2001

January 1, 2001

                What I do with everyone else on this day is wish people a “Happy New Year.” What I have already done since the First Sunday of Advent as the Church calendar of the new liturgical year. This day is my “Happy New Year.” Now, trying to explain it to someone connected or not connected with the Catholic Church, always, gets interesting. So, I, only, mosey along with this holiday. I do offer my Eucharist (Mass) of this day as intentions of “Thanksgiving.” In this attitude of being who I am and my relationship to God and the “People of God” that I know and had the please of meeting in my life’s journey.

                I had made this year- The Year of Coping. I take this from how the Chinese call each year as something different- the Year of the (Animals). I had a goal to learn better coping skills or techniques.

                One of my first conversations was with Margaret Peltola. She said to me “The Diocese should have handled the situation with us (St. Edward’s Parish) better than they had. Today, it s not so bad with the present staff.”

                Now, my first thought but did not say: Oh? It is double status with clericalism of Pastor and now Deacon. I had to realize that Margaret was a religious sister before she was married and moved to Westminster. She has donated her time and talent on a voluntary basis. She does have religious education credentials with a MA in Religious Education form Boston College. So, she had some background. But, then I hear her talk how the Deacon is able to help with the pastoral work of doing Baptisms and preaching.  I wanted but did not say that as long as such a situation develops that “creeping clericalism” was overcoming the role of the laity. In the matter of Baptism, the Deacon does not do the ceremony at Mass where it has to be the celebrant (priest).  If you have the Deacon capsizing, it has to be at a private ceremony. Therefore, if any Baptismal ecclesiology was to develop, the primary celebration was to be done at Mass within the faith community context. In some ways, this “creeping clericalism” was more of a 1951 model of Church which was before Pope John XXIII was elected and calling the Second Vatican Council. I, also, wanted to say to her that the Diocese just treated you as they treat everyone because of the hierarchical model in place. There is the expression that fits this type of model of “Pray and Pay!) The Diocese just would go on. I, also, wanted to say to her what did she spent as being parity of the Church on just being told, even in silence,  when  the hierarchy wanted your opinion or any opinion. She did talk with me how at the only Mass on New Years Day of 10:00 am (no obligation) where the church was nearly full and “so much talent” with individual cantor and singer. I held back my opinion o f saying that she was partially correct but that there were a number of these people that had “ego.” They needed stage to do “ministry.” A lot of the “continuing conversion” was really not in form. Then she spoke a lot of R.C.I.A. words and other ecclesial talk. But, I wanted but, again, did not say that it was still the old form of pre-Vatican time.

                So, my “Year of Coping” was off and running in good form. I have to realize that Margaret wanted to believe in a very idealistic fashion or was it my issue that is being idealistic of a “faith community”? 

January 4, 2001

                I was reading on the internet an article from Studies: an Irish Quarterly Review of Winter 2000 entitled: “Editorial-Scandals in the Church- The Irish Response.” This editorial began “Throughout the 1990s there were constant reports of child sexual abuse on a dreadful scale… For example, research by the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty in Britain shows that in 40 per cent of incidents of child abuse, the perpetrators were the victims’ fathers and in another 30 per cent of cases other relatives. Only in 4 per cent some have pointed to celibacy as a possible cause, others to the poor sexual and emotional formation of priests and religious. Yet others point to the authoritarianism of his church as an element in the explanation. However, as the psychiatrist, Dr. Patrick Walsh, state: “On the BBC programmer Sunday (4/12/1994), a celibate is less likely to molest a child sexually than a married man. Furthermore, Andrew Greeley has shown from his study of the Chicago Archdiocese that approximately, at most, 3 per cent of priests have been guilty of child abuse.”1

                This editorial decried the abuse crisis which I totally agreed with. However, it was the first time that I ever read or heard such an overview and statistics. Yet, I want to inject that in my particulars that some people had “attitude: towards the Catholic Church and let us not forget the issue of money. When are we able to get another viewpoint to a situation that is being explicated by certain groups- lawyers to say the least and Church authorities to imitate the “drag net through the water?”  By the way, this type of article I was never able to find or hear about in this country. 

January 6, 2001

                A former parishioner called me and asked “Did you watch last night the ABC program 20/20 with Barbara Walters on ‘Gay Priest’? She continued to say “I tried calling you because the whole program was on the gay priesthood and Aids. The priesthood is gay according to this program.” This parishioner was on the parish council and was connected to the Church. Besides all this, she had two brothers in her family that were gay. So, I, actually, didn’t answer her with any comments or statements besides saying that I did not see the program. But, I did say that hearing this kept me curious of what the media was attempting to do and waiting for Church people reacting time. My curiosity continued on with a spirit of perseverance and adaptation. Many times I had to recall of keeping it in the present 24 hours.

                One of my cousins called me for Santa Fe, NM. He related to me that in the Santa Fe Archdiocese that there were 36 out of the toll of 70 priests in this Archdiocese on administrative leave because of sexual allegations. This type of news and similar has one really wondering of what was really gong on in this country and the Catholic Church.  It may be brought forward that issues of the 1970s were now being discovered from the dark recesses of one’s mind and those feelings being brought forward to light by present day counselors, courts, and lawyers. One has to only consider the numbers and wonder from a percentage viewpoint or any viewpoint. The game goes on- sue a priest for it is the thing to do.  

January 12, 2001

                This one gets good. I read in National Catholic Reporter a story “Priest may sue church, California court rules.” The article states: “A California appellate court has rules that a priest who was placed on administrative leave after reporting suspected child abuse to the police can sue his church. The court said that the ‘compelling state interest in protecting children’ justified legal consideration of the San Francisco Archdiocese disciplinary measures against Fr. John Conley, the San Francisco Chronicle reported….Conley’s suit had been dismissed by a lower court on the grounds that I would violate the church’s freedom of religion… Conley also charges that he was libeled by an archdiocesan spokesman who in 1998 wrote a letter to a local paper accusing the priest of conducting a ‘witch hunt’ against Fr. James Aylward…The archdiocese has said that it encouraged Conley to report the incident to the police (priest wrestling with a teenager) and that it place Conley on leave for unrelated behavioral problems.”2

                This story of similar ones gets reported and then we don’t read anything more. Now, this had to be put into context in that a priest is not able to sue his bishop in civil court. So, where was this whole story going?

                I did have a similar or I thought similar possible situation in that my civil lawyer did say to me that my “case was far from over if I wished to pursue it.”  There was a whole string of accusations that were printed in the local newspaper as Bishop Rueger calling me “odd” and other related matter pertaining to my case. First of all, I would have had to leave the priesthood and the other matter of no money had me have no options. 

January 14, 2001

                I still struggled with my situation in an emotional way. The allegations and what the hierarchical Church did to me was the familiar “roller coaster” ride. It did affect how I reacted to meeting people in which I had a shame attitude that I carried with myself. I, also, felt ostracized from the Worcester Diocese and society in general. It was as though I was a “leper.” This may be that I was comfortable with attending AA meetings because there is the anonymously issue. But, even there, people would find out who you are and do for work because of the surrounding area. It did affect me at times and other times I would walk anywhere and anytime with no worry of anyone saying anything of what appeared in the newspaper. I had no one to blame but myself and any isolation that I experienced. There was the element of living with sharks in that you may prink you fingered and the sharks will eat off your arm.

                I heard Kathy Lee Griffin (Singer and TV Hostess) gave in an ABC program – The View in an interview, said about her in that the only power she had over her choices and way she acted and responded to things. So, she said that she can’t control what other do so she just “gives it up” and goes on.  I called Kathy Lee Griffin as the predicament philosopher. She seemed to give a strong public and personal presentation of her way of life. But, I wonder if it was all a performance. This attitude is one that I hear more offend that one might believe. I have heard this number of times by different individuals since 1993. However, they are walking in m shoes.  

                I don’t have such an approach to life and give things up as such. There is the element of what I call the “groundhog game” in which the groundhog pops-up and one tries to hammer it and it ducks into the ground. Then, when you aim towards another area, the same groundhog pops-up. It does get better in time of not reflecting that way as before. However, I found strength through my working the AA program and people that walked with me through events since 1993. 

January 16, 2001

                I came across an article on the internet “Catholic panel to screen British clergy candidates for child abuse. It reported that “all aspirants for the Catholic priesthood would be vetted by a new national body under the proposals being considered  by an independent committee set up to root out child abusers…Senior officials said they now recognized the need for thorough screening of candidates for the priesthood-carried out nationally to ensure consistency. At present, each diocese is responsible for training and monitoring its clergy and although theocracy drew up national procedures for child protection in 1994, these have not been uniformly applied. The committee is also under pressure to recommend that clergy undergo regular assessments throughout their careers to ensure that priests who develop pedophile tendencies are identified. Such a move would, however, be strongly resisted by the clergy, and Church officials said there were already assessment procedures in place although these might require strengthening.”3

                When I read this, I wondered if Jesus, even in his divine state, would be able to minister. Talk about tightening up on priest and their behavior. What is more important is there is a panel, who is appointed and what recourse does a priest have. What procedures would they follow on a priest as he does his pastoral ministry? Would things turn into witch hunt of the Salem, Massachusetts early years? Would such a panel have stock in ankle bracelets?  Would a constant” dragnet is going through the water.” The questions would keep expounding to ask: What is really going on? I imagine many mothers would be lining-up their sons to become priests.

January 17, 2001

I had coffee with another priest who shared with me a story that I wondered about and was aware that he was seeking my reaction and any comments. I listened. He said the “guys” (priests were talking that the Worcester Diocese would have given Fr. Inzarello a positive recommendation to work anywhere else- another diocese. Hey, he gets assigned to St. Leo’s, Leominster as Associate/Curate. This priest says that Inzarello is “back-in.” I was thinking that this may be somewhat true but it is like the fox is in the chicken cop and the Diocese has tied Inzarello n the corner of the chicken cop. Let’s not forget that Inzarello was Vocation Director under Bishop Harrington. How much did he have on “dirt” on fellow priest? There is a lot more to hit guy’s story and him getting assigned in the manner. I, also, heard from this priest how the Deanery (section) meetings were not on a regular monthly schedule. It developed to a bi-monthly. I heard that one priest would not attend if there was no agenda in reference to getting together once a month. There is some truth that certain guys wanted something because it was their, what I call, “show time” and gather gossip. It is a different game that this guy I was having coffee with. A good example was how this guy mentioned to me how he read in the National Catholic Reporter section “Letters-to-the-Editors” on “Priests and AIDS.” I only said: “They (letters) are the most interesting of these particular papers.” I dropped it and changed the topic. I wouldn’t go there to his question. This priest was “slick” in his techniques. I describe him as driving along a major highway and you see those “chicken haws” circling above the highway, watching to scope some prey. It was the game in a very sophisticated way of testing to find out what my opinion is on certain issues. This is the same priest that I went with to the retreat center in Canada. He would say, a number of times to me, that the “Fathers at the retreat house are very interested in you.” Get me out of here. Yet, this guy would, what I call a smoke screen-up,   by making a very derogatory remark about a waitress who was a young college girl: “What is the young ---- doing tonight?” He had a style even in his Pastorship of do ceremonies and only the basics and that would be the end of the discussion. He protected his own turf and didn’t invest much else of himself for anyone.  

January 22, 2001

                One of the rewards by dong research in a lot of reading was the article “Living with Silencing” by Sr. Jeannette Gramick. She wrote in the National Catholic Reporter “As time goes on, I am growing more at peace with God’s will. Whatever happens happens….I has faced that in prayer and I’m not going to fall apart. I have gained so much strength through my prayer life. I think I have been showered with God’s grace.”4

                Sr. Gramick had been silenced by the Vatican. But, she has shared her journey. It made me realize or better yet, recall that I have been showered with God’s grace in so many ways in my journey of life and ministry. I have not been doing anything with this on mind. I don’t mention very much about my prayer life. But, I do say Mass daily, do my Divine Office daily, rosary when I get my three mile walk in during the day and do spiritual reading besides my other readings.

                This brings to me how I was reminded how we, as the Catholic Church are never to force others to accept our moral beliefs according to the latest edition of the Catechism of the Catholic Church.  This had me realizing the abortion issue and our society. I realized that in such a situation, it is a demand of charity that we respect other beliefs even though we do not accept them. We need to get peole to listen to the teaching of Jesus as expressed by the Church by forming personal relationships by reaching out to others with love and understanding. We have forgotten how to evangelize. We need to be helping the woman contemplating an abortion or other issues by finding out the problem of the woman seeking an abortion. We, as Church, need to effectively present its message and not resorting to passing laws. But, is anyone listening to anything besides themselves and a black and white answer-period.

                I share this insight because I read in the National Catholic Reporter and article “Wiegel see (Cardinal) Bernardin behind vote: But bishops’ lack authority traced to scandal” by Eugene Kennedy. He writes that George Weigel blamed the late cardinal Joseph Bernardin for the fact that Al Gore won the Catholic vote by 50 percent to 47 percent over Bush. However, “no survey to back this up,” Wiegel writes that “my hunch is that the ‘seamless garment’ framework promoted by the late Cardinal Joseph Bernadine of Chicago was at work here.” It is this ‘seamless garment,’ he contends, that has done all the damage during the past 15 years. …Kennedy writes “The real damage came from the crisis of priest pedophile that exploded in 1985 and is yet to be fully acknowledged or understood by the nation’s bishops. It is an eve greater scandal because the bishops have not forged a national policy to deal with this unhealed wound in Catholic life….Should he bishops be surprised that their growing emphasis on abortion as an all-or-nothing issue can never ring true until they rediscover a consistent ethic in dealing with the true nightmare issue of the last 15 years-clergy sexual abuse?”6

                The article that I mention here is seeing someone like Kennedy going after the bishops in print. Even when he wrote in this article “If you want a reason for Catholics withdrawing their confidence in Episcopal authority, it found in the bishops moral failure with this sexual (abuse) crisis.”7 I have my ears and feet on the street as a priest. This type of statement is far from what the parishioners have, in general, towards the bishops. What I sense many times are that there are comments of people with agendas with the Catholic Church or need something to justify their non-participation. I never heard or read anybody leaving the Church because of my allegations or stopping donations or anything. Whenever I get a media report, I initially react to what the question is posed and talking to whom in an article...  I don’t say it is to an issue, but not at the level the media or even the bishops themselves play-out. As I said, it depends who is talking and when. In addition is the issue of “repress memory” issue that I believe is being played by lawyers and media and even some doctors. A lot, I believe, has to do with lawsuits. Even the Cartoon-Doonesbury, in the latest printing, mentioned “No. No. I’m just thinking lawsuit.”8 It is part of the culture.  

January 29, 2001

                This latest development has the Boston scene having alleged victims of defrocked priest John. J. Georghan sexually abused them as children are able to sue now Cardinal Law for letting the priest work after allegedly learning in 1984 that he molested several boys, a Suffolk (Massachusetts) judge has ruled. According to Judge James McHugh approved a motion to add the cardinal as a defendant in 24 out of 84 lawsuits pending against Georghan and five bishops. The atmosphere has Cardinal Law, had previously said that the charges against Geoghan sickened him but he maintained the church acted “as responsible as we can. Were we able to put ourselves back 10, 20, 30 years, would we be able, with the knowledge we have now, to do things differently? Of course we would.”9 

February 2, 2001

                I was reading the morning newspaper and the Doonesbury cartoon has two people talking over coffee: “I have to re-invent myself and yet I haven’t a clue how to go about it! Well, girlfriend, I’ve been there and there’re a few things you just have to do… Like what? We, first organize your day around ‘Oprah.’ Already done it. Give me a little credit.”10 This had me recalling a conversation with Attorney Ted Carey telling me that the two girls that allegated me that McCormick  had developed her ideas and then talked with Weber after watching the TV talk show hostess- Oprah on this theme that Doonesbury had in this February printing. As this cartoon spoke “I have to re-invent myself, and yet I haven’t a clue how to go about it!” Obviously, one can use other sources besides what really may be happening in a truer sense.

                There are times that I feel like David Janson from the TV program- The Fugitive. This program had David Janson as an actor who was falsely accused for killing his wife. He was on the run from the law being accused, but tracking down the real killers of his wife. There are days that I have this same thought and wonderment. He had something to prove.

                What I had o realize at is time was that there was a “cooperative severity” occurring with a patriarchal subjugation. I did not hear from the Bishop or anyone since 1995 connected with the Worcester Chancery. It was reality that was not what the Church was when I was ordained or I was wearing rose colored glasses. I don’t think so. 

