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Come With Me Through The Gates Of Heaven

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Poster Boy Priest

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January 3, 1998

                I had been reflecting the past few days on Bishop Rueger’s letter of December 30, 1997. It was a known fact that I knew too much about a few internal situations of a number of Church people in Worcester that Diocesan personal did not want made public.

I showed this letter to my Spiritual Director who said “Something is wrong with Rueger here.” I had to remind the Spiritual Director that .Rueger was the guy that set-up the cross and provided the spikes and hammer at my cross.

When I spoke in general about Rueger and other issues to Fr. Deibel, he said  “Get out of Dodge City.” This had me recall when I said to Deibel that I always  had youth group members around with me and Deibel responded “They all say that!”, I reacted with amazement in his quick  answer. I, immediately, reacted as such in thought how in 1970, Mr. Bill Jacobs wrote an article about me. This article was entitled “ A Rare One” which Bill Jacobs wrote a weekly column in The National Reporter.  Jacobs wrote “He (Fr. Kardas) went with the young, still gloriously young himself, not to dominate or impose or even counsel. He was simply with them.” 1

So I get the spin put on me. I needed some type of help. The Diocese, with Rueger and Pedone as principle agents, were trying to get rid of me by pushing me out. This letter of Rueger of December 30th had me pushed against a wall.

                If this was telling me anything, it was that I had to re-invent myself. I saw this challenge in the realm of my priesthood.  

January 5, 1998

                When I mentioned this letter of December 30th from Rueger to my Spiritual Director, there was a feeling of self-destruction on my part. The Spiritual Director said that I was not only distancing myself but entangling others if I mentioned this Rueger note.

                I was told by the Spiritual Director to get a ministry and get on with my life.

                I responded that my ministry was the priesthood. I should have taken Dr. Zeman’s advice back when Bishop Reilly wanted my resignation as Pastor of St. Edward’s. Dr. Zeman suggested to me that I should not have resigned my Pastorship and let the Diocese go to Rome for my removal. I reacted that I wanted to be a priest. The priesthood was what I wanted to preserve with the resignation as Pastor. I really did believe that the isolation and all would have ended from my living in “The Cave.” Boy! Was I wrong!

                I had to realize what a Trappist (Cisterican) Monk once said to me: “Our hearts are restless until we find our rest in God.” 

January 7, 1998

                So what did I see happening. During the first part of December Attorney Carey goes to Attorney Goulka for a deposition of Weber. Weber never appears for deposition. Goulka presents a “clsoure” attempt to Carey. I was never told anything about why Weber  had a “no show” for her scheduled deposition. Carey did tell me that “the case fell apart when Weber did not show up for her deposition.” This must have been the meaning of his remark “The Diocese wants to cork the bottle….” What I did know that Rueger was to follow Weber’s deposition and McCormick was to continue her deposition.. Carey never had the opportunity to ask certain questions of Rueger about his role and knowledge of Msgr. Manning,  Fr. Pedone and Bishop Harrington. Harrington would have been the next person to be deposed if the process was allowed to proceed.

                But Attorney Carey must have received a coded message from Goulka about “corking the bottle.” Carey had to finally realize that the money I was receiving for legal fees was a loan form the Diocese. If he persisted, the Diocese would have cut-off any funds of my loan. Therefore, no more money in the funnel. I was told by Carey “The case is closed.” Sign the settlement agreement. Justice?

                The picture was that Rueger, Pedone and especially Harrington would have fallen like  a deck of cars. This might have explained why Harrington reacted to me at the Chirsm Mass in 1995. When I presented by Bishop Reilly, Harrington was seated a couple rows on the left side of me. He turned his whole body towards me in his seat with his “bulldog face” expression. 

                So Carey gives me a hour appointment in his Boston Office to a number of questions that I had. He had abrupt answer for me but no clear answers.. He did say that he was sorry that was all that he was able to do for me. 

                Then Rueger lets go with his December 30th letter at me. The Diocese with their lawyers protected Rueger, Manning, Pedone and Harrington.  Where Rueger lets go with his letter to me  must have had the “blessing” of Bishop Reilly- The Ordinary at this time. Rueger wrote “Bishop Reilly mentioned to me that you might have interest in advanced studies. Frankly, Ted I think you should reflect upon looking into a line of work that would prepare you best to function in the future. But, my perception at the present time is that it might be good fro you to develop skill in another area. I could be wrong on this. It’s just that when Bishop mention it to me I wanted you to know that we would be prepared to help you if you came up with some program in mind. Let me know if there is anything that I can do.” 2

                What came to mind at this time for me was in 1995 when the suit came out on me, Rueger was named in the suit with me- Kardas and Rueger. Rueger offered to resign his position in the media but Reilly refused to hear this. What was that al about on Rueger’s part?

                So was Reilly  in the “cover-up” of the Chancery (Gang) Kabala and the Office of the Bishop?

                The last meeting, which was the second meeting, which Bishop Reilly had with me showed him going through a process of some nature especially with total disregard of my family situation when I mentioned it. This was the disappearance of Molly Bish, who was my first cousin John Bish’s daughter. Molly was my cousin. Reilly just disregarded my mentioning it at all. I’m still convinced that this meeting was being video taped without being informed. I speculate but this meeting was a “formal” meeting that he had to have as a Bishop according to Canon Law. The question begs “For what?” I might never know.  

                Yet, through all of this my Canon Lawyer (my advocate), Fr. David Deibel informed me “Get out of Dodge City .”               

January 22, 1998

                An article appeared about “Vet Sue Times Over Article on Dog,” on this day in The Register: Cape Cod Weekly Newspaper on this day on front page. . What was reported was “this raises significant First Amendment issues for a newspaper that’s trying to report on matters being brought before a court of the commonwealth.-Attorney Elizabeth Ritvo.” 3

                A suit was brought against the Cape Cod Times in Barnstable (MA) Superior Court claiming that the media can be held financially responsible for publicizing unproved accusations contained in civil complaints. And two First Amendment legal experts are saying the case could have gone all the way to the state’s higher court.

                Yarmouthport veterinarian Mark T. Reilly filed the suit Jan. 8 (’98) claiming his reputation was damaged by an article the (Cape Cod)Times published on Jan.,17, 1995.

                So much of this was comparable to what the Worcester Telegram & Gazette did to me. I tired to get my lawyer and all to investigate what I had in this article and my case. 4  I never heard anything , again. 

January 23, 1998

                There was a article in the National Catholic Reporter about “12 to sue priest, Peoria diocese; ultra-right group tied to case,” that wrote about an ulta-right group called “roman Catholic Faithful (RCF).” It explains how this type of group claimed “to fight actively and spiritually to restore Holy Mother Church.” It further that a spokesperson for the Springfield (MO) Diocese said, “I think they (RCF) are sad, angry, injured people.” 5  The Worcester Diocese had somewhat of this type of group with a Richard Blanchard of Athol, Massachusetts.  Blanchard’s group was very adamant especially with Bishop Harrington.   

January 25, 1998

                When I began writing this journal in Hartford, I was continuing what I did every evening to prepare a short homily for the weekday Masses that I offered each morning. When I was in Hartford (IOL) for mandated evaluation, I stopped at CVS to get a small subject notebook. I was staying at the Seminary in Bloomfield, Conn. So during the evenings, I would write down my daily reflections. I kept this going so that I had some idea of things developing and being able to recall events.

                I was reflecting how these allegations against my moral character. I felt that certain individuals were painting by the numbers on my situation.

                This daily journal, also, helped me recall events that occurred but I didn’t fully write down on the particular day.

                One of these events was when I was called into the Bishop’s Residence for one of those notorious Harrington sessions which was in August and Rueger started with a remark that “The Diocese expected a thousand people outside the Bishop’s Residence on Fr. Roberge leaving St. Edward’s and expecting me back as Pastor.”

This was a technique that Rueger would do at certain times. He did push  his actors button and this was a classic time to get at me. I recalled that I just stared at him. My expression was to say “Are you done?”

A few other remarks that I recall from this same session was Rueger saying ”Each morning paper, I open to see if another priest has his name in print.” Who are we kidding. He works in the Chancery and knew inside information. . Then I had to hear from him explain how Fr. Roberge “jumped the gun” on announcing that he was being assigned to be Chaplain at Worcester State College.

Rueger was in rare form during this whole session with Fr. Stephen Pedon (Vicar for Canon Law) and myself. Rueger was dong his nickname character that other priest had for him- Carol Channing. It was an experience. But, I had to put this recall in my journal. 

January 28, 1998

                Bishop Bernard Flanagan died this day. Fr. Gamache said to me “Bishop Flanagan was the last real Bishop of the Diocese of Worcester.” Bishop Flanagan was my ordaining Bishop on May 23, 1970. He was a classy person. Eternal Rest Grant Unto him O’ Lord!  

February 4, 1998

                This day and the next had the Worcester Telegram & Gazette front page with “Bishop’s goodness remembered,” and then “Farewell, Bishop Flanagan.” 6

                The Worcester Telegram & Gazette wrote significant article portraying Bishop Flanagan. It was good reading.  

February 5, 1998

                I had a meeting in Shrewsbury with my tax man- Joseph Simincini. We were talking about things I may be with taxes. Then Joe stated telling me about my case and what he had heard from other priest that he golfs with. I sat and listened because Joe was “tracking” my situation in Worcester. He mentioned that Fr. Jim O’Shea goes with him and 15 other guys in the winter for golfing. He said the guys give Fr. O’Shea a “Scholarship” to make up the group of 16 . What he nicely told me was that the group of golfers pairs for Fr. O’Sheas trip. He reminded me that Fr. O’Shea’s brother was a Worcester City Councilor. He, also, told me that Fr. Francis Roberge had a brother on the Worcester Police Force. Joe said there is a lot of politics involved.  But, my story was in the newspaper which gave me notoriety. He told me that it might have come back-up on me if the Diocese tired to place me in another assignment or ministry. Joe said “You are living in a “jail” world. I didn’t say much of anything. I just drove back to my “Cave” with being in such a position.

                Other people, like G. Ronald Leger told me there is a lot of politics in my case. He specially mention Msgr. Tinsley whose brother was, also, a  Worcester City Counselor. Leger met once with Bishop Harrington to talk about my case as a parishioner of St. Edwards’ Msgr. Ed Tinsley sat in with this meeting. I explained to Leger that Bishop Harrington had Tinsley with him in practically everything. A good example was that Tinsley drove Harrington down to Hartford in ’93 to get my resignation.  

