2000

January 1, 2000

                This is a Jubilee Year in the Church which is used as a time of prayer and penance. In Jewish history, the seventh year was the sabbatical year or the year of rest, and the fiftieth year was celebrated as a year rest and restitution, particularly a fallow year; property reverted to former owners; slaves were emancipated; and debts were remitted or suspended. Fr. John Bagley, was appointed director of the Worcester Diocese’s 50^th Anniversary, spoke with words that there will be a “new spirit of change.” This was a very positive message, especially where he was former Chancellor of the Diocese of Worcester under Bishop Harrington. It would be interesting to have a coffee with him and compare notes and hear his experiences working in the Chancery and the Worcester Diocese with Bishop Harrington and others...

This Bagley observation had me recall how my seminary classmate told me the story of his experience with Harrington and Bagley in a meeting at the Chancery. He might be the one to give the greatest living oral tradition on Bishops Harrington and George Rueger

This priest classmate told me how he was called into the Chancery by Harrington concerning a transfer. He told me how he entered Harrington’s Office, who was at that time Vicar for Clergy- announced priest transfers and Fr. Bagley came into the room with him for the meeting. Bishop Harrington did his usual introductory roll of saying the guys name and how great this guy was with Harrington’s input of something personal. An example would be using me as “Ted! You’re a great guy etc. etc. etc. Then you knew, here it comes- whatever one was called for.

Well, Harrington said to my classmate, with Bagley sitting on the side of Harrington’s desk for 45 minutes, that he wanted to transfer him from his parish assignment to a Polish parish and that he would be so good in this assignment... This is where the story became interesting. My classmate listened to the Bishop about the transfer and describing Harrington’s acting skills of rambling and emotionality. After Harrington finished, my classmate said that he would not mind going until September, but Bishop Flanagan, the Ordinary of the Diocese, had given my classmate permission to return to Louvin, Belgium for his doctorate some two weeks previously to this meeting. Harrington, immediately, got up from his chair and went next door to Flanagan’s Office. Bagley, only, put his hands up to his faces face as “Oh! Brother.” After a short period of time, Harrington returned with a total different disposition towards my classmate as though he had a metonia- totally different person. My classmate described it to me as a “night and day” discussion.

This classmate experienced what was a breakdown or what type of communication between the Ordinary and Auxiliary Bishop in the Diocese. It remained me of Abbot and Costello sequence of “Who’s on first, and what is on second?”

This is where I appreciated Bagley’s comment of “a new spirit” in the Diocese with a new Bishop (Reilly) and the 50^th Anniversary of the Diocese. Bagley, also, had positions in Rome as the American Bishops’ coordinator for visitors to the Vatican. But, he was never appointed a Monsignor by Bishop Harrington who flooded the Worcester Diocese with red cassocks.

This was where “games” being played in the priesthood were no different than any other aspect of life. If anyone thought that the priesthood would have been the last place that one had to worry about “games,” they were very wrong. This vocation possibly demanded more awareness to the games of life because of the factor of power and authority. The game was constantly an issue in that there never was a day-off from it.

                Some priest began the year by celebrating Mass on the eve, beginning at 11:30 pm. on New Years Eve. I heard from one priest that he conducted a 37 min. Mass with the people going home at 12:07 am. He was telling me this with a sarcastic note that he did the Mass because it was requested by the Diocese.

                I noticed the atmosphere was summarized by Charles Schultz who is the creator of Peanuts with Charlie Brown and gang showing Lucy telling Charlie Brown that she “never gets to kick the football.”

                I was surprised that CNN had a story on their January 1^st with Bobby Battista serious report on the gay culture of our country. Where was this going of such a story?  

January 2, 2000

                I began thinking again about my “fear buckets” filling-up.  My basic question was what next? I have resonating in my head Bishop Harrington’s remark: “Ted! You guilty till proven innocent.” So, I wonder of “defamation.” I go on line (internet) and find Black’s Law Dictionary and read the definition: Holding up to a person to ridicule, scorn or contempt in a respectable and considerable part of the community; may be criminal as well as civil. Includes here is both libel and slander. 1 This was explained under Law of Torts that a plaintiff who proves slander per se is not required to prove special damages because such expressions are almost certain to harm the plaintiff’s reputation and produce economic loss. Not having to prove special damages is very helpful to the plaintiff because they are difficult to prove. The defendant can usually lessen the amount of damages awarded by publishing a retraction. But, what about being when this is done inside a Catholic Diocese?

                This resonated because of me trying to deal daily life and having to answer almost daily: What are you doing with yourself? Usually, this is the second immediate question before I give any answer to the greeting question of “How are you?” I had to develop an immediate patterned answer: “You can read it all about it in my three volume autobiography. I get-up at 5:00 am and say Mass and do my Divine Office, exercise 50 min. on my Nordic Track, breakfast and sit and do my research and writing. I take a break to do an outside walk of three miles a day (one hour) where I say my rosary and reflection time. Returning back to the computer and make sure that I get a period of spiritual reading into my day.”

                After a short period of time, I asked myself “Why is this disturbing me? I was letting it and I was the only one to do anything about it. I had to move on with my daily life and concern about my vocation.

All this draws me back to when I was in the Seminary preparing for the priesthood and we had a daily schedule that was day-in, day out. It was a procedure that made it possible to achieve many things in one day. I have to admit that discipline was a good base for my future.                 

January 6, 2000

                There is the issue of “defamation of character.” This is something no one will allow to be discussed. Whenever I address this issue, I get many different reaction from a blank stare which may mean that “You got to be kidding1”, puzzled looks, or “”You don’t want to go there.” But, I recall one conversation I had back in 1995 with Attorney Carey saying to me: “You can open your case anytime.”

                I speak at different times a former parishioner who is a lawyer. Whenever I attempt to address this topic, he goes numb and immediately tries to change the topic. One time, I addressed him directly and he responded with a brief explanation that it would practically be impossible to do. Why I am not satisfied with this explanation. I realize I hold back because I do not have any finances and the Catholic Church is a big institution in our culture- the big elephant being challenged by the small mouse dynamic.  

January 11, 2000

                I had my eyes opened by an article in The Boston Globe of this day entitled “Sexual predator law rebuffed.” This story was from Washington, “The Superior Court refused yesterday to reinstate the main part of Pennsylvania’s sexual predator law, thrown out by a state court on the grounds that it violated a defendant’s presumption of innocence. In Pennsylvania case, the justices made no comment in rejecting prosecutors’ argument that the state can assume people convicted of certain crimes are violent predators unless they prove otherwise.”2

                I had instant recall to 1993 and Bishop Harrington telling me over and over that I was “guilty till proven innocent.” Nothing and I mean nothing was ever done to silence or correct Harrington in any manner whatsoever. It was humiliating and depressing that someone in authority was rambling along with statements that even the Church has Canon Laws to rebuff such people and their statements. But, I had no recourse or defense in any way especially in the realm of defamation of character. 

January 12, 2000

                I was told a very interesting story by Mrs. Connie Rivard (parish secretary) of how yesterday a parishioner of St. Edward’s- John McKenna delivered flowers to Connie’s door for her birthday from a relative. John said he was working part time delivering flowers. He told Connie he was a priest in the Diocese for 18 years and was at this time 72 years old. He asked Connie about me and how I was doing? She told him that I was living in Gardner He told here that he was going to call me. I spoke with John every time he was at weekend Mass especially where he arrived early and I was able to speak with him about a variety of topics before the usual crowd of parishioners arrived.

Connie told me that he said how what you viewed with your eyes at St. Edward’s was of my doing and it would not have been there if I did not do it. (Church Renovations and building of the Parish Center). She even told her that I was a very intelligent priest and that there was a lot of politics in the Worcester Diocese.

I never mentioned to any parishioners that John was a priest of the Diocese and a parishioner. I invited him to participate in any way that he was comfortable with but he preferred to be a participant from the congregation and let it be.  He never did give me a call. But, it is something of a mystery how that works with people. It is the “different strokes for different folks.”    

January 13, 2000

                There was a rash of media on the gay issue in our society of late. There was the debate from a political direction of gays in the military during the upcoming election and even the priesthood. I know that when I mentioned the issue of the debate of gays in the military to a couple of priest, in passing, that I, immediately, received a “No!” rebuttal meaning they were not aware of anything as such and no other discussion.

                I noticed at this time how a number of the priest I knew had such a controlling issue and possessiveness. These characteristics were, always, present in the ministry by the term of “clicks’ and “who do you hang around with?” But, what I noticed that a “selected group” was a term being used in the media through publications and otherwise in the Catholic Church.

