2001

January 1, 2001

                What I do with everyone else on this day is wish people a “Happy New Year.” What I have already done since the First Sunday of Advent as the Church calendar of the new liturgical year. This day is my “Happy New Year.” Now, trying to explain it to someone connected or not connected with the Catholic Church, always, gets interesting. So, I, only, mosey along with this holiday. I do offer my Eucharist (Mass) of this day as intentions of “Thanksgiving.” In this attitude of being who I am and my relationship to God and the “People of God” that I know and had the please of meeting in my life’s journey.

                I had made this year- The Year of Coping. I take this from how the Chinese call each year as something different- the Year of the (Animals). I had a goal to learn better coping skills or techniques.

                One of my first conversations was with Margaret Peltola. She said to me “The Diocese should have handled the situation with us (St. Edward’s Parish) better than they had. Today, it s not so bad with the present staff.”

                Now, my first thought but did not say: Oh? It is double status with clericalism of Pastor and now Deacon. I had to realize that Margaret was a religious sister before she was married and moved to Westminster. She has donated her time and talent on a voluntary basis. She does have religious education credentials with a MA in Religious Education form Boston College. So, she had some background. But, then I hear her talk how the Deacon is able to help with the pastoral work of doing Baptisms and preaching.  I wanted but did not say that as long as such a situation develops that “creeping clericalism” was overcoming the role of the laity. In the matter of Baptism, the Deacon does not do the ceremony at Mass where it has to be the celebrant (priest).  If you have the Deacon capsizing, it has to be at a private ceremony. Therefore, if any Baptismal ecclesiology was to develop, the primary celebration was to be done at Mass within the faith community context. In some ways, this “creeping clericalism” was more of a 1951 model of Church which was before Pope John XXIII was elected and calling the Second Vatican Council. I, also, wanted to say to her that the Diocese just treated you as they treat everyone because of the hierarchical model in place. There is the expression that fits this type of model of “Pray and Pay!) The Diocese just would go on. I, also, wanted to say to her what did she spent as being parity of the Church on just being told, even in silence,  when  the hierarchy wanted your opinion or any opinion. She did talk with me how at the only Mass on New Years Day of 10:00 am (no obligation) where the church was nearly full and “so much talent” with individual cantor and singer. I held back my opinion o f saying that she was partially correct but that there were a number of these people that had “ego.” They needed stage to do “ministry.” A lot of the “continuing conversion” was really not in form. Then she spoke a lot of R.C.I.A. words and other ecclesial talk. But, I wanted but, again, did not say that it was still the old form of pre-Vatican time.

                So, my “Year of Coping” was off and running in good form. I have to realize that Margaret wanted to believe in a very idealistic fashion or was it my issue that is being idealistic of a “faith community”? 

January 4, 2001

                I was reading on the internet an article from Studies: an Irish Quarterly Review of Winter 2000 entitled: “Editorial-Scandals in the Church- The Irish Response.” This editorial began “Throughout the 1990s there were constant reports of child sexual abuse on a dreadful scale… For example, research by the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty in Britain shows that in 40 per cent of incidents of child abuse, the perpetrators were the victims’ fathers and in another 30 per cent of cases other relatives. Only in 4 per cent some have pointed to celibacy as a possible cause, others to the poor sexual and emotional formation of priests and religious. Yet others point to the authoritarianism of his church as an element in the explanation. However, as the psychiatrist, Dr. Patrick Walsh, state: “On the BBC programmer Sunday (4/12/1994), a celibate is less likely to molest a child sexually than a married man. Furthermore, Andrew Greeley has shown from his study of the Chicago Archdiocese that approximately, at most, 3 per cent of priests have been guilty of child abuse.”1

                This editorial decried the abuse crisis which I totally agreed with. However, it was the first time that I ever read or heard such an overview and statistics. Yet, I want to inject that in my particulars that some people had “attitude: towards the Catholic Church and let us not forget the issue of money. When are we able to get another viewpoint to a situation that is being explicated by certain groups- lawyers to say the least and Church authorities to imitate the “drag net through the water?”  By the way, this type of article I was never able to find or hear about in this country. 

January 6, 2001

                A former parishioner called me and asked “Did you watch last night the ABC program 20/20 with Barbara Walters on ‘Gay Priest’? She continued to say “I tried calling you because the whole program was on the gay priesthood and Aids. The priesthood is gay according to this program.” This parishioner was on the parish council and was connected to the Church. Besides all this, she had two brothers in her family that were gay. So, I, actually, didn’t answer her with any comments or statements besides saying that I did not see the program. But, I did say that hearing this kept me curious of what the media was attempting to do and waiting for Church people reacting time. My curiosity continued on with a spirit of perseverance and adaptation. Many times I had to recall of keeping it in the present 24 hours.

                One of my cousins called me for Santa Fe, NM. He related to me that in the Santa Fe Archdiocese that there were 36 out of the toll of 70 priests in this Archdiocese on administrative leave because of sexual allegations. This type of news and similar has one really wondering of what was really gong on in this country and the Catholic Church.  It may be brought forward that issues of the 1970s were now being discovered from the dark recesses of one’s mind and those feelings being brought forward to light by present day counselors, courts, and lawyers. One has to only consider the numbers and wonder from a percentage viewpoint or any viewpoint. The game goes on- sue a priest for it is the thing to do.  

January 12, 2001

                This one gets good. I read in National Catholic Reporter a story “Priest may sue church, California court rules.” The article states: “A California appellate court has rules that a priest who was placed on administrative leave after reporting suspected child abuse to the police can sue his church. The court said that the ‘compelling state interest in protecting children’ justified legal consideration of the San Francisco Archdiocese disciplinary measures against Fr. John Conley, the San Francisco Chronicle reported….Conley’s suit had been dismissed by a lower court on the grounds that I would violate the church’s freedom of religion… Conley also charges that he was libeled by an archdiocesan spokesman who in 1998 wrote a letter to a local paper accusing the priest of conducting a ‘witch hunt’ against Fr. James Aylward…The archdiocese has said that it encouraged Conley to report the incident to the police (priest wrestling with a teenager) and that it place Conley on leave for unrelated behavioral problems.”2

                This story of similar ones gets reported and then we don’t read anything more. Now, this had to be put into context in that a priest is not able to sue his bishop in civil court. So, where was this whole story going?

                I did have a similar or I thought similar possible situation in that my civil lawyer did say to me that my “case was far from over if I wished to pursue it.”  There was a whole string of accusations that were printed in the local newspaper as Bishop Rueger calling me “odd” and other related matter pertaining to my case. First of all, I would have had to leave the priesthood and the other matter of no money had me have no options. 

January 14, 2001

                I still struggled with my situation in an emotional way. The allegations and what the hierarchical Church did to me was the familiar “roller coaster” ride. It did affect how I reacted to meeting people in which I had a shame attitude that I carried with myself. I, also, felt ostracized from the Worcester Diocese and society in general. It was as though I was a “leper.” This may be that I was comfortable with attending AA meetings because there is the anonymously issue. But, even there, people would find out who you are and do for work because of the surrounding area. It did affect me at times and other times I would walk anywhere and anytime with no worry of anyone saying anything of what appeared in the newspaper. I had no one to blame but myself and any isolation that I experienced. There was the element of living with sharks in that you may prink you fingered and the sharks will eat off your arm.

                I heard Kathy Lee Griffin (Singer and TV Hostess) gave in an ABC program – The View in an interview, said about her in that the only power she had over her choices and way she acted and responded to things. So, she said that she can’t control what other do so she just “gives it up” and goes on.  I called Kathy Lee Griffin as the predicament philosopher. She seemed to give a strong public and personal presentation of her way of life. But, I wonder if it was all a performance. This attitude is one that I hear more offend that one might believe. I have heard this number of times by different individuals since 1993. However, they are walking in m shoes.  

                I don’t have such an approach to life and give things up as such. There is the element of what I call the “groundhog game” in which the groundhog pops-up and one tries to hammer it and it ducks into the ground. Then, when you aim towards another area, the same groundhog pops-up. It does get better in time of not reflecting that way as before. However, I found strength through my working the AA program and people that walked with me through events since 1993. 

January 16, 2001

                I came across an article on the internet “Catholic panel to screen British clergy candidates for child abuse. It reported that “all aspirants for the Catholic priesthood would be vetted by a new national body under the proposals being considered  by an independent committee set up to root out child abusers…Senior officials said they now recognized the need for thorough screening of candidates for the priesthood-carried out nationally to ensure consistency. At present, each diocese is responsible for training and monitoring its clergy and although theocracy drew up national procedures for child protection in 1994, these have not been uniformly applied. The committee is also under pressure to recommend that clergy undergo regular assessments throughout their careers to ensure that priests who develop pedophile tendencies are identified. Such a move would, however, be strongly resisted by the clergy, and Church officials said there were already assessment procedures in place although these might require strengthening.”3

                When I read this, I wondered if Jesus, even in his divine state, would be able to minister. Talk about tightening up on priest and their behavior. What is more important is there is a panel, who is appointed and what recourse does a priest have. What procedures would they follow on a priest as he does his pastoral ministry? Would things turn into witch hunt of the Salem, Massachusetts early years? Would such a panel have stock in ankle bracelets?  Would a constant” dragnet is going through the water.” The questions would keep expounding to ask: What is really going on? I imagine many mothers would be lining-up their sons to become priests.

