s table, we place our order- it is like clock-work- he begins. This time he goes with: “The media will bring-up the issue of homosexuality in the priesthood.” Then he continues with: “Get the girl out of your apartment!” Again, comments as such come out of him from no where. Why, by now, should I be surprised about any remarks he makes directed at me. But, this time the homosexuality button is possibly very close to home in his particulars and the priesthood. Then, the remark about getting the girl out of my place was a calculated statement to push me into something. I just looked at him and one would guess by now reading my journaling that I gave the bank poker-look.

                Actually, I was at a point that if I had my own wheels, I would have stood-up and departed from the restaurant without saying a word. I didn’t need such remarks directed at me by a priest or anyone else.

                Again, the point should be stated that I was in contact with this priest was that he was my one and only contact with anything of the official church. It was my only way to talk with anyone in my “profession” that I was able to speak about a theological or ministerial topic. There were a few positive insights, but were greatly outweighed by the negative points as such: “Get the girl out of your apartment.” This was said in anger. There was no mistake in any joking. Or was it because in his fancy, he was playing-out a desired role of the bishop’s liaison to priest on Administrative Leaves and think he would have been able to say things as such because of an appointed position. But, the mentioning of homosexuality and then immediately a female situation was by design. Actually, I invested enough of my time to figure that out. That was the work of professionals to do.

                I was going to mention before this burst towards me and dropped it, that I heard the past week on the radio that Fr. Shanley of Boston was saying that a Cardinal abused him as a child. There was another story going that Boston Cardinal Cushing would say that he had two (auxiliary) bishops-one liked booze and the other little boys. Would one that liked boys have been rumored as Bishop Wright who was made Bishop of Worcester at one time and then a Cardinal? Wright was the one that made Harrington and Manning in my journaling, Monsignors during there time in the Worcester Diocese. Harrington was in charge of Catholic Charities and Manning’s was the Chancellor and Wright’s Master-of- Ceremonies. Now, we have to mention that Harrington was friends with Manning who had Rueger in residence at. St. George’s where I was the associate. Rueger became Harrington’s auxiliary bishop. There was a lot of practice previous to me in the system by this priest in how they must have operated and then tried to make me “The Poster Boy.” I never talked about this, again, which I heard from Boston talk-radio during the past week about Shanley and Cardinal Cushing.

                I really, was at the end of my rope with these types of lunches with anyone as “Father Peacock” or anyone else of that caliber for that matter. I had a restored dignity that I was very successful in my ministry where even if it would have meant to go hungry or have a poor man’s meal.  So be it.

                I had been walking three miles a day for the past year. After such a lunch and reading the newspapers, I did my three miles, walking in the afternoon and it was a very brisk pace this day. Anxiety! 

April 21, 2002

                The Worcester Telegram & Gazette published a letter by Mark Szymcik of Worcester in “the people’s forum (March 28) concerning the abuse scandal in the Catholic Church lays blame on the 60s and the Second Vatican Council. Neither theory is supported by the facts…If married people were part of the decision making process, the decisions made would have gone much further in projecting the children and the parishes. It is hard to fathom that men with nieces and nephews would have entrusted their own kin to repeat offenders. It is virtually impossible to believe that people with   children of their own would have taken such a chance.” Szymcik used to be priest of the Diocese of Worcester and the married. I met his one day in the Gardner Public library a few months ago. He talked how he was married and had been doing private teaching. We talked small talk where we knew each other from being assigned in different parishes in Leominster. When I read the letter, the celibacy issue was obvious. In that he played that card with his argument.  

April 25, 2002

                It is reported by Dianne Williamson’s column: “‘Our vote is our money’: Catholics seek change by withholding support.”  She reports: The time has passed for apologies, according to the president of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops. It’s time to act. Many lay Catholics have reached the same conclusion as they struggle to craft an appropriate response to feelings of outrage and betrayal at the shielding of abusive priests by the church hierarchy. The have agonized, protested and written letters. Lately, a growing number of people have conclude that their real power-the one church leaders best understand-lies in their pocketbooks…At Christ the King Church in Worcester, a large group of parishioners is attempting to earmark weekly contributions by the parish only and bypass the ‘cathedraticum’ tax of 7.5 percent assessed to each parish by the diocese to cover operating expenses of the chancery. They are marking their weekly envelope with ‘gift for Christ the King Parish,’ with the goal of withholding support to the diocese. While their pastor initially questioned whether that tax would have to be paid regardless of how much the parish collects, diocesan spokesman Raymond L. Delisle said yesterday that collections not subject to the cathedraticum include ‘unrestricted gifts for parish use’ that are marked as such by the giver. ‘If the issue is to not give money which will be used as part of the resolutions of future civil suits, Bishop (Daniel P. Reilly) has already vowed that other donation given for special purposes would not be used for anything but the stated purpose,’ Mr. Delise added. But that’s not the only issue for many Catholics. While organized efforts to withhold giving money to Catholic causes are cropping up around the state, most poignant are the voices of disillusioned men and women whose faith in the church ahs been shaken, and who believe it’s time to end the authoritarian mentality that contributed to the scandal.” 134

                Williamson goes on to write about two other families that are withholding their weekly envelop. This writer sure knows how to use the words as “many” etc. She has to realize that Christ the King Parish was the only parish out of 134 in the diocese that ventured as such. I am sure there was what I had seen previously as what I call “nicks” in the weekly parish collection The issue of what Williamson states in her article are no where to be reported. The issue that I noticed in my time in ministry was most parishioners hear an issue and go on with their lives. The donation issue is that Catholics are not really known to be donators of any substantial nature. The Sunday collection basket has many one dollar bills. What gets more interesting from my observation is that people with money give very little, with or without a crisis. This is why they have money. Now, talk to people that belong to fundamentalist or other churches that are addressed by “tithing.” There is a much different story than the Catholic Church system. This may be one reason why many Americans do not have any religious affiliation. I don’t mean to simplify this issue, but many Catholics that I know are a dollar club (five dollar redevelop for Mr. and Mrs.) contributor. But, God forbid when they need something, you better be ready for their request- immediately. The bottom line is the numbers of parishioners that carry the regular expenses. In addition, a significant number would say” Father who? This group would be ore concerned about getting a sacrament for their son or daughter and worried about getting buried from the Church.   

April 26, 2002

                I had such an excess of research material becoming available on the Catholic Church and the priest sex abuse crisis especially from the internet that I began to copy article onto 3 ½ floppy. I did this for a short period of time. Then I figured that I had to limit my overview to my diocese and a limited assortment of national and international articles that made a specific news related item to my research and journaling by print material or otherwise specified. I did not save those floppies- there were only two- because the material was added to my research by print or as stated.  

                One of the articles that I did put on the 3 ½ floppy was an article in The Boston Herald by Maggie Mulvihill reported on April 26, 2002 entitled “Shanley tried to blackmail (Cardinal) Medeiros.” This was the rumor that I heard a few days back. Again, another story reported once and you hear nothing more. What was interesting was that The Boston Globe never made any mention of this issue.

                The Today Show in their 8:00 am segment has a segment about Fr. Paul Shanley (Boston) with Bishop Daily of Brooklyn with Attorney Roderick MacLeish and the father of 24-year old Gregory Ford (victim) saying that he wanted a grand jury. They reported that church officials knew Shanley spoke in favor of Man-Boy Relations and “even appointed him (Shanley) pastor.”

                “Father Peacock” called me on my machine and asked that I return his phone call. When I did he said: “(Cardinal) Law has to go! No one is safe (priest in pastoral positions).” I responded with a laugh and he snapped at me: “It’s not funny!” He was extremely angry where he continued: “The perception is fowl. They will be shooting priest on the street.”  He told me that he was busy and that he had other things to do so he was not able to talk. Then when I received the Catholic Free Press issue at 1:00 pm, there was an article by John Thavis on page one (4/26/02) that when he additionally said that opened my eyes to be very wide: “No more hiding and sheltering of gays. There was real anger and even that priest may get shot on the street.” Talk about paranoia or was “Father Peacock” over reacting to slide another issue into the picture. I know this point may be my paranoia, but working with “Father Peacock” had me conditioned in that “the strong is tied to something around the corner-something that is hidden-and wants something.”

                I found the article that “Father Peacock” was bubbling about. It was entitled: “Issue of gay priest’s draws unexpected attention,” by John Thavis on the front page of the Catholic Free Press of 4/26/02. It stated: Vatican City (CNS) - The issue of homosexuality among U.S. priests drew unexpected-and for some people unwelcome-attention during a U.S.-Vatican commit on clerical sex abuse. Bishop Wilton D. Gregory, president of the U.S. conference of Catholic Bishops, told a press conference April we that it was an ongoing struggle to ensure that ‘the Catholic priesthood is not dominated by homosexual me.’ He said there are difficulties in seminary life and in recruiting when a seminary has a ‘homosexual atmosphere or dynamic that makes heterosexual young men think twice before entering, either because they don’t want to be identified with a gay culture or would feel harassed….Bishop Gregory’s remarks came after the opening session of a two-day meeting between U.S. and Vatican officials, who were discussing how to respond to the cases of sex abuse that have come to light in the United States…U. S. Cardinal J. Francis Stafford, a top Vatican official told CNS April 19 that the vast majority of recently reported sex abuse in the United States involved homosexual activity by priests, not child abuse in the strict sense. ‘I think it’s a misnomer really, to call 9the problem) child abuse. I think it’s more of acting at homosexuality,’ said Cardinal Stafford, president of the Pontificate Council for the Laity and former archbishop of Denver. He said recently reported cases that involve pedophile, or attraction to pre-pubescent children, ‘are a significant minority and to focus on those is, I think, to blur the reality.’ Cardinal Adam J. Miada of Detroit made a similar statement to CNN, saying that behavioral scientist ‘is telling us…it’s not truly a pedophilia-type problem but a nonsexual-type problem.’ He said the church has to ‘look at this homosexual element as it exists, to what extent it its operative in our seminaries and our priesthood and how to address it.’ Other, like Cardinal Theodore E. McCarrick of Washington have said the main issue is not sexual orientation but whether a priesthood candidate was ‘acting out’ sexually. Many Vatican officials view homosexuality as a factor in the sexual abuse cases and have noted that most p8blicized ca3s of sex abuse cases and have noted that most publicized cases of sex abuse by clergy against minor have involved homosexual acts…” 135

                 I read this complete article and nowhere was there any mention or even insinuation: “No one is safe. The perception is fowl. They will be shooting priest on the street. No more hiding and sheltering the gays. There was real anger and even that priest may get shot on the street.” Nothing as such was printed in this article. But, I was somewhat surprised that the local diocesan paper carried this CNN (Catholic News Service) article as such and on page 1. It is something to watch and see what will follow because if things keep to tradition on “homosexuality in this country and church,” it will be mentioned and we will not hear about it any more. This would be the time to realize that this question becomes berried: Who berried it? I was observing this issue since the 60s and each time is resurrected, it made news for a couple days and nothing more. It is all about the “atmosphere.” It is different to function in such a culture. Yet, I ministered in the spirit of Jesus words in the Gospels that portrayed God’s consolation, challenge and strength.

                I experienced since I entered the seminary at the college level a homosexual atmosphere. The prep students on campus would refer to us, seminarians, as “fruits.” I never heard that phrase until this time. “Fruits” was a very derogatory term that aroused some bitterness from a few of us. But, at times walking on campus, we would hear the term mumbled by a prep student passing-by. Homosexuality was never talked about in any orientation or classes as such. But, the atmosphere was prevalent with “sissy” behavior. There was the rule of no visiting of any other student’s room that was considered a serious violation by the Dean of Men. But, my third years of college (Major Seminary-Philosophy), this rule was dropped. It became like the “Wild West” atmosphere of who was with whom. I kept to myself and spent a lot of free-time at the school gym playing basketball, volleyball and outside with baseball. Then, after ordination, I was new in the Worcester Diocese and my classmates and others were such a caliber that I found no companionship with any diocesan priest by my own choosing. Then I had to hear of late through a report on MSNBC that the commercial industry through the media was directing commercials towards the gay culture and communities.

                Then I read in my accumulation of newspapers for the day: “New England bishops address Catholic sex abuse scandal: Worcester- The clergy sexual abuse scandal was the focus of attention when the Catholic bishops of New England met this week at the chancery in Worcester. The bishops of the Dioceses of New England, which make up Region I of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, met in preparation for the upcoming conference in Dallas, June 13 through 15. The New England bishops released a statement after the meant in which they express their concern about the scandal and pledge their commitment to the safety of children entrusted to the church.136

                What becomes interesting is how there is an attempt on the bishops part to show a unity at this time from a regional level and then go national. The present papacy and operation of Rome has in the last 20 years directed issues to the individual bishop. Now, we are getting a picture of a national level on this sex abuse issue. This is a significant shift for the local bishop to have to relinquish his “power and authority” again for a national image.

                On page three of this days Catholic Free Press was an article on “Defrock” by a Father Rossetti. He said that if this accused priest is “defrocked” then they are no longer supervised. This had to be the Worcester’s Chancery prepared answer if my name was ever mentions. They most likely would have pulled out of their hat that Fr. Kardas is supervised- having to go to Hartford (IOL) every four months. Isn’t that something because there is nothing and I mean nothing else communicated by the Worcester Goon Squad- Chancery Office?

                The other series of articles of this day in the National Catholic Reporter ends with the story “Priesthood lives, clerical state are dead,” by Eugene Kennedy on page 20. Then, there was “New groups push for change: ‘The underlying disease is absolute power.’ “ by Church Colbert, “Concern rises as crisis grows: Fallout from clergy sex abuse of minors rocks dioceses across the country” by Catholic News Service, “Don’t expect change at meeting some say,” by Patrick O’Neil, “ Listening to survivors sets direction of diocese’s ministry,” by Jane Redmont and “Belleville diocese plans ‘lay synod’ (Not a recognized church group)” by Robert J. McClory. 137

                This was one day in the media for one’s perusal in my immediate availability. 

April 27, 2002

                I did not receive my usual Saturday phone call from “Father Peacock” about having lunch on Sunday. It was my idea to speak-out to him that I appreciated a phone call a day before, so I would be able to make appropriate plans. So, no call, which had me wondering that after Friday’s flare-up with him that this would happen- meaning nothing. Actually, he was hinting a number of times by his side remarks that “lunch on Sunday’s” was going to stop. Friday might have give him the ammo to start using against me when I reacted to his arrogant tirade- It’s not funny of what the media is doing- with my “laugh.”

The AP reported on the radio this day that at least 177 priest had left their ministry in 28 states and DC since January. The dragnet going through the water syndrome is alive and well. 

April 28, 2002

                The Sunday parish bulleting of Sacred Heart Church, Gardner had a bulletin insert (prepared text) entitled: “Funds for settlement of civil liability suits-Diocese of Worcester.” 138 This insert was on printed on yellow paper and was the official prepared text that the local newspapers were reported. What I found interesting that no every parish did follow. St. Edward’s in Worcester did not insert it nor have any mention of it whatsoever.

                But what I did find in my research file was an article by Anthony T. Padovano entitled “Removed from glory ‘Priest’ priest tell human story.” He wrote this in the National Catholic Reporter in 1995: Two of the most troubling issues that confront Catholicism are how to get our sexuality right and where to find the proper balance between authority and license. These are not easy questions. Catholicism today does not do a good job addressing them r weight add, does the world at large. The controversial move ‘Priest’ raised both questions. Its power and pain make it a modern passion play. The film was boringly scheduled for release on God Friday (1995). Whatever the motive, there is a haunting aptness about that initial decision. This is film about a rush to judgment and a crucifixion. It is about a crowd jeering as a man’s life is being taken from him and about a woman who, Pieta fashion, hold him in her arms when no one else will claim him. It is a God Friday story challenging us to define what we believe the ultimate obscenities in life are, confronting us with questions of what is led to when all the initial dreams and ideals are lost, forcing us to state whether or not we can hope for pity and redemption in those moments where we feel most unworthy of them. This is not an easy fly. It is a passions toy, read and naked, assaulting our categories of all that is sacred and legitimate in an effort to encounter what is finally worthwhile in the priesthood, the church and life itself. It is no wonder that the film is controversial. It its tow churches, two spiritualities, two definitions of priesthood against each other.” 138

                I was never able to see this movie or found anyone that did see it. It seemed to have been out there, but nothing else. The questions that this would raise is what has been happening to the church and society in general- practically nothing is able to be put on the table to question for dialogue. Even CORPUS, the national association for a married priesthood gets no recognition on this issue with the American Bishops or practically anyone else.  It is a black and white society where no questions are allowed in our culture or church as such. The Church has been, as I have been stating, the hardening of the wax in claims that the sex abuse is not an issue of homosexuality and celibacy. 

April 30, 2002

                The morning headlines in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette- “Rev. Devlin removed: Diocesan official, ex-Fitchburg headmaster.” We read: “The Rev. Chester J. Devlin, who headed the Respect Life office for the Catholic Diocese of Worcester, has been removed by Bishop  Daniel P. Reilly from his assignment at St. Bernadette parish in Northboro because of an allegation of sexual misconduct with a minor in the 1980s. ‘My (Bishop Reilly) prayers and

Encouragement is with all members of our diocesan family during these difficult times. We pledge once again, our continued commitment to work toward the protection and well-being of children in our care,’ the bishop said. Rev. Devil is the fifth active priest to be placed  on administrative leave this year by Bishop Reilly after allegations of sexual misconduct with minors were made against them…Monsignor Sullivan will oversee the St. Bernadette parish aha has take up residence in the Northboro rectory. He is making himself available to parishioners for pastoral support and to express the bishop’s concern and support of the diocese…Laurie Letourneau, of Shrewsbury, a Catholic who heads the Life action League of Massachusetts, sad many people in the ‘pro-life’ movement have been unhappy with the way Rev. Devlin directed the diocese anti-abortion efforts…Ms Letourneau said the activities believe the Respect Life office was not doing enough to oppose abortion and that Rev. Devlin was difficult to get along with.” 140

                When I read such a column, I get skeptical and even hostile in my thinking of the concept of the “dragnet going through the water” of Fr. Lynch’s time, statement to m. I react as such towards the media as one and the diocese another “game player.” I, also, react because I believe that there was silver lining in my experiences since 1993.Since my time at St. Edward’s and developing a “faith community” opened up my creative powers with the help of the Holy Spirit. Then reading the media and what is now being done by the press and even the diocese makes me cringe. Reading how Monsignor Sullivan is available at the parish of Father Chet for parishioners, kicks-in the thinking where the diocese would be sitting and wanting to ear stories that might even be used against him. Why, I say that is by being pastor of a parish, one is bound to ruffle a few features if one is doing his ministry. But, if it is not understood in the context of the style of the pastor implementing diocesan policies, the pastor becomes the chopping block by the Worcester Chancery Gang. I continue because in my particulars there were two parishioners from St. Edward’s, Westminster (Keena and Leger) that received private meeting with Bishop Harrington (Rueger and Tinsley sitting in the corners) concerning me in 1993. These guys were invited separated in for “dirt collecting” to be used against me. The Worcester Gang must have been very surprised and frustrated. But, one never knows, in such situations what the bishop would want to throw with any information he may have heard. Believe me, the pastor never heard the good that he was doing or accomplished with Harrington’s Goon Squad. That group was doing what we priest called “stalking techniques” against a priest. This was the same gang with Harrington that personified: “Guilty till proven innocent.”

                In addition, reading these latest allegation stories, my blood pressure would rise because of Rueger’s constant manta against me: “More (cases) are going to come out on you, Ted!” Well, George (Rueger)! Where are they? Nothing was ever done that had such a mantra that was being used against me. Sure, the Worcester Chancery Gang was covering for the guy with the pointed hat (Harrington), Manning and a number of others.

                In the afternoon, of this day, my phone rang and it was my cousin, Mickey Bish. Wherever he called, I became very defensive because he was what I cal a “fishing call.” He wanted to know something or someone was burning his ear about priest and allegations. So, I listened, maybe learning from my Bishop techniques, where he said he was so upset because of all that is being said about Catholics. The circle of people that he talks with is so limited that he wanted some information or comment on my part. Then he says, it is, now, the Irish priest being allegated. This was like me having to experience the last 40 plus years in the ministry and schooling. There was in my area the issue of the Polish, French and Irish configuration of Church and especially priest. I was reared in the West Warren section of the town of Warren and there was this distinction of the Polish Church, French Church in West Warren and the Irish Church in Warren. Unbelievable that that we are in the 21^st Century and these labels were being thrown about. One had to watch who was doing this because the clergy were the biggest antagonist at times to get the people off-beat on an issue. I recall that I had to establish that I was an “America of Polish ancestry.” I have written about this previously. I had to careful in any comments that I made to Mickey. I knew that he used to ride- he had no driver’s license- with “Rum” who was the town gossip man on church, politics and baseball. It was like being a member of one clubhouse in a silent competition with another with an eye for news.  Besides these two guys Mickey and “Rum”- used to help at the church mowing the grounds with an eye and ear for anything happening in the rectory. Then, they were off and riding to warm the popular-gossip. The latest priest was smart and said he would cut the parish lawn for exercise. The two guys were history. The priest was very smart in his “heads-up” and doing what he did. Therefore, I said to him that we should all pray for what is happening at this time in the (Catholic) Church. There was an element of Polish people in the West Warren area that were members of the Polish National Catholic Church- independent of the Roman Catholic Church. There was, always, a snipping going on between these groups of who is better or gossip news. How is the song go- They know that we are Christians by our love.

                Even that evening, I attended my Tuesday meeting of AA and a member, who knew who I was, said: “You guys are really getting it.” This meeting was not in the Worcester (County) Diocese but in New Hampshire and the newspaper was reporting issue in their area in a similar fashion as Worcester County were experiencing. Next! 

May 1, 2002

                Listening to the morning radio program- Imus in the Morning has Doris Kearns Goddwin talking o the priest scandal. She said pries had authority and power and their acting can’t be undone. Imus says that Newsweek report said that adolescents are able to get over it- if ever happened. Goodwin goes on about hideously entitles still a figure of authority- I never functioned with this role... She continued to say that the Church has to think about married men as priest.

This day I was at my desk and a green Pontiac with a woman driving came down my street (Comee) very slowly and stopped while staring at 40 Comee street door. She came over and rang the doorbell a couple weeks ago. It was not my bell that she was ringing. It may have been for the guy in the upstairs apartment. But, the Fear buckets filled-up with worry on my part to wonder if this was a reporter. I was thinking if this would be cause of the owners to question me living here. The issue of privacy and my place (The Cave) was an oasis. I used the term “The Cave” as a shelter with spiritual growth as the desert fathers in the early church were know to be individuals of prayer.

                Then I wondered of hearing that at my former parish- St. Edward’s- they were using a water rifle-gun to sprinkle the assembly. One wonder what the celebrant had in his attic and what was he playing with. It was different than pushing a renewal.  

May 2, 2002

                Breaking news came on the TV that Fr. Paul Shanley was arrested in San Diego, CA on three rape charges. Each of the Boston stations was reporting this with a one o’clock Archdiocesan news conference scheduled. It was a feeding frenzy. This did fill up my “fear buckets.” Then the Fox local station- Channel #25 has the broadcaster- Jodi Applegate report on the arrest of Father Shanley with a voice of revenge and spite.

                The evening WBZ Radio program with David Brednoi report that he spoke with an alleged victim who was complaining that a former lawyer wanted $25, 000 up front to take his case. He said that he only received $70,000 where now the latest batch of “pedophile Lottery” was getting $400,000. Brednoi said that lawyers “want money issue and then justice. This is the way it is.”

                I came across my daily calendar- Life’s Little Instructions- May 3^rd: When you can’t flee and you can’t fight, try to just flow. I should practice this. 

May 4, 2002

                We get “U.S. bishops seem set to apply ‘zero tolerance’,” in the Sentinel & Enterprise (Fitchburg/Leominster). It states: “Zero tolerance. One strike and you’re out. American Roman Catholic bishops are using prosecutors’ catch phrases these days as they debate the best way to put a stop to the waves of clergy sexual abuse scandal The trouble is they don’t agree on what those slogans really mean The bishops will gather for a crucial meeting in Dallas next month, where they’ll try to agree on a national church policy for handling sex abuse charges. If they succeed, they’re almost refraining to ask the Vatican to take the rare step of making the policy binding on all U.S. bishops. Disciplining of local priest usually left to each bishop to handle…Following their Rome summit with Pope John Paul II and top Vatican officials, it is clear the U. S. cardinals and other American church leaders have yet to find common ground…Gregory (Archbishop-President) said he would be listening carefully to parishioner’ opinions. But they may send a mixed message, too, which is underscored by what happened to Bishop Joseph Gerry of Portland, Maine. Parishioners at St. Joseph’s church in Ellsworth, Maine, were informed at Mass last Saturday that their priest, the Rev. Leo James Michaud, had been quickly suspended after accusations he abused a teen-age bout in Washington, D.C., 25 years ago. Instead of gratitude for decisive leadership, the bishop now faces some hostility in a diocese where replacing priest can be hard to come by. ‘I’m deeply grieved by the loss to the community,’ said one St. Joseph’s parishioner. Another charge angrily that Michaud had been made a ‘whipping boy’ for the church problems.’ “141

                The title of “whipping boy” is similar to my- “The Poster Boy.” 

May 5, 2002

                This Sunday I received a call from “Father Peacock” to go for lunch. So, he picked me up. It was a very weird picture that I getting of this guy especially in the worst type of scenario and realizing his thinking was beyond belief. He was so intense and detailed in his conversation. He, actually, was scary by what he was expressing and overall outlook. He has, always, had to be the new in control and used fear techniques of his overall character lording over another- elitist personality. He mentioned, this particular time, the agenda of the Bishops meeting in June Dallas meeting. He snapped at me: “All you guys on Administrative Leave will be removed from the priesthood.” He directs this at with such intensity and almost with an attack perspective. He brought up the he will not attend the priest meeting (annual) at the Cape because of the presentation by St. Luke’s Hospital, Maryland. He continued to tell me that he wrote on the Bishop Fund report that o collector had any problems with the sex abuse scandal in hi town. Then, I had to hear that in his sermons (homilies) the he as to be very careful on scandal and parishioners. He said: “If one priest would take a coupe thousand dollars and fight allegations, then we may see another direction. This may be a signal to lawyers and victims of ‘standing-up.’ “On and on he went with intensity in his talk and being red faced. Then I had to hear, again, that I was in the files given to the DA Office and when it comes public, I will be on the list of priest. (One, only, has to go on the internet- Voice of Worcester- which has my name on their web page with others of the Worcester Diocese.

                I was wondering if something else was going on with “Father Peacock” and all these remarks. Was there something else gong on with “Father Peacock”? I had to hear from him that all the priest and deacons received a letter saying that if they know of any abuse, must report it of ace a fine of $1,000 in failure of not reporting an abuse. I, always, realized that he filters material or information towards me where I do not have access to similar information. I call it- the mind game. He kept using the name of one pastor’s parish and issue in having to deal with the whole upheaval in the church in general. This one pastor being stressed, over and over, again, was a technique that he used to keep the spot light on someone else and away from another pertinent issue.

                I had to remind him, when he was talking about the DA list that I was in the newspaper in 1995- if he may have had a memory slip. I reaffirmed that I was, actually, “Worcester’s Poster Boy. “ “Father Peacock” backed-off at that point. But, I think that I said too much. I should have just listened and prayers that I get out of the car at my please as soon as possible if not earlier.  

May 7, 2002

                Page A1- front page of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette has “Priest facing new charge: Kelley worked in Leominster.” This story: “Worcester- the Rev. Robert E. Kelley, a former priest in the Catholic Diocese of Worcester who went to jail in 1990 after pleading guilty to raping a young girl, was charged yesterday with raping another girl when he was assigned to St. Cecilia's Parish in Leominster. District attorney John J. Conte said the statue of limitations does not apply in this case because the girl was under age 7 in the early 1980s, when the offenses allegedly occurred. He said stat law allows reap charges to be filed up to 15 years after an alleged victim’s 16^th birthday.”143

                Then, in this same issue, Dianne Williamson column gives us “time for reality check: A heavy does of irony in latest from diocese.” She writes: “The irony is inescapable. As another local priest is charged with yet another assault on a child, the Worcester Diocese is intent on applying ‘consistency’ to sexual matters- by denying birth control coverage to female employees. Effective June 1, hundreds of female employees in diocesan and parish schools, the chancery and Catholic Charities will have to pay for their own oral contraception, even as the state gears up to make such coverage mandatory for health insurers…As Mr. Delisle was explaining the diocesan’s health care policy, a criminal summons was issued yesterday for one of its priests (Kelley) who apparently never absorbed the church’s teaching that the only purpose of sex is procreation.”144

                Then on the inside front page had “Shanley arrives to face charges: church finds new documents.” We read: “Boston-As a retired priest arrived in Boston to face criminal charges of repeatedly raping a boy in his parish for seven years, the civil lawyer representing his alleged victims said he was ‘dumbfounded’ by a new batch of documents found by the Archdiocese f Boston yesterday. The Rev. Paul Shanley, with Massachusetts state police as escorts arrived at Boston’s Logan airport last night. He was taken to the Newton Police Department to be booked, WBZ-TV, Channel 4, in Boston reported. Roderick MacLeish, a lawyer who represents alleged sexual abuse victims of Shanley in a civil suit, said the archdiocese is withholding the new documents until Friday. ‘It’s beyond reprehensible,’ MacLeish said, ‘Every day brings new damaging news that hurts not just the archdiocese but victims, good priest and lay Catholics. This has got to en.’ An archdiocese spokesman declined comment. More than 1,600 documents in Stanley’s case have already been turned over.”145

                This is one day news on the church and sex abuse crisis. 

May 8, 2002

                This day, we get from the Worcester Telegram & Gazette with Kathleen A. Shaw reporting “Abuse group to meet at chancery” with” Worcester- Representatives of the New England Chapter of Survivors Network Against Those Abused by Priests will meet in front of the chancery of the Catholic Worcester Diocese tomorrow to discuss way the church can respond to the current crisis of priests accused of sexual misconduct. Philip A. Savaino, who heads the chapter, said he will present a letter to Bishop Daniel Pl Reilly asking that he support the victims of clergy sexual abuse when the American bishops meet June 13-15 in Dallas for their regularly scheduled meeting. Response to this crisis is on the agenda. The national SNAP organization will hold a national conference in Dallas at the same time. Mr. Saviano declined to specify what the victims are asking the bishops to do, but said they want bishops to support legislation to make it easier to prosecute priests and other church officials.”146

                Then, we read “Church refuses to loosen reins” by Kenneth H. Moynihan. He states” “From a political point of view, one of the most interesting aspects of the current crisis among American Catholics is the gap between ordinary American political life and the way the Catholic Church is governed, the difference between democracy and hierarchical authority. This is no new discovery. There have always been tensions between the free-flowing discourse of American public life and the Catholic system of lay obedience to the priests, the bishops and ultimately the people, the Bishop of Rome.”147

                When I read Moynihan is reflecting a point that I believe was the 1950s and not present day Catholics. Most people that I meet have their own plan and will be Catholic in the “service station model.” When they get what they want, they drive away until they find another need.

                Them we have in “the people’s forum: Readers respond to Williamson columns on church.” These three letters publisher were in response to Dianne Williamson’s column, ‘Church response inadequate’ (Telegram and Gazette, April 23). One letter writes “I am deeply troubled by her continuing diatribe of negativity. She has the right to her opinion, but her columns may lead some to believe that she is presenting completely factual information, while they are more accurately labeled slander journalism. (Richard J. Markiewicz)” You get in another letter “However” term and ‘Hate the sin forgive the sinner.’ I seem to recall he forgave us all on the cross at calvary.”148,

                I, always, wondered how many people ever read “the people’s forum” or anything beyond the headlines with one or two paragraphs of an article. Just thinking. 

May 9, 2002

                This sex abuse crisis has taken a whole thing of itself with media and all. It’s liked the O.J. murder trail. I, always, wonder where these 40 year- old victims have come from.

                I wondered if my name was on what list? What is this repeat pattern of priest’s name being referred too? I was wondering, again, if I get a phone call from a reporter. I decided to use the phrase: You nee to go to my superior, Bishop Reilly. I realize this “stinken thinking” of mine re-develops at different times in my last few years. During the night if I wake-up and not able to sleep, I did the “Hail Mary Prayer- rosary under my pillow.”

                It has been a time that I continued the waiting game, being on hold with the diocese.  There is lack of justice as “defamation of character” and other canonical issues that I am waiting to address in my particulars. I have become economically starved with a below poverty level of sustenance. It is so typical of this organization- the Diocese of Worcester.  I had been told a number of times of horror stories of priest and how they had been treated by the Chancery Office in Worcester when I was do parish ministry. What I was experiencing was silence- nothingness.

                I heard Rev. Peter Gomes talking on TV about the grieving process. I listened-up to what he had to say about shock, anger, denial, etc. I wonder about such stages even when I’m writing my daily journal and this text. There is the issue of trying to get my story told. This is most frustrating because I do not even have an advocate or had an advocate. So, when I try to explain such a predicament, it seems that I would be processing such stages of grieving. But, there is more.

                This had me reflect how Angelo DiRusso showed me, one time, with his two fingers in a V-shape saying: The truth is somewhere between these two fingers. 

May 9, 2002

                This day, I read in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette: “3 women sue Leominster priests, diocese.” It reads: “Worcester- Three women have filed a civil suit against the Catholic Diocese of Worcester and two priests who served at St. Cecilia Parish, Leominster in connection with alleged sexual abuse by Rev. Robert E. Kelley. The suit identifies the priest as the Rev. George E. Denomme, who was pastor at. St. Cecilia at the time of the alleged sexual abuse and now is the church’s senior priest. Also named is Rev. Francis T. Goguen, who as associate pastor then and now is the parish’s pastor. The plaintiffs- now living in Leominster, Fitchburg and Tewksbury-allegedly war sexual molested between late 1976, where Rev. Kelley was assigned to Leominster, and 1983, when he was transferred to Sacred Heart Parish in Gardner. “149

                More was, most likely, going to be coming on this and Fr. Bob Kelley. 

May 10, 2002

                Now, we get “Secrecy agreements criticized: Victims want to be free to talk about abuse” in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette by Richard Nangle. We read: “Victims of sexual abuse by priests are asking the Catholic Church to fee them from ut-0of-court confidentiality agreements that bar them from speaking about their cases... Yesterday, Diocese of Worcester spokesman Raymond L. Delisle and a lawyer who represents the diocese said that regardless of any such agreements, action would not be taken against alleged victims who decide to violate the terms of their confidential settlement agreements. In a press conference outside the diocese office yesterday, members of the Survivors Network of those abused by Priests asked that so-called ‘gag orders’ be lifted.”150

                The same front page had “Abuse victims take case to public: Rallies stage in Worcester, 21 other cities.” It is in conjunction with the other front page article written by Kathleen A. Shaw of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette. It stated: “The Rev. Rocco Piccolomini, diocesan vicar for clergy and member of the pastoral care committee, went outside to stand with the group. He accepted a letter addressed to Bishop Reilly ands said he would give it to him. One woman said she was pleased that theirs was wiling to come out and participate with them.”151 

May 11, 2002

                “Kelley says he abused dozens: 1996 deposition made pubic” was on the front page of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette this day. Kathleen A. Shaw wrote: “The Rev. Robert E. Kelley administer in a sworn a deposition that he sexually molested ’50 to 100’ young girls while he was an associate pastor to St. Cecilia’s parish in Leominster from 1976 to 1983…The lengthily deposition, a copy of which was obtained this week by the Telegram & Gazette, was made in 1996 while Rev. Kelley was still serving a prison sentence for his 1990 conviction for raping a young girl in Gardner. The deposition was for a civil lawsuit filed on behalf of a woman who said the priest had sexually abused her when she was a young girl living in Southbridge.”152  

                I heard nothing from “Father Peacock” for the whole week where I usually talked with him two or three times a week. This was most interesting especially with the flood of the media on priest sex abuse. I’m only speculating was that he didn’t want to talk with me about anything. The afternoon takes shows and Sunday morning TV programs in addition radio talk shows had no clear thinking. Everyone develops with sounds and images to navigate styles and techniques to deal with the information age we get in this day and age. Some people turn everything-off to deal with daily life. You even hear experts tell you that the talk show and Sunday morning program relate that all opinion is equal. So, one wonders where there is any discernment or critical analysis of issues in this day an age. 

May 12, 2002

                We read this day in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette- front page: “Central Mass. Priest abuse victim’s band: E-mail, Web site uncovering more complaints.” This one goes: “Js days after publicizing an e-mail address soliciting people who have been sexually abuse by Rev. Robert E. Kelley, three women who have filed suit against the priest have received 10 responses. And they expect there will be more. Meanwhile, a Leominster parent is organizing a local chaptered Voice of the Faithful; a Wellesley-based group of Catholic parishioners formed in March as a response to the many cases of sexual abuse by priest were being reported out of the Archdiocese of Boston. ‘We’re going to follow their mission statement exactly,’ said Mary Jean of Leominster parent…Ms. Jean accused the state Department of Social Services  of targeting her family after she complained to the administration at St. Leo Elementary School that a priest name s in a sexual abuse lawsuit, Rev. Peter Inzerillo, had been place there by the Diocese of Worcester. Her son was a pupil there at the time. Rev. Inzerillo has since been placed on administrative leave by the diocese. ‘It’s exactly what (Bishop Daniel P.) Reilly doesn’t want us to do, which is to unite’ she said, adding that Voice of the Faithful reports a number of hits on its Web site from people who live in Central Massachusetts…Ms. Jean said Voice of the Faithful meetings will be held at the Worcester law office of Daniel J. Shea, who will act as an adviser. She said she expect several Lonister Catholics, particularly those who have been paying attention to the recent events surrounding Rev. Kelley to join the group. But she added that in Leominster, ‘the Kelley thing was of a surprise. Nobody was really shocked by that. I think once it starts, it will really get rolling,’ she said. ‘I think the ore that people get together, the ore stories will come out. There’s definitely comfort in numbers.”153 

May 13, 2002

                We get this day in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette an “Editorial footnote: Worcester Diocese raising the code of silence.” It stated: “In a wise move, Bishop Daniel J. Reilly has indicated that the Diocese of Worcester most likely will not take action against any child sexual-abuse plaintiffs who ignored confidentiality order they signed in agreeing to financial settlements with the diocese…Although no action has been taken against anyone in the Worcester Diocese who has spoke of the settlement agreement, the announcement must come as some relief to victims and an indication that the Diocese is willing to deal more openly with this devastating situation.”154 

May 15, 2002

                The Associated Press story in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette has “Priest shot accuser in Baltimore abuse case.” It reports: “Baltimore- A priest was shot and seriously wounded outside his home by a man who accused him of an abuse nine years ago, authorities said yesterday in the latest tragic turn in sex scandal engulfing the Roman Catholic Church.  We, surrendered Monday night and said he what the Rev. Maurice Blackwell after the priest refused to talk to him, police spokeswoman Regina Averela said. Stokes was charged with attempted murder, gun violations and assault. Blackwell, 56, was in serious but stable condition at University of Maryland Shock Trauma Center. His family declined to talk to reporters. In 1993, the church concluded that stokes’ claims of being molested by Blackwell as a teenager were too credible. However, the priest has been on involuntary leave since 1008 because of allegations leveled by another alleged victim. ‘This kind of tragedy is something we’ve feared for some tine,’ said Barbara Blaine of Chicago, founder of the Survivors Network of Those abused by Priests.”155

                This must have shaken up the boys in the diocese- new vigilante gangs approach to priest issue.

                So, the meeting that Bishop mandated for the clergy and reported in the city newspaper. The article “Clergy told of abuse-reporting obligations” stated: “Worcester- Bishop Daniel P. Reilly was among those in the Catholic Worcester Diocese trained Monday on detecting and reporting child sexual or physical abuse. Clergy under the new mandated reporting law that took effect May 3 must file repots on any allegations of abuse or neglect they revived in past years….Training was held at Holy Name Central Catholic High School in Worcester and at St. Bernard’s Central Catholic High school in Fitchburg.”156 

May 17, 2002

                “Rev. Kelley’s bail set high, then gone,” on front page with picture of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette morning’s issue reported: “The Rev. Robert E. Kelley was released on personal recognizance by a superior Court judge yesterday afternoon after a judge in Leominster had earlier set bail at $200,000…Lawyer Jeffrey A. Newman, who is representing Ms Mackey Debbie a. direct and Nicole Cormier in a civil suit, hailed the action by Judge Virzi in setting a high bail and said a pattern of church influence on the judicial system of Massachusetts had finally come to an end. ‘This is very significant,’ he said.”157

                The Catholic Free Press prints this day “Abuse victims plead with Catholic to listen” with “Survivors network presents its demands to bishops” on page one. “Editorial-Bring healing” and on page six- “More cases filed against Father Kelley.”158

                This last article “More cases filed against Father Kelley” begins: "Legal cases involving Father Robert E. Kelley, a priest who hasn’t ministered in the Worcester Diocese since 1985, are mounting.”159. Interesting how this paper writes.

                Finishing-off this days print stories, we get “Lawyer says at hold pastor abused boy,” in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette. We read “The Rev. Raymond P. Messier, pastor of St. Francis of Assisi church in Athol and St. Peter’s Church in Petersham had inappropriate sexual contact with a 9-year –old boy when he was serving at sacred Heart Church in Worcester in the early 1980s, according to Boston lawyer Carmen Dursey. The incident allegedly occurred about 1980s or 1981 at a camp owned by the priest’s family in Charlton, Nr. Durso said. Mr. Durso was contacted by the mother of the alleged victim, who told of an agreement from the late Bishop Timothy J. Harrington to make sure that Rev. Messier was never in a position to have contact with children against. The bishop also said the priest would be sent for treatment, Mr. Durso said he was told.”160

                I read and interesting piece that fitted well for me in the latest media development from Courage to Change: One Day at a Time in Al-Anon II. This day’s page had: I spent more time with myself than with anyone else. Wouldn’t it keens to put some energy into making that relationship as fulfilling as possible with my inner emptiness can be satisfied? I can come to value my own company. I am a worthwhile companion. Exploring my relationship with myself most intimate human relationship I will ever have (What a lovely surprise to discover how unlovely benign alone can be- Ellen Burstyle).

                This had me interested and thinking because at times, I would become depressed because of loneliness. I would reach into my “tool box” that had to include a MA course I undertook at Assumption College on “Loneliness.”

A lot my experiences and studies were valuable to me at different times in my latest journey of being separated from my parish faith community which has been some time, now. In addition, the celebration of the Sunday Eucharist, Church liturgical calendar Year with holidays, anniversaries and feast days.

I have been thinking of late in observing what may be some theories in what has hap ended to me since 1993 of eight common theories. 1. The ancient history theory- old cases of 20-30 years ago but recently only a few alleged sex abuse cases. 2. Rotten fruit- 98% normal priest 3. Ontological sameness theory- priest are only human 4. The Vatican Theory- materialistic, self-indulgent, industrial culture 5. The “Gays did it” theory the lack of moral theory 7. The Media Conspiracy Theory 8. The Celibacy Theory- cause of the frustration. Type 1-3 minimizes the victims and 4-8 claims outside forces. All of these have serious limitations when raised in isolation. Just thinking. 

May 18, 2002

                We read today in Worcester Telegram & Gazette on page A2 “Bishop Reilly subpoenaed in Rev. Kelley case.” Kathleen A. Shaw writes: Bishop Daniel P. Reilly has been subpoenaed to give a disposition on June 19 in the civil suit that Karen A. Pederson of Fitchburg is bringing against the Rev. Robert E. Kelley and the Diocese of Worcester. Ms. Pedersen alleges that she was sexually abused by Rev. Kelley, who has not been functioning as a priest since 1986, when he was serving St. Boniface church in Lunenburg. The woman, who is now an adult said when she made her First Penance at age 8, the priest used the information given to him in the confessional as a way of abusing her, Her lawyer, Daniel J. Shea, who now has an office in Worcester is also subpoenaing all records from the diocese involving Rev. Kelley…The bishop had been subpoenaed by Mr. Shea to attend a hearing with DSS, but the hearing was canceled after the subpoena was served.”161

                Interesting to watch the games of Shea vs. Reilly- old grudges are being played-out in Worcester.

                Same issue has in “the people’s forum” a letter from (Father) Anthony Kazarnowicz who is responding to Williamson’s latest column: “In a column by Dianne Williamson (Telegram & gazette, May 7), she drubs the Catholic Church for condemning artificial birth control. She asks, ‘Why does the church choose as its priority a superstitious and cruel teaching followed by no enlightened women on Earth?’ Maybe not “enlightened women,’ but husbands and wives of faith obey. They keep sex open to procreation because they are servants of God and co-creators with Him of new human life.”162

                Father Tony picks-up the beat from another viewpoint which is his mantra. So, in one sense we read of Kazarnowicz vs. Williamson and Shea vs. Reilly.

                In my mail this day, I receive a “congratulatory card” (annual) for May 23rd on my 32nd Anniversary of the priesthood from Bishop Reilly. It had the standard message of prayers and best wishes.

                Since my ordination, I reflect on my education in the seminary and wonder of bang told lies in that I believe, since Vatican II there has been a “silent” civil war in the Church. Vatican II seemed to be saying that everything will change and be different with all issue pertaining to Church and renewal. I was taught that everything will be discussed and be out in the open. It didn’t take me long going into my first assignment at St. George’s, Worcester and sitting at table with a dinner bell, housekeeper serving the priest that those eternal leaders of liberalism were wrong. I had my eyes opened that those so called “Liberals” liked to invent their own version of everything. It was far from that in my first day in my first assignment. I should say that my trading in the seminary prepared me somewhat of my eyes opening because Vatican II (1962-1965) was presented to me that the bishops developed a reciprocal understanding of Church to strengthen the Church’s horizontal catholicity, the necessary complement of its vertical catholicity as found in their communion with and obedience to the Holy Spirit. I was reminded by my professors those terms such as that of “collegiality” was “explanatory remarks” of church governance with the hierarchal structure. The bishop structure was to be what it was previous to the Council- not surprising because the council was attended by bishops.

                I do recall that I was told by an elderly priest that being a “good priest” must be faithful, compassionate, knowledgeable and spiritual. He suggested that I never leave behind a habit of study, being introspective, critical thinking and never tire of looking things up.  