February 4, 2001

                While I write, I have to realize that it takes courage. But, when we speak of courage, anxiety and fear are implied. I noticed that I was so scrupulous with how to say some insights I am addressing. I was able to write in the manner that I usually speak from the pulpit in preaching. Another thought I had at this time was that I would write from the perspective of having the ability of listening to people, and to feel and sense what the human experiences of that person or situation.  I felt that this was a very positive factor in my personhood.  

February 13- February 27, 2001

                I went on my annual retreat and did some visiting of friends. I had to realize that I had been caught-up in a vacuum. 

February 28, 2001

                On my return I read on the internet of Catholic News- Wollongong (Australia) priest wins appeal to Rome over suspension. You don’t read about this happen in in the United States. It was reported by The Sydney Morning Herald that the Vatican has overruled its Australian bishops by ordering the reinstatement to pastoral duties of a Wollongong priest whose conviction for molesting a former altar boy was overturned on appeal. Fr. John Nester was convicted in 1997 of having molesting the former altar boy and was sentenced to 16 months’ jail. The conviction was overturned on appeal the same year, but then bishop of Wollongong, The Most Rev. Philip Wilson, order an internal church inquiry into complaints about Fr. Nestor, advising him that “significant additional material that I have received…has bee cause of worry concerning your suitability for a further pastoral appointment in the diocese or any other.” Fr. Nestor appealed his case to Rome. “The decree, signed by the head of the Vatican Congregation for the Clergy, Cardinal Dario Castrillon-Hoyos, orders Fr. Nester to be restored immediately to the full exercise of his priestly ministry in Wollongong and call for restitution of what he was deprived of in being asked to stand aside. The Congregation notes that Fr. Nestor had been exonerated by the civil judicial system and that there was no evidence of any accusation against him that had been verified by recognizable legal means.”11 

March 1, 2001

                I get back to writing and realize “for what I have written, I have written.” Wasn’t it Pontius Pilot that said that? Well, it gets me reflecting and writing in my daily journal with a spin of research of printed materials. I had this reseeding thought in a cynical way about religion being either a playful irony or being completely dismissive. There is that recurring thought to have a complete chapter: Tinker Bell and Pixy Dusting: Priest style of Gas Station Sacraments. It does get more interesting when there is a challenge taken on all involved being as parents, priest and Church Staff. But, the game goes on of having the ceremony and out everyone goes. Even the professional people connected with this undertaking. There is the resounding message of speaking a language of giving, but speak rarity of taking. Now, these revealing insights have me back at my daily journal. 

March 2, 2001

                I’m reading about Fr. Donald B. Cozzens, whose recent book is The Changing Face of the Priesthood: a Reflection of the Priest’s Crisis of Soul had resigned as president-rector of St. Mark Seminary and Graduate School of theology in Wickliffe, Ohio. An interesting quote in relation to what I experienced was how he speaks candidly about priest and his conviction “that the priesthood is at the edge of anew day following a painful yet purifying dark night.”12

                What has my eyes open whenever reading or hearing about something of a “dark night” issue is what I have written about in the “dragnet going through the water?” One must not forget that the hierarchy used certain occasions to “purify” their work. What we don’t hear or read about that there is the element of “enlightenment” that is not related to what is, actually, going on in the Catholic Church. Personalities overcame principles. The issue of power and authority is not even mention. But, it is so that at times in the Church that it is not until many years later that another version or side of the side will become know. I know one major factor at my ordination in 1970 was that I thought one thing and it was far from what reality had to be in a rectory. I was not wise about the psychology of existing “systems’ and “institutions” of that age. It was that I was wearing rose colored glasses. 

March 9, 2001

                I found an article by John Thavis- Vatican Letter: “Light in darkness: Investigated theologian finds solace in diary.” This article was about Father Jacques Dupuis. The article state “In the darkest movements of this lengthy investigation by the Vatican, Jesuit Father Dupuis said he found solace reading the 50-year-old diary of a French theologian. The theologian was Father Yves Congar, A Dominican censured by the Vatican’s Holy Office and forced to keep silent for several years before his ‘rehabilitation’ in 1960 and his return to church favor…As he was fighting his quiet battle with the Vatican, Father Dupuis hear that the late Father Congar’s diary had been published and went to pick up a copy. It detailed a long-running dispute with the Holy Office. ‘It was such a concrete book for me, in my situation. I found in Father Congar’s text what I was feeling personally. He says it far better than I could, but I can truly say I experienced the same thing,’ Father Dupuis said. The diary, “Journal d’un Theologian” (“A Theologian’s Journal”) offers a glimpse at the anguish experienced by a church-man who felt betrayed by the method of the hierarchy. Father Congar pulled no punches in this private account.”13

                I possibly thought by reading such a work, it might give me some different insights in my present situation. It, however, was a complete different matter. It was related to the four letter word- sex. When one gets near that, it is a completely different world with Church authority. It, eve, played immediately with Bishop Harrington with “You’re guilty till proven innocent.” It was interesting reading this in regards of journal writers and other people’s insights.  

March 14, 2001

                I finished reading Cardinal Ratzinger: the Vatican Enforcer of the Faith by John J. Allen, Jr. This book was published in2000 about Cardinal Ratzinger- Prefect of the Holy Office in Rome.

                I struggled reading this book but it did take me from my seminary years up to today which is some 40 years of the Church climate in a worldly view. John Allen was the Rome correspondent for the National Catholic Reporter in which he drew me from the Vatican II document- Guadem et Spes (The Pastoral Constitution of the Church in the Modern World) in that we are part of the world and not today’s official pronouncements being “sings of contradiction.” I accepted and was ordained to a Church that claimed “joy, hop, grief, and anguish f of humanity forming its central concern and now, at the same time be governed by men who see the catacombs as the proper dwelling place.” Ratzinger used the image of a “mustard seed” to express the Church. But, the papacy and he have consistently worked to reset a theological wedge between the Church and the world that Gaudem et Spes introduced and now are ready to remove it. One see this in the reports on the breed of seminarians who don barrettes and bishops more concerned with the placement of the tabernacle into the center of a Church’s main altar. This work brought out, against for me the Incarnation and Resurrection, which I have always believed and was taught in the seminary, in the context of the Passion of Christ. This would bring out the question: What would Jesus do? 14

This, however, reinforced in me of who I am. I am and would remain a Roman Catholic because of I do from within the kononia (community). I believe that I have to acculturate to the Church because there are aggravated parities that may be satisfied by breaking with the climb of renewal. My faith continues to be in the Roman Catholic Kononia (Community). I make this judgment with inconvenience and discomfort in order to reawaken my “tool box” (gifts/talents) It is my Paschal Mystery. There is at this time in this Church the struggle of the current papacy stressing a theology in which faith is supposed to be expressed in the transcendental against a faith of the assembly. I have to state that I have been and am a disciple of the assembly model (People of God). God is working through each of us through the power of the Holy Spirit. 

March 18, 2001

                I was thinking about my writing. It was somewhat like Andy Rooney does on CBS- 60 Minutes program where he gives his commentary on relevant topics. It was somewhat what I did in the parish in my daily homilies at weekday Masses. It was an enlighten person in self-discovery and change in a daily manner of life in general. This was what I was finding with my journal writing. However, I never expected to substitute for Andy Rooney.  

March 23, 2001

                The Bridgeport (Conn.) Diocese settled sex abuse claims. The Catholic News Service reported that Msgr. Gronkiewicz “said most of the alleged incidents of abuse occurred in the 1970s.”15 Whenever I see this I realize there is a pattern by Chanceries and lawyers having these dates. By the way, let’s not forget that this was (1970s) when my two alleged allegations would have taken place.

                The same story was carried by the National Catholic Reporter who reported “The confidential agreement stemmed from more than 20 lawsuits filed by people who claimed they were sexually victimized by priests over a 30-year period beginning in the 1960s. The Bridgeport diocese sought to hide the abuse by moving priests to different parishes, lawyers for the victims claimed.”16.

                I pray and hope that I will live long enough to be around when someone does a professional research paper on how the 1970s and 20 0r 30 years later issues are addressed in the courts or outside the courts in money settlements due to a certain pattern of “recall memory” or even having an agenda against the Church or priest in general. Possibly some researcher will investigate the “supposed victims” and their possible agendas with lawyers and media. I don’t say that there have not been “victims” as such. There are victims of priest abuse. But, cases as myself and many other priest and church laypeople, there are other stories to proven differently. I pray for those real victims that God’s grace will be upon them and that they have a healing experience and strength of the faith community in their lives.  

March 29, 2001

                Five years ago, the Rev. James Hiles sued the Episcopal Diocese of Massachusetts for libel and slander after he was suspended for alleged sexual misconduct. A civil court dismissed portion so the suit, saying only an ecclesiastical court had jurisdiction to decide church disputes, not a secular court But the Massachusetts Appeals Court reversed that ruling and sent portion of the case back to superior Court.

                “In a partial victory  for a removed Episcopal priest, the State Appeals Court ruled that he should be allowed to sue the heads of the diocese for allegedly conspiring to vilify him…However, the judges wrote, misconduct such as slander ‘is to necessarily beyond the reach of civil courts merely because such conduct occurs in a religious context.”17

                Now, how does that stand with Bishop Rueger calling me “odd” in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette in 1995? But, we priest were reminded time in and time out that a priest is not able to sue the bishop (Canon Law).  

April 6, 2001

                The Catholic Free Press had an article about the Vianney House for Retired Clergy. This is something that I wonder about. This would take someone like I that wanted to live alone have to go to such living conditions. It sounds good: “Each apartment at Vianney House features a living room, bedroom, kitchenette and bathroom. A small evaluator transports the residents to several common rooms in the three-floor complex. These include: the chapel, laundry room, dinning room and a recreation room, which houses a television, pool table and treadmill.”18 Sound good? I and a number of other clergy that I speak with, drop the topic when anyone talks about it. What is important to realize is that diocesan clergy are not religious order clergy. Diocesan priest are individual orientated in comparison to religious order priest in that we are not community living orientated. So to come and live in community as the Vianney House is in playing in my mind. However, rectory living was at times in days of old with pastor and housekeeper structure.  The housekeeper was the eyes and ears of the pastor and she would bang the pots and pans, answer the telephone, front door and watch what you brought into the rectory.  It would be the old way of people watching when you came in, asked what you had in a bag you were carrying? Sorry, I thought those days were over with. But, the newspaper glorifies it for the annual Bishop’s Fund.

                While visiting the Trappist Monastery Bookstore in Spencer, Massachusetts, I spoke with a diocesan priest that was a pastor. The conversation was on his part where he said that they (Chancery or small group of parishioners) still didn’t get his out of his Pastorship. He said that he is on fur diocesan committees and knows nothing on what is going on in policies of the Chancery or Diocese. There is besides the “special group” of clergy another element of priest that is “full of them.” These clergy supposedly know more of what is happening in the chancery than the chancery knows. In addition, they spread rumors very appropriately in the clergy network. But, I have to say that one of the biggest couplets of spreading stories was Bishop Harrington as auxiliary bishop and then becoming the Ordinary of the Diocese especially at Confirmation ceremonies. He had his certain group of “buddies” that were in on the talk line. In addition the priest at the Trappist bookstore continued on to say that Bishop Reilly runs everything and everyone keeps his or her talk very private. The style seems to be secrecy on chancery employees. Things are run only by the Bishop and no one knows or talks (gossips) about anything. This is very hard to believe in that for so many years there was such lose talk on the Chancery people and certain groups of priests that we priest lived in a fish-bowl ministry. I was very happy to hear this guy saying this. This must have certain priest very upset in not having the story before the media. This brings to mind Oscar Wild quote: “One can survive everything…and live except a good reputation.” Boy, try to survive a good reputation in the clergy atmosphere was beyond possibility. In addition I heard recently that newspaper and media reporter or program host will keep asking questions until they get what the want. This was how I felt with Harrington’s Chancery Gang and what they did to me besides their techniques.

March 17, 2001

                The priest of Worcester Diocese made the newspaper with Kathleen A. Shaw of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette reporting “Worcester hosting priest convention: Meeting will have an interfaith start.” She reported: “The convention will formally open at 7 p.m. Monday at Wesley United Methodist Church, 114 Main St., with an interfaith ceremony. The Rev. Barbara W. Meritt, senior pastor of First Unitarian Church, will address the convention, and said that she may be the first woman cleric to do so.”19 The convention was annual National Federation of Priest Council and Worcester priest hosted this year’s event. Thee were over 270 priest registered to attend from all parts of the country, Canada, and Great Brittan. What was peculiar that the few clergy I know, none attended. Obviously, I tried reading anything I was able to find about it. My eyes did open with one workshop where one was on “When You’re Left to pick up the Pieces: Internal and External Dynamics in the Aftermath of Scandal.”

                I know I would have participated for the mission of this Federation is for priest to have a voice. I knew one priest in the Diocese that was in my Deanery who would not be identified because he was more concerned with his “red rash” syndrome. He, always, was political with the Bishop and Chancery. Even Bishop Reilly addressed this gathering. But, this one priest and others have their own nationality group and find a Federation of Priest as a treat to their group. It is something to watch. 

March 19, 2001

                The Catholic Telecommunications (CT) carried the story” “Vatican Views British church hardliner on pedophile as test case.” The article  stated” “Vatican officials have welcomed British is Cardinal Cormac-O’Connor’s ‘courageous initiative’ in setting up a review on the problem of pedophile priest, adding that it could become a model for other Catholic authorities seeking to address ‘this grave issue.’ Last month the Vatican said it was already monitoring the problem of sexual abuse by priests, including pedophile and the rape of nuns. This came after a report by senior members of female religious congregations testifying to hundreds of cases in which Catholic male clergy had ‘exploited their financial and spiritual authority to gain sexual favors from religious women.’ “20

                This information about religious sister has been in the media especially stories of nuns in Africa. But, this was the first time that I have seen this combined with pedophile. 

April 20, 2001

                The Worcester Telegram & Gazette and the priesthood had an interesting jostling that went on for a week of days. It began with an article on April 20^th by Jim Dempsey, a columnist for the city paper with “Convention may mask mischief: Will cigarette-puffing altar boys be next?” Dempsey wrote: “Brace you for the invasion, Worcester. It’s going to be ugly. The Gang in Black is coming. They’ll be streaming into thrown today by the hundreds, dressed in their’ colors’ hanging around in groups and speaking their own strange sub-group jargon. No doubt they’ll  compare notes about their various ‘chapter,’ talk about how things are going back on their own turf and then do a little ‘socializing.’ God save us all. No, I’m not talking about the upcoming visit of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle enthusiastic. I know that the coming of those feared Harley fancies has put a twist in everyone’s panties, but the truth is that your basic hog rider these days is rarely a hell-raising Hell’ Angel. ..Nor am I talking about an invasion by the maniacal fans of some mediocre rock band. Worcester solved that problem years ago by all but banning The Grateful Dead….No, I’m talking about a group of men who dress exclusively in black, not unlike those paleface kids who call themselves Goths, and whose hero is a convicted criminal who received the death penalty. The Priests.  They’re coming today for a whole week. Nearly 300 of them. And what are the priests going to be up this weekend? Dempsey going on “In sort, I see nothing but grief coming out of this. They’ll inspire the locals with their trouble making ways, and when they leave we’ll have the problems of swaggering, cigarette-puffing altar boys to deal with…It will be all over soon. In the meantime don’t panic, and let’s all enjoy the business spin-off.”21

                Well, the next day, Saturday, the editor followed-up with “An apology for a satire that misfired.” Harry T. Whitin responded “Another week and another controversy over religion and free speech in the newspaper. Yesterday, the Telegram I Gazette published a column by local new columnist Jim Dempsey that prompted an immediate and angry response from many readers. The column toke satirical aim at the city of Worcester’s schizophrenic courtship of a motorcycle owners’ group that is planning a big rally and meeting in Worcester…Let’s not mince words: In my opinion, the humor failed. His column did not come across as funny or even satirical. Instead it came across as mean-spirited, anti-Catholic and crude…I take some of the blame personally. I had the opportunity to intervene in this process and kill the column or send it back for rewriting, I did not. To those who were offended, please consider this our official apology. No offense was intended, but it’s easy to see how offense could be taken.”22

                When I first read the initial article and then editors comments, I wondered what they would have been facing is if they wrote this about a Jewish group or say Hispanics? Satire is one issue and when you use the First Amendment to mix it in, is it a free game out here? How about the money people being addressed by this newspaper or the old guard of this community? Would people have their jobs to say the least? The questions are more interesting to ask. In print Dempsey did say he used to be an altar boy. I wondered what his real agenda was in writing such a “satire”. As for the editor, one has to know the history of this city paper and the overall perspectives they basically have printed.