February 8, 1998

                I had a scheduled meeting with Dr. Zeman. I mentioned the issue of lack of advocacy in the Church. I definitely had none. Dr. Zeman suggested that I should call Fr. Jim Gill, S.J. who used to be the staff of IOL in Hartford. Dr. Zeman said that Fr. Gill knows the politics of the Church. 

February 13, 1998

                I read an article in The Catholic Free Press of this day “View from the Vatican: A top-level checkup” by Cindy Wooden. This had my interest because I was told in discussion with some priest that at this “ad limina” visit to Rome by the U. S. Bishops. 7  Part of their agenda would address the sex abuse crisis. I did think that this would get me out of my “isolation” that I had to be living. I hoped that by getting the issue on the table there would have been some movement for a hearing of my overall situation. I was wrong, again. It was another situation as in the Cartoon- Peanuts. There is one particular sequence when Lucy is holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. Every time Charlie Brown tires to kick the football, Lucy pulls it away. Charlie Brown falls each time on his back. 

February 14, 1998

                The model that I thought I was facing was similar of the Worcester Diocese operating like in the present White House Crisis- President Clint with Monica Lewinsky. The White House Crisis had a Special Prosecutor- Kenneth Starr I Bishop Rueger with Msgr. Tinsley and Fr. Pedone).

                I wondered whatever happened to the Diocesan Review Board that was established by Bishop Reilly concerning priest abuse. But, the thought prevailed with Ruegar as the Kenneth Star of Worcester Diocese.

                I was waking-up at 3:00 A.M. as an alarm clock where I toss and turn for another hour before falling back to sleep. I, also notice that I had my famous back-pain where I was not able to move normally. It was similar to the times that I had Bishop Harrington coming to the parish  for a Confirmation ceremony. 

February 17, 1998

               Fr. Charland seemed to protect himself at the parish with “Respect his (Fr. Kardas) privacy.” This line was used by Rueger and a number of the Chancery Gang. They didn’t want any contact with me. I realize this is a very common expression used by many. But, this group in the Diocese have used it for a certain spin.

                This phrase was more of smoke screen  from the Diocese for a screw-up and violation of my rights. What was happening was personalities dominated any principles. If “respect his privacy,” why were there so many stories (rumors) flying about me.

                What was strange was that I felt as I was being used  as a “lighting rod” for certain people. But, I was even told that “they are protecting your privacy.”

                One example was that the clerical talk was that I was controlling the parish This was a lie. I was extremely careful with this issue of “undermining the Bishop” in my isolation. What did those that spread such a rumor think that I was controlling the parish today, the world tomorrow. This is not my character.

                But, I do know that I wanted to get my issue on the table. I did keep mentioning to my Team that there should be a cross-examination of the two girls that made the allegations against me.

                This day, I read in a local paper about Fr. Peter Inzerillo. But this time, I read it was not anything about sexual abuse. It was about Inzerillo  running a chorale group.

                I take the road of remaining somewhat obscure because of my case. Inzereillo, who also had been allegated,  goes and hits the public route. For the holidays of Christmas and Easter, he does group performances. He is quote in the Sentinel & Enterprise “We do a fund-raising campaign for ourselves by letter writing, so that when we sing, we can give over the entire proceeds to the charity we’ve selected.” The paper title the article “Chorale with a Cause:: Montachusett Chorale put ‘fun’ in fund-raising.” 8

                What I observed at this time was Inzello’s Chorale was called the “Montachusett Chorale.” It was up to this time called the “St. Anthony Choarle.” There was a change in name. Somebody clipped Inzelleo for such a thing to be done. Believe me, I’m watching this Inzello case more than maybe a lot of others were. The reason was that I knew he was part of The Chancery Gang by his being the Director of Vocations. Well see.

                It gets interesting watching certain priest operate. This was neither my style oropus operandi in the parish or even on Administrative Leave. What I was also watching was how the Diocese would handle Inzello operating as such. If I ever tried anything public, the Diocese most likely would have sent the Vicar for Clergy (Picclomini) to talk to me.         

February 19, 1998

                Conne Rivard received a note from Mrs. Gail Robinson which was interesting to a rumor that was circulating that I was receiving help from parishioners. Mrs. Robinson tired a few years back to get a 20/20 Club to help me. I, immediately, tried to curb this because of what the Chancery might have done by “the undermining the Bishop” perspective.

                What was directed on this was that I suggested if anything to help financially be offering for me to say Masses. So, it was handled that anything donated would be for Masses. It was finally organized by having  ten people giving into this assistance.

                What I did was offer Mass for each of them each month. I did daily Mass in private of my room.

But after I resigned my Pastorship, this assistance stopped. It was appreciated because I did not have access to any Mass Stipends.

February 20, 1998

                I noticed in my writing that there were times that I didn’t put certain points because I thought they were too raw and private to share with others.  I thought I was flexible and patient. But, I was feeling that as an alleged priest  was similar as an abused prisoner. But, I had a new inner freedom, a hew hope and a new creativity. One thing then came to mind was how a new spiritual freedom often required a spiritual battle.  

                While attending AA meeting, I heard “Only God could give me what I deserved.” I don’t go with this type of philosophy. I realized that I have to do it, get it and then deal with it.

                I notice lately that old friends reacquainted with me and entered into. But, what I suspected was these people only wanted to get an update of where I was at. More of a nosey get together. It felt as though they wanted information for themselves. They really didn’t care that much about me personally. Why I can say that is that I wasn’t getting calls or holiday cards from these re-acquainted people.  

February 28, 1998

                The last time I spoke with Attorney Carey, I noticed an interesting reaction from Carey with a number of questions I was hitting him with. He reacted to me by saying “You’re lucky you don’t have the sheriff at your door!” He popped this as a quick angry slip.

                I only was asking questions that were pertaining to my situation. But, what I was trying to find out was what being done on my behalf. Carey reaction had me wondering of what was really going down.

                I read an article in America, dated this day, entitled “Confessions of a Canonist.” What I read was directed from having a Fr. Lynch, who died, then Fr. Bowen, who was not actually representing me. The article stated “A balance is sought between those in the church who would like to have law completely expunged from ecclesial life and the other extreme that regards canon as handy hammers for use against recalcitrant violations of approved practices and procedures. Most canon lawyers, however, see the law as a vehicle for preserving and protecting those parts of the institutional church that are needed to provide a certain stability in living out the Christian community. They also realize that the law must respect the ability of mature people to make responsible decisions as they respond  to the call of Christ to live the Christian message.” 10

                When I read this I had to realize that I was dealing with both civil and canon law. My issue was my priesthood. So, when I read about the “hammer” aspect, it came to mind immediately what Bishop Harrington began his first meeting with me of “Your guilty till proven innocent.”

                I read here that “Most canon lawyers….” phrase. 11  My experience was Fr. Lynch doing everything to defend my right, Fr. Bowen just going through the motions of representing me and Dr. Deibel saying “Get out of Dodge City.” Then I had to be humiliated by Fr. F. Stephen Pedone with his finger pushed into my chest telling me “Resignation (letter) tomorrow!”

                Yet, I read in this article “They also realize that the law must respect the ability of mature people to make responsible decisions as they respond to the call of Christ to live the Christian message.” 12

                This was very much missing in the Diocese of Worcester and my case. All my life was dedicated to the ministry of the Church especially as a priest.  The Diocese of Worcester used me as the “Poster Boy Priest.”

                I recalled a key point at this time where Dr. Zeman was asked for another written evaluation on me. He told the Diocese that he would not change one word from the original evaluation. But, nothing happened. Just wait. I was told by the Diocese “We’ll call you.” 

March 2, 1998

                I traveled to Cambridge (Boston) to meet with Msgr. Jim Mangellozzo at Weston (School of Theology). Jim is a priest of the Diocese of Worcester who is dong graduate work at Weston. I wanted to get information from him about the school and what it had to offer me for a possible sabbatical.

                Jack and Joan Keena drove me Cambridge- Harvard Square. Jim gave us a tour of the school – Weston.  After the tour, Jack had other things he wanted to do. So, Jim and myself were able to have a coffee to talk.

                I mentioned a few things about my particulars and hopes. I mentioned how in the Diocese of Worcester, there is character assassination constantly going on. Jim made a remark that was penetrating: “Our priest are like crabs in a bucket. When almost climbing out, the others grab the crab back into the pit.”

He said that that the Worcester Diocese seemed to constantly leak information about priest. He related that this kind of talk was constantly being done.

                Jim told me that he knew nothing of my particulars. He made it a point to tell me that he does not read the Worcester papers.

                I did mention about me attending Bishop Flanagan’s wake and funeral with Rueger in my face with a few comments that were directed at me to be very defensive. Jim said that was Rueger’s style. I had to remind Jin that I was referring to the physical nature of trying to sniff my breath.

                Jim was most supportive towards me trying to get permission to attend classes at Weston. But, he was very uncomfortable with what was happening in Worcester.

The coffee that we shared in the school cafeteria had him very uncomfortable. But, he always spoke about the Worcester Gang very professionally. But, there was something much more in his concern for me to be able to get some classes at Weston.   

March 3, 1998

                I received the regular mailing to priest for Mass of Chrism (April 7th) at St. Paul’s Cathedral. 13 The envelope had a stick-on label to the Palmer address. The Chancery knew I was living in a studio apartment in Gardner for almost four years. The Chancery did have my change of address. I received my monthly stipend at the Gardner address. I did attend. It was good to see some of my fellow priest and classmates.

                I recalled how in 1995 at the Chrism Mass which was my 25th Anniversary Group and Bishop Harrington. Bishop Reilly had my class vested and seated in the sanctuary. Also seated in this area was Bishop Harrington. When my name was announced by Bishop Reilly, I stood. In the corner of my eye, I noticed Bishop Harrington turned his body in his seat with a deep penetrating stare. I recalled that stare where I kept focused on Bishop Reilly who said “The young looks of our priest is so good to see.”

                But, Harrington remained in the same position looking at me with his “bulldog” facial expression.

                I sat after my name was called thinking of Harrington’s stare and was thinking that he was not anymore my boss, landlord and god. He had an aspect of poser that was portrayed in the model I had described that was characterized in his treatment of myself and a number of priests.

                What I didn’t realize was that this was the last such invite that I was to receive.

                What I did recall was how Bishop Harrington said to me in 1993 that my case would take five years to settle and get through this. We were at the five year mark.

                I read this day in a local newspaper “G. E. plant to close” in Fitchburg. 14  This brought to mind how Rueger threw out at me in March of 1993 how my “story is all over G. E. in Fitchburg.” When I heard this, it didn’t make sense to me. But, after a while the Carol McCormick, Bob Chatrand and Msgr. Collete were in the story.