                Another predominately characteristic I saw blossoming between a number of priest was how there was the CYA game. One at this time of the year was how different guys watched certain other priest and their vacation times. Some of the priest positioned themselves for extended periods of vacations especially during the summer and winter. But, then there was the scenario where guys would talk about certain priest to keep the “spot light” off themselves and their vacation time. I explained this by the talk of keeping the spotlight on someone else, so too keep the spotlight of them. The complainer was doing the same thing in another direction. You might thing the military would have learned from the clergy on Operation Deceptions.” This was so silent service in a very polished manner form of deception.

                This takes me back to March of 1995 and the article about me in The Worcester Telegram & Gazette and the comments from Fr. Stephen Pedone and Fr. Henry Bowen. These guys were Canon Lawyers in the Diocese where Pedone was Harrington’s Vicar of Canon Law.

                This March date had my story in the local newspaper. Let’s not forget that my story began in March of 1993 and two years later there is a newspaper story. But I had to hear two different versions of how this made its way into the newspaper. When I asked Pedone about this, he gave me one answer. Bowen gave a different version. They must have talked previously to this and they were not on the same page of answering me about how this made its way in the paper. What I realized was that this was the time that my case was filed in the Superior Court for a civil suit. Kathleen Shaw of the Worcester Telegram did get this information and there it was in the paper.

                Back to Pedone and Bowen.  Pedone answer to me was that the “girls lawyers faxed this story to all the media.” Bowen’s version was that the “newspaper, always, has a reporter at the courthouse.” I did read in a Boston paper how an AP (Associated Press) reporter covers the courts and legal issues. But, we have another character in this mix- Attorney Puccio, who represented the Diocese. So, what led Kathleen Shaw, who is not one of these specifically appointed reports, to the courthouse? Possibly, this Puccio paid someone at a Worcester pub to call Saw about a civil suit in the courthouse? One has to realize that it may just have been someone working in the courthouse that calls Kathleen Shaw. This may sound off the wall in some form but there was “the game” and it personified deception in the upper chambers of the Chancery especial with my case. I had to recall how Harrington even told me in 1993 that I had “private deceives following you.” This thinking, on my part, was possibly not that paranoid.  I might not have been wrong due to the fact of being stained “Worcester’s Poster Boy.” 

January 14, 2000

                I received a form letter from Bishop Reilly on the 50^th Anniversary of the Diocese inviting me to the ceremony at St. Paul’s Cathedral, Worcester. The letter continued “Immediately following the Liturgy I will host a reception and dinner for the priests of the diocese at the Worcester Centrum Centre. Please mark you’re your calendar and plan to join your brother priest of the diocese as we come together to celebrate the Jubilee Year 2000 and the 50^th Anniversary of the Church of Worcester. An invitation with a response card will be mailed to you in the near future.”3

                This letter was mailed with a stink-on label for my address and I never received a “response card.” So, I had to struggle with what did this mean: Was it only a form letter to all priest (active and those ‘On Leave’) and how was I to respond? I asked around to a few priests if the other guys “On Leave” were participating in anything at the Cathedral. I was told the “yes” and “no” answer. By that I mean it depended on which guy was talking. I was very uncomfortable because I received this but had not received anything from the Bishop or Diocese for a very long period of time especially the Chrism Mass which was to renew our priestly promises to the Bishop at the Cathedral. But, I had this and turned to prayer of what I should do. I waited for a response card for the ceremony and dinner following this letter’s ceremony which never came. I, finally, decided not to attend. I had a new able which I had since my 25^th Anniversary of Ordination and still had not used it. 

January 16, 2000

                One thing a time was I realized hearing at one time that the Catholic Christian Life is like a mirror: You get out of it what you put into it.  If, anything, I was conducting myself in a manner of Christian virtues, precepts and commandments. But, I was in “the game” where power and authority showed it was all for one and one for all. I realized that I was in an atmosphere of no difference than IBM, Ford Motor Company, or U.S. governments.

                I noticed that I was using the term of my “Cave” whenever I spoke about my living quarters (since 1994) which was a studio apartment of one room, kitchen, and bathroom. I, also, noticed that I was doing much more reading and become more interested in reading Letters-To-The-Editor sections of newspapers. 

January 17, 2000

                In my readings of the internet, I found an article entitle “Embattled Priest Says Goodbye.” It was a story of a Father Paul Baca of the Archdiocese of Santa Fe, NM.  It described how he celebrated his last Mass on this Sunday weekend of January 16^th. The pastor ordered by the Archdiocese after a lawsuit by a woman from Albuquerque against him and was placed on an administrative leave in her lawsuit; the woman accused Baca of molesting her in 1973 when she was 15, and than having sexual relation with her again after she came to him for counseling as an n adult in 1989. It was the first lawsuit filed against the archdiocese in five years by Albuquerque attorney Bruce Pasternak, who instantiated a series of priest sex-abuse lawsuits in the early 1999’s that accused Archbishop Sanchez and resulted in more than 180 claims against the church. Fr. Baca was 75 and celebrated his 50^th Anniversary as a priest the previous year. A couple of quotes were given by parishioners at this last Mass. One parishioner said: “He lives the true meaning of what being a Christian is.’ Another said: “What has happened to this man is really sad. He’s been crucified. It’s bee like I’ve had a death in my family. I never realized how much my religion meant to me until this happened.” In the parish bulletin of that weekend he wrote a statement: I will say that I have always conducted my interactions with every member of our Catholic community with the respect demanded of me by my priestly vows. In due time, I will speak out in response to the allegations and finally have an opportunity to defend myself against the accusations presented by the media.”4

                This story continued to the following few weeks. The former chancellor of the Archdiocese of Santa Fe, Fr. Richard Colona succeeded Father Paul Baca as pastor of the Church of the Risen Savior.  Fr. Olona said that Fr. Baca “has always been an inspiration tome. His hard work, dedication his outreach to the poor are some things I’ve always admired. I don’t have any information I believe a person is innocent unless a person is proven guilty I still admire him for his zeal and his commitment to the people and the poor.”5         

                I read this with trepidation of what people can undertake and wonder how many use the “copy-cat” or paint by the numbers sequence. What, also, opened my eyes was how Fr. Baca was given an opportunity to celebrate Mass in his parish before going on administrative leave, preach and print a statement to the parishioners.

What I experienced was practically opposite were my own Bishop addressed me as “guilty till proven innocent.” I was sent for an evaluation by Bishop Harrington and then told to find somewhere to go but not my parish and they would “get a hold of” with the directives of keeping appointments with Dr. Zeman, my psychiatrist, and continue attending AA meetings.

                I had to realize what I read about Santa Fe was not my Worcester Diocese. Because I was reminded a number of times that each Diocese was independent and what Bishop Harrington did to me was his right as Bishop of the Diocese of Worcester. I was even told by a number of priests that I was “put out to dry.” But, what concerned me most was what Fr. Tom Lynch and Attorney Carey talking to me as “Worcester’s Poster Boy.” I realized how this is a similar theme running through my journaling. But, if anything, you were no contact with me by the Diocese of any form. It was “isolation” in no other terms. I had to realize that what I had experienced with the Diocese and this isolation was not the worst thing in the world. 

January 20, 2000

                It is strange how different thoughts come back to reflect on what my experience since March 1993. Today, I reflected on how Bishop Rueger told me in one of those interrogations session with Harrington, Tinsley and himself by repeating: “One girl but not two!” What was he trying to divert me of saying something only he wanted to hear as bait or say something about what I knew with other priest and Bishop Harrington...? I felt the diocese putting me out to dry and Rueger’s comment was an absurdity. I was noticing at this time that the Diocese had a cloud over itself and was trying to pull me under it. Those interrogations were in my insights to have this cloud over my head. It was a very peculiar time and occurrence.

                 Dr. Zeman shared this story with me about Bishop Reilly. It involved where Fr. Kiely (Director of Pastoral Issue) of I.O.L. and Dr. Zeman traveled to Norwich, Conn. Chancery Office about a case from Bishop Reilly’s Diocese. They had to wait for a half hour for this meeting, sat with Bishop Reilly by presenting their report. Reilly said: “O.K. boys! It’s time you new go home to Hartford.” It seemed that this meeting was Reilly’s answer was “No!” about returning the priest to parish work.  What I had to realize was that Dr. Zeman was directing this example to my situation. It can’t over till it’s over. However, no communications was a similar response. 