                Well, by the middle of the week, we get from Worcester Telegram & Gazette “Journalist bids adieu to column: ‘Danger’ of satire clear in piece on priests.” Dempsey wrote his final column stating “So this is my last column for the Telegram & Gazette. I hope to be going back to the world of reporting, where I won’t have to worry about voicing my opinions or occasionally being provocative. Exactly what I mgt be covering, I don’t know. But I’ve got an idea it won’t be religion.”23 Now who says that writing from the “world of reporting” is not his opinion? How objective would he be reporting to have us read “fake” news?

                They’re not done with this that is the Worcester Telegram & Gazette. The next day Dianne Williams, a columnist for this same paper gives us “Apology missed its mark: Mr. Dempsey’ fans voice heir support.” She stated in this column one response “‘A Newspaper shouldn’t recoil in horror every time people get offended.’ Bravo caller. And bravo to every reader who understands that no one has the constitutional right to be protected from offense-especially when the alleged offense is generated by a satirical opinion column.”24

                Williamson had some interesting columns on the same group of people that Dempsey used “satirical” writing. It gets interesting when different people use constitutional rights as an n bases for their positions.  The lines get very blurry. These columnist need to be edited for spelling and grammar, accuracy, cogency of argument, crispness of thought and overall taste. Some columnists just don’t get it.

                Yet, I have to live in this diocese where they have unofficially “ordered” me to “retire” by saying “We’ll get back to you.” Then as now hear nothing. 

April 22, 2001

This Sunday I get not phone call or invited by anyone to visit. It does get to me at times such as this day. So, I became busy by reading my folder of articles that I had in my “save basket.’ I had been doing special writings on “Liturgical Catechesis” in my “Blue Book” folder. This was weekly reflections on the liturgy from an R.C.I.A. format in a parish setting. I was accumulating a large bind of these “blue books.” When I get my creative juices going, time disappears. 

April 26, 2001

                I was reading how Catholic theologians contend that the process of investigation by the Vatican on their writings is overly secretive, lacking dues process and presumed guilty which gives scholars little opportunity to defend themselves. This was all conducted by Cardinal Ratzinger of the Congregation of the Faith in Rome. Oh? I don’t consider myself a scholar but this is the same reaction that I have in my particulars dealing with Bishop Harrington who three at me verbally: “You’re guilty till proven innocent.” Then I had to have to hear from Fr. Stephen Pedone, who is now, Msgr. Pedone: “We have other things on you, Ted!” this was the time that he stuck his finger into my chest on my departure from the temporary Chancery at the Sisters of Notre Dame Mother Huse. This was indication of the times and atmosphere of the authority operating. Church History has volumes of such stories. This was not the atmosphere of the Second Vatican Council but a post-period. A priest rights were no existent, again.  

May 1, 2001

                I read on the internet this morning “TV documentary claims ‘clues of gay priests’ dividing Church.” The article reported: “The growing number of homosexual men trading for the Catholic priesthood is creating ‘divisive cliques” of gay and straight students, according to the rector of an English seminary.  A documentary screening on Britain’s Channel 4 titled Queer and Catholic claims that there are many practicing homosexuals in similarities who conceal their sexuality. Fr. Kevin Haggerty of St. John’s Seminary in Surrey told the program that sub-cultures and a danger in seminaries. He said” ‘they are inappropriate for the priesthood and contrary to the openness required for a priest.’ Speaking to the press, he said: “I don’t think we can avoid the issue any more. A lot of people’s gut reactions to this issue are not rational. They immediately think of the risk of abuse of children. The problem for the Church is one of perception. Homosexuality is not a problem in itself; the important point is the sexual maturity of the priests.’ Fr. Haggerty said the Church had introduced psychological assessments for all candidates in which they were asked about their sexuality. ‘What we want to find out is whether they are able to make free, moral decisions about their lifestyle.’ Suggesting the program is unhelpful, the Catholic Media Office (Britain) said: ‘It an issue which seminary rectors are talking about.’” Another reflection I had in that this program or any program as such never was seen or produced in the United States.

                These tests I found were being implemented when I was approaching ordination. What I thought about reading this article was my experience for 39 years (8 years seminary and 31 ordained). So, those tests had never taken in account candidates resolve, character and toughness. I wondered always about the system of the seminary and when you were ordained and assigned as a “curate.” I had the expression throw at me by a Monsignor Chalwek that he would have trained-after ordination- to be a “good priest.” This was what I learned after a few years in the seminary, an over-up on the part of the authority and seminary facility. I always wondered about a “cover-up” because of the seminary authorities that were making the decision for a guy to be ordained. What about those seminary authorities and their sexual orientation? It was very popular at the time while I was in the seminary of the term “fruits” and “The Boys-in-the-Band” being in concert. It was not talked about very much. But, it was there.

                So, when I read about “Searching for Stability” in The Priest by Father Thomas J. McDonnell, a priest of the Archdiocese of Boston with a doctorate in theology from the Gregorian University in Rome and now pastor in South Boston, Mass., I find a "smokescreen." He begins the article referring to Father Donald Cozzens’ work, The Changing Face of the Priesthood as “discouraging.” He continues “Moreover, his projection about the future of the priesthood in America is equally disheartening. But I do no believe that what he now claims o be true necessarily must unfold in the future. It is his tone of almost resigned inevitability about a future priesthood populated by a disproportionate number of men with a homosexual orientation which cause concerned and results in the following reflection. Father Cozzens is correct in noting that there is a ‘crisis’ concerning the priesthood and priestly identity today. He uses his knowledge of contemporary psychology and sociology to shed light upon the situation. But there is a lack of an overall theology and spiritual framework against which his data should be measured. And as Philip Rief points out in his Triumph of the Therapeutic, the therapeutic thrust of our culture leads to supremacy of self-determination as the ideal. Rationality, (our own reasoned insights) becomes autonomous. I believe Father Cozzens often unconsciously reflects such in his book.” Then the article continues “Although in a reflection as this (we cannot deny his valid points), we would point out that the major defect of his work is to be found in the lack of a spiritual and theological frame of reference such as is found in Pope John Paul II’s…. Clearly, we are in the realm of mystery and transcendence…As I approach my 40^th anniversary as a priest, I find myself reflecting on this demanding but beautiful life I have come to love. I know that the priest search for reasons why they have become and remain priests. They will find such reasons if they are open to the mystery of vocation and to the true nature of priestly identity. They will not find it in this book.”26

                I was waiting to read a review that would challenge Cozzen’s work. This is where; I also, react to terms as “mystery” and “transcendence” because I heard this while in the seminary. But, one ordained and in the parish, the issue was authority and power- a very sudden cultural prospective. There is the status element of clerical versus laity. There is a very distinct factor in the Church as shown by Canon Law. One only has to try to compare in this Canon Law the rights of the laity. It is an eye opening undertaking even with the newly revised Church Canon Law of the 1980’s.

                I have issue and have had issue with the system. So, the gay seminarians and gay priest were a factor that I found ways to function with, but how they and a certain other “elitist” element were and do cause anxiety. The issue was somewhat resolved for me in being a priest due to the renewal especially in our Easter liturgical celebrations of annual renewing of our baptismal vows- clergy and laity.

                But, this anxiety had me realizing by reading at this time that it was an ongoing issue with me. Newsweek has a special section at this time entitled” “Anxiety Disorders Update” by Jeffrey Paul Kahn, M.D. He explains “When people feel ordinary anxiety, they are usually thinking about something bad that has happened- or could happen. Those thoughts seem to offer reason enough for the anxiety. But some times nervousness last a long time, becomes overwhelming or starts to affect daily activities and relationships. At that point, it’s time to think about whether an anxiety disorder is part of the cause.”27

                One factor for me at this time was that I had no idea of what was happening with me, my priesthood and personhood due to the allegations (never proven) and the Worcester Diocese. I was isolated and felt at times like a leper. The Diocese “shelved” me. I, however, maintained some dignity and I worked my AA program, exercised, studies, researched and wrote in a discovery challenge. No, I did not take any medication and resisted any thought of that direction. I did this, at one time with alcohol. I learned that life was that dimension of being who I am in aware that I had the ability to be me. I felt at times of being on a roller coaster of watching the mail, checking my phone messages and any knocks on my door. This surfaced at times. But, I made sure that I instituted my “game plan” of quiet reflection in prayer and telling myself “Knock it off.” It works and is working. This is where I am able to go deep inside my heart when I become anxious. This makes me realize that the tools that I have been given to me from my life journey and realizing that it is not me alone- God is there- that I find myself sleeping well at night. 

May 5, 2001

                The British publication The Tablet carried, today, an article “gays in the priesthood” by Mark Dowd.  He writes: “Thee has been an influx of homosexuals into the Catholic priesthood. This taboo subject is to be expired in a Channel4 film today. Its presenter, a former Dominican friar, thinks the phenomenon demands a revision of Catholic teach. ‘Homosexuality is a time-bomb ticking in the Church and I think it could explode very soon.’ These aren’t the word of the gay-rights campaigner Peter Tatchell, nor of some trendy sociologist, but of St. Jeannine Gramick, the School Sister of Notre Dame who has refused to obey the Vatican’s silencing order on this most taboo of all subjects. What does she mean and is she right?” Time to put some cards on the table. I am a gay Catholic and former Dominican Friar.  I’ve always been intrigued by the conundrum of why a Church that describes the homosexual orientation as ‘a strong tendency towards an intrinsic moral evil’ should have so many gay men units ranks.” Dowd continues on He (Fr. James Overton- rector of All Hall) told me that ‘a reasonable proportion’ of men in seminary life are gay and warns of the dangers of students dividing into cliques along gay or straight lines. Does all this really matter? ‘Celibacy makes equals of us all’, is the common refrain. Yes, it does matter in my opinion and here is why. First, it is not in the wider Church’s interest to have a large number of its priests being described as ‘objectively disordered’ by the teaching authority. It flies directly in the face of much of the common-sense teaching that the Pope evoked in his encyclical on priest formation Pastores Dabo Vobis, in the early 1990s, which emphasized an acceptance of all the priest’s complex psychological make-up and humanity. Instead, present doctrine leaves while swaths of the clergy feeling second-rate and flawed. Those who are concerned about the disproportionate numbers of gay men in priestly life need look no further than the heady cocktail of the Vatican’s hostile language on the matter and the celibacy law for an explanation.” Dowd continues on in the article to question Rome: “The option that Rome should take seems to me clear-cut: come clean and attempt an intelligent theological explanation of the phenomenon. Explain why God might want to priestly serve a number of ‘objectively disordered’ men which is out of al proportion to the numbers of gay in society.  Or if that does not suit, then have a re-think.” Perhaps the gay orientation is to ‘disordered’ after all, and if it isn’t, then I am not the only homosexual Catholic waiting to see how my Church can fashion a way forward….”28

                This is the year 2001. One has to figure why this, besides the sex abuse crisis in the Church, has such writing and speakers questioning Rome and what is next. Silence or is this the “dragnet going through the water”? 

May 6, 2001

                Sunday’s I find somewhat to deal with because of not celebrating Mass in a faith community and what we used at St. Edwards on Easter…”Sunday is coming” litany. But, there are certain time that I get on my knees in a Prayer of Thanksgivings for being saved from God’s people who relish in criticism, back-stabbing and other gossip language. I know this is strong language but after eight year in the “cave” and a feeding frenzy, questions go unanswered. Why did the Church Hierarchy like Bishop Harrington with Bishop Rueger appoint themselves prosecutors, judges, and executioners in the case of Fr. Thaddeus J. Kardas? Just thinking. 

May 9, 2001

                Here is an eye opener. The local newspaper carried this story: “Study says gays can change- Telephone interviews conducted on straight converts” It reports: New Orleans- An explosive new study says some highly motivated gay people can turn straight. That conclusion clashes with that of major mental health organization, which says that sexual orientation is fixed and that so-called reparative therapy may actually be harmful. Gay rights activists attacked the study, and an academic critic noted that many of the 200 ‘ex-gays’ who participated were referred by religious groups that condemn homosexuality. Dr. Robert >Spitzer, a psychiatry professor at Columbia University who let the study, said he cannot estimate what percentage of highly motivated gay people can change their sexual orientation. But he said the research ‘shows some people can change from gay to straight and we ought to acknowledge that.’”29

                This was the only article that I read or found on this subject. Again, the silence is deafening. Next! 

May 11, 2001

                One of my regular routines is reading newspapers and focusing on the editorials and letters-to-the-editor. It is another avenue to be aware of opinions and insights of others on preeminent topics.

                One such letter was in the National Catholic Reporter from Richard Hickman of Bend. Oregon who wrote: “Uncontrolled authority will almost always lead to some form of abuse, be it sexual, financial and in policies. I see our church in dire need of more honesty and better control. These things that are going on hurt all of our clergy and the church. As a lifetime practicing Catholic, having been taught “thou shall not lie,” I do not see our bishops admitting to the truth of the sexual abuse going on in our church. Nor are they admitting to the great shortage of priests, or the overspending of money on new structures or buildings. These are the things that we, as lay Catholics, also see as abuse.”30

                Reading something like this has the realization that “abuse” is related to many issues in our present society. It seems as the in word. Yet, the authority dimension is questioned in many ways. But, there is the phrase of one-thirds: One-third love what is going on in the church, one- third hate what is going on, and one-third ask “what?” There is another pertinent character of American that fits into American Catholics which is: They have short memory. But, editorials and letters-to-the-editor do give different viewpoints to make one wonder of many accepted formulas. 

May 14, 2001

                I went for dinner with the present pastor of St. Edward’s at a Chinese restaurant. This guy was something of his own. He had answers to questions not even asked syndrome. He was very quick on having the sound bites for today’s communication. But, you are able to read this guy and his agenda so easily.

                We sat to eat and he began. He told me that he wanted to “normalize my situation.” This had me open my eyes because I was not sure if he might have set-up by the Diocese to probe me. It then donned on me that he was on his own agenda... He said that would help me with the bishop. Oh? This priest was showing me that he thought he was great in his own mind. He did say that priest “are, only humping down and doing nothing.” He kept saying to me that he “knew canon Law.” This was over and over, again statement to me. He then said that he wanted me part of the St. Edward’s 25^th Anniversary celebration in 2002. He told me that I renovated the church building and built the parish center. Then, I stated thinking how this guy was the old wolf in sheep clothing. It was an interesting strategy on his part that he would tell parishioners if they asked him about me that he was wiling to have me come but it seemed that I did not cooperate. What the real situation was that it was in the bishop’s hands totally. Nothing happened. It was, again, one of those situations where one is dammed if you do, dam if you don’t. This meal with this priest was exhausting and I was more than happy to get in my car and return to my “cave.” My God! My God! This was my same experience exactly in my only other meeting with this guy. I was so pleased to return to my place- the cave.  

May 23, 2001

                This was my 31^st Anniversary of Ordination. What I view this anniversary journey is that my belief in God has become stronger than ever and that there is a calling give to me to be in “the cave” that I presently have as my residency. I write this memoir as I undertake research and writing being the next step in my vocation. , Consequently after much prayer, reflection, and consultation with others that it has formed me even more to Jesus Christ. Thaddeus J. Kardas may have slipped-off the radar screen. Why may be a constant question? Well, know something about your bishop and be around when the “dragnet is going through the water” has results predictable.  Another factor has to be exemplified in that the media has shaped the two women that allegated me to shape their stories to make me look guilty because of the wealth of confusing memories. An atomic bomb hit me in 1993 which preceded the Navy’s Tail Hook scandal in Los Vegas. It had become very quiet in that I hear nothing. Even Bob’s (O’Brien) Hot Dog man told me of late the he hear “nothing about clergy talk.”

                What I have views at this stage of my ministry has been value has been multiplied in my personhood. But the area of intelligence, comprehensiveness, and challenging is not being played out especially in the academic freedom sphere of ministry. Freedom of inquiry, the pursuit of truth, and care for other through teaching, servile, and scholarship has been diminished in the circles that I travel. Question for self-understanding, functioning has been replaced with answers to questions that are not even being asked.