                So, what was happening now to Carol McCormick, Bob Chatrand and Msgr. Collette? I was asking this because I was never able to say anything or get anyone to question these individuals about first the allegation or character assignation.

                What I was able to find out was that McCromick became married, Chatrand became a member of the Dire Department in Westminster and Collette retired to the elaborate retirement annex which the Diocese had in Shrewsbury.

                I was told to go away and we (Diocese) will call you. I waited. 

March 4, 1998

                An article appeared in the area paper at this time about “repressed memory.” The story was from Providence, R.I stating ”The theory of repressed memory is on trail in a Providence court.” The article had reference how in 1994 there was a conviction of sexually molesting the daughter of a girlfriend. “Quattrocchi’s  case was the first in R.I. based on an accuser’s supposed recovered memory.” 15                

                What was interesting to read from this article was “But during the hearing two member of Barden’s team contended that the woman’s therapist, doctor and mother all planted suggestions that there were memories of abuse she was supposed to remember.” 16 

March 10, 1998

                I maintained a two meeting a week AA schedule. This meeting the chairperson asked me to have a topic. I mentioned “Fear.” I wanted to hear others share their insights on this. I did not want to have a gloom and doom  or laughing-jack development in the group. The group was off and ruining with the first person saying the definition from AA Big Book: Fear is the lack of faith. Another person spoke that “fear” is addressed all through the Big Book. I experienced a good meeting with the members sharing and offering support. 

March 20, 1998

                What was being reported on the national scene was the Dallas case of Fr. Rudolph Los. The National Catholic Reporter had the story as “Three in Bos case settle for $7.5 million.” But, when I read in this article “tony Migini, 26, one of the three plaintiffs involved in the settlement, said he didn’t want the diocese to be crippled by the payments. ‘We feel we got our point across, ‘ he told The Dallas Monitor News. ‘The church does a lot of goof things. I think they needed to hear our message loud and clear, and I think they did.’” 17

                When I read this article, I immediately thought of Weber doing the same thing on the Diocese of Worcester. She played her allegation out until it was time for her to give her disposition under oath. She never showed up and had the lawyers waiting. Then the lawyers began s closure procedure.

                Meanwhile, I was sitting in limbo. The phrase of Bishop Harrington saying that I was “Guilty till  proven innocent” resonated in my head.  

March 21. 1998

                When I talked with a number of priest in the Diocese said how Bishop Rueger was the Kenneth Star (Washington Republican Prosecutor). Rueger had a reputation with some priest of  watching what one said to him. It was an interesting insight. I was not the only won that had this observation about Rueger.

                It was enough for me to re-read Fr. Deibel’s article in The Priest magazine of July, 1997about the sex abuse crisis entitled “The Unforgivable Sin.” 18. He related the issues that I felt were part of my roller coaster ride. I felt at times fear, pain anger, frustration, resentment, despair, abandonment and mistrust. Besides this, I maintained an image of watching the sail and keeping my hand on the rudder.

                The talk around the area was that “Ted is being taken care of by the Diocese.” Msgr. Tom Needhan and Bishop Rueger told this same story to Bob O’Brien at his Hot Dog truck in West Boylston.

                Oh? The Diocese was “taking care” of me, alright. These qualities I had previously described were now a part of my life. But, they are part and had been part of my life. I am, always, learning.  

March 24, 1998

                I was concerned with the issue of the media and how to handle any questions that a reporter may  ask me if approached. I wondered if I may get a phone call or reporter attempting to get a statement from me.  What about having to talk in public about my particulars?

                What I understood, at this time, was the Diocese prevented me from participating in any  specialized priestly ministry. It prevented me from persuing employment in virtually any area.  What else was I able to do especially with “notoriety” of my story printed in the newspaper.

I did find out that Worcester Diocese says that a priest on Administrative Leave would be able to do “part time” work. If a priest takes a full time job, it is a different matter. What that means most likely is that this priest would lose his health and retirement package.

This is the unwritten policy of Worcester. But, other Diocese in our country have different policies and approaches.

                I was taking everything I was able to take from the Diocese. They, actually, slammed the door on my priesthood by telling me to “wait for us  to call you.”

                I have never had a chance to defend myself besides the Bishop with his Chancery Gone Squad intergrading me. I never had any advocate with me at any time in these interrogations.

                The question I had at this time was:” Did Attorney Carey have me sign my own “death warrant” (Settlement)?

                I realized that Bishop Rueger tainted the suite with this conflict situation. When I resigned my Pastorship, I felt I was forced. The Diocese abused Canon Law in the overall format and procedure. Yet, my Canon Lawyer- Fr. Deibel did not advise me or defend me at this point with the Worcester Diocese.  I felt as a classic-hatched, matched, dispatched case.

March 25, 1998

                I visited with Don and Angie McClain in Worcester for coffee. We knew each other from St. George's Parish when I was assigned there as a newly ordained priest. Angie did teach for me in the parish religious education program (CCD). Don worked at Holy Cross in administration.

Don shared a number of insights from a administrative viewpoint. He said: “You have two things against you- accusations and alcohol . You have to retool yourself. Get into a degree program. Fr. Jim Gill, SJ is able to say things, you can not. . Bishop Rueger sees you as explosive.”

 When he mentioned Rueger, I internally felt that this “coffee invitation” was a set-up by the Worcester Chancery on me. It was so strange that Don had a number of specifics to relate to me. What was also interesting that his wife Angie went to another part of the house when he started speaking to me.

                I guess I will never know. The McClains’ did keep sending me a Christmas card. But, I did know that they kept in contact with Rueger as personal friends because Rueger was in residence at St. George's Rectory in the ‘70’s.

There is the possibility that Rueger was using this contact to influence me to leave. Especially, when Don McClain said to me: “ 

March 26, 1998

                I realized at this time that I had to be more confrontive to the Diocese and others about these two allegation against me. They were allegations and people were using my previous drinking against me. The allegations were not true and I haven’t been drinking for some 20 years.

                Then I was told that the new Temporary Administrator of St. Edward’s, Fr. George Charland, didn’t want to hear anything that went on before in the parish. The parish staff tried talked about not being able to get through any issues of what was done in the past. Charland wanted nothing of what was before. He even told Connie Rivard that St. Edward’s was a whole new parish and nothing was going to be the way it was.

                Basically what that pertained too: Forget the R.C.I.A, (Rite of Christian Initiation) Model, especially Mystagoigia , Lay Presiders. Parish Pastoral Council. Collaboration, Sacraments were not to be a separate tract but part of religious education and the spirit of Vatican II.

The parish staff related how they felt they were put into a box and were not allowed to get out . It was observed due to one staff member- Mrs. Pamela Swedberg who seemed to power play over everyone and any policies that were established at St. Edward’s. The staff had to operate in an atmosphere that was described as Swedberg giving the first story to Fr. Charland as false stories and twisted accounts. Who knew that the parish staff was not able to get anyone to sit and must listen to them?

                I recalled how previously that Pam Swedberg had a code name- Mother Superior. She acted and portrayed that characteristic in manner and talk. But, after my departure, it all flourished in a power and control manner. 

March 29, 1998

                Interesting how different people were dealing with me. I had the G. Ronald Leger experience in helping me and then no contact. Now, I was watching Father Gamache doing a “dance” around me. It seemed for the past few years, Gamache picked me up for the Chrism Mass at the Cathedral. But, this time, he says to me that he had some parishioners from his parish to go to the Cathedral for the oils. This was a diversion scheme on his part. He, never, had anyone get his parish oils.

So, what may we had happening was the Gamache watching out for himself in his classic form. He used to have Fr. Gerry Branconia doing Masses whenever Gamache was on his time-off. Well, a few weeks previously, he started talking about Branonia in a negative light. It seemed that whenever Branonia said Mass, Gamache’s parishioners spoke very formativately of him and his Mass. A few parishioners commented to Gamache about this. Well, it was the end of Fr. Branonia doing Mass in Winchendon. Besides

This, Gamache told me me that Branconia spoke with Fr. Baker in Gardner frequently.

                So, Gamache most likely was setting himself up at this particular time for a weekend replacement priest. There were not many priest on what was called the weekend “circuit” to do parish Masses. But, Gamache knew about Fr. Franis Roberge who would have attended the Christmas Mass due to celebrating an ordination anniversary. Gamache would have tried to groom Roberge to do Masses for him in Winchendon.  I had to remember that Roberge was replacing me at St. Edward’s. Then, he went another way. Therefore, I did not have a ride. 

                There were a number of people that acted in a similar fashion like Gamache. I was thinking that I should disperse sweet little rose peddles on these people. 

April 1, 1998

                I contacted Representative Harold Lane of Holden concerning information about the case of Cape Cod Veterinarian suing the local newspaper on defamation of character suite.

                We had breakfast in Holden one morning at Friendly’s on April 24th. He was not able to get me any information pertaining to what I was seeking. But, we talked in general. I knew him from the days of being at St. George's parish which was part of Holden and he was school principal at Wachusett Regional High School. We did work on a number of joint programs during that time.  

April 10, 1998

                During this Lenten Season, I reflected on the crucified cross giving me life, suffering, love, victory. My prayer during this Lent was: O God, just save me from your people because of the system (power and authority).

                Then I recalled Eugene Andrews telling me how Bishop Harrington told him: “If he (Harrington) told the truth about the priesthood, he wouldn’t get any priest.” Figure that one. 

April 12, 1998

                I celebrated Easter in my own way without a Faith Community.. I knew I wanted only to be the priest that I was ordained to be. There was nothing that I was interested in besides doing pastoral work.  

April 13, 1998

                I was reflecting about my next appointment with Dr. Zeman. I was realizing that Zeman was my my only contact with the Diocese of Worcester. Therefore, I used the approach of  of wanting to re-assert my rights.

                I recalled one story told me of the Church operated in a black room and wanted one to find the black cat. 

April 16, 1998

                I visited Dr. Zeman for my next scheduled appointment. I began with the issue of my rights. Dr. Zeman came right back at me. He said that I was going to have to swallow a bitter pill. He told me that the Diocese was not going to put me back in anything. Then he asked me “What can you do?”

                I said that I wanted to fight the  false allegations. Zeman said that I would next a lot of money to do that. He. also, reminded me that it would be very difficult to go up against the Catholic Church as such.

He did tell me that it was too bad that my case went to he public print.