May 20, 2002

                We read in the morning paper: “Releasing Rev. Kelley was correct: Abuse cases threaten to strain objectivity” by Dianne Williamson: “The strange machinations that unfold in two criminal courts last week illustrate the legal tightrope we walk as the clergy sex scandal threatens to strain the objectivity of our criminal justice system. On Thursday, the rev. Robert F. Kelley was ordered held on $200,000 cash bail by a Leominster District Curt judge who may or may not have been mindful of media attention, but who seemed to have ignored the main purpose of bail and a joint recommendation of the defense and prosecution. Hurst later, a Worcester Superior Court judge releases the Rev. Kelley on personal recognizance, sparking the well-publicized wrath of a group of alleged victims who spoke angrily of their civil cases against the priest during press conferences with their lawyers. (Kelley was not arrested on the charges, but obeyed a summons to appear in court.)…It would be tempting to ignore the tenets of justice in a case as deplorable as Rev. Kelley’s, and its hard to blame alleged victims who now demand that the full force of the law be levied against the priest. But Judge Fecteau did the right things. He ignored the popular choice and followed the law, which says that the main purpose f bail is to ensure a defendant’s appearance in court.”163

                Same issue has “ Another victim, more lawyers added to rev. Kelley lawsuit,” by Kathleen A. Shaw of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette reports: “A class action civil suit filed last week against the Roman Catholic Diocese of Worcester and the Rev. Robert E. Kelley has been amended to include a new alleged victim and the addition of three lawyers to represent the plaintiff’s Claire Ballargeon Groccia who lives in the Sturbridge area, said she was molested by Rev. Kelley when he was assigned to Notre Dame parish in Southbridge, according to lawyer Daniel J. Shea. His name has been added to the suit which originally named only Karen A. Pederson of Fitchburg, who said she was molested when Rev. Kelley was at St. Boniface parish in Lunenburg.”164

                Then we get a “Commentary” by Kenneth J. Moynihan of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette entitled “Sex Abuse scandal brings church woes into public realm. He writes: The Catholic Church is a private organization, yet it is also one of the more important institutions in our society, notably so in Central Massachusetts, where Catholics make up about half the population…An op-ed “ guest commentary” by David O’Brien, director of the Center for Religion, Ethics and Culture at the College of the Holy Cross, called for significant steps to change a system n which the bishop and his staff work ‘behind doors that are to quite closed but open only with their permission.’ Mr. O’Brien called upon Bishop Reilly to set up ‘a committee of Catholic  leaders, chaired by a jurist,’ to review all sexual abuse cases, using the model of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission in South Africa chaired by Archbishop Desmond Tutu. …If the bishop does not ‘promptly’ consult with other diocesan personnel, Mr. O’Brien wrote they ‘should act independently.’ He called for parish councils to ‘hold open parish meetings, contact other parishes, and prepare for diocesan consultation.’ People who could not find another way to participate, he added, ‘should form independent groups similar to Boston’s Voice of the Faithful. Once upon a time,’ Mr. O’Brien recalled, ‘reformers could call in the king to reform the church. Now we have to do it ourselves or it won’t get done.’ Both issues-justice for the victims and reform in church governance-will be part of urn public discussion for ears to come. We have time to consider what role, if any, we should play in the conversation.”165

                Don’t bet on it. The resurging clericalism is re-establishing itself in the model of wax on a candle after it is blown-out and hardens. You will hear nothing or very little to say the least and business as usual. 

May 21, 2002

                What was interesting at times was that some laypeople that knew me had comments and questions of me at times that were peculiar or did not understand-that I did- what was happening with my situation and the Diocese of Worcester.

                John (Jack) Keena of Westminster stopped in for a visit and invited me out for a coffee- usually I knew something was coming from such a person. He asked me: “Is Bishop Reilly going to give you a job?” A number of times, he and his wife, Joan, had me over their home for dinner. I recall that a number of times I tried to explain how the Church (Diocese) operated. Jack was in management and Joan was a housewife. So, I felt at times that I was trying to explain a system that was totally foreign to anything he had of Church and attending Sunday Mass. So, I tired to explain church operations for somewhat a management model which was mistake in itself because they seemed to reflect that is was either black and white issues and your go home to your family.

I do recall that I would leave such a situation and wonder: What was that all about besides getting the latest “gossip” on a situation? This was where my thinking evolved: The string is tied to something around the corner-out of sight. What they would not have understood nor did or continue to realize that I had no advocacy whatsoever.

I was realizing that the wrong questions were being asked in the wrong way.  

It was frustrating at times in trying to explain-somewhat- what was happening. It was a good time to realize the issue of humility. I was realizing that humility is said to be a perpetual quietness of heart. Although, I may not know how help will come, I can remain serene, who asks to remove my short courage. I would try to do so with a peaceful heart. Humility will help me see myself in a true perspective and keep my mind open to messages of knowledge. I realized that true humility should ever be humiliating. Instead, I should feel honored to take my rightful place in a co-creating person with God.

The atmosphere was such that Saturday Night Live had a segment with Tina Faye entitled “News of the Week” announcing that “Cardinal Egan (New York) is asking for help to defend alleged priest. But, he can’t find an innocent priest.” This comment received from the audience: Ouch!!!! 

May 23, 2002 (32nd Ordination Anniversary)

                The Boston Globe reports “Kentucky bishop denies abuse claim: Newest lawsuits bring total against archdiocese to 87.” It states: “Louisville, Ky.- A former altar but has accused Lexington Bishop J. Kendrick Williams of abusing him 21 years ago, one of a dozen new lawsuits filed against the Archdiocese of Louisville alleging its priests sexually abused children. James W. Bennett said he was 12 at the time of the alleged molestation. ‘I quit going to church after it happened,’ he said Tuesday night. Williams proclaimed his innocence yesterday. ‘I am stunned and saddened by this accusation,’ he said in a statement released by the archdiocese. ‘Le me state this simply: The allegations are false….I do not remember the young man, and Have never been brutal to anyone in my entire life.’ The archdiocese suspended Williams, effective at the end of business yesterday, while the matter is investigated….Williams is not the first bishop accused in the sex-abuse scandal that has hit the Catholic Church. The bishop of the Diocese of Palm Beach, Fla., resigned in a March after admitting he molested a teenager 25 years ago…’Al the hush-hush is going to end. This is widespread. I hope these lawsuits revise the whole US Catholic religion. This old church needs to be revised,’ Bennet said.”166

                Reading this information is as though we will get a “score card” approach on the Catholic Church.

                At nighttime in my “cave” and I get “stinken” thinking I worrying about my priesthood. What world the June Bishops’ meeting in Dallas has on priest on Administrative Leave? I was ordained: You are priests forever. But, what with the PR of the Bishops’ and “guilty till proven innocent’ game, do to me? But, I am determined with my vocation to be. Somehow I will get my story out.

May 24, 2002

                I read the Worcester Telegram & Gazette this morning “Milwaukee archbishop admits settlement: Alleged victim paid $450,000.” It reads: “Milwaukee- Archbishop Robert Weakland acknowledged yesterday that he paid a settlement to a man who accused him of sexual assault more than 22 years ago. He denied even molesting anyone, but asked the Vatican to expedite the resignation he submitted earlier this year. The archbishop’s accuser, Paul Marcoux, received a $450,000 settlement. He said he was drunk when Weak land attempted to assault him inactive 1979, but he did not go to police because tow priests advised him against it. Marcoux, now 53, was a Marquette University theology student at the time. He said Weakland seemed infatuated with him and later made sexual advances which he rushed aside….Marcoux produced a letter, posted on the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel’s Web site, in which Weakland said he could not give more that $14,000 to Marcoux for a business project. ‘I should not put down on paper what I would not want the whole world to read. But here goes anyway,’ the letter said. ‘I felt like the world’s worst hypocrite. So, gradually I came back to the importance of celibacy in my life…. Paul, I really have give you all I personally posses-the $14,000 is really my personal limit.”167 

May 24, 2002

                Then, the National Catholic Reporter gives us “Viewpoint” by George Wilson- Jesuit who is an ecclesiologist who does church organizational consulting in Cincinnati- “In ‘70s, ‘80s, bishops saw abuse of minor as sin: Faulty assumptions led to tragic decisions.” He writes: “Bishop Joseph Galante, acting as a spokesman for the U.S, Bishops, put the matter clearly when he said than tin the 1970s or ‘80s bishops thought acts of sexual abuse against minor wren sins. At that time they didn’t realize yet that they were crimes. Fair enough. The ignorance of the criminal nature of the offense and the lack of concern for the young person involved may be judged inexcusable but they were the factors that sere not in the bishops’ consciousness then. What were thee was sin, moral failure. We need to examine their response from their perspective at the time. What was the response that emanated from their theology’ spirituality? Get the offender off to a monastery. Have him make a retreat and go to confession. Get him back to prayer. And if we do have to pay some respect to the helping professions, at lest let it be in a Catholic facility.”168

                Reading this has me reflecting on Bishop Harrington had handled me where he obviously had a lot of proactive on priest, then making me: “The Poster Boy.” He gets me out of the parish overnight, ships me for a psychological evolution, doesn’t like the results and tells the doctor that he will find a doctor that will make me a “pedophile” and tells me to go “somewhere” and he will contact me- hatched-matched-dispatched. 

May 25, 2002

                The Table (British International publication) prints the story “Does Nolan (Report) go too far” by Elena Curtis. “Tough new measures to prevent child abuse are being taken by the catholic Church in England and Wales. In the past theocracy has been accused of putting the interests of offending priests before their victims. Now it is determined to redress the balance. But, as our reporter discovers, some orients feel venerable and afraid.”169 (Priests are sitting targets.)

                This is a world-wide issue in reading such a story. I keep thinking of this issue as: Paint-by-the-numbers.

                I read this date on CNN “crawl” segment that according to a Cleveland Report that since 1986, 12 priests have committed suicide because of being allegated on sex abuse charges.

                Why do I think that all these news stories have a “right-wing” involvement agenda of “cleaning-up the house syndrome?” Now the media has the Catholic Church becoming the “catch basic” for everything- power abuse. We will never unravel this puzzle.

                But, I read a quote by Louisa May Alcott: “I am not afraid of storms for I am learning own to sail my ship.” I am cherishing evading this. 

May 26, 2002

                “Handling of abuse case criticized,” appeared on front page of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette. In this article, we read: “In Salem superior court last week a judge increased the bail for accused child molester and former Catholic priest Ronald Paquin from $100,000 to $500,000. The previous week, a Worcester superior Court judge did just the opposite-reducing the bail for the Rev. Robert E. Kelley, also an accused child molester, from $200,000 to nothing. Legal observers are quick to point numerous differences between the two cases that make comparisons between them an apples-and-oranges proposition. For many Central Massachusetts victims of clergy sexual abuse however, the contrast is too stark to ignore and underscores a growing disillusionment with the way such cases are mishandled by the Catholic Diocese of Worcester and District Attorney John J. Conte.”170

                Greeley gives us: “Clueless curial arrogance,” in his weekly column of the Daily Southtown. He writes: “As I read the recent comments of Vatican apparatchiks about the sexual abuse crisis in this country, I wonder whether they are trying to destroy Catholicism in America or themselves. If we are to believe a certain Archbishop Herranz, the crisis is the result of the American news media and legal system and the timidity of the American bishops in paying large settlements to the victims of abuse. He also castigated the bishops for reporting sexual abuse accusations o civil authorities and turning over files to prosecuting attorneys. Archbishop Herranz sat in on the meeting with American cardinals and the pope and presides over the Council for the Interpretation of Legislative Tex (sic!). He also blames the whole crisis on homosexuals. Gianfranco Ghirlanda, S.J. dean of canon law at the Pontifical Gregorian University, argues in the Jesuit magazine Civilta Catholica that bishops are to morally or legally responsible for what priests do, they should not make them take psychological tests, should to report accusations to civil authorities, and should not inform parishes when a priest is reassigned. Finally, (in a copyrighted interview with John Allen, the Rome bureau chief of the National Catholic Reporter) a certain Cardinal Oscar Rodriguez Maradiaga of Honduras (reported to be a leading candidate to be the next pope) is quoted as saying that attention to the pedophile crisis in the media detracts from attention to the war in the Middle East, that the money in the lawsuits should not be give to lawyers or to the victims but to a fund for spirituality, that every time money mixes with justice it become unjust, and that the he would be prepared to go to jail rather than harm on e of his priests.”171

May 30, 2002

                “Catholic group opposes zero-tolerance policy, “ by AP reports: “A liberal Roman catholic group yesterday came out against the adoption of a zero-tolerance policy toward child-molesting priests, saying those who commit misdemeanors may deserve a second chance. Call-to-Action, an organization that claims 25,000 members in 40 chapters, mailed its recommendations May 15 to America’s bishops, who are scheduled to meet in mid-June to set new policies on sexual abuse by pries. Disagreement over the zero-tolerance plan is expected at the meeting….The Chicago-based group agreed that those convicted of felonies should be automatically defrocked, but said some discretion is needed for priest who commit lesser offers…..The grope also said the bishops’ new policy hold include prompt reporting of allegiants to police; immediate suspension of accused priests; independent review boards in each diocese and national review board; and public discourse of the names of perpetrators, past and present…. David Clohessy, director of the Survivors Network of those Abused by Priest, said his organization believes that ‘if someone miles a child even once, they shouldn't be a priest.’ “172 

May 31, 2002

                The article that Father Greeley referred to in his latest Daily Southtown column by John Allen is entitled “Vatican preolates oppose move to report priests: Cultural divide seen in reservations about taking abuse charge to police.”  In addition to what Greeley reported, Allen writes: “We must not forget that we are pastors, not agents of the FBI or CIA- Cardinal Oscar Rodriguez…Still, Paulist Fr. Paul Robichaud, pastor of the American parish of Santa Susanna in Rome, said he wouldn’t chalk up Vatican reservations entirely to differing cultural perspectives. He told National Catholic Reporter May 20 that he also sees a legitimate impulse to protect priests from false accusations. “All of us who are sports are surrounded by broken people whose emotional and mental health is fragile,’ Robichaud said. ‘This crisis has empowered these fold to make false charge that a year-and-a-half ago world not have been take seriously. There is a crisis of morale among priests in the United States,’ Robichaud said, ‘and priests expect their bishop or religious superior to stand with them, not against them….Bravo for the Vatican,’ he said. “173

                Bravo to read this type of response of Robichaud. The only statement that my bishop hits me with “you’re guilty till proven innocent.” But, I never get a chance to expose where the string is attached to around the corner.

                I had a very peculiar situation this day with “Father Peacock.” I had lunch with him. He made a remark to me while seated that he observed the “two idiots” had come into the restaurant to get a tae-out order. This guy had an oil company in town and “Father Peacock” dropped him for his parish oil supply. This guy was standing at the entrance and staring at “Father Peacock.” It seemed that this guy and the priest have bumped into each other at other times in this town. So, we put our money on the table and immediately exited. We had to walk by this guy who said to “Father Peacock”: “It’s surprising that they haven’t got you, yet!” Outside, the priest explained to me that we had to leave immediately because this guy would put on a show in the restaurant.  I said to him that we should get in the car and leave the parking-lot. Sure enough, this guy comes out of the restaurant entrance and stood with his hands on his hip scanning the parking-lot for most likely “Father Peacock.”

                My observation was that this pastor told me that when he submitted his Bishop’s Fund report that he wrote that there were no issues related to the sex abuse issue in his parish or town. What was this all about? 

June 1, 2002

                We read on the frond page of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette “Diocese adopts new policy on abuse: Changes to be discussed at all weekend Masses.” We get from Kathleen A. Shaw, who writes: “Bishop Daniel P. Reilly terming sexual abuse of minors by priests a ‘sin that must be death with,’ yesterday announced new, far-reaching policies for handling allegation of abuse of clergy and church workers. The bishop said in an interview that he believes the current crisis in the catholic Diocese of Worcester and throughout the Catholic Church represents a ‘time of purification’ that eventually will lead to a better church for it,’ Bishop Reilly said. The changes are to be announced at all Masses in Central Massachusetts today and tomorrow, will be printed in  The Catholic Free Press, the diocesan newspaper, and can be seen on the diocesan Web site….The bishop said the new policies wren developed after months of discussions with victims of clergy abuse and parishioners from several parishes.”174               

June 2, 2002 (Sunday)

                John Leo, who is a syndicated columnist, writes “Church must restore pressure on priests to keep their vows.” He writes: “A few years ago an old friend, now deceased, was ordained a priest and joined a new community in the Midwest. My friend was homosexual, and it slowly dawned on me, on a visit out there, that the other priests in the house seemed to be gay, too. So was the local bishop, according to the clerical grapevine. I wish I could say I was overcome by an intense desire to figure out what was going on, but I wasn’t. Sample questions I could have asked my friend but didn’t: Will straight priests feel welcome in this house, and if not wasn’t this place going to be a gay institution: What would that mean? And what are the chances that a houseful of life-minded, high-energy homosexual men would remain celibate? If they were sexually active, didn’t this make them hypocrites, committing themselves publicly to a rule they were al ignoring. Good questions, finally being asked throughout the Catholic Church. As the battle lines are now drawn, one side says that sexually active gay priests are a small percentage of the clergy, perhaps only 10 percent. The other side says the church has a severe long=term problem with a powerful ‘lavender mafia’ of gay priests and bishops that controls many seminaries and undermines the integrity of the church by encouraging what the church forbids. Intentionally or not, the argument goes, this gay culture discourages straight recruits to the priesthood and gradually makes the clergy more heavily homosexual. Bishop Wilton Gregory, the current head of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops recently said, ‘It’s an ongoing struggle to make sure the Catholic priesthood is not dominated by homosexual men; Apprehension about gay domination of the church is no a top level concern? Ordinary Catholics hadn’t been told. Still, it isn’t exactly fresh news. The last cardinal in Boston, Humberto Mederos, warned the Vatican in1979 that a sharp increase in the number of hay seminarians meant a decline in straight seminarians. He said, ‘When large numbers of homosexuals are present in a seminary, other homosexuals are quickly attracted. Straight applicants, he said, ‘tend to be repelled.’ “175

                What about living and trying to minister as a heterosexual priest that is dominated by an “underground” homosexual clergy and hierarchy? The heterosexual priest is the “freak” or called “immature” and other names in “The Dirt Game” which is very prevalent in the presbyter (priesthood)...

                Here is a peculiar observation- When I was pulled from the parish in May ’93 and the first Saturday weakened Mass that I was missing had a horrific thunderstorm that struck the church tower at St. Edward’s. It damaged the speaker system and some electrical wires. Then, when Fr. Stephen Gemme of Westminster was going to celebrate his first Mass at 2:00 o’clock, had a horrific thunderstorm. Very peculiar in that it was just by chance. Gemme was ordained on June 1^st by Bishop Reilly at the Cathedral in Worcester. 

June 4, 2002

                We read this day in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette “Lawyer says diocese not liable for abuse.” It states: “A lawyer for the Catholic Diocese of Worcester, responding to a class-action civil suit filed by two alleged victims of the Rev. Robert E. Kelley, said the diocese is not to blame. Damages to the plaintiffs ‘were caused in whole or in part or were contributed to by the negligence, act or failure to act of the plaintiffs’ and they cannot recover damages, according to Joanne L. Goulka, who is representing the diocese in the suit….The diocese’s position, she added, is that any injuries to the two women were cause by someone other than the diocese, which is not legally responsible. ‘Any wrongful conduct committee by the defendant, Robert E. Kelley, was undertaken outside the course and scope of any relationship he may have had with the defendant’ according to the diocese’s response to the suit.”`76

                On the Boston TV Channel #5 (ABC), there was a report given on the Catholic bishops “National Policy” will ‘remove priest if abuses more than one.” As an analogy that it hit me in the stomach like a punch. I had a nervous upset stomach. Was this a new twist?

                Some other news (gossip) came back to me: “Mossman Road (street in Westminster) doesn’t go to church because of Fr. Kardas.” The issue of the gossip was supposedly seen family that live on that street are a classic pastoral issue- the gas station Catholic- get Confirmation for their teenager and they all are history where you see them next when there is need for a wedding ceremony.  A sociologist should study this group because the priest gets the red badge of courage.

                Another observation is about “frivolous allegations.” Is there a good or bad allegation. Based on for proof which is unproven? We live, these days; in the sloth machine syndrome- put in lawyers and pull the handle.  Whenever anyone talks today of back in the 60s and 70s was the spawning of the Age of Aquarius. I was part of in the 60s generation I was going to college in the 60s because I wanted test myself about a vocation-the priesthood. It was a time that I noticed certain classmates and ordained that personified arrogance, aloofness and privilege. I just wanted to be myself.

June 7, 2002

                “Scope of abuse shocks bishop: Reilly’s views have changed-policy on abuse evolving,” is found on the front page of this day’s Worcester Telegram & Gazette. We get: “Bishop Daniel P. Reilly acknowledged yesterday that the scandal of purest abuse in the Catholic Church is more far worst than he had imagined. He said that over the years he had accepted the rationale that a few priests committed these crimes but own he understands the issue differently. He added that he was aware of cases of alleged abuse that came to him personally in his role as bishop, but had not idea of the large number of hidden cases that he had not heard about, he said. Bishop Reilly will attend the spring meeting of the U. S. Catholic Bishops in Dallas Thursday through Saturday. He said he essentially back the recommendations of an ad hoc committee that would set up a national policy on handling future alleged sexual misconduct. “The copies us,’ the bishop said with a laugh during an interview yesterday, noting that last week the Catholic Free Press of Worcester implemented its own policy for handling sexual misconduct cases by any priest or worker for the diocese. The diocesan policy already incorporates many aspect of the proposed national policy….Bishop Reilly said that in his career as a priest he now of only one case in which he believes a priest may have had only one occurrence of sexual misconduct. ‘It was an unusual situation,’ he said. The bishop said controversy and various points of view surround the idea of allowing priest to continue in their jobs if there was only one incident of abuse. ‘I want to wait and hear what they all have to say,’ the bishop said. ‘Once is one time too many.’ “176

                When I was reading this column, it showed me how Bishop Reilly is scrambling being himself and a member of the hierarchy- doing and saying anything that protects that “inner clubhouse” of the ordained ministry. He is, actually, expressing that talking with him and finishing any discussing, one does not know for sure about what was actually the topic of conversation. This is my analogy that one does not know which way the current is running in the Cape Cod Canal unless you go to that place and stand on the shore and observe for yourself. Bishop Reilly had the gift. It may explain why Attorney Daniel Shea loves to work lawsuits in Worcester County and where he was a seminarian in Providence RI with Reilly being the Chancellor (hatchet-man).

                What I have to realize is when I get before God some day, He will say: “Thaddeus, you just never did understand the game.”

                This same day I read in the National Catholic Reporter “Zero tolerance martyrs priest to self-righteousness: Cardinal George battles for commons sense in doubt about sex abuse policy.” Eugene Kennedy through Religious News Service writes: “Almost alone, Cardinal Francis George of Chicago has spoke out publicly to express doubts about the prudence of the ‘zero tolerance’ policy the American Catholic bishops may adopt at their meeting this month in Dallas to deal with priests accused of sexual abuse. He has welcomed the move by local catholic lawyer to hold open forums to discuss the larger problem before the bishops convene their meeting. George is responding like a good pastor to the elements that are driving the current discussions on what to do about priests who are accused of sexually business those in their care. His brother bishops perceive themselves to be under norms pressure from their Catholic people to endure the zero-tolerance policy, whose one-strike-and-you’re-out simplicity is both appealing and appalling...George deserve support, therefore in asking for an interval in which bishops and people may come to a better understanding of the problem of sexual abuse and its cause before deciding on cures or punishments for it. . The bishops may think they hear the tumbrel rolling to their door, but most Catholics have seen enough of life to accept the need for patience and care in assessing the nature of this problem.”177

                The Catholic Free Press reports in front page headlines this day “U. S. Bishops to vote on national mandatory sex abuse policy: Diocese strengthens policy.” The article states: Washington (CNS) - The national sex abuse policy the U. S. bishops will be asked to approve in Dallas June13-15 calls for laicising any priest or deacon who commits even one act of abuse of a minor in his future. It also calls for laicising anyone who had committed more than one abusive act in the past or who is diagnosed as a pedophile. Fro a one-time past offender who had been treated, it calls for stringent review by a predominately lay diocesan renews board to determine whether he can be returned to anyone of ministry. Such a review would include hearing from the victim. If the former abuser should receive any new assignment, it would be under restrictive conditions and with full disclosure ‘to those with whom he will live and serve.’ “178

                The front page of this issue states a  complete text of the drafts to be delegated by the bishops can be fund on the U. S. Conference of Catholic Bishop’ Web site.

                My thinking has me waiting for the phone to ring for a change of my situation and have these bad days disposed. Like a soldier going into battle, they say thinks of “home” and the good times. I think of my parish and working with R.C.I.A. Whenever I would start my day in the morning, I felt a lot better when I followed such an approach. Those bad thinking days, were thinking of a meeting with Bishop Reilly in Dallas. My fear buckets were filling-up when I allowed to worry that “Father Peacock” had no contact with during this whole Dallas meeting.

                There was a survivor’s guilt developing that I had to very aware happening: 1. mild depression 2. Anguish 3. self-breathing 4. Decreased productivity and feelings. So, I write to cope better with my days. In addition, I did have my moments if God was communicating with me? I, only, had to pay attention to my experiences since May ’93 as the personalized place when god communicated and continues to do so with me. I did need reassurance, comfort and strength at different times. My story is more than anything of the abuse category, but would address: How is your spirit healing from the trauma? What are you doing to become whole again? Is someone helping you? This is where God is working through me. 

June 8, 2002

                Kathleen A. Shaw gives us two articles on priests on the front page of this day's Worcester Telegram & Gazette. The first one “Rev. Messier removed from pastor assignments.” It states: “The Rev. Raymond P. Messier who has been the subject of investigation by the Catholic Diocese of Worcester, was removed yesterday form his assignments as pastor in Athol and Petersham. “They did the right things,’ said Carmen Duson a Boston lawyer who brought the allegations of sexual abuse by the priest to the attention of the diocese. Rev. Messier is the sixth priest that Bishop Daniel P. Reilly has removed from an active parish assignment since February in the wake of allegations of sexual misconduct. There were there Rev. John J. Bagley of North Grafton; the Rev. Leo F. Bartlett of Worcester; the Rev. George Walsh of Oxford; the Rev. Chester Devlin of Northboro; and the Rev. Peter J. Inzerillo of Leominster.”179

                Then we get on the same front page “Sexual abuse civil suit filed against rev. Bartlett, diocese.” It reads: A civil suit was filed in Worcester Superior Court yesterday against the Rev. Leo F. Bartlett and the Catholic Diocese of Worcester n connection with alleged sexual abuse of two men when they were in their early teens. Joseph P. Cote, now of New Hampshire, and Kevin A. Donnelly, now of California, said they were forced to participate in what they called the “Greek Olympics” while at Cape Cod with the priest. They and other boys who were guest at Rev. Bartlett’s Eastham home wee given alcoholic beverage and then pressured to run naked through the streets of Eastham near his home on Weir Road at Shady Lane. Lawyer Daniel J. Shea, who is representing the men, said they we required by Massachusetts law to sign a statement under oath that al their allegations are true.  ‘The facts cited by these men speak for themselves,’ Mr. Shea said.”180 

June 9, 2002

                “Scandals cast Shadow on diocese’s future” is on the front page of this morning issue of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette. Richard A. Nangel reports: “With contributions to the Bishop’s Fund lagging slightly, parishioners ordaining and Bishop Daniel P. Reilly less than a year away from retirement age, some church observers believe that the Catholic Diocese of Worcester faces uncertain times. David O’Brien, a College of the Holy cross professor considered a leading authority on the Roman Catholic Church, believes part of the solution to regaining full trust and confidence lies in an effort to have a full accounting of sexual abuse committed by clergy member’s Some parishioners have already begun organizing their own church reform groups as the clergy sexual abuse scandal unfolds in Worcester Court. But an effort of this kind, undertaken in an open and forthright manner, could restore the confidence of the faithful, Mr. O’Brien said. But the Rev. Richard McBrien, a theologian at Notre Dame University, believes that attempts to restore confidence will be made all the more difficult by diocesan legal troubles. ‘The leadership of the Worcester Diocese will be in serious legal trouble for months to come, even after the current bishop retires,’ Rev. McBrien said.”181

                This same issue gives us “Alerting police not required by diocese sex abuse policy.” One reads: “The Catholic Diocese of Worcester’s new policy on addressing allegations of sexual abuse is considered by some to be an improvement, but questions are being raised about whom contacting law enforcement authorities isn’t among the guidelines. Bishop Daniel P. Reilly said in an interview last week  the new policy does not include calling police, but does state that information about such allegations will be forwarded to the district attorney’s office. “We have not done that, but anyone making an allegation can call place on their own. We will not stop there, he said. …Patricia O’Leary Engdahl, who had tow school –age daughters, said she handled a number of sexual abuse cases involving children and rape of woman when she was an assistant district attorney in the Worcester district attorney office. A graduate of Suffolk L School, she also has worked for the Henry Lee Wills Center in Worcester and has experience in deal the DSS- who will oversee implementations of the Diocese’s new policy- “I will be going out to parishes to talk about these issues…I also want to get feedback from the parishioners on what they believe needs too be done.’ “182

                My writing of my journal and now this text format will open many more insights after getting to know the future face, more personal details, deeper analysis and also justifications for my conclusions will be found in future pages. 

June 10, 2002

                What I noticed of late how the media and others have concentrated on homosexuality and celibacy with the priest sex abuse crisis. I have, even, expressed personal viewpoints. But, the real issue is “the system” of the Roman Catholic Church especially with power and authority element being played-out.  

June 12, 2002

                “Athol priest to battle allegations: Petitions support Rev. Messier” is reported on the front page of these days Worcester Telegram & Gazette. It reads: “The Rev. Raymond P. Messier, who was removed form his parish in Athol and Petersham last week after an allegation sexual misconduct was made to the Catholic Diocese of Worcester, plans to fight to clear his name. The priest has retained lawyer Robert Casey of Harvard. Family member said at least three petitions are circulating in the Athol and Petersham area that will go to Bishop Daniel P. Reilly. The singers are attesting to Rev. Messier’s good character and opposing his removal from the parishes. Rev. Messier, in a telephone interview last night, said he has been told not to speak publicly o his station and to refer calls to his lawyer. His lawyer was not available last night. Rev. Messier has left the rectory in Athol and is staying elsewhere….Michelle Marcus try of Douglas, a niece, said she was appalled by the allegation made against her uncle. She questioned why the woman who made the allegation and the woman’s son do not reveal their names. ‘if this was true, why is it the mother and to the son coming forward?’ she said  One of Rev. Messier’s big worries when the allegation surfaced was that he would not be able to take his dog with him if he was forced to leave the rectory. Ms. Marchustry said. The dog was allowed to go wither uncle, who is staying with a friend, she said. ‘He has an impeccable record of nearly 33 years with the chancery and priesthood,’ she said.”183

                The Dallas meeting was being address as “big time bishops’ discussion” with 300 bishops and 700 reporters outside their convention center. Cardinal McCormick of Washington, D.C., I heard say: “This ends here.” There were reports that there were 100 alleged priests still in the ministry on the national level. Two more bishops resigned: Bishop William of Lexington, KY and an auxiliary bishop of New York City that was an assistant to Cardinal Egan. There was even talk of a monk in Bulgaria, who told a reporter who put a microphone in his face, to “Drop dead!”

                I felt a dry panic. By continuing to take my own inventory, I realized that this should not have been my story. If I did any wrong, I would have promptly admitted it. I wanted to clear out many unwanted attitudes. I wanted to leave yesterdays baggage in the past. There was this unwanted negativity that was part of me.

                I was recalling what Fr. Tom Lynch told me: “The good with the bad are getting caught up in the dragnet.” (1993)  but, a former classmate of mine from Boston called me to give me advice with everything personally happening with the Church: “Stay cool, calm and collective.”  

June 13, 2002

                This morning’s Worcester Telegram & Gazette reports this day “Grand jury indicts priest on 5 child-rape charges.” The story goes: “Rev. Robert E. Kelley has been indicted by a Worcester County grand jury on five charges of child rape and will be arrange today in Worcester Superior Court. Rev. Kelley was also due back in Leominster District Court today to face similar charges of child rape of Heather Mackey of Tewksbury. District Attorney John J. Conte said because of the grand jury indictment Tuesday, the district court case that will be dismissed. The five charges involve only Ms. Mackey; he said Rev. Kelley has been free on personal recognizance since his arraignment last month in Leominster. The Worcester Superior Court session begins at 9 a.m.”184

                We are now getting an hour-by-hour updating of church situations in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette.

                The internet had a statement from a Sister Angie Bryan in Catholic Weekly state: “We’re learning and doing our best to deal with each case (sexual abuse) and are willing to instantly learn and refine the protocol.” Now, this good sister is obviously speaking n behalf of the Catholic hierarchy in such a statement. What was she, really, trying to say?

                I know for instance that the newly formed sexual abuse committee in the Diocese of Worcester by Bishop Reilly had 16 committee members. Talk about a vigilante mob. Even “Father Peacock” asked me if I ever went in front of Reilly’s committee. I never went before any committee. I had the experience of “the hot house kitchen.” It was that kitchen in the hot of summer at the Bishop’s Residence at 1:00 pm with the binds tightly closed and one overhead light pulled down over my head while sitting a the table in the middle of the room. One should not forget that I had to hear from my bishop: “You’re guilty till proven innocent.” I guess that was my “due process.”

                I get a phone call from “Father Peacock” with: “I’ve been trying to get hold of you.” He drops this approach quickly because I reacted that I have been at my desk. He spoke in a very nervous tone to voice. He asked me: “Are you going to Canada next week?” I was invited to visit his retreat center with him that he frequents in Canada. I responded that the West Warren- Molly Bish Anniversary of her missing- situation was at the end of the month and that I should stay around. He responded with a harsh: “O.K!” then he said that Fr. Peter Shay in West Brookfield is resigning his pastorship due to “cancer.” Then he had to get it in: “The parish is open for bidding. Submit your name!” Oh? Then, he quickly said that he had been so busy with his festival coming-up that weekend. Lastly, he turned the conversation to cardinal George of Chicago, who according to him, said was against dropping every priest alleged. Then, he quickly departed.

                I had been reading the press reports about Cardinal George. I didn’t get that type of response from what I saw with that issue. But, the information that “Father Peacock” was relating was a roller-coaster flow of information with a certain “twang” to his input.   

June 14, 2002

                We read this morning a “Commentary” in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette by Kathleen Parker. He writes: “As a dictum, ‘blaming the messenger’ has been elevated to near-iconographic status in the Catholic Church, which now blames the media for this dreadful pedophile business. Honduran Cardinal Oscar Rodriguez Maradiaga, one of a half-dozen cardinal in line to replace Pope John Paul II, has said in a magazine interview that the U. S. media have been conducting a ‘witch hunt’ in their pursuit of the molestation scandal. He compared hews coverage to the tactics of Hitler, Stalin, Diocletian and Nero (the latter tow, for the history-challenged, were mean Roman emperors), specifically naming CNN fonder Ted Turner, The New York Times, The Washington Post and The Boston Globe as unfairly aggressive. ‘Those (publications) were protagonists of what I define as persecution of the church,’ Maradiaga says in the June 12 issue of “Trente Glorni’ (Italian for Thirty Days) Doubtless, reporters and editors at those papers are enlarging Maradiaga’s comments to poster size and passing the Tattinger. Calling the media aggressive is like calling George Bush a cowboy; both are cause for preening and celebration. Note No. 1 to cardinals: Good newspapers are aggressive. In this country we consider sexual abusers of children to be fair game.”185

                I had Imus-in-the-morning program on TV this morning. He had a reported from MSNBC- national desk commenting that the bishops in Dallas had obtained a PR expert. Imus commented that Ed Bradley on 60 minutes with Bishop Gregory had no idea what the bishop has said in the interview. While Imus was talking, the crawl on the screen was stating: Proposal to keep alleged priest n an active ministry of the priesthood. Then there was reference by Imus to the clip of Bishop Gregory (President of the Bishops’ Conference) that the bishops had to deal with 1. Legal connection 2. Had to do it together. This news clipping said the announcement said the bishops flopped back and forth in the proposed to keep in “active ministry: alleged priest because the victims demanded accountability by this public session. There was a hog-pog of topics thrown in that there going to be that (Friday) morning on “Zero tolerance: of abusive priest. It was stated that these priest were to keep their collar. The report, also, related that all of this “re-victimized” those abused and that the status of the bishops’ work was a cover-up.

                The news on TV as CNN-Breaking News, Fox network- Boston- breaking News at 5:59 pm,  computer-braking news had the information that the bishops in Dallas would not be defrocking priest. It was intense day of media releases. ABC National News had victims say that priest are not to be called “Father” and from this day forward may not work in the Catholic Church. It, also, was reported the vote was 239-13 for adoption of the policy.                Leone Harris of CNN interviewed bishop Skylard who said that in this policy- Charter that any alleged man would “not function as a priest.” Haring said to Skylard: “This was not enough” The Harris had a member of SNAPP give a few comments. It was muck raking journalism. I did have emotional ups-and-downs on hearing these news stories.

                I even had a phone call from a former parishioner that was a former religious sister, directly ask without any hesitation: “Is your case given to the DA Office- by the bishop?” I responded with a “No!”  I was caught-off guard because I was called by Fr. Rocco telling me that my name was going into the Worcester DA, Where I don’t play games when I speak with people in that I give an answer or totally avoid saying anything about an issue such as this. At this point, I, again, realized that I had to maintain a prepared technique for a list of responses to different scenarios that I would encounter. What I should have responded with was that it was a question that might be refereed to the Bishop’s Office. I was even agitated to respond-which I never did- I’ll respond to such a question when you show me your IRS tax report for the previous year.  

June 15, 2002

                Kathleen A. Shaw reports in this morning’s Worcester Telegram & Gazette “Some want church to go much further.” She writes: “ U. S. Catholic bishop yesterday adopted a new national policy for handling cases involving priests who sexually abuse children, but the issue in the Catholic Diocese of Worcester remains far from over. The bishops, meeting in Dallas agreed that priests accused of sexual misconduct will be removed from any ministry that would bring them into contact with young people the policy codes not however call for ousting them form the priesthood.  Bishop Daniel P Reilly, of the Worcester Diocese, asked fellow bishops at the conference at what point priest accused of misconduct are to be removed under the new policy. …The policy could be taking to mean, Bishop Reilly said, that a priest is to be removed at the point a bishop receives an allegation, or after civil authorities conduct an investigation. Bishops who served n he committee that came up with the policy responded that civil laws are to be followed.”185a

                This column goes from David O'Brien, Philip A. Saviano, Daniel Dick- local Voice of the Faithful, and Daniel J. Shea with predictable comments. They must be on this reporter’s speed-dial.

                In the morning of this day CNN Saturday Morning news had a former teacher (layman-not a priest) telling his chilling story how he molested his students. The media-a-go-go was in full force.

                But I realized again the news stirs of the Bishops’ Dallas Meeting to the analogy of a house with a first floor room that had a porch going around it. If one walked on the porch looking in the different windows, one would see another part of the room the room on this first floor would look different. If one continued observing, one would see different things in different locations- so be with the media and the Dallas meeting.

                I even picked-up on MSNBC this morning an interview with Tom Fox of the National Catholic Reporter that is priest sex abuse scandal had 1,200 priests since 1984, but since January of 2002, there were 300. This information was becoming so circular. Possibly, I would think that I was lucky that I went over the Niagara Falls early?

                I did hear from some friends that the sex scandal of the Catholic Church, the American Bishops “cover-up” was like the President Clinton and O.J. thing- it was tiring.

                I had through all of the media in the past few weeks re-ignited the “stinking-thinking” syndrome in me. I’d hear the media, in addition to read the papers, about the bishops and commentators saying that priest were going to be removed or other decisions of priest situations being made from Rome. 

June 16, 2002

                St. Edward’s Parish bulletin carried this: “Dear Parishioners…On Sunday, June 23, we will hold a program ‘Learning about Abuse’ in the Church at 6:30 PM. This will be an opportunity for all of us to address the issue of sexual abuse in our Church and in our society. The program will begin with the guidelines which DSS uses to assess abuse, and the requirements of ‘Mandated Reporter” to notify the proper authorities in the cases of suspected abuse. We will then hold an open forum to express our own feeling about this crucial issue. Our Parish community, our schools, and our community must always be the places where the most vulnerable of our society are cared for and protected. Please john us for this important forum. In the Lord, Fr Kilcoyne.”186

                What I found to be very peculiar was that I heard no feed-back or anything at all about this forum. No one I knew attended this forum. I reiterate that by hearing nothing was most peculiar.

                I was going through my folder of letter in my file and found a “Letter-to-the-Editor: the people’s forum” from Anthony Kazarnowicz (Worcester): “Victims of pedophilia must learn to forgive- Victims of pedophilia must not give up on Christ. He too was betrayed and suffered, though innocent. As God, He alone heals wounds and rewards suffering. Unseen crimes committed against children are seen by God. Those who refuse to repent face eternal punishment. Victims of pedophilia will hear the words of Christ, ‘Father, forgive them.’ This may be difficult for them to do. Forgiveness does not preclude just punishment for crimes and sins. Forgiveness is divine. When we forgive, God is seen in us. Each day has enough problems. Forgiveness frees us from the added burdens of anger, resentment and despair. As heinous a crime as it is, pedophile is not beyond God’s power to forgive. Christ forgave a repentant, hardened criminal hanging next to Him. He solemnly assured him paradise. Finally, there are those who hold sinner and the whole Catholic Church in contempt because of actions of a few. I sincerely thank god they have never committed a single serious sin or even made a serious mistake. However, it is better to think, ‘But for the grace of God, there go I.’ “187

                Anthony Kazarnowicz is a priest of the Diocese of Worcester, who is a frequent contributor by letter to the Worcester Telegram & Gazette.  This type of material he was writing is something that is so foreign in today’s newspapers and media. We are living in a “vigilante atmosphere” that had a stirring of the pot of pure emotionality.

                I did have this probing question of hearing about the victims of priest sex abuse: Why did some come out, only, in 2002. The answer seemed to be; they were afraid. Oh? Then, the question gets begged: Afraid of what? Plus, I had to realize that the Worcester Chancery and others were reading-off the same page of ‘statement.” The elements were all on the same page, coloring the same spots.

                I realized that I would never back down on my false allegations or the fact of not receiving any “due process” in my diocese because of the “matter of conscience.”

                I had to even experience comment from a “Father Peacock” that he was inviting me to the next holiday Sunday Eucharist: “You can it’s in the congregation with the other people. No one will know you.” This was said in a pompous manner from him on his “show time” liturgy (Eucharist). What he was insinuating was: Just watch.

                I did get uncomfortable with myself and my writing of my journal because of my satisfactions and disappointments that were repeating themselves in my daily experience. I was affected by my sensitivity in my personhood and what others presented to me by some comments that were penetrating. One thing through all of the latest happenings was that when I felt depressed; I knew what I had to do- reach into my tool box. The experience of the weekend following the Dallas meeting was a good example. I did not receive a single phone call or visit from anyone- a first. Therefore, I implemented my own “things-to-be-done.”

                I even wondered at this time that when I wrote this journal into a book format that possibly I would put it in fiction- historical novel- due to the fact of being sued. I decided against that after a period of time of selective discussions, reflection, prayer and long walks-three miles plus. 

June 17, 2002

                This morning on the front page of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette “Charter creates turning point: Priests wary of abuse policy-Policy on abuse to be reviewed in 2 years.” It reads: “For the last six months, many Roman Catholic priests have felt like the public face of scandal in their communities even though most had no resole in the sex abuse crisis engulfing the church. Now, they say, they face a new concern: whether the blameless in their ranks will be hurt under the ambitious policy bishops have adopted to keep abusive clergy always from parishioners. Under the “Charter for the Protection of children and Young People,” clergymen who molested children will never again be active in church work, and some will be formally removed from the priesthood. Many priests say they are concerned about the document’s broad definition of abuse, and they question whether the church leaders who approved it have taken enough responsibility for their own roles in creating the moral emergency. ‘’The policy is driven a lot more by public sentiment than the principle of compassion,’ said the Rev. Rovert Silva, head of the National Federation of Priest’s Councils, which claims a membership of about half of he nation’s 46,000 priests….Silva said priest-already anxious about their interactions with children-will be even more apprehensive because of the definition of abuse the bishops approved on Friday. Abuse will now be considered any inappropriate contact with a child regardless of whether it involves force, physical contact or whether any harm is apparent. Silca called the wording ‘very frightening.’ Philadelphia Cardinal Anthony Bevliacqua, who is a canon lawyer, said he, too, was concerned by the language and hoped it would be clarified when the document comes under review in tow years. ‘It’s very difficult to come to a definition,’ he said. ‘It must be something of a serious nature and involve some kind of bodily interaction.’ Sicla also complained that the plan contained severe punishment for priests but no sanctions for bishops who mishandle abuse case.”188 

June 18, 2002

                Here is a classic paralysis of analysis on my part: I read in the parish bulletin of St. Edward’s, Westminster that it will hold a program “Learning about Abuse: in the church proper on Sunday- June 23^rd at 6:30 pm with a DSS speaker.

                I thought the basic question: Why? The parish was going to be celebrating its 50^th Anniversary of being a parish. I had lunch with the pastor in January and had not heard from him since that time. I was wondering if this had anything to be connected with me to establish such a “forum” before the bishop came to celebrate the Mass on the 50^th Anniversary. Was this a preclusion to clean the air if there were any questions about “Father Kardas” which the Chancery never did give any response of me being high jacked in the night? Was it the opportunity to rid the atmosphere of anything tainted since 1993-95? What I was able to find out was that no other parishes in the area were conducting or planning to conduct such a program. Another factor was the media blitz oblate on the sex abuse crisis and possible staging of the parish priest. Was this the iceberg image where you don’t see below the waterline story? The priesthood and church cooperate in a calculated and clouded atmosphere most of the time. 

                When I mentioned this “forum” to my classmate n Boston, he responded: “What’s wrong with that? I felt as though my blood pressure was going up. Other questions were ramped in my head of the doings going on and the gay priest atmosphere.

                A parishioner who works at the parish spoke with me on the phone and had no idea of this program until it was announced. It was described as just a regular presentation of prevalent information and discussion workshop format. Actually, this parishioner thought that this was connected with the religious education program- no parish council or anything existed at this time at St. Edward’s there seemed to be a tm sphere in the diocese of “The Group” (Priest) that using “information arena” to talk and inform parish life.  So, this begged the question: Why hadn’t there been a consistent “forum” approach on other areas and was there going to be other area for information forums? Why did I sense that “The Group” was a select group of priest that had an agenda with the Worcester Chancery and others in the Worcester Diocese? I sensed that some gay priest that were not function underground positioned themselves now in parishes and using an intense (silent) approach that priorities other issues. It’s the old-get the spotlight shinning on something else than themselves. This parishioner, who I was speaking with on the phone, explained to me that when she was a school teacher by DSS- watch for silent kids and those withdrawn. I reminded her that no other parish in the area was doing such a program. She responded that there were arises in Worcester doing this? (Christ the King and a parish in Harvard, Massachusetts- “support their priest) The priest at St. Edward’s and the priest in St. Teresa’s, Harvard were buddies.