January 24, 2000

                I was reading the latest issue of The Catholic Free Press (Worcester Diocese Weekly Newspaper). There is the section of the weekly public schedule of Bishop Reilly and Bishop Rueger. It listed Bishop Reilly being at the 11:00 a.m. Mass on January 23rd for Father Joseph A. Marcotte’s 30^th Anniversary and 14^th Anniversary as Pastor  of St. Louis Parish, Webster.6 Moe was in my Ordination Class in 1970. What is peculiar that 30^th and 15^th Anniversaries were not celebrated? It was usually 25^th and 40^th. Don’t tell me that Reilly is doing anything to get out on the road to resurrect the priesthood in the parish by having this 30^th and 15^th. It is called “show time” in the ministry and Reilly is known for anything public he is able to find a camera and crowd. I have to realize that he is the Bishop.

                I celebrated my 30^th Anniversary in “The Cave” (my room) with hearing nothing form the Bishop or anyone else. I was still a priest but obviously shelved in the “back room” of the Diocese. I do have that sinking feeling when I read such an announcement because of my situation. The isolation is the main issue where there is no contact or any communication. But, this is the way it is. Fortunately, I find that my priesthood is much more than public celebration or recognition

                Oh! I followed the newspaper for the section of Bishop Reilly’s public schedule and there was no other 30^th Anniversary celebrations printed for any of my classmates in the diocese which would number about 12 or 13.

                Today, I compiled my co-payment slips of my prescriptions to the Clergy Benefit Plan. They totaled $315.12/ I never received his co-payment or even a note explaining anything. The game goes on. 

January 25, 2000

                It was winter but my overall spirit was good due to the fact of having people around that I were walking with me by contacting me, having me over for dinner or to go shopping with them and attending the bi-weekly AA meetings. This supplemented me in my research and writing. I was thinking that besides writing my two-volume book that I would also write a novel entitled: The Great Flood of Elm Street. It would be about the time when the Worcester Chancery Office building frozen pipes broke at night and the morning had water running out of the main entrance and through the whole building. There was a story to be written with what I had known of the characters and situation of the whole Diocese when this flooding occurred. But, the novel approach would have been the best route. 

January 26, 2000

                I had coffee with a fellow priest who talked about the present situation of priest being allegated that a while generation of priest is lost with this allegation and “hysterical reaction by the hierarchy not knowing what rot to expect or do next.”  It seems that the hierarchy was developing a plan to have in place of labeling and have a procedure of reaction to any allegations.

                This is almost seven years after I was called into the Chancery in Worcester with Bishop Rueger and Tinsley. Someone is going to tell me that it is not until now that the hierarchy was reacting. But, I had to realize that this priest might have been watching my reaction or any comments. It is unbelievable that one had to live in such circumstances besides realizing that with the Catholic Hierarchy- bishops are like the “third rail” and if you touch it, you die. I have to say that I was warned a number of times Like a Thaddeus Giza of Warren Massachusetts saying “do you know what you are doing? (Getting ordained a priest) and Attorney Carey saying “Get out!”

                This same priest in this coffee experience told me about another diocesan priest on administrative leave who submitted his co-payment slips for medication to the Diocesan Clergy Benefit Plan. He received back a note that his expenses are being carried by a separate fund in the Diocese. So, this guy received nothing back but the note. So, I collected my skips for co-payment which I have been saving since 1993 and mailed them to the Chancery Office. I waited for any type of an answer. I never received a note or anything. Period. I played everything of the co-feed since being sent to Hartford  for my evaluation.

                Besides this, this priest that I was having coffee with was a kingpin in the rumor circuit of the diocese. He told me the story that my classmate, Fr. Peter Inzarello was told that he should look for another Bishop which is called a benevolent bishop. Fr. Inzarello supposedly was told according to this rumor talk that he would never be assigned to anything in this diocese. He is still on the parish bulletin of St. Anthon’s, Fitchburg as Pastor. The rumor talk was that he never resigned his Pastorship. Why I listened carefully but said nothing especially with my poker-straight face to this story, I was placing this story in context of how the diocese treated me- guilty till proven innocent, move your “stuff” out of the rectory and demanding my resignation. On the advice of my Canon Lawyer, I did not resign my pastorship with Harrington’s Crowd.

                One had to realize that Inzarello was Vocation Director for the Diocese which had the position of a desk in the Chancery Office.

                I, always, was amazed of the sock technique the Harrington Crowd was using against me while under evaluation driving into Hartford, during the isolation period- just go somewhere and we will call you, and their “Stalag #13” or “hot house kitchen” interrogation technique- Bishop’s Residence kitchen experience. Besides my Canon Lawyer, my doctor in Hartford, Civil Lawyer- attorney Carey was all aware of this treatment. It was as a duplication of the Three Monkeys’ Statue of no hears, talk or see approach.

                Inzarello, in his time of administrative leave, was in the public light by running musical concerts with a lot of media stories with pictures. There is a story here to track of future developments.

                So, why was the Worcester Diocese so brutal against me? Was it anything to do with what I knew by accident of the Ordinary of Worcester, things from my first rectory experience?

                This had me researching an article I recall reading in 1997 entitled “Vatican Probes Priest Ouster: Santa Fe Archdiocese Dismissed 21 on Sexual Abuse Charges” by Paul Logan of the Albuquerque Journal. Basically the article reported how thee was an investigation under way to determine of U.S. Catholic dioceses, including the Archdiocese of Santa Fe, saying the diocese acted fairly in dismissing priest accused of sexual abuse. . This article reported how Catholic officials in Rome and U.S. bishops have disagreed over when and how a priest charged with sexual abuse should be removed from the ministry. It was reported that the Vatican recently began its probe after a number of American priests protested they were wrongly accused. At that time, it seemed that church law allowed the removal of a priest through a diocese’s administrative process or a more formal judicial procedure that includes appeals. The latter resembles the U.S. criminal systems. The report, further, stated that a number of U.S. priests who clean they were wrongly removed from the ministry have filed complaints, according to the Vatican. The Santa Fe Archdiocese was reported of using the administrative procedures in removing priests. The administrative procedure, it was explained allows a bishop and two consulting priest to weigh the evidence against an accused priest and “to address the situation immediately.” (Rueger and Tinsley with Harrington) The judicial process is much more involved, using threes judges whoa re priests, and often takes years to resolve a case. It is described as a very complicated system. The judicial system has all kinds of peals and reviews. Canon Law says that the bishop determines shish procedure is used.  This article, also, stated the Santa Fe Archdiocese said it was always concerned about the seriousness of the matter and conscious of the priests’ right and tried to protect them. It continued that lakeside the victims that came forward, the Archdiocese had to be conscious of their needs as well. And for that reason the steps that had been taking were taken. The article occluded with a quote Mary Ryland, archdiocesan communications director “…we’re concerned about bringing about healing and reconciliation. This has been painful for everybody, even people in the pew. The whole church has suffered from this.”7

This same article mentioned that both Archbishop Robert Sanchez and the next Archbishop Michael Sheehan used administrative procedures in removing priest. Sanchez “admitted in a deposition made public last year (1994) that he kept the lid on sex-abuse charges to prevent a church scandal. But his own sexual relationships with women also contained in the deposition, eventually forced him to resign.”8

The Albuquerque Journal reported in an article entitled “The case of Archbishop Richard F. Sanchez” with references to 15 “more significant stories the Journal had written on the case.” 9 This article wrote how the “document also indicated that Sanchez kept the lid on the sex abuse charges as long as he could, fearing they would plunge parishes into ‘scandal’ and ‘division’. And his own sexual relationships were his private shame.”10

What I found peculiar was that I never heard or read any of these stories back in 1993-’94 nor was aware that this was boiling in the U.S. Catholic Church. It seemed as thou this was a regional reporters’ avenue. This is where one has to realize the principle that each bishop runs his diocese separately and independently- Sole Cooperation. It was as though everyone was only trying to survive and was not talking much about anything but the weather. I had to admit that I was in an isolation mode waiting for the next phone call from the Worcester Chancery and which never did come until some time later down the road.

 What flabbergast me that I was never informed or knew about anything as such reported in this article when I was called into to Chancery in March of 1993 by Rueger and having Tinsley sitting in the room? One may say that this was official and canonical procedure that I should have had know. In addition, when I was at Hartford for the full 9 week evaluation and having my bishop drive-in and demand my resignation while being evaluated which added on to the issue of my priestly rights violated and trampled upon. No one, even after I had a Canon Lawyer, the issue of priestly rights, never mind a civil rights concerning the allegations of two girls against me.

                When I started to ask questions, I noticed every professional person that I talked with was so vague and “passed-the-buck” procedure back to me as “You should talk to…” I was not getting any real answers to what is next or way I had to go. Here was the Three Moneys’ Statue on top of the flag pole.