                I then asked Dr. Zeman if he had spoken to the Diocese about my case. He answered that it had been some two to three years since speaking about my case.  He then told me that I was not able to actually face my issue until a year ago. He then said that I had to do something my “self esteem.”

                I realized that I had to set a goal. I needed to definite and develop my creativity.

                But, I had to realize that with Bishop Reilly, it seemed he was as a banjo player- he plucked, we twanged. 

May 2, 1998

                What I was realizing in church work how personalities were dominate over principles. Again, I heard from Connie Rivard that she asked Fr. Charland when the parishioners were going to get parish financial report. He answered her that St. Edward’s was not the parish that she knew before. The coded message was that the pastor decided everything and what he wanted to do was it. Since Vatican II, there was much more consultation, collaboration and openness. It seemed that anything as such was a thing of the past especially ministers working as a “Team.”

This was a fundamental bases because of Baptism. The R.C.I.A. explicitly directed all in the direction that we, in the Church, are all equal due to Baptism. Then, we carry out our individual ministries. . So, when you hear of what Fr. Charland was saying, all type of red flags would go up. What this means is back to the vertical/authoritative model against the horizontal approach.

This follows through with rumor that I heard that Bishop Harrington was “cleaning-off the plate” before his retirement. This showed the manipulation the Diocese was using. But, the Church was operating in the vertical model of “Sole Cooperation.” Which suggested a totalitarianism- one man system.

Besides this, I was hearing in the Deanery how a few Pastors were going back to the Grade level approach to sacraments instead of the Two Level format. One Pastor told me that  his Religious Sister Coordinator “just doesn’t get it.” So, he was going back to the Grade Level format. What I knew was that the Two Level approach had a separate format of candidates readiness besides religious education classes. It did mean more work on everyone’s part. But, it strengthened all aspects of the Church. But, this was a “dead letter.” Mu famosu art poster of the “Gas Station” vs. the “Faith community”  gad the “Gas Station” winning. It was back to the easier rout by just driving-up, telling the attendant to fill it up and drive away. Sad.

                A number of people were wondering why I don’t counter-sue or even sue Bishop Harrington for going after me. I, as a  priest, am not allowed to sue one’s Bishop. The other situation was that you need money to sue. I am not in that class of finances.  

May 3, 1998

                The atmosphere at this time was such that even the TV program “Nothing Sacred” about a parish in an inner city setting had a show already in the “can” involving Fr. Leo being accused of sexual abuse.  The show was on ABC, Thursday s at 8 P.M. “ ‘Nothing Sacred’ looks kike the best television series ever produced about the rich and often complicated lives of American Catholics.” 19This particular program  was titled “The Sleeping dog” episode about Fr. Leo being allegated. There were five programs made on this but never shown. 

May 4, 1998

                I had coffee with one of my high school classmates who I didn’t see for a number of years. He was working for the Church and wanted to talk with me.  He was not a priest. He was looking to find out how I was doing with my case. I realized he was “fishing” for information. But, he did say how that I was working in a very interesting “special cliques.”  It was his phrase that had me thinking. What was he trying to get across to me.

                Then I recalled one particular sequence of events that had me open my eyes. This was when I was appointed to the DEF (Diocesan Expansion Fund) Committee. The appointment was for three years. It was the Diocesan loan committee for parish projects. I realized that serving on this was only an advisory capacity.

                A number of times, I recalled how Bishop Rueger who was an ex-officio member pushed things through without the committee having anything to say or allowed to react in any manner.

                One specific example was when the pastor from St. Leo’s, Leominster came to the DEF for a parish loan. This priest was totally unprepared for anything at this particular session. We began to ask a few questions and he was unable to answer any of them. Rueger came forward to “cover-up”  for this guy. The Committee didn’t get a chance to vote. I recalled how Rueger just thanked the Pastor for coming to the Committee and escorted him out of the meeting room.  Next! I read in the minutes that the loan was  granted.

                Then I got thinking how there was a number of other cases that were handled in this manner by Rueger. I wondered why even have a committee and take up my time or anyone's time. I got to realize that the “special clique” thing prevailed and that was that. I became more and more that the “special clique” group were “sealing themselves in” with the “dragnet going through the water” that I was caught in.

                This was one area that I had to endure. But, the “speical clique” aspect was in full glow. 

May 8, 1998

                I realized with my ordination that the Bishop of the Diocese was in charge. It was my impression that Bishop Harrington was “cleaning off his plate.” This was the clergy talk in the Diocese. I had other impressions going through my mind contrary to this type of thinking.

                Harrington had a certain way of conducting business that was improper and unpredictable in a work ethics. A new era was being shown by him of applying absolute rules and attending punishment. The aspect of reputation did not carry much significance in how he treated his priest- that is certain priest.. One primary example was how he called me over at the Confirmation Dinner while a number of priest were seated at a restaurant in Leominster group by saying “Hej! Polack! Come here.” It was a very derogatory remark addressed at me. I didn’t say anything but was thinking to answer him that I am an American of Polish ancestry but was concerned of what he might do next to me.  This exemplified how the Church was a totalitarianism society- one man system that expresses certain dangers.

                I recall reading during this time how a Cardinal from Washington D.C. told a reporter that although the protocol  had lessened over the years, many bishops still hesitate to give full details about their conversations with the pope (John Paul II) during their private meetings. The Cardinal said he did not think it was appropriate to be too specific about his last meeting with the people. After a private meeting, he said “you’re only supposed to quote the pope  when he tells a joke.”

                What came to mind with everything going on was the five year concept. One of those notorious meetings at the Bishop’s Residence had Bishop Harrington make the statement that “It will take 5 years”

It was almost 5 years to the day.

                I had no advocacy to talk with in handling what was happening with me. I even had to hear on a phone call from Fr. Stephen Pedone, Diocesan Canonical Vicar, telling me “Canon Law is all finished for you, Ted!” This call was May 29th. My question was exactly “What was Canon Law over with?” Was it something to do with 5 years to remove a Permanent Pastor (PP) by keeping me out of the parish (Absent Pastor Provision) for 5 year and then the Bishop is able to appointment a new pastor? Or what? I didn’t have any opportunity to defend anything. One must not forget that I was told by Rueger that “We will get in contact with you.” This was the only thing that I was told. I was coerced or shipped-out versus show me that I abandoned the parish. I was waiting to hear from the Bishop who never called me at all. Interesting how Canon Law is used by the Church against a priest. I had to recall that Bishop Harrington told me in  one of those notorious interrogations at his residence that “This is going to take five years.” Here was the 5 year mark. It is an interesting technique used by the Bishop and Canon Law. Absolute authority ? Any parent that ever has a youngster entering the priesthood, religious or consecrated life should know this before any encouragement or parish prayers.

                The point may be proved that my belongings were still in the rectory even if Rueger wrote me a note to remove my belongings with the offer to give me money for storage. It was all a ploy on the Chancery Gang.. I was only following my Canon Lawyer’s advice at that time- Fr. Tom Lynch.

                The atmosphere at this time had even my cousin John J. Bish Sr. telling me that he was listening to a  report of the National Broadcasting  Co. news in March of 1995 (88.5 AM- Worcester Area) with Cocky Roberts and my name was explicitly mention with sexual abuse. Johnny even said “Not many people listen to this station. But, he was driving and almost went off the road.” Johnny can be Johnny.

                I never heard or was able to confirm this by any sources. But, the game of life was being played out by a number of people that knew me.

                This day I stopped at Bob’s Hot Dog Truck in West Boylston. Bob , already, knew all abut the new pastor being appointed to St. Edward’s.  This was an amazing feature of the Worcester Chancery Gang and certain priest in the Diocese of getting things in rumor before anything official or otherwise. 

May 9, 1998

                I was, actually, gong through a “self-evaluation” proves. I guess one might have called this “micro-management.” What I realized that this was a wake up call, again. I needed to 1. Start asking questions that hadn’t been asked  2. Sometimes you do things the same way forever and actually stop paying attention 3. Ask questions that had not been asked in a long time that “Sympathizes with both sides  describes as a ‘medival tale’, story with innuendos but lacking a resolution that satisfies with justice or common sense.” 20

                This carries the message that Attorney Carey told me at our last appointment ”You can re-open  this case (after signing settlement) anytime you want.” It would be great to have money. 

May 17, 1998

                The Atmosphere had the Roman Catholic Diocese of Bridgeport (Conn.) pay $1M for cover-up. The Father Lawrence Brett was the alleged priest that compensatory damages for breaching its duty to parishioners by covering up and failing to investigate claims of sexual abuse by Brett.  This case had the plaintiff saying that he repressed memories of the abuse until 1991, when a conversation with another friend about sexual abuse by Brett touched off a “wave” of recollections. 21

                Things as such a story were already in circulation before the famous “Bob’s Hot Dog” encounter of knowing too much.

                Yet, the media was, also, covering stories as “A new sexual harassment dynamic: In counteroffensive, the accused are now suing their accusers” which was printed in The Boston Globe of May 18, 1998. 22 This article showed a shifting attitudes embolden accused to turn on their accusers. What I was facing was “gulity till proven innocent” syndrome with Bishop Harrington and the Church. What I realized was that my case was “paint-by-the-numbers.” The picture was already sketched by the Church on any and all allegation cases. But, would we see another approach by the Diocese of Worcester?

                I had the stark realization that I had no advocacy anymore.  I wondered and waited for “My Turn.” I never really did get one. I would have been satisfied to only get to present 1/8th of my story. 

May 22, 1998

                I heard an interesting conversation about the Worcester Chancery Building flooding. Actually, this story came out from a Massachusetts Officer through the Western District Worcester County Court that the Chancery flooding was sabotage because the Diocese wanted all of it’s records destroyed. The story went that the Diocese didn’t want to be sued or any cases brought hp against  themselves. 

                Supposedly the Diocese  had hired  a private detective agency to remove all the wet records and then they were destroyed. The talk on the investigation circuit was such action was, actually, a conspiracy on behalf of the Diocese of Worcester.

                There was the follow up that Rueger told the Presbyteral (Priest) Council that no records were ever damaged in the  vault. It is interesting that Rueger even addressed this issue in any manner. The story was that Rueger made it know that any priest would like to review his personal file, he was welcomed to see it. Then, he continued ot say that any priest would be surprised to see how little was in any priest file. My immediate reaction was “What set of personal file are we talking about?” The local news media nor anyone never had anything about this matter. 

                On the sabotage theory, history is sometimes stranger than fiction. Truth is stranger than fantasy.

                This gave  me thought that a section of my story should be entitled: The Other 7/8th of the story.