 I mentioned if that if the “form” was anything to do with the October 13^th- 50^th anniversary celebration? Then, I was reminded that “90%” of the St. Edward’s was new since my time. Boy! Was this a fluffing technique or was I getting too close to something by my questions? This same person then said that last week (Dallas Meeting) must have be a difficult week for me? What I got hosed by this person because this parishioner was not going to be gone and not able to attend the “forum.” This parishioner did relate that I was crucified by some parents of St. Edward’s because of implementing a new sacramental approach (R.C.I.A.) where it involved everyone- candidate (student), parents and total parish. This town was already developing to be a “gated” community. Therefore, money and influence were the ore dominate factors that affected church life.

                What was most interesting was that after this ‘forum,” there was no phone calls or anything to talk about the subject or presentation in any way.  What I had to realize that people move-on. So, it was, also, a message for me.   

June 19, 2002

                This is interesting for the Worcester Diocese. An article in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette has: “Harvard (Mass.) Catholic group forms chapter to reform church.” Karen Nugent-Worcester Telegram & Gazette Staff writes: “A chapter of the growing Wellesley-based catholic grass-roots group, Voice of the Faithful, has formed at St. Theresa’s Parish. The group, made up of lay people who want to reform the church, was formed four months ago-in responses to the increasing number of Catholic priests in Massachusetts accused of sexual abuse of children. The St. Theresa’s pastor has already sent a letter signed by 215 parishioners to Bishop Daniel P. Reilly of the Diocese of Worcester. Mary Keville, a parish member and Voice of the Faithful coordinator for the Worcester diocese, said the letter urges the bishop to use his influence in formulating national zero-tolerance policy on sexual abuse by priests. The Harvard group has several other projects going, Ms. Keville said, including providing listening and informational sessions for teen-agers and children, creating training and guidelines for protecting children at St. Teresa’s parish and planning educational sessions on the role of the laity in the church. The role and practices of the laity in other denominations will also be studies, she said.”189

                Kenneth J. Moynihan writes in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette: “Bishops should have addressed their accountability in crisis” stated: “You’re a Catholic bishop, and you’ve just heard a believable claim that one of your priests has been sexually abusing children. Among other steps, you immediately take acting to prevent the matter from becoming public, less the church be tainted by scandal. It takes an effort today to realize that less than a year ago such a response was considered wise and sensible by many of the bishops in the United States. If ever a policy produced the very result it was intended to avoid, this was it. Awash in an ocean of scandal, the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops gathered in Dallas last week to try to begin process of ‘healing and reconciliation.’ As the meeting drew to a close, many seemed to recognize that they were just embarking upon a long journey that wood expose them to many perils. The recurrent problem of effective communication raised its head immediately after the bishops had voted 293-13 in favor of ‘Charter for the Protecting of Children’ that would, among many others provisions require that allegations of child sexual abuse be reported to civil authorities and ban ‘confidentiality agreements except for grave and substantial reasons brought forward by the victim/survivor…’ So much for the suddenly obsolete obsession with secrecy But there was confusion among observers over whether or not another decision, to ban sexually abusive clergy from ever agars engaging in any Catholic ministry, constituted ‘zero tolerance’ If ‘zero tolerance’ meant a guilty man could exercise no further ministry under Catholic auspices, that policy had been adopted. However, if it meant automatic, expulsion from the priesthood,  ‘zero tolerance’ had not been adopted, because the bishops left the ultimate ecclesiastical status of each guilty individual to be decided in proceedings involving the priest, the diocese and the Vatican.”

                “Reporters scrambled to get reactions from observers, especially from abuse victims and their advocates, who had not yet had an opportunity to read the final draft of the policy and had not been briefed on its contents. While victims sere expressing anger over the defeat of ‘zero tolerance, Bishop Wilton D. Gregory, president of the bishops’ conference, was declaring, “From this day forward, o one known to have sexually abused a child will work in the Catholic Church in the United States’-which sounded an awful lot like ‘zero tolerance.’ Definitions asperity remains very much to be seen whether in practice many known abusers will continue to be priests. It seems unlikely that the bishops or the Vatican want to preserve the priest status of significant number of men who cannot ever again ‘work in the holy church.’ A different issue is likely to be much more explosive in the not-too-distant future: the accountability of bishops who may have contributed knowingly to the epidemic of sexual abuse-or who deserve to be exonerated from such suspicion.”190

June 21, 2002

                The front page of the Catholic Free Press of this day printed “ ‘No second chances’ for abusers” with “Bishop Reilly calls policy ‘very strong,’” “All agree thee is more work to be done” by Catholic Free Press staff, “No longer a ‘victim’ woman embraces Church,” by Tanya Connor.191

                This same issue has column by Bishop Reilly: “‘In kindness and in truth’- Thoughts from Dallas: “It was a hard meeting for the bishops but a good one. I’m proud of the way we worked and happy about what we were able to accomplish I just a few days. The Charter is a break-through document that has put us on the right road out of the crisis that has so gripped the Church and the nation these past six months. Now all the dioceses in the United States will be following the same strong policy concerning the sexual abuse of children and young people.  There will be vigilance, there will be accountability, and there will be responsibility. We are now committed to healing, to protection, to prevention, and we will deal with this problem in the open with the help of many people from outside the so-called Church bureaucracy.”192

                The full text was included in this June 21^st issue of the Catholic Free Press- “Text of U.S. bishops’ charter on protecting children” for the Catholic News Serice.193

We get this day an article written by Bronislaus B. Kush of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette “Diocese’s portfolio, donations are down: ‘Significant’ shortfall.” It states: The Catholic Diocese of Worcester, struggling to cope with the clergy sexual abuse scandal that has rocked the church throughout the country, may also be facing a financial crisis that threatens many social series programs it oversees. In a June 13 memo obtained by the Telegram & Gazette, Monsignor Edmond T. Tinsley warned diocesan department heads of ‘significant’ revenue shortfalls that would severely affect the Bishop’s Fund and the church’s general budget. The monsignor, the diocese’s director of fiscal affairs, wrote that the shortfall could mean cut-backs or elimination of some services. Monsignor Tinsley could not be reached for comment yesterday, but diocesan spokesman Raymond L. Delisle said revenues generated by the local church’s investment portfolio are to meeting expectation.  Although the scandal may be affecting donations to this year’s Bishop’s Fund, Mr. Delisle said it is not a factor in the diocese’s overall budget.”1994

                Then we get from Fr. Richard P. McBrien “Crisis threatens sacraments, but not faith: Despite blow to priesthood bishops’ actions do not undermine Catholic truth.” He writes: “the sex abuse crisis that has been at the center of our attention these past few months may be the most serious crisis of faith. First, why is the crisis so serious? Because Catholicism is, not in every essence, a sacramental faith and a sacramental community, and the priesthoods essential to its sacramental life. This crisis points a dagger at the heart of the priesthood, raising questions about its integrity, its spiritual health and it viability.”195

                I am back to my fear buckets filling-up and then I empty them out to have they refilled. Another analogy that I may use is the “roller-coaster” ride. I am irritated of the lack of due process for me and a lot on my mind of what is next?

                I hear that the Vatican is likely to give promote recognition to the new sex abuse policy adopted by the U. S. Bishops’ Conference. A canon lawyer, I heard say that the “urgency of approving this in the next few weeks.”

Whenever I heard “Breaking News” on TV, my attention was immediate and wandering what ‘priest news” was gong to be reported. I was wondering what is next. Was I going to the guilty by Worcester “Chancery Gang?” And my connection with Bishop Harrington. There was a very political style of the Catholic Church in this culture where even hearing that Monsignor Tinsley was reporting shortfalls for charities in the Worcester Diocese. Somehow, I innately reacted in that it was just a technique of that “Chancery Gang” that had been operating for some ten years. They were using the economic stupor to keep the spot light of the group that wore the “pointed hats” (Bishops in Worcester).

One professional that I had befriended for some thirty years, told me surprisingly that I should have a couple chapters: Pardon me while the bishop blows smile up your ass,” and “Friends and other snakes in the grass-the journey of a New England priest in the American Catholic Church.” This guy really surprised me with such comments and advises.  

June 22, 2002

                What I am hearing is concern about obstructionism. There is the question of appropriate penalty for such a space in judgment. There is the question if the bishops are agents of the police and do and protect the “good name:  when allegations are made. There is the atmosphere of “off with their heads” policy and attitude of the bishops in the post-Dallas Church. There is an atmosphere where the bishops are saying things that I think are not making sense- read the official documents and news releases. However, n an overview, it keeps on going like the Energizer Bunny.

                I was seeing myself as an innocent causality of the widening sex abuse scandal in the Catholic Church. It was trust in God's time and wanting my name to be cleared. When we malign somebody with an accusation, we do reparable harm. When does one get back one’s good name? As far as I’m concerned, I lost it. What about my rights. I, only, have to stand-up for them. 

June 23, 2002

                I had thought that I should have attended Al-anon because of having to live with the pastor of Holy Family of Nazareth, Leominster for six years. This pastor was a nasty-drunk. Living in such an atmosphere affected my ministry by his drinking and was unpredictable with his behavior- the roller-coaster modal. He had to keep telling me that he was the “pastor.” Well, he was gone from Mondays until Friday night. 

June 24, 2002

                Time magazine writes “What happened in Dallas: The bishops get off the hook.” It says: “Joseph Sullivan read with some apprehension the language on clerical child abuse that his brother bishops passed by a 239-13 vote last Friday in Dallas. It looks as if ‘we’ve just hung the priests out to dry,’ said the Brooklyn auxiliary bishop. Despite some complaint from victims, the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops document is laudably tough on priests who abuse; any molester, pastor future, will be forbidden to wear a collar, celebrate a public Mass or publicly call himself a priest. But the superiors who enabled the behavior got off easy. The document’s defenders point to that only the Pope may fire a bishop, which is a true statement. But by falling to censer any by name, the conference may have lost a chance to convince a bruised Catholic laity of the hierarchy’s ability to reform itself. Said Sullivan grimly: “Our credibility is still on the line.”196

                Well, I was at Wal-Marts and met a former parishioner that was at the June 23^rd meeting in the church. In five minutes I heard about the “forum” which was attended by approximately 25 people. It was described as an older crowd of parishioner’s that had tow new doctors in this group attending.  Some stranger wanted to know who he should write too. The pastor spoke and said the Worcester Chancery never told him about problems at St. Edward’s. (Then never do.) He suggested that people should write the Apostolic Delegate in Washington, DC.  He said to the stranger that he would print the Apostolic Delegate’s address in the bulletin. He made the remark that the Worcester Telegram & Gazette was useless and he needed for himself to get The Boston Globe. The DSS (State) speaker had a chart that showed how the state operates. She did say that in the 70s and 80s sere never reported for because abuse was never talked about. She did ask the group: “How many of you have been arrested on sex abuse?” One parishioner questioned: “Why are people still paying of priests on administrative leave? It was the people’s money.” (She was a former religious novice.).

                In this ten minute update of the “forum” meeting , it was told me that the pastor seems to be a “circus ring master” to direct attention on certain topics This person telling me of the occurrence that the pastor was providing a lot of smoke and mirrors where nobody would notice what the :magician” was up too. The pastor was nicknamed the Martha Steward of Westminster because of his desire for cooking and staging presentations. It was insinuated to me that the pastor was “festering his own nest at anyone’s expense.”

                It was related that there were two women MDs who had questions about Cardinal Law. The pastor stated that Cardinal Law was never in the Archdiocese of Boston. He stated that Law was always gone on committee meeting work. It was suggested by this former parishioner that the pastor did not care for Cardinal Law. Law had nothing to do with the Diocese of Worcester- totally separated diocese.

                I did say this to the former parishioner telling me about the “forum,” but I thought about the reference in the New Testament where Jesus is being challenged by the Pharisees and he knelt down and was writing in the sand. The Phrases slowly walked away.

                But, I sensed that the pastor of St. Edward’s was attempting to impress certain people in the guise of an “information” sharing meeting. Oh! This program was not affiliated with anything of the diocese programs. The pastor was staging.  

June 26, 2002

                I have done some readings on the American Civil War with emphasis of the battle of Gettysburg. The acclaimed historian, Noah Andre Trudeau had presented that the last three decades have seen score of remarkable new studies focusing on elements of this monumental cambering. (Gettysburg). He presents that the most up-to date research  is now more available to a brilliant, sweeping and comprehensive history that shed fresh light on virtual every aspect of the (Gettysburg) battle.

                Well, this would be an excellent insight for explaining the Catholic Church Sex Abuse Crisis. The only problem with such a hope will be years away. Possibly this work would contribute to any future study besides the Bishops’ studies in the 90s. My whole generation will be resting in cemeteries most likely when anything is done to show the other half of the story. 

June 27, 2002

                I got another dose of “Father Peacock.” He was gong strong and arrogant this coffee experience about priest on administrative leave. He remarked that a lot of priests are living out “paranoia.” He was telling me more about himself than others. I had to hear that there was no due process and the priest could sue the bishops.  I had to hear from him that he believes the bishops are acting like agents of the government. Then, he chirped-in that Bishop Reilly visited North Grafton, three times sine Fr. Bagley was alleged and removed. His question was: “Why certain priest being treated by Chancery with favoritism. He, also, said, that Fr. Bagley goes back to the parish a couple times a week and is still around where other priest were told to get out. Then, I had to hear that Fr. Ray Messier’s situation in St. Peter’s, Petersham had David Rope of Ch. #5 as a parishioner sitting in the congregation. The story I had to hear was that the Deacon at St. Peter’s preached that Messier was in a set-up. Fr. Rocco called on Monday morning to the Deacon and was told that the Deacon could not speak the way he did. “Father Peacock” continued to say that it was summer and was worried about when he would get time for any vacation. He was making a big deal out what had to do in the parish- blowing smoke. I, only, looked at him play his game: 1. He was getting old 2, Deacon Candidates from his parish are two (men) 3. Teaching the Deacon class. He then continued by trying to impress me that he was a “Dean” which meant something with Bishop Harrington, but not Reilly where it does not mean anything but the Priest Council (Presbyter) was only a rubber stamp with Reilly. He continued to say that the new Dean for St. Edward’s section said that he was never told anything.  He had to tell me that one time Harrington called him to share some information-one time. He was on the roll in this coffee experience.  I sat there and questioned if certain events ever happened that he was relating how the Worcester DA’s Office called the pastor of Sacred Heart, Gardner. This was where Fr. Bob Kelley was pastor at one time. The DA’s Office wanted to tae some pictures of the rectory’s bedrooms. The present pastor was, supposedly, concerned because of his personal quarters in the present day. Again, supposedly, the chancery told this pastor to let the DA’s Office take those pictures- if this ever happened?

                “Father Peacock” played out “clericalism” to the hilt. I had to hear, in addition, to what I already mentioned that the Knights of Columbus were having an Appreciation Evening for the area priest. He had to tell me that he came back form Canada early for this because he wanted to be with “brother priest.” Why do I wonder about this because he never shortens his “retreats?” I thought how he wanted to hear what was going on and get “priest dirt” of all that was happening. He is like a bouncing ball because he didn’t attend the annual priest “cookout” at the Bishop’s Residence because of an “emergency” of a parishioner- bowing smoke.

                One thing, I realize in this coffee was how “Father Peacock” was telling me stories but they had a confusing nature especially when he spoke in detail and being careful in his presentation. He, actually, started to wine that no one will recognize him in his parish on his 35^th Ordination Anniversary. (No one, really, does on a 35^th.)  

June 28, 2002

                Tanya Connor writes in the Catholic Free Press, this day “Pastoral visit made to hurting parishes.” She states: The director of the diocese’s new Office for Healing and Prevention made her first parish visit Sunday by joining Bishop Reilly in Athol and Petersham. Patricia O’Leary-Engdahl went with Bishop Reilly to St. Peter’s Parish in Petersham and St. Francis of Assisi Parish in Athol. Ms. Engdahl is the liaison from the bishop’s office to parishes and institutions and her job is to communicate information about the diocese’s child sex abuse policies and bring opinion and recommendations back to the bishop. The bishop talked to parishioners and celebrated Mass at the two churches where the pastor, Father Raymond P. Messier, has been place on administrative leave due to a sexual misconduct allegation. Father Messier has said the allegation-that he molested a child in Charlton in 1980-is untrue and has retuned a lawyer. Members of both parishes have expressed support for their pastor and a desire to have him back. Ms. Engdal said she offered to go with Bishop Reilly, since she planned to visit the two parishes anyway. Her husband Charles went too, since he is interested in the church’s work and the work she is doing for the church, she said.”197   

June 29, 2002

                I had a few days away from “Father Peacock” and reflected about my faith and situation of being in isolation- inn the cave from my ordained ministry. I thought how I regard my faith and my membership the worldwide community of Roman Catholicism. It is a gift to be cherished and nurtured. Studying other faiths, I realized the challenge and rise of my faith. Yet, I find it a source of encouragement and a call to take a bigger new of what life on the planet is all about. Jesus challenged the people of his time not to be complacent about being the “chosen” people, challenged them to read the signs of the time. The question for me is, own large and I prepared to allow God to be God. How inclusive is God’s love? If my religious affiliation comes between me and God’s other children. It may very well come between God and me, too.  Risk often goes hand in hand with a challenge. Jesus says to the Samaritan woman in the Gospel of John (Jn. 4:21, 23). I believe that by study, wring, conscious thinking has been my call that is not be diminish  my personal commitment of my faith, but to be rich of living in the uncluttered territory “between” Massachusetts and Jerusalem. My experience has been one of hope, encouragement and of a profound spiritual connection that has to be searched for at different times. I take the call that I accepted in 1970 to expand my awareness that Vatican II call for in a new vision. Here I am. If anything to my journey is that I realize, more than ever, that people prayers have helped me face “great difficulties.”

                If anything, it is time for the laity to step forward and develop their gifts for the Church. But, I am afraid that there will be a period of ‘resurging clericalism.” There is my observation overall of this as the hardening of wax on a candle.  

June 30, 2002

                The Worcester Telegram & Gazette runs “Allegations leave parishes coping with loss of priests,” by Kathleen A. Shaw: She wrote: Five parishes in the Roman catholic Diocese of Worcester have recently lost pastors and another has lost an associate pastor because of allegations of sexual misconduct. While the parishes’ reactions are different, many of the resulting issues with which they find themselves grappling are the same. Patricia O'Leary Engldalh, who heads the new Office of Healing and Prevention, said one thing they all hold in common is wanting reliable information from the diocese on how the allegation are being handled ‘It’s most listening,’ she said.”198 

July 2, 2002

                Well, we get Bishop Reilly back from Dallas and the Worcester Telegram & Gazette has on the frond page “Diocese in R. I. must release data: Bishop Reilly named in 18 lawsuits. Again Kathleen A. Shaw reports “The Rhode Island Superior Court yesterday ordered the Catholic Diocese of Providence to urn over to lawyer’s documents on the handling of allegations of sexual abuse by priests and directed church officials to answer lawyers’ questions. Worcester Bishop Daniel P. Reilly, formerly a diocesan official in Providence, is named in 18 of 39 pending lawsuits, according to Timothy J. Conlon, a lawyer handling 32 of hose cases. Mr. Conlon is chairman of the Plaintiff’s Counsel Committee of lawyer representing clines in all the suits against the Providence diocese. Bishop Reilly formerly was chancellor and held other posts in Providence before becoming bishop Norwich, Conn. He became the fourth bishop of Worcester Diocese in 1993….Bishop Reilly answered questions during a deposition taken while he served as administer of the Providence Diocese during the period when forum Russell McVinney died and Bishop Gelineau took over. He said he received a report from a person regarding misconduct by a priest, but he declined to give further information. Monsignor Thomas J. Sullivan, chancellor of the Worcester Diocese. Said that Bishop Reilly is away on vacation this week and unavailable for comment. “In my conversations with Bishop Reilly, though, it was apparent the he really did not know what was happening regarding abuse,’ he said. Monsignor Sullivan sad the role of chancellor has changed in the last 30 years. Now, as keeper of diocesan records, he is serving as a liaison between the diocese and District Attorney John J. Conte’s office regarding issue of clergy abuse in this diocese. ‘In my role as chancellor 30 years later, I am in the middle of it.’ “199

                Sullivan does show in his statement what he thinks of himself. This guy was a character to watch in his operating from ordination and teaching in the Catholic school system, administration and then into the Chancery.

                The newspaper keeps rolling. Sentinel & Enterprise has on its front page “Diocese sued over Kelley: Plaintiffs- Leaders of church knew priest was a danger.” The story reports: Suspended priest Robert E. Kelley is facing criminal charges, but civil suits filed by alleged victims don’t name him as a defendant. The suit filed by Heather Mackey-the alleged victim in the criminal case-and other alleged sexual abuse victims is the latest legal effort revolving around the former associate pastor of St. Cecilia’s Church. Mackey, of Tewksbury is one of five plaintiffs. The others are Debbie A. Doucette and Nicole M Cormier of Leominster; Denise Hannrah of Idaho. All alleged, they were abused while parishioners at Cecilia’s. The complaint, filed Friday in Middlesex Superior Court by Marblehead lawyer Jeffrey A. Newman alleges 30 counts of negligence and liability by the Roman Catholic Diocese of Worcester, St. Cecilia’s pastor George E. Denomme, and the Rev. Francis Goguen. Newman said Monday that for the women to sue Kelley would essentially be redundant and futile. ‘The criminal law is exacting its strength against him now,’ he said, adding the Kelley has no money. He also said his law firm which he estimated is involved in some 120 cases of clergy abuse, is in this case focusing on the responsibility of the diocese.’”200

                A very interesting insight had Father John Bagley write in his parish bulletin at St. Mary’s, N. Grafton on Mother’s Day “From the Pastor’s Desk”: “Yes! I still have a desk! Our mutual hurt these days is so difficult to measure for each of us. The Church we have loved, in its administration, has become flawed in the eyes of mercy for us.” John Bagley was in the chancery administration of Bishop Harrington as Vice-Chancellor and U. S. Bishops’ visitor director. He was known to have “blessed” many of Bishop Harrington’s doings. This gets better where Bagley knew a lot of church people when he had the position in Rome. Reilly’s style of handling this particular allegation situation would be a case of study. Don’t think other priest was not watching the overall situation of “operations.” What Bagley didn’t say directly: The Fox (church administration) is still guarding the hen house. 

July 3, 2002

                Kelley gets the front page of the Sentinel & Enterprise. The story “Quest for justice: Alleged victim of clergy abuse want to reclaim her life.” The reporter- Fred Hurlbrink, Jr. reports; “This is a much less a story about the burden of proof that it is a story about the burden of shame. Karen A. Pedersen says she has felt ashamed and has carried that burden for 28 years. She’s seen the psychiatrist and taken their medications and thought about ending the suffering altogether. She’s lived under the cloak of sexual abuse as he says was inflicted upon her by Robert E. Kelley. As an 8-year old, she confessed her sins to Kelley, who used his position of power in the church to sexually assault her, alleges a class actions civil lawsuit filed May 13 in Worcester Superior Court. As a 36-year-old, she is confessing Kelley’s purported sins and offering him the burden he left for her. ‘I want to reclaim my life,’ she said…’ It is one thing to be raped or victimized by a friend. This was by God (Kelley).’…Not until she picked up the phone this past Mother’s Day did any light shine on her anguish, and not until then did she feel ready and able to attempt to pas the shame back to the man she says cause her almost three decades of pain. ‘She needs me and I knew she needs me,’ said Mary Jean, who answered Pedersen’s call that day. Jean is the driving force behind the Worcester Voice, an advocate group for local clergy abuse victims, and she said she decided immediately to personally work with Pedersen, who she says is not well but making progress. ‘The emotions have been indescribable,’ Pedersen said. ‘If more people come forward, maybe this time we can keep Kelley behind bars.’….She said she is working on getting her self-esteem back and trying to assure herself that she is not the one to be blamed for what happened. ‘You have to be able to move forward,’ Jean said. ‘You’re relearning to live your life.’…’Father Kelley is my Vietnam,’ she (Pedersen) said.”201

                The Worcester Telegram & Gazette reports this day on the front page “Popular pastor placed on leave: Abuse allegations date to 1970s.” the story reads “The Diocese of Worcester has placed the Rev. Joseph A. Coonan, pastor of St. John parish in Worcester, on administrative leave, based on allegations of sexual abuse of minors dating back to the 1970s before he entered the priesthood. Rev. Coonan vehemently denied the charges and lamented Bishop Daniel Pl Reilly’s decision to place him on leave Diocesan spokesman Raymond L. Delisle said District Attorney John J. Conte offered the diocese few details of the allegations other than that there were more than one of them. Rev. Coonan, through his lawyer, Joseph Early Jr., provided most of the details. He said the allegations stem from his work with heroin addicts at a crisis center that served the Webster, Dudley and Oxford area in 1977, 12 years before his ordination as a priest. Mr. Conte did not return a telephone call to his office yesterday….Rev. Coonan is one of the more popular priests in the diocese, his Masses sometime delayed by his own tardiness. He was active in helping the grieving in the aftermath of the December 3, 1999, Worcester Cold storage and Warehouse co. fire which happened just a few hundred yards from his church, which is on Temple Street. His sermons have included quotes from Irish poets and the sound of rock music at Christmas. Mr. Early released a statement from Rev. Coonan that read impart: ‘There are allegations that have been reported about me that are false and baseless in fact, and I intend to fully defend myself against these false accusations. I intend to defend my name, my character anomy integrity, and I remain committed to helping people.’ He said.”202

There is talk among priest that accusing priest as a class “stunted psychological-sexual development” which is fashionable to calumniate against a “clerical culture.” May this be the direction of this day and age of the legal system and media heyday? We are aware to see in Rome plenty of clericalism; the irritating superiority complex that infects some of the ordained that other priests don’t have their own problems. We, also, hear how homilies from being uninspiring to dread full are part of the today’s picture. A good test of this is what we way against the reality of people’s live. I have seen that a priest in the last few decades had to navigate through the shoals of Ecclesial Rome to be known as being generous, compassionate, and intelligent and a dedicated servant of the Gospel. It never was or is an easy undertaking.

There is an interesting question that people I know ask frequently: What are you doing? It had me develop the standard answer: “I’ve been doing the same daily procedure of religious life (daily Mass, Divine Office-breviary, and rosary), meditation, regular chose, writing, reading and research. Next! When I’m asked that question, I realize that it is usually a “nosey” type of question- wanting me to say more than I should to that individual. I noticed that the individual asking me such a question has advice to give me of what I should or need to do. Next! 

July 4, 2002

                The fireworks continue by a Letter-to-the-Editor of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette. It is printed: “Catholic clergy have nice lifestyle: On the front page (Telegram & Gazette, June 21) the diocese announce that since donations are down due to the sex scandal, special services may have to be cut to meet the problem. Pretty ironic, since just recently al the high clergy were winning and inning in Dallas at the bishop’s conference. First-class air, hotels restaurants and limos, nothing too good for theses people. Maybe the root of the problem is that these parts have never had to work for living. They supposedly take a salary to support them, but drive nice cars, live in nice homes, eat fine food, go to casinos; take vacations and a lot of them have summer homes. Pretty nice lifestyle. Wake us, Catholic America. Robert Siglanin-Webster”203

                This Letter-to-the-Editor had me review an article I read in June by Rosemary Radford Ruether in the National Catholic Reporter entitled “Abuse a consequence of historic wrong turn: Priesthood and celibacy need to be distinct vocations once again.” She wrote: “In a recent TV interview, I was asked if I thought that the recent sexual abuse cases that have come to light in American Catholicism were only the ‘tip of the iceberg.’ Are there many more cases still to be discovered? Yes, but we needed to look much more broadly at the problem and not simply focus on abuse of boys by priest. My own experience over the years, and that of others I know, suggest that there is a large underground of illicit sexuality that goes on under the façade of the official celibate identity of priests. This shadow world of illicitly activity includes non-consensual, semi-consensual and consensual activity, but all of it points to the failure of celibacy as a priority and discipline for the clergy…The Protestant Reformation revolted against what the reformers saw as the hypocrisy and abuses of a system where the priests were official celibate, but mostly not so in practice. But unfortunately they extended their attack to the monastic life. They closed monasteries and mandated a married ministry. Hostility to celibacy for the priesthood was on conflict with hostility to monastic life, while Catholics proceeded to defend celibate clergy by reinforcing monastic patterns of clerical life. I suggest we need to rethink this history as a wrong turn in Western Christianity. A celibate priesthood has never actually worked. Celibacy belongs to a radical ethic of monastic life that is lived in an alternative community. The numbers of people ready and able to make a commitment to this way of life are not and never have been sufficient for those needed for the parish priesthood. Hence, contact abuses. Priesthood is a vocation to the pastoral service of the people of God quite distinct from monastic life and should never have been confused with it. We need a priesthood of men (and women) that can marry. We also need the renewal of a vibrant monastic life of men and women that points us to the radical dimension of Christian life that stands in tension with this world and anticipates the being of God.”204 

July 5, 2006

I mention this to “Father Peacock.” He reacted with a red, angry face that this letter speaks of bishops’ lifestyle. He doesn’t let it have any identity as a priest. He is pointing to someone else which is his style on any clerical issue. Nothing is ever identified about himself as a priest. This is an interesting psychological “bouncing” technique. This letter had he attention. He, immediately, reverted to me about an example I once spoke to him about a former parishioner speaking very abruptly to me. He said that he never had anyone do such a thing to him. Did he forget-which he apparently did-forget that I was with him some time back at a town restaurant and a former parishioner said to him:

They haven’t got you yet (allegations)?”  I knew he was nervous because lawsuits on allegations are including the priest and those that lived with him in rectories. It was a situation where he had such a situation when he was Administrator in one of his assignments. He was worried. Also, he was doing limited youth work at different assignments. This point had to realized in how many times I felt he had me along for lunch or coffee to keep his information pool functioning- gossip line.

                I noticed after this encounter that “Father Peacock” did not call me for some period of time. For that matter, I was not receiving any phone calls. Besides this, visiting an old friend in Leominster made a statement that was pricing which I knew for some time as 1993 but was felt: “Father Kardas, these allegations are something you’ll never get rid of.” I knew this for some time, but it did make its renewed mark-it had an emotional reaction of “stinken thinking.” But, this identity was only for a short time. Things are a lot better knowing I have my own place and not have to deal with the parish atmosphere- meow, meow. 

July 6, 2002

                Newsweek published in their weekly publication: “What would JESUS do? Beyond the Priest Scandal: Christianity at a Crossroads,” by Jon Meacham. This issue had a ten page story. It had on the table- of-contents page: “Christianity’ Next Challenge- After an emergency summit in Rome, the Catholic cardinals finally crack down on predators. Now, beyond the scandal, it’s time for a large debates about sexuality and gender within the faiths. A case for thinking anew about some old questions, by asking, this one: what would Jesus do?”142 This issue was advertised as a “Special issue” and even used “wiggle room” term that some bishops wanted to use. Does one have to speculate the response that this publication had to state?

                I noticed this morning of pain in my back when I awoke. The morning continued on with radio reports, paper articles that I had piling up in my file system. I had even the stinken thinking of worrying if my landlord coming to my door and saying that I must move because of identify who I was and had allegations against me. Then, where I gave “Father Peacock” space in my mind for his mind-control techniques. Then, I, foolishly, allowed myself to try to figure out “Father Peacock” where I would have tried to forget this guy.

                I had the back pain and it became sorer in the lower part of my back. I had sharp pain and a soreness that was extremely uncomfortable that continued into the next morning.

                Then I heard on the A.M morning radio new the story of Fr. Bob Kelley being arrested for rape of a child.               

July 7, 2002

                Kathleen A. Shaw gives us a “score card” on Father Kelley on page B1 (local section). She writes “Diocese facing another lawsuit: Priest allegedly admits sex abuse.” She states: “A third lawsuit against the Diocese Worcester has been filed in Hampden Superior Court by a woman who said she was sexually abused by the Rev. Robert E. Kelley when he was assigned to Notre Dame parish in Southbridge….Ms. Artin, 41, who now lives in the Springfield area, said she was molested by Rev. Kelley at least 12 times between ages 8 and 14….The lawsuits involved Rev. Kelley are now filed in three separate court jurisdictions. A civil suit can be filed in a Superior Court nearest to where at least one of the people bringing the suit lives. Lawsuits involving Rev. Kelley, including two that were settled, involve 10 women who lived in Central Massachusetts at the times they said they were molested by the priest. Five women with connections to St. Cecilia parish in Leominster have filed a civil suit in Middlesex superior Court alleging abuse by Rev. Kelley when he was assigned there. Two other women, one with connections to Notre Dame in Southbridge in Southbridge and another who was a member of St. Boniface parish in Lunenburg, filed a class-action civil shits in Worcester superior Court. Rev. Kelley, who lives in Worcester and works at a flower shop in Cambridge….Rev. Kelley, has not functioned as a priest since 1986, but he was never defrocked.”205 

July 10, 2002

                Here is a metaphor that explains my situation since 1993. D-Day movie with Robert Mitch, John Wayne etc. The scene I recalled was a French fishing village with a German gun on the roof of a building targeting British soldiers. For the soldiers to cross a channel, they had to rush over a small one-person walk-way. The scene had the troops scrambling across the walk-way with bullets flying all over the place after showing one soldier waiting to rush across this cannel. This scene was somewhat the experience that I felt with the sex abuse crisis in the Church. Things were flying all over the place.

                Around this time, I began hearing in the media and personal conversations about parish finances and parish finance committees. I did not hear or asked anything about Parish Councils. The money trail was a point of reference at this time in peoples’ minds.

                With this finance talk was the follow-up of letter writers. My insight was that the Worcester Hierarchy and Chancery were relating “mind your own business” to these letter-writers.  The Worcester Chancery did not want to hear anything. But, as I have mentioned previously that the Worcester Chancery Gang read letters to be used to find out more about an individual priest and what people were involved with that priest being written for advocacy. There was no advocacy for me in any way with the past and present administration in Worcester that acted “cozy.”

                There was now this incident of Rueger and how the Worcester chancery Gang responded for a press conference at the Chancery. Rueger was able to make a prepared statement with the Chancery clergy and women staff standing behind him. This was drama for TV: Celebrating the Liturgy with two candles on each side of the podium and Rueger with a little smirk when completing the “press conference” (No questions were asked). Then, the next day found blameless by the Vatican delegate in Washington: 1. Half-way declared to be the Son of God 2. No flies on George Rueger 3. Proclaimed “innocent” 4. Big headlines “Guiltless” 5. George Rueger was stylized as an icon holding two ingress with a halo above his head and his right hand raised with two fingers pointed heavenly. Then, we got a media blackout.

                So, we get from the Worcester Chancery: One law for Rueger and another for other priest. It was a night-day issue. I only wondered why the February chancery flooding was never resolved by who forgot to turn on the alarm at night where everyone knew that Rueger was always the last one to leave.  The other issue, in conjunction with this was that Rueger announced at a Presbyter Meeting that “no records were damaged or destroyed” in this flood. Why was such a statement coming out of him on this matter?

                Rueger’s story had legs. You could not make this up.

                Even “Father Peacock” mentioned at our following lunch: “You don’t know what will be the following week.” He said these nervously and with his “Cheshire Cat” grin. 

July 12, 2002

                This is going to be very interesting: “Area man sues Bishop Rueger: Diocese denies allegations that boy was molested in ‘60s” by Kathleen A. Shaw on the front page of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette. Next to Rueger’s story and very small personal picture is a short column in gray coloring: “Church censures Paxton (Congregational) pastor.”

But, first, let’s see what Shaw write about Bishop Rueger: “A civil suit filed in Worcester Superior court yesterday alleges that Auxiliary Bishop George E. Rueger of he Catholic Diocese of Worcester sexually molested a teen-age boy at Our Lady of Lourdes parish in the early 1960s. Sime J. Braio, no w 52, filed suit against the diocese and Bishop Rueger, claiming that the molestation started when he was 12 and continued when he was old. ‘It’s all false,” Monsignor Thomas J. Sullivan, diocesan chancellor, said of the allegations contained in the lawsuit. ‘We’ve been working with the district attorney o this.’ District Attorney John H.  Conte said last night his investigators concluded that Mr. Braio’s charges could not be substantiated. According to the suit, Mr. Braio previously contacted the diocese about his allegations and was interrogated by the Massachusetts State Police. (Power and influence) Mr. Braio, a Shrewsbury resident, is represented by lawyers Daniel J. Shea, with offices in Huston, Texas, and Worcester and Abigail Williams, a registered nurse and lawyer with an office at 370 Main St. Mr. Shea said last night that he and his co-counsel investigated the matter before filing the suit. He said Mr. Braio signed a student under oath stating the allegations in the lawsuit were correct. Since February, the Diocese of Worcester has removed six priests after allegations of sexual misconduct were made. Civil lawsuits are pending that alleged abuse by the Rev. Robert E. Kelley and the Rev. Lee F. Bartlett. The new suit maintains that as a result of molestation that occurred at Our Lady of Lourdes, Mr. Braio began what he called ‘acting out’ in the form of running away from home and taking automobiles on ‘joy-rides.’ His behavior landed him in the former Lyman School for Boys in Westboro when he was 14. Mr. Braio alleges that Bishop Rueger received permission form school administrators to take him always for weekend outings. He said there were three to five visits to the bishop’s family home in Scituate. ‘There we increasing levels of sexual contact,’ according to the lawsuit. ‘On that last occasion, he was given alcohol that may have been drugged and was anally sodomized by the Rueger defendant with sufficient force to cause hemorrhaging. .’ Mr. Braio said that he recently was contacted by two Massachusetts State Police officers ‘and subjected to a 12-hour interrogation.’ State police a short while later asked him to sing a release allowing them to obtain information from Dr. Jorgie Balaguer, whom the officers believed had information relevant to his allegations against the auxiliary bishop. Mr. Braio said he signed the release. Before filing suit, Mr. Braio was evaluated in the psychiatric trauma unit at St. Vincent Hospital at Worcester Medical Center and was found to be suffering from severe trauma of those associated with past sexual abuse. The person who made the evaluation concluded of Mr. Braio that ‘as a patient he was accurate historian,’ according to the suit. Mr. Braio said the he believed for many years that sexual acts by clergy members were permissible, a belief reinforced by Auxiliary Bishop Rueger, the suit states. ‘This, he has never been able to connect his lifelong psychiatric problems with the actions of the defendants,’ according to the lawsuit. Monsignor Sullivan said Mr. Braio on Feb 26 called the diocese ‘and attempted to extort the Diocese of Worcester with false claims of sexual misconduct against Bishop Rueger. No money was paid to Mr. Braio on that occasion or any other occasion, he said. Mr. Conte said last night that his investigators spent 2 ½ months investigating Mr. Braio allegation against the auxiliary bishop and could not support the plaintiff’s claims.”206

                The other article, next to Rueger’s story was about Rev. Donald D. Whitcomb, who I knew when I was a member of the Wachusett Ecumenical Council. Kathleen A. Shaw write: “The Rev. Donald D. Whitcomb, pastor of First Congregational Church (Paxton) has been censured by the Massachusetts Conference of the United Church of Christ. We will retain his standing as a minister in the state’s largest Protestant denomination, but must comply with certain corrective requirements, including submitting to a psychological evaluation. He also must remove himself from the congregation for four months. The deacons of the Paxton church asked the Massachusetts conference several months ago to investigate allegations by some members of the church. The allegations involve sexual inappropriateness, being present where marijuana and alcoholic beverages were being used by underage youth of the congregation, barring adults from being present or having parental knowledge of what was done in certain youth ministry programs; and violation confidentiality. The conference has barred Rev. Whitcomb from having solitary contact with people under age 25, and he must attend sexual ethics and professional Boundaries programs by the end of this year. For three years he must meet at lest monthly for ministerial consultation with a professional and at least once every six months with the ethics subcommittee. ‘Events such as these do not occur in isolation,’ a report by the committee said Rev. Whitcomb has served the Paxton congregation for nearly 30 years. The four months away from the congregation is called ‘restorative time.’”207

                The United Church of Christ is not a hierarchical church structure. Therefore, they conduct themselves more in a “Christian” manner where Whitcomb wasn’t treated with ‘guilty till proven innocent.” The “leper” image and isolation were in their manner of review.

This story about Bishop Rueger, which was only two inches from Whitcomb’s story, will be interesting to watch and observe the games of the Worcester Chancery in how they will handle this. 

July 13, 2002

                Bronislaus B. Kush writes in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette “Vatican envoy backs Rueger: Molestation claims unsubstantiated: Diocese investigation find charge lack substance.”

                We get this with only an announcement the day before of a lawsuit against Rueger and he is pronounced “immaculate” the next day by the Vatican envoy in Washington.

                Kush write: “Pop John Paul It’s representative to the United States has agreed with the findings of an investigation conducted by the Catholic Diocese of Worcester that cleared Auxiliary Bishop George E. Rueger of allegations he sexually molested a teen-age boy to Our Lady of Lourdes parish in the early 1960s

 Local diocesan officials said Archbishop Gabriel Montalvo-the papal nuncio to the United States-has maintained an ongoing dialogue with Worcester Bishop Daniel p. Reilly since Sine J. Braio, a 52 year-old Shrewsbury man, reported earlier this year that he had been molested by Bishop Rueger….Unlike six other priests who were removed from public ministry after allegations of sexual misconduct were made against them, diocesan officials said Bishop Rueger continued his duties after Mr. Braio took his complaints to the Chancery. Officials said that the only pope could remove or suspend Bishop Rueger, adding that Vatican officials found o evidence to warrant such action. (Ordinary priest, as me, got “Guilty till proven innocent.”)208 

July 15, 2002

                We get this day an article by Richard Nangle of Telegram & Gazette Staff with “Bishop Reilly denies any role in R.I. priest sex scandals.” It states” In sworn testimony in a pending clergy sexual abuse lawsuit in Rhode Island, Bishop Daniel P. Reilly of the Roman Catholic Diocese of Worcester said he played no role in any reassignment of accused priest and did not recall man of the specific s regarding priests who wee alleged sexual abusers.”209 (Blackout?) 

July 16, 2002

                Well, we get another angle on Rueger’ story with “Bishop Reilly writes letter in support of assistant” in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette. Kathleen A. Shaw writes: “Bishop Daniel P. Reilly issued a letter read at all weekend masses in supportive Auxiliary Bishop George E. Rueger. The letter restates Bishop Rueger’s position that allegations of sexual abuse in a recent lawsuit are not true. Meanwhile Sime J. Braio who filed the suit Thursday in Worcester superior Court, suffered during the weekend. He is sad to be recovering. The letter to parishioners in the Catholic Diocese of Worcester noted that Bishop Rueger me with journalists last Friday in the chancery, ‘surrounded by many of his co-workers who have served closely with him over the years. He emphatically denied that there was any truth to the allegations being made, yet did so calm and with a sense of Christian charity. “His words were inspiriting to all of us gathered thee as he avowed unequivocally his commitment to the priesthood which he loves and respects ore dearly than anything in life, Bishop Reilly said. (Rueger used to say if he wasn’t a priest, he wanted to be an actor.) The bishop said the allegation was ‘thoroughly investigated by civil authorities under the direction of the district attorney’s office and by our own internal investigation team.’ (Similar to the President doing a special infestation.) The bishop said Monsignor Thomas J. Sullivan has represented the Diocesan Pastoral Care Commission ‘in an attempt to determined if there is a possible victim.’ …Mr. Shea said his co-counsel Abigail Williams brought up what she considers inconsistencies in the diocese’s statement about what happened with Mr. Braio. ‘They said no on had said that Mr. Braio was planning extortion and was considered to be a felon. Then in May, Monsignor Sullivan visit to the house and calls it reaching out to a potential victim. They’ve got two defilement stories going on,’ Mr. Shea said. Bishop Reilly said he considered it ‘disturbing’ that any allegation made against a member of the clergy will be ‘guaranteed coverage in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette, regardless of merit.’ “210 

July 17, 2002

                This story on Rueger gets more interesting. Kathleen A. Shaw writes the column on this day “Diocese clarifies extortion claim: Statement issued in Braio case.” It states: “The Catholic Diocese of Worcester clarified that an unnamed local lawyer did not attempt to extort money from the diocese, but that one of the requests for money came through the lawyer. The clarification followed a declaration of support last week by diocesan officials for Auxiliary Bishop George E. Rueger. Bishop Rueger was named in a lawsuit files Thursday by a Shrewsbury man alleging he was sexually abused many year ago by the bishop. Bishop Rueger has denied the allegation, and in backing him in a statement issued Thursday, Monsignor Thomas J. Sullivan accused the plaintiff in the suit, Sime J. Braio, of attempted extortion... ‘The monsignor in no way meant to say the attorney was involved in extortion, but that one of the requests came through legal representation. That attorney has since dropped the case,’ the diocese said in a clarification statement… Monsignor Sullivan, who is the diocesan liaison to Mr. Conte’s office in investigating alleged abuse by clergy, said the alleged extortion attempts were reported to m. Conte’s office. Daniel J. Shea, Mr. Brio’s lawyer, said he spoke yesterday with state police attaché to District Attorney John J. Conte’s office who told him there are no plans to arrest or charges his client with extortion…Diocesan spokesman Raymond L. Delisle also said that Monsignor Sullivan never said that Mr. Braio put the amount of money he wanted at $10,000. Mr. Shea said that it was ‘double talk” for the diocese to say on one hand Mr. Braio was attempting extortion, but that the lawyer was not. Mr. Braio, who apparently went into cardiac arrest after suffering a heart attack and stroke Sunday, was released from U Mass Memorial Medical Center- Memorial Campus. The alleged abuse, according to the lawsuits files in Worcester Superior Court, started when Mr. Braio, who is now 52, was 13. The lawsuit alleges that Monsignor Sullivan went to Mr. Braio’s house in May and offered him $10,000 ‘to buy his silence.’”211

                The games go on: Who’s on first and what is on second. 