                So by means of ideas, we see the world in not being less free but more free for being a Catholic and a priest. Religion has value and moves into surroundings that are permeated with hope. So, when sudden expressions for respect and even fear of the unknown have me reaching in side myself with a reliance on faith. Anyone who does not understand the importance of religion in human history is missing a powerful ingredient of being human.

                These are random ideas that have me realizing that “The challenge is now.” I continue with my dial Eucharist (Mass), saying the Divine Office (Breviary), theological studies and reading to remain updated and writing. This is to empower my experiences which constitute a continuous personal relationship what Jesus Christ and God, the Father.

                This same day I read and article in American (Jesuit weekly publication) the article “As God Intended: Reflections on being away student at a Jesuit high school.” The author, William D. Glenn wrote “So instead (one perfect thing to say) I decided to tell them who I am, a bit of my sex experience, some of what I have learned, and how I believe it is possible for them  to serve all of their student better-particularly the gay student-at Prep.” He explains “Though I have since ‘botched up’ pretty well, I was a sissy and Prep was to place for sissies. I lived in constant fear that I would be exposed and dread that I would be discovered as a despised thing, whose name I did not know but whose negative effects I could see and feel all around me, only deep inside me. And my faith deepened: I encountered Jesus in a profound way and was introduced to rudimentary Ignation wisdom, that incomparable combination of spirituality and psychological grounded understanding and intuition friendship. And I made my first forays into critical thinking. But Prep was a difficult place for a gay boy. At the time, Prep strongly supported the values of the dominate culture, values anathema to the development of persons, values particularly suited to molding boys into narrow and constricted young men….What I acquired at Prep were the messages proffered by the dominate culture. During puberty’s final onslaught I came to believe that I was evil. And more: that I was sick, sinful and unacceptable in the eyes of the world….They (God and Jesus) had abandoned me to despair because the person I had become could effect no change, could not desists from either my feelings or my desires, no matter how hard I fought them or prayed to be delivered from them. In the end, I was utterly alone.”31

                Well, what about me writing an article “Reflections on being heterosexual student/priest in the Church.” It would have me reveal the issue of the struggle of ministering and wondering because of “those certain eyes” watching for me to make mistakes or not to form. In addition, there was the wonderment of what is wrong with me in that I was not interested as the “special select group” had in get together, days-off and vacations. There was the constant questioning of whom do you hang around with, where you went, and then silence for your next comment. By the way, this was not my parents, which are deceased. This was the clerical group that formed the rectory and peer workers. Then, there was the gossip mill and whispering campaigns that were a constant under towing. The gossip industry had become so pervasive and ruthless that was difficult to break through with a distinctive voice. It was a very critical time of questioning: What is wrong with me? Nothing was wrong. I was not of a “special select group” not in an authority position being only a “curate.” Then, after my experience with alcohol, I took October 21, 1977 as my anniversary date to be me. I did develop that what I was living and organizational make-up of my ministry was going at my individual personhood. I drew a line in the sand approach by prayer, study and a few good people. I answered my renewal each year in the Church calendar year of annual Chrism Mass and Holy Thursday. It became very interesting ministering. A number of people became very upset with me and my personhood. I re-discovered my creativity and talents for the sake of the Church that I was ordained with in a renewal spirit of the Second Vatican Council and not a limited interpretation of life.

                You were not a question of my sexuality at stake, but how to survive in this atmosphere where one had to live with these twenty-five hours a day- one hour for lunch. This was where I would find any excuse to get out of the rectory to do pastoral work. One had not to forget, that the rectory was the pastor’s house and the staff of secretary and housekeeper were the pastor’s “spies.” The curate was always monitored and information updates were part of a whispering campaign. This was not a totally paranoid insight because there were times that I planted a comment to the staff and waited for it to come back at me by the pastor.  They did. As I said, this was twenty-five hours a day. Now, that is something to wonder about in what type of ‘system’ was this ministry being carried out.  

May 25, 2001

                I have mentioned that reading letters-to-the editor gives me insights of so many other opinions besides finding stories of explaining what I am experiencing.

                Here is a letter I give in whole: The many chilling stories of sexed abuse by priests prompt me to speak to every priest these words: “Dear Father, you are on a high wire with spotlights focused on you every moment of each day. You cannot hide from God. The example that you set well have eternal consequences. In the 21 century you cannot hide from yourself, from the congregations committed to your care or from the media. You are a public figure. The high wire existence calls you to complete intellectual and moral integrity. Disordered sexuality is a clear sing that the inner life of devotion is being neglected. The wonderful Catholic children, parents, priests, deacons and sisters require a habitual vision of Christ’s excellence in your life. Do not chat them. If you have entered the priesthood for reasons of power, privilege or because of confusion with regard to your own sexuality, please seek professional help or resign from pubic office. If you are escaping into alcohol or othe so-called ‘recreational drugs,’ you will leave a trail of disaster behind you. Please follow Christ. Be like Christ. Be kind and good mannered to all. Then you will enrich and ennoble all persons around you.” (Fr,) Henry Doherty- Alpine, Texas.32.

                This letter was printed in the National Catholic Reporter of May 25, 2001.My thoughts in reading this was that this guy had that “perfect” model because he inserts Jesus. But, let’s not forget that this same Jesus was human as each of us is. So, the Gospels story is giving us and ideal with the realization that Jesus himself acted as a human with a number of reactions that sowed his humanity and not being perfect. The part that I tried to be a priest that wanted to be known for doing exceptional work and being dependable. It was not “excellence.” But, I wonder if this priest that wrote the letter knows what being “human” entails.

                Lately reading the newspaper that carried “Doonesbury” had a cowboy hat floating in the air: “Since he’s in town, Dubya drops by Skull & Bones, his old secret Society. ‘Sorry about the recent expose, Mr. President… (Dubya) There was an expose? Of what? Our initiation ritual. This whole world now knows you were once forced to kiss a human skull. (Dubya) The whole world knows that? Yes, Sir. (Dubya) How come I didn’t know that? Well, there was a certain amount of alcohol involved?’ “33 The following day this cartoon series carried “How it goes at our alma mater, Mr. President? Fine Dick (Cheney), Fine…It was pretty sweet for ‘Mr. Stupid’ to pick up and honorary doctorate…Especially form a place that still embodies the self-importance and smuggest of the elite! Well, you showed them Mr. President! That’s Dr President!”34

                These two Doonesbury sequences had me sitting up in seeing them because of the “blackouts” and “power, privilege, and prestige” issues that had followed me through my ministry. Actually, it was somewhat good to read about too much alcohol and realize that I never had the priesthood in my life as being power, privilege and prestige. Actually, if I was not on “official” work as saying Mass or hospital calls, running program in a formal nature, I did not wear a Roman collar. I had jean and sweatshirt attire. I was comfortable but some church types were not. I guess some people expected me to always be in my black attire. I had a classmate in the seminary that constantly wore his black cassock or collar. We used to wonder even if he did so when he toke a shower? 

May 26, 2001

                The media carried this story this day: “Priest Faces charge in Internet Sex Case.” I tell you, it is going on all over the place. The letter that I included a few days ago about priest being on the high wire proves true with this. The priest, the Rev. John H. Castaldo, 42, of Stamford, Conn., was charged with “attempted dissemination on indecent material to a minor, a felony. Officials of the Diocese of Bridgeport said that Father Castaldo has been relieved of his duties as a chaplain of Trinity Catholic High School and a resident priest at St. Maurice Parish in Stamford, pending the diocese’s own investigation. The diocese was making arrangement for psychological evaluation and treatment, a spokesman said... The arrest was the 42^nd in the Internet inquiry begun tow years ago by District Attorney Jeanine F. Pirro. From April 28 to May 24, prosecutors say, Father Castaldo had a series of online conversations in which he described the sexual acts he wanted to engage in to an investigator who was posing as a boy.”35

                One thing I’ve notice with any priest story- you hear nothing more about 99% of these guys stories. Gone. Perod. It is one thing about the Church, but how the media prints a story and then nothing. But this story made Associated Press on May 30^th where “Bishop Apologies after priest’s arrest.” Bridgeport Bishop William E. Lori “apologized to high school students yesterday in response to the arrest last week of their spiritual director (Rev. John J. Castaldo) in an Internet sex sting.” The article went on to say that “In a new conference following the Mass, Lori acknowledged that student might feel betrayed over the arrest…. Counselors have been meeting with students, but no evidence has emerged of sexual misconduct at Trinity catholic, Lori said.”36

                Now the first article about Castaldo was The New York Times. This follow-up article by the Associated Press was in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette. One story here is the media’s exposure and then the bishop’s actions.                

May 27, 2001

I visited Dominic DiRusso this evening.  He and his wife, Mary, lived across the street from St. Edward’s Rectory and were very hospital towards me. I was able to walk across the street for a coffee, bite to eat or just sit and visit. They were very supportive in my parish undertakings of renewal, renovations, and construction.

                Well this time I walk into the house and Dominic is sitting with his brother and sister-in-law, Ralph and Evelyn Delmonico. This couple says me and immediately walked out of the house without saying a work. Mr. DiRusso just lifted his arms in the air as mentioning “Try to figure this out?” Well, this is the gay-Ralph that had a constant agenda against me. He had quit a personality by being very negative on life itself. He was the guy that was going up and down the main street telling people that I had seconded the parish of $40,000 when I was sent for an evaluation by the Diocese. I was not surprised by Ralph and Evelyn’s action. I did hear that someone told them that Fr. Kardas might sue them for “defamation of character” of telling this story on Main Street and that I had people that would testify on my behalf. So, I was not surprised with what happened.

                I did have this nervous feeling of being rejected and humiliated. It was a constant concern of where I was and how I would react to the different situations that I encountered. Even Mr. DiRusso has to me that Ralph and Evelyn Delmonico “despises you and what you did with the allegations against you... They don’t want you around. I recall asking Mr. DiRusso if he felt the same way. He said that would be the last thing in the world on his part and respected me for being the person I was. It was another situation on my part of a dark cloud over my head. But, this man did not impose this on me. I was very comfortable visiting any time and enjoyed his company. The Delmonico's were a complete different story in that it was not only me that they had an agenda with.

                This experience was in the evening, but in the afternoon I had lunch with a “brother” priest. The conversation was an experience of it’s own. Our discussion circled around to you guesses it- the Worcester Diocese. He told me that Bishop Reilly was holding back Msgr. Tinsley’s “gang.” Tinsley, he said would cringe when he had to send out that monthly check to “you guys” (priest on Administrative Leave). Then, he continued “we would see in a year and a half when Reilly leaves and what the next bishop does.” He reminded me, as if I forgot, how Bishop Rueger offered me to “go to computer school and be retrained and get relocated, Ted!”  He persisted “Don’t you remember, Ted, when we went out to eat after Bishop Flanagan’s Funeral Mass and you told me that story?” I told his guy that I didn’t forget the conversion. This was one time that I shared with him in confidence about Rueger and one of his phone conversations which was a he mistake. I was not sure what was going on but it is my nature to realize that with such a lunch and conversation that something else was going on with this guy and his nasty comments to me. But, this was how some priest that I knew operated in the Church but controlling and manipulation after getting “bits and pieces” on another priest. Besides, I knew this priest had a real mean streak in him. He was really acting it out this particular day. Yet, I had to add to this how I walked into the Delmonico situation after I was dropped off by this guy. Obviously, I slept by twisting, turning, and changing my pajama tops.

                Anxiety! Yet my coping skills eventually redeveloped. I had discovered the immense relief alcohol brought with it in which I was finally able to unmask and relive how constant pain of being alone in my compelling and demanding companion- fear. It never left me at all. But, I had and have accepted it and moved on with it by not allowing it to paralyze or baffle me. 

May 31, 2001

                In a newsletter I received entitled WEORC.  In a section “Bits and Pieces” writes “Justice for Priests and Deacons is a new referral program created to advise priests and deacons about their rights under canon law and to process and appeal cases. Under the direction of Fr. Michael Higgins, a San Diego canon lawyer, Justice for Priests and Deacons is a service for the many priests and deacon show are inadequately informed about their rights under canon law. If you know of any men who feel they have been treated unjustly, but didn’t pay close enough attention during their canon law classes, pass on this information; Justice for Priests and Deacons P.O Box 87225 Phone (619) 280-7500 Email: mhiggins@ utm.net.”37

                This I never contacted after Fr. Diebel worked my case. It is a wonder of what would I learn that is any different from where I am at present. It is, in plain English, being shelved. No contact on behalf of the Chancery Office. Do I want to her anything? Yes, because I need financial help for the basics. Possibly, I should undertake the route of “food stamps.” But, my pride has me reaching and holding my principles. It doesn’t make the road easier, but it makes my legs stronger. 

June 11, 2001

                I read a book review from The New York Times of a book by Bruce H. Schulman entitled The Seventies: The Great shift in American Culture, Society, and Politics. The basic theme seemed to be that it turns out that the 70’s gave birth to the America in which we live. What had me interested was that I was ordained in May 1970 and came from the 60’s with college and theology. Besides all this was for me the Second Vatican Council of 1962-1965. Therefore, I read this review and purchased this book for my personal library. The view by George Packer in the review states “Children of the 1970’s, having inherited a reflective cynicism toward authority without a care greater than recycling or a sacrifice more painful than gas lines, learned early on to feel envy, shame and resentment. The last thing anyone growing up in the 70’s imagined was that a great historical transformation was occurring. (Gave birth to the America in which we live.) In referring to the book itself, Parker states: “But after 1969 Americans entered a disturbing new world. The experiences of the postwar generation would offer little guidance.” Packer writes that Schulman “Central argument is utterly persuasive. On or about November 1968, American character changed. In the case of most of Americans of Schulman’s generation, much has been given and little asked, and it’s easy to think that nothing short of ‘the moral equivalent of war’ will snap us oust of our separate commercial trances.”38

                I knew that being ordained in 1970 that I was carrying the luggage of the Second Vatican Council of the Catholic Church. It was one thing to be in school and another to be in the parish (workplace). There was a definite tension between conservatives and liberals, right and left wingers, horizontal and vertical epigram, and even obsessive individualism. Yet, I was so immersed in the renewal and all, being young and very much inexperienced of what was really happening with the church system and the parishioners. Some priest, I would hear, say that the newly ordained were “immature.” It was a word that had my hair stand-up on the back of my head. I was in the late twenties with my classmates dieing in Vietnam and watching a patriarchal church parading in processions of what I called “Disneyland.”

                So this book by Schulman had me reading and searching for identification traits and observations of the world that I was ministering in. It was a roller-coaster ride day-in-day-out. 

June 12, 2005

                The N. Y. Post carried a front page story entitled “Priests Given Egan ‘Alert’ on Sexual Abuse.”  The article began “Edward Cardinal Egan convened a solemn meeting yesterday with several hundred of the archdiocese’s priests, to lay down the law on sexual abuse and misconduct, sources told The Post. But one of the country’s top experts in clergy sexual abuse doubts that the cardinal’s policy goes far enough.”39

                This then was followed by the same paper a few days later “Church Must ‘Police’ Priests” and  “Sex Abuse by Priests: Is Egan Doing Enough?” in addition to Catholics Telecommunication article “Irish church pay is into Gov. sex abuse” and the National Catholic Reporter coming story “African leaders vows action on clergy sex abuse.” It was as though the media board was lightning up with all of these types of stories, but the hierarchy was providing these stories.

                Then on the internet, I read the story of “Bishop sentenced for not exposing pedophile priest: A French bishop convicted of failing to alert the police to the crimes of a pedophile priest was given a suspended jail sentence last week, Alain Woodrow )Reported for the Tablet). The case of Bishop Pierre Pican of Bayeux, Normandy, is unpredicted in modern French legal history. For the first time, a bishop stood in the dock on 14 June, accused of refusing to denounce one of his priests, Fr. Rene Bissey convicted of ‘ill treating and sexually abusing minors of fewer than 15 years of age.’” The trail of a Catholic bishop acted as an electric shock in the French Catholic Church. It triggered off the discussion b y the bishops of pedophilia among priests at their annual meeting in Lourdes last November…. As the judge said in Caen, “There will be a before and an after the Pican trail.”40

                There is something to sense in reading and hearing the media of the American Bishops pushing hard on a public direction. It was as though the American hierarchy was acting as an emergency board lightning-up.