                What would be most interesting, if I requested a viewing of my file today. I recalled Rueger coming to those “notorious” meeting at the Bishop’s Residence with at least a  6 inch stack of papers. What would he now show me? Better yet, I would have a civil lawyer request them for me. I would ask the lawyer to have them sing a prepared document saying that this was my complete file.

                I was wondering how many times was I crossing the line with my reflections. Was I including too many diverse insights on what the Chancery Gang was doing to me? Was I ticking off some well-connected people in the Worcester Diocese? Was I dangling too many prepositions? Too many unclear antecedents? What was this all about? Really.

                I read an article in Commonweal entitled “The Orthodosy Police” by Peter Feuerherd in the May 22, 1998 issue. He wrote “Well, those are some of the theories that spin around in my head whenever I ask myself, ‘But why? All, I ask is for him-or them??- to step forward and explain how.” Feuerherd was referring to the previous autumn where he found himself up against the vast Catholic orthodoxy police which operates in silence, making secret charges and convincing without asking the accused to know what the accusations were. He summarized “It was Kafaesque.” 23

                Fuerherd was a layman that worked for a Diocesan Catholic newspaper. He wasn’t even near the “clerical” impoundment.  

May 30, 1998

                My Aunt Annie (Anna S. Bish) died this day in Providence House, Southbridge, Massachusetts. She was my mother’s younger sister and the mother of John Bish. She lived next door in the family homestead with my grandmother. She would look after me and her son many times when we I was growing up as a toddler on South Street, West Warren, Massachusetts. 

May 31, 1998

This day an interesting event occurred  in Westminster. Lightning struck the church tower at St. Edward’s a few moments before the 11:00 A.M. Mass.

The lightning strike hit the church tower and damaged the light panel in the church sacristy and shorted the wiring through the main church building. Very strange!

One parishioners told me that God was speaking: “What are you doing to my son, Thaddeus. You People of God.” A new Temporary Administrator was taking on his duties the next day. This was to be Fr. Charland, where this was the last Mass Fr. Roberge was celebrating at St. Edward’s 

 It is interesting. It begs the question: Does God speak through lightning? 

June 1, 1998

My Aunt Annie’s obituary appeared in the local newpaper.  It announced the calling hours (June 1st) and Funeral Mass the next day (June 2nd) at St. Stanislaw BVM Church, West Warren, Massachusetts. 24

What I had to face at this time was that I had not celebrated Mass publicly since leaving the parish to go to Hartford for the evaluation. I was unofficially on Administrative Leave. I never was told or received any correspondence of this  But, I never pushed doing a public Mass where I did celebrate Mass daily and privately in my quarters

So, here I was with my Aunt’s funeral facing me. Other priest that were on Administrative Leave were doing special public Masses with special permission. I never requested anything up to this time. The main reason was that I only wanted to return to my Pastorship at St. Edward’s.

I sat with my cousin John and his wife and Michael Bish in their living room of his home. The conversation was interesting because I never said anything about me saying the Funeral Mass. But, Mickey (Bish) immediately started when we sat down with ”You’ve been gone for so long from town where not many people know you.” What has that got to do with celebrating my Aunt’s Funeral Mass?

Then John, my Aunt’s son, said “You don’t need this on you. Best on your part to just say nothing.” He said that his mother would understand because she knew what the Diocese did to me.

Then, they continued to tell me that they had already had their own organist, singer and Prayer of the Faithful. What I was not surprised about was that they had not contacted the pastor- Fr. Borowski about anything at that time about the funeral.

I was not surprised because they were their own way or the high way.

What was most interesting was that I was going to call the Bishop for permission to do this funeral. I realized that I needed his special permission.  I was going to make the call. But, When I sat with this family group in the living room, I realized that it didn’t matter with them. Actually, I felt that this element of my family rather I did not celebrate the Mass. They were aware that I followed the church guidelines for  liturgy and would not agree with some of their non-liturgical “gimmeks” they going to do. They were gong to do their thing because they would tell you this was their Funeral Mass. Guidelines or not, it was their show. Believe me that was what any priest had to deal with knowing Hon and Maggie.

So, I celebrated a private Mass in my residence for my Aunt’s special intention on her funeral day.  

June 2, 1998

                I noticed that there was literature being printed around this time with copyright dates of 1994 and 1995. The different stores in the media and Catholic publishing houses were flooding with information  about sex abuse.

                My eyes were opening wide to the 1995 date because that was when the newspaper article  about me was printed. It seemed that a certain pattern was evolving with Church authorities in dealing with sex abuse complaints.

                Then I heard about one of the parish “team” members at  St. Edwards going around Westminster saying that she “had a nervous breakdown because of  Fr. Kardas’ situation and how people were treating Fr. Roberge.” She claimed that she was seeing a psychiatrist. This same person had other issues but was blaming everything on my situation and the situation at the parish. I’m sure if she had to show a paper trail of seeing a psychiatrist  and counselor, it would not have been possible.

                Also, I found out that certain individuals at the parish were doing there own thing in ministry. They would adapt certain crisis characteristics that were more about their personality traits than what was actually happening in the parish. These people were “acting” and a coupe of them bloomed with a crisis mode. They knew no more than I did or anyone else at the parish of what was happening concerning me.. But, they wanted people to come to them about the latest gossip. They should have been provided soap boxes to carry around with them to give hourly bulletins.

                But, I had to realize that “group dynamics” has church people no different than any other group in our society. I learned that certain people have other agendas than the ideal of ministry such as looking for clients, paid job positions or plain ego’s in that they have to be seen and recognized. The string was, always, tied to something else around the corner syndrome.

                This was where I challenged parishioners with a poster that read “The Church is not a gas station (Only get what you  want)  but a Faith Community- ministry (Participation).”

                I recalled that when I was working on my M.A at Assumption College,  I did a study on the distinction between religious education voluntaries and those working in similar roles for financial pay. The statistics and research proved no difference. I should have realized at this time that in trying to get people to take their baptismal responsibility to issue in  helping and reaching out to others as part of God’s gift to others.

                But, I realized that with the renewal of the Church that I had to “convert” the people sitting in the pews during  Sunday Mass. Adult education programs were the direction that I was heading the total parish   All the other evangelizing programs that the Church was promoting never begin with the adult faith community as such. But, those sitting in front of me when I preached were the ones that actually needed to be converted. I attempted by promoting what the Church taught with Vatican II in being  conscious, active and fully participating in the mystery of the Eucharist. This was my main goal of being the Pastor of St. Edward’s- in converting first those that were in the pews.

                I, also, tried  to be know as a pastor of understanding, dialogue and moderation. But the R.C.I.A,  which was promoted in 1984 by the Church, was not universally accepted by most clergy. I immersed myself in ministry with this and it proved to be very threatening to my fellow priest brothers and my Diocesan Chancery Gang. 

June 7, 1998

                It was announced that a new pastor would be assigned to St. Edward’s. It was officially announced in the June 12th issue of The Catholic Free Press. I, actually, resigned my parish on August 1, 1997.

                I was told that I had to speak to Connie Rivard about only putting a $1 in the envelope. I was told by a parishioner that this was being used against me by the priest in the rectory and this carried to the Chancery.

                I had nothing to do with such a tactic that Connie was using. Connie had her own mind and way of dealing with the institutional Church before my coming to St. Edward’s. This was Connie’s way of “protesting” which she did before my time at the parish. She was an individual that was a committee of one. There were no other people following her technique. So, if anyone in the rectory tried to say anything about Connie's $1 and connecting me in any way was totally wrong. But, I imagine this fueled a paranoia that certain people in Westminster and the Chancery Office expounded on.

                What this parishioner told me about Connie that “No church envelope would be better.” Connie was Connie. She had previous encounters with Bishops In Worcester concerning St. Edwards. My particulars were not a isolated reaction on her part.

                I realized this day was coming. But, I noticed that the past week I would wake-up at 3:00 a.m.. I was not able to get back to sleep for another hour. I was tossing and turning. I would take my rosary beads that I had on my night table and recite it in where I would lose count in how many times I said a whole rosary. I, also, noticed that I would change my pajama tops at least a couple times a night. This was the same reaction that I had when I was doing my time at IOL, Hartford.

                I received a number of phone calls from different people that I knew, asking how I was doing? I responded with a very careful positive response.

                I recall reading graduation speeches that were printed in the media at this time of the year. I used to see myself giving such a  talk especially with what I experienced. I looked forward to such an occasion but now I realized this would never happen- The Challenge is now!

I read in the news media story of Fr. John L. Geogan of Boston being defrocked as a priest. 25 There was follow up article that I read explaining “By Defrocking accused priest, church deems him incorrigible.” 26  I experienced an anxiety when I heard this and read the story in the newspaper. I felt the energy would be drained from me at such times and I would become weak. 

June 8, 1998

                What became interesting to read with Geoghan’s case was an article in the Boston Herald entitled “Catholics laud decision to defrock accused priest,” which stated “One woman, attending Mass at St. John the Evangelist in Cambridge, who declined to identify herself, questioned the motives of the accusers. ‘I’m not saying the priest was innocent,’ she said ‘But I have to ask why these people didn’t come forward sooner. Going to the authorities who year later makes it look like it’s about money.’ “ 27

                This message was not mentioned very many times at all by the media. Actually, I did not recall reading this again. But, different people did mention the “money” issue. Very interesting.

                Besides this, I thought how different people had their own personal agendas against the Church. Then, there is the issue of personal retributions and cover-ups by others of certain individuals in the system. 

June 10, 1998

                I had lunch with Fr. Gamache. He his peculiar message to share with me by telling me that I did the Sacraments in the parish with “staying power.” He related how the two priest following me were doing their own thing and the other priest was in “happy valley” parish work.

                I realized that I was changing things in the parish. But the Chancery and brother priests were hating me and my work. A number of people I knew in the church had a similar overview message. Now, I was on the sidelines. 

June 11, 1998

                I attended my scheduled appointment with Dr. Zeman in Hartford. I noticed that Dr. Zeman was more specific with a number of remarks. He related  that any work I may find would not be in what I have been trained in. I understood it as I should not even think about dong priest work anymore. It was all over for me as doing priestly ministry. Then, he went on to stress that I should get to do something with my life before I get into anger and other negative issue.

                Dr. Zeman asked me if I was still attending AA. I answered that I was keeping the Tuesday and Thursday meeting in NH because of anonymity. He then asked me if I had any thoughts of self-destruction? I answered absolutely no such thoughts. Then, he asked how I was sleeping? I responded that with the issue of waking-up at 3:00 a.m. and going back to sleep for a couple hours.