January 17, 2001

I had coffee with another priest who shared with me a story that I wondered about and was aware that he was seeking my reaction and any comments. I listened. He said the “guys” (priests were talking that the Worcester Diocese would have given Fr. Inzarello a positive recommendation to work anywhere else- another diocese. Hey, he gets assigned to St. Leo’s, Leominster as Associate/Curate. This priest says that Inzarello is “back-in.” I was thinking that this may be somewhat true but it is like the fox is in the chicken cop and the Diocese has tied Inzarello n the corner of the chicken cop. Let’s not forget that Inzarello was Vocation Director under Bishop Harrington. How much did he have on “dirt” on fellow priest? There is a lot more to hit guy’s story and him getting assigned in the manner. I, also, heard from this priest how the Deanery (section) meetings were not on a regular monthly schedule. It developed to a bi-monthly. I heard that one priest would not attend if there was no agenda in reference to getting together once a month. There is some truth that certain guys wanted something because it was their, what I call, “show time” and gather gossip. It is a different game that this guy I was having coffee with. A good example was how this guy mentioned to me how he read in the National Catholic Reporter section “Letters-to-the-Editors” on “Priests and AIDS.” I only said: “They (letters) are the most interesting of these particular papers.” I dropped it and changed the topic. I wouldn’t go there to his question. This priest was “slick” in his techniques. I describe him as driving along a major highway and you see those “chicken haws” circling above the highway, watching to scope some prey. It was the game in a very sophisticated way of testing to find out what my opinion is on certain issues. This is the same priest that I went with to the retreat center in Canada. He would say, a number of times to me, that the “Fathers at the retreat house are very interested in you.” Get me out of here. Yet, this guy would, what I call a smoke screen-up,   by making a very derogatory remark about a waitress who was a young college girl: “What is the young ---- doing tonight?” He had a style even in his Pastorship of do ceremonies and only the basics and that would be the end of the discussion. He protected his own turf and didn’t invest much else of himself for anyone.  

January 22, 2001

                One of the rewards by dong research in a lot of reading was the article “Living with Silencing” by Sr. Jeannette Gramick. She wrote in the National Catholic Reporter “As time goes on, I am growing more at peace with God’s will. Whatever happens happens….I has faced that in prayer and I’m not going to fall apart. I have gained so much strength through my prayer life. I think I have been showered with God’s grace.”4

                Sr. Gramick had been silenced by the Vatican. But, she has shared her journey. It made me realize or better yet, recall that I have been showered with God’s grace in so many ways in my journey of life and ministry. I have not been doing anything with this on mind. I don’t mention very much about my prayer life. But, I do say Mass daily, do my Divine Office daily, rosary when I get my three mile walk in during the day and do spiritual reading besides my other readings.

                This brings to me how I was reminded how we, as the Catholic Church are never to force others to accept our moral beliefs according to the latest edition of the Catechism of the Catholic Church.  This had me realizing the abortion issue and our society. I realized that in such a situation, it is a demand of charity that we respect other beliefs even though we do not accept them. We need to get peole to listen to the teaching of Jesus as expressed by the Church by forming personal relationships by reaching out to others with love and understanding. We have forgotten how to evangelize. We need to be helping the woman contemplating an abortion or other issues by finding out the problem of the woman seeking an abortion. We, as Church, need to effectively present its message and not resorting to passing laws. But, is anyone listening to anything besides themselves and a black and white answer-period.

                I share this insight because I read in the National Catholic Reporter and article “Wiegel see (Cardinal) Bernardin behind vote: But bishops’ lack authority traced to scandal” by Eugene Kennedy. He writes that George Weigel blamed the late cardinal Joseph Bernardin for the fact that Al Gore won the Catholic vote by 50 percent to 47 percent over Bush. However, “no survey to back this up,” Wiegel writes that “my hunch is that the ‘seamless garment’ framework promoted by the late Cardinal Joseph Bernadine of Chicago was at work here.” It is this ‘seamless garment,’ he contends, that has done all the damage during the past 15 years. …Kennedy writes “The real damage came from the crisis of priest pedophile that exploded in 1985 and is yet to be fully acknowledged or understood by the nation’s bishops. It is an eve greater scandal because the bishops have not forged a national policy to deal with this unhealed wound in Catholic life….Should he bishops be surprised that their growing emphasis on abortion as an all-or-nothing issue can never ring true until they rediscover a consistent ethic in dealing with the true nightmare issue of the last 15 years-clergy sexual abuse?”6

                The article that I mention here is seeing someone like Kennedy going after the bishops in print. Even when he wrote in this article “If you want a reason for Catholics withdrawing their confidence in Episcopal authority, it found in the bishops moral failure with this sexual (abuse) crisis.”7 I have my ears and feet on the street as a priest. This type of statement is far from what the parishioners have, in general, towards the bishops. What I sense many times are that there are comments of people with agendas with the Catholic Church or need something to justify their non-participation. I never heard or read anybody leaving the Church because of my allegations or stopping donations or anything. Whenever I get a media report, I initially react to what the question is posed and talking to whom in an article...  I don’t say it is to an issue, but not at the level the media or even the bishops themselves play-out. As I said, it depends who is talking and when. In addition is the issue of “repress memory” issue that I believe is being played by lawyers and media and even some doctors. A lot, I believe, has to do with lawsuits. Even the Cartoon-Doonesbury, in the latest printing, mentioned “No. No. I’m just thinking lawsuit.”8 It is part of the culture.  

January 29, 2001

                This latest development has the Boston scene having alleged victims of defrocked priest John. J. Georghan sexually abused them as children are able to sue now Cardinal Law for letting the priest work after allegedly learning in 1984 that he molested several boys, a Suffolk (Massachusetts) judge has ruled. According to Judge James McHugh approved a motion to add the cardinal as a defendant in 24 out of 84 lawsuits pending against Georghan and five bishops. The atmosphere has Cardinal Law, had previously said that the charges against Geoghan sickened him but he maintained the church acted “as responsible as we can. Were we able to put ourselves back 10, 20, 30 years, would we be able, with the knowledge we have now, to do things differently? Of course we would.”9 

February 2, 2001

                I was reading the morning newspaper and the Doonesbury cartoon has two people talking over coffee: “I have to re-invent myself and yet I haven’t a clue how to go about it! Well, girlfriend, I’ve been there and there’re a few things you just have to do… Like what? We, first organize your day around ‘Oprah.’ Already done it. Give me a little credit.”10 This had me recalling a conversation with Attorney Ted Carey telling me that the two girls that allegated me that McCormick  had developed her ideas and then talked with Weber after watching the TV talk show hostess- Oprah on this theme that Doonesbury had in this February printing. As this cartoon spoke “I have to re-invent myself, and yet I haven’t a clue how to go about it!” Obviously, one can use other sources besides what really may be happening in a truer sense.

                There are times that I feel like David Janson from the TV program- The Fugitive. This program had David Janson as an actor who was falsely accused for killing his wife. He was on the run from the law being accused, but tracking down the real killers of his wife. There are days that I have this same thought and wonderment. He had something to prove.

                What I had o realize at is time was that there was a “cooperative severity” occurring with a patriarchal subjugation. I did not hear from the Bishop or anyone since 1995 connected with the Worcester Chancery. It was reality that was not what the Church was when I was ordained or I was wearing rose colored glasses. I don’t think so. 

February 4, 2001

                While I write, I have to realize that it takes courage. But, when we speak of courage, anxiety and fear are implied. I noticed that I was so scrupulous with how to say some insights I am addressing. I was able to write in the manner that I usually speak from the pulpit in preaching. Another thought I had at this time was that I would write from the perspective of having the ability of listening to people, and to feel and sense what the human experiences of that person or situation.  I felt that this was a very positive factor in my personhood.  

February 13- February 27, 2001

                I went on my annual retreat and did some visiting of friends. I had to realize that I had been caught-up in a vacuum. 