                This evening I watched the comedy movie- Crazy People. This stared Dudley Moore as a patient in treatment at a medial institution. This reminded me somewhat of Hartford’s Institute of Living and my experience. I have to remember that I was sent to the IOL for an evaluation but when I entered I was with other priest and lay people that were of every background. One feature the film did have was that the patients (clients) in this Crazy People were more brilliant and normal than other people in our society. I watched it with some humor and yet some reflection of my experience in Hartford in 1993. Oh! The movie had a locked-down institution, where I and the priest went back to the seminary at nigh and were not restricted. However, the entrance to our IOL building had a locked door that one had to be buzzed in.   

June 18, 2001

                I went out for a cup of coffee this day with Mary Ann Robuccio and her friend this evening. The discussion reverted to what Mary Ann reminded of how one Saturday afternoon after the 4 o’clock Mass at St. Edward’s after Mass in 1993, she was standing in the drive-way across the street from the church and watched with Mrs. Mary DiRusso as a white van backed-up to the rectory backdoor that removed a “blue coach” and loaded into this van and drove away. What was interesting to tie to this was the story of my secretary (Mrs. Connie Rivard) who, also, saw this van and another truck removing  furniture from the rectory after a Saturday 4 pm Mass. This truck, Connie, recognized as belonging to Dennis Cormier, who was a parishioner who was doing a lot of time in front of Church Tabernacle at that time in deep prayer.  Most likely the couch went one way and my Lazy-Boy chair and other furniture’s went by way of the parishioner’s truck.

                I asked all type of questions of church officials and never received an answer of where was my personal furniture from the rectory. I did get back my books and a number of items which included my TV which was burned-out and were moved from my quarters and stored in the attic. When I removed my items after I resigned as “Pastor,” most of my furniture pieces and select items were gone. I made a list of these items and value which totaled over $3,000.  I waited for the appropriate time to speak with the Bishop on this matter because no one knew anything. You want to bet! As I have said many times-the game goes on.

                This had me reflecting and reviewing an article oil read in the July 2001 issue of Assembly entitled “Preaching the Just Word” by Peter Robb. He observed in his portrait of Counter-Reformation Catholicism where church leaders often secured the cooperation and assent of their “subject; through a double-barreled mechanism of control[ a “culture of suspicion” that is assumed one were guilty until proven innocent, coupled with a monopoly of information which withheld what was vital to one’s defense. This, further, explains “power” by some who have it, hoard, and hold it as an “addiction.”43

June 28, 2001

                So back to the local scene we get “Priest sex assault case settled: Agreement details are not disclosed,” about “Worcester- An out-of-court settlement has been reached in a second civil lawsuit brought in connection with allegations of child sexual assault by a Roman Catholic priest.” This suit was against the Worcester Diocese and Rev. Brendon O’Donoghue. The article reported “In October 1999, a civil lawsuit filed by Edward L. Gagne of Spence alleging that he was sexually  assaulted by Rev. O’Donoghue and another priest, the Rev. Peter J.. Inzerillo, also were settled out of court.”41 

                One would have notice how the Worcester Telegram & Gazette would take a story and than link previous stories to the present story. I guess the reporter needed print space to fill his quote or whatever.  What had me reading with most interest was that this Fr. O’Donoghue was the guy that bumped me with Harrington to get St. Matthew’s parish in Northboro instead of St. Edward’s. This I have mentioned before.  Actually, this worked in my favor in the long run of do ministry of renewal and growth. The other thing was that O’Donoghue was living in luxury at the priest quarters in Shrewsbury, while I was in a studio apartment with no contact of any sort from the Worcester Chancery. I was still living on “Just go and we will get a hold of you. (1993 vintage)”

                But, a when The Catholic Free Press was published on Friday, they carried this story on page 7. The article “Lawsuit against priest settled>” It read “Judge Timothy S. Hillman dismissed the complaints against Bishops Reilly and Rueger as individuals lasts week, Atty. Reardon said. He said the court found they had no responsibility regarding any of the plaintiff’s allegations. They were not bishops in the diocese, and not supervising diocesan priest in 1962. Other than this finding in the bishops’ favor, there was never a finding of responsibility or liability on the part of anyone in the case, because it did not go to trail, Att. Reardon said.”42

                One has to remember that The Catholic Free Press is the “bishop’s paper” and the above explanation was somewhat more detailed in explanation that the Worcester Telegram & Gazette article. 

June 29, 2001

                I follow Life #101 of the daily comic page with another eye-opener of “The Big Picture” by Lennie Peterson. These particular sequence beings with a guy telling Lenny: “Sheesh…Kids today. Why, when I was a kid…. Lenny responds: “WHAT?” Then Lenny continues: “You’re saying ‘When I was a kid’?? Dood-you’re MY age. That’s what OLD people have been saying for CENTURIES. You’re white-washing your memories, MAN. Gimmie a BREAK.”  The guy says: “But it’s TRUE, Lennie. Kids today are a disgrace. Back in the sixties things were wholesome and simple.” Lenny responds: “Lemma see…Vietnam, racism, sexism, abuse, assassinations, rioting in the streets…Pretty wholesome and simple stuff there, Frank.” It ends with the message: “Well at least most everybody was capable of IGNORING it back then.”44

                By the way, Lennie Peterson did not last long with “The Big Picture.” It seemed after a short time, he was dropped by the newspaper media he represented. He had a style that raised some very interesting questions that the media owners did not want to print. He was history. But, he did get his “settle” message out and even was able to explain in print his departure.  I enjoyed his “comic strip” but other readers did not and one has to watch the times that we have this occurring.

                This same day, I’m reading the National Catholic Reporter and see and advertisement of “The Christian Institute for the study of Human Sexuality in all about ACCESS’ in Chicago, IL. It states: “For information, please contact: James H. Gill, S.J., M.D., and Director. “45 I was wondering where Fr. Gill went, after Hartford and Maryland. He does get around. 

July 4, 2001

                I read an article in my “Must Read” file entitled “Vatican II and Bishop of Ulma on Lay People not Clericalism.”46 In the National Catholic Reporter. This story reported that Bishop Lucker made a major diocesan decision on his manner of putting into practice convictions that grew out of Vatican II in a widely consultative way of attempting to begin a permanent deacon program in his diocese. During the consultation process where there was a strong objection that surfaced in meeting. People told the Bishop and Diocese that the first need is to develop many

formation programs.

                This was something I was attempting in the parish with Lay Presiders. As soon as I was on my way out as Pastor, this was history with the R.C.I.A. process and liturgical aspects of renewal. Clericalism was creeping back at St. Edwards. It was being done over time but the “quiet” campaign and surging clericalism. 

July 7, 2001

                The Tablet (England) published a report that the priesthood    “not a gay profession.” It read “Reports that the priesthood as becoming a ‘gay profession’ are ‘inaccurate and unfair’ according to the rector of the North American College in Rome, Msgr. Timothy Dolan. Last year, the rector of St. Mary’s Seminary in Cleveland, Ohio, Donald Cozzens, suggested in his book The Changing Faces of the Priesthood that more than half of current seminary entreats are gay. His view shared in a recent British television documentary on the English College in Rome and by the rector of the Allen Hall seminary in London (The Tablet, 5 and 12 May) It goes further with “Msgr. Dolan, who was recently appointed auxiliary bishop of St. Louis, Missouri, said he was worried about the preparation of priest’ behavior as ‘effeminate’ or ‘campy.’ After all ‘the priesthood is a very manly’ vocation- people call us ‘father,’ he said. Those responsible for seminary formation should be ‘candid in warnings about the dangers to celibate commitment, and a homosexual inclination falls under this category,’ he added.”47

                Let’s not forget that Msgr. Dolan would be most likely saying the above remarks, as rector of the North American College in Rome is known as the “Harvard” of the Catholic Church. Then we read that he is made auxiliary bishop shows that he was on the fast track to the pointed hat. 

July 8, 2001

                I was operating in a different approach and answer when asked: “How is it going?” I used to begin an answer: “Like working on a puzzle- one piece at a time.” This type of response had me reflecting on a line from Henri Nouwen: “When our wounds cease to be a source of shame and become a source of healing, we have become wounded healers- bringing healing. There are times that I view the view asking me this type of question of “What are you doing?” with arrogance, stubbornness, selfish minds, and cultural dominance. I know this is a hard overview, but there is the reality check. If I wanted to clear my name and maintain some dignity, I would have to develop a “warrior ethics.” This is where your mission remains fixed, determined, and unavoidable as it is to war.

                I had to reply this “warrior ethics” in because of lunch with the "Prophet of Doom" priest. He tried again to install fear in my heart and I hear him doing it in the hearts of the faithful as the Bishop of Worcester dealing with Collegiality issue. This priest hides behind the phrase “The Church is not a democracy.” What his pattern was that he would not discuss anything more on most matters. Next! However, this guy did this to control and brush-off anything he didn’t want to talk about that was bearing-in the inner sanctum of clericalism. Bingo! 

July 15, 2001

                I read in the rectory of “Father Gloom and Doom” a copy of The Official Catholic Directory Anno Domini 1998 that had me list on p. 1799 – Thaddeus Kardas (Absent on Leave- “70, WOR) It listed for Worcester Diocese of #13 names which where listed as Bernard, Andre (Diocese of Santa Rosa); Blizzard, David; Branconnier, Gerald; Demain, Ronald; Kane, Thomas; Kardas, Thaddeus; Kelly, Robert; Niecewicz, Edward; Ritacco, Richard; Szantyr, John;Teczar, Thomas; Wondolawski, Robert. The listing has O’Donoghue, Brendon, W. 30 Julio Dr., Apt. 246, Shrewsbury, MA o1580 (Priest Retirement Apartments). Yet, there is no listing of any nature of Rev. Peter Inzarello in this whole volume. There is a reason for the season in what the diocese sent to this printing. There are no mistakes made or that it was overlooked.48

                This viewing of my “Absent on Leave” was followed by traveling with “Father Gloom and Doom” for a day trip in Vermont for a Sunday ride and me asking of what was going on in the Worcester Diocese? I received the answer that it was just like the scenery and what you have is what you see on the back roads of this state that we were traveling- they (people) are here but you see nothing. The meaning was that things look good. End of story and end of discussion by “Father Gloom and Doom.” 

July 18, 2001

                We start getting in the newspapers and media as The Boston Globe, Worcester Telegram & Gazette, and The Cape Cod Times stories of Cardinal Law of Boston. This day The Boston Globe publishes “Law defends his response in clergy sex abuse case.” The story has “Cardinal Bernard F. Law, stung by the suggestion that he had reassigned a priest from parish to parish despite knowing that the priest was an accused child molester, is publicly defending his conduct for the first time and his lawyer is lashing out at the attorney for the alleged victims.  Law, in a column in today edition of the archdiocesan newspaper, wrote,’ Never was there an effort on my part to shift a problem from one place to the next.”49 This was mostly dues due to Fr. John Geoghan and his alleged victims. This public defense has made a shift on the part of Cardinal Law and his attorney. What followed in The Boston Globe on July 18^th “When some of the stories of men who claimed they were molested by former priest John J. Geoghan filed suit and named Cardinal Bernard Law as a defendant, lawyers for the cardinal sought to keep his name secret, court papers show. But a judge rejected the unusual request, arguing the proceedings in state court are open.”50 Then on July 28^th, we get from The Associated Press “Barnard Law denies letting molesters go.’ This article states “Boston-For the first time, Cardinal Bernard Law publicly defended his handling of clergy sex abuse allegations…Laws column (The Pilot) /I only wish that the knowledge that we have today had been available o us earlier,’ he wrote. ‘It’s fair to say, however, that society has been on a learning curve with regard to the sexual abuse of minors. The Church, too, has been on a learning curve. We have learned, and we will continue to learn.’”51 What even becomes interesting that aloof this is played-out during the vacation time? Drama is getting played-out and watching how things get manipulated by all factors becomes another story. This had me thinking of a separate chapter in my tow volume book “The Gang at GE and parish member (Bob Chatrand). There is more, always, going on than what one reads. This is where a novel by Fr. Andrew M. Greeley entitled The Bishop and the Missing L. Train (2001) would attaché mystery to my particulars. Just thinking. I stopped in the local Ocean Lot (Garner) and at the register was working a former parishioner (Mary) of mine who asked “Oh! Hello Fr. Kardas. Are you still a priest?” I responded “Do you know something that I don’t know?” The gossip and defamation of character was out there on the street. What I remembered at this time from watching a History Channel program: “Don’t judge someone going through crisis- USS Indianapolis survivor- you are not bulletin proof.”  But, it does come to mind with my roller coaster feelings of any type of collusion by Bishop Harrington and the Chancery Staff to “cut my throat” to protect him from what I knew about home and the auto accident? This thought replays from the time when Bishop Reilly asking me “What did they do to you here?” (Bishop’s Residence). Oh1 Yes, we had the "hot house” interrogation wit shades drawn being surrounded by the three “goon” squad questioners. I realize that even if I told Reilly anything, it would have been dismissed as everything and anything I attempted to put on the table. At this time, we had given to us by the government a Report of the Food Pyramid. This U.S, Government report on the pyramid‘s bad food industries had some play in the results especially saturated food sand fat food industry. So with Cardinal Law’s “learning curve” and Reilly’s question to me, I didn’t have to say anything because the system was playing out “guilty till proven innocent.” 

August 1, 2001

                The Worcester Diocese’s official paper, the Catholic Free Press features Father Eugene Herick who is a syndicated columnist. Lately he has written on the “Cast System-Priesthood.”52 Whenever I see such a title of an article I wonder if my thoughts are being reinforced or are getting the old run-of the mill clericalism. Hemrick addressed priesthood and retirement and “Monsignors.” These are some hot button with the group of priests that I circled with mainly due to age- late 50s and early 60s.

                When I was ordained in 1970, the story was that there was no more making Monsignors by Bishop Flanagan- Bishop of Worcester. It was an attitude of fresh air because there were people in the seminary and diocese that had the “red rash” syndrome. I was in the camp where I believed that we priest were all to work for The Kingdom as one. There was no cast system or inner politics for titles – relative ability or nationality. The Church of Vatican II was alive and supposed to be refreshing. Then we get to the 2000 period with John Paul II mentality of a pre-Vatican world and watch the positioning of “the good Father” to be appointed Monsignor by Bishop Harrington and Reilly. I recall telling one priest that he had only very little room to maneuver  and the model of the priest saying Mass with ‘clasped finger” and six inches from his body- model for saying Mass in the period before Vatican II- and that was it. The hands had to be held with two fingers held together because they were consecrated and ‘never touched human flesh.”  This might sound as an exaggeration as such but this was what we heard in the seminary.

                At this time, we read about Bishop Raymond Lucker of New Ulm, Minn. Meeting with his diocesan lay people and deciding not to have a Deaconate (little priest as curates) because the laypeople would be given proper education and training to minister in his diocese with their gifts and talents. But, we in the Worcester Diocese were being stuffed with Deacons. What was peculiar was that the Second Vatican Council restored the Deaconate to be minister of the ancient rite of caring for the poor and widows. (Social Action) What was happening was that Deacons were being ordained for sanctuary duty- assisting at Mass and  told about preaching and then acting like “mini-priest” to parishioners with very little, if any social action ministry.. I was watching another factor on how certain priest were insulating them with the deaconate. An image to compare this to is a candle that is put out and the wax is hardening. The wax was hardening for security and possibly other issues.  From my studies and I’m sure to the surprise of a few other priest that studied at the same time, this was not the role of the revised deaconate. Here, actually, was the revised clericalism resurfacing in full boom by the “certain select group.”

                We, also, get in the local paper the story “Bill advances to limit clergymen’s secrets. The story printed: “Boston-Priests and other clergy have been havens for secrets, virtually beyond the reach of civilian authority or law for thousands of years. But after widespread reports of sexual abuse of children by priests and a Middleton church worker, lawmakers are moving to get rid of a long-held clerical privilege in the name of protecting children.”53 

August 2, 2001

                Now, the Cape Cod Times and the Worcester Telegram & Gazette with a very print blurb report as AA and pirvacy.54 The Cape Cod Times has a more extensive print by the Associated Press from White Plains, N.Y. titled “Judge rules AA talk private, voids manslaughter sentence: Conversations among Alcoholics Anonymous participants are a form of religious communicating and should be confidential, a federal judge said in overturning a man’s manslaughter convictions. ‘Treating AA meetings with less protection than any other form of religious communications which carries assurances of confidentiality’ is unconstitutional, Judge Charles Bryant ruled Tuesday.”55 This was based on the First Amendment principle. Most interesting with this is the present day atmosphere of federal government and all the other factors. 