                What was interesting was that at the time of the evaluation in Hartford, I was with 30 to 35 other priest at different times. No one practically talked about there situation with their bishop or diocese. Besides, no one talked about our rights as priest in Canon Law or any appeals. What this reminded I from my studies in theology was the issue of Modernism and a very prominent English lay Theologian by the name of Edmond Bishop of the 19^th Century who questioned Catholic Church authority but realized that the lay person had no rights in Canon Law. It seemed that the 1990’s should have to been realized that neither did ordained priest have any rights, especially my bishop telling me that I was “guilty till proven innocent.”  

February 5, 2000

                What I was realizing through life that humor as a virtue. This was recalled tome whenever Fr. Tom Lynch would call or talk to me. He, always, had humor in the discussion. So, when I read The Promise of Virtue the Promise of Virtue by Eugene Hemrick (Ave Maria Press). He wrote: “Humor helps us to endure ways of life’s absurdities and hardships by helping us to loosen up and step back, to realize and regain a healthy rhythm. Humor, also, helps us to break free from self-centered impulses.  When we are able to laugh at ourselves, we remind ourselves that we’re human, that we need to let go sometimes, and that we would stop playing God. It helps us reflect on how well we let God dictate what is truly important to us. ‘In laughter, there is always a kind of joyousness that is compatible with contempt or indignation.’ (Voltaire)” 11

                Besides hearing this from Fr. Lynch, I relate to The Three Stooges sequences and the daily cartoon page. So much of life is related to me by these sources and at times humor helps getting through the day. 

February 6, 2000.

                In the report on CNN News after the fall of the Berlin Wall stated that about 12 organizations were doing research on Nazism in Germany. The fall of the wall in Berlin had these groups even going after Communist party member in that time of East Germany.

                This had me wondering how there was so much similarity  with what was going on with the Church in this country and Worcester Diocese in the 90’s with the sex abuse issue. I had to hear Bishop Harrington saying to me that Frank Fitzpatrick, who lived in RI, was chasing priest cases with a non-profit organization in Cranston, RI. This Frank Fitzpatrick had stories written about him in a number of local newspapers. Harrington told me that they were after me and investigating my whereabouts. This was the atmosphere that prevailed at that time with Harrington sending me for an evaluation to Hartford. 

February 7, 2000

                Different things come back to mind or swirl around my thinking because of not getting an answer or will I ever get an answer to certain issue in my life- Permanent Pastor. What I laughed at when I get into this mode- the issue of a conspiracy theory. This was something that I didn’t want to discover. Bishop Harrington has to face that my appointment as pastor was that in my appointment due to the fact of a technique matter of not having an addendum to Church law for U.S. Bishops. What there was in this was that a bishop appointed a pastor and it was a Permanente appointment that would leave the next appointment in the pastor’s ballpark.

                It seemed that Bishop Harrington made my appointment with 3 or 4 other pastors in this PP category before he received a formal document from the Vatican on the American addendum. This was a very interesting gossip in the Diocese. So, the church law stated that the only reason a bishop would be able to remove a pastor was due to the fact of a scandal. Here my case was ideal to play for Harrington to do me in with an “allegation” situation. Those famous questions that I had of who, what, when, where and all and any questions I was not able to ask never occurred and that was it.

                I had Bishop Harrington at one of the Confirmation ceremonies tell me privately sitting in my rectory at St. Edwards: “You know that you’re not going to be here forever.” It was somewhat a strange remark but not in the contents of me being in a PP status. This was bothering him more than I realized. I recall my answer to him: “Yes, Bishop.” Harrington never spoke to me in a respectable manner. He was know as “the bulldog” model I wondered of how he tired to portray the paternal-authoritative role. Yet, he most likely was more than aware of what I knew about my first pastor, Msgr. Francis Manning and then Fr. George Rueger who was in residence at St. George’s, Worcester and to sum it up of Fr. Paul Foley of Holy Family, Leominster and their roles and other things in the priesthood. Then, when Fr. Rueger was appointed Auxiliary Bishop to Harrington, the “breath smelling” campaign was in force. This was where Rueger, now Auxiliary Bishop, would find me in any crowd, appointment or ceremony and do his “breath smelling” on me. It was a very uncomfortable and embarrassing encounter.

                This may be why Bishop Reilly asked me in my first meeting with him in his residence of “What did they do to you here (Bishops Residence). The Bishop’s Residence was where I had to face “the hot house kitchen” and interrogations in a couple of other instances. I never had any advocacy in any of these experiences. So, conspiracy” How about violating my rights even if I was an ordained priest? I realized I was more alone than I thought. Yogi Berra in one of his quotes of wisdom: Failure may be an orphan, but success has many parents. I was more alone than I realized. But, with the grace of God, I was more than ever going through the hoops to clear my name. I never acted-out any answer as in the 1976 movie entitled Network with the famous quote: “I’m mad as hell. I’m not going to take it anymore.” I didn’t ever get to this point. But, I was amazed of the caliber of what was being done with my personhood and chosen vocation. God help us all! 

February 9, 2000

                I had a Boston radio station on listening to the noon time news. There was an interview with the newest announced appointed Auxiliary Bishop for the Archdiocese of Boston. This was Fr. Richard J. Malone who said that his appointment was received with shock, joy, awe, exhilaration unworthiness, some anxiety and greatest gratitude to the Holy Father- John Paul II and Cardinal Law.

                When I was listening to this interview, I was thinking of those words were the right words to give the media and anyone he world have spoke with. However, I’m sure there had to be something in the works for years for him to be appointed an Auxiliary Bishop.

                At least this was nothing for me to actually consider because Malone was being appointed for the Worcester Diocese. Many people that I have spoken with would hear this news in Worcester County and if they didn’t know better that Boston is not Worcester. In regards to Church the Worcester Diocese and Archdiocese of Boston are separate “Sole cooperation’s.” It is something may find hard to believe that the two are practically independent in governing procedures.

                But, the words in the interview of Malone had me put a sinker on my face to see how he plays “the game.” 

February 10, 2000

                I wanted to get some idea of what was being written about these allegations against me some interesting numbers of priest on sexual abuse, So, I drove myself to Holy Cross College Library, Worcester, Massachusetts to review past issues of Human Development which was a Jesuit publication. I found ten articles printed from 1992 and 1999. I wondered what was being written and said because I was hearing nothing. Yet, these articles gave me some insight of what was being passed around the Church, meaning the Catholic Bishops and any direction of this specific topic. It seems that alcoholism was not up for much printing from this publication.

                One article opened my eyes in Human Development of the Winter Issue of 1994 entitled “Memories of Abuse Not Always Reliable.” The article stated: In the past few years, an increasing number of cases of ‘recovered memories’ have made their way into the media headlines in connection with  criminal charges and lawsuits over sexual abuse of children.” The article continued: The False Memory syndrome Foundation was founded in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania tow years ago (1992) to assist persons claiming to be wrongly charged with abuse. Already, more than 7,000 phone calls have been received from people seeking the organization’s assistance.”12

                What I realized was that I was not alone with Fr. Lynch’s remark to me about “the dragnet going through the water.” But, it seemed that my situation was “hatched, matched, and dispatched.” In addition, this article showed me that this was becoming a hot issue in 1993 with what I was reading from the professional article on sex abuse in the Church.  This reminds me of the notorious comment I kept recalling of the Bishops are “painting-by-the-numbers” approach. This would have fitted in the Bishop Harrington’s continuous comment to me: “You’re guilty till proven innocent.”

                I recall reading in 1986 that the issue of priest pedophile penetrated on the national radar screen by an editorial in Times of Acadian, Lafayette, Louisiana. So, my story in 1993 already had the hierarchy, lawyers and others in an experienced “paint-by-the-numbers.” This adds more credence to Fr. Lynch’s comment: “There is a dragnet going through the water.” The atmosphere in1993 was so intense of the thing that was happening or to do against priest of the day. It became a campaign that had a member of public sources and media in harmony to get “justice.” But, what about the issue of “justice” for the priest? 

February 11, 2000

                Its winter, cold and I were just thinking: I noticed how the Diocese is putting a spin on prickly stories in the Diocesan newspaper and give interviews to the local newspaper. I’m not sure if it was Aristotle or Yogi Berra who said: Failure may be an orphan, but success has many parents. It seems that I don’t have that many phone calls lately or hear from certain people that have kept in contact. There is the wisdom that after four, being days, years or whatever, people usually move on.  But, I keep coming-up for air I feel at time like in the 1976 movie- Network about anger: I’m mad as hell. I’m not going t take it anymore. This anger is within me. When I talk or communicate with others, I’m reserved about this internal anger. But, it is there. I have not come to a point that it has given me any physical affects or in that matter any other issues. I noticed that my approach to this is silent waiting and reserved comments which I noticed lately goes into writing my daily journal for my books.