February 28, 2001

                On my return I read on the internet of Catholic News- Wollongong (Australia) priest wins appeal to Rome over suspension. You don’t read about this happen in in the United States. It was reported by The Sydney Morning Herald that the Vatican has overruled its Australian bishops by ordering the reinstatement to pastoral duties of a Wollongong priest whose conviction for molesting a former altar boy was overturned on appeal. Fr. John Nester was convicted in 1997 of having molesting the former altar boy and was sentenced to 16 months’ jail. The conviction was overturned on appeal the same year, but then bishop of Wollongong, The Most Rev. Philip Wilson, order an internal church inquiry into complaints about Fr. Nestor, advising him that “significant additional material that I have received…has bee cause of worry concerning your suitability for a further pastoral appointment in the diocese or any other.” Fr. Nestor appealed his case to Rome. “The decree, signed by the head of the Vatican Congregation for the Clergy, Cardinal Dario Castrillon-Hoyos, orders Fr. Nester to be restored immediately to the full exercise of his priestly ministry in Wollongong and call for restitution of what he was deprived of in being asked to stand aside. The Congregation notes that Fr. Nestor had been exonerated by the civil judicial system and that there was no evidence of any accusation against him that had been verified by recognizable legal means.”11 

March 1, 2001

                I get back to writing and realize “for what I have written, I have written.” Wasn’t it Pontius Pilot that said that? Well, it gets me reflecting and writing in my daily journal with a spin of research of printed materials. I had this reseeding thought in a cynical way about religion being either a playful irony or being completely dismissive. There is that recurring thought to have a complete chapter: Tinker Bell and Pixy Dusting: Priest style of Gas Station Sacraments. It does get more interesting when there is a challenge taken on all involved being as parents, priest and Church Staff. But, the game goes on of having the ceremony and out everyone goes. Even the professional people connected with this undertaking. There is the resounding message of speaking a language of giving, but speak rarity of taking. Now, these revealing insights have me back at my daily journal. 

March 2, 2001

                I’m reading about Fr. Donald B. Cozzens, whose recent book is The Changing Face of the Priesthood: a Reflection of the Priest’s Crisis of Soul had resigned as president-rector of St. Mark Seminary and Graduate School of theology in Wickliffe, Ohio. An interesting quote in relation to what I experienced was how he speaks candidly about priest and his conviction “that the priesthood is at the edge of anew day following a painful yet purifying dark night.”12

                What has my eyes open whenever reading or hearing about something of a “dark night” issue is what I have written about in the “dragnet going through the water?” One must not forget that the hierarchy used certain occasions to “purify” their work. What we don’t hear or read about that there is the element of “enlightenment” that is not related to what is, actually, going on in the Catholic Church. Personalities overcame principles. The issue of power and authority is not even mention. But, it is so that at times in the Church that it is not until many years later that another version or side of the side will become know. I know one major factor at my ordination in 1970 was that I thought one thing and it was far from what reality had to be in a rectory. I was not wise about the psychology of existing “systems’ and “institutions” of that age. It was that I was wearing rose colored glasses. 

March 9, 2001

                I found an article by John Thavis- Vatican Letter: “Light in darkness: Investigated theologian finds solace in diary.” This article was about Father Jacques Dupuis. The article state “In the darkest movements of this lengthy investigation by the Vatican, Jesuit Father Dupuis said he found solace reading the 50-year-old diary of a French theologian. The theologian was Father Yves Congar, A Dominican censured by the Vatican’s Holy Office and forced to keep silent for several years before his ‘rehabilitation’ in 1960 and his return to church favor…As he was fighting his quiet battle with the Vatican, Father Dupuis hear that the late Father Congar’s diary had been published and went to pick up a copy. It detailed a long-running dispute with the Holy Office. ‘It was such a concrete book for me, in my situation. I found in Father Congar’s text what I was feeling personally. He says it far better than I could, but I can truly say I experienced the same thing,’ Father Dupuis said. The diary, “Journal d’un Theologian” (“A Theologian’s Journal”) offers a glimpse at the anguish experienced by a church-man who felt betrayed by the method of the hierarchy. Father Congar pulled no punches in this private account.”13

                I possibly thought by reading such a work, it might give me some different insights in my present situation. It, however, was a complete different matter. It was related to the four letter word- sex. When one gets near that, it is a completely different world with Church authority. It, eve, played immediately with Bishop Harrington with “You’re guilty till proven innocent.” It was interesting reading this in regards of journal writers and other people’s insights.  

March 14, 2001

                I finished reading Cardinal Ratzinger: the Vatican Enforcer of the Faith by John J. Allen, Jr. This book was published in2000 about Cardinal Ratzinger- Prefect of the Holy Office in Rome.

                I struggled reading this book but it did take me from my seminary years up to today which is some 40 years of the Church climate in a worldly view. John Allen was the Rome correspondent for the National Catholic Reporter in which he drew me from the Vatican II document- Guadem et Spes (The Pastoral Constitution of the Church in the Modern World) in that we are part of the world and not today’s official pronouncements being “sings of contradiction.” I accepted and was ordained to a Church that claimed “joy, hop, grief, and anguish f of humanity forming its central concern and now, at the same time be governed by men who see the catacombs as the proper dwelling place.” Ratzinger used the image of a “mustard seed” to express the Church. But, the papacy and he have consistently worked to reset a theological wedge between the Church and the world that Gaudem et Spes introduced and now are ready to remove it. One see this in the reports on the breed of seminarians who don barrettes and bishops more concerned with the placement of the tabernacle into the center of a Church’s main altar. This work brought out, against for me the Incarnation and Resurrection, which I have always believed and was taught in the seminary, in the context of the Passion of Christ. This would bring out the question: What would Jesus do? 14

This, however, reinforced in me of who I am. I am and would remain a Roman Catholic because of I do from within the kononia (community). I believe that I have to acculturate to the Church because there are aggravated parities that may be satisfied by breaking with the climb of renewal. My faith continues to be in the Roman Catholic Kononia (Community). I make this judgment with inconvenience and discomfort in order to reawaken my “tool box” (gifts/talents) It is my Paschal Mystery. There is at this time in this Church the struggle of the current papacy stressing a theology in which faith is supposed to be expressed in the transcendental against a faith of the assembly. I have to state that I have been and am a disciple of the assembly model (People of God). God is working through each of us through the power of the Holy Spirit. 

March 18, 2001

                I was thinking about my writing. It was somewhat like Andy Rooney does on CBS- 60 Minutes program where he gives his commentary on relevant topics. It was somewhat what I did in the parish in my daily homilies at weekday Masses. It was an enlighten person in self-discovery and change in a daily manner of life in general. This was what I was finding with my journal writing. However, I never expected to substitute for Andy Rooney.  

March 23, 2001

                The Bridgeport (Conn.) Diocese settled sex abuse claims. The Catholic News Service reported that Msgr. Gronkiewicz “said most of the alleged incidents of abuse occurred in the 1970s.”15 Whenever I see this I realize there is a pattern by Chanceries and lawyers having these dates. By the way, let’s not forget that this was (1970s) when my two alleged allegations would have taken place.

                The same story was carried by the National Catholic Reporter who reported “The confidential agreement stemmed from more than 20 lawsuits filed by people who claimed they were sexually victimized by priests over a 30-year period beginning in the 1960s. The Bridgeport diocese sought to hide the abuse by moving priests to different parishes, lawyers for the victims claimed.”16.

                I pray and hope that I will live long enough to be around when someone does a professional research paper on how the 1970s and 20 0r 30 years later issues are addressed in the courts or outside the courts in money settlements due to a certain pattern of “recall memory” or even having an agenda against the Church or priest in general. Possibly some researcher will investigate the “supposed victims” and their possible agendas with lawyers and media. I don’t say that there have not been “victims” as such. There are victims of priest abuse. But, cases as myself and many other priest and church laypeople, there are other stories to proven differently. I pray for those real victims that God’s grace will be upon them and that they have a healing experience and strength of the faith community in their lives.  

March 29, 2001

                Five years ago, the Rev. James Hiles sued the Episcopal Diocese of Massachusetts for libel and slander after he was suspended for alleged sexual misconduct. A civil court dismissed portion so the suit, saying only an ecclesiastical court had jurisdiction to decide church disputes, not a secular court But the Massachusetts Appeals Court reversed that ruling and sent portion of the case back to superior Court.

                “In a partial victory  for a removed Episcopal priest, the State Appeals Court ruled that he should be allowed to sue the heads of the diocese for allegedly conspiring to vilify him…However, the judges wrote, misconduct such as slander ‘is to necessarily beyond the reach of civil courts merely because such conduct occurs in a religious context.”17

                Now, how does that stand with Bishop Rueger calling me “odd” in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette in 1995? But, we priest were reminded time in and time out that a priest is not able to sue the bishop (Canon Law).  