July 19, 2002

                The Catholic Free Press gives us this Friday “Bishop says dissent from Church teaching is cause of sex abuse.” It is a Catholic News Service story: IN an appearance on the Eternal Word Television Network, Bishop Fabian W. Brushewitz of Lincoln, Neb., said the plan for addressing clergy sexual abuse approved by the bishops in June was a hasty reaction to media pressure that will address the core problem-dissent from church teaching on sexual morality…U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops June 14 was too quickly crafted out of ‘a media-driven desire to make it appear as if some very effective and strong action was being taken.’ As a result, some shortcuts were taken, he said, including failing to address the lack of moral teaching he believes is at the core of the problem; giving too like direction for who will be on diocesan lay review boards; and creating a risk of ‘double jeopardy’ for priests who now face removal for offenses of long ago that were already addressed. Bishop Bruskewicz said dissent form the church's teaching on sexual morakit is an underlying problem of sexual abuse by priests. Such dissent stretches back to the 1960s-era opposition by some prominent theologians to the papal encyclical ‘Humanae Vitae,’ he said. Issued by Pope Paul VI, the encyclical reaffirmed church teaching against artificial contraception. ‘One dissent from one aspect of sexual morality that the church authentically teaches, and declares that the church is in error-let us say about artificial birth prevention,’ he said, ‘Then it’s a very small leap of imagination to say the church is very likely wrong in other areas of sexual morality.’  “212

                However the front page of this week’s issue of the Catholic Free Press has headlines “Diocese rallies for Bishop Rueger.” The feature article gives us: “Parishioners have showered Bishop Rueger with overwhelming support after he declared himself innocent of a claim that he sexually abused a young parishioner 40 years ago. Bishop Reilly, in an open letter to parishioners released last weekend, note that Bishop Rueger in a press conference Friday, ‘vehemently denied that there was any truth to the allegation being made, he did so calmly and with a sense of Christian charity.’ “Another article on the same front page “Another D. A. says investigation did not substantiate charges.” 213

                Bishop Rueger has been proclaimed “immaculate.” How come no other priest in the diocese had an opportunity to have such a procedure available for themselves is allegated, besides being told that you- Kardas- are “guilty till proven innocent.” Oh! Nothing was every made available for me to defend myself. I was only told to” go and we will contact you.” Bishop Rueger made that statement to me.   

July 20, 2002

                This day, the Worcester Telegram & Gazette gives us “Voice launches site for victims of abuse: Group seek to counter diocese reports” by Kathleen A. Shaw. We read: “A Web site for victims of alleged priest abuse in Central Massachusetts where live this week under the direction of a victim’s advocacy group called Worcester Voice. Mary Jean of Leominster who direct the site at www.worcestervoice.com said the site gives news and information about the issue of priest abuse in the Worcester Diocese; lists priests who have been removed by the diocese amid allegations of sexual misconduct and allows interested people to follow the court actions and civil lawsuits involving the Robert E. Kelley…”I am a good Catholic and I want to see some meaningful change.’ (Mary Jean of Leominster)” 214 

July 24, 2002

                “Worcester lawsuit claims priests ran sex ring” by Kathleen A. Shaw of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette issue of this day reports: “A child sexual abuse ring, involving the Rev. John Geoghan of Boston archdiocese, the Rev. David L. Blizzard and the late Rev. Victor Grobas of the Worcester diocese and others, operated from the former House of Affirmation in Whitinsville, according to a lawsuit filed Monday in Worcester Superior Court. The suit also names the Worcester diocese, the Boston archdiocese and it’s Auxiliary Bishop Thomas Daily, who was also chancellor in Boston at the time of the alleged incidents. The allegations were made by Robert Malo, formerly of Northboro, who received settlements in the mid-1990s from the Worcester and Wheeling/Charleston, W.Va., diocese regarding alleged abuse by Rev. Frobas who has since died, and the Rev. Thomas A. Kane. These incidents in the latest suit are said to have occurred from 1978 to 1980. Rev. Blizzard, a native of Whitinsville, was assigned to Our Lady Immaculate parish in Athol at the time. Rev. Frobas was at St. Rose of Lima in Northboro. Rev. Geoghan was in the Boston archdiocese and Rev. Kane was executive directory of the House of Affirmation.”215

                The lawyers are feasting as they say sharks do. In addition, there was the experience of Father Jack Kiley at the Institute of Living, Hartford question: “Is there a sex ring in Worcester?” I mentioned this in my previous writing my response: “I don’t know. I don’t hang around with priests.” But, most likely if you connect the dots on this “sex ring” issue was circulating in New England.

                I, also, realize that any time I read anything about Attorney Conte’s comments in the media on priest allegated with sex abuse that is upsetting as a punch in the stomach. It is gut wrenching. Then I have re recycled these feelings with good thinking. What he is reporting is not my story. However, the official church used “kids and minors” in their statements Back around I goes. Even the atmosphere of our society shows where an ad for the DA in Suffolk County election has an issue list with teen crime as no one to be addressed if elected. The second is eliminating the statue of limitations on sex abuse. Again, it is not my story, but I get the pit feeling in my stomach when I heard it.

                It had me wondering at this time: Did I have to react to the porcupine syndrome- It is risky. They can’t show all. But, their speedy tail whit around and release their quill on contact. Tip- They’re slow, so try outrunning them. If all else fails, porcupines can be easily bribed. They love peanuts and pretzels.

                But, this was not me. I have to be strong, generous of spirit; understanding and let people know how grateful I am for all that others have done for me and me for them. 

July 26, 2002

                The Catholic Free Press reports “Father Rochford will support priest on leave” by William T. Clew. He reports: “Father Dennis J. Rochford has been named the bishop’s liaison to priests on leaves of absence. (Administrative Leaves) Father Rocheford, pastor of St. Theresa parish in Blackstone, said he will be a source of support to the priest lace on leave since February. He said he will express the bishop’s concerns about them and bring back to the bishop any individual problems they may have. The position listed in the diocesan Policy n the sexual abuse of minors published May 30, provided for a victims service coordinate and coordination for assistance to the accused. Father Rocheford said the bishop changed the title of the second position to bishop’s liaison to priests on leave of absence…The diocese policy says that the bishop or his delegate ‘will reach out to the accused meeting with them to ascertain ways in which the diocese would be able to assist them.”216

                Now we have Father Picclomini (Vicar for clergy) and Father Rocheford (Bishop’s Liaison) as part of the inner Chancery Gang with Rueger still having a desk. Somebody, send up an emergency flair. Immediately.

                With this position of Rocheford, I felt that here it comes- Ted, you’re history. But, I tried to make it in a positive light where I would have someone to talk with about being in my “cave.” The worst-case scenario was that he was the bishop’s hatchet-man in the new Dallas policy. My fear buckets did fill during the day. There was this in my mind: What next? Keep living as a leper- Fr. Chet Devlin’s description of how he was treated since his allegation. I waited to hear from Rocheford. Nothing happened.

                One priest said to me that the Worcester Chancery knew more in this crisis situation. But, he said that the two standard issues are unjust. The seemed, according to this priest, to “play on top of the fence.”

                I reacted that it is a very hard pill to swallow feeling betrayed. Institutional conservations were paramount with double standards operating on this crisis. They came across as a group of self-righteous, sanctimonious, egotistical if self-centered critics. But, do everything to protect the bishop and the hierarchy in this age of renewal.

                Father Donald Cozzens has spoke of late that it is the laity’s hour to steer the Catholic Church to a renewed Church He said that bishops once were an unchallenged authority but unraveling as they sacrifice priest to protect a dying clerical system.

                Yet, I get a flier in the mail on a book Breaking Trust: A Priest looks at the Scandal of sexual Abuse (Twenty-third Publications). The ad reads: “This powerful book comes from the heart of a priest who loves the Church. Father Bausch is open and unbiased, respecting the positioned the Church and the feelings of catholic people.”

                What we have is a church system and relates very closely to the culture us live-in that fosters secrecy, privilege, arrogance and emotional immaturity. I realize these are strong statements on my part, but it is the Church that I love.

                Would these characters or anyone in that Chancery or church authority ever admit to these insights after watching Rueger’s case: 1 The Worcester Chancery had to “dodge” a number of issues to implement a case as Rueger’s 2. Rueger’s case gets preferential treatment by the issue of “power and influence” as having the state police going at his “victim” by an interrogation. 3. No one had the gift of the state police questioning their supposed “victims.”  4. Rueger was never having to leave his desk (station) and told to “wait for a call” while being placed on “Administrative Leave.” How about this type of “due process” for me?  4. Rueger never had to hear “guilty till proven innocent” and interrogated under the light in the “hot house kitchen.”  5. Rueger’s case was decided to be unsubstantiated, yet no other priest in the diocese had their case “proclaimed” as such. 6. Time line of Rueger’s case is most interesting: Feb. “call to Worcester Chancery of abuse”; June- Dallas meeting with Reilly at Bishops’ Conference; July- Reilly’s lawsuits become public from R.I.; Rueger’s case becomes public; Next day, Rueger is proclaimed “immaculate” by the Apostolic Delegate in Washington- Rueger’s case just by chance was after the Dallas meeting?  7. Significant difference of treatment of a bishop from that of allegated priest 8.  Reilly’s comment in newspaper about media treatment of Rueger’s story- It is a story that should be studied in more detail with more questions being addressed. 9. Why didn’t Monsignor Sullivan or someone in equal position for the priest be an advocate- my particulars have been since 1993 and “waiting” in a “cave.” 10. Power and influence vs. power and the powerless. 11. Rules are as good as the last one that made them?

                I found a “letter-to-the-editor” of the peoples’ forum in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette of June 26, 2002 that adds to a view that I had been stressing since 1993 about “guilty till proven innocent.” The letter was entitled “Integrity of alleged victims is questionable. The letter read: “With each passing day, we find out from the media that another Catholic priest has been revealed as a pedophile who has sexually abused (generally) young boys sometimes during his priesthood in various parishes in Massachusetts and other parts of the country. There seems to be ample documentation that some priests have engaged in such shameful act. By sexually abusing these young boys, these priests have also abuse their authority and destroyed the trust that third young charges and the church had in them. However, it seems that many of the allegations against several of these priests are about sexual abuse incidents that happened 20, 30 or 40 years ago, and no actual documentation exists concerning them. It seems that the first person the priest, parish or diocese hears from is an attorney representing the victim or his family. This leads me to question the integrity of some of these victims and the attorney representing them. This further begs larger moral questions like: Is financial gain at all cost the single most important endeavor in America? And has money finally replaced God in our society? This was written by George H. Camle (Worcester) 217

                Here is one of the major aspect of what had is continues to be the reality story of the Church crisis.

                How was I able to do anything because my bishop told me that I was “guilty till proven innocent?” The key was already thrown away. As I have been saying the bishops and the system was more of the issue of having the power over the powerless-priest- being eliminated?               

August 1, 2002

                Interesting to read in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette “people’s forum” (Letters-to-the-Editor) four printed letters. It is subtitled: “Readrs offer support to Bishop Rueger.” One of the letters states: The T & G thrives on tearing people down, especially the Catholic Church. It seems to me that Catholic bashing is the ‘thing to do, it makes news.’ ‘218

                By this time, one gets to realize that the church hierarchy and media have been going at it for some time on the priest sex abuse issue. So, reading the letters- printed by the newspaper- are doing their own technique in a positive and negative manner.

                I, for one, was asked by “supporters” that they wanted to have a huge letter campaign to the Bishop and newspapers. I suggested that it was a waste of money in stamps, paper, and time because knowing how the Worcester Chancery operated and the likewise the Worcester Telegram & Gazette. Yes, it would have been something if I produced all the letters of support that I personally received. One must not forget that any priest was “guilty till proven innocent” in the eyes of church bureaucracy and local newspapers.

                The issue that I had been thinking lately was being on “Administrative Leave” and Pedone is vocal that there is no such category in Canon Law for priest. The technique language is “Leave of Absence” Well; it has given me more time to especially view the Church with subcultures and hierarchy.

                Another issue made me react was how the pastor of St. Edward’s reacted in the pulpit on the news of Bishop Rueger’s “Good Friday” in praising Rueger and that he has worked with him for years. The pastor acted “flippant.” I did see another example of the “wax hardening on the candle” approach. Things were adding-up why I didn’t hear from him since February to talk over lunch and the issue of St. Edward’s 50^th Anniversary. This guy even told me at that “Last Supper” that we needed to have such a “monthly event for this great event (lunch).”

                I then listened to “Father Peacock” say to me: "Can you imagine what George (Rueger) felt like when he experienced his allegation?" I reacted with "Father! You’re talking to me, the wrong guy about Rueger,” This guy and Rueger were of the same birds of a feather. I should have responded;” Give me a break.” He then related that he received a not back form Rueger saying that he (Rueger) hopes that the truth will come out in time. How about the truth in my situation? Rueger and Chancery Gang made real sure that I did not or would not get the truth into the public or any where else for that matter. When I heard “Father Peacock” defending Bishop Rueger in that he knows and feels what others went through with their allegations. I related how in my journal of 1993 showing Rueger as a robot and constant energy machine with that “smile.” I thought it was more of a smirk. But, “Father Peacock” realized that Rueger would be her for a few years after Bishop Reilly retired. “Father Peacock” had only on e last stab for becoming Monsignor. It was something deep-seated in this guy- the image.

                I also had to list from “Father Peacock” a remark that I was surprised stated to me. He said: “I thought you might have been at Provincetown for the Gay/Lesbian couple baptisms of there adopted children. I responded by continuing looking forward in the passenger seat and saying nothing. This is where I had to implement my “poker face.” I realized that he is just waiting for a reaction. This was the type of mixed games that I experience with a number of fellow priests. In the breath, he becomes flippant about another one of his nationality brothers how at the area Deanery meeting this priest made the remark: You don’t know if priest who said Mass will be there at the parish the next weekend. This was in reference to the “allegation syndrome” of priest.

August 2, 2002

                John L. Allen, Jr. of the National Catholic Reporter writes “Canada renews resistance to psychology: Jesuit defends assessment in spiritual direction.” He states: “The rector of Rome’s prestigious Gregorian University, a Jesuit identified perhaps more than any other figure in the Catholic Church with the use of psychology in spiritual formation, has strongly defended the practice in a July interview with NCR. The comments come during the countdown to a Vatican investigation of American seminaries and religious houses of formation, in which the use and abuse of psychological evaluation is expected to be a major bone of contention. ‘If we take secular psychology blindly, it’s inadequate,’ said Jesuit Fr. Franco Imoda. ‘But if we believe (psychology) has nothing to say to us because we already have everything in our hands, we would be seriously mistaken.” Imoda, who holds a Ph.D. in psychology from the University of Chicago and is the do founder of the Gregorian’s 32-year old institute for Psychology, is among the consulates for an upcoming document from the Congregation for Catholic Education on psychological testing. Second only to the question of an alleged ‘homosexual subculture,’ psychology is today a beet-noir for critics of American seminaries. Catholicism has actually long harbored reservations about the discipline, whose founding figure tended to see religion either as an illusion or a neurosis. Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen once blasted Sigmund Freud as purveyor of ‘materialism hedonism infantilism and eroticism,’ while G. K. Chesterton mocked psychoanalysis as ‘confession without absolution.’ Imoda said these critics had a point, but protested too much ‘Obviously we cannot make Fred a Father of the Church for training priests. But the hypothesis that sometimes religion can be a defense against psychological troubles…it’s a good hypotheses,’ he said This tradition resistance crumbled after the Second Vatican Council (1962-65) when psychotically tolls such as Rorschach tests and the Minnesota Multiphase Personality Inventory became standard fare in admission processes for diocesan seminaries and religious communities…. “When St. Thomas said yes to Aristotle, it wasn’t an unconditional yes,’ Imoda said. ‘He probably respected Aristotle more than anyone else, but he also transformed him. Our insight was, why not do this with some of the sciences? I think Fred said something interesting, Rogers said something interesting, also the behaviorists. We have to exercise great prudence, yes, but we must not exclude them,’ Imoda said. ‘Any elusion, I think is not Christian.’’219

                What became interesting in read this article by John Allen was that in the late 70s, I had to fight to get some psychology course and a MA in Psychology and Counseling? We had a clergy policy of updating ourselves. I wanted to go to Assumption College in Worcester for such courses. I was told that I needed ‘special” permission from the Chancery which was not in the cards for me. So, I tried another approach: I would attend classes on my days-off and forfeit vacations. (Time factor). Then, Bishop Flanagan did allow me to do so by paying for my courses. Bishop Flanagan was a priest-priest. Another interesting factor at that time was where priest were getting counseling degrees and using them as an exit from the priesthood. I only wanted to better myself for the ministry. I was able to study in what Imoda said in the previous article of learning that different schools of psychology “said something interesting.” It was hell living in the rectory with a Monsignor that I felt was watching me with more intensity because of what other priest were doing with their degrees.

                This day the Worcester Chancery sent out on their parish fax a “News-Office of communications- For Immediate release: Statement by Bishop Daniel P. Reilly- On the allegation against Fr. Joseph Coonan; Clarification to today’s Telegram story this is intended for your (clergy) own use.  Answers to parishioners would still be best in your own words, but I (Ray Delise) owed you the clarification, base on the obvious and intentional errors in the story…As in the past, this reporter (Nangle) does not report without bias. Then a third page: Press release of Father Joseph Coonan.220

                This story gets more interesting in watching how the Chancery is reacting to this Coonan case. One has to realize that Coonan had some city politicians and crowds speaking-out. Besides Rueger, the Worcester Chancery Office hadn’t even given any other priest the opportunity for a “press release” statement. But, by this time since the early 1990’, all sides developed a very interesting style. The story, however, was the same-except Rueger. The priest allegated became history.  

August 3, 2002

                The Worcester Telegram & Gazette gives us this day: “Coonan support called misguided-Reilly asked to exercise leadership” Kathleen A. Shaw writes: “David Clohessy, national director of Survivors Network of Those Abused by Priest, said yesterday that Bishop Daniel P. Reilly of the Diocese of Worcester must exercise leadership and put a stop to the movement that supports the Rev. Joseph A. Coonan. Raymond L. Delisle, diocesan spokesman, said the bishop cannot order the people to do anything. He said the people at St. Johns parish need time to adjust to what has happened, and Bishop Reilly is working behind the scenes with the group. The bishop has met with the leadership of the Coonan support movement and is trying to move them in a positive direction, Mr. Delisle said. He acknowledged that people at St. John Church have had a traumatic time and need time to adjust to what has happened.”221

                What I he experience with that I was removed and sent to Hartford and nothing was addressed by the Diocese on my part. Not that it would have made a difference, even then, with the Worcester Chancery Gang.

                I found on the internet through National Catholic Reporter the following interview that was conducted on June 17, 2002, for “Crossroads Magazine,” a weekly television show produced by the Office of Radio and Television of the archdiocese of Harford. It was “Interview of Dr. Leslie Lothstein by Kathleen DiGiulio. Dr. Leslie Lothstein was Director of Psychology at the Institute of Living, part of Hartford Hospital’s Mental Health Network. He had been at the Institute of Living for 16 years. The one question of this extensive interview was “What have you treated priests for? Dr. Lothstein: “Not everybody comes he because of a sexual issue, they come here for psychiatric treatment because of serious medical-psychiatric problems that they’re having. Many of he priests that we treat have severe psychiatric disorder (bipolar illness, mayor depression, anxiety disorder) and medical disorder including obesity, diabetes, and hypertension. These problems accompany the stress related to their very complicated job. The job of a priest is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and the demands made on them by the laity are enormous-after with no privacy, no private life, and no life basically of hard work and hard hours... Another question was: “The number of priest you’ve treated suggests that psychological problems beset priest more than other clergy.” Dr. Lothstein: “I don’t know if that’s true….” 222 this interview was more extensive with 12 pages of questions and answers. This is very interesting reading. 

August 4, 2002

                I was reflecting today how in January when I was called into the Worcester Chancery and meeting my former religious education high school principle and presently was employed by the Worcester Dicoese. He commented to me “This place (chancery) is like you always called it-Disneyland. It still is like that today.” When I think of his comment, it puts a smile on my face because of my different perceptions of people and places.                                        

August 5, 2002

                How many people, actually, read “the people’s forum” (Letters-to-the-Editor) in a newspaper? So the Worcester Telegram & Gazette prints in this day’s “The people’s forum- Front-page story on Bishop Rueger offends many readers.” We get six letters printed. One of these letters from a Geraldine P. Sawyer (Holden) wrote: “I don’t know how the T & G keeps reporters Kathleen A. Shaw and Richard Nangle employed when they can’t seem to find anything in the city to report on. They just keep dredging up the dead and old news in every article they write about the Catholic Church.”223

                We get another priest story on TV this day. CNN has Connie Chung interviewing a Father John Bambrick, a priest of the Archdiocese of New York being introduced by Chung as “Priest with a Mission.” He said that he was abused at the age of 15 as an altar boy by a priest in the archdiocese. In 1991 while on his ordination retreat, he said he experienced a terrible crisis of conscience. He wanted to be a priest since the age of 5. He said that he now investigates other priest’s abuse stories by reading Sherlock Holmes novels. The priest he accused, he said, is using Canon Law #1717- reputations damaged. But he was being represented by an Italian priest form Brooklyn that is also defending Bishop Daley in lawsuits. Father Bambic says that Canon Law is top defense in Bishop. He said that he was going public because it was a personal thing he had to do. He ended the interview by referring to St. Paul to the Ephesians words of “Love.” This was another one of those stories and issues that one hears nothing about, again. It drops-off the radar screen. 

August 8, 2002

                Front page with pictures of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette story “Coonan get more support: Local polls vow to put pressure on the diocese.” It reads: “Two local political leaders John R. Sherry and Brian O’Connell have spearheaded the effort by St. John Church parishioners to reinstate Rev. Joseph A. Coonan, who was placed on administrative leave last week by Bishop Daniel P. Reilly because of allegations of sexual misconduct. Meanwhile, Todd Hammond of Oxford, one of Rev. Coonan’s alleged victims, spoke out yesterday, saying that while he was a student at Oxford high School in the 1970s, Rev. Coonan, then a teacher there, grabbed the youth’s genital during a ride through Worcester in search of prostitutes. Mr. Hammond, a landscaper, said he and four others were interviewed by state policy investigating Rev. Coonan several months ago. Mr. Hammond said he and the other alleged victims are not after money, but simply want Rev. Coonan to acknowledge being a sexual abuser.”224 

August 9, 2002

                The Catholic Free Press had a number of articles on Coonan and related topic with even a printed” letters to the editor.” The front page carried a picture of a sing outside St. John’s Church notes sentiments: “”Fr. Coonan, Your Parish Supports You! You’re Good Stuff!!!” One article was “Parish turn out in support” and the other “Father Coonan placed on leave after allegations (lager letter than the firs article). Also on the front page was the article: “Committee reviews case before leave of absence imposed on priest: When a bishop places a priest on administrative leave following sex abuse allegations, he is not declaring that priest guilty according to Msgr. F. Stephen Pedone, Diocesan canon lawyer. (I was proclaimed ‘guilty till proven innocent’ by my bishop.) Administrative leave, Msgr. Pedone said. Allows the accused priest to deal with the effects of the allegations while ensuring his parish does not suffer. ‘A person’s ability to ministry can be negatively impacted (by sexual abuse allegations),’ he said Oftentimes the public considers a person guilty just based on an allegation, he added. While on leave, priests cannot engage in any public ministry; this includes preaching and celebrating Masses and sacraments. The can, however, celebrate Masses and sacraments privately, Msgr. Pedone said.”225

                The article of “Parish turns out in support.” It stated: “Loyal supporters of Father Joseph A. Coonan gathered at St. John Parish again Wednesday to form a plan to get their pastor back. ‘It was very productive,’ said Jonathan Slavinskas, 18. ‘There are a lot of good ideas out there.’ Father Coonan, pastor of St. John’s, was removed due to allegations of sexual misconduct with minors in the 1970s before entering the seminary, according to a statement by Bishop Reilly released Friday. The Diocese’s Office of Healing and Prevention had representatives at St. John’s weekend Masses to give information and answer parishioners/ questions, according to Patricia O’Leary-Engdahl, director of the office. She said the office also organized Monday’s healing service. No one from the office attended Wednesday’s meeting.”226 This issue of the Catholic Free Press printed three “Letters to the Editor.” The titles of these letters were: “Support and prayers for Bishop Rueger, Innocent until proven guilty, and Admires work of anther Coonan.” The “Innocent until proven guilty” letter from Donald W. Leathers (Fitchburg) stated: “In America, ever citizen is presumed innocent of any crime until proven guilty I a court of law. This applies to Catholic priests or other Church personnel against whom sexual abuse allegations are being directed. I believe a bishop should back every such person in his diocese to the hilt unless the person voluntarily confesses or is proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt in a court of law. This is only justice. If proven guilty, then mercy steps in and that should be helped to lead a decent life within the Church after he or she pays the price of any misdeed…”227

                On e thing that has to be realized with the Catholic Free Press is that while it is published on Friday and has a limited circulation, it is the “Bishop’s newspaper.” The regular secular newspapers that appear with daily publication have the issue for Catholic Church- the levee is broken – and one week later the church responds. It is something the Worcester Diocese had to do with an Office of Communication with a layman being the spokesperson. Some diocese has another approach with a TV station in their diocese with a monthly or otherwise newspaper publication.

                This same day the Worcester Telegram & Gazette printed the story “2 more speak out on Coonan: Men allege sexual misconduct in ‘70s.” It read: “To more Oxford natives have come forward with details of alleged sexual misconduct by the rev. Joseph A. Coonan of St. Church in Worcester. The said they have given statements to state police that in the 1970s the former camp counselor and high school teacher was delving into sexual perversion under the guise of being a convert government operative. They say Rev. Coonan urged them to urinate or defecate in his presence. Bishop Daniel P. Reilly last week place Rev. Coonan on administrative leave after being notified by the district attorney’s office of reports that the priest sexually abused more than one minor. Rev. Coonan, through his lawyer, attempted to clarify the matter, saying the allegations stemmed from his work with heroin addicts in the 1970s. In resend days, three of his alleged victims have come forward, however, saying they knew Rev. Coonan not through drug counseling but as a psychology teacher or a camp counselor who took his anti-drug message to an extreme.”228

                The other article in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette this day was “Church deaf to Voice of the Faithful” by Mary McGory why was a syndicated columnist. She wrote” “On his recent visit to Toronto, Pope John Paul II delivered tow message, one verbal and one visual. In his remarks at the World Youth Day mass, the supreme pontiff lamented the ‘sadness and shame’ of the pedophilia scandal rocking the church. As before-in a Palm Sunday letter to the Roman clergy and an address to a Vatican meeting of U.S. bishops-he spoke glancing of victims and urged sympathy for blameless priests who have been besmirched in the crisis. His other message was conveyed in the presence of Boston Cardinal Bernard Law, who is at the eye of the hurricane, and whole handling of pedophile priests in his diocese has led to fury among the faithful and to calls for his resignation and even for his indictment. But readers of The Boston Globe, the paper that uncovered the scandal, were shocked to see a picture of the prelate dancing and singing with young pilgrims from Massachusetts…The presidency of Voice of the Faithful, a fast-growing lay group founded in Boston, as June Post, a professor of management at Boston University. He was ‘disappointed’ by the pope’s Toronto statement He had hoped for some suggesting that the laity be included in a solution. Instead he heard ‘Go sit in the pews and be quiet.’ Voice of the Faithful now has 22,000 members nationwide. Its formation was discouraged by Cardinal Law who has licked horns with the organization on the all-important matter of money. Since January, when the revelations began contributions to the church have face-off-people objected to having donations used for hush money. Voice offered direct contributions to needy agencies. His Eminence refused, insisting that all funds go through him. The matter is deadlocked.”229  

August 10, 2002

                Perhaps I should ask how much credibility is those people that claim abuse entitle too. Perhaps a drug test and lie detector test be given to the accusers might be in order plus a counter suit for slander might be in order. For 36 years, I saw individuals and groups of individuals lie constantly. The do this with a great deal of skill because they had so much practice in their lives. This causes me to believe nothing that you hear and half of what you see. How this play-out will be interesting in handling this overall situation.

                The Rueger case, the Coonan case are able to be used as tragedy for political, theological another agendas. So, you have to realize that lawyers are able to take a piece of crap and polish it up in gold to look good. It is similar to knowing that in Poland, thee is an expression: Everything is good here, but only on paper. This is what I received from my civil and canon lawyers- everything is going to be alright. It was alright for everyone but me.

                Yet, I realized that reading the Catholic Free Press was saying much more about the Worcester Chancery with the reported statement being repeated “since February” or “the six priests on Leave of Absence since February.” Here, I believe, was coded messages in those allegated previously are history. Well, my “Leave of Absence” had me involved to be ore creative and life-giving in my time. I realized that change was needed in an ongoing process of life of priestly ministry. It is a ministry based on service rather than on power. It is based on values of the gospel rather than on the value of the world. This is where I stand.

                I never will stop in getting my reputation back. Therefore I had to keep trying: What door do I look behind to get back my reputation? I realized that with the Worcester Chancery Gang being lead by Rueger as I told him these allegations are being ‘painted by the numbers” to get my  picture from somewhere else.

                I even sensed being with “Father Peacock” that he was as the Sacred Scripture relates where Peter was by the fire after the death of Jesus and the woman says to him: We’re you not with that man in Jerusalem? This is how I felt being with “Father Peacock” reacting being with me. He did keep me in the shadow of his ministry and acquaintance. Peter was alive in this priest. I worked with him in the Deanery (area parishes), but then with the Porter Case in 1993 was the opening of the follow gates on this issue as emphasized the sexy scandal of priest in this country and the world. Boston became most prominent in this story. “Father Peacock” had me on the side. The situation on my part was that I had no other contact with any priest in the Worcester Diocese. It was a no-win situation overall for me.

                Another insight I had at this time was being more point blank: The American Bishops (Bishops’ Office) were operating a Church system that was feudal as the area of priest assignments. It was a game. It was said to be by seniority. In actuality, it was personalities that crushed most talents. This group of bishops of the 80s and 90s suffocated Vatican II and any creativity in the last 30 years. There was the preserving of authority and the route was a subculture where the candle was out and the wax became hard.   

August 14, 2002

                This day the Worcester Telegram & Gazette prints an article y Kenneth Moynihan entitled “Church scandal filled with anger, fairness and charity.” He writes: “What did the bishops think was going to happen if they knowingly allowed men who were sexual abusers to work in the parish settings? That was the part I found most difficult to comprehend when the controversy involving sexual abuse by Catholic priests was getting under way early this year. Presumably they waned to protect the church, yet they took what seemed to be enormous risk that scandal would breakout. Some people at that time pointed me toward what they called “clericalism,” which roughly means a culture of self-importance among Catholic priests that leads them to place an extremely high priority on protecting one another and the priestly caste. Together readers settled on the idea that priests turn to one another as substitutes for the family life they have voluntarily given up I order to pursue their ministry. People place a high priority on helping and protecting family member, so bishops place a high priority on protecting their fellow priests. However you might explain it, the tendency of bishops to focus on the welfare of priests at the cost of compassion and justice toward the victims of priests has been identified as a grievous mistakes and condemned by all parties, including the bishops. However, e are all discovering that it is easier to agree on what should  not be done with guilty priest than it is to agree on what should be done with them, and both of those are different from the question of how to deal with priests who have been accused but not convinced of sexual  abuse. Early in the public evolution this drama, we witnesses a remarkable surge of public support for the victims of abuse and their advocates. By the time the bishops of the nation met in June in Dallas, they were ready to listen to the agonizing stories of the victims and ready to adopt most of their policy of ‘zero tolerance toward guilty priest  ...The question of charity toward the guilty has been even less popular than the question of fairness toward the accused.””230

                We never did hear any more about this. There even seems to be on the part of local bishops in the Worcester area that use isolation- no contact or outreach in any manner whatsoever besides have to meet with my doctor quarterly and two AA meetings per week.  After my forced resignation as pastor in 1997 until 2002, there was nothing that happened on my part- total isolation.

                I was speaking with a priest classmate how we- parish priest- were constantly watched by everyone. How could anyone do anything? It was the atmosphere of the 60s thru 2000. Curiosity did not kill the cat. What is more curious are the different groups of the diocese functioning? We both dreaded that we had all of our student and priestly life tried to figure-out our Church and we still have no idea of how it operates.  

August 16, 2002

                “Virginia bishop under fire for reinstating accused priest” by Patrick O’Neill in the National Catholic Reporter said: Bishop Walter Sullivan, who recently called for the criminal prosecution of priest who sexually abused minors, is now being strongly criticized for reinstating a diocesan priest accused of sexual misconduct in the 1970s when the priest was on the faculty of a high school seminary. Sullivan, bishop of the Richmond, Va., diocese, in June reinstated Fr. John E. Leonard as pastor of St. Michael Catholic Church in Glen Allen. Leonard had been on leave while diocesan officials investigated allegations that the priest had told two St. John Vianney Seminary high school students to pull down their pants in front of a mirror. When they did, Leonard made comments about their genitalia. Leonard has denied the allegation in comments to reporter. However, the investigating team believed the allegations, and Sullivan has accepted the team’s report. At press time, Leonard was not available for comment However, four lay member of a 10-person panel (Worcester had 16 members) Sullivan appointed to review allegations of sexual abuse-some of whom were members of the investigating team- resigned in protest over the fact that Sullivan did not consult with the panel prior to making a decision to reinstate Leonard.”231

                This same issue of the National Catholic Reporter had the article “Web site sheds light on media fascination with abuse crisis.” It stated: “At 6 a.m. with the sun still rising, Bill Mitchell, a chipped yellow Detroit Free Press coffee mug in right hand, is already at his home computer scanning the Internet for the latest clergy abuse stories to appear in morning papers across the nation. It’s only been eight hour since he last searched, shortly before going to bed. Finding hem, he dutifully copies their headlines, adds the name of publication, the first few sentences, and links each to a Web site he run called “Clergy Abuse Tracker.” It is hosted by the Pooynter Institute, a school for journalists in St. Petersburg, Fla., where Mitchell is only editor/marketing director. Mitchell, a former Detroit Free Press, Time magazine and San Jose Mercury News editor compiles and post 20 or more stories daily…’In some ways it’s a depressing experience to begin every day looking at this kind of coverage,’ he said in a telephone interview. ‘But on the other hand, it serves everyone involved to shed as much light on what’s happening as possible...Print publications, he points out, necessarily filter information as editors decide what get into the paper. Mitchell’s tracker, on the other hand, gathers information to let readers decide what to read. Mitchell sees newspapers of the future increasingly integrating print with electronic formats.”232

                This day the Catholic Free Press “Letter to the Editors” published “Sees leave as punishment” written by  a Jim Fosberry. It was the only letter which stated: “As a Catholic, I am most distressed by recent events in the Worcester Diocese. The past month has seen the correct defense of Bishop Rueger and unjust removal of Rev. Coonan from active ministry, in my opinion. The crisis now facing the Church is one that was precipitated by years of misguided attempts to handle internally punishment of the clergy for criminal behavior. The Church is now attempting to reverse this injustice with still more misguided action. The thought that the bishops would establish a double standard that allows accused priests to be place on administrative leave, the bishops be presumed innocent, suggests that the Church leaders hold themselves in a higher regard that the rest of the clergy. According to the Telegram and Gazette, the district attorney offered no detail regarding the accusations against Rev. Coonan, the diocesan officials acted swiftly to place him on leave with no pronouncement of his right to the supposition of innocence…”233 

August 17, 2002

                The Worcester Telegram & Gazette gives us on page A2 “Father, son alleges priest sex abuse: Conte, parent differs over report.” It stated “ The Rev. John J. Szantyr, who had been assigned to Our Lady of Czestochowa parish, left the parish 15 years ago after Worcester police were notified he might have molested a boy in the parish. Richard Chesnis of Worcester, father of alleged victim Michael Chesnis, sad he, his former wife and the boy went to the police station and met with officers of the sexual assault unit. ‘He fled while we were in the station. I don’t’ know who told him,’ Mr. Chesnis  said …The statue of limitations may not have expired if it is determined that the priest left the state…Mr. Chesnis said the subject of the alleged abuse arouse when he and his son were driving to Auburn Mall one day. The son asked his father whether it was ‘OK’ for two males to have genital contact. ‘It came right out of the blue,’ Mr. Chesnis said. ‘I asked him why he would ask the question and he replied. ‘I did it with Father John.’ Daniel Shea, a lawyer in Houston and Worcester, is representing Michael Chesnis and the father. He said he recently wrote a letter to Mr. Conte inquiring about the status of the investigation...”234

                Nothing was ever heard or written about this particular situation. It becomes very interesting how there is this and then nothing on either the Worcester Diocese or media. 

August 19, 2002

                The Catholic Tribunal published “Half of US Catholic clergy sees a gay presence in priesthood: Attempting to bring hard data to a persistent rumor in the Catholic Church, Chicago researchers said on Friday that more than half the country’s priests say they perceive a gay subculture in the their diocese or religious institute, with 19% saying it clearly exist. The survey, conducted last year, found that 55% of priests say such subculture ‘clearly’ or ‘probably’ exists in their diocese or religious institute. 41% of priests said a homosexual subculture clearly or probably exited in the seminaries they attended. The younger the priest, the more likely he was to identify a clear gay subculture in the seminary. 45% of priests age w5 to 35 said a subculture clearly existed in seminary compared with 8% of priests over age 56, and 3% of those over 66. ‘Our concussion, based on these data and on our focus groups, is that homosexual subcultures increased in visibility, and probably also in numbers, in recent decades; said Jacqueline Wenger, a doctoral student and research assistant who coauthored the study with catholic University of America colleague Dean Hoge.”235 

August 17, 2002

                One of my friends with whom I had coffee with this day discussed an old story and discussion. He asked: Have you thought about suing the Worcester Telegram & Gazette over publicizing the accusations before this was proven based on the veterinarian case at Cape Cod in which has merit. I had to answer in the negative because one factor and only one factor- no money in my pocket. This was never brought to light by any one else that was allegated or otherwise.

                I traveled with “Father Peacock” this day. He used his sly approach with a penetrating question: “Did the Vicar for priest on Leave of Absence call you?” I should have answered him that if he or anyone else wants an update on me to check up web page. This question was more of an arctic nature than sharing any information.  

August 19, 2002

                This day is significant in that I drew a line on “Father Peacock” in how he spoke to me. The reason was that there was a media story of gay subculture in the priesthood. No kidding! The story related the interesting interlacing and report of listening to priest through all that was going on in the media and Catholic Church.  I realized how different and slick certain priests are and especially among their own being in little “safe zone” in the parish and diocese. Therefore, when I mentioned the media story that morning about the gay culture subculture in the priesthood.

So, he gives me a wise crack: “You molested tow girls.” He hits you with a fist approach. I, finally, said: “Do not ever say that to me or about me ever again! Get it!” I pointed my finger towards his face. Nothing was said. There was silence for a short period of time and he developed another discussion. I realized that I did not need this.

                I felt that I should have made a public statement in 1995 when the allegations were published with the lawsuit in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette. I would have stated: “I emphatically deny these allegations. I’m devastated that anything as such would even be directed at me. I pray that all of this will be resolved and I will be cleared and vindicated.” 

August 20, 2002

                The Sentinel & Enterprise reports on its front page: “St. Bernard’s principle gone: Official tight-lipped about St. B’s recital.” It’s article said: : “Fitchburg-Church and school officials are tight-lipped about the apparent removal of Principal Daniel Costello form St. Bernard’s Central Catholic  High school, just two week before classes begin. On Friday, Worcester Diocese School superintendent Charles McManus declined to confirm or deny Costello’s removal, saying things were ‘still unsettled,’ but said he would issue a statement Monday. ‘I have consulted the School Department’s attorney,’ McManus said on Monday. ‘And what I have to say is that on the advice of legal counsel, it is not permissible for me to discuss personal matter with a third party.’ “I’m not sure why they would have removed him,’ said Barry Vallancourt, whose son, Justin, and graduated form the school in May. ‘I've never herd a bad word said about him…I’m not all that surprised they removed him (Costello),’ Vaillancourt said. ‘I’m not surprised by anything that happens at St. Bernard’s.’ “236

                The Worcester Telegram & Gazette on page B6 reported’ “Monsignor faces sex charge.” It’s story by staff reporter Jennifer Cucarelli- not the regular team of sex abuse reporters- stated: : “Spencer- Without uttering a word, Monsignor Joseph Chu Cong of St. Joseph’s Abbey pleaded not guilty yesterday morning to a charge of sexual assault at the Western Worcester District Court in East Brookfield. Monsignor Cong, 84, of 167 North Spencer Road, Spencer, was issues a summons to appear in court yesterday on one charge of indecent assault and battery of a person 14 or older stemming from an alleged incident that took place n August 23, 2001 in Spencer…Judge Abdella ordered that Monsignor Cong have no contact with the female and that he be confined to the monastery in Spencer. No bail was issued and he was released on $1,000 personal recognizance with the promise that he would paper n court on Sept. 11.”

                What becomes interesting is that the Trappist Religious Monks do not carry the title “Monsignor.” There is the Abbot, priest and brothers. Where did this priest come from? This story fell off the radar screen after this article. 

August 21, 2002

                We even get for The Boston Globe “Australian archbishop implicated index case.” It is an Associated Press release: “Sydney- the Roman Catholic Church in Australia was shaken yesterday by allegations that its senior cleric, Sydney’s archbishop, abused a 12-year old boy while training as a priest 41 years ago. Archbishop George Pell was accused of molesting the boy in Melbourne in 1961, the church said in a statement. The Vatican said it had no immediate comment on the case. Pell denied the allegations and announced he was stepping down from his post until an inquiry is completed. (Pell became a Cardinal) 238

                I was listening to the radio with David Burundi of WBZ-AM. He had a show at 8 p.m. that he announced as “ground zero” is Boston with the Catholic Archdiocese. He uses “abuse of puberty” term He proposes avoids pedophilia. Burundi is an announced gay. The trend of pedophilia is by gays. So, he is trying to change the agenda and style of reporting and conversation. He did stress in his program the issue of visibility where people want “accountability.” I realized that I had to watch this one because I knew that “Father Peacock” listens to WBZ. . This lights-up “Father Peacock” with additional wise cracks: “You molested tow girls. this time he did it by a telephone conversation. I just hung-up the phone. I never called him back. But, after a week, he called me and carried on a conversation as though this incident did not happen.  

August 23, 2002

                The Worcester Telegram & Gazette published three letters in “the people’s forum- Parishioners urge Rev. Coonan’s return.” These published letter were from Worcester people.239 

August 27, 2002

                Dianne Williamson writes in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette “Scandal requires scrutiny: Myriad judgments are actually healthy.” She related: “A friend informed me over the weekend that she no longer wishes to read about the sex abuse scandal plaguing the Catholic Church. ‘Why does the media keep writing about it’ she asked ‘Everyone know by now about the problem. Why do w have to read about it every time another priest is accused? It’s not mews anymore.’ It was hard to argue with my friend, because clergy-scandal fatigue has clearly set in, even within the media. The stories have become sickeningly familiar, with new names and details attached to the same old accusations of abuse. But while my friend’s fatigue is understandable, so, too, should be the need for continued attention to a community in crisis. At what point do we draw the line say, “Enough.” While interest wanes, new events continue to unfold and new allegations are made. To ignore them because people have grown weary would be a disservice to alleged victims and the obstacles they’ve overcome to make themselves heard.”240 

August 29, 2002

                The Worcester Telegram & Gazette reports “Sides drawn over Coonan: supporters, foes plan dueling walks.” It reported: “With dueling candlelight walks n the horizon and a redesigned web site up and running, the debate about Rev. Joseph A. Coonan’s removal form St. John’ Church over allegation of sexual abuse is becoming more intense. In an apparent response to planned Sept. 5  nighttime candlelight vigil organized by Rev. Coonan’s supporters, his alleged victims are countering with their own walk on the same day and at the same time- 7 p.m.….The allegations have revealed a lot of Internet coverage. A number of web sites are in operation to give varying viewpoints n this scandal., Routes of rival walks for Rev. Joseph Coonan, (Map shown by solid line and other group by a broken line )241 

September 1, 2002

                A very long and extensive article appeared this day in on the front page of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette entitled “What the bishop know, and when?: Bishop Reilly’s role unclear in priest scandal.” Two reporters (Shaw and Nangle) wrote: With seven priests placed on administrative leave in 2002 (Post Dallas) and a host of others (Pre- Dallas) removed in years past, it is clear that the scourge of priestly sexual abuse has hit the Catholic Diocese of Worcester as hard as any diocese in the country. What is less clear is where Bishop Daniel P. Reilly fits in the list of high-ranking church officials who have reassigned rather than removed, accused priests. Bishop Reilly has denied ever knowingly transferring a priest amid allegations of sexual abuse, but he graces a number of allegations that suggest otherwise. He clearly knew of allegations against at least one priest he reassigned in Central Massachusetts. And there is evidence to suggest he knew of other allegations, going back merely three decades before his 1994 assignment to head the Worcester Diocese…Bishop Reilly  has not faced anywhere near that kind of pressure (Cardinal Law). And that could be partly because most of the evidence of his knowledge of accusations of sexual abuse against his priests hearkens back to his days in the hierarchy of the Providence Diocese in the 1960s and 1970s and his time as bishop in Norwich, Conn. From 1975 to 1994. Nevertheless early on in his tenure in Worcester, Bishop Reilly singed off  n a $300,000 lawsuit settlement with a Spencer man who accused the Rev. Peter Inzerillo and one other priest of sexual abuse. Rev. Inzerillo was on administrative leave at the time of the settlement, having been removed from his duties by Bishop Reilly’s predecessor, Bishop Timothy Harrington. In 2000, however, Bishop Reilly reassigned Rev. Inzerillo to St. Le Church and St. Le Elementary school in Leominster. But earlier this year, after the priest abuse scandal re-ignited in Boston and some parishioners and parents of schoolchildren complained, Bishop Reilly relented and place Rev. Inzerillo back on administrative leave.”242

                These two reporters then wrote such an extensive article by tracking Bishop Reilly from the Diocese of Providence as Chancellor, then Bishop of Norwich, Conn., after which his time in the Worcester Diocese. They reported certain allegated priest from each location and then listed each parish in the Worcester Diocese that had a priest assigned at one time that was allegated.

                I, actually, do not recall reading such an extensive article for some time in this publication.

                I was reflecting this day my “hot house kitchen” interrogations. I chuckled somewhat in that place; I told them what they did not to hear. I was not dishonest and yet I had to keep hearing from my bishop: “You’re guilty till proven innocent.” I wondered if they used the same technique on Bagley, Devlin and the others. I bet not.

                It seems that each priest in the Diocese of Worcester is getting a separate “treatment package” by the Gang in the Chancery Building. 

September 4, 2002

                I received in the mail an invitation to St Edward’s Fiftieth Anniversary Celebration.  I noticed how it read: From the Pastor and People of St. Edward’s Parish for October 13, 2002.  Kilcoyne was in my face with the term of a “Faith Community” when we had our first Chinese Dinner when he told me that St. Edward’s was not a “Faith Community” any more, but a “Parish.” There is a distinction in which one is used, a very significant difference in how the “People of God” (Vatican II term) are perceived.

                What I was somewhat surprised to read on Catholic Communications on the internet was a part about Cardinal Law of Boston was the point man on “straightening out U.S. A.”  This was believed to have law represent Rome in the church sex abuse scandal to re-establish a pre-Vatican II Church in the States.

                I noticed myself these last few days of snapping on certain situations. I was acting in a “jumpy” manner to situations. It was basically hearing about “zero tolerance” and one is out of the priesthood.