                While at the bookstore, I proved Sleeping with Extra Terrestrials: The Rise of Irrationalism and Perils of Piety. Sleeping with Extra Terrestrials: The Rise of Irrationalism and Perils of Piety by Wendy Kaminer. She sites about our therapeutic culture in light of random abuses direction. She states that the “abused never get cross-examined because the professional society addresses it like a breach of ethics issue.” Kraminer says that this is irrational but that we live with this. She writes that one has to know the source of your information especially, she writes the Internet. She develops the argument that incoherence leads to irrationality.13

 It is interesting to come across this book. 

February 13, 2000

                This Sunday’s scripture readings had the gospel of Mark 1, 40-45 of the “unclean skin,” describing the leper. (NJB) Despite his social dislocation the leper has Jesus being therapeutic “with compassion” but not as the NAB translation of “moved with pity.” Compassion is the ability to identify with a suffering person and to enter the person’s world with care and love... Contemporary miracles of healing are often a compassionate world to touch and the gift of continued presence and welcome to suffer by the community of family and the Church. Pray, especially, for someone who is suffering serious isolating illness and ask how God may call you to touch his or her life. The courageous leper cried out to God in his suffering. One needs to pray in gratitude for someone whose courage and faith in illness had you to appreciate more deeply the power of God’s love. This was my message if I was preaching publicly. But, this was the homily in “The Cave.”

                This day the new media reported that Charles Schulz, the creator of Peanuts died the previous night. This Sunday papers carried his last Sunday column. He once said in an interview that if you read Peanuts for two months, you get to see who he (Schultz) really was.  It is Charles Schulz as Charlie Brown. The last Sunday cartoon column had Charlie Brown, sitting on a bench and he sees the redheaded girl but does not have the courage to go over to her and say “hi.” He gets up but then sits down, again and again. He is too anxious prone and does not get over to meet the redheaded girls after all.               

February 15, 2000

                The social climate and all was somewhat different at this time where the N.Y. Post reported about an Albany Diocese priest who was in the process of making history as the first priest in America to undergo a sex-change operation. A Father Dennis Brennan, 65, the longtime pastor of St. Margaret of Corona Roman Catholic Church, goes “on his weekly trip to the grocery store, he looks, well, unusual. The 5-foot 8 inch balding, Irish-born priest wears a dark, full-length dress, and ill-fitting ladies’ white wig, and a silver necklace. He also sports a lady’s shoulder bag.”14 

February 17, 2000

                I had a phone call from my cousin, John Bish. He was probing me to what is happening to me. I summarized that I felt it was a “Mexican standoff” with the Diocese and me. It was my thinking at the time because I heard nothing and no one was in any way showing what direction my situation would be heading. He responded that he was able to relate with me because he felt that we both were at the same point in our respect professions.

                I stopped in my cousin’s office in East Brookfield- Western County District Courthouse. We talked about how things were going. He, then, said to me that we are both in a “Mexican standoff” in both of our respective professions. I was somewhat surprised with this comment and tried to figure out what my situation and his were in this realm. I didn’t pursue this and departed his place of employment. 

February 18, 2000

                The weather was one good snowstorm which was a heavy snow without any ice. The storm carried on for 24 hours. On TV, I heard an interview that I identified with. It was a father who had lost his visitation rights on visiting his children. The father described it as a wound that he keeps picking. He, also, described that he had lost his innocence for good and it has devastated his life. He was only sitting at this time and hadn’t figured out what type of work he would do. He said that he lost any sense of goals in his life.

                This was somewhat where I was at in my particular situation. But, I had a regular routine of rising at 5:00 a.m., doing my daily Mass and Breviary (Divine Office), daily exercise plan, daily diary writing, other position essays and the regular routine of domestic duties.  The priesthood was and is my vocation. I was keeping focus especially having to keep cool of my internal anger on myself. I was constantly aware of being dragged down by my own self and not beat myself with a stick- metaphorically.  

February 19, 2000

                I realize how I had the goals perspective in my previous day reflections. But, it did come on me the next day that I was in the realm of “stinking thinking.” My peace of mind was uninsurable. I recall being told that I should not worry. But, I realized that this is not the real world... There are times that I feel I am living in the blackest of clouds. So, I continue along like my “turtle” on my bookcase, moving along slowly and when I have too, withdraw in the shell as the turtle does. I am working in a much unstructured pattern in my writing. I find articles; hear interviews or comments that I record in my daily writings. The file cabinet that I have has over three drawers of material and a collecting a number of books on the issue of sex abuse crisis. The timeline chart, now, has me reefing back to sources and to review events, time-in-time-out. I find in my story so many half-truths, innuendoes, and gossip being thrown out by clerics of the Worcester Diocese. It is a wake-up call I believe for anyone of what was happening and is happening in the hierarchical Church were one encounters a selfish and ambitious clerics that railroaded me. Rueger’s comment in 1993: “If one girl, not a problem, but not two!” Excuse me! 

February 21, 2000

                I noticed in the local newspaper that my horoscope under Libra for today stated: Do creative free lance jobs. This I tried to do at times because of what the Diocese sent me had me below the federal government poverty level. There has always been the issue through life that I “would never crawl or beg on my knees” for anything. This is one reason of my rearing was that certain people supposedly helped me but they always had a string attached to that help? This was an issue of the “Polish Clergy of the Worcester Diocese.” I was told never ask the bishop for any money because “we” (Polish Clergy Group) would give it to you. The real issue was that they owned you. I was my own man and never did take a loan from this group. I worked ever free moment and otherwise while I was in college and theology. When ordained, I owned no one a penny. This independence had its positive and yet negative factors later on in my ministry especially name calling by certain Polish priest of the Worcester Diocese. 

February 23, 2000

                I had lunch with a classmate of mine who was an avid reader of Fr. Andrew M. Greeley. I was sure to get a dose of what Greeley had been writing lately. Greeley was known as a prolific writer and commentator on the Catholic Church because he was everywhere.

                So, I hear that one of Greeley’s latest publications- Furthermore: Memories of a Parish Priest. He told me that Greeley wrote about pedophilia that some priest operated as rings of predators. This supposedly was written in Greeley’s work- Confessions. The story I was told was that some priest covers their racks in these rings of predators.  Greeley said that these priests are a dangerous group. There is reason to believe that they are responsive for at least one murder and perhaps they have been involved in the murder of there murderer. I’m not sure if I was following this.  They knew that there one priest who was safekeeping information of which would implicate them. This priest was more a threat to them dead than alive. I was more confused hearing this.

Then the conversation developed where my classmate told me that Greeley said that in contemporary mass media culture, allegation was all that was required for conviction. This was following what Bishop Harrington kept going at me with: “You’re guilty till proven innocent.”

This had my classmate going over Greeley’s writing style in his novels where he said some of his mysteries most likely referred to Cardinal Joseph Bernadin of Chicago. I had to hear that “libel charges could easily have been filed against everyone.” So, the issue that the “dam broke” where the church authorities pinned-up its problems behind a dam of dishonesty. The dam broke and the Church was inundated. I had to hear that Greeley used the example of how policemen cover-up for fellow cops. So, in a metaphor, priests do likewise for priest as a brotherhood.

What I found interesting in this lunch was that so many points talked about I was hearing at different times since 1993. I, always, wondered who the source of similar stories of these stories was. I was getting the impression that it was Greeley’s writings and interviews in the media. But, I, also wondered about the gossip mill that I aware of in the Diocese- special interest group.

                I listened and did I listen because after leaving lunch and driving home, the “sex ring” issue came to mind. Back in 1993, Fr. Jack Kiely, at the I.O.L., asked me: “Ted is there a sex ring in Worcester?” Well, here I hear about Greeley’s writings of ring of predators existing in all parts of the country consisting of ordained ministers (priest). The game goes on where even Bishop Reilly, in my first meeting with him, asked: “What did they (Harrington, Rueger, Pedone and Tinsley) do to you here?” I was connecting more dots to get a somewhat better picture of what had happened and was going on. I don’t think this would ever really happen. 

February 25, 2000

                The local newspaper carried this story “Archdiocese is target of sex scam: Ashburnham man among 3 indicted.” The story reads: “Three people, including a mother and son sere indicted yesterday for allegedly trying to bilk the Archdiocese of Boston out of $850,000 by falsely claiming sexual abuse against a priest, authorities sand” The article continued that a “Byron With, 41, of Ashburnham was charged with one count each of attempted larceny and conspiracy.”15 My eyes opened wide because the media doesn’t usually report such stories. Then reading Ashburnham, which is next door to Westminster and Gardner. What was, in addition, interesting with this story, nothing was ever reported as a follow-up in the media. 