April 6, 2001

                The Catholic Free Press had an article about the Vianney House for Retired Clergy. This is something that I wonder about. This would take someone like I that wanted to live alone have to go to such living conditions. It sounds good: “Each apartment at Vianney House features a living room, bedroom, kitchenette and bathroom. A small evaluator transports the residents to several common rooms in the three-floor complex. These include: the chapel, laundry room, dinning room and a recreation room, which houses a television, pool table and treadmill.”18 Sound good? I and a number of other clergy that I speak with, drop the topic when anyone talks about it. What is important to realize is that diocesan clergy are not religious order clergy. Diocesan priest are individual orientated in comparison to religious order priest in that we are not community living orientated. So to come and live in community as the Vianney House is in playing in my mind. However, rectory living was at times in days of old with pastor and housekeeper structure.  The housekeeper was the eyes and ears of the pastor and she would bang the pots and pans, answer the telephone, front door and watch what you brought into the rectory.  It would be the old way of people watching when you came in, asked what you had in a bag you were carrying? Sorry, I thought those days were over with. But, the newspaper glorifies it for the annual Bishop’s Fund.

                While visiting the Trappist Monastery Bookstore in Spencer, Massachusetts, I spoke with a diocesan priest that was a pastor. The conversation was on his part where he said that they (Chancery or small group of parishioners) still didn’t get his out of his Pastorship. He said that he is on fur diocesan committees and knows nothing on what is going on in policies of the Chancery or Diocese. There is besides the “special group” of clergy another element of priest that is “full of them.” These clergy supposedly know more of what is happening in the chancery than the chancery knows. In addition, they spread rumors very appropriately in the clergy network. But, I have to say that one of the biggest couplets of spreading stories was Bishop Harrington as auxiliary bishop and then becoming the Ordinary of the Diocese especially at Confirmation ceremonies. He had his certain group of “buddies” that were in on the talk line. In addition the priest at the Trappist bookstore continued on to say that Bishop Reilly runs everything and everyone keeps his or her talk very private. The style seems to be secrecy on chancery employees. Things are run only by the Bishop and no one knows or talks (gossips) about anything. This is very hard to believe in that for so many years there was such lose talk on the Chancery people and certain groups of priests that we priest lived in a fish-bowl ministry. I was very happy to hear this guy saying this. This must have certain priest very upset in not having the story before the media. This brings to mind Oscar Wild quote: “One can survive everything…and live except a good reputation.” Boy, try to survive a good reputation in the clergy atmosphere was beyond possibility. In addition I heard recently that newspaper and media reporter or program host will keep asking questions until they get what the want. This was how I felt with Harrington’s Chancery Gang and what they did to me besides their techniques.

March 17, 2001

                The priest of Worcester Diocese made the newspaper with Kathleen A. Shaw of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette reporting “Worcester hosting priest convention: Meeting will have an interfaith start.” She reported: “The convention will formally open at 7 p.m. Monday at Wesley United Methodist Church, 114 Main St., with an interfaith ceremony. The Rev. Barbara W. Meritt, senior pastor of First Unitarian Church, will address the convention, and said that she may be the first woman cleric to do so.”19 The convention was annual National Federation of Priest Council and Worcester priest hosted this year’s event. Thee were over 270 priest registered to attend from all parts of the country, Canada, and Great Brittan. What was peculiar that the few clergy I know, none attended. Obviously, I tried reading anything I was able to find about it. My eyes did open with one workshop where one was on “When You’re Left to pick up the Pieces: Internal and External Dynamics in the Aftermath of Scandal.”

                I know I would have participated for the mission of this Federation is for priest to have a voice. I knew one priest in the Diocese that was in my Deanery who would not be identified because he was more concerned with his “red rash” syndrome. He, always, was political with the Bishop and Chancery. Even Bishop Reilly addressed this gathering. But, this one priest and others have their own nationality group and find a Federation of Priest as a treat to their group. It is something to watch. 

March 19, 2001

                The Catholic Telecommunications (CT) carried the story” “Vatican Views British church hardliner on pedophile as test case.” The article  stated” “Vatican officials have welcomed British is Cardinal Cormac-O’Connor’s ‘courageous initiative’ in setting up a review on the problem of pedophile priest, adding that it could become a model for other Catholic authorities seeking to address ‘this grave issue.’ Last month the Vatican said it was already monitoring the problem of sexual abuse by priests, including pedophile and the rape of nuns. This came after a report by senior members of female religious congregations testifying to hundreds of cases in which Catholic male clergy had ‘exploited their financial and spiritual authority to gain sexual favors from religious women.’ “20

                This information about religious sister has been in the media especially stories of nuns in Africa. But, this was the first time that I have seen this combined with pedophile. 

April 20, 2001

                The Worcester Telegram & Gazette and the priesthood had an interesting jostling that went on for a week of days. It began with an article on April 20^th by Jim Dempsey, a columnist for the city paper with “Convention may mask mischief: Will cigarette-puffing altar boys be next?” Dempsey wrote: “Brace you for the invasion, Worcester. It’s going to be ugly. The Gang in Black is coming. They’ll be streaming into thrown today by the hundreds, dressed in their’ colors’ hanging around in groups and speaking their own strange sub-group jargon. No doubt they’ll  compare notes about their various ‘chapter,’ talk about how things are going back on their own turf and then do a little ‘socializing.’ God save us all. No, I’m not talking about the upcoming visit of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle enthusiastic. I know that the coming of those feared Harley fancies has put a twist in everyone’s panties, but the truth is that your basic hog rider these days is rarely a hell-raising Hell’ Angel. ..Nor am I talking about an invasion by the maniacal fans of some mediocre rock band. Worcester solved that problem years ago by all but banning The Grateful Dead….No, I’m talking about a group of men who dress exclusively in black, not unlike those paleface kids who call themselves Goths, and whose hero is a convicted criminal who received the death penalty. The Priests.  They’re coming today for a whole week. Nearly 300 of them. And what are the priests going to be up this weekend? Dempsey going on “In sort, I see nothing but grief coming out of this. They’ll inspire the locals with their trouble making ways, and when they leave we’ll have the problems of swaggering, cigarette-puffing altar boys to deal with…It will be all over soon. In the meantime don’t panic, and let’s all enjoy the business spin-off.”21

                Well, the next day, Saturday, the editor followed-up with “An apology for a satire that misfired.” Harry T. Whitin responded “Another week and another controversy over religion and free speech in the newspaper. Yesterday, the Telegram I Gazette published a column by local new columnist Jim Dempsey that prompted an immediate and angry response from many readers. The column toke satirical aim at the city of Worcester’s schizophrenic courtship of a motorcycle owners’ group that is planning a big rally and meeting in Worcester…Let’s not mince words: In my opinion, the humor failed. His column did not come across as funny or even satirical. Instead it came across as mean-spirited, anti-Catholic and crude…I take some of the blame personally. I had the opportunity to intervene in this process and kill the column or send it back for rewriting, I did not. To those who were offended, please consider this our official apology. No offense was intended, but it’s easy to see how offense could be taken.”22

                When I first read the initial article and then editors comments, I wondered what they would have been facing is if they wrote this about a Jewish group or say Hispanics? Satire is one issue and when you use the First Amendment to mix it in, is it a free game out here? How about the money people being addressed by this newspaper or the old guard of this community? Would people have their jobs to say the least? The questions are more interesting to ask. In print Dempsey did say he used to be an altar boy. I wondered what his real agenda was in writing such a “satire”. As for the editor, one has to know the history of this city paper and the overall perspectives they basically have printed.

                Well, by the middle of the week, we get from Worcester Telegram & Gazette “Journalist bids adieu to column: ‘Danger’ of satire clear in piece on priests.” Dempsey wrote his final column stating “So this is my last column for the Telegram & Gazette. I hope to be going back to the world of reporting, where I won’t have to worry about voicing my opinions or occasionally being provocative. Exactly what I mgt be covering, I don’t know. But I’ve got an idea it won’t be religion.”23 Now who says that writing from the “world of reporting” is not his opinion? How objective would he be reporting to have us read “fake” news?

                They’re not done with this that is the Worcester Telegram & Gazette. The next day Dianne Williams, a columnist for this same paper gives us “Apology missed its mark: Mr. Dempsey’ fans voice heir support.” She stated in this column one response “‘A Newspaper shouldn’t recoil in horror every time people get offended.’ Bravo caller. And bravo to every reader who understands that no one has the constitutional right to be protected from offense-especially when the alleged offense is generated by a satirical opinion column.”24

                Williamson had some interesting columns on the same group of people that Dempsey used “satirical” writing. It gets interesting when different people use constitutional rights as an n bases for their positions.  The lines get very blurry. These columnist need to be edited for spelling and grammar, accuracy, cogency of argument, crispness of thought and overall taste. Some columnists just don’t get it.

                Yet, I have to live in this diocese where they have unofficially “ordered” me to “retire” by saying “We’ll get back to you.” Then as now hear nothing. 

April 22, 2001

This Sunday I get not phone call or invited by anyone to visit. It does get to me at times such as this day. So, I became busy by reading my folder of articles that I had in my “save basket.’ I had been doing special writings on “Liturgical Catechesis” in my “Blue Book” folder. This was weekly reflections on the liturgy from an R.C.I.A. format in a parish setting. I was accumulating a large bind of these “blue books.” When I get my creative juices going, time disappears. 