                We talked about the role of me as Pastor was never to be. It was a final, concrete situation. Dr. Zeman said that the pain of my lose of my parish  will be a pain that will always be with me.

                I NOTICE Dr. Zeman getting somewhat frustrated talking with me. I wondered if he was getting “squezzed” by the Worcester Chancery to do a “closure.” But, when I was leaving this appointment he related that I may call him anytime for another appointment.

                But, I sensed after this appointment that Dr. Zeman wanted  me to realize that my reflecting and writing time was over. I sensed that he wanted me to know that I had to get out and do something (work).

                I wanted to respond that this is my life. The priesthood for me is a vocation. I, always, had to balance of what is easily understood trained of primary instincts which result in primary drives. The drive for distinctions and power; the drive for security-physical, financial and emotional and the desire to love and be loved were not why I followed the vocation to the priesthood. The priesthood was my life of ministry of service and renewal. 

June 13, 1998

                I finished reading “The Orthodox Police” article in Commonweal by Peter Feuecherd of May 28, 1998.

                It dealt with objectivity and how the Church was handling the abuse situation. It me wondering about my particulars and any type of defense or ability to get my case on the table.

                Peter Feuecherd had me questioning how the Worcester Diocese “delted” me as being blotched out by an airbrush technique that is done to a photo.  Was I dangling too many prep9ostions in my mind? Was I violating some “tenants of orthodoxy” in how the system worked? Was silence on the part of authority the way they operate in the 21st Century?

                I still had no idea what would happen to me or anything about my future? The litmus test was in the question from Dr. Zeman: “Did you drink? Have you been attending AA meetings?”

                All I was seeking was someone step forward and explain how I should proceed. I was recalling how Attorney Carey said that I was the Poster Boy by the Worcester Dicoese.  Fr. Deibel saying that all he was doing was “leading me to the Cross.” The Msgr. Pedone pushing his finger into my chest and saying “Canon Law is all over for you.”

                The answer was in the Diocese’s “total silence.”  I have been airbrushed out of the picture. But, I was still on station. I may have been airbrushed out. But there is the other half of the picture still on the screen with more questions than answers. I hoped each day that someone would question of who had been airbrushed out and who did the airbrushing?

June 19, 1998

I notice certain works being used around this time that were repetitive. Words like abuse, withheld reports, cover-up in general and with the Church meliu.

I was driving through Spence, Massachusetts and a sing read “Speak-up abut tax abuse.” The  media had a festival on the Church at this time about withheld repots and cover-up statements.

The atmosphere at this time even had a Bishop resigning over the sexual abuse scandal for a first time.

A. W. Richard Sipe, author of Sex, Priests and Power: Anatomy of Crisis, called the June 2 (1998) resignation of Bishop J. Keith Symons of Palm Beach, Fla., after an accuser came forward, Sipe said ‘another crack in the Vatican wall.’ 28 This was the first Bishop in this country that resigned due to sexual allegations.

Sipe was quoted in this article “ ‘You can’t be celibate until you know what sexuality is,’ he said. ‘When people are unprepared for celibate reality, they fall into uncelibate practices.’ The church still is producing priests that are ‘emotinallly 13 year old when they are ordained,’ he said.” 29

“Fred Berlin, Sipe’s colleague at John Hopkins University School of Medicine, said there is no cure for pedophilia, but it can be successfully treated. Society can’t just ‘write people off,’ said Berlin, founder of the John Hopkins Sexual Disorder Clinic.” 30

Then this article “ ‘I want to believe him,’ Bishop Rober Lynch of St. Petersburg, Fla., said at the new conference. ‘But sometime there is such deep denial, they don’t remember what they did.” 31 This quote had me reacting because denial is a fact of innocence. Bishop Lynch is generalizing and distorting what denial really is in our society.

I read this article and wondered if this is that was why the Diocese was continuing sending me to Dr. Zeman and AA with nothing else. The brush the Diocese was using is that it covers all in their approach- everyone is the same. I reacted because there was the famous “immaturity” word that Rueger was using to Weber. There was, also, the issue of Harrington saying to Dr. Zeman is “We will find a psychiatrist that will make him (Kardas) a pedophile.” The IOL stood by their evaluation of me, not being a pedophile, in my final evaluation. But, the church hierarchy had a point to prove. Period. There was the notorious quote coming to my mind of Harrington: “You’re guilty till proven innocent.” 

June 20, 1998

                The Diocese of Worcester was in Superior Court being accused of “allegedly  withheld reports, letters and other information” in a case against two priests who a Spencer man alleged was sexually molested as a teen-ager. The defense lawyer for the Diocese, Joanne L Goulka told the judge that the “1972 report wasn't specifically requested and the defense layer had no reason to know whether the report might be relevant to the case.” 32

                This case had Fr. Brendon O’Donaghue and Fr. Peter J. Inzerillo. These names kept reappearing in the media. This case was supposed to go to court for trail. Nothing ever appeared with this particular case.

What came to mind were a number of issues that kept coming to me when I read the newspaper on allegation cases of priest and the Diocese.

I may compare this to the Rod Sterling sequence to the “Twilight Zone.” TV program series.  Sterling would introduce the show with “Enter now….”

Attorney Carey remark to me that the Worcester Diocese had bigger issues than my case  in which they were dealing with. Then he continued saying to me: “You’re a Poster Boy for the Diocese.” But, the when Carey said: Just leave (priesthood) and get out.”

How Bishop Harrington scratched me from St. Matthew’s parish, Northboro as pastor to St. Edward’s, Westminster. Fr. Brendon Dongue was able to visit St. Edward’s and view the situation. Then, he gets St. Matthew’s and Kardas get bumped to Westminster. The living condition in the rectory at St. Edward’s  were very unhealthy conditions.

Then I go over to how Bishop Harrington who used his position of declaring to me: “You’re guilty till proven innocent.”

  I, also, recalled how when in the January of 1993 how Harrington told Tinsley on leaving St. Edward’s that the TGB Office sing will come down. I was standing on his side just wondering what game this comment was all about. It didn’t take long because March, 1993 I had to enter the Chancery “Twilight Zone.” In one of those first meetings where I was called in with Bishop Harrington telling me “There are private detectives following and investigating you as we speak. Also, another issue was how. in one of the meetings with Harrington and lawyers, Harrington disclaimed that he never knew that I ever went to Beech Hill, NH for alcohol treatment. He was the one that was called by Fr. Paul Foley of Holy family of Nazareth, Leominster and personally approved me immediately be driven by Foley.

Then Bishop Rueger was telling priest at clergy meetings that any priest is free to see his personal file in the Chancery at any time. Why was this a  issue to be on the front burner at this time? Rueger’s classic comment saying: “If there was one (complaint), no problem. But there are two complaints. More is going to come out on you!” Besides Rueger doing the breath smelling approach on me for at least two to three years previous to the March ’93 bombing. Possibly, it may have been something else than breath smelling approach on Rueger’s part? Added to this for Rueger to come for the Confirmation in  April of ’93 and tell the candidates that they “don’t have to listen to Fr. Kardas (Pastor).” This was  because I had the candidates continue on in some parish ministry after their Confirmation under the direction of  Mystagogy (action).  Rueger was complimenting the Confirmation candidates to an exit sacrament and undermining my role as Pastor of St. Edward’s. Oh! I had to sit in the sanctuary while Rueger was preaching this message.

There even was the conversation about the Chancery Building flooding where my cousin John Bish, Sr. who  told me that it was a “conspiracy.” Would this have anything to do with missing documents?

Bishop Harrington re-created the Diocese to be the “Twilight Zone.” I ministered in this atmosphere of confusion, despair, guilt, doubt, character assassination  and overall unhealthy stress conditions. Where was God in all of this but showing me an “Exit Strategy”? 

June 21, 1998

                I was hoping for some form of advocacy. I wanted my case re-opened. What came to mind, time and time again, was a remark that Carey made to me: “You can re-open this any time you want.” What I had to realized next with this thought, have a lot of money to put on the table for this to happen.

                I had no advocacy at all since I resigned my Pastorship. I was put on a shelf. Yet, I was thinking in a hopeful nature that I was going to get my chance to put my case on the table. 

June 23, 1998

Bishop Rueger has some interesting movements in days of last. He moved back to St. Stephen’s Rectory where he lived previously under Bishop Harrington. But Bishop Reilly moved him into his residence when he arrived in the Diocese. But this past month Rueger moved back to St. Stephen’s.  Did Bishop Reilly bring him into the Bishop Residence. Was this a “protective umbrella” technique or what? Bishop Reilly moved Rueger back to Highridge Road (Bishop's Residence) before the March, 1995 article about my allegations also naming Rueger in the suit in The Worcester Telegram. Now, we have 1998 and Reilly moved Rueger back to St. Stephen’s Rectory. Watch the bouncing ball with Rueger.

What I was hearing people say was that there was “pious lies” being said by the Worcester Diocese. When I heard this term, I recalled reading Fr. Bernard Haring, Vatican II peritas- expert and moral theologian who has said this term a number of times in his writings and talks. This was the atmosphere that I was living with. 

June 27, 1998

                I went to read the Worcester Telegram  and The Boston Globe because I heard on WBZ radio news on the day before about Fr. Bob Kelly and the Worcester Diocese. They had a sit against them by a girl from Maine. This girl, unnamed, claimed the Worcester Diocese knew about Kelly. The radio report, also, interviews a representative of Abuse Group that said that “guys are out there.” I was not sure what this interview was directing itself because it was the famous “sound bites” by the media.

                Besides everything else, I came to realize the Attorney Carey, my civil lawyer, looked like Morton Dowley, Jr. of national TV. talk show host. 

July 1, 1998

                I was spiritual reading Fr. Bernard Haring’s work Free and Faithful. Haring’s The Law of Christ was my Moral theology texts in the seminary and spiritual reading throughout my priesthood. He wrote in this book “Love of Jesus is often a critical love. We have to examine our own conscience and will view Jesus’ critical love for us…love ourselves critically. The word criticism comes from the Greek rot Krinein ‘to judge or distinguish.’ Pope Alexander VI is an example of chaste. In our pluralistic era, Catholicism that blindly conforms to everything that come from Rome are certainly not playing their role as ‘salt of the earth.’ Only those who have clear-eyed vision and praise for what is good in the Church can offer healthy criticism of what is and is not in union with the sign of the times correctly understood. Virtue of a loving criticism are models as great prophets of Israel and great prophetic figures of the Christian world. Vatican II spoke of the virtue of criticism be in solidarity to exercise the gift of discernment to see what holds promise for the future in the the life of the Church to foster it and to get rid of useless routine. Human beings who have been permanently sterilized or castrated can no longer transmit life.” 33

                This was some of the stuff I was encountering abut telling my story. It is the deep “love” I have for the Church. Don’t forget, I had to face the slippery style of the Polish National priest about joining their Church.