                But I had to hear Fr. Peter Inzarillo on WEIM-AM radio at 6:00 a.m. being interviewed about his Montachusett Choir performance at Leominster City Hall Auditorium.  Fr. Inzarillo was one that would spin any situation. What was peculiar this time was that this “Choir” was not singing at a Catholic location this time.

                I was listening to the Don Imus Show in the morning. One his statements he made when asked about his behavior in eighties by responding: “I was drunk.” Well, when I was drinking, I recalled enough to know that I never abused anyone, especially the two girls that called the Worcester Chancery that filed lawsuits against me.

                I, also, noticed that by me keeping a daily journal, I was finding a way in writing down thoughts and events that expressed many insights and patterns in me and those that I was dealing with. It was a very useful outlet and helped me be objective in my dealings. I was coping with personal weaknesses and did feel depressed. Whenever the depression issue did come, I reviewed what I was doing for that particular day and intensified some exercise or changed the format of my day. I was down about not having a summer vacation as such. So, I did short day trip or activities to see myself going to different locations in my surroundings and New England States.  

September 5, 2002

                I had lunch with “Father Peacock” and another pries this day. This other priest was on Administrative Leave and was telling stories that had me filling my “fear buckets.” At first, he was talking about another priest on administrative leave who had been asked to leave the parish because of “Notoriety.”  He spoke how Bishop Reilly had “promised” everything but did nothing for him. He mentioned that he is always “in Reilly’s face” by attending all diocesan celebrations and priest funerals. He mentioned that we priest on administrative leave need to get a “class action suit” going against these supposed victims. My immediate thought was” “Fine, where are we going to get the money.” He even pushed the issue that we priest need to do an additional “class action suit” against the bishop. He heard that the latest group of priest that had been alleged was going back to their parishes in a “couple of months” But, he remarked that whenever he heard this story he said: “Forget it, guys.” He had another interesting observation that Bishop Rueger, since his allegations, was acting with a harder firmer direction in decisions. Then, we heard from this priest that the “Political Bishop Reilly” gave the diplomatic bounce to the group (priest) that singed the letter with 35 signatures.” He related that his attitude with Bishop Reilly is negative because he had to deal with Fr. Picclomini, who always say “no” to him and Rueger said “yes’ about saying Mass. When, I heard this, what came to mind was Abbot and Costello- “Whose on first, and what’s on second.” Sequence. Lastly, I had to hear at this lunch that the priest received a call form Bishop Rueger, telling him that his case was being resolved with a $50,000 final settlement. I guess that money was being sued to settle allegations and the priest was becoming history- no due process of any nature for the priest.  

September 6, 2002

                I read this day “In midst of scandal, nuanced book to come” which was a review in the National Catholic Reporter about the book Breaking Trust: a Priest Look at the Scandal of Sexual Abuse by William J. Bausch. This review by Fr. Michael Papesh said: “Breaking Trust is a book written last holy Week, before the sexual misconduct scandal had run its course. It has 12 chapter plus two appendices and a postscript. The last three chapters were added when further development and the U.S. bishops’ Dallas meetings made the additions necessary. Fr. William Bausch is a church historian and prolific author. There first tow chapter capably summarize the early history of the scandal. The next two chapters reflect on the consequences of the scandal for the church and offer some mitigating considerations. They are complete, but little more than extended list. Chapter Five clarifies the difference between pedophilia and pedephebophila ably enough but then things get muddy. Pedophilia is called a disease, but not treated as such in the remainder of the book. Adolescent abuse is judged to have “less impact” than child abuse. An adolescent victim perhaps would not agree with that notion. Though Bausch writes that he is making precise what is included n the term “sexual abuse,” in fact the term covers sexual misconduct broadly throughout the book…The book also reads as Bausch was struggling with his own mixed feelings of betrayal by brother priests and compassion for them. We are usually better at writing about something when we are not in the middle of it, but have already passed through. The book would improve al-around from more time and reflection…” 243

                Another article this day reported “2 bishops taken off abuse panel: McCormick, Quinn removed; panel expanded” by Rachel Zoll of AP. It said: “The nation’s Roman Catholic bishops said yesterday they have restructured their committee that drafts policies on how dioceses should discipline priests who molest children. Two panel member who were criticized heavily by victims’ advocates- Bishop John B. McCormick of Manchester, N.H. and Auxiliary Bishop A. James Quinn of Cleveland- have been removed, and the eight-member panel has been expanded to 15. The expansion of the Ad Hoc Committee on sexual Abuse was included in the reform plan the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops adopted in June, hoping to ease the clerical sex abuse crisis fracturing the church.”244

                This same newspaper had a picture on the front page entitled: “Voices of protest- sign held by protestor read ‘Face the factors Coonan is a child molester.’ It had printed on the button of the picture: “Worcester-Protestors against sexual abuse by clergy stand outside St. John Church last night, as supporters of the Rev. Joseph A. Coonan, who has been removed as pastor meet inside the church.”245

                This, again, was only one day of the local city newspaper. Yet, it keeps on rolling.

                When I had my mediation time this day I tried to reflect in a positive manner: “With the second Vatican Council, I was caught-up with hope. The council and the halls of the Vatican were filled with intellectual debate, inspirational promises of change. I dreamed of a bright future on May 23, 1970- my ordination.  I hoped for the spiritual freedom to “own” my faith and ministry and being able to be part of any decisions that would be made in my ministry and Church. The faith (Christian community) must take responsibility for Jesus in the world... I, then, was assigned to St. George’s, Worcester with Msgr. Francis Manning, Fr. George Rueger. I had to inherit the pastor’s secretary who was the “the first family” with her daughter, and a live-in housekeeper at the top of the stairs of Rueger’s and my rooms. There was this “dinner bell” that Manning used to adore ringing for the dinner plates to be removed by the housekeeper. This was a feudal system that was so foreign to me. I heard from other priest in my ordination class that we were living in “our parents home.” I thought more in the realm of a “kingship” mode. This wasn’t a Vatican II Church that I studied in the seminary.  Oh! This “dinner bell,” I confess that I stole it from the rectory when I was given another assignment. I still have it-on my trophy shelf of memorabilia- it was retired.  

September 7, 2002

                Local News of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette this day reports: “Priests ask for due process: Letter will go to Vatican after making the rounds.” It is written by Kathleen A. Shaw who writes: “Worcester-Some priests of the Worcester diocese are circulating among themselves a letter that will go to the Vatican opposing the American bishops’ new national sexual abuse policy and asking that accused priests be given due process under canon law. They contend the new policy actually puts more children at risk of pedophile-priests who are ousted from the priesthood. One priest who spike under condition that his name not be used said priests feel ‘like we have no one to go to right now.’ It is a difficult time fro priests of this diocese and accusations of sexually misconduct continue to pile up. His view is, ‘The hierarchy just doesn’t get it.’ He said he has been told the letter is a getting good response from priests but did not know how many of the area clergy had actually singed it. He said he believes that a number of copies are circulating in separate areas of the diocese and all priests are being given a chance to sign. The copy he signed had other priests’ signatures already on it, he said. And he was told several other copies were moving around the diocese. He indicated that he ‘supports the letter 100 percent.’ The letter was shared with Bishop Daniel P. Reilly, the priest said. Raymond L. Delisle, diocesan spokesman, was working on television ministry and was not immediately available for comment yesterday. Bishop Reilly supported the new national policy and has implemented it here. He has removed several priests since February after allegations of sexual misconduct were made.”246 

September 8, 2002

                I returned the card to the pastor at St. Edward’s for St. Edward’s 50^th Anniversary celebration with a message of gratitude that I was not able to attend. It was water over the dam for me to try to be at such an activity with al that had been occurring with the Church and Diocese of Worcester- Rueger was going to be the celebrant. I was able to include in the message “St. Edward’s Faith Community” because the pastor was the guy that was literally in my face telling me that the place “was a parish and not a Faith Community anymore.” It was moment of glory for me which overall was a nothing.

                Another thing I was reflecting on was how much I dislike the words “closer” or “moving-on.”  I realized that there was an “occasion” of healing and that I had to live with March 9, 1993- called into the Chancery about allegations-and this was September 8, 2002. I realized but was able to see how explicitly I was ministering in a gay culture of the priesthood. I had to realize that I was at times in a “stinken thinking” mode and wondering about denial- the longest river in Egypt. It was more than this. There was the matter of justice. But, then I had to think about the Worcester D.A. and my situation in addition of what was Rome going to be doing with a case, such as mine. I realized that the Worcester Chancery already shelved me- I was just gone. It was painful. I was told time again that healing would only begin when I decided to move-on. This enhanced the pain. The media outlets were so much more in constantly giving out reports. I thought that sooner o later, it had “to get it over.” I ever heard this with Don Imus Show on the morning radio with Imus saying: “Don’t need to drag on but get over these emotions.” But this was an answer from an Imus that wasn’t dealing with a “vocation.” My vocation as a priest was a religion. It was my life and my existence.

                But, I had to realize that my 9/11 was 3/9/93. It seemed as though it was only yesterday. There was the ripple effect that I realized I had to continue and would have to continue swimming along in life.  

September 12, 2002

                In my dream the past night, which I very seldom recall, had Bishop Rueger saying: “Ted, there will others coming-out against you.” I responded:” Bishop Rueger, there are five more people coming out against you!”

                I was even thinking during the day-I need a vacation- that I should have sent a letter to each of the two girls (accusers) and say that they have a moral and legal obligation to say that the allegations were baseless. This did not say they did anything wrong. This then would have shown the dragnet going through the water technique of the Worcester Chancery and Church in general. Boy, I really needed a vacation. 

September 13, 2002

                The Catholic Free Press this day followed the Worcester Telegram & Gazette story of September 7^th written by Tanya Connor: “A letter singed by 77 Worcester diocesan priests was sent to the Vatican Monday according to Father John F. Madden, one of the signers and pastor of Our Lady of Jasna Gora Parish in Clinton. The letter ask the Vatican to remedy ‘injustice’ in the ‘Charter for the Protection of Children and Young People,’ the sexual abuse policy the United states conference of Catholic Bishops approved at the June meeting in Dallas. Father Madden indicated that they chose to write a letter to the Vatican because they felt that the charter is now in the Vatican’s hands and that the bishops themselves are waiting to see who the Vatican will say about it. ‘It’s not done as an attack on the bishops as a group or on any individual bishop; it is done as loyal opposition, Father Madden said of the letter. He said the priests are full aware of the difficult position the bishops were in.”247

                Then I read in the National Catholic Reporter about Cozzens book Sacred Silence. This is a review by Fr. Canice Connors. The article’s headlines “Cozzens breaks unholy silence” with “Cozzens has a fine, friendly way of defining the context and content for long delayed conversations among Catholics. Sacred Silence renews this advocacy as did his popular The Changing Face of the Priesthood.  This time around, he begins with a sturdy three-legged stool for slitting down and settling in…In sharp contrast materials on the abuse scandal are so shrill and strident that any function as conversation starters is stunted. With good reason, Cozzens warns us that minimizing the devilish evil of abuse has been an abhorrent habit of some church officials. Yet might it not also inhabit compassionate conversation to indulge in maximizing? In Chapter Eight, Cozzens presents a more balanced discussion on gay men in the priesthood than that previously offered. A new study by Dean Hoge that is on the way to print (appearing in November) will offer data useful to a discussion of ‘gay subculture’ in the seminaries and the extent to which they destabilize the environment for heterosexual candidates. James Alison’s sensitive Faith beyond Resentment: Fragments Catholic and Gay might also contribute to a broader approach to this well documented arena of denial…Why use inflated estimates and anecdotal surmises to reach up the drama of the discourse and possibly intensify the frenzy?”248

                In this same issue I read “Scandal drags on in cases around country: Settlements, public penance counter suits among latest news” by the National Catholic Reporter Staff and wire services. It states: “The issue of sex abuse and Catholic priests remained in the news in recent weeks as settlements, public penance and counter suits by priests charging defamation were reported around the country and the scandal dragged n throughout dioceses and religious orders.”249 It rolls on and on.

September 14, 2002

                The Worcester Telegram & Gazette morning edition gives us “Trial to start in sex abuse lawsuit.” Gary V. Murray, staff reporter for the Telegram and Gazette wrote: “A 1996 lawsuit filed by a Webster man who alleged he was sexually abused as a teenager by a Roman Catholic priest is scheduled for trial next eek in Worcester Superior Court. Jury selection is scheduled to begin Tuesday in a civil lawsuit brought by David Lewcon of Webster against the Rev. Thomas Teczar.”250

                “Father Peacock” told me how he was in the Chancery for bookkeeping records. He walked by Rueger’s Office and the door was open. So, he rapped on the door and Rueger never stopped taking about he situation “Father Peacock” said he only asked: How’s it going? Rueger told him that he never owned a cottage comment. This must have been part of Rueger’s deposition. He still had an office (assignment) and an opportunity to give some response. I never was able to say anything pertaining to my case. I had to realize that I was not a bishop nor in the hierarchical structure (black box). It was described that this encounter had Rueger talking and talking.

                I was getting a pitted-stomach feeling whenever I heard on the news about the Vatican’s approach of “Zero Tolerance” of any priest that was allegated. I even at times had with this stomach feeling, a weakness and dry-heaves. I hadn’t had this feeling or reaction for some time. I tried to shift-gears in my thoughts and actions. It was a scary feeling.

This was one of a few times that I felt as I should call Dr. Zeman for an appointment. I had this “depressing feeling” that concerned me with fear that I was not sure that I was handling at all with my different approaches. After a short period of time, I realized that I did not need another appointment at that time. It was that type of situation that I would slow myself down of mind or body and sit in “quiet time.” I realized the issue of being removed from the priesthood that would have not been of my making. But, I realized to take it as a day at a time. I was still in the “vocation” mode of life.

What did come to mind at this time was how Msgr. Charles Chwalek statement about me to another seminarian: “Become a good priest and not like Ted Kardas!” This was mainly due to the fact that Chwalek was the Polish Prince of Worcester and never was placed in a Polish parish. He had an agenda of a Pre-Vatican II Church. I, however, was a priest of the Diocese of Worcester that was an American of Polish decent. There is a significant in such a position in that period of time- the 1970s. Chwalek’s Church was “king-serf” model that was as a Packman game eating-up an individual priest’s personality.

I realized that I wrote about this a number of times in my journal writing, but it was a point of my struggle of being the person that I was and the talents that I had been graced by God to have. I was part of a servant Church and not the pre-Vatican II “king-serf” format.  

September 16, 2002

                “Monsignor OK’d, then suspended against: Cardinal Law cites new information” was printed in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette this day. The article read: “Cardinal Bernard Law celebrated mass without Msgr. Michael Smith Foster yesterday, after a symbolic pubic reconsolidation was dashed by the archdiocese decision to suspend him again.  Law had welcomed back Foster, the vicar general and highest-ranking priest in the Archdiocese of Boston to be accused of sexual abuse, and invited him to appear with him at the Cathedral of the Holy Cross. But Foster was suspended against Saturday after a former altar boy, who was withdrawn a lawsuit against Poster, brought forward new information. Foster said through a spokeswoman that he had to yet been told what the new allegation was. ‘While I continue to be saddened by the actions of the archdiocese, I am strengthened by and appreciative of the outpouring of support from so many. I pray this matter will be resolved quickly.’ “251

                Whenever I read anything as such, I wonder about Bishop Rueger’s allegations and their handling by the Worcester Chancery.

                 I experienced a very interesting Monday with a stillness that was different for me with noise and nervous energy being a part of the ordinary routine. There was no noise and the end of summer. It is raining outside and there is fall warmth in the air. Outside, I hear some crows and later a blue jay. I was reading with an internal calmness and peace. I find my mind is at a peace that is not likely previous descriptions of moving leg of an octopus- all over the place. I realize in this mode that what I have been reading and hearing of late, that some tires are odd, some tantalizing, and some outright fabrications/

                This day I have one of those inexperience’s of a “visit of the Lord” in the Jesus Prayer- Jesus came. I am not caught up in seeking the visit, seeking the experience for myself-indeed seeking myself. My pleasure, satisfaction is where the Lord really speaks to us through a scripture text. Speak, Lord, you servant want to hear (Jn. 14-17, Corth 2, Rev. 3, Phil. 2)               

September 19, 2002

                Kathleen A. Shaw wrote this day in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette wrote” Former Gardner priest in court.” She wrote: “David Lawson said he felt emotional conflict after the Rev. Thomas Teczar raised wheat he thought was a platonic friendship to a sexual level > Mr. Lawson now 48 and living in Webster said that at the time he was 16 and was having devoutly accepting that he was homosexual. He says Rev. Teczar as a friend and a priest attempted sexual encounters with him. Mr. Lewcon testified yesterday in Worcester Superior court on the opening day of his civil lawsuit against Rev. Teczar.”252

September 20, 2002

                The Boston Globe published this day the article by Rachel Zoll (AP) “Ordaining gays is criticized.” It stated: “New York- A staff member of an influential Vatican office has published an article arguing that gay should not be ordained as priests, citing the clerical sex abuse scandal. If a man is gay ‘then he should not be admitted to holy orders, and his presence in the seminary would not only give him false hope but it may, in the fact, hinder’ the therapy he needs, Monsignor Andrew Baker of the Congregation of Bishops wrote. Reached by phone in Rome, Baker would not immediately say whether his superiors reviewed or approved the article before it was printed in the Jesuit magazine America, which is due out Monday. However, church observers say Baker’s arguments were evidence of the Holy See’s views on homosexuality at a critical time for the Roman Catholic Church. ‘The Congregation for Bishops is one of the most important offices in the Vatican because it deals with bishops’ conferences and it also recommends names to the pope to appoint bishops around the world,’ said the Rev. Thomas Resse, editor of the New York-based magazine. ‘I think the article helps us understand the thinking of at least some people in the Vatican n the question of ordaining gay men.”253 

September 21, 2002

                The front page of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette morning edition has a picture of Survivors Network for those abused by Priest in Cambridge and article “Subpoena of abuse records withdrawn by bishop Reilly” by Kathleen A. Shaw. It reads: “Worcester- Bishop Daniel P. Reilly said yesterday he had no knowledge that an insurance company lawyer had subpoenaed confidential records of the Survivors Network for those Abused by Priests and said he was rescinding the request. The subpoena has withdrawn yesterday afternoon, but this action did not entirely impress Philip A. Saviano, New England regional director for SNAP. Mr. Saviano said the ‘damage has been done,’ meaning the action would have a chilling effect on other victim support groups throughout the country. SNAP will proceed with its actions to quash the subpoena until it gets assurance the diocese will never repeat this request, he said. Mr. Saviano said he was verbally assured yesterday afternoon by lawyers for the insurance company and diocese that they will drop attempts to get confidential records. He held a press conference yesterday at Harvard University. H was asked whether he believed that Bishop Reilly had o knowledge of the subpoena. ‘I have no idea if he knew but if he did not know then there is a problem,’ he said. The bishop, as head of the dioceses should have knowledge of what is going n with the lawsuits affecting his diocese.”254

                “Lewcon recounts wild Cape party: Civil suit trail against Rev. Teczar.” By Kathleen A. Shaw this day writes: Worcester- David L. Lewcon yesterday described a trip to a home on Cape Cod with the Rev. Thomas Teczar that involved drinking, smoking marijuana and an incident in which one of the partygoers claimed to have a gum. The incident happened about a month after his first direct sexual encounter with Rev. Teczar, he said. The priest at the time was assigned to St. Mary’s parish in Uxbridge, which was Mr. Lewcon’s home parish. Mr. Lewcon was a 16-year old high school student. Mr. Lewcon testified a second day in his civil suit in Worcester Superior Court against Rev. Teczar. Mr. Lewcon alleges that he was damaged psychologically as a result of sexual misconduct by Rev. Teczar. The priest, who has not been defrocked, was placed on leave by the Worcester diocese several years ago and is not allowed to function as a priest.”255

                The Associated Press had an article in this same issue of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette on “Vatican seen as backing bishops’ policy on abuse.” It stated: Vatican City- the Vatican is leaning toward giving the go-ahead to the U. S. bishops’ plan to combat sex abuse among clergy, accepting the proposal on a an experimental basis, a senior Vatican official said yesterday. Such a move by the Holy See would give Roman Catholic leaders in the United States time to enact their controversial reform policy without making permanent changes in church law.”256 

September 22, 2002

                Since yesterdays story on accusers’ records, Kathleen A. Shaw writes “Bishop Daniel P. Reilly, through his lawyers, has subpoenaed the confidential records of all alleged victims of clergy sexual abuse from the Worcester Diocese who have contacted the organization SNAP- the Survivors Network of Those Abused by Priests. ‘I believe the intent here is to keep more victims from coming forwards to talk about their abuse by priests,’ said Philip A. Saviano, SNAP regional director. Mr. Saviano said he was retained a lawyer and will fight to keep the church from getting hold of the records. ‘It’s reprehensible,’ he said. ‘I have no intention of turning over those records,’ Mr. Saviano said. Wendy Johnson of Boston, who has represented sexual abuse victims, will represent him in this action, he said. ‘Victims have been supporting for so long, trapped in secrecy and shame, and it was all because of the church cover-up the lies and despicable effort to seep this serious problem under the rug,’ Ms. Murphy said. ‘It is unfathomable to me that now, when victims finally have the opportunity to seek justice, the church is using the same dirty tactics against hem. Only this time, it is in the name of the law, not of God,’ she said. ‘We’ll do whatever it takes to fight this subpoena, and we aware willing to go to the Supreme Court, if necessary.”257

                What becomes interesting is that all the available information is not put forth by all parties. Here we go again. Watching the Church operate by going up on an issue, and then playing another game. These victims groups know that many allegations are false. There is a game of hiding behind a psychological curtain. Who is the victim after all in such situations- alleged or the victims? Putting all the information on the table is suddenly a non-issue of having “guilty till proven innocent.” What this move by the bishop may be a coded message: No more money is going to be given out. Besides a message, this should have been followed through in my case and the two girls with their allegations. Everything should be put on the plate because it has involved more lives than the two girls. The question that is begged in my case: Who are these two girls and the facts of the allegations being reported in the suits? In addition, where was the “due process” from the Canon Law perspective on my situation? 

September 25, 2002

                Kenneth J. Moynihan writes in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette “Worcester Diocese must accept perception is reality to many.”  This column stated”: “The first mite I wrote today’s column, I called it ‘puzzling’ that ‘lawyers for Bishop Daniel P. Reilly of Worcester are pursuing a strategy that seems designed to raise suspicions  about the victims group known as the Survival Network of Those abused by Priests (SNAP).’ ‘What comes out from the bishops,’ I wrote, ‘is occasionally so bizarre as to make us wonder whether members of the hierarchy even understand than they are engaged in a crisis that, in addition to being moral and organizational and legal, is also profoundly political. The outcome of the crisis will in large part depend on how soon many people can regain what has patently been lost confidence in the leaders of the church., whether it be the current leaders or those who will take their places.’ It now turns out that the lawyers going after SNAP may not have been Bishop Reilly’s lawyers after al…sort of. Bishop Reilly said on Monday that he has been ‘dismayed to learn in news reports on Sunday that our liability insurance company found it necessary to seek records of alleged victims form the support group SNAP.’ He said, ‘This was the first time I or my chancery staff were made aware of this request.’ The bishop  also said he had contacted the lawyers for Travelers Insurance as well as the diocesan lawyer and asked that the subpoena for the records be withdrawn, had it reportedly was withdrawn on Sunday afternoon. Even if we believe, as I do, that Bishop Reilly was not directly responsible for the issuing of the subpoena, a great deal of personal and political gage was caused within a 48-hour period.”258

                This reinforces my idea that it was a coded message: No more money is going too given out. No money should have been out from day one.

                This same day we read for this same issue about Father Teczar “Expert say test show many abuse symptoms.” Richard Nangle of T & G Staff writes: Worcester- David Lewcom exhibits many symptoms common in people who were sexually abused in their youth but were in denial until well into their adult years, an expert in forensic psychology connected to McLean Hospital at Harvard Medical School testified yesterday in Superior Court. Dr. John Daignault said Mr. Lewcom did not know he had been sexually abused by the Rev. Thomas Teczar until he watched a television program about sexual abuse in 1993. Afterward, he said, Mr. Lewcon began to seek out victims of sexual abuse and came to believe that problems in his own life stemmed from the alleged sexual abuse. “I do not believe he has grasped the depth of the harm he went through,” Dr. Daignault said. As evidence, he pointed to Mr. Lewcon’s decision to go to lunch with Rev. Teczar sometimes in the mid-1980s, about 15 years after the alleged abuse happened. Had Mr. Lewcom realized he had been harmed, Dr. Paignault said, he never would have accepted Rev. Teczar’s invitation.”259

                But on the front page we read “Witness against diocese testifies: Man disputes extorting claim.” Here is Bishop Rueger’s story: “Worcester- A sworn deposition given earlier this month disputes assertions by Catholic Diocese of Worcester officials that Sime Braio attempted to extort money from the diocese before he filed a lawsuit accusing Auxiliary Bishop E. Rueger of sexual abuse. Mr. Braio, 52, filed the civil suit in July against the diocese and Bishop Rueger, alleging that Rev. Rueger, who was then a priest, sexually molested Mr. Braio when he was a teenager. Glen G. Alexander, who rents an apartment from Mr. Braio, gave a deposition on Sept. 10; he was questioned by Daniel J. Shea, Mr. Braio’s lawyer, and James G. Reardon Jr., lawyer for the diocese. Mr. Alexander said he was with Mr. Braio when Mr. Braio called the chancery on Feb. 26 to report he had been abused by Bishop Rueger. Mr. Alexander also said he was in Mr. Braio’s apartment on May 10 when Monsignor Thomas J. Sullivan, the diocesan chancellor, arrived there with a black bag. The conversation he heard, Mr. Alexander said, made it appear that the diocese was more interested in protecting the auxiliary bishop from public exposure than in helping Mr. Braio. He said he also was present on May 16 when state police assigned to the Worcester District Attorney’s office escorted Mr. Braio form his home of a questioning session that lasted 10 hours. Mr. Alexander said that over a two-year period Mr. Braio had told him about how, years ago the- Rev. Rueger would sing him out of the former Lyman School, a state-operated facility for juvenile delinquents, and take him to a house in Scituate…”260

                The Sentinel & Enterprise had on its front page “Diocesan officials accused of bribing man to keep quiet: Man who claimed abuse was allegedly offered thousands ‘to ease your pain’ “the article stated: “A deposition take in preparation for a civil lawsuit filed against the Roman Catholic Diocese of Worcester alleged that diocesan officials offered a Shrewsbury man money to keep quiet about the sexual abuse he had alleged. Simon Braio, represented by attorney Daniel Shea, is suing the diocese and Auxiliary Bishop George Rueger for alleged molestation that occurred beginning when he was an altar boy at Our Lady of the Lourdes church in Worcester.”261

                I read on the internet that the Vatican and American Bishops’ Abuse Policy would be released on October 19^th. According to this report that there will be “Zero tolerance” of “one-strike and your out.” I read this late at night and struggled through the night to sleep. I awoke at what I call usual stress-time at 4015 am. There was considered by the rapist as the Seventh Hour where they begin prayer-Divine office at this time in Chapel... I toss and turn usually for one hour with my mind racing because of my thoughts concerning my priesthood. I had to realize and struggle to stay in the day: One day at a time and let my prayer is: “Come Jesus.” The thought were al over the place. But, one very strong one was how “Father Peacock” was reacting to what I call the “sing of the time” news stories about the Vatican and the American Bishops announcement on “Zero Tolerance.” He had a reaction that I watched that was with anger and resentment. The issue here gets to where he was realizing that he would not be able to use me to do Masses for him on his vacations or get church information-gossip line- from me. He had a coupe of other priest that were n administrative leave and were doing weekend Masses. He was, constantly, manipulating guys to see who he would use next for covering him for one of his 9 week vacations (retreat). I was getting an “isolation” feeling in his time with me in sitting and having a coffee. I noticed how he floated-off into a fantasy of the British Empire with the Queen style of monarchy. He would not react to my trying to relate about the Sunday Scripture of the past Sunday for conversation which had been a safe area for discussion whenever I noticed his mod swing. Now, I was noticing that he had a definite technique to withdraw too whenever he didn’t want to talk. It was hopeless in trying to share new and different insights on the gospels of the season.

                I was going to relate a suggestion that I wanted the diocese to investigate with my two accusers of psychotically testing of their personalities, backgrounds- one was on a state abortion committee- and other objectives- money.  

September 26, 2002

                This day’s Worcester Telegram & Gazette gives us “Priest’s lawyers dispute testimony’ but on page B6... It reports: Worcester- Lawyers for the Rev. Thomas Teczar yesterday attempted o discredit the superior Court testimony of a forensic psychologist who is a key witness in the clergy sexual abuse civil suit filed by David Lewcom of Webster. Dr. John Daignault of the staff of McLean Hospital at Harvard Medical School, said of Mr. Lewcon, ‘He has lost his soul, his soul has been stripped from him.’ Sexual abuse at the hands of Rev. Teczar when Mr. Lewcom was a teenager, Mr. Daignault said, was to blame. But one of Mr. Teczar’s lawyer’s Louis P. Aloise of Worcester questioned when other factory might explain Mr. Lewcon’s difficulties (Spitting on a grave) in his adult life.”262 

September 27, 2002

                Front page of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette today has; “List of priests is released by prosecutor- Civil rights advocates call move ‘witch hunt.’” The article reads: “Boston- A prosecutor took the unusual steep yesterday of releasing the names of Roman Catholic priest whom church officials say were accused of sexually abusing children but have to been charged by authorities. Bristol County District Attorney Paul Walsh gave out the list of 20 names ahs he announced the indictment of a priest in the alleged molestation of a girl from 1965 to 1971. Civil rights advocates criticized Walsh for encouraging a ‘witch hunt.’ Walsh acknowledged his decision goes agent standard prosecutorial policy and appeared to be the first move off its kind by a prosecutor.”262 This was not Worcester County which is where the Diocese of Worcester would be the jurisdiction with Attorney Conte.

                This same day the Worcester Voice published on the internet “Compilation of Published Sexual Abuse cases: Documented through news reports published in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette.” The introduction stated: “We would like to thank Phil Saviano and SNAP for the effort I putting together this compilation of Cases.” My name was listed “Rev. Thaddeus Kardas- Two women who allege that Rev. Kardas sexually molested them in the early 1970s, beginning when they were 12 years old, name him in a sex abuse lawsuit in February 1995.”264

                New major issue here on this in the Worcester Voice was that I was not in Massachusetts when these two girls were 12 years old. I was a seminarian, studying in Michigan. 

September 27, 2002

                In “The people’s forum” (Letter-to-the-Letter) this day had “Priest’s reputation cannon be restored: Recently the Catholic Church observed he feast of St. Augustine. St. Augustine had a wild youth but finally saw the ‘error of his way,’ became contrite, reformed his life and went on to be canonized. The thought occurred to me that, if St. Augustine lived in this day and age, someone from his past would have approached the district attorney or better yet, the newspapers and disclosed the sordid detail of his past. I compare the foregoing with the present situation which concerns the Rev. Joseph A. Coonan. For what purpose were the recent disclosures about him made? Certainly it can’t be for monetary reason, and I can only concluded that it was done in a spirit of meanness that seems to be prevalent these day. Of course, I realize that it’s too late to restore Rev. Coonan’s reputation but I will continue to wish him well in his future endeavors. (Signed) Gerald M. Earls, Southbridge.”265

                The National Catholic Reporter “Vatican expected to deny approval of sex abuse norms” by Rome correspondent- John L. Allen, Jr. His article states: “While affirming the intent of the U.S. bishops to protect young people from sexual abuse, the Vatican will not grant legal approval to new American norms adopted in Dallas June q4. Instead, sources say that Rome will invited U. S. prelates to discuss how those rules can be harmonized with the church’s universal law. Vatican sources said that formal notice of this decision is likely to be issued in early October. The result means that, as a matter of law, the Dallas norms will not yet be binding on American dioceses. Moreover, elements that differ from the Code of Canon Law, such as the statue of limitations for sexual abuse may not be enforceable, or could be subject to reversal should a case be appealed to a church court in Rome. The outcome has been widely expected, given a spate of critical comments on the American approach form Vatican officials both before and after the June vote (NCR, May 31) The result also reflect a growing concern from within the United States, especially among canon lawyers worried that the Dallas norms fail to adequately protect the due process right of accused priests…”266

                I did hear that Rome was “ballistic” on the issue of the bishop being a “reporting agent to police.” The issue was what was the bound of the relationship of a bishop with his priest?  

September 28, 2002

                Father Teczar case gets another article this day: “Teczar’s career path rocky” in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette. We read: “Worcester-The Rev. Thomas Teczar testified in Worcester Superior Court yesterday that he was dismissed form two seminaries and generally had a rocky road on his way to ordination in 1967. Now 61, Rev. Teczar testified that after ordination by Bishop Bernard j. Flanagan, he was transferred several time until he became an inactive priests in 1984. He has never bee defrocked, but Worcester diocese took away his right to function as a priests in that year.”267

                It should be mentioned that with Bishop Flanagan and Bishop Harrington, Associate Pastor- Curates, were transferred regularly on a 3 or 6 year rotation. We never unpacked all of our books because of this policy. It was a “marching army” that we were as “curates.” 

September 29, 2002

                This Sunday ride and lunch with “father Peacock” was strenuous in that he was in classic character of elitism. So, when he started to probe about any information that I might have known at St. Edward’s 50 anniversaries and if I had received an invitation to attend. When I wouldn’t give a blunt answer, he began to get red faced. I used the “yes and no” technique. What I meant was “yes’ – pastor, “no” – Bishop Reilly.  So, sitting at “Friendly’s”, he tells me to fill-out the customer questioner. I was not interested nor had I ever done such a form before. Well, it developed to him talking about the pedophile issue with priest and accused me to be one. Immediately I responded with a strong reply: “I am not pedophile and don’t ever forget that, again.” He then acted sheepish. But, he did get his ‘dig-in.”  Actually, I was playing his game. I realized more and more that I was no one that needed such treatment from neither another priest nor anyone.

                I notice that something else was play on this “Father Peacock” which may come out in time or possibly I would never know or understand. I mentioned previously that this was a game that I did not have to participate in.

                I notice in myself that I was in a period of time of “fear buckets” filling-up with Bishop Reilly going to say to me: You’re out of the priesthood. Then I had the mid game of recalling how Pedone pushed his finger into my chest saying: “We have other things on you’- in “1995.”

                I then went in my praying, studying and writing mode to find serenity in myself. I noticed that I was become more interesting in my conversations in developing a more aggressive and not pit-to (poor me) style. Most people that would call or invite me for coffee were, what I call “nosey encounters” where I would repeat that “No! I didn’t do it.” Then, I would not use the drinking time argument. I was dealing with the issue of only the allegations and not anything else for explanations. Actually, this was too much information in itself. I developed in a more precise manner- I never abused anyone! Period. I let them react to that statement and didn’t feed anything else because most people, I learned, had already established viewpoints. I was finding an internal peace. My trust was put in God, live with God on God’s terms. 

October 1, 2002

                Father Teczar’s story bets more print in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette with: “Worcester- The Rev. Thomas Teczar yesterday acknowledged once serving hard liquor to a teenage boy while assigned to St. Mary’s parish in Uxbridge, but denied doing so on other occasions. Under questioning by the lawyer fro a man who has alleged he was sexually abused by Rev. Teczar as teenager, the Catholic priest admitted once serving liquor to a boy under the age of 18 while at St. Mary’s Church where he was assigned in 1971 and 1972. Rev. Teczar who remains a priest, but no longer performs priestly duties, was not asked to provide any details of the incident. In response to questions posed by Laurence E. Hardon, a Boston lawyer representing David Lewcom of Webster, Rev. Teczar sad he had no recollection of serving liquor to teen at any other times before being assigned to the Uxbridge parish.”268

                The October issue of Call to Action New England: Working for peace, justice and love in our Church, in our world and n ourselves in the spirit of Vatican II printed this in their October 2002 issue: “Scapegoat Gay Priest by Frank O’Gorman- Earlier this year, like everyone else, I was shocked to learn about the sexual abuse of boys and teenagers by certain Catholic priests. As horrible as these sexual abuse are, the cover-up of these crimes by certain bishops and cardinal is more reprehensible. After all, people who are psychosexually sick may act in sick ways, but healthy people are expected to exercise sound judgment. Just when it seemed that the most outrageous dimension of the crisis had been reported, the scapegoat of homosexuals began. Vatican spokesman, Joaquin Navarro Valle, told the New York Times, ‘People with these (homosexual) inclinations just cannot be ordained,’ and further suggested that the ordinations of gay priests might also be invalid, Cardinal Anthony Beviacqua of Philadelphia stated, ‘We feel a person who is homosexual-orientated is not a suitable candidate for he priesthood even if he had never committed any homosexual act.’ In reporting on the April meeting of the people and US cardinals in Rome, Bishop Wilton Gregory, President of the US Conference of catholic Bishops said, ‘It is importantly a struggle to make sure that the Catholic priesthood is not dominated by homosexual men.’ Why are we homosexuals being scapegoat? In simplest term it is ignorance and ignorance lead to fears. Fear breeds attachment, particularly to power.”269

                What gets interesting is the level of comments on homosexuality and the people that are making statements. One has to live in a system of the American Catholic Church and experience day in and day out being a minister.

October 2, 2002

                This morning the Worcester Telegram & Gazette reports “Man claims priests misused confession to get sex partner” by Kathleen A. Shaw.  She printed: “Worcester- the Rev. Jean-Paul Gagnon, a priest in Millville; Raymond Tremblay of Worcester, a religious education teacher; and the Rev. Henry S. Banach, a retired diocesan priest, have been named in civil suits filed this week in Worcester superior Court alleging the abused children in their parishes. Raymond L. Delisle, spokesman for the Catholic Worcester Diocese, which is also named in the sits, said the diocese does not comment on pending lawsuit. Timothy P. Staney and his parents, Joseph C. and Corinne L Staney, both teachers I the Worcester public schools, alleged in their suit that Rev. Gagnon violated the Confession, also know to catholic as the Sacrament of Reconciliation by using information obtained in the Confessional to set Timothy Staney up as a sex partner for Rev. Gagnon.”270

                What we have here is another area of issue of one person’s word against another person. It is one of those situations where the priest is defenseless. Even the old days of pre-Vatican II time would be an issue with Confession: It was in the box with a curtain separating priest and penitent with the form where the priest would give a penance (Say one or three Hail Mothers, five Our Fathers and if really bad- a rosary.) Give absolution and “good bye!” 

October 3, 2002

                Kathleen A. Shaw reports “Teczar jury to get early start today: Teczar jury to resume deliberations.” The story states; “Worcester-The jury in the civil suit against the Rev. Thomas Teczar deliberated for about 2 ½  hours yesterday before asking to adjourn for the day. Judge Peter Velis asked jury members at 4:30 p.m. whether they wanted to continue their deliberations. They said no and the judge excused them for the day. He initially scheduled deliberations to resume in Worcester Superior at 9:30 a.m. today. The foreman said the jury wanted to begin at 9 a.m. The judge set a compromise and both sides agreed to resume 9:15 a.m. the jury sent tow questions to the judge from the deliberation room. One asked about the statue of limitations for this type of sexual abuse allegation. The later asked the judge to define the term ‘reckless intention.’ The judge said he would give them the definition when the reconvene this morning.”271

                I received a phone call in the evening from a priest that I call was a member of the “Pink Flamingo Mob” in the diocese. It was a gossip sharing call in that he would never call me in the evening and that he wanted to talk. He told me about one priest that already was in the newspaper in the last few days, where the alleged victim was the nephew of another priest in the diocese. But, the real big story I had to hear was how another pastor had a girl friend and is leaving for Florida. He had to add that this story had bee around for two weeks. The priest caller had to emphasize tome that he never gets any news and is the gossip center for priest information. He had a rivalry with the priest leaving for Florida “sabbatical.” He also has tried to be the new “French Kingpin” after Msgr. Collette retired. (Recall him with Bob Chatrand and my situation in the parish?) The priest heading to Florida for “sabbatical” may have been a ploy by the gay priest gang- Pink Flamingo Mob – to get the spotlight-off the gay priest because of the emphasis of late toward heterosexual matters. This group was a secret-coded group that was different than any “sex ring” if such a group existed. All of this may be the gossip game of top mystery element- get the spotlight on something else syndrome. One has to watch where the spotlight is not showing- misdirection technique. Having such a phone call had me reflecting on how the Pink flamingo Mob, actually, had a body blocked technique on me while I was in the rectory and even where I am on Administrative Leave. I get a weak feeling, thinking due to nerves about my particulars and what I had to  encounter being in the Worcester Diocese and the seminary. This was the issue of managing my fears by developing techniques to deal with different situations. The priest that took a “sabbatical” to Florida is a story that we haven’t heard the conclusion.

                “Father Peacock” and I became entangled in the Deacon Program issue. One has to recall that he is obsessed with Deacons. So, I had thrown in the discussion a report from Rome about women in the deaconate. Well, it was a slow burn where his face became red and he only answered “No. Rome answered that a couple of years ago and it was that answer- No. ” What he meant that there would be no such thing because it would lead to the priesthood issue. With a period of silence, I get a strong statement from him that “Rome is coming out next week n the Dallas Charter

(sex abuse).” He was so angry and he does know how to give a kick-in reaction. It is actually scary where one may want to get out of his way in such circumstances.  I realize that what is happening in such a time is the “ping-pong match. Then, I had to get from him how one of his parishioners held his hand at the end of a Mass and said that she knew his pain (media stories). It was another one of those stories that most likely did not occur- Father does lie. O had to hear another story from him before I got out of the car which was: A family that transferred to his parish told him that he responded with such a friendly manner that they knew they wanted to be part of the parish. This was one of those “Give me a break!” sequences. Another way to describe a reaction to such stories is that I would have to have my waders-on and having to pull them-up higher- high water mark. He does self-promotion with a style that one has to observe. 

October 4, 2002

                Kathleen A. Shaw continued this story: “Jury rules Teczar was abuser: But awards Lewcon no compensation.” She reported: “Worcester- a jury decided yesterday that the Rev. Thomas Teczar sexually abused Div A. Lewcon and caused him harm but it declined to award any money. The verdict was reached after a 3 p.m.  In Worcester Superior Court after a day of deliberation in the civil trail. ‘No one won here today,’ said Lois P. Aloise, a lawyer for Rev. Teczar. The lives of both men were altered, he added. He called the priest abuse scandal that has deeply affected the Catholic Church in the United States a ‘national tragedy’ that needs to come to an end.”272 

October 5, 2002

                The Tablet, and Catholic international publication, printed “Sex abuse, power abuse” by James Keenan. He is introduced by: “Homosexual priest could emerge as the scapegoats for the sex abuse crisis in the United States, a professor of Christian ethics fears. But, he argues, the scandal was brought on not by sex, but by a misuse of power by priests and church authorities.” The article states: “Just before the cardinals came to Rome, many of them tried to use the media as scapegoats for their own scandal. But when no less a figure than Cardinal Law acknowledged that the scandal was not the result of media frenzy, a new scapegoat emerged- priests, and gay priests specifically. This new ruse first appeared in March when Dr. Joaquin Navarro-Valls, the Vatican spokesman, tried blaming gay priests for the sandal. It re-emerged on 23 April when Bishop Wilton Gregory started talking about gay taking over the seminaries. 'Ah’, I thought, ‘the new sacrificial lamb.’ I was right. By the end of their meeting there were discussions about homosexual priests, about the need to visit seminaries and to screen out those candidates of a homosexual orientation, and about the need to investigate the tope of sexual ethics being taught…I also want to see the Cardinals acknowledge that there are many gay priests and bishops, not to expel them, as some assert, but to recognize that many of these gay men are good, caring, ordered, and generous. I think many gay priests would sob tears of relief were they to be accepted publicly as priest and as gay. I think many of the laity; both straight and gay would weep as well. And I think that with such recognition many seminarians, both straight and gay, would find in such openness a call to healthy and holy maturity, responsibility and honesty. But we cannot begin to talk about such possibilities until we ask why they are at present so improbable, and the reason is the determinations of those with power…”273 

October 6, 2002

                I met Angelo DiRusso this day in Leominster. He was the younger brother of Dominic DiRusso, of late, who was very supportive of me when everything stated happening to me in 1993. Well, Angelo told me that Ralph Delmonico called him form Westminster. Ralph wanted to know, by this call, if he knew what I was doing and living. Ralph also said that I should be in jail.  Ralph was the guy who in 1993 was going up and down Main Street in Westminster telling people that I embezzled $40,000 from the parish and was destroying my character. People that were telling me about him were willing to testify against him if I wanted to do anything by a lawsuit of defamation of character suit. He and his wife, Evelyn, were constantly talking to everyone and anyone they o listen to them about me. This is the couple that lived across the street from St. Edward’s Rectory and related to Dominic and Mary DiRusso. Was it time to get a lawyer to file a defamation of character suite against Ralph and Evelyn Delmonico? 