April 26, 2001

                I was reading how Catholic theologians contend that the process of investigation by the Vatican on their writings is overly secretive, lacking dues process and presumed guilty which gives scholars little opportunity to defend themselves. This was all conducted by Cardinal Ratzinger of the Congregation of the Faith in Rome. Oh? I don’t consider myself a scholar but this is the same reaction that I have in my particulars dealing with Bishop Harrington who three at me verbally: “You’re guilty till proven innocent.” Then I had to have to hear from Fr. Stephen Pedone, who is now, Msgr. Pedone: “We have other things on you, Ted!” this was the time that he stuck his finger into my chest on my departure from the temporary Chancery at the Sisters of Notre Dame Mother Huse. This was indication of the times and atmosphere of the authority operating. Church History has volumes of such stories. This was not the atmosphere of the Second Vatican Council but a post-period. A priest rights were no existent, again.  

May 1, 2001

                I read on the internet this morning “TV documentary claims ‘clues of gay priests’ dividing Church.” The article reported: “The growing number of homosexual men trading for the Catholic priesthood is creating ‘divisive cliques” of gay and straight students, according to the rector of an English seminary.  A documentary screening on Britain’s Channel 4 titled Queer and Catholic claims that there are many practicing homosexuals in similarities who conceal their sexuality. Fr. Kevin Haggerty of St. John’s Seminary in Surrey told the program that sub-cultures and a danger in seminaries. He said” ‘they are inappropriate for the priesthood and contrary to the openness required for a priest.’ Speaking to the press, he said: “I don’t think we can avoid the issue any more. A lot of people’s gut reactions to this issue are not rational. They immediately think of the risk of abuse of children. The problem for the Church is one of perception. Homosexuality is not a problem in itself; the important point is the sexual maturity of the priests.’ Fr. Haggerty said the Church had introduced psychological assessments for all candidates in which they were asked about their sexuality. ‘What we want to find out is whether they are able to make free, moral decisions about their lifestyle.’ Suggesting the program is unhelpful, the Catholic Media Office (Britain) said: ‘It an issue which seminary rectors are talking about.’” Another reflection I had in that this program or any program as such never was seen or produced in the United States.

                These tests I found were being implemented when I was approaching ordination. What I thought about reading this article was my experience for 39 years (8 years seminary and 31 ordained). So, those tests had never taken in account candidates resolve, character and toughness. I wondered always about the system of the seminary and when you were ordained and assigned as a “curate.” I had the expression throw at me by a Monsignor Chalwek that he would have trained-after ordination- to be a “good priest.” This was what I learned after a few years in the seminary, an over-up on the part of the authority and seminary facility. I always wondered about a “cover-up” because of the seminary authorities that were making the decision for a guy to be ordained. What about those seminary authorities and their sexual orientation? It was very popular at the time while I was in the seminary of the term “fruits” and “The Boys-in-the-Band” being in concert. It was not talked about very much. But, it was there.

                So, when I read about “Searching for Stability” in The Priest by Father Thomas J. McDonnell, a priest of the Archdiocese of Boston with a doctorate in theology from the Gregorian University in Rome and now pastor in South Boston, Mass., I find a "smokescreen." He begins the article referring to Father Donald Cozzens’ work, The Changing Face of the Priesthood as “discouraging.” He continues “Moreover, his projection about the future of the priesthood in America is equally disheartening. But I do no believe that what he now claims o be true necessarily must unfold in the future. It is his tone of almost resigned inevitability about a future priesthood populated by a disproportionate number of men with a homosexual orientation which cause concerned and results in the following reflection. Father Cozzens is correct in noting that there is a ‘crisis’ concerning the priesthood and priestly identity today. He uses his knowledge of contemporary psychology and sociology to shed light upon the situation. But there is a lack of an overall theology and spiritual framework against which his data should be measured. And as Philip Rief points out in his Triumph of the Therapeutic, the therapeutic thrust of our culture leads to supremacy of self-determination as the ideal. Rationality, (our own reasoned insights) becomes autonomous. I believe Father Cozzens often unconsciously reflects such in his book.” Then the article continues “Although in a reflection as this (we cannot deny his valid points), we would point out that the major defect of his work is to be found in the lack of a spiritual and theological frame of reference such as is found in Pope John Paul II’s…. Clearly, we are in the realm of mystery and transcendence…As I approach my 40^th anniversary as a priest, I find myself reflecting on this demanding but beautiful life I have come to love. I know that the priest search for reasons why they have become and remain priests. They will find such reasons if they are open to the mystery of vocation and to the true nature of priestly identity. They will not find it in this book.”26

                I was waiting to read a review that would challenge Cozzen’s work. This is where; I also, react to terms as “mystery” and “transcendence” because I heard this while in the seminary. But, one ordained and in the parish, the issue was authority and power- a very sudden cultural prospective. There is the status element of clerical versus laity. There is a very distinct factor in the Church as shown by Canon Law. One only has to try to compare in this Canon Law the rights of the laity. It is an eye opening undertaking even with the newly revised Church Canon Law of the 1980’s.

                I have issue and have had issue with the system. So, the gay seminarians and gay priest were a factor that I found ways to function with, but how they and a certain other “elitist” element were and do cause anxiety. The issue was somewhat resolved for me in being a priest due to the renewal especially in our Easter liturgical celebrations of annual renewing of our baptismal vows- clergy and laity.

                But, this anxiety had me realizing by reading at this time that it was an ongoing issue with me. Newsweek has a special section at this time entitled” “Anxiety Disorders Update” by Jeffrey Paul Kahn, M.D. He explains “When people feel ordinary anxiety, they are usually thinking about something bad that has happened- or could happen. Those thoughts seem to offer reason enough for the anxiety. But some times nervousness last a long time, becomes overwhelming or starts to affect daily activities and relationships. At that point, it’s time to think about whether an anxiety disorder is part of the cause.”27

                One factor for me at this time was that I had no idea of what was happening with me, my priesthood and personhood due to the allegations (never proven) and the Worcester Diocese. I was isolated and felt at times like a leper. The Diocese “shelved” me. I, however, maintained some dignity and I worked my AA program, exercised, studies, researched and wrote in a discovery challenge. No, I did not take any medication and resisted any thought of that direction. I did this, at one time with alcohol. I learned that life was that dimension of being who I am in aware that I had the ability to be me. I felt at times of being on a roller coaster of watching the mail, checking my phone messages and any knocks on my door. This surfaced at times. But, I made sure that I instituted my “game plan” of quiet reflection in prayer and telling myself “Knock it off.” It works and is working. This is where I am able to go deep inside my heart when I become anxious. This makes me realize that the tools that I have been given to me from my life journey and realizing that it is not me alone- God is there- that I find myself sleeping well at night. 

May 5, 2001

                The British publication The Tablet carried, today, an article “gays in the priesthood” by Mark Dowd.  He writes: “Thee has been an influx of homosexuals into the Catholic priesthood. This taboo subject is to be expired in a Channel4 film today. Its presenter, a former Dominican friar, thinks the phenomenon demands a revision of Catholic teach. ‘Homosexuality is a time-bomb ticking in the Church and I think it could explode very soon.’ These aren’t the word of the gay-rights campaigner Peter Tatchell, nor of some trendy sociologist, but of St. Jeannine Gramick, the School Sister of Notre Dame who has refused to obey the Vatican’s silencing order on this most taboo of all subjects. What does she mean and is she right?” Time to put some cards on the table. I am a gay Catholic and former Dominican Friar.  I’ve always been intrigued by the conundrum of why a Church that describes the homosexual orientation as ‘a strong tendency towards an intrinsic moral evil’ should have so many gay men units ranks.” Dowd continues on He (Fr. James Overton- rector of All Hall) told me that ‘a reasonable proportion’ of men in seminary life are gay and warns of the dangers of students dividing into cliques along gay or straight lines. Does all this really matter? ‘Celibacy makes equals of us all’, is the common refrain. Yes, it does matter in my opinion and here is why. First, it is not in the wider Church’s interest to have a large number of its priests being described as ‘objectively disordered’ by the teaching authority. It flies directly in the face of much of the common-sense teaching that the Pope evoked in his encyclical on priest formation Pastores Dabo Vobis, in the early 1990s, which emphasized an acceptance of all the priest’s complex psychological make-up and humanity. Instead, present doctrine leaves while swaths of the clergy feeling second-rate and flawed. Those who are concerned about the disproportionate numbers of gay men in priestly life need look no further than the heady cocktail of the Vatican’s hostile language on the matter and the celibacy law for an explanation.” Dowd continues on in the article to question Rome: “The option that Rome should take seems to me clear-cut: come clean and attempt an intelligent theological explanation of the phenomenon. Explain why God might want to priestly serve a number of ‘objectively disordered’ men which is out of al proportion to the numbers of gay in society.  Or if that does not suit, then have a re-think.” Perhaps the gay orientation is to ‘disordered’ after all, and if it isn’t, then I am not the only homosexual Catholic waiting to see how my Church can fashion a way forward….”28

                This is the year 2001. One has to figure why this, besides the sex abuse crisis in the Church, has such writing and speakers questioning Rome and what is next. Silence or is this the “dragnet going through the water”? 