August 3, 2001

                I read in the Catholic Free Press an article by Father Eugene Hemrick entitled “Keeping personal journal.” It states: I have to say ‘Amen’ to a recent article in the Washington Post lauding the value of keeping a personal journal. Ironically, the article coincide with another article I’d just read on the value to our spiritual life of keeping a journal. The Post article said that a journal ‘is becoming the essential accouterment off the self-aware….It ask you to live your life twice, once when it happens and once in reflection.’ The other article recalled saints-such as Teresa of Avila and Augustine- whose personal journals tracing their encounters with God helped to enrich the world of spirituality. Early in my priesthood I kept a journal, which often helped me maintain my sanity during extremely difficult circumstance. In addition to keeping us sane, a journal has the power to revitalize our memories. It helps us to ‘synthesize’ the parts of our life and thus control it better, to internalize the significance of the people and events around us and, most important to help us give God his rightful place in our lives….You will find that this simple exercise (writing a journal) helps to restore a refreshing sense of wholeness to your life.”56 It has helped me with so many insights, information, and focusing me to make my life have a direction with roots. How is this done” Being specific, examining myself, being personal and finding encouragement has helped me continue some sense of being Thaddeus J. Kardas especially realizing that God has been with me through my whole journey.  

August 6, 2001

                I was having a conversation with Don DiRusso from Florida who was visiting. He spoke about his aunt and uncle- Ralph and Evelyn Delmonico. H e said that they told him that “You are not a priest, anymore.” They lived next door to his parents (Dominic and Mary DiRusso) house was across the street from St. Edward’s Church in Westminster. They continued on with this conversation that “the paper said (1993) was the reason for their talk. They continued to tell him that I stole parish money and were missing in because of that factor. I did hear from Connie Rivard that from May 10^th thru the 21^st on Main Street, Westminster, these two people would take their walk and tell people that I embellished parish money there was talk that they said it was $40,000 mark. This was a lie and defamation of character.  I story lead me to talk to Dominic and Mary DiRusso: “Tell the Delmonicos’ that I’ll sue them for defamation of character. I have witnesses of what they are telling people that will testify in court on my behalf of slander. I’ll get a lawyer to get there house and even their false teeth in this matter.”  This was the real me saying this because I never would do such a thing. It was me talking out of trying to warn certain people to be accountable for what they said. Mary, on my departure, immediately went next door to lay out my comments. By the way, this was some time before the Worcester Telegram & Gazette article was printed about me in 1995. Mary supposedly “blasted them.” We would know that half the house belonged to her sister, Dora. The Delmonicos’ were the other half owners.  Mary was, always, very protective of Dora. So, the Delmonicos' goes at that this was in the newspaper. There was no story or anything about me in the newspaper at this time. Their specific language, I was told was “embellished parish funds.” I had 4 or 5 people say to me that they would witness this in curt for my behalf.  This even continued on by the Delmonicos on a bus trip from Leominster to Foxwood. These two people were telling everyone that would listen to them on that ride. My source was Julie and Jerry DiRusso of Leominster. This couple was in-laws with Dominic and Mary DiRusso and was part of this Foxwood bus trip. Small world. But, it shows what some people were saying about me. I had not defense and being left out in the open had many people making comments that were hurtful and lies. The Worcester Diocese just left me hang and did nothing.   

August 7, 2001

                This story continues where the newspaper carried the story “Bill limits clergy on confidentiality- Child-protection issues are thorny/Bill raises issue of what is a confession.” The story is “Clergy are exempt from the requirement. (Required by law to report suspected child abuse). Bit if State Sen. James P. Jaijuga, D-Methuen, has his way, all clergy in the state will be required to make a report.”57 Then the next day we get “Catholic Church backs abuse bill: Measure requires repots by clergy,” This is “Boston- The catholic Church in Massachusetts now says it supports a bill to require clergy to report suspected child abuse, reversing a position it held as late as last week…Confidential conversations such as confessions would not have to be reported, according to the bill.”58 This was part due to Cardinal Bernard F. Law who was drawn into the debate in June when he admitted that he was informed that a priest, John Geoghan molested seven boys.  

September 11, 2001

                This was 9-11. I was in my room that morning (40 Comee St., Gardner) finishing-up Mass, cleaned-up after breakfast and had my Radio Shack  radio scanner wave when hearing “Obie” (NIQUV) come on and say “They just got us in N.Y.” He was from Pittsfield, Mass.  I was baffled and immediately turned on the TV to CNN with Aaron Brown reporting from Manhattan with the World Trade Center Twin Towers in the background with the North Tower burning. I was watching this report, standing in front of the TV and the second plane was shown coming-in and crashing on the other tower building. Then I heard about the Pentagon being hit by a plane. 

                What I believe I heard correctly was that the first plane hit at 8:47 am and second plane that crashed supposedly both turned towards New York City over Gardner, Massachusetts.  There is a radio beacon for airplanes in the town next to Route #2 that direct planes to and from Boston’s Logan Airport.  We are 50 miles west of Boston.  This would have been right over my head when I was saying Mass. I was standing in front of the TV, watching and stunned for a good part of the morning. Eternal Rest Grant unto Them O’Lord. (All those killed.) 

September 12, 2001

                One of the issues that I never was able to do in my particulars on those allegations against me was to have any advocacy or witnesses about these tow girls nor raise any questions or issues. Yet, here in 2001, I find this article in the Daily Southtown (Chicago) entitled “Teenage jungle” by Fr. Andrew Greeley. He writes “Somewhat breathlessly, the media have reported recently that one out of six high school girls say that they have been the victims of physical or sexual abuse by their dates. I’m skeptical of the statistic. I would have thought that the abuse relate would have been much higher. The high school world is a jungle filled with male predators and female victims, sometimes willing victims, sometimes eager victims, sometimes victims pushed into it by their peer groups, but victims nonetheless. It is a world of rampart hormones innocent of experience. Many young men have had to learn to respect women, and many young women have had to learn how to brush men off. Ideological feminism may have made the jungle even more dangerous…Women, some of them seem to think, are ‘asking for’ what happens to them by the way they dress and the way they act. They unleash the male hormones and thus are willing victims of it. This is nonsense. Most male clergy know better (or so I like think). Yet if the teenage jungle in which men may freely abuse women persists, one of the reasons is that organized religion has not anathematized it strongly enough.”59

                Such an article doesn’t say enough of being evolved in youth ministry in the time of the 70s and we get this type of slant by Greeley. The word “victim” is so overused by the society we live with that the time of this article bears question of what someone even like Greeley-the sociologist- would print such a story especially in 2001. The theme of “anathematized it strongly enough” may be put into light that there is much more to stories as another side of the story or people learning to “paint by the numbers” for retaliation on certain church issues and even making money. But, there is no questions even allowed to be asked. So, we use “victim” as a suffering servant role to do so many other things as we have seen governments or groups use to put their agendas over on their table.

                What we have here, also, is a curveball in misconceptions is exceptionally wrong. The spin that the Worcester chancery put on my particulars was something with their talk of “respect his privacy” attitude. Hooey. They were covering for themselves. What was another insight was that the gang that was throwing curveballs was rewarded by becoming Monsignors, appointed to different Chancery positions.  The Chancery Gang was telling “lies.” But, you had to watch the curveballs being thrown. There was the apparent ‘hangover” where traction waited to happen. These “curveballs” obviously are, always, sketchy. The curveballs were goofballs in actuality on what was and is done. Those priests, including myself, have not had our stories given. 

September 17, 2001

                This warm autumn day with my windows open, around 5:00 pm I was writing on my computer and I heard two car doors closing and a car alarm being beeped-locked. I didn’t look-out or anything. Then my door bell rang and I answered to find two Massachusetts State Police detective asking if I was Thaddeus J. Kardas?  They handed me a card with names written over Trooper Richard C. Rollins with written “Stephen Kelly and Tpr. Heather DiPasquale” out of Auburn, Massachusett.60 They said that they would like to question me concerning Molly A. Bish case. They proceeded to say that they wanted me to follow hem to the Westminster Police Station. Here, I was in Gardner, Massachusetts. I reacted with that I would answer any questions. However, I asked them if we would be able to do this in my place. This was due to the fact which I explained that I was formally the pastor in Westminster and if I was seen entering that station the gossip and image would be unwelcome to say the least. I said that I wish they would realize what this would look like, I was thinking about this later and realized that they, already, had to have cleared this with the police chief in Westminster. They agreed to quest me in my place and entered my studio apartment. When, they entered, Trooper Kelly reacted: “Look! An American flag!” I found this comment very strange.

                They both scanned with their eyes my studio apartment. Then Kelly busted out with: “When was the last time you saw John Bish? Why haven’t you visited him?” (My cousin and Molly’ father) This took me back somewhat with such a reaction. I responded: “Did you ever try to find John Bish?” My cousin, John was something of his own to try to find at work or anywhere else. Then, Trooper Kelly snapped back at me and said that this was a “suspected murder investigation.”  Another remark from Kelly was when did I find out about Molly’s disappearance?  I answered that it my cousin Michael Bish who called me at 6:00 am on Wednesday morning to tell me that Molly was missing. Kelly made another arrogant remark that seemed to insinuate that was impossible with it being on the news. I said that I go to AA on Tuesday evening and did not hear any news reports. DiPasquale then responded with if I was able to prove that I was at AA by witnesses.  I answered “Yes.” I wondered about the anonymity issue when I responded. These two people, already, knew that I was in AA. By the way Trooper DiPasquale asked if my “Sponsor” would vouch for me attending AA that day.  I followed-up with that I attended two meetings a week which were on every Tuesday and Thursdays. Then Trooper DiPasquale injected that we were able to get this questioning done in my place. Trooper Kelly seemed to quiet down with my response. Then, he said that he would go out to the car (Ford- Taurus) to get a laptop computer and to get a statement from me. I realized at this time that I was a “suspect.” Trooper DiPasquale and I waited. I invited her into my place from the doorway and we were standing, where she asked me: “Oh! Is that your computer?” I answered in the affirmative in saying that I had been writing. She said that she “would really like to read my book when I come out with it.” I never mentioned anything as such. Then, I realized that this was West Warren talk. John and Magi Bish must have mentioned something of that nature that I was writing a “book.” No one else was aware of this venture but them. I became more skeptical of what was really gong on with this visit.

                                They set up the laptop and printer on my desk. I had to get folding chairs from the closed for DiPasquale. I was asked to be under oath which Kelly instituted. I responded “Yes, I do.” Kelly was asking prepared questions off the computer screen which was turned away from me. I noticed that Kelly was not a very good typist with my responses and having to get to the next prepared question by spacing and leaning over the laptop with DiPasquale looking over his shoulder.

                Kelly was doing the questioning and impute on the laptop. When he was trying to type the answer, DiPasquale would make “small” talk by different comments: “You have a number of books. Are you able to put your hand on a particular book? You are interested in ships? (Model of the Titanic). If we had to investigate a fire, it would be impossible to find a body with so many books in this place. (I have had an extensive library.) Does your apartment have a kitchen? (It was directly behind her on the back wall from which she was able to observe from her chair.) Does the Co-co clock bother you? (I have this in this room.).” She has some inclination that I was upset about going to the Westminster Police Station. I did recall that when they were at my door that I was not feeling well and needed to sit down for a moment in my lazy-boy chair.

                The “statement” was integration with questions that were pre-set with an agenda. Questions asked by Kelly as: “Are you in therapy?” I questioned him with what did he mean? He asked “Group or what?” I answered with a doctor. Kelly wanted to know his name and the place.  I answered and said that on my return trip home I would stop by Jon Bish’s office in East Brookfield at the Western District Courthouse to say “hello” before I returned to my place. How often do you go?” Kelly responded to my answer of three times a year in that was not very much. Another question   “What type of medication are you on?” I was at this time ready to say I wanted a lawyer before I went any further. But, I restrained myself. Then Kelly continued with this medication question after I told him with a sharp “Are you sure?” I responded with a firm “Yes,”

                Then I noticed that the next question was a “hot button” issue. Both of the detectives sat-up in their chairs where Kelly asked “Did you ever say “Watch out for that girl (Molly)?” I answered honestly with a “No.” Kelly reacted with “Are you sure you never said that?” I responded with the same answer “No.” It seemed that these two Troopers were taken back with this and the other questions that I was asked.

                I was asked what my relationship was to Molly. I said that he father- John was my first cousin. I, actually, never had very much conversation with her. A number of times her father would remind her that I was a priest. He would use this as an authority aspect. She, actually, keep a distance from me. Then DiPasquale asked me if I knew any problems the Bishops’ may be having or the kids being in any trouble with drugs or anything else? I didn’t know of anything as such. I was then asked if I knew anything about Molly’s boyfriend. I did not. I was asked if I would take a lie detector test. I answered “Yes.” Then, what were the final questions which I responded too all with a “No”: “Did I know any about Molly’s being missing? Did I have anything to do with Molly missing? Did I know anything about Molly’s disappearance?” They asked me what my e-mail address was. I answered which was typed in this report. They questioned if I ever emailed Molly. I said “No.” However, Magi had my e-mail and Magi and I exchanged e-mails a few times.

                DiPasquale did question with “Why are you living so far out here from West Warren? I didn’t get a chance to answer because Kelly butted-in with something else. But, I did get back to this and gave an answer. I told them that I was here in Gardner with some semblance of normality in knowing the area and having friends that I was able to visit. I explained how every Tuesday and Thursday, I would have lunch with Connie Rivard, my former secretary, and her friend, Victoria Mitchell of Gardner who I pick-up up at 10:15 am each time.. We would have lunch at either Applebee’s in Leominster or Chinese food at Tiffany Plaza in Gardner. I didn’t remember the Chinese restaurant’s name. But, I was asked: “”How do we pay?” I said that the two ladies treated me and that they paid. I was asked “No credit cards were used?” They paid with cash. I, then said, we don’t go anymore. I was asked “Why not?” I answered because Victoria had become sick DiPasquale asked if Victoria was still alive” “Yes” was my response. This was where I was on the morning of that Tuesday- June 27.

                While they were questioning me, I noticed that they both keep looking outside my window at the two cars in the parking spaces. They asked me if the white car was mine. I answered that my car was the Toyota- Camry. They asked me whose car was the other one. I said it was the tenant that lived upstairs. They asked me his name. I said that I only knew his first name, Bob. What I didn’t realize was that white car was the same color and type that Magi reported when Molly was missing. But, the two detectives kept their eyes on the car when they walked back to their vehicle.

                They printed out my statement and asked me to read it and sign it. This I did. Then, they packed up their printer and laptop and put everything into a black bag. Kelly then made the remark “You can get back to your phone call.” It was 6:45 pm when they finished. In that period of time, I received two or three calls which I answered and said that I was busy. I did say to Kelly that I apologized and was not trying to be difficult about going to the Westminster Police Station. I was the Pastor of St. Edwards in town and the humiliation was the main reason of my reaction. It must have been already arraigned with Chief Cudak of Westminster before they rang my door bell. Kelly told me not to worry about how I spoke so directly at him of the ramifications of such a scene. Then when both of them were at the door going out, DiPasquale told me that they would not be back. She said that they have this “statement” with over 1,000 more like this. She did say that they did not want to get into my “personal problems.” I didn’t say anything but what were those prepared questions all about? Goodbye!

                These two detectives reminded me of the “good cop, bad cop” team. He was the heavy and she was the soother. I had seen this too many times watching NYPD Blues. It was so classical how they interviewed me for a “statement.”

                I recalled how my initial reaction and how I felt when they rang my door bell. At first I was very uncomfortable and have faced different situation in my life but by this I became weak and dry mouth. But, after a few moments, I wanted to cooperate to the fullness of any questions that they had. I, actually, became clearly orientated to the whole situation. Really, I had nothing to hide or be ashamed-off. But, I had to realize that this experience was a very much drama in one day. After dealing with sadness and getting on with life, it was the posttraumatic stress syndrome model re-working itself. But, prayer, study, mediation-reflection, meetings, friends had me re-group and move into the next day. I believe that I was fortunate to have a “tool box’ to reach for to handle this and other abuse that would come my way. I was getting a better grip on life in remembering that it is my life I was living and recommitted myself to my priesthood.  Overall, I truly valued and appreciated being who I was. Things could always be better. Here I am and a person of dignity. At times I felt like a “scarlet letter” was on me. But getting this grip on my thinking did get me back on my life’s journey.