October 7, 2002

                The Worcester Telegram & Gazette prints “N.H. bishop shouts ‘I’m no lying.” By J. M. Hirsch of the Associated Press. The article states: “Jaffrey, N.H.- Bishop John B. McCormack confronted angry parishioners as he explained why he assigned to their church a priest who had a sexual relationship with a teenage boy. ‘Don’t’ accuse me of lying. I’m not lying,’ he shouted as many in the crowd of about 200 at St. Patrick Church accused him of withholding information about the Rev. Roland Cote. Asked by several people to resign, the bishop responded: ‘I have no intention of resigning. I am her to serve.’ McCormick celebrated Mass and took questions from the congregation to discuss the allegations against Cote, assigned to the church in June. Cote greeted McCormack at the church, but did not attend the service or the discussion afterward. In April, Cote was accused of sexual misconduct with a teenage boy during the 1980s. Cote has acknowledged the relationship, but said the young man was at least 18 at the time. The man, now 35, told authorities Cote molested him while assigned to St. Patrick’s Church in Newport.”274

                There is a “witch hunt” going on in regards to the good Catholic people, whom I believe have their own ‘authority’ agenda with the clericalism- especially the hierarchy and the hierarchy which will do everything to protect their turf. (black box) 

October 9, 2002

                Here is an interesting article by Kenneth J. Moynihan, who is a columnist that appears regularly in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette. He writes “secular daily, religious weekly and church sex abuse scandal’ by saying; “From the beginning, the sex-abuse controversy now embroiling the Catholic church was bound to extend beyond sexual behavior into a wide range of political questions within the church as well as political questions involving the church and the rest of society. The internal conflict reputed immediately in demand that cardinal Bernard F. Law of Boston rising or be removed. We also could quickly see the strain building between the church’s leaders and outside agents like journalists and public prosecutors. In Worcester it has been possible to sense the predictable tension between reports trying to find things out and church officials trying to control the flow of information or misinformation that is at the heart of the crisis. It also has been possible to sense the turning as strategic wheels in the minds of lawyers seeking to influence press coverage, as well as the turning of public-relations wheels in the minds of diocesan officials trying to make the best of what must often seem a mind-numbing disaster. I have found it particularly intriguing to try to follow the story simultaneously in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette and in the weekly newspaper of the diocese, The Catholic Free Press. I’ve frequently wondered whether some of the T&G coverage was sufficiently sensitive to the accused men, to their families and friends and to others hurt by the publication of detailed allegations (my case of one girl giving her version and nothing else.) that may or may not be true. On the other hand, had it not been for the tenacity of reporters, we would still be back in that former life when serial predators were being protected and enabled by church authorities who had lost at lest some of the hearings on their normal compass. I have admired on May occasions the readiness of the Catholic Free Press editors to add evidence of their own to the growing heap of evidence showing how deep has be the damage caused by failures of judgment and the integrity on the part of priests and diocesan officials. On the other hand the Free Press is owned by the diocese and has an obvious public-relations function to carry out. Balancing the demands of honest reporting with the demands of polishing the church’s image cannot be an easy task. As a regular reader of the secular daily and the religious weekly, I frequently make a mental note, after reading something in one, to see how the other will handle the same story or add to it. On the last coupe of weeks something unusual had been happening. Things, I have read in the Free Press, things I automatically expected to see in the T&G as well, have not show up in the daily. I don’t know quite what to make of it, but as a public service, here are the stories (Bishop Rueger’s allegations published in the T&G)…That blast (Chancery ), my sense of news  told me, would surely call forth a T*G story, reporting the fact of the criticism and quoting appropriate sources n response. Well, I was wrong against. Maybe this whole business is more complicated than I though. Stay tuned. ”275

                His article does open-up the way the media operates, but also how the church hierarchy goes all out for their “hierarchy” personal and everyone else is “guilty till proven innocent.” What isn’t said on all those other priest of the diocese is most interesting on how this Church operates. Stay tuned. Most likely, one would be wasting their time in thinking that anything below the iceberg. You get to see only the top of the church iceberg of information on all this sex abuse crisis and that would be staged from your position of viewing-knowing.

                Jack Keena told me that Fr. Kilcoyne spoke with him that Fr. Kardas wrote back and that he was to attending the parish 50^th Anniversary Celebration. Here it is 9 years since my “Black Monday” and it is being treated by Kilcoyne as though I had any rights as attend a parish celebration where I was Pastor. This set a very peculiar attitude with certain parishioners that I was refusing their invitation. It was a no-win situation on my part. I didn’t say anything where I was very careful that any comment would carry to the different winds of the Church structure.  Jack was asked to tell me that Fr. Kilcoyne hopped that I would attend and to ask again to come for the 50^th. The situation was that Kilcoyne was playing the political game in the parish with certain parishioners of being the compassionate one and I was the issue- which is why I said that this was a no-win situation. This begs the question: Why didn’t Kilcoyne call me, which was a local call, and not have a parishioner carry a message. Kilcoyne knew what he was going in the “minefield.” This was quit a chess move on Kilcoyne’s part.

                This became an n interesting conversation with a parishioner that visited my place. Gail Robinson took on a personal campaign to be the “hero” of getting me to attend. She began by saying that she heard that I “refused” to attend. I said that was not true. So, she said to me: “Are we going to have your presence on Sunday (50^th Anniv. Mass)?”  I answered: It is not in my hands. Robinson: “You are not answering my question.” She was aware that I had purchases a new alb form the Trappist. She said later that she thought that I purchased it to say wee, end Masses. She said directly to me: “You just didn’t want to come.” I responded: Wrong, Gail! Then she said that John Capallini (Eucharistic Minster) was saying that they would not need any Eucharistic minister because so many priest were coming. I asked: Who? She said: “We don’t know.” I responded: Oh? Actually, they needed Eucharistic Minister for the Mass because there were only four priests in attendance including Bishop Rueger.  

October 8, 2002

                The anxiety feeling started affecting me over noting. Well, I though over nothing in which I realized that it was something-my personhood and priesthood. I immediately started doing some cleaning in my place-the kitchen. I had started worrying about a remake from Ron Leger to the Bishops’ Sex document. Actually, he added out of no where the question: “Did you do it?” This was the guy that walked with me, allowing me to stay at his lake house for five months and visiting me at my place. It hit me of being out of the priesthood and to hear from Rome on the Dallas Policy would be due in the next week according to informed reporter of Catholic News Service.  

October 9, 2002

                This anxiety of the day before continued on in my head, thinking of what Bishop Reilly telling me that he would contact me with Kilcoyne to go out to eat and talk about St. Edward’s 50^th Anniversary Celebration. . This was baffling because Reilly only said this with no intention of such a gathering- Reilly, Kilcoyne and Kardas. It was a “brush-off” tactic on Reilly’s part. No way did I mention this to a Gail Robinson’s drilling a few days previously or anyone else. In addition I was thinking this time of how I asked for financial help on my rent and the list of personal items “stolen” form my rectory living quarters. This was the clerical mind-field of the Worcester Chancery and the “flapping” that was going on in Westminster. I realized by this time, if I was ever to have another conversation with Bishop Reilly I private, it would need to be done by Reilly and myself walking together in a place as St. John’s cemetery (Diocesan Cemetery in Worcester). No chancery office meeting because it, most likely, was bugged and the conversation was being tapped.

                I, even, thought in this anxiety time and few days that having worked in youth ministry since ordination and running religious education program that had me give very little help or financial budgets. There was a constant complaining- not doing enough for parents and teens- on the part of parishioners and pastors that was a 24-7 undertaking. I should have been doing senior citizens ministry with the elderly.  But, that was not in the cards... So, now I sit outside the church system in a studio apartment. I had to realize that daily life of loneliness was and had been part of me and that it was an issue that I had handled before and no reason to be more capable to understand and deal with this in my daily life- arrogance of the Worcester Chancery Mob. I had to realize that I had this separation with a pain that will be part of my life forever.

                It was a time that I realized that I had to watch the Worcester Chancery Mob reacting to me whenever I was called into Worcester from 1993. It was I as “The Poster Boy.” Who should have been in the spotlight were Harrington, Rueger, Manning and Redone.  

October 10, 2002

                This day I received a phone call from a Margaret Peltola. She was one of the people with her husband, Martti that had walked with me since March 1993. She told me she a two part question for me: Did I receive an invitation for the parish 50^th Anniversary? Was I going?  What made this call interesting from her was that she was a former religious sister who would have understood the church situation more than a regular parishioner. So, when I made the similar statement as I did to the other parishioner: It was out of my hand?

                What I was realizing was a clerical ploy in the rectory of St. Edward’s who knew the situation with the Bishop and the Diocese. The pastor was telling people that he mailed invitations to all the priests that served the parish-standard procedure for such a celebration. He was telling parishioners that asked about me that he was hoping that I would attend- like it was my decision which it was not. I would have attended if it was my choice. Besides what came to mind on my part was how Bishop Reilly in January said that we-Reilly, Kilcoyne and myself- were to go out to dinner and talk about the parish celebration. This was all a ploy because nothing happened. I never said anything to Fr. Kilcoyne, Bishop Reilly’s comment of having dinner.

                I referred this previously as a chess game. I would also add to this a “poker game” with Kilcoyne. So, speaking with Margaret had me wondering because she never did call me and her manner of talking was different. There were most likely a number of people probing about my attending and then I was hearing-which was false-that I did not want to attend. Nothing was further from the truth. My heart and soul had been in that “Faith Community.” This significant celebration of a 50^th Anniversary was something of a marked time to praise God and the good people that made up St. Edward’s.

 I was surprised by Margaret’s call and tone. I had difficulty sleeping where I was back to 1193 and having restless nights for sleeping. It was that issue of anxiety with fear buckets filling-up, playing out, again. I had to realize: One day at a time.

                Then the weekly issue of the Catholic Free Press had in the diocesan schedule that Bishop Rueger was doing the 50^th Anniversary Mass at St. Edward’s. Bishop Reilly was taking part in the Worcester Columbus Day parade. What immediately came to mind as a flashback was where Rueger in the spring of 1993 was celebrating the Confirmation Mass, telling the candidates that the did not have to do what Fr. Kardas said. This was the same time that the  scene with Fr. Picclomini, acting as Master-of-Ceremony, sitting in the sanctuary across from me, looking at Rueger with a glowing smile. This scene had a lasting impression on my “stinken thinking.” I though: Get me out of here!

                This Mass even had the parishioner, vested- John McKenna (inactive priest) concelebrating this Mass.  It begged the question: What was really going on? Kardas was not allowed to celebrate and a John McKenna was front and center. It was another message from Rueger- in your face, Kardas and any parishioner that wanted to doubt the hierarchy. But, the people in the pews never did catch-on or knew the clerical message being non-verbally given. One would figure that Rueger would have asked about McKenna’s "priestly" status. Then, most likely they would feed-off each other- he said, she said. No one would get a straight answer. McKenna was a concelebrant. This was, most likely a subliminal answer to Kardas from Rueger and Kilcoyne. This was a near-perfect model of the power and the powerless.

                Word between the clergy some time after was the Bishop Reilly was scheduled for this 50^th Anniversary. Another word spread around Westminster was the McKenna was a priest on “Medical Leave.” This would have been for over 20 years. What was strange by this comment, which had to come out of St. Edward’s Rectory, was that a few years before Bishop Harrington’s retirement that he was calling priest that were on “Leave.” A classmate of mine that was on “Leave” living in Boston had a phone call from Harrington asking at the beginning of the conversation: “Is the Wall Street Journal still your bible?” Then Harrington wanted to know if he was “in or out” of the priesthood? So, we get the McKenna model that is living with his “cousin” Ann in Westminster. Tell me! 

October 11, 2002

                I had an empty feeling from not participating in the 50^th Anniversary celebration at St. Edward’s. I realized so time ago that rejection is not an exception to life but the rue. Death is the final rejection; other times are token reminders of the final one. Thus, my anger is misplaced. Somehow the spirit of life befits in the average to stand alone to expect nothing more and struggling to glory in it. The unspoken premise seems to be: If God is for us, who can be against us” But that depends on death being God’s foe as well. Perhaps, I have things turned around. Doing in order to belong to find form? That is to function as one does in the secular world, and it is backward. And get, if I begin with anger over the political game in the diocese, in order to end-up with an advocating a spiritual free enterprise? I find what is so critical for spiritual life-primitive silence. It is the empirical side of aloneness. Without them, the craving is assigned. There is a Trappist dictum: “Speak only when it improves the silence.”

                We get from the Catholic Free Press a couple blood review in “ About Books- Several views on crisis in Church: Betrayal: The Crisis in the Catholic Church by the investigative staff of the Boston Globe and From Scandal to Hope by Father Benedict J. Groesehel.” This would give you an idea of the diversity in these tow books: One would have been indemnified with the Worcester Telegram & Gazette and the other by the Catholic Free Press. The book by Groeshel has “the second chapter entitled ‘Persecution,’ had in his mid ‘the media’ is the ones primarily responsible for the ‘persecution’ “276

                I have on my shelf 20 books on the sex abuse crisis. There are many more published that my resources have not allowed me to obtain or even find in libraries.  

October 12, 2002

                I was thinking of having a “Preface” for my journal writing. It would be in the format of describing climbing Mark’s Mountain which was across the street from my home and the family porch in West Warren, Massachusetts (52 South Street/re-numbered at 230 South street). It would be described that I limbered and it was getting late. I was able to see my house and I recall that I had to start back from where I was and keep a straight line. This was important and because we are able to get-off track by some distance. In my writing, I am reminded to start in a straight line and keep that front of me. A few feet-off the track and I will get lost. So, realizing that having may facts, one may miss the truth. Likewise, not having the facts, I am still able to hit the truth on the head. My views and writing are in this direction. Mark Twain sad that the use of award might be with lightning or a lightning bug. It is another axiom of old: Enforced ignorance we face today, a foe we don’t. This is the overall observation of my situation where I had been put in isolation by the diocese and certain clergy to be kept in ignorance, but it has enlightened my to search and grow in understanding of my life and the system that I was ordained into.

                What I had to realize about the 50^th Anniversary Mass celebrated by Bishop Rueger that God is good. Imagine if I attended and had to listen to Rueger with his “plastic” style and his brine and glow. God saved me form that ordeal It was raw that say with rain and mist that day. In comparison that May 1993 Mass, which was the first Mass that I was “hijacked” from my people and lightning struck the church tower. Strange? The 50^th Anniversary Mass had weather of a very gray day. Another viewpoint that has to be mentioned in thanking God had to listen and watch the model of a Church of 1951. Clericalism personified with a friendly places atmosphere. It is the “Father Knows Best” approach having all decisions being made in the rectory procedure. It is supported the Cozzen’s book The Changing Face of the Priesthood where he presented a desire for a mere balanced discussion of a “gay sub-culture: in the seminaries and the extent to which they have destabilized the environment for heterosexual priest. This is called in certain circles a national crisis “An Inquisition.” 

October 13, 2002

                We read this morning in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette “Diocese subpoenas T& B staff: Subpoena deemed fishing expedition” written by Jay Whearley. He writes: “Worcester- The lawyer for a man who has sued the Roman Catholic Diocese of Worcester and Auxiliary Bishop George E. Rueger for sexual abuse said yesterday he will challenged a subpoena issued to Telegram & Gazette reporter Kathleen A. Shaw, who has interviewed the alleged victim and written several stories related to the lawsuit. Daniel J. Shea, who represents Sime M. Braio in his lawsuit alleging he was sexually abused by Bishop Rueger, said subpoenaing Ms. Shaw is a back-door attempt to circumvent the protection of attorney-client privilege. Mr. Shea said he was served with a copy of the subpoena on Friday and intends to fight it because of his obligation to his client, Mr. Braio. Subpoenaing the reporter and information she has obtained according to the lawyer, is an attempt to find out information Ms. Shaw possesses that otherwise would not be available to the diocese.”277 

October 14, 2002

                I had some friends telling me how they were at Friendly’s for supper.  There was “Father Peacock” with a teenager guest from the parish having supper. The couple made the remark to me: “Is this priest crazy with all that is going on? It is not smart with the inquisition of the Church.” This was the poisoned atmosphere of the society. I remarked with a famous quote: A good defense is a good offense. Also, this priest has the pompous image of “Father Knows Best” of the 1950s. What became interesting was that “Father Peacock” knew I would have heard about this supper. So, when he visited me he made a remark that he goes frequently to Friendly’s with fellow parishioners so he uses coupons he collects. He wanted to show people that he would have young boys out to supper even with his Roman collar as attire. The couple did say that people were staring at this situation. He had to make it know to me that he offers a bi-monthly Mass for “priest on leave.” He is what is known in clerical circles, as the perfect priest or he tries to impress that on people. This guy (“Father Peacock”) is a very strange and peculiar person. I have found another code name for him: Head Hunter Player.                

October 15, 2002

                I was struggling with the coming Dallas Report: I was removed without due process. Bishop Harrington told me in the “Hot House Kitchen” integration that I was “guilty till proven innocent. I realize that Bishop Harrington was not dealing rationally in those interrogations. Dealing with supposed “victims” was all done behind my back without me having any advocacy. I had to endure for a number of years Rueger’s “breath smelling” technique. In addition, the disgusting public conducts and words at St. Edwards’s Confirmation Mass where Rueger told the candidates and parishioners: “You don’t have to do what Fr. Kardas tells you.” This was an undermining of the Pastor. He never spoke about anything that I was doing was not acceptable to that Worcester Chancery Mob. Beside I was a “PP- Permanent Pastor” canonically that Pedone said was “not true.” Then the recall that Bishop Harrington said to Fr. Eugene Andrews some who years previously: “If I (Harrington) told them (seminarians) the truth, I’d get no one to be a priest.”  The diocese was much destabilized with gay priest- gay sub-culture. Yet, we had Bishop Harrington that had the car accident that I became privy to the story from the victims father. Then interrogations and psychological evaluation was next. Bishop Harrington’s surprised Friday visit to Hartford for my resignation as Pastor. Finally, a legal deposition. Then, I experienced nothing but being isolation: “We’ll get in contact with you. (Chancery Office).”

                This mantra would be summarized as: 1. Removed with due process w Permanent Pastor 3. Guilty Till Proven Innocent 4. Supposed two victims (More going to come out on you.) 5. Breath Smelling 6. Hot House Kitchen Interrogation 7. At IOL (Hartford) origination demanded on my evaluation 8 10+ years after Statue of Limitations 9. Removal from Ministry 10. Isolation

                This had me undertake in my spiritual reading the writing of W. Paul Jones work, Mind of Christ/ Cross. One’s life is the cross-hidden in history and a “cute” God. In monastery sermons, one can follow one’s development of inner virtues. Without Christ as the crucified Emmanuel, there is reconciliation what the Creator Ground. : there is no reconciliation with this Ground, without Jesus Christ as the crucified God in the midst of history.” In addition I read: “God is struggling with us.” “Silence is what is necessary in order to hear.” All of this is a process issue from the “Province beyond the River. This work is a metaphysical essay: “The quest for god within God’s quest for us.”

                I would undertake such spiritual readings to challenge my prayer life as well as life in general.  

October 17, 2002

                Richard Nangle of the Telegram & Gazette staff submitted “Diocese to depose former Sime lawyer.”  Nangle writes: “The Catholic Diocese of Worcester will be taking the deposition next week of a lawyer who once represented a man who claims he was molested by Auxiliary Bishop George E. Rueger. James J. Gribouski of Worcester will be deposed on October. 25th the offices of diocesan lawyer James G. Reardon. Mr. Gribouski represented Sime Braio of Shrewsbury prior to Mr. Braio’s decision to file a lawsuit against both the diocese and Bishop Rueger because of the alleged sexual abuse. Mr. Braio’s current lawyer, Daniel J. Shea, of Houston, said the diocesan effort to depose Mr. Gribouski is inappropriate. Law week, Telegram & Gazette reported Kathleen A. Shaw was subpoenaed n connection with the lawsuit for a November deposition. Ms Shaw has both interviewed the alleged victim and written several news accounts of the lawsuit, which Mr. Shea filed on Mr. Braio’s behalf in July. Mr. Shea said neither Ms. Shaw nor Mr. Gribouski should be deposed. ‘At least on its face, it’s a direct attempt to violate the attorney-client privilege,’ Mr. Shea said. “I’ll be there to protect Mr. Braio’s interests. Newspaper reporters have privilege under the First Amendment and the attorney-client relationship is also privileged,’ he said. ‘We shall just have to see how it plays out.’ “278

                I firs heard on WBZ radio that the Vatican is coming out the next day with response to the Dallas Report. The radio report said she priest must have due process. On CNN (TV) crawl- Vatican says report not in conjunction with canon >aw. My reaction was diverse on the way to an AA meeting being some relief that I was going to attend. The main concern was that I would have been thrown out of the priesthood by being defrocked. I never had any due process. But, here we go on my emotional roller coaster. Another “crawl” on MS NBC- Vatican is concerned about rights of accused priests. The water was over the dam concept and the Vatican is concerned about priest rights? It is a little-long time- late. The story about me was in the newspaper when the allegations were filed in a legal brief. Never was anything else printed that it was “dropped.” This reaction of Rome to the Dallas Report: The acorn is thrown into the bend. Now, watch the squirrels go after it.

                I recalled and did my daily Divine Office (Breviary) with the Psalms. They are an honest way in questioning God. They are refreshingly straight forward in their feelings of anger and hatred. I arbitrarily chose a psalm for one days reading and began listing  some the key words- rebuke, groaning, anguish, death, abandoned, weeping, wasting, grief, weak, foes, evil, ashamed, troubled, pray, deicer. There are truly the songs of the earth and the working’s of the human heart. Somehow it is all there is. Psalms say a lot about how I feel at times. The key in the parish was my ministry in a “Faith community.” The lost of self for the other by being in the other is a form of spirituality. This seems to be one of the significant insights of my stay here in my “cave.” Another key: Prayer is called an image that flows, beginning as a center but instead of control the merited image with a mantra, one invites us there to do one own thing. One “watches” not regulating or interpreting, or analyzing or one feeling on just let the process be but become surgical of the interfacing of self. It may be joy, fear, struggle, anxiety or the problematic impacts one experiences in one’s life.

This type of prayer was helpful because of hearing and reading the Dallas Reports had me reacting with a weakness going trough my body where distancing was a difficulty/ it may be described as an “anxiety attack” that almost derailed me. When I read the early morning newspapers, it continued my “stunned” reactions. In addition, I had a gut feeling of “the fugitive” on the run and did not want to be in public or speak with people that I knew that would want my impute. I realized that I had to stay steady in the midst of such a disturbance. I just had to not lose hope. It was much more affective on me of this Dallas Report than the psychological evaluation, integrations, deposition and media stories (2). I had to recall “One day at a time” in my worrying about what the Church will do with me on all the latest printed matter.  

October 18 2002

                The Associated Press reported Victor L. Simpson wrote “Vatican rejects points on abuse: Rights of clerics concern Rome.” The story written here: “Vatican City- Elements of the toughened sex abuse policy approve by U.S. Roman Catholic bishops have been rejected at the Vatican, which has warned American prelates about going ahead with some reforms, church sources familiar with the Holy See response said yesterday. The Vatican is particularly concerned that some parts of the policy would violate the individual rights of accused clerics now protected under church law, the sources said.”279 

October 19, 2002

                On the front page of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette prints the sorry by Frank Bruni (The New York Times) with this story: “Bishop told to rewrite abuse policy-Vatican says document at odds with church law”: ‘Rome – the Vatican yesterday rejected an aggressive new policy by American bishop to combat child sexual abuse by priests, saying the bishops needed to rewrite portions of it to make the policy conform with the laws of the Roman catholic /Church. The decision, conveyed in a letter to the head of the American bishop’s conference, seemed to represent a significant set-back to Roman Catholic leaders in the United States as they tried to extract the church from a profound crisis and restore American Catholics’ trust in the institution.”280 

October 20, 2002

                The same writer of yesterday- Frank Bruni- wrote this day ““Policy challenged church views: Vatican says bishops depart from custom, ceded authority.” This time he continued the story: “Rome – During the months that Vatican officials pored over the American bishops’ zero-tolerance policy on child sexual abuse, the found much that troubled them, including ways in which they felt that innocent priests might be sacrificed to runaway public suspicion. They worried that priests were being denied the legal safe-guards that other people received and that the policy made no distinction between serious crime and stupid error. But there was also something else that vexed them: It was the way those bishops had, in the eyes of some Vatican officials, ceded their authority and discretion, replacing individual judgment with exacting prescriptions and opening the Roman Catholic Church to scrutiny and censure, from lay people outside its hierarchy. That action, exemplified by the policy’s creation of oversight groups filled with lay people, challenged the church’s view of itself as an institution not temporal but eternal, answering less to exigent circumstances than to longstanding tradition, and compelled to govern itself.”281

                NECN cable TV from Boston had a report with Attorney Eric MacLeish representing 200 victims of seven priests. He was to meet with the judge to set a schedule of court dates. He said he will not accept a settlement on behalf of his clients and would demand a court trail on this. This was the same law firm that had my case, but I was not one of the seven priests mentioned by MacLeish. He was staging for the camera. This was a “mass produced runaway” with all these lawsuits.

I recall thinking how Bishop Rueger had been proclaimed immaculate by the authority- Snow White without the Seven Dwarfs.

Yet, watching CNN this day, they have on the bottom of the screen the “crawl” news report that 15% of priest are gay and 23% of the young clergy are gay. Why this report, now? Cozzens had already published that w “has a gay priesthood.” Therefore these statistics makes one wonder who is reporting what here on TV? 

October 21, 2002

                This is a good one: Mrs. Connie Rivard, my former parish secretary, who I have coffee with at least a couple times a week and who saves me the newspapers to read had this comment: “You could have gone to the parish (St. Edwards) 50^th Anniversary.” I answered her; It not in my hands! What had me wondering where did this come from when she “hit-out” on me this comment. She and I spoke about this number of times. I thought she understood. Now, she made such a remark. Someone had to be giving her another line where she spoke as she did to me. If anyone that had “walked” with me through everything for so many years at the parish would have ever doubted my answer. She knew how much it hurt for me to not take part. So, the thinking kicks in gear. Kilcoyne’s did his cute tricks of getting it out that he “sent an invitation” and had Jack Keena carry a message that he wished I would come. This was where I told Keena: “Fr. Kilcoyne can make a local call to talk about this matter.” Another element of surprise that Rueger was celebrating the Mass where supposedly no one in Westminster knew about this until the week before the Anniversary celebration. Then, Connie said that in 1993 she had spoken to John McKenna and that he told her that he once was a priest and he was not a priest anyone. Yet, according to Connie, he celebrated the Anniversary Mass. It was an interesting “minefield.” Connie made it know to me that McKenna singed the “petition” to have returned to St. Edward’s in 1993. This was a petition that I was not aware-off that Connie spoke to me until about five years after I was removed. But, another character had to be added to the ply- Mrs. Victoria Mitchell.  Vicky was Connie’s “riding partner” for years of being together in twice a week for lunch and grocery shopping. Vicky was an interesting, antagonistic person who was very quick to answer and have abrupt conclusions. She was able to get Connie involved in issues that predominately were negatively orientated. The 50^th was a walking nightmare for me in that I felt that was dammed if I tried and dammed if I didn’t do anything. Well, I went the only route I knew-did nothing.

                In the afternoon (Monday) I received a phone call from “Father Peacock” who had returned Sunday night from his vacation (Study Month or Retreat?). You are not able to pin-point him on this time-off. He switches answers, depending on who he is speaking with.  He began by asking: “What’s new? It was a fishing-call (information). I only said that some religious order priest was returned from Canada for charges on sex-abuse. He responded: “Oh?” Then, he began the digging technique which he had a sharp tongue to do, about me. He said that I was on “that list” The list the Worcester DA received from the Worcester Diocese of priest allegated. I, then, asked him about Fr. Jean-Paul Gagnon, who he was good friends with. He said that the Bishop told him that he sold take a few weeks-off. He was not on “leave” according to him. He, then, told me that Gagnon had gone to his mother’s home. I found out later that this guys mother had been in a “Care Home’ for some time and that there was no “mother’s home.” But, here was the old priest-mother syndrome technique- who’s on first and what is on second. He, continued, in that the bishop supposedly told Gagnon that here was something “fishy about this (allegations).” He proceeded to say that the bishop was looking at this because of the lawyer. This was making sense. Next, “Father Peacock” hit me, again, with an angry statement: “You’re on the list!” What I had to realize was that Fr. Jean-Paul was on a ‘buddy system” with “Father Peacock.” This was where I notice him pitching and growing angry in our conversation.  Was he so nervous and becoming angry because he could have been next to be allegated? I should have told him: “I’m on the other side of the bridge. People that are this side are not all bad or guilty. There are some good and some not good on each side of this allegation bridge. Some people have walked across this bridge and some had been catapulted across it.

                I received another call this afternoon from Dee of Dr. Zeman’s office to change my next appointment. My mind starting racing in my usual manner of something must be going on between his office and the Worcester Chancery. I still had to realize “STOP.” If any situation would have been developing that I had the “tools” to handle my situation with a dignified and professional manner. Besides, I was water over the dam overall in the eyes of Worcester Chancery besides watching if I would during- again. It is a sad commentary of allowing this type of attitude to prevail. But, I cherished my priesthood above it all. So, Thaddeus- Use your “tools you have in the tool box.” Another thought I pulled-up was that in my restlessness, I realized that I was impatient, full of re-occupations and self suspicion. I, also, had an awareness form Sacred Scripture of Is. 30: 15: “Thus says the lord: Wait and calm shall save your saved. In quiet trust lies your strength.” I hoped for life. 

October 24, 2002

                This day we read in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette “Judge rules lawyer in Rueger suit can be deposed.” Richard Namgle writes” “Worcester- A motion to stop tomorrow’s scheduled deposition of lawyer James J. Gribouski in connection what a lawsuit against the Catholic diocese and Auxiliary Bishop George E. Rueger was denied yesterday by Superior Court Judge Daniel Toomey. Daniel J. Shea, the lawyer for Sime Braio of Shrewsbury, who says that as a teenager he was Sodom sized by Bishop Rueger, had tried to block an effort by the Catholic Dicoese of Worcester to take the deposition of Mr. Gribouski, Mr. Braio’s former lawyer. Mr. Gribouski will be deposed at the offices of diocesan lawyer James B. Reardon. Mr. Shea told Judge Toomey that he believed the deposition of Mr. Gribouski would violate the lawyer-client privilege. The ruling leaves open the possibility that tomorrow’s deposition could be the subject of another court hearing. Mr. Shea vowed that he will not allow Mr. Gribouski to say anything in his deposition that violates his association with Mr. Braio.”282

                Now, here is another issue of interest that continues with most stories that appear in the local secular and religious newspapers: There are no follow-up stories or anything else printed. Period. (Like what happened?) 

October 25, 2002

                The National Catholic Reporter reports “Canon law society probes issues of justice, due process at annual convention.” Margaret Gabriel of Cincinnati writes: “IN the aftermath of the clergy sex abuse scandals and the U.S. bishops’ Dallas response, a number of Catholic organizations are finding their agendas shaped by the events of the day. Perhaps none has been called on to grapple with the ramification of priests’ removal, spelled out in the bishops’ norms and charter, more than the Canon Law Society of America. The 1,500-member society, which includes both male and female canon lawyers, held its annual convention in Cincinnati Oct. 7-10. A major focus of the convention was a closed-to-the-press ‘Presidential Hearing on Sexual Misconduct.’ The hearing was open only to members of the association in order to avoid ‘distraction,’ according to Fr. Patrick Lager, the society’s press officer and a member of its board of governors. Lager said the hearing, also described as a listening session was requested by member so the society might determine now best to respond to the crisis of sexual abuse by clergy and church personnel…In the meantime, ‘what we can do best as a society is maintain our commitment to educating people concerning rights and what processes are already in place,’ said Fr. Lawrence O’Keefe, the society’s vice president Due process and confidentiality are two areas of concern, O’Keefe said, as well as the idea that ‘zero tolerance’ mean? What are the implications?’ McKenna emphasized that the current concern is the implementation of the present law, ‘and to make sure that we’re all on the same page and that all rights are preserved.’ The Difference between canon law, bases in Roman law, and civil law with its basis in English common law, is one of the points of educating, said Franciscan Fr. Arthur Espelage, the society’s executive coordinator. ‘The goal of civil law is justice; the goal of canon law is truth,’ Espelage said. ‘Sometimes the two overlap completely, but the may not.’ “283

                Another coffee this day with “Father Peacock” that opened my eyes to be very wide: We had spoken some time back about parts of my experience of the 50^th Anniversary celebration. He was angry in his conversation by saying that if I attended and someone in the congregation called me a pedophile with Bishop Rueger being the principal celebrant, I would have pointed towards Rueger and said: He is the pedophile with the “hat (miter) that has a P on it.” This type of thinking was never in my mind. But, this guy flips it out in an angry fashion. It was very strange and even to a degree shocking to even hears if it was supposed to be humors. Humorous it was not. This had me wonder how in 1993 where Fr. Jack Kelley asked me if there was a sex-ring in Worcester Diocese. I wondered when I heard such remarks. It was scary to be around such people.

                Such experience had me driven in curiosity. I wanted to know how this and that had overall in my surroundings. I had found that I wanted to know and realized that I had to do research by reading, talking with specific people and write my thoughts. For me, the act of writing has been and is an act of learning. As a man on “semi-retirement”, I see the world recede. No one needs me any more. So I have to stand on my own feet. This will be a time for a good objective, for that goal that is seemingly so far away from me. I  knew too well how hard it is to live without being needed, be wanted, being asked, being know, being admired and being praised. But what happened. Without a job, I was soon forgotten. People, ad hoped would come and visit me didn’t come; friends I expected to invite me remained silent. Fellow priests whom I thought world ask me to visit Not being able to celebrate a faith community Mass and preach was not in the cards; as my surroundings had pretty well responded as if I was no longer around. The irony was that I always wanted to be alone to work, but when I was finally left alone, I couldn’t work and started to become more angry, sour, hateful, bitter and complaining. It had shown me that being alone does not necessarily lead to inner peace and solitude of heart but can cause resentment and bitterness.  

October 28, 2002

                Now we get in the Sentinel & Enterprise “Vatican goes soft on priest pedophiles” by Bill Press (Tribune Media Services). He writes: “The pope just doesn’t get it. If he were ever any need for proof that the hierarchical Catholic Church is out of touch with reality, and out of step with most Catholics, thee is no longer. The evidence came this week: cold, cruel and calculating. Forced to choose between child victims and adult molesters, the Church sided with molesters-simply because they were priests. Remember how it all started? First came reports of hundreds priests who had abused their power to take sexual advantage of young boys. Then, word that most of the crimes had gone unpunished, because bishops refused to report them to authorities. Instead they simply moved errant priests from on e parish to the next…”284

                This same day we get Newsweek pub lash a picture of Archbishop Gregory with Pope John Paul II at a table with Gregory talking entitled- The Verdict. The article in this issue by Kenneth L. Woodward entitled “Close, But No Cigar: the Vatican pushes back the U. S. plan on sex abuse.” It states: Fashioned  in haste and high emotional jest, the U.S. Roman Catholic bishops’ plan for dealing with sexually abusive priests-sent to Rome for approval four months ago-got the Vatican’s response last week: good start, but no cigar. In a letter to Bishop Wilton Gregory, president of the U. S. hierarch, Vatican lawyers faulted the plan for failing to provide equal protections and due process for priests accused of molesting minors. Moreover, wrote Cardinal Gianbattista Re, head of the Vatican’s Congregation for Bishops, the American plan suffers from ‘vague’ and ‘imprecise’ terminology leaving to ‘confusion’ and ‘ambiguity,’ making some of the provisions ‘difficult to reconcile with the universal law of the church.”285

                Nothing changed for anyone by such a response from Rome- smoking mirrors on all involved parties.  

October 30, 2002

                I received a copy of Church watch which is a newsletter of Call-To-Action. The October issue printed “Doyle: Cross stems from ‘unbridled addiction to power.’ It stated: “Tom Doyle, O.P., was a canon lawyer at the Vatican Embassy in Washington D.C. in 1985 when he co-authored a report to the U.S. bishops that advised them too confront clergy sex abuse in the church. He will address the CTA (Call-to-Action) National Conference in Nov. 1. Here are portions of his take July 20 at Voice of the Faithful in Boston: “What we have experienced in our lifetime is a disaster the horror of which is perhaps equaled by the bloodshed of the inquisition but which certainly makes the Indulgence scam of the Reformation pale by comparison. For years, the rape and pillage of children, adolescents and young people in our midst has been allowed to go on. Why? Since the first public explosion in our era in 1984 people high and low have been looking for answers. I submit that the sexual abuse disgrace has been a symptom of a deeper and much more pervasive and destructive malady: the fallacy of clericalism. The primary symptoms of this disease are the delusion that the clergy, especially as they crawl higher on this ladder, somehow above the rest, deserve of unquestioned privilege, the keepers of our salvation, the guarantors of salvation, and the guarantors of our favor with the lord. But the deadliest symptoms of all are the unbridled addiction to power. The horror of the sex abuse phenomenon cannot be adequately described or measured. No public apologies, no policy statements, no widespread purges will come close to repairing the immeasurable damage done to the emotions and the souls of the victims and survivors and indeed the whole community. Out of this disaster has emerged a solid , gleaming hoe, the realization that we must have a deep, probing and painful scrutiny of the governmental system that caused this to happen, and we must have a real change…”286

                It seems that Doyle’s theme of “addiction to power” has been my overall topic of discussion in my journaling. One has to live in this system to realize the issue of power and authority that is established by clericalism. The state of the laity and the spirit of Vatican II are far from implementation of the Church that Pope John XXIII proclaimed in the opening address of the Second Vatican Council. Doyle was more on target in stating” “the fallacy of clericalism.”

                My thoughts of late had the “fear buckets” being filled. I was thinking of the re-election of DA Conte  and hearing from a priest: “Ted, your on that list (allegated). “ the recalling how Fr. Picclomini did call me to inform me that Bishop Reilly was sending my name into the DA’s Office. Then he had to comment: “You’re beyond the statue of limitations. Bye.” He was gone.

                I was thinking about hearing of late, things as: Here is a scope. It seemed this term was being used in considering oneself as a work in progress for a spectacular roll-over. Another phrase f the time: You can’t make this (it) up! How true. Many things that one heard that were made for TV were a 30 second sequence. Usually, the end of story and peoples’ carriers. 

November 1, 2002

                Clergy talk (gossip) had it that Bishop Reilly has had the entire priest (7) allegated since January into the Chancery to “sign-off” there parishes. Wonder about this because Reilly operates in a different fashion than this rumor seems to indicate.

                Then I hear "Father Peacock" telling me that he had three boys from his parish cemetery crew driving down to his lake house to do some raking. This, according to him, was a complete surprise to him. My immediate reaction was how they got the parish cemetery truck to go to his place. Then, the issue of the media and all of late, was it something anyone with a collar having done. I even wondered if this even happened. It may have been one of those stories that he is notorious on doing to change directions or spotlight to another issue. Then he switched his discussion to the issue of getting a handicapped ramp at his church and the “problems” involved in building it. This had to be really working on his psyche. The mind of this is so deceptive and weird.

                I’ve notice in my place that my phone has no rung for two day’s It is all speculation that with St. Edward’s 50^th Anniversary over with, the phone lines and wonderment had subsided.

                The evening news on Ch. #5 with Natalie Jacobson reports on sex abuse scandal with the Vatican releasing the policy on this issue. She reports that there is a 10 year limitation, tribunal involvement and the Vatican “Didn’t get it.” That’s Nat. Would she ever realizes that the American Bishops’ were throwing the priests in front of an oncoming bus.

                With all the media coverage on the Vatican reply and commentaries had me thinking own what the local bishops (Reilly, Rueger, and Harrington) are concerned about in what I may say publicly: “guilty till proven innocent” with Harrington, Frank Manning, George Rueger, and Paul Foley story drunken stupors with even beating me up. That is my story and not what the Vatican was trying to handle.

                Then I had to hear the story that Rueger gave a talk  at the annual Catholic Ministry convention where he said that the Apostles were not know by their preaching or martyrdom, but because they loved each other. A nice little comment made by Rueger or was this new direction of change for the hierarchical church in the diocese?  

November 2, 2002

                The New York Times gives us this story “Abuse priests to face tribunal: Vatican session revises policy” which reports: “A panel of Vatican officials and American Catholic leaders will create church tribunals for priests accused of sexual abuse, adding several steps before a priest can be permanently remove from the ministry, a panel member said yesterday. The official, Bishop William E. Lori of Bridgeport, Conn., said in an interview the tribunals were one of several measures the panel approved this week in Rome in an effort to revise the zero-tolerance policy American bishops approved in June in Dallas. Last month, the Vatican refused to accept the policy. Critics sad it contradicted canon law and did not give accused priest due process. The eight church leaders on the panel, accompanied by church and civil lawyers, rewrote the policy in 10 hours of meeting last week at the Vatican. The details of the changes were made available yesterday. The revised rules or norms will be mandatory for all American dioceses if the American bishops approve them at their meeting from Nov. 11 to Nov. 14 in Washington and the Vatican grants the policy full recognition. Lori and other church leaders knowledgeable about the revisions insisted the panel made just minor changes and succeeded in preserving the American bishops’ commitment to seep all abusers from the priesthood.”287

                In my reading of this, I found that the norms or rules that supposedly were used against me had to points of reference: 1. No new spoke to me about any canonical procedure 2. Due process was never given to me. Overall, nothing was told me what my status was (Administrative Leave) nor written to me about my allegations. If anything, it would have been under alcoholism which would had me under the same issue as Bishop Harrington’s situation. However, Harrington was the hierarchy and part of the Worcester Chancery Mob that continued with Bishop Reilly- protects the bishop-whoever- at all cost. Forget any other ordained cleric. One line that I had hear that the latest group of priest allegated were given “early retirement packages with full benefits, where I was under Bishop Harrington. But, one must be reminded that I “resigned my pastorship” under the reign of Bishop Reilly. So, we are back to: “Who is on first and what is on second.” 

November 3, 2002

                I read in my spiritual reading: “The real pain is the pain that I dined in god, who allowed all of earth’s suffering to enter into his divine intimacy (love). The experience of God’s presence is most void of pain. But the pain is so deep that you do not want to miss it since it is the pain that the joy of God’s presence can be tested. This seems close to nonsense exempt in the sense that is beyond sense, and therefore hard to capture within the limits of human understanding... The experience of God’s unifying presence is an experience in which the distinction between joy and pain seems to be transcended and in which the beginning of a new life is intimated.” I read this from The Genesee Diary: Report from a Trappist Monastery by Henri J. M. Nouwen. 

November 4, 2002

                Bipasha Ray, from the Associated Press gives us in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette “Law admits to some wrong decisions: Cardinal acknowledges victims suffering.” He reports: “Boston-Cardinal Bernard F. Law acknowledged yesterday that some of his decisions regarding priests were wrong, and said he has a ‘far deeper awareness of this terrible evil’ of clergy sexual abuse than he did 10 months ago, when the scandal first broke. Victims of abuse, with whom Law recently met, urged him to speak out ‘more publicly and frequently.’ And he agreed to do so, saying at Mass at the Cathedral of the Holy Cross that he was trying to ‘honor the spirit’ of that meeting. ‘As I have listened personally to the stores of men and women who have endured such abuse, I have learned that some to these consequences include lifelong struggles with alcohol and drug abuse, depression, difficulty in maintaining relationships and sadly , suicide,’ he said. ‘I acknowledge my own responsibility for decisions which led to intense suffering.’ Law has long been under pressure to speak more openly about the crisis and to meet with victims. He has recently emerged from virtual seclusion, meeting this past week with a group of alleged sexual abuse victims of the late Rev. Joseph E. Birmingham. That meeting came shortly after archdiocese officials met with leaders of the Catholic reform group Voice of the Faithful, whom Law has largely shunned, then later said Law will meet privately ate future date with the group. Law said yesterday he never meant to assign priests to positions  where they could endanger children, but ‘the fact of the meeting remains that I did assign priests who had committed sexual abuse,’ he said in his comments, copies of which the archdiocese provided to the media. He recounted that several positive experiences in his life were influenced by priests in whom he placed a deep trust. ‘One of the insidious consequences of the sexual abuse of a child by a priest is the recapturing of that sacred trust,’ he said.”288 

November 5, 2002

                This day The Boston Globe exports “Vatican undercuts U.S. bishops’ abuse policy: Policy would not require reporting.” The story states: “A special commission of U.S. cardinals and Vatican officials appears to have significantly undercut the clergy sexual abuse policy approved by American bishops in June by eliminating a requirement that church officials report allegations of abuse to civil authorities. The U.S. bishops, meeting in Dallas, enacted a Charter for the Protection of children and Young People that said any diocese ‘will report to the public authorities any allegation of sexual abuse of person who is currently a minor.’ Revisions to the policy proposed by the special commission and released yesterday do away with that mandate…”289 

November 6, 2002

                I read this day by The Associated Press “Vatican drafting priest-to-be rules: Seminaries reportedly will ban gays.” It states: Vatican City- The Vatican said yesterday it is drafting new guidelines for accepting candidates for the priesthood that will address the question of whether gays should be barred. The brief statement by the Vatican’s press office gave no indication what the conclusion may be, despite new reports that the document will include directives against the admission of homosexuals. Vatican congregations have been studying the issue for several years, and the question has received attention after the clerical sex abuse scandal in the United States…”290 

November 7, 2002

Kathleen A. Shaw reports in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette “Bishop, Voice of Faithful is talking.” She reports: “Worcester-Bishop Daniel P. Reilly has agreed to enter into a working relationship with Voice of the Faithful, a group of Catholic lay people and priests who want to work for some changes in the church while remaining faithful to their Catholic radiation. Specifics of how this will work out are still under discussion, but agreement has been reached on some hey areas. Susan Black, spokeswoman for the organization, and Raymond L. Delisle, diocesan spokesman, in a joint statement said that the bishop has ‘agreed to specific diocesan contact with VOTF representatives/ beginning with the new Office for Healing and Prevention. Discussion will center on how member of VOTF can work with the office. Patricia O’Leary Engdahl, who heads that office, will speak at the Nov. 20 Worcester Diocese VOTF meeting. Bishop Reilly names Mr. Delisle to be liaison between his office and VOTF for sharing information. He also has invited VOTF representatives to meet with Monsignor Louis Permarini of the collaborative for Ministry and Education to discuss the planning process for the new Diocesan Pastoral council proposed by the bishop. VOTF members favor the idea of the pastoral council and said they want to be involved in planning for the council…”291

I was watching the 5:30 p.m. on Ch #5 Boston. Three stories on church sexual abuse reports. It hit me, again, with a weak feeling because of the fear issue and my stinking thinking of what is going to happen next, even if Bishop Reilly told me in January: “You are in full membership with the diocese/” It was not a good ride to my regular Thursday night AA- Step meeting.

                What didn’t help with this “stinken thinking” was what about the priest that had a tyrannical prelate as Bishop Harrington. A very interesting summary was to out of sight, out of mind issue. I had to face the issue of Harrington telling me you’re “guilty till proven innocent.” Then Bishop Rueger telling the St. Edward’s Congregation at Confirmation that “you (Confirmation Candidates) don’t have to listen to Fr. Kardas.) Plus calling me “odd” in an article of the local newspaper.

                Another peculiar factor was being a pastor in Westminster as a Catholic Pastor in a Republican Parish- Vote in November ’02 election for Romney (Republican) at 1893 votes to O’Brien (Democrat) with 971 votes. I was teaching and preaching “mystagogy” aspect of doing something Christian in action in conjunction with Social Doctrine of the Catholic Church. It just would not fit.  

November 8, 2002

                In my readings, it seems to be indicating that the American bishops are saying that Rome’s reaction would cause “pantomime” on the American scene that the alleged priest have rights with the 10 years statue of limitations which must not be nullified. This may have been the reason that Reilly was commenting to me in my January meeting of his comment: “You have behaving yourself.” Who really knows?