May 6, 2001

                Sunday’s I find somewhat to deal with because of not celebrating Mass in a faith community and what we used at St. Edwards on Easter…”Sunday is coming” litany. But, there are certain time that I get on my knees in a Prayer of Thanksgivings for being saved from God’s people who relish in criticism, back-stabbing and other gossip language. I know this is strong language but after eight year in the “cave” and a feeding frenzy, questions go unanswered. Why did the Church Hierarchy like Bishop Harrington with Bishop Rueger appoint themselves prosecutors, judges, and executioners in the case of Fr. Thaddeus J. Kardas? Just thinking. 

May 9, 2001

                Here is an eye opener. The local newspaper carried this story: “Study says gays can change- Telephone interviews conducted on straight converts” It reports: New Orleans- An explosive new study says some highly motivated gay people can turn straight. That conclusion clashes with that of major mental health organization, which says that sexual orientation is fixed and that so-called reparative therapy may actually be harmful. Gay rights activists attacked the study, and an academic critic noted that many of the 200 ‘ex-gays’ who participated were referred by religious groups that condemn homosexuality. Dr. Robert >Spitzer, a psychiatry professor at Columbia University who let the study, said he cannot estimate what percentage of highly motivated gay people can change their sexual orientation. But he said the research ‘shows some people can change from gay to straight and we ought to acknowledge that.’”29

                This was the only article that I read or found on this subject. Again, the silence is deafening. Next! 

May 11, 2001

                One of my regular routines is reading newspapers and focusing on the editorials and letters-to-the-editor. It is another avenue to be aware of opinions and insights of others on preeminent topics.

                One such letter was in the National Catholic Reporter from Richard Hickman of Bend. Oregon who wrote: “Uncontrolled authority will almost always lead to some form of abuse, be it sexual, financial and in policies. I see our church in dire need of more honesty and better control. These things that are going on hurt all of our clergy and the church. As a lifetime practicing Catholic, having been taught “thou shall not lie,” I do not see our bishops admitting to the truth of the sexual abuse going on in our church. Nor are they admitting to the great shortage of priests, or the overspending of money on new structures or buildings. These are the things that we, as lay Catholics, also see as abuse.”30

                Reading something like this has the realization that “abuse” is related to many issues in our present society. It seems as the in word. Yet, the authority dimension is questioned in many ways. But, there is the phrase of one-thirds: One-third love what is going on in the church, one- third hate what is going on, and one-third ask “what?” There is another pertinent character of American that fits into American Catholics which is: They have short memory. But, editorials and letters-to-the-editor do give different viewpoints to make one wonder of many accepted formulas. 

May 14, 2001

                I went for dinner with the present pastor of St. Edward’s at a Chinese restaurant. This guy was something of his own. He had answers to questions not even asked syndrome. He was very quick on having the sound bites for today’s communication. But, you are able to read this guy and his agenda so easily.

                We sat to eat and he began. He told me that he wanted to “normalize my situation.” This had me open my eyes because I was not sure if he might have set-up by the Diocese to probe me. It then donned on me that he was on his own agenda... He said that would help me with the bishop. Oh? This priest was showing me that he thought he was great in his own mind. He did say that priest “are, only humping down and doing nothing.” He kept saying to me that he “knew canon Law.” This was over and over, again statement to me. He then said that he wanted me part of the St. Edward’s 25^th Anniversary celebration in 2002. He told me that I renovated the church building and built the parish center. Then, I stated thinking how this guy was the old wolf in sheep clothing. It was an interesting strategy on his part that he would tell parishioners if they asked him about me that he was wiling to have me come but it seemed that I did not cooperate. What the real situation was that it was in the bishop’s hands totally. Nothing happened. It was, again, one of those situations where one is dammed if you do, dam if you don’t. This meal with this priest was exhausting and I was more than happy to get in my car and return to my “cave.” My God! My God! This was my same experience exactly in my only other meeting with this guy. I was so pleased to return to my place- the cave.  

May 23, 2001

                This was my 31^st Anniversary of Ordination. What I view this anniversary journey is that my belief in God has become stronger than ever and that there is a calling give to me to be in “the cave” that I presently have as my residency. I write this memoir as I undertake research and writing being the next step in my vocation. , Consequently after much prayer, reflection, and consultation with others that it has formed me even more to Jesus Christ. Thaddeus J. Kardas may have slipped-off the radar screen. Why may be a constant question? Well, know something about your bishop and be around when the “dragnet is going through the water” has results predictable.  Another factor has to be exemplified in that the media has shaped the two women that allegated me to shape their stories to make me look guilty because of the wealth of confusing memories. An atomic bomb hit me in 1993 which preceded the Navy’s Tail Hook scandal in Los Vegas. It had become very quiet in that I hear nothing. Even Bob’s (O’Brien) Hot Dog man told me of late the he hear “nothing about clergy talk.”

                What I have views at this stage of my ministry has been value has been multiplied in my personhood. But the area of intelligence, comprehensiveness, and challenging is not being played out especially in the academic freedom sphere of ministry. Freedom of inquiry, the pursuit of truth, and care for other through teaching, servile, and scholarship has been diminished in the circles that I travel. Question for self-understanding, functioning has been replaced with answers to questions that are not even being asked.

                So by means of ideas, we see the world in not being less free but more free for being a Catholic and a priest. Religion has value and moves into surroundings that are permeated with hope. So, when sudden expressions for respect and even fear of the unknown have me reaching in side myself with a reliance on faith. Anyone who does not understand the importance of religion in human history is missing a powerful ingredient of being human.

                These are random ideas that have me realizing that “The challenge is now.” I continue with my dial Eucharist (Mass), saying the Divine Office (Breviary), theological studies and reading to remain updated and writing. This is to empower my experiences which constitute a continuous personal relationship what Jesus Christ and God, the Father.

                This same day I read and article in American (Jesuit weekly publication) the article “As God Intended: Reflections on being away student at a Jesuit high school.” The author, William D. Glenn wrote “So instead (one perfect thing to say) I decided to tell them who I am, a bit of my sex experience, some of what I have learned, and how I believe it is possible for them  to serve all of their student better-particularly the gay student-at Prep.” He explains “Though I have since ‘botched up’ pretty well, I was a sissy and Prep was to place for sissies. I lived in constant fear that I would be exposed and dread that I would be discovered as a despised thing, whose name I did not know but whose negative effects I could see and feel all around me, only deep inside me. And my faith deepened: I encountered Jesus in a profound way and was introduced to rudimentary Ignation wisdom, that incomparable combination of spirituality and psychological grounded understanding and intuition friendship. And I made my first forays into critical thinking. But Prep was a difficult place for a gay boy. At the time, Prep strongly supported the values of the dominate culture, values anathema to the development of persons, values particularly suited to molding boys into narrow and constricted young men….What I acquired at Prep were the messages proffered by the dominate culture. During puberty’s final onslaught I came to believe that I was evil. And more: that I was sick, sinful and unacceptable in the eyes of the world….They (God and Jesus) had abandoned me to despair because the person I had become could effect no change, could not desists from either my feelings or my desires, no matter how hard I fought them or prayed to be delivered from them. In the end, I was utterly alone.”31

                Well, what about me writing an article “Reflections on being heterosexual student/priest in the Church.” It would have me reveal the issue of the struggle of ministering and wondering because of “those certain eyes” watching for me to make mistakes or not to form. In addition, there was the wonderment of what is wrong with me in that I was not interested as the “special select group” had in get together, days-off and vacations. There was the constant questioning of whom do you hang around with, where you went, and then silence for your next comment. By the way, this was not my parents, which are deceased. This was the clerical group that formed the rectory and peer workers. Then, there was the gossip mill and whispering campaigns that were a constant under towing. The gossip industry had become so pervasive and ruthless that was difficult to break through with a distinctive voice. It was a very critical time of questioning: What is wrong with me? Nothing was wrong. I was not of a “special select group” not in an authority position being only a “curate.” Then, after my experience with alcohol, I took October 21, 1977 as my anniversary date to be me. I did develop that what I was living and organizational make-up of my ministry was going at my individual personhood. I drew a line in the sand approach by prayer, study and a few good people. I answered my renewal each year in the Church calendar year of annual Chrism Mass and Holy Thursday. It became very interesting ministering. A number of people became very upset with me and my personhood. I re-discovered my creativity and talents for the sake of the Church that I was ordained with in a renewal spirit of the Second Vatican Council and not a limited interpretation of life.