                I had coffee today with Bob Kalagher. He was a parishioner who worked with me on the Pastoral Council, Building Committee especially acting as an unofficial “clerk-of-the-works.” Bob had this coffee with me to get from me what was happening with my “case.”

                This was the regular run-of-the-mill contacts with me at this time. People called or wanted me for dinner to get the latest on my situation. I, actually, had a “pat answer” approach because I was never sure what would get back to the Chancery Mob. I carried the message of what Fr. Lynch told me: “There is a dragnet going through the water.” I explained that one has to watch where the spotlight was not showing approach  I did explain that I was isolated except for the annual May 23rd card from the Bishop on my ordination anniversary. Besides this, I heard nothing what so ever. Nothing. I felt shelved. So, if Bob or anyone else had questions about my case, I would say they know as much as I do.

                I didn’t say it but when I said I felt isolated, I was really saying the loneliness was very difficult to handle. What I wanted to say but did not : Who is the real victim in all of this? The word “victim” is used in so many different ways in this day and age.

                What I didn't mention to Bob was that my case was a circular self-spin with no bottom. There was more dept in my situation that had a lot more than I imagined. Anything I did or would do would be wrong because I showed that Harrington did more than most people imagined.

                I finished my day with a letter to Fr. Deibel. 34 I sent him an article about the Worcester Diocese and a number of trails taking place in Worcester. I informed him how a new pastor was named to St. Edward’s on the first week of May. I mentioned how this was five years to the week when I was order by the Chancery to go to Hartford for an evaluation. I wrote how Bishop Harrington told me in 1993 that this would take five hears.  Strange, how I was used by “painting by the numbers” approach. Fr. Deibel was in Napa California, who said that he was walking me to the Cross. He was not far off with that statement.

                Actually, I realized that fr. Deibel was finished with helping me. But, I sent him this update fully aware that he was done with me. But, I wanted to show him how the Worcester Diocese was operating. It was “closure.” 

July 3, 1998

                The thinking had me wondering again and again. I had to realize that my situation was a misuse of authority, expressing bewilderment, making me feeling demeaned and the authority pushing to want me out. The vision that I carried with my ordination to the priesthood was replaced with disillusion.

                I was making sacrifices. One priest friend asked me if my case was a circle or an eclipse with the Diocese?

                This period of time had me realizing that I had come to “dead end” with the Civil and Canon Layers by their technique of not returning any responses to my notes. The last notes that I sent each of these lawyers was with a written note “For your perusal.” 

July 15, 1998

                I just was thinking and reminiscing this day how “the Group that gave me my Pearl Harbor- Worcester Chancery” knew that I was aware of Bishop Harrington’s automobile accident while driving drunk and hitting a teenage girl driving another car. They knew that I heard that the police rushed and slipped Harrington away from the accident. But the father of the girl, Frank Palmer, was telling me the whole story at Bob the Hot Dog’s Truck in West Boylston in January of 1993. The girl’s father wanted to know my name and asking what I thought about Bishop Harrington. My answer was that Bishop Harrington had a tough job.

                I realized that since I was ordained not many priest would ever get so many situation in one lifetime. This must have a movie. It was not.

                I recalled how I heard once that part of setting a goal is finding a way to reach it. I was put by the Diocese in isolation or another way to describe it- being put on a shelf. Because of this, I realized that I was losing the edge. But, each day I would being with another day to try to prove my innocence.

                Instead of thinking that I was at a “dead end,” I used a positive approach with “should” statements. Instead of feeling incomplete and inadequate feelings which are not good sources for action, I should use words “ought” or “need to.”

                Instead of carrying feelings of incompetence, indecency, failure or heaping shame on myself, I have substituted “want” and “would like to” for “should.” Ex.: I want to succeed and I would like to express myself with clarity. 

July 21, 1998

                Dianne Williamson of the Worcester Telegram and Gazette wrote a column of “Court raps diocese's knuckles: Pretrial rulings involving suits alleging pedophilia,” about the Worcester Diocese. 35 She wrote how “lawyers for victims frustrated with the Diocese’s continued patterns of hedging and hiding as the deposed witnesses and prepare their case, filed motions for the sanctions in April “35

                What was of interest to me was the names Fr. Brendon O’Donhue and Fr. Peter J. Inzerillo were the priest mentioned. These two names always have my opening my eyes wider when I read about them. What I began to realize more than ever was how the Diocese ”circled their wagons” on certain priest. Why was that? I was noticing a certain patter with certain priest names because of certain disparaging remarks that Harrington, Rueger and other Chancery Gran Officials made personally to me. Yet, certain priest seemed to be sacred.  

July 25, 1998

                What I was noticing with different priest and talking with other people was the issue of resurging clericalism in the Diocese and the American Catholic Church. I heard the expression said to me that certain groups of clergy are “re-sealing themselves” in the ministry.

                I was always attempting to get parishioners to take ownership of their parish and their faith. I stressed to be adult in their faith and we all work in collaboration in the parish.  Things were changing or re-establishing itself because of power and authority.

                When I spoke about this, people that I thought were interested in renewal were not. This was where I though of the poster I had in the side of the Church at St. Edward’s- The Church is not a gas station but a faith community. I guess not in my lifetime with the restoring clericalism. 

July 26, 1998

                I had a interesting conversation with Mrs Margaret Pelotla on the phone. She was a former religious sister.

                She asked me if I ever had these two girls in my car? It was that typical “paint-by-the-numbers approach.” People that asked that type of question , I believe had a set scenario in their mind.

                So, I gave her he same answer that I gave the Chancery Gone Squad, Hartford (Institute of Living) and my lawyers: I, always, had people with me going or coming in my car. What I was saying was: I was with my people. I had not hidden agendas, being deceptive of any private personal agenda. I was just with my parishioners. Having anyone in my car would have been a signal to a lot of closed minded people but  I had a job to do and nothing else- bring Christ in a renewed Church. If people had their minds in the “gutter,” it was their problem. But, It was used against me by a certain mindset- guilty till proven innocent besides what was invented in cockamamie stories. There was the issue of mind-set by certain personality types. Prejudgment was a definite factor by these same type of personalities.

                Margaret had me answer her question with a question instead of a direct answer.

                What I was realizing at this time that everything was going one-way- me on defense. There was to questioning or investigation allowed on my part about the the two girls (victims).

                I was, also, realizing that there was a bigger agenda taking place. I recalled what Attorney Carey said to me in that the Worcester Diocese had bigger problems. This was in connection of him saying to me: “You’re the Poster Boy.” In addition, I recalled Fr. Lynch’s comment: “There is a dragnet going through the water. The good are getting caught up with the bad in this dragnet” 

August 12, 1998

                This day is the first anniversary of my “forced” resignation as Pastor of St. Edward’s. What was most on my mind? I was thinking how Fr. Pedone, Canon Law Vicar, pushed his finger into my chest when I was waiting to get on the elevator leaving the temporary Chancery. I had the deep lost feeling that would re-surface especially this day.

August 15, 1998

                I was given a message to call Fr. Kilcoyne. I called and he said that he would like us to get together for  dinner. I told him I was living in an efficiency apartment in Gardner and gave him my phone number. I, actually, was listed in the telephone book.

                He asked me if he could help me in any way. I believe this was a conversation gesture because he knew that I was on limited pay with not rectory benefits. But, I did say that I would like to get my personal belonging out of the rectory.

                Kilcoyne asked me what my thinking was on him being assigned to St. Edward's? I told him that the parish has been blessed. He, then, told me that he wanted to get in contact with me because he believed that I was still at Hartford (Institute of Living) according to the Chancery.

                Then, he asked me: “How has that been for going to therapy? I told him that I was doing it “under the obedience to my Bishop.”

                Kilcoyne then said that he would see me on Sunday at 7:00 p.m.  for me to pick-up my belongings that were boxed and up in the attic.

                When we finished talking, I had that barfing feeling in my emotional stomach. I experienced a burning feeling on my arms because of anxiety. I, also, felt as not being able to find a corner to find peace. My mind began racing with recalling how Rueger called me on April 3rd to get to the Chancery. This continued “stinken thinking” continued for me in remembering was my contact person. This same person was named in the lawsuit by the two girls. Now, the Diocese was having him as the person that I had to talk

with concerning any issues that I may have had. Is there something wrong with this picture?

                I had to step-back and look at the bigger picture. I had by now connected enough dots to get somewhat of a picture of what I was facing. But, it was not a clear picture.  

August 18, 1998 

                I received a note from Fr. Jim Mangelluzo. He was wondering how my conversation with the Diocese was going since our last meeting in Cambridge. 36  He is living in Leominster and teaching at Weston, Cambridge. I was asking him questions about taking a few courses at Weston in the graduate level for an update in ministry. When I even mentioned this to the Diocese, they reacted very negatively. I realized that I was going to be shelved.

                Jim always was a very personal and caring brother priest. He presented himself and any topic very professionally and with clarity. While he was in the Diocese he was Rector of the Cathedral in Worcester and Director of Worship for the Diocese as a Monsignor.  

August 23, 1998

                Thank you baseball for much needed respect. Because of everything going down with myself and reading and hearing the media on the sex abuse situation nationally, it is refreshing to follow baseball. Besides the annual Red Sox chase, this years home run contest of McGuire, Sousa, and Griffee is top news. Besides reading for details of priest stories, there is the details and specifics of baseball.  

August 28, 1998

                A story appears in The National Catholic Reporter concerning Fr. Thomas Teczar who was a priest of the Worcester Diocese. It seemed he was doing priest duties from 1988 to 1993 in Texas. In this “Brief” it states that Bishop Delaney of Fort Wayne, Texas wrote “I am willing to give Fr. Teczar an opportunity to get back into active ministry, fully ware of the risks that may be involved.” 37 This “brief” mentioned Bishop Harrington of Worcester.

                The Fort Worth, Texas, diocese was facing accusations that it covered up an investigation into sexual abuse by Teczar. He was being charged in 1986 with providing alcohol to a minor and was the target of an investigation of sexual abuse in Massachusetts.

                This was a classic Harrington case of the hidden pea under the shell game that came back in 1993. 