September 24, 2001

                I had an interesting “recall’ this day because since last Monday and the visit from the detectives. What I was pondering was the question “Did you ever say, ‘Watch out for her?’” No, I answered truthfully at that time. Then thinking more about this during the week, it dawned on me the situation of the last time that I saw Molly. It was the previous Easter. I was invited with my other cousin, Michael Bish, for Easter Dinner. When we sat down for dinner, the Bish family except Molly was sitting at the Easter meal.  No one said anything about where is Molly? Then she came from her room in the cellar and walked with her pocketbook saying nothing through where we were seated, went outside and drove the family car out of the yard. Not a word was said until Michael asked where she was going? John said that she is going to visit her friends. Michael said that she doesn’t have a driver’s license. This is where John said that she had been driving for over a year and was only going to see her friends. This may have been where I might have said something as what I was quoted for by the detectives. If I said anything as such, it was in the contents of saying to John and Magi to be concerned because if she stopped, she would not get her drivers license until much later. In addition, I mentioned if she was in an accident, the Bishops’ might even lose their house. Molly was only 15 years old at this time-underage to drive in Massachusetts. If, anything, what I said was a matter of concern for all.  

September 26, 2001

                I have at time wondered about my self-worth and ongoing attitude. I had to realize that I had operated toward the future and anticipate with a plan of hope. Then continue with gratitude, forgiveness and optimism as a glass being half full. The have empathy in being imaginative as other people are and have the ability to reach out with people. This was my thinking for an upsurge of my daily outlook. 

October 1. 2001

                Since the visit of the state police detectives, I was concerned somewhat if anything may develop. I shouldn’t have anything to worry about but what I had experienced with the law suite and the Worcester Diocese, I mailed a letter to apprise my civil lawyer, Attorney Ted Carey in Boston.  I, only, wanted someone else to be aware of what I had occurred on September 17^th. I didn’t hear anything from Carey nor was I surprised.  

October 2, 2001

                Channel #5 from Boston reported today that the priest of Our Lady of Czestochowa, Boston had been removed because of allegations of a young man saying the he was molested when he was a youngster. This was a Polish parish in Southie (Boston).  This report said that the Archdiocese was providing counselors for parishioners. It seemed by this time any allegations against a priest; the chanceries had a contingency plan in place to deal with situations. But, what about the priest? 

October 5, 2001

                I was picking-up priest talk in how two priests in my deanery (section of diocese) were speaking “very, very badly about priest in our deanery.” This type of talk was, always, known as “coded talk.” There was one priest helping another priest on weekends and it seemed that these two other brothers were doing an inventory- gossip. This talk by a priest was that certain priest was “rolling stones” in the Worcester Chancery. It was a confusing message that continued where Bishop Rueger was supposedly the one to contact to help priest. But Bishop Reilly was the heavy about any priest doing weekend duties. It was, against, like the good cop, bad cop syndrome. The talk from this priest was that any priest on leave must tell Rueger ahead of time where they go for weekend Masses and call him for each individual  time they were helping with Masses. One thing that I realized was that this guy talking to me had one of these “callers” doing Masses during one of his 6 ½ week encounters. So, I listened with a very selective ear because this source was taking inventory on the rumor priests because he wanted it to be known by this story that the “rumor priest” was gone six days a week from his parish. This was a game that had me just shut down in listening. It was not worth any energy discernment. Professional jealousy was rampant in what one priest had on another especially if a guy was getting away with something as days-off or vacations. This had another “code name” of jealousy or turf fight.  This was one about personalities than principles. Besides, it’s like being cut by a razor. You don’t feel it for a time. But, there is blood pouring out in front of your eyes.

                This was why I worked in my parish ministry with the perspective that too much reality would extinguish the human imagination. Bad images cannot be told to go away. They need to be healed or driven out by good ones. This was part of my survival in the priesthood.

                But, I still was jumpy hearing a car door with a beep, beep noise. I even looked out of my windows a number of times reflecting on the September 17^th experience.  

October 17, 2001

                Here is Pete, again. This guy is interesting to track in the newspaper. Fr. Pete Inzarello is an ordination classmate of mine. He was Vocation Direction while Bishop Harrington. He, also, was allegated and put on leave. But, he would get himself into putting on musical performances in the Leominster/Fitchburg are with a picture n The Montachusett T&G. here he was for a “Concert to benefit new cancer center: event is Sunday in Fitchburg at 2 p.m. Oct. 21 at St. Camillus De Lellis Church.”62 

October 19, 2001

                I had supper with Fr. Kilcoyne at a Chinese Restaurant in Leominster. He talked most of the time. But, he had to impress on me that the parish was “simmering” according to him when took over as Pastor. He told me he talked with Bishop Reilly. He told me that Bishop Reilly asked him if he was in contact with me.  He told him “Yes.” Reilly supposedly asked “Does he want to come back?” Kilcoyne said he questioned him “Do you mean to the 25^th Parish celebration or to the ministry. So, Kilcoyne directed the question to me “Yes! Definitely.” He then said that Bishop Reilly said that he never had opened and read my folder. This was hard to believe because Reilly has been in the diocese for some time at this point. Oh? I thought “Here we go again.” Then, he said he will call back to the Bishop to arrange a meeting at St. Edwards. I was beginning to wonder how much of this conversation between Kilcoyne and Reilly did, actually, take place. I know that I express by this the “Doubting Thomas.” I sat there wondering who this Kilcoyne thinks he really is. The Bishop is not coming out to St. Edward’s to meet with me. Next, the questioning continued by Kilcoyne by asking what I was doing with myself. I said that I was writing a journal which I think was a mistake. Kilcoyne came back “I hope you are kind about me in it.” Then he continued the conversation by telling me than people go their separate ways. He shoed me with his fingers on his hand of going up and court, away from each other. He became redder faced than usual by saying that this (St. Edwards) was a parish. He continued with this by saying that he knew that I called it a ‘faith community.” But, he uses ‘parish.” He had to make this point by even pointing at me. He related that he was going to establish a $100,000 endowment in the parish. I, only, looked at him because I wondered about needed repairs and general plant development besides paying certain parish personal for rendered service of a professional wage. Listening to him a few times, he had some attitude. He spoke as though he had answers to everything. It seemed that he had answers to questions that you have not asked. Actually, Kilcoyne was exhausting to have dinner with. I found very interesting that he told me about a parishioner who he said he has to put up his hands as stop because she talks so fast and with so many different messages. My God! He was describing himself. 

October 21, 2001

                A few days later from this Kilcoyne experience, I had coffee with another priest. I notice the power issue. This pastor was all power. I was thinking how one will not make bug money as a priest. So, what else is there but power-control in such circumstances by Kilcoyne. This insight came flashing to me because I suggested one place we might be able to go. In a power game, he would find some problems for not going with my suggestion. What was interesting was that I was aware of his technique and would kind of have a smirk on my face. There were other issues besides power or control here with this guy.

                This particular time, this pastor was telling me that Bishop Reilly told him that “from his own lips” that he was having problems with filing positions of priests in the diocese. This guy had to try so hard to impress one with knowing and hearing something from the Chancery as the Bishop.

                I had to also hear own at the Deanery (section) meeting of priest that the topic of “Monsignor” was chatted about. What was peculiar was that I heard the same point from Kilcoyne a few days previously. But, this guy had to make the point that in this diocese, two “Monsignors” are made from each nationality group. Oh? This priest has had the ‘red rash” from his seminary days. He is in completion with another priest in the deanery for this title. When, I attended this meeting, it was something to watch these two personalities doing a “peacock” show and we had a few “flappers.”.  It was somewhat humors to see. But, it was power-control at it most polished form except that of Rome.

                What I notice with myself after having supper and coffee with a couple of priest that I found my sleeping of an issue. A few nights, I’d wake-up at 3 a.m. or 4L15 a.m. automatically and then toss-an-turn for about an hour. I would fall asleep again for a couple hours.  This combined with my pajama tops being soaked for a change had me concerned. I was, always, thinking of ways to improve myself as a person and priest. My mind was constantly working to be myself and yet be a person of dignity.  

October 24, 2001

                I had this eye-opening thought. The Worcester Diocese with the Church in general is exploiting the “allegation” issue and what the government has done with “terrorism and 9-11.” The reason that I think as such was with one of my talks with my Canon Lawyer, Fr. Tom Lynch remark “Ted, there is a dragnet going through the water.”

There was something that I didn’t pay that much attention too in that certain priests would just disappear. There was no “Official Notice” or anything. They were gone. No one knew anything. Not even the “gossip group” which in Worcester Diocese was a certain nationality elite. God, they had stories to relate that I wondered when they did any type of ministry. They had the capacity of using superlative language. The F.B.I. and C.I.A. would learn something from this group. It was even at ordination that I was told by a couple priests that if I had any problems never go and tell Bishop Harrington. He was the Auxiliary Bishop and in charge of priest personal. (Vicar of Clergy) It was known that he talked too much about confidential matters. There was the talk: “If you have a problem, don’t go to Harrington. Go directly to Bishop Flanagan.” I was an American of Polish ancestry and there was the expression to describe these guys with “plotki.” These were the ones that were the gossip characters.

                This w where I learned that there are reasons for people doing thing they do. We can try to understand. When one is able to understand is to be educated. Power and authority were at the top of the agenda of being a priest during my time. However, I believe that with the renewal of the Church with the Documents of the Second Vatican Council had power and authority in a much different light than what I had to live in. 

October 25, 2001

                I previewed the latest catalog of The Liturgical Press. This is a Catholic publishing house with some reliable publications being offered. What had my interest was one whole page being offered on the priest sexual abuse issue. There were seven books being offered by this company. The titles” Questions and Answers About Clergy secular Misconduct (From the Interfaith Sexual Trauma Institute),  Ministry and Community: Recognizing, Healing and Preventing Ministry Impairment, Restoring the Soul of Church: Healing Congregations Wounded by Clergy sexual Misconduct, Before the Fall: Preventing Pastoral Sexual Abuse, A Tragic Grace: The Catholic Church and Child Sexual Abuse, The Congregational Response of Clergy Betrayal of Trust, Recognizing the Lost Self Shame: Healing for Victims of Clergy Sexual Abuse.  What was peculiar was that I heard nothing or only a few comments if anything through the media or the talk circuit about very many people upset and requesting “healing.” I’m not saying it was not an issue. But, it was not a conversation item in my area besides the local The Gardner News printing one abuse situation in this town. One day, it was printed and nothing more was read or heard. But here it was in print by this publisher. The titles of these works proved very sensational. Was this an area by certain elements in the Church pushing the “Dragnet going through the water” comment that I heard in 1993?  

November 2, 2001

                I read in the National Catholic Reporter an article “Difficulties of celibate living is a major factor.” According to a sociologist, Dean R. Hoge who reported on October 19 at a meeting of sociologist who study religion. He stated” “Also important, though less so, are satisfaction with their (priest) current work in ministry, the level of support they receive from fellow priests, their living situations, and heir own spiritual life.” He proceeded to say that the first five years after priest ordinations was reviewed as background factors and experiences. “Today in 2001 that 10 to 15% resign in the first five years after their ordination. The relate today is a bit higher then in 1980’s…those who resigned were disproportioned as dissatisfied with their first assignment and cites loneliness as a major problem.”63

                The “system” was my issue besides what this article reported. It was what I called “Disneyland” ministry. It was so closed a system that was struggling between maintaining the pre-Vatican model and the system proposed with the Second Vatican Council. I felt at time as we were going down the highway at 100 miles an hour and then it is slammed into reverse. It was a ride! 

November 3, 2001

                I came across this in my reading: “I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.” (Flannery O’Connor) This was one of the most precise reasons for me keeping a daily journal and writing this work. 

November 4, 2001

                These coffees that I have with priest do give my insights. But, they, also, have me wondering of their “injections” and not what is actually taking parity. This day I hear this priest tell me that the lawyers have told the bishops certain advice. The bishops have to protect themselves on both sides of the equation. The have to be aware of counter-suites but alleged priest as, “also, a violated nature.” If the bishop put back an allegated priest, I was told, he had to look at the liability of such an action. In addition, this guy tells me that the bishop had to face what if they, the “returned” priest did it against. The conversation continued that any action that the bishop had to face was best to “keep the priest in limbo. Not doing anything but the bishop- is the safer way.”  He finished, in my mind, by saying that he read The Boston Globe and saw that Cardinal Law was doing that. So, he did not see another viewpoint that I may have had of putting priest back into ministry. Oh! I know this priest never read The Boston Globe nor had a computer for the internet to get such information. I just listened to this guy and quickly finished my coffee. I had more important things to do- like live. Driving back, I recalled how Dr. Zeman asked me in one session of late if I thought about a job. I responded with an emphatic “I’m a priest.” I recalled this because I realized my spirituality was orientated towards a Benedictine Rule. It is achieve through the living of the perfect Christian life in a regular behavior cycle of meditative reading of the sacred scripture, interposed with work, and the whole life regulated by the saying of the Divine Office. The Benedictines had tow poles in their spirituality. One pole is in the effort of renewal and reform that is pertinent to the present time. This pole of the effort of renewal is the spirit and the words sand writing s of their founder. The other pole of reform is the demands of the times and the demands of the Church in light of the Holy Spirit. These two interact but the question remain “How are they able balanced harmoniously so as to preserve both (Renewal and Tradition) values.  This is what I review day in and day out. It is an ongoing process. 

November 7, 2001

                A very interesting picture and article appeared in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette- The Montachusett section of a “New St. Leo playground gets bishop’s blessing.” The picture had Bishop Rueger, Fr. John Doran (Pastor) holding the holy water, and Fr. Peter Inzarillo standing new to Rueger. The story reported “the playground, which has been in use since April…”64 what I found peculiar that this was November and the playground has been in use since April. Scheduling problem or was it “show time” for coming out of Fr. Inzarello with the Bishop standing with him? Inzarello had been re-instated to ministry after allegations to St. Leo’s as “Associate Pastor” in Leominster. This was a very interesting public showing of Inzarello.  

November 9, 2001

                Well, a new venture. It seems that there are new owners for the building in which I have my studio apartment. Wonderment does set-in. But, it is not have an anxiety element in myself. This is why even with my ovation and life, I believe that I would be in a “progressive’ camp. I realized with the Church that with this orientation need to have to be with deep theological reflections on key issues facing Catholicism. The need to stay engaged with institutional politics. However distasteful and discouraging and win by arguments and not accusations. This is where I believe I have directed to believe that God will use this period of uncertainty and crisis to mold me. I realize that it calls for prayer and trust particularly as a Catholic to meet the challenge by using my gifts, talents, and creative imagination.

When I feel down I have to recall an insight given by Robert D. Putnam in his book Bowling Alone. He writes that people are disassociating themselves, lying less with a community outlook. He refers to the glory days of bowling. Well, he sys that bowing leagues have dropped 60% in recent time. So, whenever I flow into the “pity pot” of no one is calling me, I have to realize this and the American society- forget very quickly- that I live in. My journaling has at times been negative with my insights. Yet, I was told by a professional nurse that I was in denial with my “book writing.” I realize that insight was not exactly true because the journaling helped me put things in contents, informative and being insightful. Actually I should have asked what she was trying to say with “denial”. I did not nor was I interested in pursing her line at this particular time.

                I was thinking afterward about a TV ad I viewed. It was a guy in his pajamas, reading the Internet. The computer voice says “You have seen everything there is to see. You have reached the end of the Internet. Please go back, now!” The guy has a shocked facial expression. He hit the button and goes to sit next to his wife at the table she is sitting at and who is reading a card. She asks him if he is diminished. He answers “Yes! I’m finished. I have read all there is on the Internet.” She raises her eyes with astonishment End of sequence. This gave me some thought on how to answer some comments and questions that people ask of me at times.  Then, I think no. I have to be myself.  I have tried to do the right thing, articulate the issue and engage the person or group that I am encountering. I mange myself by trying to maintain the status quo and making sure things are run right. But, this is me and not someone else. I’ll stay this way. 