February 27, 2000

                I received a phone cal from an area priest this day. He stated the conversation with me that after I heard about the election of People John Paul II that I must have gone out “carousing around town.” I did not nor was I the carousing type. This had me wondering about his conversation and direction it was intended. I did tell him that I did recall that day where I was a “curate” at Holy Family of Nazareth, Leominster. I was called a “curate” by the pastor- Fr. Paul Foley who kept reminding me of it. The “curate” was an outdated term because the official title was “associate pastor.” I told this priest that I was in my rectory study and leaning against my desk watching TV with the new Pope coming out on the balcony in the Vatican. My initial and only reaction was “Oh! Oh! ” I knew about this Cardinal Woytola and met him at my Seminary in Orchard Lake, Michigan in 1969.

                I realize that this priest phone call with his remark of “carousing” was turning the knife in my back because I come from a Polish-American background. I took “carousing” as going out drinking which has not been since 1977.

                This same priest called me during the week and wanted to know if I wanted to ride with him to the Diocesan 50^th Anniversary Mass at St. Paul’s Cathedral, Worcester. I said “no” because I received a form letter announcing the 50^th Anniversary celebration which stated that a follow-up letter with a return card would follow. This I never received. But, this area priest told me that Fr. Rocco Picclomini (Vicar for Clergy) gave this area priest a message that if any priest (Administrative Leave) wanted to attend should call a Fr. Mike Rose in Grafton and leave a message with the parish secretary and tell the secretary what one wanted to eat form the meal following the Cathedral Mass.  Then this area priest proceeded to tell me that he was forming a car poll of 5 or 6 priests and wanted to know if I was going to be one of them “before he gets filled-up.” I reiterated “No.”

It seemed that Rocco said that the separate invites were mailed for priest on Administrative Leave to 49 Elm Street (Chancery). This is the famous approach of the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing or giving the right words to not answering a question. Because of my previous experience with the Chancery, I was connecting dots immediately of who was in the Chancery. Opps! Thaddeus’s name must have fallen on the floor.

This area priest guy must have had other designs in his great plan to get 5 or 6 priest in his car to get to the Cathedral and then the Centrum for the 50^th Anniversary. Somehow I felt this was “Showtime” on his part for the Bishop to see that he is reaching out to the “wayward brother priest” (Administrative Leave). 

February 28, 2000

I was reading Furthermore by Greeley. I read how that in the Archdiocese of Chicago t removed 23 priests on the pedophile crisis. Greeley even went on to say that the priest of the Chicago were out to get him. What was this all about? Was it the “selective group of priest” that I hear about or “the ring of predators about which I (Greeley) wrote in the paperback edition of Confessions remain untouched. The ring is much cleverer.”  Which he writes about in his Archdiocese? 16. I realized that I needed to re-read this work- Furthermore. When I read it in 1999, I thought that Greeley was on one his authority campaigns. But, thinking more about some of his issues in this work, I realized a number of things that I was facing in my Diocese of Worcester and the “upper clergy.” Confessions might be interesting to get a read, also. 

March 4, 2000

                This day in the Church calendar is celebrated St. Casmir- Patron Saint of Poland and Lithuanian. This is for the Polish and Lithuanian people, our St. Patrick’s Day. So, it is an annual celebration that intersecting enough is before Lent. Therefore, one is able to be true to fast and Lenten regulations. One wears red and white this day. 

March 5, 2000

                I had lunch with a deanery priest. He shared with me in an angry quiet tone in his voice a slip-in comment: “You were doing things in the RCIA that was against your own Bishop. No wonder you were having problems.” I was somewhat spell bound because this guy knew that I was following the proclaimed “ritual” which even the Diocesan Bishop must follow. This brother priest was telling me more about him in that the RCIA was being used with words and the minimum implication of Church worship and the other areas this document had implemented. It was a message of this guy telling me he puts his toes into the water and was not jumping-in. He was plain “LAZY” in implementing this ritual. The other thing that I didn’t verbally react towards him with was that this was 2000 and not 1993. He must have been doing a “program’ in his parish versus the “process.” There is a significant difference is this undertaking. A program is actually the old days of “convert classes.” An example may be of what I heard about at St. Edward’s, Westminster where they were told that they had a “Catechuminate.” But, no one had ever been introduced to the parish (faith community) nor who was the “team.” It most likely was the priest, privately giving instructions (Convert Instructions).  Then I have to wonder: What was the deanery priest really talking about? I was never sure with this guy because he was the type that had you looking somewhere else to keep-off the real issue he was doing or bothering him. In addition, he may have been “digging’ to what else I would say. Again, here is the game that keeps going on. 

March 8, 2000

                Bill Cosby (entertainer) is “threatening a $250 million lawsuits against the National Enquirer unless it retracts a story that said an actress accused him of sexual abuse. ‘The story is not true,’ Cosby spokesman David Brokaw said Monday. ‘Nothing happened. The authorities never contacted Mr. Cosby, and the first he learned of it was from the National Enquirer.’”17 This was the atmosphere off the society we lived in. Lawsuits, outer-charges and it go on.

                This day there I read on the internet dated March 1, 2000 from the National Conference of Catholic Bishops “Walk in the Light: A Pastoral Response to Child Sexual Abuse.”18 It began with a scripture quote and had my interest reading this of what other scripture quotes and example were being used. The other examples that I had heard about abuse are used as common examples. It was eye opening for me to read what I picked-up here and there in conversations that never were used at me by church authorities or professional people. This point I had to make because there were comments from Bishop Harrington, Bishop Rueger and Fr Pedone that were more than out of place towards me.  

March 10, 2000

                I found a March 10, 1994 copy of Origins: CNS Documentary Service included a Bishops’ Committee Report:  Brief History: Handling Child Sex Abuse Claims. It reported from 1982, but my interest had me going to the section of “1991 to the Present.”19 The reason I looked first at this later part was due to March 1993 being called into the Worcester Chancery by Rueger and especially that January of 193 at Bob=the-Hot- Dog Truck in West Boylston

This same issue of Origins carried another article, “Reckless Charges Against Innocent People”20 This was a statement issued by Archbishop William Keeler of Baltimore on Feb. 28^th a after sex abuse charges against Cardinal Joseph Bernadin  by Steven Cook of Philadelphia were dismissed in District Court in Cincinnati. This statement was directed at CNN and others in accusations against Cardinal Bernadin.

It is interesting how the hierarchy circle each other with statements and all. But, what about the “lower clergy”? Archbishop Lavada speaking about Bishop Ziemann: “This a time grieving. Having to resign fro a diocese and ministry, as he has been asked to do which will be with him for his lifetime with regret and shame. Certainly, he is contrite and hopes in his own period of time to find what he should do with his life. Every priest knows that but some fall always under weakness and situations.” Red flag this, because you would not find many if any such quotes of a Bishop about any of his priest that were allegated.

The Catholic Free Press on this day carried on the front page “Masses celebrated diocese’s first 50 years: Bishop Wright extolled on anniversary.”21 This was part of the Diocese’s 50^th Anniversary and other celebrations that going to take place. This I read about and know that it was another life in my situation.

The deanery priest that I periodically have coffee with told me after the 50^th Anniversary celebration that he counted 17 meal cards that were not used for the clergy dinner reception at the Worcester Centrum. This is where the term “spieg” is used with certain clergy. It is a Polish word that translates to “spieg.” The game goes on. 

March 11, 2000

                I read an article in America magazine of March 4, 2000 where Bishop Donald Trautom said “This is a critical time for the Church. It is a time of transition, new challenges and new opportunities. It is time for prayer, reflection, serious study, critique and discussion.”22

                Bishop Trauton was the American representative on ICLE (Rome commission on the Liturgy in English speaking countries) and issue of translation of liturgical text. But, Trauton was referring to the sex abuse crisis in America. The answer he gave made sense o me because I saw a process talked about in comparison of what I faced in the Worcester Chancery. There was no discussion or anything besides being treated like a child in a patriotically hierarchical system. But, there were bishops out there that used somewhat of a process even though they were only middle managers with the reigning Pope. But, my experience was a purification of the system I worked for and obvious self-enlightenment. 

March 16, 2000

 I was surprised to read in The Boston Globe an article entitles: “A teacher in Maryland, tied to abuse, is vindicated.” The story goes: “A Maryland gym teacher, Ronald Heller, taught for 32 years, and had a clean record until last month, when seven students accused him of watching girls undress in the locker room, and of fondling one of them. The story, it turns out, was consociated out of spite.”23

The Globe carried this story on page 3 of its first section. I, actually, was somewhat surprised that they even printed this. This newspaper was putting most of the priest allegated on the front page. But, again, nothing more was reported on this “concocted out of spite” story. We hear about one our two cases by the Attorney General of the state. It is a political year and wonder is anything else is coming on priest allegated.