                I had coffee with "Father Peacock" this morning. He was chopping-at-the-bits about attending the area Deanery meeting the past Monday. Bishop Reilly was in attendance, so it was command performance in attendance. I had to realize that the comments were strictly "Father Peacock.” He made sure that he told me that he sat next to Bishop Reilly which was predictable with this guy. So, he began the roll (conversation) telling me that one pastor, who is always gone on vacations (10-12 weeks a year) and was in Florida-retreat? This is the guy who is everyday on the golf course. This was never a problem with the chancery in that they were very much aware of what everyone was doing. But, it was who you were issue with the “down town” chancery gang. Another pastor had the talking jag before and after the meeting, out of hearing range of Bishop Reilly on his dynamic insights of Canon Law, Cardinal Law and the priest situation in Boston Archdiocese. This priest was described as the “usual talk, talk and talk.” He is known as the “Flapper.” Then I ad to hear that Bishop Reilly spoke to the group that the Worcester Telegram & Gazette was “trash and garbage.” Then the bishop spoke to the priest about the diocese handling the sex abuse scandal situation in general. "Father Peacock" would not give me any specifics because I did challenge him to tell me some of Reilly’s points on this topic. Fr. Picclomini (Vicar for Clergy) drove the bishop but nothing during the whole meeting. The bishop supposedly spoke about VOTF (Voice of the Faithful) and what the diocese planned to do with this group in dialogue. "Father Peacock" told me that he would not have anything to do with this group. In addition, the bishop said that there was “no such thing as an ‘Administrative Leave’ in Canon Law.” I was not sure why "Father Peacock" three this into the conversation for getting me upset because of my particular situation or whatever. Bishop Reilly made a comment that he was not responsible or pleases with the priest list in SNAP- Worcester Diocese. Then Reilly spoke that alleged priest are charge by-the-hour with lawyers. Yet, supposedly Reilly mentioned a “double standard” comment and didn’t explain it according to "Father Peacock" when I questioned him about that phrase. As I mentioned in the beginning that this was all "Father Peacock" talking and insights.

                After this coffee, I wondered is I would ever hear from Fr. Rochford (Bishop’s liaison for allegated priest.) or anyone else. It was as though I was at one time a stone in the shoe of the diocese and now I was not even that. 

November 9, 2002

                Today, we read “Church abuse revision elicits anger” by Kathleen A. Shaw in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette. It reads: “Worcester-The revision recently made by a panel of American and Vatican bishops demonstrates the gap in understanding between church leaders and the victims of clerical sexual abuse. Church leaders are generally pleased with the result, maintaining that the national sexual abuse policy adopted by the bishops last June in Dallas is essentially intact. The victims, however, see it as another way the institutional church is working to undercut their search for justice. Among revisions cited by people interviewed this week are the retune of secret church tribunals to try accused priests and the creation of a 10-yer statute of limitations in which people can make allegations about priests. ‘Everything we have seen so far only reinforces our commitment to the protection of children,’ said Raymond L. Delisle, spokesperson for the Worcester diocese. The local diocese will continue to follow state law, which requires that priests and other church workers report suspected abuse of children to the state Department of Social services; he said…Mr. Ledu said the policy requires no accountability to civil authorities and he questioned what other institutions could ever get away with that. The church’s ‘arrogance in the matter is abysmally behind the times,’ he said. ‘This new policy is absurdly inadequate. Essentially nothing has changed. It is nothing more than a Band-Aid for a large gaping and festering wound,’ he said. ‘Policy tango,’ is what Timothy Staney called the revised policy. Mr. Staney, who alleges he was sexual abuses by Raymond Tremblay, a religious education teacher, and the Rev. Jean-Paul Gagnon, said the new policy is ‘another attempt to fool the public faithful into thinking they are actually doing something about the problem when they are still maintaining emotions control of the victims of sexual abuse through repression and silence and the false promise of pastoral help through these proposed tribunals. Their goal, Mr. Staney said is to ‘turn public opinion against the victims.’ The statue of limitation of age 28 serves to protect ‘the Catholic corporation and not the victims,’ he said. There are many good priests out there doing their jobs and not abusing children, but they also are affected by the church’s policies, Mr. Staney said. The church should be removing the ‘offender priests’ so that confidence is restores to all the priests. He also criticized the church’s condemnation of homosexual priests who ‘do their work and do not most children…’ “292

                The Worcester Telegram & Gazette also reported an Association Press story “Abuse panel workload goes up.” This AP story reports: “Springfield- A lay panel created a decade ago by the Roman Catholic Diocese of Springfield to investigate allegations of misconduct by church workers says its business has increased sharply. Chairman James Bell told the Union-News in Springfield the misconduct commission has received 35 complaints in the past nine months. The allegations, which in some cases date back decades, involved 24 church workers most of them priests. Over the previous three years the commission had handled four complaints, Bell said. He told the newspaper that he is now concerned about the time it takes to investigate cases. ‘We are not acting in a timely fashion,” he said adding it sometimes takes nearly two months to resolve a complaint. Bishop Thomas Dupre has removed at least five priests from active ministry on the panel’s recommendation. Three other priests have been exonerated by the commission.”293

                The question that is begged: What about the alleged priest and his defense?  God forbid, if there would be any cross-examination.  

November 10, 2002

                The editorial page of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette entitled “Undercutting reform: Church panel erred on reports of abuse.” It states: “A special commission of U. S, Catholic cardinals and bishops, and Vatican officials regrettably has eliminated a requirement that church officials report allegations of child sexual abuse to civil authorities from a policy approved by American bishops in June…The commission proposal to do away with the mandate undercuts the progress that has been made since the child sexual-abuse scandals erupted earlier this year. It also fuels the perception that the church hierarchy’s priority continues to be to avoid public scandal rather than to protect children-a perception bases on years of mistaken church policy now acknowledged by Cardinal Bernard F. Law and other church leaders…The commission’s decision is a retreat toward the mind-set that pedophilia is moral lapse rather than a serious civil crime. If the hierarchy, policy fails to require that sexual predators be held accountable under civil law as well as church rules, the church’s credibility on these issue-among victims of abuse, their families and the public at large-will suffer.294 (Rome more experienced than a “witch-hunt”?) 

November 12, 2002

                On the local news on WEIM-AM Fitchburg at the 6:00 a.m. report carried a story that a group from Boston was releasing a list of 600 priests alleged since 1996. This list had priest that had allegations that were even “falsely charged.” It gave me that empty feeling in my stomach (anxiety). I became weak and thought how-here we go again Yesterday for instance had MSNBC saying before the Bishops’ meeting that the revision was protecting priests’ rights by stating: New discipline policy protects priestly rights.

                I found in my reading the book: Goodbye, Good Men: How Liberals Brought corruption in the Catholic Church by Michael S. Rose (2002). He had a chapter entitled “Gay Culture.” Rose wrote about a predominately a significantly gay environment commonly experiences chronic destabilization, a common symptom of which is self-doubt. He continued that a disproportionate number of gays have an intense and often threatening atmosphere to live in. He specially mentions the seminary of St. Mary’s in Baltimore being know as the “Pink Palace.” This is where Bishop Reilly is on the Board of Directors for this seminary. Oh? My cousin John Bish attended this seminary where he had stories that he shared with me about what Michael S. Rose book entails. This was the same seminary that a parishioner of St. Edward’s, Westminster studied for the priesthood- Steve Geeme.

                So reading Michael S. Rose’s work, I did not understand fully at that time how predominately a significantly gay environment existed in the local priesthood which commonly experienced chronic destabilization that was so common symptom of which there was self-doubt in my ministry. I was not able to verbalize my experiences in ministry with a gay sub-culture that was intensified and often with threatening atmosphere to live in. One question that the priest were constantly asking and watching: Who are you priest friends? I didn’t hang around with anyone specially.  I didn’t sit in the rectory either but was “on the streets” talking and involved  with parishioners and their daily lives-celebrating, teaching, visiting by laughing and crying and being the Word in the midst of the People of God. I was not part of the clerical culture and that would be used against me in the future. The intensity and often threatening atmosphere was nerve raking.

                Yet, I kept hope in my heart. I recall reading Pope John Paul II state: “I have seen enough evidence to be unshakably convinced that no difficulty, no fear is so great that it can completely suffocate the hope that spring eternal in the hearts of the young.”

                These words of the Pope gave me continued hope since my ordination with a spirit of the Second Vatican Council. I hoped in a spirit and gradually realized that it was a dream that was being suffocated by the clerical system’s life of prestige and safe lifestyle. I never did see myself in such a clerical state. I was still young and had hoped that what I learned and continued to study of renewal was idealism. I still believed that all I had in my background was still possible. This was my hope.

                One example was of my education towards ordination was ministering in a give-and-take atmosphere on issues and develop an atmosphere for discussion of all sides of issues on the grounds that open debate would make faith and the Church stronger. This exited for a short period to time, but power and authority of a pre-Vatican II model and prevailed as hardening of wax of a candle. I still had hope.

                I re-read a “prayer card” from my first Mass celebration fro Fr. Karl Rarhner- theologian: the priest is not an angel sent from heaven. He is a man chosen from among men, a member of the church, a Christian. Remaining man and Christian, he begins to speak to you the word of god. This word is not his own. No, he comes to you because god has told him to proclaim god’s word. Perhaps he has not entirely understood it himself. Perhaps he adulterates it. But he believes, and despite his fears he knows that he must communicate god’s word to you. For must not some one of us say something about god, about eternal life, about the majesty of grace in our sanctified being; must not some one of us speak of sin, the judgment and mercy of god? So my dear friends pray for him, carry him so that he might be able to sustain others by bringing to them the mystery of goes’ love revealed in Christ Jesus. (This was how this card was printed- no capital letters.) 

November 13, 2002

                I was watching national news on NBC which reported the American bishops voted on their revised sex abuse document: 247 for and 7 against with 6 abstain.  The reported that a person had up to the age of 28 to report the allegation. The priest would be punished by removal from the “active ministry,” but not defrocked on “one abuse.” The report said that the bishops gave-in to the Vatican. Priest was to be allowed to go before a “committee” (whitewash).

                I had questions: What about a clergy witch hunt? What “priest rights” was the Vatican speaking about? What about lawsuits? What about any reaction of “slaughtered clergy.” What was all this going down with now? I should write an 800 word essay as Andy Rooney does each week for 60 minutes.

                So then what followed were the victims and advocate groups saying the bishops broke promises earlier made to them this year. I was putting things into perspective and realized there was nothing different being done in the Worcester Diocese or around the country. Therefore, what broke promised on the part of the bishops towers victims was not kept?

                Then I had to hear from "Father Peacock" that was his typical head game with me. He had to say that I had $80,000 to $100,000 to fight in court?  He then followed-up that there are six national cases of priest suing for “defamation of character.” I asked him what his source was. As usual, he would not tell me because it was his own story that he was relating. It was a ping-pong game, again. We talked about a few other issues and I mentioned that the Deanery most likely would elect Fr. Kilcoyne for the next Dean. He reacted by saying that this would fall under a new bishop. "Father Peacock" is plotting for his position because he needed the lamplight of the Presbyter Meetings in Worcester with the bishop. This may be hard to believe because most priests would not be bothered. But, this guy is one that cherishes such an experience to an unbelievable level. He was back at me about “the list” that the bishop sent to the Worcester DA. This was his mental game of retaliation for something I may have said or something else bothering him in his parish. One never knew with this guy. He even produced the notorious commit on his part: “You will never be in active ministry or parish, again.” I knew this from 1993. This time he added: “You are the only one that would be able to attend Fr. Kerrigan’s Mss at the Ramada Inn, Auburn.” This time he had a red face and speaking with anger and snapping statement. I asked what the “double standard” meant in the Worcester Diocese.  He pumped-out that there is one policy for priest and another for bishops (Bishop Rueger) and Monsignor Foster (Boston).  He then had to impress on me, his insight on how DA Conte won his re-election because of support of Bishop Reilly by 5,000 votes. He had to finish it off that the other candidate was in favor of changing the statue of limitations on sex abuse. This was a real dig on his part towards me because he herd that my case was beyond the statue of limitations. The only thing I wondered was why did I even speak to such a character and even let his comments stay in my thoughts. He was my only contact with the diocesan pries but I realized that he arterial motives in his talking with me. This had been happening for some period of time previous to this latest “rock-and-roll” exchange.  

November 14, 2002

                Rachel Zoll of The Associated Press submitted: “Wary bishops approve policy on sex abuse: Vatican still must give its OK.” He writes: “Washington- U.S. Roman Catholic bishops overwhelmingly approved a compromise sex abuse policy yesterday after the Vatican demanded they make changes to balance fairness to priest with compassion for victims. Weary of scandal, bishops hoped the new plan would restore there credibility after 10 months of revelations that church leaders have sheltered molesters in the clergy. Victims and some rank-and-file Catholics were dissatisfied and pledged to fight on for greater accountability from bishops. The Vatican still must approve the policy to make it church law, and therefore binding on the bishops, but the revisions were worked out with officials from the Holy See. U.S. prelates are certain the comment will receive Vatican approval.”295 

November 15, 2002

                Kathleen A. Shaw writes in these mornings Worcester Telegram & Gazette “Bishop offers church trails to seven priests.” She writes: “Worcester-Bishop Daniel P. Reilly said last night that the seven priests he removed from ministry this year for alleged sexual misconduct will be offered a chance to be tries before a church tribunal. The tribunal can either clear them of the charges or find that the abuse did occur. ‘They are hanging out there in limbo right now,’ the bishop said. ‘In a sense, justice will be done…’  (Bagley, Walsh, Devlin, Inzerillo-out than in, Coonan, Bartlett, Messier) 296

                All these priest were history. But, I heard that Bishop Reilly gave them a deal they could not refuse- retirement financial packet with benefits and increments. I never was told nothing or talked too about anything of a packet- just isolated.

                The National Catholic Reporter gives us “Revisions level unanswered questions: Critics call changes to bishops ex abuse norms a retreat from Dallas.” John L. Allen, Jr. writes: “Analysis say that significant patches to go remain after an eight-member commission composed of four Vatican and for U.S. bishops revealed its revisions to the Dallas norms governing sexual abuse by priests Nov. 4. Whether the revisions amount to a retreat from zero tolerance, and what will now happen to the some 300 priests removed from ministry since June, hangs on what the landscape looks like when, and if, that fog eventually lifts. Among the questions: What criteria will bishops and their lay review boards use to determine which acts qualify as ‘external objectivity grave violates of the Sixth Commandment’ triggering permanent removal from ministry” (In the Catechism of the Catholic Church in the section on the Sixth Commandment, ‘You shall not commit adultery,’ is a section headed ‘other offenses’ that link ‘sexual abuse perpetrated by adults on children entrusted to their care’ with adultery.) / How will the Vatican determine which ‘appropriate pastoral motive’ justify granting a waiver form the canonical statute of limitations for sexual abuse? / To what extent will bishops now be obligated to report accusations of sexual abuse to civil authorities? Bishop Wilton Gregory, president of the U.S. bishops conference, issued a statement saying that the commission “substantially confirmed the decisions made’ in Dallas. Victims’ advocates were immediately critical. ‘It’s worse than we feared.’ David Clohessy of the survivors Network for those Abused by Priests told NCR Nov. 6. ‘It’s a pretty wholesale retreat from Dallas and I think it’s very disingenuous of the bishops to claim otherwise…”297

                Another article in the National Catholic Reporter but Fr. Richard P. McBrien “Vatican does right thing for wrong reason.” He wrote: “Sometimes people do the right thing for the wrong reason. To some extent at least the Vatican’s official response to the U.S. Catholic bishops’ ‘Charter for the Protection of Children and Young People,’ adopted at last June’s meeting in Dallas, falls into this category. Although there was  nothing said explicitly in Cardinal Giovanni RE’s letter to the bishops about the lay-dominated review boards that are to be established in each diocese (the national review board has already been constituted under the chairmanship of Gov. Frank Keating of Oklahoma), that seems to be one of the sources of the Vatican’s concern. Its worry is that in the Dallas charter the U.S. bishops ceded too much of their authority to the laity. If allowed to stand, some of the charter provisions would, in their mind, alters the hierarchical structure of the church. This was the tenor of some of the comments reported in The New York Times a day or tow after the Vatican’s response way made public. The bishops ‘are dealing with the matter as if they don’t understand who they are,’ one unnamed official told the Times. ‘Who they are,’ means according to this ecclesiology, men with God-given authority limited only by that of the pope himself. The pope’s authority, in turn, is supreme and absolute, accounting to no one else-except the Lord-and the Lord had not public venue in which to express any views by the contrary.” 298

                Then we get from the Catholic Free Press on the front page “Bishop Reilly: Diocesan policy may need updating.” It stated: “The Worcester diocesan Policy on the Sexual Abuse of minors that was updated in May will need some small changes, if the Vatican accept new forms approved by U.S. bishops Wednesday. The question of what comes next for a priest who has been placed on administrative leave is clearly delineated in the new norms. The next step is a canonical trail to determine the canonical status of a priest, said Msgr. F. Stephen Pedone, diocesan judicial vicar and vicar for canonical affairs, speaking form the U.S. bishops’ fall meeting in Washington, D.C.”299

                My fear buckets had to kicked-over again. It was not a day-this Friday. I was told by a classmate from Boston: “They (Worcester Chancery) don’t like you.” I was reacting to stories being circulated that there the Church Tribunal was going to have “convicted trails.” This was where I had an upset stomach and fear working through my system. There was that fear of what next with me being alone, the loneliness issue of no one to talk with or giving me a call. It was, actually, what I had experienced from 1993-1995. But, I had by now developed the technique of offering the prayer: Come Holy Spirit! This was said for strength to face the immediate situation. I had lost any spunk to defend myself. I was beginning to believe that I was ‘odd’ but not in Rueger’s projection. But, I had to renew myself into thinking that anything can be a great story as my experience had been if it is told right.

                I was, also speaking with Mrs. Leola Leger by phone. She said: “When Bishop Rueger said that you were ‘odd’ in the March ’95 Worcester Telegram & Gazette article about you that he was right. You are heterosexual and Rueger is not. So, if you are too gay, you are ‘odd.’ “ 

November 16, 2002

                "Father Peacock" called me and continued with his bashing style by telling me that there is a push to get rid of the statue of limitations in the state. This time, I only listened, and had my automatic door bell by my hand. I pushed the button and told him that I had to be excused because there was someone at my door. Good-bye!

                I had been wondering for some time about his techniques and style. Was this "Father Peacock" reacting to a fear on his part in the ministry and being allegated? Was he conversing-up something and acting out towards me? He had a controlling personality and I had possibly been a significant threat while I was in the parish as a pastor and my present status.  I really was sensing that he was covering something more than I would possibly think.

                I had another technique which I was implementing in that I would take a pad and pen and write down ten points of how I would address a “fear buckets” situation. It helped in that I would do this and put the pad and pen always-in addition the “fear bucket” situation.

                In addition, I sent a note to Dr. Zeman with a copy of the article in the Catholic Free Press of 11/5/02 on page one on Bishop Reilly diocesan policy needing updating. I wrote in the note: Dr. Zeman, I have enclosed an article for your perusal. This is from my Worcester Diocesan Newspaper-CFP of November 15 on the front page. I will see you at my next scheduled appointment, which is Dec. 5^th. Sincerely, Ted Kardas.

                I did this for a couple points: Updating him on activities in Worcester and that I was doing overall O.K. with the present circumstances. I had to realize that I was doing much better than-at times- I was thinking. I had to realize that with "Father Peacock" hammering of last encounter that I recognized very quickly that “mental control” and “ping-pong game” that he was using on me. I was cleaning-out my head much more rapidly than I had before with his comments and acting.  

November 17, 2002

                We get a national picture by Rachel Zoll (AP) in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette with “Bishops’ next goal is to restore credibility.” She writes: “American’s Roman Catholic bishops and hoping a newly adopted sex abuse policy will restore there credibility, but the damage cause by months of revelations that church leaders had sheltered priests accused of molesting children will take years to repair. At recent meetings in Washington, the bishops’ pronouncement on issues such as war in Iraq and religious outreach to Hispanic immigrant were overshadowed by the scandals-just one sign of the difficulties bishops now face. Some parishioners say the church still can’t move forward until bishops who mishandled abuse claims resign or are at least singled out for criticism by their colleagues. ‘The problem this crisis has brought to the surface, or created, are so large, so complex, there’s no way this crisis can be quickly solved,’ said Russell Shaw, a former spokesman for the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops. ‘Restoring confidence in the bishops, the priesthood and the authority structures of the church will take a long time.’ Bishop Wilton D. Gregory, president of the bishops’ conference, acknowledged the damage in his opening address of the fur-day Washington gathering, speaking of ‘fractions’ in the church. But in a statement meant to take responsibility for their mistakes, the bishops at the meeting stopped short of criticizing fellow prelates.”300

                This Sunday morning, those “fear buckets’ were being to fill-up by listening to the news on TV. This particular story on ABC national news reported that the Vatican defrocked a priest in Pittsburg. The report says the priest was serving publicly and he had been alleged. His bishop said he was out.

                Yet, I had o hear from a priest: “How’s it feel to be retired at the age of 50? I didn’t have any retirement benefits or package.   

November 18, 2002

                We get from Kathleen A. Shaw in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette “Changes in bishops’ policy ranks victims, groups: Revised directives on sexual abuse ‘house of cards’ approach.” She writes: “Worcester-Timothy J. Staney, who alleges he was sexually abused by a religious education teacher and a priest of the Worcester Dicoese, is somewhat perplexed by the vote of the U. S. Catholic bishops this week to revise their sexual abuse policy. Mr. Staney said he thinks bishops, including Bishop William D. Gregory, president of the bishop’s conference, are making a ‘dangerous assumption’ that Catholics fail to understand the current crisis I the church. If we were talking about any other organization or profession, whether it is teachers, civil servants and others, the public outcry would demand a speedy and ‘absolute’ resolution for protection of children, he said. Mr. Staney said he believes the catholic ‘faithful’ do understand the problem and want the bishops’ policy for protection of children were less than laudatory of the revised guidelines. Mr. Staney said revisions in the policy are a ‘house of cards’ approach the church can use to hide the scandal. “The simply shuffle the deck and relocate the abusers, allowing the chain of abuse to continue he said Daniel J. Shea, a Huston lawyer who represent some clients in the Worcester Diocese, said the Vatican insisted on a 10-yesar statue of limitations during which time an alleged victim can come forward to make an allegation against a priest. With abuse of children, this puts the maximum age at 28. The statue is for church purposes only. The civil law in Massachusetts put the top age at 31 incases of child rape…”301 

November 19, 2002

                “Push is on for sex crimes bill: Lawyer seeks to end statue of limitations for child victims” by Kathleen A. Shaw in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette reports: “Boston lawyer Carmen L. Durso yesterday proposed legislation to eliminate the statue of limitations for civil and criminal cases and to eliminate charitable immunity for nonprofit organizations in cases of child sexual abuse. Mr. Durso who represents alleged victims of sexual abuse of minors by priests in Boston and Worcester, said the results of the recent American Catholic bishops meeting in Washington shows ‘the church cannot be counted on to police itself. They cannot do it, so we will have to do it for them.’ He made initial overtures to some legislators last spring and now is calling on victims and victims’ rights groups to help push for the legislation. During a gubernatorial debate he tried to get candidates Mitt Romney and Shannon P. O’Brien on the record favoring a change in the laws. ‘The only one who would commit was Shannon O’Brien, and she was defeated,’ Mr. Durso said.”302

                This statue of limitations concept was the comment that Fr. Picclomini told me on the phone in 1993 that I was beyond the statue of limitations. My question was on what issue are you relating me with? 

November 20, 2002

                We get from Richard Nangle of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette “Diocese, newspaper square off: Telegram & Gazette opposes bid to depose reporter in lawsuit.” He writes: “The Worcester Catholic Diocese is opposing a Worcester Telegram & Gazette effort to prevent reporter Kathleen A. Shaw from being deposed in a civil shit charging Auxiliary Bishop George E. Rueger with sexual assault. The diocese subpoenaed M. Shaw in connection with her coverage of a lawsuit filed by Sime Braio of Shrewsbury. The diocese, represented by lawyer James Gavin Reardon jr. of Worcester, argues that Massachusetts law does not protect Ms. Shaw from having to testify and turn over her notes. ‘The T G and Ms. Shaw have not shown any real possibility of harm from her testimony and, in any event, the defendants and the public have not only a need for, but a right to Ms. Shaw evidence, which right outweighs any harm to Ms. Shaw’s interests that could result,’ the motion states. The Telegram and Gazette through Worcester lawyer David M. Ianelli of Bowditch & Dewey, argues that Massachusetts courts have held that a reported should not be compelled to testify unless the value of the testimony ‘out weights the inevitable interference with the functioning of the free press. ‘Requiring Ms. Shaw’s testimony would also infringe upon her right to protect confidential unpublished information and would unnecessarily intrudes upon the editorial processes…”303 

November 21, 2002

                I came across something in my reading that explains my situation in some degree. In The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne, you have Hester Prynn in this work that all she had gone through finds a new freedom and peace almost like being on the other side of her issue. She is living on the fringes of her community because of being labeled with an “A.” But, she has this “A-Adulteress” mark and still did good things for the community. This is my story by being marked with “L-Leper” and did well with AA and a few other projects.

                I know my style of delivering sermons without a congregation would have been spirited, not with theological abstracts but with real and yet not “existential” outlook.

                I was beginning to change my style of writing my journal. Instead of writing on an 8 1/2 x 11 yellow pad and then, I would impute this into my computer as “do-year.” I would be able to impute this immediately into the working text by using Word. I first found this frustrating in typing my yellow pages on the Word program in my computer. But, I realize that I was editing when I was transferring my journal to the word page. I should have developed this some time back because of how much time I had to have by doing the journal on the computer and eliminating the written text.

                I noticed that with knowledge and passion as well as…careful eloquence. I antagonized over the details that I made sure were as accurate as possible. I was capturing in my journal many details capturing the contests of politics and personality that were its aftershock.  

November 22, 2002

                The Catholic Free Press reports on its front page “Priests react to new norms.” Tanya Connor writes: “The U.S. bishops’ revised norms for dealing with clergy sexual abuse of minors are an improvement over to ones adopted in June, but the bishops still didn’t get it right, said Father John F. Madden. The norms are improved because they make a better attempt to protect priests’ reputations and there is clearly due process for the accused now, Father Madden said. But, he said, “They will didn’t get it right-we believe in forgiveness. That’s the very thing that separates Jesus’ disciples form everybody else.’ The priests who have been removed from ministry because of allegations of sexual abuse are today’s adulterous woman, he said referring to the Gospel story in John 8: 3-11. ‘Everybody’s got their stone saying, ‘What do we do with them?’ and Jesus is pretty clear about that,’ he said. In that story Jesus told those about to stone the woman caught in adultery that the one without sin should cast the first stone. The bishops approved revised norms Nov.133 at their meeting in Washington, D.C. The norms were a revision of those they adopted at their June meeting in Dallas, when they adopted the sexual abuse policy called the “Charter for the Protection of Children and Young People.’ Father Madden, pastor of Our Lady of Jasna Gora Parish in Clinton, said he was one of 77 Worcester diocesan priests who recently singed a letter asking the Vatican to remedy ‘Injustices’ in the policy. He said the letter was loyal opposition, not an attack on the bishops, who he acknowledged were in a difficult position.”304

Nothing was heard about this, again. It became is to in the bureaucratic church system. I was somewhat surprised that due process was still being requested. It is a foreign concept in the Worcester Chancery Cabal.  

November 23, 2002

                I was talking with my classmate in Boston who worked as an office assistant in a law office and mentioned the issue of money. He said that if you have money, a different law comes into play. He told me how he was tracking how money can and foes more things for law in this country. It was something that I wondered about for some time.

                In addition this day, my buddy Fred from Worcester called me. I realized that his wife, Jane, was in the background telling him different comments to relate to me. Fred told me: “You will never be back.” This type of comment would have had an emotional effect at one time. I knew that Fred was parroting his wife. What became interesting were the gossip lines operating with lay people. Fred’s wife was in contact with an ultra-conservative group in the diocese. She was especially one that I watched my comments with what I spoke-all the time.  

November 25, 2002

                The Associated press writes “Cleared of abuse charges, monsignor celebrates Mass” by Greg Sukiennick. He submits “Newton-Monsignor Michael Smith Foster made  an emotional return to his former parish for the first item since he was cleared of child sexual abuse allegations yesterday, thanking friends and strangers alike for their kindness during his ordeal. ‘By your prayers you clothed my spirit. Y your concern through letter and calls and action you welcomed me into your lives when I felt like I had been cast into prison,’ he said. The Mass at Sacred Heart church was packed with Foster’s supporters, including his family and former altar servers who steadfastly stood by the priest when he was accuses of sexual abuse and twice suspended before being reinstated last month. As he made his way up the aisle toward the altar at the start of Mass, shaking hands and greet parishioners, the congregation broke out in applause. He directed some words to former youth group members-one who came from London for yesterday’s service-and altar servers who contradicted the abuse allegations from a former altar boy, and embraced them as the congregation looked on. ‘You stopped what was happening in your lives and gave your time and support to me. I am overwhelmed by your loving support,’ he said. Foster, the presiding judge of the archdiocesan tribunal that handles annulments and canon law issue, was the highest ranking clergy member accused of abuse since the crisis erupted in January, when court documents revealed that the archdiocese shuffled abusive priests between parishes…”305

                What is eye opening is how was this Monsignor found innocent, while so many were “guilty till proven innocent” in their cases? Again, my eyes open is this bench mark date mentioned of January of this year. This was when Reilly had me in his Chancery Office and it seems a line drawn in the sand by the bishops. The bishops were doing their own style of church justice some time before this year-2002.

                The issue of what people said and wonder what truth is is and always has be issue in society and the Church is no different. The issue this day was how the Pastor of St. Edward’s- Fr. Kilcoyne told the congregation at the Thanksgiving Ecumenical Service: “You (Westminster) made a national magazine as being the 4^th in giving as philanthropist.” What became even more interesting, the story goes, is that the local newspaper- the Gardner News had a reporter call him about this statement. This story bared no truth. It seemed that Fr. Kilcoyne made the story-up. Obviously, the newspaper dropped their reporting of this after speaking with Fr. Kilcoyne... But, it did carry in a ‘gated community” that they were 4^th in giving. So, one may then ask: What is truth? What do we want to believe?

                This may prove someday where a sociologist will write about the churches scandal as a “Dragnet going through the water.” It will be “the same” and “clubbed by a few enemies in the chancery” discovery. The latest read is that 1950 to the 1980s a dragnet turned into a “witch hunt.”

                The main story the media had been asking of where will the church go from here? In addition, the question of where are the bishops going to police themselves? But, we hear, at this time, from the Worcester Diocesan Attorney- Reardon, Jr. saying: (Issue) more to do with the fact the new revelations on the priest scandal are on the wane. But, there is this “double standard” in use-one for bishops and another for priests. A pattern seemed to be carried by the Worcester Gang-Chancery- because Bishop Reilly spoke at the Bishop’s Thanksgiving Dinner in Worcester and said that the diocese had a rough year, but he was “thankful for 2002” and closed with his remarks what Attorney Reardon, Jr. reported to the media that the sex scandal was “in wane.” If we had a survey of people in the Catholic parishes on Thanksgiving Day thought of their thanksgiving- Sick of playing games. But we know that most Catholic parishioners do this in silence and would not publicly relate such a fact. It is something more people do talk about in private.  

November 26, 2002

                The story continues with T&G and the diocese with Richard Nangel’s story: “T&G lawyer argues reporter doesn’t have to testify” in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette. Nangle writes: “Worcester-A lawyer for the Telegram & Gazette argued before a Superior Court judge yesterday that reporter Kathleen A. Shaw is protected from having to divulge the specifics of conversations she had with a man who has sued Auxiliary Bishop George E. Rueger alleging rape. Meanwhile diocesan lawyer James Gavin Reardon Jr. said he should be allowed to take a deposition form Ms. Shaw, just has he would have the right as a lawyer to ask questions of anyone who had spoken with an alleged rape victim. The diocese subpoenaed Ms. Shaw in connection wither coverage of a lawsuit filed in July by Sime Braio of Shrewsbury. The diocese contents that Massachusetts law does not protect Ms. Shaw from having testified and turn over her notes. The Telegram & Gazette, through Worcester lawyer David M. Ianelli of Bowdithch & Dewey, argues that Massachusetts court have rules that reporter are to required to testify unless the value of the testimony ‘out weights the inevitable interference with the function of the free press.’ “306

                If one was following this story is that it is a very similar story by Nangle of November 20^th. The pot gets stirred in a very peculiar style of repeating a previous story almost to the word. 

November 29, 2002

                The Catholic Free Press reports “About Books; Three books look at Church in crisis” by Mitch Finley of the Catholic news Service. The books: The Courage to be Catholic: Crisis, Reform and the Future of the Church The Courage to be Catholic: Crisis, Reform and the Future of the Church by George Weigel;  Why I Am A Catholic by Garry Wills; Triumph: The Power and Glory of the Catholic Church-A 2,000 Year History by H.W. Crocket III.307

                What we have in this article is only three of a large number of books printed on the church’s sex abuse crisis. These three sources give a very limited view of what is being printed. There are more and better reading sources on this issue. I’m sure more detailed and researched publications would be coming forth in the next few years when more information becomes available from Church and other pertinent sources especially on the clerical culture, authority, documents and accused priests with their actual stories.

                This same day, we read in the National Catholic Reporter “Secret Vatican norms on abuse show conflicts with U.S. policy.” John > Allen Jr. writes: “Previously secret Vatican norms governing sex abuse cases, obtained in made-November by NCR appear generally consistent with policies adopted by the American bishops in Washington Nov. 13, but experts who have reviewed both documents see at least tow possible conflicts: 1. The Vatican norms state that cases involving sexual abuse of a minor by a priest ‘must only be pursued in a judicial process.’ The norms adopted in Washington on the other had, empower bishops to use administrative means to remove from ministry if pursuing the case in a church court proves impossible. 2. The Vatican norms state that such cases are covered by ‘pontifical secrecy,’ a grade of confidentiality just short of sacramental confession. How that will affect the bishops’ pledge of full cooperation with civil authorities is not clear. A consultant for the U.S. bishops Ad Hoc Committee n sexual abuse, however, told NCR Nov. 20 that both potential conflicts are ore hypothetical than real. The previous unpublished Vatican norms, promulgated by John Paul II on April 30, 2001, but released to bishops only on a case-by-case basis, are available on the NCR Web sit under ‘documents.’ As was already known from media reports, the norms state that six grave ‘delicts,’ a word meaning ‘offense,’ including sexual abuse of a minor and reserved to the Congregation for the Doctrine of Faith. Bishops must inform the congregation when a case arises and request permission to proceed. In some cases, the congregation itself may take up the case (NCR, Dec. 14, 20010. Upon obtaining the full set of norms, NCR asked tow veteran canon lawyer, one in North American and the other in Rome, to examine the norms in light of the program adopted by the U.S. bishops. Both did so on condition of anonymity. Both highlighted the question of extra judicial measures to remove priests. Article 17 of the Vatican norms seems to rule this out, stating flatly: ‘The more grave delicts reserved to the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith must only be pursued in a judicial process.’ Much of the Vatican’s concern with thee original plan adopted by the U>S. bishops at their meeting last June in Dallas centered o this point. “the revised norms worked out by a ‘mixed commission’ of Vatican officials and U.S. bishops in late October envision that such cases will be handled in church courts. Under Norm 9 of the U.S. program, however, bishops cause administrative means ‘at all times’ of the legal route I unavailable…”308

                Reading this begs the issue of my case and how the Worcester Cabal handled it and isolated me. Will I ever have my time in a church court?

                Kathleen A. Shaw even gives us this day an article in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette “Priest remains on leave.” She writes: “Worcester-The Rev. Jean-Paul Gagnon, who is alleged to have sexually abuse a boy when he was assigned to Holy Name of Jesus parish during the 1980s, remains on personal leave as the diocesan Pastoral Care Committee considers allegations made against him last month. ‘They have to reach a  recommendation,’ say Raymond L. Delisle, diocesan spokesman…The diocese placed seven other priests on administrative leave and removed them from their parishes during the past year after allegations of sexual misconduct were made.”309

                Shaw did get into print “Priest removed by bishop files a bankruptcy petition” in with this other story. She wrote: “Worcester-the Rev. Raymond P. Messier, who in June was removed form his pastors hips in Athol and Petersham by Bishop Daniel Pl. Reilly because of sexual b use allegations has filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy in the U.S. Bankruptcy Court. A hearing on the petition has been set for 11 a.m. Dec. 23 in the court trustee’s office at 600 Main St., Suite 202. The bankruptcy petition was filed by Rev. Messier Nov. 15. Boston lawyer Carmen L. Durso said the bankruptcy has frozen his lawsuits against Rev. Messier, and the court actions to Worcester Superior  Court cannot continue until the bankruptcy issues are resolved. ‘This in no way affects our claims against the Worcester diocese,’ he said.”310

                I guess that the local media had to print something because it had been a few days since anything local had been boiling and we get a rehashing of the “seven priests.” It seems that the Worcester Diocese and national picture have this bench mark year of sex abuse cases as the beginning and end of “crisis.” We never did hear through the media anything about Fr. Messier case or status.  

November 30, 2002

                The Worcester Diocese had another issue to watch through the press in the handling of Father David Kerrigan. Kathleen A. Shaw wrote in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette “Rev. Kerrigan’s Masses move to city.” She states: “Worcester-The Catholics for Christ Masses, which began late last month at the Ramada Inn in Auburn, are moving to the Marriott Courtyard in downtown Worcester, and beginning tomorrow. Those who attend the 10 a.m. Masses will have an opportunity for a ‘two-fer.’ The will be held in a room next door to the breakfast buffet at the Grove Street hotel. The Masses are celebrated by the Rev. David Kerrigan and are to under jurisdiction of the Roman Catholic Diocese of Worcester. Rev. Kerrigan was suspended by the diocese in the 1980s because; he said the late Bishop timothy J. Harrington considered him a “free spirit.” Rev. Kerrigan was asked to say the Masses by Robert and Beth Blozie of Charlton, who have not attended regular Catholic Masses since the church  sexual abuse scandal broke open earlier this year. They used their interpretation of a provision in the church canon law to call Rev. Kerrigan to celebrate Mass because they lost confidence in the hierarchy of the church. The also adopted the name Catholics for Christ. Those attending the Masses are told at the beginning that the Mass and Eucharist are valid but because they are not under jurisdiction of the diocese, their attendance does not fulfill a Catholic obligation to attend Mss on the weekend.”311 

December 2, 2002

                This is an interesting direction by the Church and the media. Kathleen A. Shaw writes, again, in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette “Church to let victims testify: Bishop Reilly establishes tribunals for abuse cases on page A1 with a highlight: Boston Archdiocese ponders Chapter 11 filing. The Shaw article reports: “Worcester-Alleged victims of sexual abuse by priests and church workers will be allowed to testify before church tribunals that are being set up to handle these cases, according to Raymond L. Delisle, spokesman for the Worcester diocese. He said the tribunals cannot be established until the Vatican approves the revised sexual abuse policy adopted recently by the American bishops at their fall meeting in Washington, D.C. Bishop Daniel P. Reilly announced after returning from the Washington meeting a he will offer trails before tribunals to the seven priests who were removed by him this year after allegations of sexual abuse of minors were made against them. The tribunal will operate under canon law and will be secret. The tribunals will be headed by both clergy and lay judges. ‘There is no sitting judge position like in state law,’ Mr. Delisle said. He added that canon lawyers in church courts can act as attorneys for the defense, as prosecutors or as judges. ‘Thee is talk of sharing staffs across diocesan line in order to assure greater objectivity,’ Mr. Delisle s said. In this case, judges would not know the accused or the accusers, he said. Many people do not know how these tribunals work, Mr. Delise said, and there has been ‘a lot of presumption’ about them. He said the church courts so not take the place of civil trial courts, but could provide ‘a process based on objective laws even when no other process is available to victims.”312

                This is good public relations approach by the bishops because of Delisle saying “many people do not know how these tribunals work… How about this priest himself? Yet, Bishop Reilly is to give the seven priests he removed a chance for a tribunal. How about me? Oh? I heard that my case was under Bishop Harrington. So what process of canon law was used at that time? Don’t forget, Harrington told me: “You’re guilty till proven innocent.” I never heard about any priest having a tribunal process- must all have been “secret.”

                IN the “Commentary” section of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette, David O’Brien, professor at the College of the Holy Cross wrote “Catholics must open the doors and ask for help from everyone.” The article stated: “For Catholics, in Worcester and elsewhere, problems with priests accused of sexual abuse are not over. Bishop Daniel P. Reilly has promised speedy canonical tribunals for the seven priests removed this year, but whether he can deliver on that promise is far from clear. He will at least need Vatican permission to move forward and the needed tribunal is not yet in place. The promise itself is also problematic, for these trails will be carried out by priests, behind closed doors. There is no guarantee victims will be heard or that they, or anyone else will learn the result. Meanwhile we know nothing of the status of these cases with the office of our newly re-elected District Attorney John J. Conte. Most likely the status of limitations and the lack of available witnesses will make criminal charges unlikely. If so, we now understand why so many victims and their families had to turn to civil suits to bring out the truth. We might wonder what happened to the Diocesan Pastoral Care committee, with its expanded lay membership. It now plays an important advisory role when initial charges are made against a priest, but one he is removed they seem to have no further role in assessing the situation. The case goes behind closed doors, to remain there unless or until victims and their attorneys force the door open. Good people are behind those doors, so justice may be served, but recent experience suggest that even very good people can make very big mistakes when they think no one is watching.313

                I hope Professor O’Brien realizes that allegated priest and other priest are more in the dark on canonical and more diocesan procedures He wonders what happened to the Diocesan Pastoral Care committee. There is a very simple answer- it just disappeared and some priest does and did

                The issue of statue of limitations and criminal charges seem to be an issue with a few writers. I had to hear about statue of limitations from Fr. Rocco Picclomini when he called me in 1993 and said that I was beyond them. There is significant reason for this in civil law. There was no other D.A. in Massachusetts that was pushing for a change in provision of this issue.  

                It is at times like being a mushroom- keep it in the dark and feed it manure. 

December 1, 2002

                I realized that historians say it take 30 years to study any issue. Therefore, the American Catholic Church “priest sex abuse crises may not be studied until approximately 2030s the earliest if you use 2002 as a bench mark. I have my papers directed towards Clark University Library for research purposes.

                I had dinner with some former prisoners of St. Edward’s. They told me how the pastor, Fr. Kilcoyne like Bishop Rueger. I was not surprised to hear this because of the clergy game of who do you see question was always what I had to hear since my ordination in 1970. Here was a case of two personalities of birds of a feather. It was talked about how Fr. Kilcoyne had to remind the people: “I’m your Pastor!” They were wondering why he needed to keep saying it over and over.  They also said that they were reminded that St. Edward’s was “family orientated.” The wife said she was surprised about Fr. Kilcoyne style because she knew him before. She said the homilies were “fuzzy and comfortable” style. She said that the Mass (Eucharist) with homily was in an atmosphere of “joking” in comparison where I made the celebration a challenge which did make some parishioners uncomfortable- the challenge is now! I didn’t say anything, but listened and reflected that we are having the 1951 model (Pre-Vatican II) of resurging clericalism”. In the fact that Fr. Kilcoyne was know before coming to Westminster, the issue of becoming “Pastor” does carry in some a personality change because of “power and authority.”

                I was connecting a lot of dots for some time. When I started doing this, a picture was developing of the society in general and the church that I was in. It showed that church personal and media did not nibble timidly at the corners of an issue, but bit-off huge chunks, assessing blame on others. It has to be notes that there was a cultivation of a fear based society that had paranoia through television shows such as “cop” programs and newscast shows “if it bleeds, it leads.” This atmosphere in the Church is subject with anger from within, where the flaws of culture of individuals being in subjectivism and relativism of the truth. Faith is no longer something given, received from God but individually passes so that we regard ourselves as sole chapter of what is truth. This is talked about in the image of “supermarket model” and my model of a “gas station.”

                So, there were times that I used my “tool box” of AA, where I would realize that this shall pass. Any expectations had to be realized for me as pre-meditated resentments that had to be balanced with my disposition. It was the famous: Easy does it. Many times on certain days, I had this though go through my thinking.

                I had coffee with "Father Peacock" this afternoon. He tells me that he feels he “has a hatchet over his head.” He said it twice. He explained further that the parish collection was back to what it was before he “pounced and requested an increase” in the pulpit. He told me that he only did this twice in a decade. I always wondered what he was trying to cover-up or put the spot-light on another place than what was really happening. I was thinking that he was obsessed with Fr. Jean-Paul Gagnon’s story or there was someone else’s story that was very close to him. 

December 2, 2002

                There appeared in the Boston Herald “victims on abuse get look at problem priests’ records.” It states: “Dozen of clergy abuse victims receive their first glimpse of long-secret archdiocesan records on dozens of problem priests yesterday, a day before many of the documents will be made public. The viewing was arranged by attorney Roderick MacLeish, Jr. of Greenberg Traurig, who won access to church archives by court order in August as part of a lawsuit against the Rev. Paul R. Shanley. The victims declined to comment on the files last night. Stanley’s records were publicly filed in April after superior court Judge Leila R. Kern agreed with a Boston Herald motion that the document were ‘a matter of significant public interest.’ “314

                I’m always interested in seeing the MacLeish, Jr. name and now knowing that he worked for Greenberg Traugi (law firm). If anyone had to get my files, I was told that there was nothing in it. So, it is business as usual- if the Chancery mob wants to get someone, they will-especially if you know something- Harrington antics.  

December 4, 2002

                Attorney MacLeish from Boston was on the news segment of NBC Today Show. The segment was an interview where he was saying that all this new information (clergy sex abuse) was since 1999, “after the so called Reformation.” He didn’t explain the comment or was asked to explain it. But, I would have been interested in hearing him explain that comment. 

December 5, 2002

                "Father Peacock" called to have a coffee. I noticed I get this type of call from him when he does his hospital visit routine which was some Mondays but definitely Thursdays. He immediately started what I call the control game on me- fear element. He said that I should know that those cases of sexual abuse with representatives in Boston state house in changing the law on the “statue of limitations” issue. He would remind me that I was under that umbrella because of what Fr. Picclomini told me in 1993. I mention this to him and ever now and then, he would remind me of it. I developed a technique of looking at him with an expression that it was enough look. He, obviously, was trying to get a reaction out of me and apply the “fear” style going. I, this time, in addition replied how some people lay the technique game of legal name droppings.  He reacted that he had to remind me that Msgr. Danas had not been motioned again in the newspaper of his alleged sexual abuse newspaper story. What I noticed that "Father Peacock" had another agenda in that he was worried about some other issue or aggravation of money issue at his parish. He tired to impress on my how when he compares his “salary” with what Father Ray Messier supposedly had in the paper on his Messier’s allegations story. But, I know enough that "Father Peacock" had to add housing, food, stipends and other money situation. He even started that Bishop Reilly would be leaving in six months and that the “planners” would be coming out with their projections and being prophets. It may seem very weird, but, again, I don’t think I am that far away for speculating a true scenario.