                You were not a question of my sexuality at stake, but how to survive in this atmosphere where one had to live with these twenty-five hours a day- one hour for lunch. This was where I would find any excuse to get out of the rectory to do pastoral work. One had not to forget, that the rectory was the pastor’s house and the staff of secretary and housekeeper were the pastor’s “spies.” The curate was always monitored and information updates were part of a whispering campaign. This was not a totally paranoid insight because there were times that I planted a comment to the staff and waited for it to come back at me by the pastor.  They did. As I said, this was twenty-five hours a day. Now, that is something to wonder about in what type of ‘system’ was this ministry being carried out.  

May 25, 2001

                I have mentioned that reading letters-to-the editor gives me insights of so many other opinions besides finding stories of explaining what I am experiencing.

                Here is a letter I give in whole: The many chilling stories of sexed abuse by priests prompt me to speak to every priest these words: “Dear Father, you are on a high wire with spotlights focused on you every moment of each day. You cannot hide from God. The example that you set well have eternal consequences. In the 21 century you cannot hide from yourself, from the congregations committed to your care or from the media. You are a public figure. The high wire existence calls you to complete intellectual and moral integrity. Disordered sexuality is a clear sing that the inner life of devotion is being neglected. The wonderful Catholic children, parents, priests, deacons and sisters require a habitual vision of Christ’s excellence in your life. Do not chat them. If you have entered the priesthood for reasons of power, privilege or because of confusion with regard to your own sexuality, please seek professional help or resign from pubic office. If you are escaping into alcohol or othe so-called ‘recreational drugs,’ you will leave a trail of disaster behind you. Please follow Christ. Be like Christ. Be kind and good mannered to all. Then you will enrich and ennoble all persons around you.” (Fr,) Henry Doherty- Alpine, Texas.32.

                This letter was printed in the National Catholic Reporter of May 25, 2001.My thoughts in reading this was that this guy had that “perfect” model because he inserts Jesus. But, let’s not forget that this same Jesus was human as each of us is. So, the Gospels story is giving us and ideal with the realization that Jesus himself acted as a human with a number of reactions that sowed his humanity and not being perfect. The part that I tried to be a priest that wanted to be known for doing exceptional work and being dependable. It was not “excellence.” But, I wonder if this priest that wrote the letter knows what being “human” entails.

                Lately reading the newspaper that carried “Doonesbury” had a cowboy hat floating in the air: “Since he’s in town, Dubya drops by Skull & Bones, his old secret Society. ‘Sorry about the recent expose, Mr. President… (Dubya) There was an expose? Of what? Our initiation ritual. This whole world now knows you were once forced to kiss a human skull. (Dubya) The whole world knows that? Yes, Sir. (Dubya) How come I didn’t know that? Well, there was a certain amount of alcohol involved?’ “33 The following day this cartoon series carried “How it goes at our alma mater, Mr. President? Fine Dick (Cheney), Fine…It was pretty sweet for ‘Mr. Stupid’ to pick up and honorary doctorate…Especially form a place that still embodies the self-importance and smuggest of the elite! Well, you showed them Mr. President! That’s Dr President!”34

                These two Doonesbury sequences had me sitting up in seeing them because of the “blackouts” and “power, privilege, and prestige” issues that had followed me through my ministry. Actually, it was somewhat good to read about too much alcohol and realize that I never had the priesthood in my life as being power, privilege and prestige. Actually, if I was not on “official” work as saying Mass or hospital calls, running program in a formal nature, I did not wear a Roman collar. I had jean and sweatshirt attire. I was comfortable but some church types were not. I guess some people expected me to always be in my black attire. I had a classmate in the seminary that constantly wore his black cassock or collar. We used to wonder even if he did so when he toke a shower? 

May 26, 2001

                The media carried this story this day: “Priest Faces charge in Internet Sex Case.” I tell you, it is going on all over the place. The letter that I included a few days ago about priest being on the high wire proves true with this. The priest, the Rev. John H. Castaldo, 42, of Stamford, Conn., was charged with “attempted dissemination on indecent material to a minor, a felony. Officials of the Diocese of Bridgeport said that Father Castaldo has been relieved of his duties as a chaplain of Trinity Catholic High School and a resident priest at St. Maurice Parish in Stamford, pending the diocese’s own investigation. The diocese was making arrangement for psychological evaluation and treatment, a spokesman said... The arrest was the 42^nd in the Internet inquiry begun tow years ago by District Attorney Jeanine F. Pirro. From April 28 to May 24, prosecutors say, Father Castaldo had a series of online conversations in which he described the sexual acts he wanted to engage in to an investigator who was posing as a boy.”35

                One thing I’ve notice with any priest story- you hear nothing more about 99% of these guys stories. Gone. Perod. It is one thing about the Church, but how the media prints a story and then nothing. But this story made Associated Press on May 30^th where “Bishop Apologies after priest’s arrest.” Bridgeport Bishop William E. Lori “apologized to high school students yesterday in response to the arrest last week of their spiritual director (Rev. John J. Castaldo) in an Internet sex sting.” The article went on to say that “In a new conference following the Mass, Lori acknowledged that student might feel betrayed over the arrest…. Counselors have been meeting with students, but no evidence has emerged of sexual misconduct at Trinity catholic, Lori said.”36

                Now the first article about Castaldo was The New York Times. This follow-up article by the Associated Press was in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette. One story here is the media’s exposure and then the bishop’s actions.                

May 27, 2001

I visited Dominic DiRusso this evening.  He and his wife, Mary, lived across the street from St. Edward’s Rectory and were very hospital towards me. I was able to walk across the street for a coffee, bite to eat or just sit and visit. They were very supportive in my parish undertakings of renewal, renovations, and construction.

                Well this time I walk into the house and Dominic is sitting with his brother and sister-in-law, Ralph and Evelyn Delmonico. This couple says me and immediately walked out of the house without saying a work. Mr. DiRusso just lifted his arms in the air as mentioning “Try to figure this out?” Well, this is the gay-Ralph that had a constant agenda against me. He had quit a personality by being very negative on life itself. He was the guy that was going up and down the main street telling people that I had seconded the parish of $40,000 when I was sent for an evaluation by the Diocese. I was not surprised by Ralph and Evelyn’s action. I did hear that someone told them that Fr. Kardas might sue them for “defamation of character” of telling this story on Main Street and that I had people that would testify on my behalf. So, I was not surprised with what happened.

                I did have this nervous feeling of being rejected and humiliated. It was a constant concern of where I was and how I would react to the different situations that I encountered. Even Mr. DiRusso has to me that Ralph and Evelyn Delmonico “despises you and what you did with the allegations against you... They don’t want you around. I recall asking Mr. DiRusso if he felt the same way. He said that would be the last thing in the world on his part and respected me for being the person I was. It was another situation on my part of a dark cloud over my head. But, this man did not impose this on me. I was very comfortable visiting any time and enjoyed his company. The Delmonico's were a complete different story in that it was not only me that they had an agenda with.

                This experience was in the evening, but in the afternoon I had lunch with a “brother” priest. The conversation was an experience of it’s own. Our discussion circled around to you guesses it- the Worcester Diocese. He told me that Bishop Reilly was holding back Msgr. Tinsley’s “gang.” Tinsley, he said would cringe when he had to send out that monthly check to “you guys” (priest on Administrative Leave). Then, he continued “we would see in a year and a half when Reilly leaves and what the next bishop does.” He reminded me, as if I forgot, how Bishop Rueger offered me to “go to computer school and be retrained and get relocated, Ted!”  He persisted “Don’t you remember, Ted, when we went out to eat after Bishop Flanagan’s Funeral Mass and you told me that story?” I told his guy that I didn’t forget the conversion. This was one time that I shared with him in confidence about Rueger and one of his phone conversations which was a he mistake. I was not sure what was going on but it is my nature to realize that with such a lunch and conversation that something else was going on with this guy and his nasty comments to me. But, this was how some priest that I knew operated in the Church but controlling and manipulation after getting “bits and pieces” on another priest. Besides, I knew this priest had a real mean streak in him. He was really acting it out this particular day. Yet, I had to add to this how I walked into the Delmonico situation after I was dropped off by this guy. Obviously, I slept by twisting, turning, and changing my pajama tops.

                Anxiety! Yet my coping skills eventually redeveloped. I had discovered the immense relief alcohol brought with it in which I was finally able to unmask and relive how constant pain of being alone in my compelling and demanding companion- fear. It never left me at all. But, I had and have accepted it and moved on with it by not allowing it to paralyze or baffle me. 