November 18, 2001

                     I came across an interesting on the internet entitled “Reflection: Truth seeking and truth telling” by Fr. Andrew Murray, SM. He teaches philosophy at the Catholic Institute of Sydney. He wrote “Truth seeking calls for care and diligence. Often, when an alarming or tragic event on a scale affecting the whole society burst into our lives, people rush on to television screens or on to radio to tell us what has happened. Wiser people stand back and say that there is more to be learnt yet. They know that events are complex and that things unravel slowly. The stay with their questions and weigh each new piece of evidence. When somebody speaks they ask what does this mean and what could this person know? Even when it seems that it is all over, they continue gently to wonder what it was all about. These are truth seekers.”65

                I have this type of approach to issues. But, it was anything but such an approach concerning Bishop Harrington and the “Goon Squad” at the Worcester Chancery. Never mind anything else, I was not able to get anything on the table to explain or put into contact. Harrington notorious statement “You’re guilty till proven innocent.” But, there was no time given “innocent.”

                Yet, at this same time on the internet, I found an article from The Tablet entitled “Priest who break our trust.” This is an article by Fr. Gerald Coleman who was president of St. Patrick’s Seminary in California. He described “modern techniques of selection of candidates for ordination-but these can still fail.” He sated that the archdiocese of San Francisco had “developed a battery of test and obstacles.  Yet, still we are experiencing difficulties with some of our clergy. Why? Apart from the viabilities and psychopathology of a small number of priests and religious, many believe, including the media, that the Church itself too often fosters and reinforces pathological and unbecoming behavior, for example by accepting candidates for the priesthood who develop psychosexual and behavioral disorder.” He then goes on to give some “responsible replies.”  He says “First, some seminarians never permit the seminary’s formation programmed really to affect them. Getting ordained is more important them than honesty and truthfulness. Some priests even live a lie. The develop a borderline personality, which utilizes the psychological primitive defense of “splitting”: in public, they follow the respectable and praiseworthy calling of priest, but in private they live in a way that is in effect contrary to the meaning of their priestly vocations. Some live a secret life, never sharing problems with a spiritual director, a therapist, an adviser or anther priest who can give sound advice and help. Others against are living a life of denial. The think they will never get caught, that celibacy is an unfair request of the Church and that the Church’s teaching on sexuality is outmoded. They believe they have a right to live the way they want as long as they do the “job”. Others just go through the motions, allowing spiritual life to be routine (saying Mass and performing the sacraments) but never renewing their faith by taking the time to pray, to reflect on the Scriptures and to meditate.

                Coleman gives “What further steps can we take? First, priests and religious who have betrayed their sacred trust should apologies to the Church, their victims, and everyone they have hurt. Secondly, bishops and priests must assist clergy and religious who are at present living lives of denial and secrecy to ask for help and provide the necessary guidance and therapy. Thirdly, diocese and religious communities should consider the adoption of a code of conduct that outlines healthy behavior for priests and religious and ‘red flags’ that denote unhealthy and inappropriate behavior. You should also be periodic psychological testing for priests and religious to allow them systematically to discern their psychosexual and behavioral strengths and weaknesses, along the lines adopted for seminary candidates.”66

                This had something to read when I, likewise, heard from a priest that since Bishop Reilly has been in the diocese, it is a “place state.” Obviously, such an article by a rector of a seminary is a front-man speaking for the bishops.  What I find interesting is the psycho-babble language is injected by church officials to the present situation. Some years previously, the word used was “immaturity.”  We are watching how the “hardening of the wax” syndrome is being staged to what we used to say that “Jesus would not even have a chance to be ordained.” The police state comment was most interesting to hear. But, one had to notice to what was happening to society in general.

                I wonder at times as hearing this type of talk about a spirituality that I way taught in the seminary by a layman- Bill Jacobs. He gave one lecture on dying and rising in Paschal Mystery living. He said it is not a “tit-for-tat.” It is not a matter of dying, them immediately rising- bang! There is new life. The dying and rising is a rhythm that defines our Christian living. This is the model for our own living. We know this certainly because Jesus died, then was rising to new life. The test is not to expect the new life in some kind to time frame as three day’s the call of liturgical spirituality is that we believe that new life is truly given. This belief encourages and strengthens us to embrace the dying. When our lives are characterized by the dying and rising rhythm of the Paschal mystery- of gospel living. Then we begin to see the mystery of God’s salvation events in all circumstances of our lives. Liturgy is the indispensable source and font for our gospel living because that is where we encounter Jesus in his salvation mystery. This is why a lived liturgy is all the spirituality we need.

                This same sitting at the computer and the internet had reference to “Sexuality in the seminary” by the statement “A high proportion of homosexuals are found in some local Churches among catholic priests and Catholic seminarians. Does it matter? How should these Churches react? These questions are considered by the rectory of the Ushaw seminary in Durham. Fr. James O’Keefe writes “The question addressed by Mark Dowd in his Tablet article (‘Gays in the priesthood’, 5 May) and in his television programmed Queer and Catholic   are very important. W must be clear, however, for a start, that the Catechism of the Catholic Church does not say that homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered.” Some believe that the archbishop (Bertone- secretary to the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith) described the homosexual orientation as ‘objectively disordered.” This is not what the reort says CNS itself, however, is quite inaccurate when it goes on to remark the ‘the Catechism of the Catholic Church calls the homosexual inclination ‘objectively disordered.” It does not. At very least, there needs to be consistency of expression, clarity and compassion in approaching this extremely sensitive subject. Many people are hurt and confused not only by the language, but by what can appear to be a different approach when and ‘official statement’ differs from a statement in the catechism. I know form those of my friends who are gay in ordination that the Church’s uncompromising stand does present a real challenge for many. It need not be a particular problem for seminary rectors, however, because of the Church’s expectation that priest in the Catholic Church are to be chaste celibates.”67

                The approach by church official and others are dogging the real issue of sexuality and the modern world with what is referred too as “word splitting.” You have to realize the language of the pastoral level is one thing, and then you have the theological. There are distinctions it is interesting when you read or hear such statements as Keefe states and read it over, again. Many times I heard this and wondered why the message is obviously getting it across to the real people that don’t see theoretical / professional language from practical language as saying things in plain” language The question is, at times, that certain people thrive on double talk or confuse the issue. This is where I hear people tell me say it is or isn’t. I cringe when I ‘m so confronted because the issue gets interesting by who is talking and their agenda. I believe it has to be talked about more in those talking and their relationship to God and humanity.  But, we have to realize that everything is not black and white. We keep learning more and more each and every day of our lives. I come back to the issue of the system and resurging clericalism with “power and authority” prevailing in authoritarianism

                However, there is legitimate authority. But, watching the issue of resurging clericalism is plain authoritarianism. A faith community starves for real leadership, in that those who can articulate the depth of the Christian mystery, the very real hopes and dreams, the deepest human instinct of this community it craves for legitimate authority. For those who can truly “author” the best in us, guided by the best in our tradition and in our faith.  

November 30, 2001

                I was having my mind doing the “the shitty-little-bitty committee” routine. What started this was how I read the 1998 National Catholic Directory: Worcester Diocese that had me list as: “Absent on Leave.” This was the first that I was aware of such a situation on my status. Neither the Bishop nor any diocese official has contacted me on this or on any matter whatever. In addition, I heard that Bishop Rueger told the Presbyter Council that there is a “special fund” for certain guys. What did that mean? Then, supposedly, Reilly told Kilcoyne that he has not read my folder.  What did that mean? I have found when I let this “committee” to gather that I “beat” myself with an invisible rod.

                This is where I value writing my daily journal. In this writing, I am learning to free myself, say in word what is in my mind, and learning more about me. This is why, I find value in the writing in that I get my insights, new information, and keep focused.   

December 6, 2001

                I get this article on the internet “Ratzinger takes responsibility for priestly pedophile cases.” It was from Catholic Excommunications that stated “In a new set of norms, the Vatican’s Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, headed by Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, has take juridical control over cases of sexual abuse of minors by priests, classifying it as one of several ‘grave offences’ against church law. The move represents a Vatican effort to centralize procedure and oversight on these kinds of sexual cases, said canon law experts in Rome.”68

                Yah! After there are dead bodies clogging the street gutters, we get this. What was really going on before this? The questions, again, are more interesting than the answers. What recuperation does someone have that is unjustly allegated? What type of information is sent with priest’s folder? Basically, who sends this information? 

December 14, 2001

                Now we get another article “Doctrinal congregation given authority over sex abuse cases: Vatican move seen as attempt to balance priests’ right, victims’ need for rapid action.” The article says “ In what experts describe as an attempt to balance the right of priests accused of sexually abusing children against  the desire to speed up judgment in these often agonizing cases the pope has assigned exclusive juridical authority over such cases to Vatican’s powerful doctrinal agency  Under the new rules, bishops will be required to report probable sexual abuse of minors by purists to the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, which can decide to let a local tribunal handle the case or to take it up in Rome. The rules impose strict secrecy, stipulate a 10-year statue of limitations from the accuser’s 18^th birthday, and specify that such cases must be handling by priest-staffed courts.”69

                This gives more information. Again, who does what say in my particulars with Harrington, Rueger, Tinsley, and don’t forget Pedone. The gang is all here.  What does the 10-year statue of limitations from the accuser’s 18^th birthday do when you have a bishop telling you that “you’re guilty till proven innocent?”

                This takes me back to an article, previously used of “Priests, Power, and Sexual Abuse” by James J. Gill, S.J. M.D. He has this paragraph “The term power is used in conversation by millions of people every day, but most of the time its meaning is assumed to be clear enough that definition is unnecessary. Most of us would probably be willing to accept without question sociologist Ms. Weber’s definition of power: ‘The possibility of imposing one’s will upon the behavior of other persons.’ The distinguished economist John Kenneth Galbraith, in The Anatomy of Power, agrees with Weber when he describes the exercise of power simply as ‘someone or some group…imposing its will and purpose or purposes on others, including on those who are reluctant or adverse.’ It is Galbraith understands of the various type of power and their sources that I intend to use as a theoretical skeleton on which to flesh out my perception off the role of power in sexual abuse.”70 This is Gill’s perception. But, I look and try to get this “power” issue out for any discussion as how this day and age especially since the 70s. They use their “authority” in refusing any and all discussions. It is watched by over a “certain select group” and a few others that will do everything and anything to preserve the system.

                I had to hear from Bob O’Brien at the famous Bob’s Hot Dog Truck in West Boylston that Msgr Tom Needhan remarked to him: “Teddy will be taken care of.” Who and what did this guy mean by such a remark and where were the lines of gossip in this particular statement. Who is going to take care of me and in what way? This was that gossip circle that exited in the Worcester Chancery and ascertain group of clergy. This was how the priesthood existed. People lives re being destroyed and you were not able to do anything.

                I recall speaking with a priest that worked in Rome who told me that the present situation in Rome was that they viewed our American culture as rooted in Calvinist individualism, with consequently an underdeveloped concept of community and the Church... This was how survival was in the gossip and circumstances of being a parish priest that worked and believed in a “faith community” model. It was so foreign a concept that I was going against the current with my entire ministry. I functioned as I was ministering in an area as a large extended family, longtime friends, and colleagues. It was the place where I found my voice. 

December 19, 2001

                I read in the National Catholic Reporter “Letter,” of another viewpoint of the “dragnet going through the water:” It was sent by a Marianne T. Dude, Executive Director of Dignity/USA. She wrote that “every month priest are dismissed, forced into retirement or encourage ending their ministry simply because there are gay. Every day, though sands of lesbian and gay social teachers, social workers, hospital chaplains, and administrators who work for the church, take a deep breath before in entering their workplace, wondering if this is the day they’ll be ousted and lose their jobs.”71 This was interesting to read in that I had many times wondered because of being a recovered alcoholic and the dragnet working that the Chancery would have done the same. It was a totally different situation, but one sensed that only “perfect” people were only functioning in this day and age. This was even carried on when I had to visit the temporary Chancery Office at the Mother House and Fr. Stephen Pedone saying to me on my way out that” “We have other things on you Ted!” I know that I gave him the stare, in that it was since 1977 that I had been sober. I should have said that” There is nothing. If you have anything, put it out or keep quiet.” It was system harassment. They were trying to intimidate which at times did get at me because of me reflecting what Rueger in 1993 said: “More is going to come out on you, Ted!” Where is George?” Nothing ever has or had been proven. Why don’t we say that Pedone and Rueger were covering-up for Bishop Harrington particulars’- drunken driving, etc.

                Many times, I recall, sitting at my desk at 11 a.m. waiting for my 1:30 p.m. mail delivery wondering. It was anxiety that I should never have to live with. But, after time, this issue was purified in me because there was nothing.  

December 22, 2001

                The atmosphere of our society was such that victim, allegations, harassment were daily news worthy and conversation. The New York Daily News carried this venture: “JUST KNEW I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE AT WORK WHEN…the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me….the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area….my assistant began responding to y memos with, “Yeah, whatever.”…I got an “It’s for you loser.”  I was receiving e-mail & not a chime…my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 lasts weekend…the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record….the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 years contract….I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work…my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster…my secretary comments like ‘Get the phone, my nails aren’t dry.’…three people began helping me write a ‘desk manual’ for my job….the LAM suddenly began backing-up my computer every 1o minutes….a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets….the receptionist began saying’ Who???’ to anyone calling on me. (Signed) Thanks Divinely M.”72

                This was printed for the office worker and atmosphere of our work place. So, imagine what the outlook was on clergy. I added a new prayer to my repartee: God, save me from your holy people, whatever size or shape. John Cornwell wrote in Breaking Faith that 1,000 priests on pedophile with $1 billon dollars had been paid out by the Church. I was told this by a friend. I didn’t ask or say anything because I was not a pedophile. It was said to get a reaction from me. I did not go there. I now that if I spoke with the Bishop this day, I would say that I’m tired of pop shots at me, needed rent hope because of the cost of living and household expenses and no where to go. A different takes that I though but would not use was: “What is being manipulated? The mudding of the waters was being carried out. There is money tied to every story issue. In my thinking, I recall G.K. Chesterton’s saying: “The trouble with Christianity is that it hasn’t been tried.” I feel this at times with the Diocese of Worcester and surrounding area. It was a feeling of being them saying: “Freeze him at and put him on the shelf.” But, where Msgr. Needham said: “Teddy is being taken off.” It was public relations and only that. 

December 23, 2001

                The Poster Boy Priest work that I was developing from my daily journal was a work of the utmost sensitivity and compassion. It is strange and sad, yet a revealing story. It is a work of deep, subtle, singularly encompassing work. The reader will share in all the joys and sorrows. The priest is not only unraveling a story of mysterious sequences and being courage’s and humble as to lift tragedy to positive heights. 

December 24, 2001

                A priest in a local parish had me stop into his church to show me the new carpeting he had installed. I became overcome with a weak feeling while standing in the middle aisle and looking at the main altar. I wanted to leave immediately. On my drive back, I wondered what was happening. I felt that guilt overcame me. It was the situation that here I was saying Mass in the “cave.” Here, I was looking at a situation where I was not able to say Mass. In addition, I was thinking how much fear would be to say Mass publicly until I had my name cleared of those two allegations. It was what I hear at an AA meeting that we take a stick and beat ourselves with it. This was different on my part. I experienced such feelings before. It had been some time. Besides, it was Christmas. I tired to recall past Christmas’ in the parish and recalled experienced that were unpleasant. So, a fleeing thought would enter my thinking that the “cave” isn’t so bad after all. This did not last very long because my heart and soul was with people. It did hurt. I knew that at times, people would say you have to move on. Easy for them to say. But, I knew I had to live with the present situation. 

December 30, 2001

                I was wondering about “Questions.” I reflected how you are many way of asking questions and there are probably just as many way of answering them how a particular question is answered depends on a verity of factors: Who asked the question? What it was in the first place, and even the personality or mood of the person answering. It is a mark of wisdom to know how to give the most appropriate answer to a question. So those listeners are really given the information they need to know.

                This was something I had to develop and practice because I would usually respond what was on my mind. This was due to the fact that I believed tell the truth and what my opinion was at the time. But, I was adjusting to such openness, mainly due to being more selective. I, also, learned more with time that most people have their minds set and anything you say, they are not really listening too. But, I was and am constantly learning especially saying very little and answering with a “Yes” or “no” period. It is interesting to watch that person’s facial reaction. I was more careful in my comments and answers in general. 

December 31, 2001

                It was a Monday. I renewed my “Baptismal Vows” because this was my baptism in 1944. I did such with “hope. I had a litany I used: “I hope that…I hope that…I hope that…. It is all we have.