How about counter-suits on issue of caused mental anguish, public embarrassment and contempt? 

March 19, 2000

                Another Sunday lunch with the deanery priest had me in a pattern of only listening and watching my facial expression and body language. This priest gradually turns the conversation of “according to another priest” technique. It was rumored that Bishop Reilly at a Confirmation Mass had to hear the wrath of a mother whose priest’s son was on Administrative leave. Then, supposedly, a certain priest who was on Administrative Leave was told by Bishop Reilly that he would be going back to parish work. Nothing ever happened with this.

Then this deanery priest related how at a Presbyter Meeting (Priest Council) that he asked about the medical expenses for priest on Administrative Leave. Bishop Rueger responded that if there were any problems, the priest should call him, personally. Yah! How can I call Rueger? The next time Rueger would hear my name would be from a lawyer.

But, this was all the hierarchical technique by stating guys on Administrative Leaves were in a “separate account.” Now, the guy that was the money man of the Diocese was Msgr. Ed Tinsley. It seemed at Presbyter Meetings, he was an ex-official member that sat on a chair against the wall. If there were any money questions, it seemed the Bishop deferred to Tinsley for an answer. But, Rueger was described at these meetings whenever he spoke as “Woody Wood Pecker.”

                This deanery priest was trying to portray a certain image but I was more aware that he was out for himself and his ‘vacations.” He showed antagonistic image of the priesthood that was a super ego issue. 

March 24, 2000

                I was reflecting how I used to write one page homilies for my daily Mass in the parish that I would do like but with “Letters-to-the-Editor.” It would be an interesting venture because I would be able to write on issue as Harry Truman used this approach. Harry Truman, as President, did this but never mailed them. But, the best ones were eventually compiled and put in a book after he left the Presidency. We’ll see. This would be definitely being interesting reading in the future if I did it.               

March 25, 2000

                On Saturday mornings, I have had the opportunity to watch the Three Stooges on TV. I was able to get to review the ones that were classic to me as “Niagara Falls” and “Built without Cents.” This TV program has it as attending NYUK of the Three Stooges. A lot of life was portrayed by these characters and they showed in slap-stick was much to learn especially camaraderie.  

March 26, 2000

                Since I was doing my research and writing, I noticed that my work had me focused and meeting some wonderful people. I had to be more flexible even if I tired to keep a definite daily schedule. It was how I heard other priest making money besides their priestly duties as having a “hobby.” I never realize how many priest had “hobbies” in their parish ministry. Now, it was that I had to do things to make the basic ends meet. There was the problem of finding things that would not give#1099. One has to work, in actually, at slave wages. But, it was my present philosophy of life statement for the day.

                The work situation is an issue because I hear three or more interpretations of the same issue. I heard that I should do this or that for work. Then I heard how each priest’s case was handled separately by the Bishop. So, I realize that this is the same situation as Tom Brokowv said in a new broadcast on Evening News on NBC that there is more than one interpretation of anything the Pope says or does. I notice in local priestly work that there are like three or four interpretation of the same issue.

                What I learned to say whenever asked what are you do” I’m studying Eastern Warfare Techniques- guerilla warfare. One source is The Art of War by Sun-Tzu in a 1994 translation of this Chinese writer. One can only image the reactions from those that asked me the question. 

March 27, 2000

                I received in the mail this day a letter dated March 19, 2000 which was a form letter for the Mass of Holy Chrism at St. Paul’s Cathedral of April 10^th.It was the typical generic form of “Dear Father.” I was sent only the letter. It said for me to return enclosed respond card about attendance and “I ask that all pastors appoint TWO parish representatives to take part in the liturgy and to receive the Holy Oils in the name of the parish. All parish representatives are invited to a special luncheon buffet….”23a

                I did nothing because I was confused to the overall message. Here it was three days before the deadline of the “respond card” for March 30^th and the envelope addressing in different type as last minute mailing. This had me wondering on what list I was on and who was actually sending this out. Was it mind games? Here the Diocese had me in isolation of no contact and I get this. Yet this letter comes out of the Chancery to me. God forbid that this may have the finger prints of the other person that was originally allegations with me and the Diocese had his name removed. This individual would have had access to this form letter of “Dear Father.” There have been such developments with DNA and fingerprints of late that this letter is available for evidence in my footnote file.  

April 1, 2000

                Separation Anxiety Disorder: I wondered each time in my quarterly visit to Hartford with Dr. Zeman what he billed the Diocese for statement. The reason I thought about this today because on the Today Show on NBC there was a psychologist speaking about this and other disorders. In that I was removed from my Pastorship and not doing any of my ministries, I listened carefully to this discussion. Well, if that is what the professionals did write-up, I was looking at the “justice” issue.

                I was reading The Changing Face of the Priesthood: a Reflection on the Priest’s Crisis of Soul by Fr. Donald Cozzens. Cozzens’ writes: “So what, it may be asked, if the Catholic Church is developing a heavily homosexual priesthood?” He continues “They (gays) tend to be men who are nurturing, intelligent, talented, and sensitive-qualities especially suited to ministry. Often they excel as liturgist and homilists. Without question gay priests minister creatively and effectively at every level of pastoral leadership. The vast majority keep their orientating to themselves. Perceptive parents and siblings may suspect, but in most cases let the matter rest. Is homosexuality really a growing phenomenon in the priesthood or are we simply more aware of it than in past generations past had but the both.”24 Boys! I know I had to get this book and read it a number of times to say to myself that it was not just me struggling with normalcy.

                This was finally being written about in the public market. All of my time in the seminary, this was never talked about in any manner. But, when Bill Jacobs wrote the article about me as “The Rare One” in 1970, he had one line that connected to my 1993 experience in that he wrote “I hope they (Church authorities) don’t mange to bury him. He’d better make it.”25 Well, this may be part of what had happened and continued to happen. It was reported in this work that not infrequently, the sexual contact and romantic unions among gay seminarians created intense and complicated webs of intrigue and jealousy producing considerable inner conflict. It went on to say that a straight seminarian felt out of place with inner destabilization. I had handled it was getting out of the seminary or rectory any opportunity I was able to by dong pastoral (parish) ministry. I was more with parishioners than clerical types. One didn’t ask questions of many things in that period of time. It was as though I went back to the seminary or rectory only to sleep. I didn’t realize the issues of “burn-out.” Yet, a number of people were trying to give me a wake-up call. These people were not clerics.

                The National Catholic Reporter even wrote about Donald Cozzen’s book entitled The Changing Face of the Priesthood. I recalled hearing from a priest that he hoped his brother priest and his bishop will appreciate his big purpose with this book and come to his defense if necessary. Cozzens work asks the question if the priesthood is on its way to becoming a “gay profession.”26 This was the year 2000. What do you think I was in school with in the 1960’s and ministry since May 23, 1970?

Tom Roberts wrote on March 31, 2000 in The National catholic Reporter the article “Painful, purifying dark night,” on Cozzen’s book. Roberts’s states in this article the he immediately went to Chapter 7 entitled “Considering Orientation.” He continued in this article of Cozzen’s question of being on the way to becoming a “gay profession.” Roberts writes: “It is a difficult question to ask, first because almost no one in the hierarchical ranks wants anything to do within, and because one can only approach it through a minefield planted wide with homophobes, right-wing zealots who see homosexual clergy as a particularly noxious manifestation of a liberal agenda, and the church’s teaching that the homosexual orientation is ‘objectively disordered.’”27 Cozzen asks “‘what is God’s Spirit saying to us through this most recent crisis?’” 28

This is more of an issue than church authorities or Catholic followers may want to hear or even know about. Try living and working in it at 27/7(3 hours for the Trinity). Would you be able to drink from the same chalice that I drank from in what I have gone through? What about the “straight” seminarian or priest? Is he the oddball or weird one? The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer comes to mind. Time to re-read this work, again.

                The same issue of The National Catholic Reporter (3-31-00) had an article with a picture of Fr. James Gill, S.J. of the Christian Institute for study of Human Sexuality. It reported that the Institute was located in Maryland. Fr. Gill was quoted as saying that he was “distressed at the lack of education on sexuality at the seminary level.”29 The article reported that this Jesuit, priest and psychiatrist, founded a program in Maryland for those who teach prospective priest. The participants in his program learned how to teach and counsel seminary candidates and priest on sexual issues. This same James Gill was at the I.O.L. in Hartford while I was there for my evaluation. The Christian Institute for Study of Human Sexuality was headquartering at the I.O.L., Hartford. I attended a coupe of his sessions which he gave while I was being evaluated. I never spoke with him. But, he had a very dynamic presentation and was highly regarded at the I.O.L. The room that he gave his presentation in which I attended was standing-room only. He, in my opinion, lectured on common sense: ex. Boundaries. 