                The only thing of any sense with this coffee break for me was sharing a radio story how the priest in Boston were on the edge of abyss, feeling stunned, demoralized and getting increasingly powerless because of Cardinal Law. This commentary had Cardinal Law as a tragic figure because he became comprised, margined and demised. But, my thought was that very few clergy held onto such a reaction because it was business as usual. The only thing, I immediately thought, was that parishioners and others may have asked some priest some questions which they were not used to being questioned about. Some of these guys may have been asked where they were for the past week since Sunday Masses-days off, vacations or retreats. Parishioners may have been wondering out loud what they do during the week. This would definitely put priest in an abyss, demoralized and feeling increasingly powerless. But, it was not all Cardinal Law or the sex abuse crisis.

                But, after such an experience, I rent space in my head of our conversation and wonder. What I realized of late that a Vatican Cardinal said a letter was going to be coming out on not ordaining gays. This may have been part of "Father Peacock’s cat on the hot tin roof” behavior. 

                This same day in heard on the radio for the first time on WROR_FM Boston about an established hotline for child abuse. The announcement said trained counselors were available by calling such number: “If you don’t know where to turn, call now.” The atmosphere of today culture was even showed on Channel #5 News had Attorney Eric MacLeish and Mr. Roger Ford (bald headed guy), father so on that had been allegedly abused by priest. Mr. Ford has a bulldog facial expression and must have been hired by MacLeish to travel with him due to the fact that he had been of late with MacLeish on TV news programs.  

December 6, 2002

                The Catholic Free Press this day “Trail or resignation is priest options: Canonical trails option for accused.” Margaret M. Russell reports: “Bishops around the country are waiting for direction from Rome before taking further action against priests accused of sexual abuse of a monitor. Bishop Reilly Wednesday night said the bishops are waiting for a clear outline of steps that need to be taken to determine the priestly status of those who have been place on administration leave as a result of allegations. Administrative leave is temporary. Diocesan priests who have been place on administrative leave due to allegations of sexual abuse of a minor may receive canonical trails once the Vatican has approved the new norms noted on by the bishops last month. And once a trail is complete, the verdict could be made public. According to Msgr. F. Stephen Pedone, diocesan judicial vicar, ‘If a bishop has sufficient evidence that sexual abuse of a minor by a priest or deacon has occurred he has to start down the road to a canonical trial. A priest cannot be left in canonical limbo.’ That means that his status as a priest-whether he can publicly say Mass or administer the sacraments, or even present himself as a priest-has to be determined…A canonical trail is likened to a military tribunal where  armed series personal judge their own members for crimes against the military code. Canonical trail are priest judging priest for crimes against church law.” 315

                All of this is new to me. I never missed any classes in the seminary on Canon Law course. Yet, we were never presented any material on canonical trails or related subjects. All in hear from Bishop Harrington was: “You’re guilty till proven innocent.” Bishop Reilly only told me that “We will get back to you.” Against, I have to say that I hear or hear nothing-nada. This sounds good for the media and public consumption. But, this day and age, they are more informed and intelligent as they were in previous places and times of history. But, the church hierarchy will attempt anything to make things operate in business as usual.

                So, adding to this is Kathleen A. Shaw’s article in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette of this day “Canon lawyer explains tribunals: Many Catholics do not understand how the secret trails work.” She writes: “The Rev. Thomas Doyle, a canon lawyer who first alerted the American bishops to the growing sexual abuse scandal during the 1980s when he worked at the Vatican Embassy in Washington, said the new tribunals being set up to try priests accused of sexual misconduct can be positive in some respects but negative in others. Rev. Doyle, now an Air Force chaplain in Germany, said he favors giving due process to accused priests, but said they may not be getting all they expect. Because the tribunals are secret, the priests may never know who their accusers are, he said. ‘Accused clerics will not know their accusers unless the accusers consent. This leave the door wide open for egregious abuses,’ the canon lawyer said. In tribunals, victims or witnesses do not testify as in civil courts. They give testimony before a notary. He said many people do not understand how the tribunals work. ‘Canon law does to set itself up as a substitute for civil law,’ he said. Canon law, the legal system of the Catholic Church, does not apply to any civil or criminal action brought against a priest accused of abuse or a diocese named in a civil suit, he said.”316

                I reiterate that my bishop told me in my first meeting that he was in attendance: “You’re guilty till proven innocent.” Case must have been closed because I had to hear through rumor that my case was under Harrington and not Reilly. So, why did Reilly demand my resignation?

                This same day Kathleen A. Shaw gave us on page A1 of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette the article “Some accusers will refuse help from tribunals: Secret, on-civil nature cited.” She wrote: “Several people who say they were sexually abused by priests have given different views on whether they will cooperate with church tribunals being set up here and throughout the country to try accused clergy on those offenses. Two lawyers who are handling civil suits against the Diocese of Worcester and individual priests said this week they would use caution in recommending that their clients cooperate with the tribunals because of their closed and secret nature. Daniel J. Shea of Houston said he will not allow his clients to participate in the tribunals because of their secret nature and because he see these church courts as being at odds with the American system of civil justice. Boston lawyer Carmen L. doors said he would recommend participation if it were the only way to take an allegedly abusive priest ‘out of service.’ “317

                Then we get from the Catholic Free Press an article on page three “Sexual abuse saga brings new settlements.” Jerry Filteau wrote from Catholic News Service in Washington: “The Catholic clergy sexual abuse sage continued in late November with new arrests, new lawsuits, new court decisions and settlement of more than 60 lawsuits. Cardinal Bernard F. Law of Boston Nov. 26 met for more than two hours with leaders of Voice of the Faithful, a now internationally Catholic organization formed in Boston when the clergy sex abuse scandal broke there last January. Spokesmen for the group said the cardinal agreed with two of their state goals, support for abuse victims and support for priests of integrity, but questioned their third goal of ‘shaping structural change’ in the church…The archdiocese, facing 400 sexual abuse lawsuits, was engaged simultaneously in settlement talks with their attorney and in negotiations with archdiocesan insurance carriers.”318

                The Worcester Telegram & Gazette had a sorry from The Associated Press entitled “Prosecutors begin probing allegations on Boston priests.” It reads: “Prosecutors have begun investigating allegations dating back in the 1960s that a priest in the Boston Archdiocese failed to immediately call for medical help when the apparent mother of his tow children overdosed on drugs…Also yesterday, priests continued to express disappointment with the leadership of Cardinal Law. A group of priests who have been asked to kick off a major three-year, $300,,, million archdiocesan fund-raising campaign met yesterday to discuss the difficulty they are facing in the light of the sexual misconduct revelations and the archdiocese’s decision to explore bankruptcy proceedings. About 38 priests attended the meeting at the Our Lady Help of Christian Church in Newton. The meeting took place after a ban on meetings of church agencies at the Newton church.”319

                I finished reading in the Catholic Free Press, the article on priest “trail.” This had me filling my fear buckets where I even called "Father Peacock" which I suddenly did. He mentioned tome that for six months he didn’t read newspaper. This is the reason he said this because there was too much written that is new and one gets worked =up. He suggested that roll-up the article and thrown it away. It had my mind racing. Against, I should have put it under my blotter approach. Fear buckets were being filled in thinking of the Diocese had something in place previous to this article being printed. When I heard that Rome had approved the Charter, my thinking of rolling out “10 years after 18 approaches” became dominate in my thinking. "Father Peacock" did say: “You will have to use all of God’s graces, again.”

                I had to remind myself not to lose hope. Hoe should never have been taking always from anyone. There had been tremendous newspaper coverage of late on the priest sexual abuse crisis. It was like an acid eating away. Yet, actually, it way not my case with this Charter and overall picture. But, my name was listed on the internet on abusive clergy.

                What was as disturbing was that I called "Father Peacock" about this article. What was ironic was he was the only clergy that had any contact with me. This time he did make sense and share that tidbit of drawing all of God’s grace to face this present atmosphere.

                What I learned for myself after reading interacting with the article “tribunal Trail” was that I had to put such issue under the desk blotter for two days before talking our calling anyone to talk about it. I thought that I would instead of reacting (talk or call) by taking a ride in the car, go to the library, bookstore, or walk five miles to think of something else.     

Listening to Imus in the Morning Show had him commenting that there is no excuse or blaming anyone for drinking or abuse of drugs. Imus obviously says this now at his own reform. But, the he goes the “self-righteousness” take cover in his approach of life. He is not in another person’s shoes. I have heard a similar approach at some AA meetings of people saying that one is not to blame anyone for drinking but themselves. Some people would even say: Let’s hear about your story and stop blaming other people. This is a very black and white situation of viewing an issue. Many factors have to be realized overall. I insert my story with the Catholic Church when I was ordained. It was like two plates of the earth moving counter to themselves which produced an earthquake. I wanted to write a letter to Imus but I guess that would have to be in my Volume II- Letters written that I didn’t send. 

December 7, 2002

                I read in the National Catholic Reporter of December 6, 2002 the weekly column “The Word from Rome” by John L. Allen, Jr. the story of CMSM (Religious Orders superiors) meeting in Philadelphia in August. Allen writes: “The concern is for the autonomy of religious life, which is guaranteed in canon law (canon 586). If bishop’s asset the power to block even assignments to internal ministries within communities, to demand an access to confidential files, to revoke facilities granted by religious superiors, or to black transfers across provincial or international boundaries, it would amount to a serious invasion of that autonomy. The relative independence enjoyed by the orders is what has allowed them over the years to play a prophetic roles, whether it’s the Franciscans keeping alive the spirit of evangelical poverty or the Jesuits pioneering new approaches to mission. A related fear is how absolute a ‘zero tolerance’ stance religious orders might be compelled to adopt if they are simply grafted onto the bishops norms as adopted in Washington. The CMSM assembly in Philadelphia in August voted to echo the bishops’ commitment that even a single act of sexual abuse means permanent disqualification from public ministry. The deliberately did not, however, move from that commitment to the idea of expelling a man from the community. In fact, they left open the possibility that with appropriate treatment and supervision, such a priest might be able to take up an internal ministry within the community, such as chaplain or archivist. (It should be noted that the CNSM cannot compete member communities to adopt these policies, and although most may follow its lead, some may not) Connor(Conventual Franciscan Father), who along with Keating (Marist Father) spoke at a special Saturday morning session during the Union of Superiors General meeting, argued for treating each case on its merits. ‘It’s very important that we do not use one single word to describe a very broad group of me,’ he said. ‘‘Pedophile’ refers to someone with a sexual attraction to children younger than 12, a pre-adolescent. It is a very difficult problem to ever resolve, and no professional know how to change someone whose sexual interest is a child. But in the vast majority of cases, we’re dealing with sexual contact with an adolescent, the term for which ‘ephebophelia.’ The problem is not a distorted sexual fantasy life, but the emotional life. The man is too confident enough to believe that he can have a close adult relationship. ‘About this problem, we know great deal. These are generally not predators, actively seeking more victims. They are often very lonely, overworked, and/or abusing alcohol. These are issue we can deal with. We have evidence over an 18-yer period that of 367 men we treated; only eight were re-offended. We know a lot about recovery. No expert would say that you should reassign such a man to work with children or young people, but he could be trusted to work in other kinds of ministry.’ “

                This article was found by researching on the web under “The Word from Rome” achieves. It took a little work but I found it by going through a few different routes of search. I had it with over 400 other articles on “The Word from Rome.” What I’m finding is that learning the different search techniques, one is able to find practically anything one is searching for in research or general reading.

                This type of information was not available for the general public or otherwise. But, the bishops and professionals had this information available for their desks. So, how did the Worcester Chancery operate the way they did besides protecting Bishop Harrington drunk driving and who knows what else. There was much more being cover-up in my chancery. One must no forget that I had to hear from my bishop: “You’re guilty till proven innocent.” Therefore, such reports would have been useless because I was not allowed a due process, defense of any type and so forth. 

December 8, 2002

                The Boston Glove Magazine published “My Life as a Gay Priests: A former clergyman speaks out about secrecy and sexuality in the Catholic Church.” Te article by a former Catholic priest (Christopher Schiavone) speaks out about secrecy, scandal and being gay in the church. He states: “It is hard for anyone no immersed in the culture of the priesthood in Boston to fully appreciate the extent to which denial and secrecy prevailed, at least in the 1980s and early ‘90s, and particularly in sexual matters.” 320

                This article was another insight of many of the issues that I have mentioned. I was not surprised with what I was reading about the 1980s and ‘90s written. I sensed this even in the 1960s and ‘70s, but continued trying to improve my spiritual and pastoral work as a diocesan priest. No one I knew was I able to share the points mentioned in this article because I didn’t know who to trust. So, I immersed myself in my daily ministry. I became a pastor and then doing church renovation work, building a parish center, instituting an R.C.I.A. process (totally new), diocesan DEF-loan department member and being the only priest. So, I was not hanging around with brother-clergy.

                I was reading the obituary of Fr. Henry Bowen, my former-fired canon lawyer and how he was described in such exemplary language. I should have written Letter-to-the- Editor of the Catholic Free Press and share my experience with this priest. Bowen never defended me. Even, when we met with my civil lawyer, Attorney Ted Carey, in Boston where Carey said on my waling out: “He is not defending you.” Here would have been a letter, never sent, to be added to Volume III.

                I was thinking about my embarrassment and humiliation lately: I was shoved expecting to be evaluated by other and demitted my self-esteem. Whereas they say the guilty are more concerned with their effect on others, I was not. I had been shunned and punished. Humiliation has the greatest impact of all on the self-conscious emotion. It is perceived what others have done to me. I have been unfairly been put into the lowest, debased, degraded and brought down to be inferior-all humiliation. I wanted to show them (church hierarchy), even though they never cared. I wanted to show myself to restore my own self-esteem. What I don’t drink? I am focused and have goals. The immediate goal is to have my work be adapted for a book format. 

December 11, 2002

                My stinken thinking goes right-off this morning in thinking of my meeting in January of this year with Bishop Reilly saying: “you are stalling thee fullness of the diocese.’ Reflecting on this statement had me forcing myself to trust in God and that I have weathered many other storms. I was thinking, also, of hearing how Fr. Shanley of Boston may be released from jail on $300,000 bail. Mr. Rodney Ford, with lawyer at a news conference said that this was “blackmail.” Ford says Fr. Shanley got the money from the Boston Archdiocese because he had information to use against the archdiocese. What was going through my mind was the image of Mr. Ford as a “bulldog” on an attack.

                In addition what we have on Channel #7 Boston showing Shanley being released from jail in Cambridge, Mass with news cameras showing his “stunned” facial expression. The attorney for Shanley said he feared for his client’s life. A protestor outside the jail said to the TV camera that he feared for Shanley’s life because he thought that he was going to get shot.

                My thinking has me wanting to cross-examine the tow girls that accused me: Who set you up? I have enemies in the Worcester Chancery and had been constantly clubbed.

                This day I met Ken Gallagher in Leominster. Ken was a member of St. Edward’s parish. He mentioned that he heard again  that Bob Chatrand and Msgr. Collette of Immaculate Conception were undermining my parish work were dragging the same story around. The story: “He (Fr. Kardas) can’t do that (R.C.I.A.).” Since then Bob Chatrand became a full-time fireman in Westminster. Since my departure, Westminster had the nick-name “MacAloiney Ville” with him becoming fire chief and wife had been town clerk. Now, we have Chatrand on the fire department.

                My stinken thinking continued to develop recalling how the state police detectives were at my “cave” door to take me for interview on Molly Bish in Westminster Police Station.  This interview, as I have written previously, was conducted in my place. I was at the point that I had to watch for “enemies” in my past. There were a lot of self-righteous that I should have cleansed from my thinking. But I didn’t. Against, I found something else to do to chance my mind besides writing my daily journal.  

December 12, 2002

                “Documents detail Law’ steps on pastor, transferred priest” in  The Boston Globe reported: “While grappling with dozens of complaints of clergy sexual misconduct in the mid-1990s, Cardinal Bernard F. Law approved an accused priest for work as a military chaplain with no restrictions on his contact with children and allowed a pastor to retain his title even though he had been caught with child pornography…Roderick MacLeish Jr.,  an attorney with the firm of Greenberg Traurig, which represents more than w00 alleged victims, said yesterday he was particularly concerned with records showing that Law singed a 1996 statement certifying Rev. Redmond M. Raux for fulltime work with children, even though Raux had been accused of fondling an underage teenager while a priest at Gate of Heaven Church in South Boston. ‘I an unaware of anything in his background which would render his unsuitable to work with minor children,’ Law said in the 1996 statement. MacLeish called the irresponsible another instance in which Law, in his views shoed insufficient concern for the possible risk to children. ‘These are assignment where there are women and there are children,’ MacLeish said. ‘Often one spouse is absent and the chaplain does a great deal of work with children. But Timothy P. O’Neil, who is Raux’ lawyer, contradicted MacLeish, saying the archdiocese had investigated the allegation and determined it was not credible, adding that Raux has always maintained his innocence.”321

                I’m always amazed how an allegation may be “determined it was not credible…” and others credible?

                On the internet I found this” “Retired Quebec bishop’s desire to marry reopens celibacy debate.” We have in this article: “A retired bishop from the Canadian Province of Quebec has announced that he will ask the Vatican to dispense him from the priesthood so he can marry. The request of retired Bishop Raymond Dumais, 52, has reopened a debated in Canada on celibacy for priests. Bishop Dumais, who resigned as Bishop of Gaspe in July last year, announced during a radio interview with the Radio Canada station in Romouski that he is living with a woman. In an interview with a Quebec newspaper, the bishop also said that during his 25 years as a priest he had had difficulty with the vow of celibacy. “It’s time that we woke up to a new culture with in the church.” Fr. Guy Legacy, president of the archdiocesan forum of the Archdiocese of Rimouski, told the Quebec newspaper Le Soleil. “Celibacy should not become a barrier to men interested in becoming priests. Raymond Dumais is not the only person to be living this situation.”322 

December 13, 2002

                Cardinal Law resigned as archbishop of Boston. TV Channel #7 Boston had Attorney MacLeish giving his systematic aspect of what was going on.  So much had changed in the last three weeks in Cardinal Law’s situation. MacLeish new conference had Rodney Ford’s and his wife, Paula, commenting. The wife did most of the talking. Rodney was only gazing in a quiet mode. MacLeish said that the victims had a church that betrayed them. Rodney Ford’s only comment was that those in accountability and other bishops should also follow Cardinal Law and step-down. MacLeish then said the he would conduct a deposition of Cardinal Law on Tuesday in Boston. He said that Cardinal Law’s resignation did not end the story.  The media interviews developed on the outlook of the future with Bishops Lennon, who was appointed the Apostolic Administrator for Boston.

                Mike Barnacle, a commentator for radio 96.9-FM was on the Imus morning show. He spoke about Cardinal Law that this was a point of authority were this goes-off the track Priest and bishops do what the want to do. He said: No surprise of anything of Cardinal Law, who was thinking  about only himself, own ambitions, his isolation and the stories build with obsession in his own survival. Then he continued with Imus program: Pete Rose is the ‘Bernie Law’ of baseball. He should be in jail.

                Father Chris Coyne spoke at the Boston Archdiocesan news conference saying that “letters” had not affect Cardinal Law’s resignation. He said the Cardinal resigned for the “right things to do” and for the Boston Archdiocese.

This was Friday the 13^th. 

December 14, 2002

                The New York Daily News published this day “The tragedy of Law’s fall from grace” which read: “There was a night in December almost exactly four years ago when the door to the hospital room opened and Bernard Cardinal Law waked in to visit a sick man lying in the bed. The priest barely knew the guy, just dropped by to talk for a few minutes, offer a simple blessing and thence was gone, like a doctor on his rounds. The guy was surprised. He hadn’t really known the cardinal and thought of him as a rather aloof, somewhat cold figure. But Law was accompanied that evening by some warmth, a sense of humor and a capacity for conversation. ‘He comes here a lot,’ on e of the nurses had said. ‘Just shows up. Him and his driver. A lot of the time, late at night. He’s great with the homeless, the drunks, street people who hang around the emergency room to get out of the cold./ How does a man who was arguably the single most important member of the catholic hierarchy in American, a guy who made his bones working for civil rights in the South during the violent ‘60s, a priest who began his career speaking for the poor, slowly but surely tumble into such scandal that his life is now littered with subpoenas rather than psalms? Is it arrogance? Isolation? The sin of pride? Blind ambition?”323

                Mike Barnacle, a radio host on WTKK-FM, Boston was on the Imus Show this day and spoke almost exactly same message as the New York Daily News story. Barnacle used the works “isolated and arrogance” on describing Cardinal Law. He even pushed the agenda that Catholics clamored for change and we have such leaders in the Church. He continued his diatribe: How do you tell kids to go to Mass with priest like this (Cardinal Law). Oh?

                The Cardinal Law story was carried in the Sentinel & Enterprise with “Area clergy ponder church’s future: Cardinal’s resignation leaves some distressed but optimistic” on the front page top bold print. One thing should be realized that Fitchburg, where this paper is published is Worcester County and Worcester Diocese. A few priest quoted were from the Archdiocese of Boston-Middlesex county- and others were from my Worcester Diocese which is no part of Cardinal Law jurisdiction. So, comments become interesting. The article reads: “Local Catholic clergy members were saddened but hopeful about the Church’s future as they digested the news of cardinal Bernard Law’s resignation as Boston Archbishop on Friday…’My reaction is a sad reaction,’ said the Rev. Thomas Sickler, of St. Joseph’s Parish in Fitchburg, adding that the statement the archdiocese put out accompanying the announcement of Law’s resignation was appropriate for the occasion. ‘They are sorry to lose him, but they are also sorry for the shortcomings of his career as a cardinal,’ Sickler said. ‘He is a good ma, but he was saddened with an unworkable situation in this tragedy.’ And the Rev. John Dwyer of the Sacred Heart of Jesus Parish in Fitchburg put it succinctly. ‘It’s so sad,’ he said. ‘But it was really kind of inevitable.’ In an interview given before Law’s resignation, the Rev. Terence Kilcoyne of the St. Edward the Confessor Parish in Westminster had called on Law to quit because he head ‘lost the ability to spiritually lead his people.’ Kilcoyne sad that many members of the clergy he had talked to were ‘very angry at the way this (the sex abuse crisis) had been handled. ‘It put a terrible burden on the rest of us as Catholics to watch this nonsense,’ he said. ‘It’s all very upsetting.’”324

                The same issue of the Sentinel & Enterprise carried this story: “Case sparks worst year in history of U.S. Roman Catholic Church-2002: Looking back.” By Rachel Zoll (AP). She wrote: “Other scandals had drawn national attention over the years-a pedophile priest in Louisiana, one in New England, another in Dallas. But, none of those cases, or hundreds of others in the past two decades, threatened to destroy the moral authority of the Roman Catholic Church in Amerce like the clerical sex abuse crisis did this year.  (Planned by the American hierarchy) What set who apart was this: The most damaging revelations came not from alleged victims but from the church’s own files. Over the objections of the Boston Archdiocese, The Boston Globe persuaded a judge in January to unseal church documents regarding claims of molestation against priests. The files provided the most extensive evidence to date that preventing scandal in the church consistently took precedence over protecting children. Those records alone-with letters from bishops expressing support for accused priests, not victims-would have been enough to keep the sandal alive for months. But as the year wore on, more damaging church documents wee made public in Boston and dioceses from coast-to-coast. Each release undermined bishops’ pledges that they had revealed all about past mistakes and gave hundreds of alleged victims the confidence to come forward.” (Part of this last statement has some truth, but other “victims” came forward for other reasons besides sexual abuse.)325 

December 15, 2002

                It seemed that the Worcester Diocesan campaign of Attorney Reardon, Bishop Reilly and now this of approach of getting a carpeted message out with Fr. F. Stephen Pedone who was the judicial vicar for the Diocese of Worcester in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette. His article “Canon law and civil law are complementary, not conflicting.” He wrote: “‘the church is not above the law.’ That message has come through loud and clear this year with regard to the clergy sexual abuse crisis. Ironically, as we approach the end of the tumultuous yet cathartic year as a church, saw are hearing another voice, asking the church, in fact, to act above and beyond the law, in cases where clergy are accused of wrong-doing and state laws have no recourse. Is the church to act beyond the law and sanction accused clergy with due process-no trail, no opportunity for defense? In American society, those who do this are referred to as ‘vigilantes,’ taking the law into their own hands and meting out mob justice…The canonical process has been mischaracterized as ‘easily manipulated’ and able to be prejudiced in favor of the institution or hierarchy. These are baseless accusations and the fact demonstrate the opposite…No system of justice should hold as a foundational principle that some defendants must be sacrificed in order for the law to show its concern for victims. Let us continue to stand by the words enshrined in American jurisprudence, ‘and justice for all.’”326

                I have included only part of this article because the points printed here are enough for one to wonder about the people that are addressing the campaign of showing the dynamics of the Catholic Church. First, Pedone was the guy that pushed his finger into my chest at the elevator in 1995: “Resignation now!” This same guy was the silent background member with the Harrington mob that was making me “Worcester’s Poster Boy.” He was part of the gang that were “taking the law into their own hands and meting out mob justice.” Pedone was actually writing about what he and Bishop Harrington, Rueger, Tinsley were carrying out on me of “”Guilty till proven innocent.” I never had any due process-no trail, no opportunity for defense. Amazing that such a priest was writing about him as a “vigilantes” and then turning to the written form to get the spot light-off the chancery mob. The Catholic Church system, with these people, in the Worcester Chancery were more than the issues. They should have been taken to Rome and given the same treatment that they bestowed on me and I am sure others. However, they were inside the “clubhouse.” This article would be the only evidence that a canon lawyer and civil lawyer would have needed to clean-out the Worcester Chancery building. Then Pedone should be given a lie detector test. One had to wonder what price one, as Pedone had to pay because he was the Worcester Chancery mouthpiece and acted as a free wind-up doll. 

December 16, 2002

The Associated Press reporter-J. M. Hirsch wrote “My past haunts my present and clouds my future” about Bishop John McCormick-Manchester Diocese and printed in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette. This article reads: “Manchester, N.H.-Bishop john McCormick told parishioners yesterday he is haunted by his part in the church sex scandal, and for the first time apparently questioned whether it could affect his future as leader of the Roman Catholic Diocese of Manchester. ‘These days my past haunts my present and clouds my future with you in New Hampshire,’ he said at the opening of Mass at St. Joseph Cathedral. However, McCormack tempered the remark by adding the best way he can help alleged victims is ‘to serve and lead the church in New Hampshire well.’ Later, the Rev. Edward Arsenault, chancellor of the diocese, said McCormack has no plans to step down. ‘He is here to stay until the Lord calls him home,’ he said. Roughly 350 people who attended the morning Mass gave McCormack a standing ovation at the close of his opening remarks.”327 One has to notice that this was a bishop speaking; did anyone hear any ordained priest allegated have such an opportunity? There was none.

I made one mistake when I was called into the Worcester Chancery for the first time and following experience- frankness. I would never or did commit a felony. My “file” was empty and incomplete. I was one the clergy that the hierarchy had thrown from a big bus coming down the road. I had to be a priest in the diocese of Worcester where issue stemmed from “unbridled addiction to power” and its protection. Because of not be frank, immediately and during my situation, I did not have any opportunity for due process nor any defense as such- guilty till proven innocent.

December 17, 2002

                We get from the secular press by The Associated Press-Rachael Zoll “Vatican give its OK to American sex abuse policy” in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette.  She writes: “American’s Roman Catholic bishops won Vatican’s approval yesterday for their revised sex abuse policy, requiring every diocese to car priests who molest children from working in the church. Vatican Authorization makes the plan church law for the United States and, therefore, binding on Catholic officials. Bishops have acknowledged that allowing dioceses to set their own rules often left molesters in parishes and helped crate this year’s many scandals…The policy attempts to balance the rights of victims and accused clergy in a discipline process separate from civil procedures. Bishops have pledged to report all allegations involving children to law enforcement in their communities, even though the church leaders are compelled to only obey civil law or reporting abuse. Under the new plan, bishops will conduct a confidential, preliminary inquiry when a molestation claim is made to determine whether it is plausible. If it is, the Vatican will be notified and will likely return the case to the bishop. The accused priest is to be pit on leave and then must go before a clerical tribunal to determine his guilt or innocence…”328

This is interesting news because all of the above was foreign to my specifics. I was still sitting out in isolation with no official process ever given to me by my bishop. The only thing that came to mind was when Reilly asked me in one of the visits to his residence: “What did they do to you here?”

This day TV, WHDH- Channel #7 Boston announced at the 5:30 p.m. news report of release by Survivors of those abused by priest a list of 600 names. I clicked the computer on and tried to find the list. I was on my way to an AA meeting which was good because I did/to her very much, but it felt good to be there and sit. What was going through my mind driving to and back from the meeting was worrying if the landlord where I was living would see it and have issue of me living in my present location. This and the latest Catholic Free Press article on “Tribunal Trail” had me on pins and needles.

I had my regular scheduled meeting with Dr. Zeman. One issue that I addressed with him was me remaining a priest. I was questioned by him about me continuing to be a priest.  I felt that he did to understand my expiation of my vocation. Obviously, I tried to clarify my position of a vocation. . I used the analogy that I felt that I had a little bit of a monk in me. I read in my spiritual reading that each of us: A little bit of a monk is in echo of us. Dr. Zeman asked me if I wanted to be a monk. I definitely did not. Then I spoke about the list on TV of abusive priest that included the 600 names. I, also, mentioned about Bishop Rueger being allegated, I didn’t e-mail him about Rueger because I didn’t want to give him the impression of me beating-up on him. He responded: the case (Rueger) is till not settled.  At the end of the session, Dr. Zeman stressed that we better meet in another three months.  

December 18, 2002

                Kathleen A. Shaw of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette wrote this day “Abuse victims asked to step forward.” She states: “Worcester-Paul Blaier of Survivors First, an advocacy organization for victims of clergy sexual abuse, called yesterday for people to report bishops who have covered up sexual abuse in tier diocese. His call to ‘step forward’ was made at a press conference in Boston, where he released the names of all priest in New England known to have been accused of sexual misconduct. The names of several Worcester diocesan priests are on the list and can be accessed at the organization’s Web site…The organization now includes the names on its national database of accused priest. Mr. Baier, a founder of Voice of the Faithful in Wellesley last January, recently started Survivors First. ‘We ask that any priest, nun, choir director, summer camp instructor or anyone else with information about the cover-up by bishops of sexual abuse, please step  forward and call your local law enforcement to help keep children safe,’ he said…Also included are the Rev. Thaddeus Kardas accused of molesting two girls in Worcester:…”329

                My name was on Shaw’s litany of Worcester priest that she reported in this column from Survivors First. Most of her columns of late only listed the seven that Bishop Reilly removed because of allegations. 

December 19, 2002

                I went to pick-up the saved newspapers at Mrs. Connie Rivard’s (parish secretary). She told me that my name was in the Wednesday’s Worcester Telegram & Gazette list of abusive priests. Mrs. Victoria Mitchell, her best friend, called her to inform her of it. So, when I walked in, Connie was standing at the door to give me this information. She had the look that I never told her that there was another situation concerning me. After reading the article, I only said it was old information from 1993. Connie had walked with me through this whole experience and was very supportive. Then, Mrs. Gail Robinson called today “You are a great guy. Sorry to the paper with your name in it (list).”  I responded to them that this was the old list, my case was never pressed and I only had accusations that were settled out of court by the diocese. I never agreed to anything because there was no case.  It was just that-accusations. This list, I told them, was another presuming thing of lawyers and rights group. It was something to see these three people who had walked with me having a questionable moment concerning my situation-guilty till proven innocent culture. 

December 21, 2002

                I had coffee with "Father Peacock" this afternoon. He was like a “cat-on-the-hot-tin-roof.” He was angrily rambling about money problems at his parish, two Masses were undercutting him, and one 16 year old did not sign the “Coy Paper” (Diocesan Clearance Statement) and was working with children in his program and a Confirmation candidate going to another parish with his religious coordinator confirmed with a letter giving permission. What was really the issue with him? Here was the same pattern of him reacting in an unbelievable manner. He was trying to keep the spotlight-off an issue with his, what I call, and smoking mirrors.  I was able to expect this behavior of him because of the flood of media and other information of clergy abuse. I was only waiting for the shoe to drop on his part. This guy I had to be identified with the 3 P’s: Power, Prestige and Possession. This was his whole priesthood. It was not what I believed in or lived.  

December 24, 2002

                Kathleen A. Shaw gives us, again, in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette “Former Athol priest’s case postponed.” She writes: “Worcester-The bankruptcy petition of the Rev. Raymond P. Messier of Charlton was continued yesterday to 11 a.m. Han 13 in United States Bankruptcy court. An objection to discharging the bankruptcy was lowered by Fitchburg lawyer David Nickless on behalf of three men who have filed civil suits on Worcester Superior Court alleging they were sexually abuse by Rev. Messier. Mr. Nickless was retained by Boston lawyer Carmen Durso, who is representing the men in the tow civil suits. They are named in suits only as Doe, Coe and Roe. The house he own n Charlton is valued at about $169,000 but is mortgaged for about $57,000, the court was told. Rev. Messier said he has owned it for about 24 years. The house is protected from the bankruptcy proceedings by a Homestead declaration, according to the court documents. Rev. Messier is his bankruptcy petition said he was seeking protection from what could be a $1 making claims in the civil suit. Mr. Durso said he thought the figure was interesting because he never specified the amount of damages in the suit. Rev. Messier, by filing the bankruptcy petition, halted the civil suits. Mr. Nickless said he wants permission from the bankruptcy court to allow the suits to get forward to assess liability…”330

                I received a Christmas book gift Strictly Personal & Confidential by Harry S. Truman (1999). This gave me the idea that I would use this book for an additional personal work entitled a Supplement: Letters’ Father Kardas Never Sent. I was thinking that I should have produced some board games for gifts this year: “Rectory Living” and A Catholic Pastor in a Republican Town.” 

December 25, 2002

                This Christmas morning, I celebrated Mass at “the table” in my daily offering on behalf of the whole creation and friends. My Christmas message on my mailed cards: May this Holy Season Fill You with Love and Peace. A Joyous Christmas and Blessed New Year.

                I did do my Christmas cards early. I even sent Bishop Reilly a card and but received nothing in return. This was a footnote in my dealing with the Worcester Chancery. The church hierarchy was something that I viewed with they had to be right. The hierarch had to be right because they had to be right message being portrayed to the world. A new priesthood would have to resurrect: the sky will open to the perfect priest. But, Fr. Karl Rahner’s writing on the ordination card (1970) that I had printed was the priesthood I was ordained into and was and continued to be what I live. 

December 26, 2002

                I was doing my spiritual reading this day from Teaching the Dead Bird to Sing: Living the hermit life without and within by W. Paul Jones (2002). I realized that my companion would be the “Divine Presence” (Be present to Prescience). What this book I reflected on my engagements with people that I became re-centered through this pacing with rhythmic breathing. This was accomplished with purpose of liturgy, psalms, Scripture, and rosary.

                I was affected by my “stinky thinking” mode again. This time is was about my name with list in Worcester Diocesan priest on sex abuse list. By Kathleen A. Shaw in the December 18, 2002 article. What I had to realize that it was only the third time that my name was in print, where the first was printed in March, 1995, second in 1998 McCormick-Diocesan settlement and this list. I had to realize that I weathered other storms before. I needed to replay this over and over in my mind.  

December 27, 2002

                I had to be catching myself waiting for the phone to ring for someone to talk with or invite me over or even take a ride.  I even rushed to check the mail in hope of a letter or note carrying good news. There was really nothing since the Christmas day happening and it was very quiet. There was a deafness and loneliness. But, I had been dealing with this in a different ways of prayer, doing research on the internet and writing. The other issue I should have implemented was to have gone to a AA meeting as an Alaton-all day, ongoing meeting which are held in each distinct of AA. There was a safety net of many ways for me not to get depressed. I had many tools in my tool box of life and I was blessed with such a gift.

                Well, my phone rang and it was one of my co-workers from the parish days at St. Edwards; she said that she had tried calling a number of times but that I was not in-since October. She asked: “Why don’t you just leave. You don’t need this.” My reaction and comment there: Are you ready to five-up your motherhood? This priesthood is a “core issue” of my whole life. Therefore, the impossible can become possible-living the mystery of my priesthood.

                I realized that these holidays, I stayed in ore of my “hermitage.” I avoided the Sears town Mass or visit stores such as Barnes & Noble bookstore. Did to wan to meet anyone that knew. The Worcester Telegram & Gazette article of December 18^th list which was working on my mind with fear and anxiety.  

December 28, 2002

                The Worcester Telegram & Gazette gives us this day “Man wants priest’s case reopened” by Kathleen A. Shaw. She gives us: “Paul R. Edwards and Boston lawyer Carmen l. Durso are asking the Boston archdioceses to reopen its investigation of Monsignor Michael S. Foster and to conduct an ‘untainted’ inquiry. Mr. Edwards, of Winchendon, filed a lawsuit several months ago alleging that he was sexually abuse by Monsignor Foster during the early 1980s at the rectory of Sacred Heart parish in Newton and by the Rev. William J. Cummings, who died of AIDS in 1994. According to Mr. Durso, Monsignor Foster, who had ‘better financial resources than most priests,’ hired a public relations firm, a civil lawyer and several canon layers to discredit Mr. Edwards (Sound like Rueger’s case). Mr. Edwards later withdrew the suit when allegations against his credibility were made. He entered U Mass Memorial Medial Center last summer to deal with what he called ‘post-traumatic stress disorder.’ ‘After my two-week stay, a long and arduous decision was made between my doctors, my wife, Shannon and attorney Eric Parker to end any  and al civil action for my own mental health and fear of what the negative media campaign was doing,” he said. Mr. Parkeris a Boston lawyer who represented Mr. Edwards in the lawsuit.”331 

December 30, 2002

                I stopped at Bob-the-Hot Dog Truck for a visit. Immediately on entering the truck, Bob said to me that he read your name in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette (12/18/92) article that mentioned me with molesting two girls. He said it never mentioned me before and that I was the only one written-up with girls. I did say that there only the original article previous to this December list. He said that the other entire priest listed were with boys. I talked with him a short time and departed. There was nothing else that I said because I sensed that it would not have changed the atmosphere or that Bob was ready to hear. Actually, I walked away this time and did not have any anxiety or stinken-thinking. I was freer than I thought with such an encounter. Since 1993 for me, the presumption of guilt culture overwhelms the facts. Happy New Year! 

December 31, 2002

                The Boston Globe internet page gives us “Accused N. H. priest a resumed suicide” on this day. It reads: “The body of a New London, N.H., priest was found by a wooded area near Enfield; after he learned that he had been accused of molesting a minor in 1973 and was likely to be publicly removed from his parish during an investigation. The Very Rev. Richard T. Lwer, 57, pastor of Our Lady of Fatima church, is believed to have committed suicide, Patrick McGee, a Manchester Diocese spokesman said last night. The Rev. Edward J. Arsenault, the diocesan chancellor and a friend of Lwer, said last night that when he informed Lwer of the allegation late on Thursday, he asked Lower if there was any chance he might harm himself. ‘He was adamant he was going to be fine,’ Arsenault said. Enfield Police Captain Richard Crate said a hiker found Lowe’s body at about 10 a.m. Sunday on a trail not far from where his car was parked-about few hours after the diocese and Lowe’s relatives alerted police that he was missing. “332

                When I read this, I thought how I was handled by the Worcester Chancery in March of 1993. I was called by Bishop Rueger and told to be in the Chancery at 4:30 p.m. When I arrived I had Rueger and Tinsley go at me with the allegations which I felt as a “pounding.” Then Tinsley and Rueger get up from their chairs and Rueger leads me to the door saying: “Go get some supper.” I know when I returned to the rectory, I was told that I had a grayish color to my skin. I knew that I was confused and didn’t believe or understand the allegations by the two girls. Therefore, the way those two guys in the Chancery handled me and I was out on the street has some moral and other implications of treating another person. When I thought about it much later, it was frightening in one way but I had enough character to know that this was all false and I had to try to defend myself. As I said after visiting Bob’s-Hot- Dog Truck on December 30^th-the presumption of guilt culture overwhelms the facts.

                The year may be summarized by the Catholic Free Press issue if November 8^th with a front page picture of Bishop Reilly, article on the “Revised norms support key elements of bishops’ policy” and it’s “Editorial-Policy made stronger.”

                The front page picture showed Bishop Reilly as though waiting at a microphone to make a comment to the chair of the bishops’ conference. In the same photo shoed Cardinal Law of Boston standing behind Bishop Reilly waiting to speak next. Law had his hands followed in front of himself and had his head bowed, looking at the for-a capitulation of Law’s thinking would be worth a million words about Reilly,           

                This front page article “Revised norms support most of bishops’ policy” by John Thavis of the Catholic News Service. He reports: “Vatican City (CNS)-The revisions to the U.S bishops’ sex abuse norms reflect two overriding concerns at the Vatican: revulsion at clerical sexual abuse of minors, and apprehension over unfair treatment of priests (Guilty till proven innocent).

                “The first point explains why the Vatican ended up supporting key elements of the bishops’ strong policy against sex abuse; the second point accounts for the juridical safeguards it proposed in dealing with accused clerics.

                “Elaborated by a U. S,-Vatican commission and made public Monday, the revised norms contain compels provisions that are ill-suited to slogan descriptions like ‘zero tolerance’ and ‘one strike, you’re out.’

                “But the bottom line is that the Vatican agreed priests will be permanently removed from church ministry for ‘even a single act’ of sexual abuse and quite possibly dismissed from the clerical state-thus endorsing the main provision of the U.S. bishop’s norms.

                “The result was especially interesting because a number of Vatican officials and advisors had argued in recent months for a more tolerant approach, one that allowed for repentance and possibly reassignment of priests who had abused a single time.

                “To the surprise of many, the revised norms also maintain a wide definition of sexual abuse that goes beyond use of force or even physical contact. Fears that this would open the door to spurious accusations apparently did not convince member of the mixed commission.  “Another surprise was that the U.S.-Vatican commission extended the norms to include religious priest making it clear that religious orders are expected to follow the same rules in dealing with sex abuse accusations.   “The Vatican insisted that oversight of clerical sex abuse cases falls to the Congregation for the doctrine of the Faith, as announced by the Vatican last year.  In doing so, the Vatican not only reasserted its judicial control in these cases, but also underlined that it considers clerical sex abuses a crime of extraordinary magnitude.

                “All this showed that those Vatican officials took seriously Pope John Paul II’s statement last sprigs that ‘there is no place in the priesthood and religious life for those who would harm the young.’

                “But church officials in Rome also proposed a number of checks to ensure that priests are not railroaded out of ministry or injured by unfounded accusations. The norms now explicitly state that ‘all appropriate steps shall be taken to protect the reputation of the accused during the investigation.’

                “In particular, the revised norms mandate confidentiality in the investigation and church trail of an accused priest and in the actions taken by diocesan review boards…”333

                “This same issue printed in its “Editorial-Policy made stronger.” It stated: “Many people will be watching what the U. S. Bishops do in Washington this we regarding the revisions made to the sexual abuse policy that was quickly crafted in Dallas this summer.

                “A close reading of the changes shows that the policy was made stronger and that, while following canon law, bishops have the authority to remove priests from ministry as soon as they determine abuse has occurred.

                 “The so-called ‘one strike and you’re to’ policy was re-enforced with the directive that a bishop ‘ensure that any priest who has committed even one act of sexual abuse of a minor…shall not continue in active ministry.’

                “Unless victims are seeking retribution for the crimes committed, removal from ministry is just punishment from the Church. It takes the offending priest out of contact with the public in his official capacity.

                “There seems, however, to be some confusion in the public’s mind regarding removing a priest from ministry and dismissing a priest from the clerical state. They are not interchangeable terms. A priest taken out of ministry would not have the authority to say Mass publicly or to administer the sacraments-but he would still be a priest. He would not be allowed a public ministry or to present himself as a priest.

                “In exceptional cases, a man may be dismissed from the clerical state, a process called laicization.

                “The Church’s statue of limitations is broader than some civil statues in Massachusetts and the new policy could, in effect eliminate any time limit for Church prosecution. Despite the fact that the Church has a statue of limitations of 10 years for a victim’s 18 birthday (age 28), bishops may have that time limit waived and prosecute cases for 20 and 30 years.

                “According to Massachusetts law, criminal charges may be filed any time up to 15 years after a victim’s 16 birthday (age 31) incases involving rape allegations. Incidents involving lesser offenses such as inappropriate touching, indecent assault and battery, charges can be brought up to six years after the victim’s 16^th birthday (age 22). Civil lawsuits can be brought at any stage. It is up to the state legal system to mete out criminal and civil punishment and if there are deficiencies there, victims advocates should seek to change the laws.

                “One of the new norms states that ‘at all times, the diocesan bishop/eparch has the executive power of governance, through an administrative act, to remove an offending cleric from office, to remove or restrict his faculties, and to limit his exercise of priestly ministry.’ People need to be assured that this will happen when necessary.

                “A new norm also allows the bishop to get directly to the pope to seek dismissal of a priest or deacon from the clerical state-even without the consent of the priest or deacon.

                “In Massachusetts and most other states, church personnel are obligated to inform civil authorities of all cases of alleged sexual abuse of minor; this means not only abuse involving clerics, but lay people, parents, teachers, etc, as well. The norms would require dioceses to follow civil law in this regard but do not recluse a diocese from instituting a policy that goes beyond civil law. Bishop Reilly mandated that all church workers repot allegations of abuse against children to civil authority’s months before it became law here in Massachusetts. Victim advocates would also do well to work to change civil law in places where mandatory reporting is not the rule.

                “The revised policy also broadens its application to religious order as well as diocesan priests. Previously religious order as well as diocesan priests. Previously religious orders were not included.

                “The sexual abuse of children is such a grave offense that the universal law of the Church punishes the offender with penalties that can include dismissal from the clerical state, even when civil law does not act.

                “Most importantly, the norms commit the Church to the pastoral and spiritual care and emotional well-being of those who have been sexually abused and their families. Reaching out to victims must and will continue. Healing of all involved is the ultimate goal.”334

                This was the complete “editorial” in this issue. I sensed that it was written by Pedone who is the Vicar for Canon Law in the Worcester Diocese. It seemed to cover everything but one element-right of priests. Canon Law rights especially when one gets caught-up in a dragnet going through the water and having a Bishop Harrington and Bishop Rueger who had their own issues to cover-up. They, both, operated to preserve absolute authority and we know from history: “Absolute authority corrupts and absolute authority corrupts absolutely.” Besides all being said about these two bishops operating by putting me in a “hot house kitchen” for integration with blinds closed and being forced to sit up a light over you head does have psychological affects with Bishop Harrington repeating: “You’re guilty till proven innocent.” So, where were my rights?