May 31, 2001

                In a newsletter I received entitled WEORC.  In a section “Bits and Pieces” writes “Justice for Priests and Deacons is a new referral program created to advise priests and deacons about their rights under canon law and to process and appeal cases. Under the direction of Fr. Michael Higgins, a San Diego canon lawyer, Justice for Priests and Deacons is a service for the many priests and deacon show are inadequately informed about their rights under canon law. If you know of any men who feel they have been treated unjustly, but didn’t pay close enough attention during their canon law classes, pass on this information; Justice for Priests and Deacons P.O Box 87225 Phone (619) 280-7500 Email: mhiggins@ utm.net.”37

                This I never contacted after Fr. Diebel worked my case. It is a wonder of what would I learn that is any different from where I am at present. It is, in plain English, being shelved. No contact on behalf of the Chancery Office. Do I want to her anything? Yes, because I need financial help for the basics. Possibly, I should undertake the route of “food stamps.” But, my pride has me reaching and holding my principles. It doesn’t make the road easier, but it makes my legs stronger. 

June 11, 2001

                I read a book review from The New York Times of a book by Bruce H. Schulman entitled The Seventies: The Great shift in American Culture, Society, and Politics. The basic theme seemed to be that it turns out that the 70’s gave birth to the America in which we live. What had me interested was that I was ordained in May 1970 and came from the 60’s with college and theology. Besides all this was for me the Second Vatican Council of 1962-1965. Therefore, I read this review and purchased this book for my personal library. The view by George Packer in the review states “Children of the 1970’s, having inherited a reflective cynicism toward authority without a care greater than recycling or a sacrifice more painful than gas lines, learned early on to feel envy, shame and resentment. The last thing anyone growing up in the 70’s imagined was that a great historical transformation was occurring. (Gave birth to the America in which we live.) In referring to the book itself, Parker states: “But after 1969 Americans entered a disturbing new world. The experiences of the postwar generation would offer little guidance.” Packer writes that Schulman “Central argument is utterly persuasive. On or about November 1968, American character changed. In the case of most of Americans of Schulman’s generation, much has been given and little asked, and it’s easy to think that nothing short of ‘the moral equivalent of war’ will snap us oust of our separate commercial trances.”38

                I knew that being ordained in 1970 that I was carrying the luggage of the Second Vatican Council of the Catholic Church. It was one thing to be in school and another to be in the parish (workplace). There was a definite tension between conservatives and liberals, right and left wingers, horizontal and vertical epigram, and even obsessive individualism. Yet, I was so immersed in the renewal and all, being young and very much inexperienced of what was really happening with the church system and the parishioners. Some priest, I would hear, say that the newly ordained were “immature.” It was a word that had my hair stand-up on the back of my head. I was in the late twenties with my classmates dieing in Vietnam and watching a patriarchal church parading in processions of what I called “Disneyland.”

                So this book by Schulman had me reading and searching for identification traits and observations of the world that I was ministering in. It was a roller-coaster ride day-in-day-out. 

June 12, 2005

                The N. Y. Post carried a front page story entitled “Priests Given Egan ‘Alert’ on Sexual Abuse.”  The article began “Edward Cardinal Egan convened a solemn meeting yesterday with several hundred of the archdiocese’s priests, to lay down the law on sexual abuse and misconduct, sources told The Post. But one of the country’s top experts in clergy sexual abuse doubts that the cardinal’s policy goes far enough.”39

                This then was followed by the same paper a few days later “Church Must ‘Police’ Priests” and  “Sex Abuse by Priests: Is Egan Doing Enough?” in addition to Catholics Telecommunication article “Irish church pay is into Gov. sex abuse” and the National Catholic Reporter coming story “African leaders vows action on clergy sex abuse.” It was as though the media board was lightning up with all of these types of stories, but the hierarchy was providing these stories.

                Then on the internet, I read the story of “Bishop sentenced for not exposing pedophile priest: A French bishop convicted of failing to alert the police to the crimes of a pedophile priest was given a suspended jail sentence last week, Alain Woodrow )Reported for the Tablet). The case of Bishop Pierre Pican of Bayeux, Normandy, is unpredicted in modern French legal history. For the first time, a bishop stood in the dock on 14 June, accused of refusing to denounce one of his priests, Fr. Rene Bissey convicted of ‘ill treating and sexually abusing minors of fewer than 15 years of age.’” The trail of a Catholic bishop acted as an electric shock in the French Catholic Church. It triggered off the discussion b y the bishops of pedophilia among priests at their annual meeting in Lourdes last November…. As the judge said in Caen, “There will be a before and an after the Pican trail.”40

                There is something to sense in reading and hearing the media of the American Bishops pushing hard on a public direction. It was as though the American hierarchy was acting as an emergency board lightning-up.

                This evening I watched the comedy movie- Crazy People. This stared Dudley Moore as a patient in treatment at a medial institution. This reminded me somewhat of Hartford’s Institute of Living and my experience. I have to remember that I was sent to the IOL for an evaluation but when I entered I was with other priest and lay people that were of every background. One feature the film did have was that the patients (clients) in this Crazy People were more brilliant and normal than other people in our society. I watched it with some humor and yet some reflection of my experience in Hartford in 1993. Oh! The movie had a locked-down institution, where I and the priest went back to the seminary at nigh and were not restricted. However, the entrance to our IOL building had a locked door that one had to be buzzed in.   

June 18, 2001

                I went out for a cup of coffee this day with Mary Ann Robuccio and her friend this evening. The discussion reverted to what Mary Ann reminded of how one Saturday afternoon after the 4 o’clock Mass at St. Edward’s after Mass in 1993, she was standing in the drive-way across the street from the church and watched with Mrs. Mary DiRusso as a white van backed-up to the rectory backdoor that removed a “blue coach” and loaded into this van and drove away. What was interesting to tie to this was the story of my secretary (Mrs. Connie Rivard) who, also, saw this van and another truck removing  furniture from the rectory after a Saturday 4 pm Mass. This truck, Connie, recognized as belonging to Dennis Cormier, who was a parishioner who was doing a lot of time in front of Church Tabernacle at that time in deep prayer.  Most likely the couch went one way and my Lazy-Boy chair and other furniture’s went by way of the parishioner’s truck.

                I asked all type of questions of church officials and never received an answer of where was my personal furniture from the rectory. I did get back my books and a number of items which included my TV which was burned-out and were moved from my quarters and stored in the attic. When I removed my items after I resigned as “Pastor,” most of my furniture pieces and select items were gone. I made a list of these items and value which totaled over $3,000.  I waited for the appropriate time to speak with the Bishop on this matter because no one knew anything. You want to bet! As I have said many times-the game goes on.

                This had me reflecting and reviewing an article oil read in the July 2001 issue of Assembly entitled “Preaching the Just Word” by Peter Robb. He observed in his portrait of Counter-Reformation Catholicism where church leaders often secured the cooperation and assent of their “subject; through a double-barreled mechanism of control[ a “culture of suspicion” that is assumed one were guilty until proven innocent, coupled with a monopoly of information which withheld what was vital to one’s defense. This, further, explains “power” by some who have it, hoard, and hold it as an “addiction.”43

June 28, 2001

                So back to the local scene we get “Priest sex assault case settled: Agreement details are not disclosed,” about “Worcester- An out-of-court settlement has been reached in a second civil lawsuit brought in connection with allegations of child sexual assault by a Roman Catholic priest.” This suit was against the Worcester Diocese and Rev. Brendon O’Donoghue. The article reported “In October 1999, a civil lawsuit filed by Edward L. Gagne of Spence alleging that he was sexually  assaulted by Rev. O’Donoghue and another priest, the Rev. Peter J.. Inzerillo, also were settled out of court.”41 

                One would have notice how the Worcester Telegram & Gazette would take a story and than link previous stories to the present story. I guess the reporter needed print space to fill his quote or whatever.  What had me reading with most interest was that this Fr. O’Donoghue was the guy that bumped me with Harrington to get St. Matthew’s parish in Northboro instead of St. Edward’s. This I have mentioned before.  Actually, this worked in my favor in the long run of do ministry of renewal and growth. The other thing was that O’Donoghue was living in luxury at the priest quarters in Shrewsbury, while I was in a studio apartment with no contact of any sort from the Worcester Chancery. I was still living on “Just go and we will get a hold of you. (1993 vintage)”

                But, a when The Catholic Free Press was published on Friday, they carried this story on page 7. The article “Lawsuit against priest settled>” It read “Judge Timothy S. Hillman dismissed the complaints against Bishops Reilly and Rueger as individuals lasts week, Atty. Reardon said. He said the court found they had no responsibility regarding any of the plaintiff’s allegations. They were not bishops in the diocese, and not supervising diocesan priest in 1962. Other than this finding in the bishops’ favor, there was never a finding of responsibility or liability on the part of anyone in the case, because it did not go to trail, Att. Reardon said.”42

                One has to remember that The Catholic Free Press is the “bishop’s paper” and the above explanation was somewhat more detaile