April 3, 2000

                I visited with the Giza’s in Palmer and was sitting with Stan and Kay in their living room. Mother Giza-Kay who is very quiet and does not say much began by asking me: “What are you dong for work?” Why I even mention this is especially a question like that from her in that she would talk about how I look and if I gained or lost any weight. It was a question that most likely others (her children, relatives, card playing friends) were asking her and Stan about me.

I answered by telling her that I was doing research and writing. She didn’t say anything else. I know I speculating but the people they knew was very interested in my “spiritual development” and what I was doing since I wasn’t in the parish. The gossip mill was operating. But, the Giza’s were not in the gossip circuit. 

April 5, 2000

                The topic of suing was addressed in a local newspaper. Kathleen Parker in the Fitchburg Sentinel & Enterprise wrote a column “Making the easy way in lawsuits.” She covered topics as smoking and taking Vitamin C. But, her line “Oh, please, dear memory abandon me not in my hour of need that I may sue someone and grow rich. Somewhere in my memory bank I recall being…”30 it was and is the ongoing way to become rich by kicking in supposed old memory. This even continued on with the comic strip- Dilbert. It had the dog asking Dilbert: “Remember the time you went skydiving? No. You will. I’m planting false memories in you subconscious. It won’t work. But you believe you went to college, right?”31 It goes on in our present society of lawsuits and recall memory. What is even more surprising is try to defend you in any manner. I was told “You’re guilty till proven innocent.” The game goes on.  

April 7, 2000

                I went for annual medical physical check-up with my doctor. When he entered he asked the regular procedure questions of how I was feeling. If I had any problems or concerns? Then he asked me about my status as a priest and all. He was aware of the article in the newspaper about my allegation. He continued to talk and said if anything of what I was alleged with that I would be in jail. The doctor then said that “You are not there.” Then. He began talking about himself and how concerned he is about his profession and being allegated. He told me that especially with women examinations. He has his nurse assistant with him at al times while he examines any woman. He said he follows a definite procedure with all his patients but with women he is most specific in documenting everything. Then he says that he hears things from patients that I would not believe.

                I wondered what that was al about? But, I didn’t have anything else or surprising to tell him about my health, allegation case or that matter anything besides being my medical doctor. What I should have told the doctor was that discipline and quiet perseverance will ensure last effect. Good night!  

April 10, 2000

                I received a letter from Bishop Reilly. It was enclosed in green stationary and return address. There is a different “personal” letter from the bishop which is in black stationary and return address. One learns this whenever any Chancery mail arrives. But this letter stated that “On May 23,2000m you will observe the thirtieth anniversary of your ordination to Holy Priesthood. It is truly a wonderful day for you and your family for our diocesan family>” It continues: It is also my hope that you will invite your families to join you for both the Mass at the Cathedral and the lunch at Mt. Care.” It had a long form to fill out and which caught my eye that Bishop Reilly sent on March 13^{th mailed} an invited and return card. I didn’t receive this March 13^th letter. I didn’t know what to do. No one has talked with me or anything. Was I going to just walk into the Chrism Mass with alb and with my family? I filled out the form saying I never received the March 13^th invitation and return card nor did plan to attend at this last moment correspondence. I mailed this immediately on April 13^th. It was the famous question of which list was I on and using the “do nothing” judgment. It was another baffling experience of “the game.”32

                I did receive my annual card from Bishop Reilly observing my “thirtieth anniversary of your ordination to the priesthood.”33 

April 28, 2000

                I do immediately in the morning daily Mass (Eucharist) and Divine Office. I follow what I read lately "Pope Paul VI recommended that priest ‘worthily and devoutly offer Mass each day in order that both they and the rest of the faithful may enjoy the benefits that flow so richly from the sacrifice of the cross.’” In addition Mysterium Fidei, No. #23 where Pope John Paul II echoes these words in recalling that the celebration of the Eucharist be the ‘most important moment of the priest’s day, the center of his life,” and urging that ‘priests should be encouraged to celebrate Mass every day, even in the absence of a congregation, since it is an act of Christ, the Church (cf. Ibid. 13 Code of Canon Law, c. 904) This was from the “Ad Lumina” talk to the bishops of Michigan and Ohio on May 21, 1998 and printed in the Newsletter Committee on the Liturgy, Vol. XXXVI, March 2000.

                I’m sure that a number of people wandering what I do each day, most likely would not understand this principle of being a priest. But, it is followed by me by doing Mass alone in “The Cave.”

                In the local newspaper this day had a story about my classmate, Fr. Peter Inzerillo, who was allegated in the same time period as me. The article with picture of rehearsal at Julie Country Day School (Leominster) entitles “Chorale offers Clinton ‘gift.’”  It said “The Montachusett Chorale, under the direction of the Rev. Peter J. Inzerillo, pastor of St. Anthony De Padua Church in Fitchburg will perform this weekend at St. John’s Church, a magnificent Gothic-style cathedral with spectacular acoustics.” It went on to explain “the chorale was formed from St. Anthony’s choir. Rev. Inzarello said, and has just about doubled in size since its creation in 1992, from 25 members to about 50.”

Peter had himself out there and made sure he had publicity. Here I was not sure what to do next or had any idea of what was actually going on in the Diocese or ministry. My eyes in this article did pick-up that he was “pastor of St. Anthony De Padua Church in Fitchburg…”34 A priest of the Diocese said to that Peter was “pastor of St. Anthony’s in his own head or has more friends (supporters) in the Church than we know.”

                This same day I was reading “Following the money: A youthful movement forces public questions on those who do the world’s business in private,” by Raymond A Schroth (Special Report Write) for the National Catholic Reporter. I was interested in reading “Fr. Joe Rozanski joined the Franciscans at 14. His vocation ,how , did not come into a clear, dramatic focus until his 10 years in Brazil when he saw liberation theology at work, and when , as he left to return to the United sated, fellow Franciscan Leonardo Boff told him to study economics when he got home.”35

                I wasn’t at Rozanski’s level of ministry. But, I used the expression “follow the money” many, many times in my class preparations and clergy meetings. It was times that had some very sore facial expressions directed at me. But, I say that this sexual abuse situation is in a large part- follow the money. Now, when I say this I get blank stares given to me. There are a lot of poker player faces that I notice whenever I say- follow the money. 

April 30, 2000

                I was given by my former parish secretary a letter she received from her friend in Hixson, TN and a former member St. Edward’s. This letter stated “Got an e-mail from Tony Tucker there who does the church bulleting- I asked him why the church history ends in 1969 with Fr. Sheehan’s appointment as pastor. He say for 2 reasons: 1. there is o written history beyond that and 2: He does to know how to handle Fr. Kardas’ problems without guidance. Wise decision, I guess.”36

                What become of interest are parish histories or any history is interesting to read because of the slant and the entire writer of the history. This guy mentioned was a resident of Westminster for all the time I was in St. Edward’s. His children were too young for any formal religious education and never occupied a pew for celebration of the Eucharist. He somehow had a “conversion” and began attending Mass with a St. Joseph’s missal in hand and sitting in the first pew in the front. He worked for a local computer company and had quite a reputation on the local town finance committee. But was unknown to the Catholic faith community.  So reading letter that he was doing the parish bulletin and writing a parish history was interesting. By the way, you were an updated parish history written when the parish church renovations and dedication of the new parish faith community center. This was in the parish file, copies at the Worcester Chancery Office parish Resource Center and copies distributed to parishioners in 1991. So, this comment was related to the 25^th Anniversary booklet of 1977. The more interesting point to ask is where was the clerical element at this time in the parish? As I have said a number of times- the game goes on. 

May 1, 2000

                The local newspaper carried the story: “False memoirs do damage: Therapy can induce fictional accounts” by Jane Brody of the New York Ties News Service. The article began” A young woman in psychotherapy recovered the memory that at age 13 she was reaped by her teacher… Still she filed criminal charges against the teacher, who had to spend his life saving to defend himself against the false accusation. Eventually, the court ruled that recovery of a repressed memory lack sufficient scientific foundation to be admissible evidence.”37

                Reading this, what was amazing was that I, nor any priest allegated, were given an opportunity to defend yourself or say anything. The case was closed with an allegation were civil and church authorities just processed as “guilty” and money was played out. Period. As this article spoke of false memories cause heartbreak, nothing was ever done on the rights of the priest-“lower class.”

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