September 5, 1998

                I experienced a retreat in Quebec, Canada for six days. It was different. The location was a retreat house was north of Montreal in the mountains. The ski resort of Mt. Tremblant was near where we visited and even took the gondola ride to the top of the ski resort. This was beautiful country. I traveled and shared a cabin with Fr. Gamache. The staff of priest and brothers at the retreat center spoke French with some English. When we celebrated Mass, it was in French. I celebrated with an English missilate.

                It was a different culture and overall atmosphere to what I have experience since I was ordained. I was glad to get back to my “cave.”

                When we were traveling, Fr. Gamche reacted to one point that I was trying to make in our discussions of ministry. I mentioned how I was reading Converting the Baptized by John O’Malley, S.J. Gamache strongly reacted with: No need to do anything with them (in the pews), Ted!” End of conversation because he was telling me that he is the celebrant in the sanctuary to do his own thing.

                The only time that Gamache talked about my situation was one time that we were taking a walk after dinner. He said: “Your particulars (case) are in a situation where you have no advocacy. You are in a no win situation.” This was abrupt on his part and nothing else was said about my particulars during our six days on this retreat.

                I felt as though I was hit by a bolder on the back of my head. This retreat was some experience- get me out. Better, yet- Where is the escape hatch. 

September 8, 1998

                I was back at St. Edward’s rectory getting my personal items moved out. Fr. Kilcoyne waiting for me in the rectory kitchen. He is a chain smoker. So, with a cigarette, he starts preaching at me that I need rest for my change from one ministry to another “direction.” He then asked me if there was a parish core (click)? He said he didn’t want names. But, he continued to say that all issues to him an answer and that “he is know to fix places-up.” He said that he believes himself to be a “troubleshooter.” This guy had some ego to say the least.

                The Diocese and a certain element of clergy were breeding on “crisis mentality.” A few parishioners were interested in the overall of the parish. But, most people at St. Edward’s were attending Mass and going home.

                Fr. Kilcoyne reiterated that I was “going from one thing and now moving to another undertaking. It’s been five years and enough! Now, it is time for you to move on!” Oh?

                Fr. Kilcoyne tried to impress me with the fact that he had all the answers to questions that have not even been asked.  He had these insights that he needed to tell me. But, he used a psychological  flap on everything. An example of this was that when he said I was in a state of depression.

                What came to mind with Kilcoyne was Clint Eastwood in the movie- Magnum Force where the “Rogue Cops” of an elite style wearing sun glasses and riding motorcycles. These cops were chasing and correcting the system with violence and murder. These cops were in a conspiracy with the police commissioner. This was my image of Kilcoyne and his circle of clergy.

                What I felt was, also, happening was that the underside of the Worcester Diocese was being exposed. But, the Diocese seemed to be acting like Caesar’s wife of old who was portrayed as above and beyond everything. 

September 11, 1998

                I received an interesting invitation to Forty Hours Devotions at my home parish of St. Stanislaw, West Warren, Mass. It was interesting for a number of reasons. First, that Fr. Charlie Borowski, the pastor, would think of sending me such an invitation to attend and have dinner. The second was his note: Just to let you know, you are in our thoughts + prayers + are always welcomed at St. Stanislaw. Your Altar-Brother, Charlie+”38

                This was somewhat of a surprise to receive this invitation. I have not heard or anything from any other brother priest in the Diocese. Charlie did remember me. It did give me a good feeling. But, I did not attend because I still was “shell-shock” after all this time. I was taking one day at a time. People may say what they want. But, I would not have been comfortable to be with that group of Polish priest. Fr. Charlie Borowski’s invitation was appreciated. For that matter, I had not been back to my home parish for over 28 years. So, I didn't imagine I would have know that many parishioners. 

September 14, 1998

                I had a conference with my Spiritual Director. We were talking about my spiritual development or situation since 1993. It was strange how I answered. I talked about an Easter note that I had received a number of years ago from Abby (Marshall) Weber. She visited me while I was stationed at St. Peter’s, Norhtbridge. Here was the person that allegated me visiting with her family during Holy Week. Then a number of years, I had to deal with this. Every aspect of spiritual understanding had to be implemented. What this conference did help me with was open my eyes to a totally different understanding of being used as a “Poster Boy.”

The Diocese was one aspect of this. But, the two “victims” were co-conspirators in having removed from my parish and pastoral ministry. 

I continued my quest to clear my name. But, I had resounding in my head what Fr. Gamache said  to me in Canada: “No win solution.” I am still a person.

September 15, 1998

                There was a Presbysterial (Priest) Meeting at St. Edward’s Jack Keena of Westminster stopped his car and spoke with Bishop Reilly in the church parking lot. Keena had been a letter writer about my situation for some time. Bishop Reilly asked Keena: How is it gong, now?” Keena answered: “We will see!”

Reilly had been know for his concern of the “image” and not people. He had been rumored to have told a priest that he was putting out fires in the Diocese. This comment to Keena by Reilly had an interesting direction after everything else that had been going on.

                I wondered how much he thought about my case gong very wrong against the Diocese and that Chancery Gang that he had surrounding him. So, what they do with me is have me on the shelf- no contact or anything. Actually, I may describe this as “frozen.”

                Actually, I wondered with the words of a song from the 60’s- Is there all there is? This was my feelings at this time. Her I was putting my belongings into storage boxes and having to travel to Hartford and have Dr. Zeman ask: “What are you going to do with your life?” This was the coded language of the Diocese having me in “nothingness” state. Actually, I was feeling the Diocese was sending me to “therapy” for me to leave the priesthood.  

September 20, 1998

                I had lunch with Fr. Gamache. He made a remark towards to me: “There is a room open at June Street (Priest Retirement Home). This is where Fr. Ray Lange was living.”

                Why did he say this to me? Was it because of getting a message to from the Chancery Mob to me? I have watched Gamache operate in that he only does anything for his own benefit- period. I get the impression that Gamache is thinking of my eventual “return” to priestly duties. This I realize will never been in a parish. So Gamache can setting-up for a scenario for replacing him for weekend Masses when he goes on his “5 retreat a year” to Quebec.  

September 21, 1998

Fr. Kilcoyne called and asked if I wanted to go and some Chinese food for lunch? I obliged.

                Kilcoyne immediately started talking that he heard the year 2004 was the 50th celebration of St. Edward’s founding, He was diverting from my initial comment that St. Edward’s parishioners never were recognized by the Bishop  of pay off the mortgage on the newly renovated church or new center. He quickly brushed this topic in his “quick talk” and introduced the 50th celebration.

                When we sat down to eat, Kilcoyne  starts with: “So, Ted, what are you going to do?” This was the second time? He did say that he “understands my pain thing.”

                This had me going back to our first lunch with Kilcoyne. He had to continue from then: “You have to move on! We all have too!” He even said he want to do so many other things.

                He then told me that he saw Bishop Reilly  at Harvard Mass. for Fr. Norman Gorman’s 25th Anniversary of priesthood Mass. He related how Bishop Reilly asked him: “How is it going? Kilcoyne told Reilly that he had met with me and that I all of my stuff out of the rectory. Reilly supposedly was surprised and said: “No problems?” What was he expecting?

                I wondered with just like that? Kilcoyne continued to say that he told the Bishop that: “Everything is O.K. Fr. Kardas has been really hurt through all of this.” I saw Kilcoyne attempting to act like a therapist or games. Then he said that he has been trying to get in contact with Fr. Roberge with no success because “he was out of town.” But, Kilcoyne said he will follow-up to find out where my couch and chairs may be? How about the the list of items that I will give to Bishop Reilly?39 Roberge knew that I had my whole life of belongings in the rectory. He never asked any question concerning my belongings. Someone helped themselves to my possessions? I realized that with my personal belongings gone, how it felt when someone's house had been robbed. I felt defenseless, violated and with no sense of recognition.

                Kilcoyne talked about Fr. Rocco Piccolmini- Vicar for Clergy. He said that Rocco works only for the Bishop in this present administration. He said I had go directly to Bishop Reilly for an appointment concerning my case. Again, he pumped-out that I had to talk to Reilly about moving on.

                Kilcoyne then invited me to attend the next Deanery meeting as a guest in October. He said that he would rap me up and unseal me to the Dearnery brother  priest. He said that I was last at the Deanery meeting and I walked out early even if I was the host.

                I explained to him that it was because I was being called to the Chancery for another one of those meetings with Rueger and Tinsley for interrogation. Besides, I invited the brother priest at this Deanery meeting to go up to the rectory  and enjoy the libations and rectory warmness as long as they have like to stay.

                I told Kilcoyne that I would not have been comfortable attending the Deanery because of what the Diocese may have made of my presence.  Overall, I missed the monthly priestly gatherings and a number of brother priest in this Deanery (area).

                When I was walking back to my car in the parking lot, Kilcoyne was at the rectory garage door and said: “I will keep pushing you to do something.” I turned around and pointed my finger at him and said that he never walked in my shoes or ever think that he could understand what these shoes of mine have walked  through or the path that they have traveled. 

September 27, 1998

                I had a surprised visit by Jack Keena and Ken Gallagher at my “cave.” I haven’t seen Ken for almost five years. Ken was like my right-hand man at St. Edward's. He assisted for funerals in serving, served on the Pastoral Council and chaired the parish Fall Festival.

                Ken told me a few things I was not aware of previously especially with Bob Chatrand of Westminster. It seemed that Chatrand told Ken that he was going to “show” Kardas how to do a Fall Festival and “do other things so different at the parish.” Chatrand was the guy that worked with Carol McCormick at GE, Fitchburg and was constantly visiting Msgr. Collette in a Fitchburg parish concerning what I was doing as the pastor. This Chatrand, with Msgr. Collette advising him, were undermining the whole parish. But, one must be aware that Collette was made a Monsignor by Bishop Harrington and was know of putting his personhood in other people’s business where he had no jurisdiction or anything but being a busy body.

                Chatrand was going to be a self appointed spokesperson for the parishioners of changing the Fall Festival and the Sacramental Program at St. Edward’s. One has to realize that he had a daughter coming-up for Confirmation. The program had basic requirements of attending Mass and planning to do some form of ministry after Confirmation (Mystagogy). Sure, there was a group of parents that were using Confirmation of their youngster as an exit plan especially when they were able to get their youngest child or only Childs through the Sacrament of Confirmation. Another factor was that certain pastors, like Msgr. Collette said to Bob Chatrand that “He (Fr. Kardas) can’t do that.- Mystagogy.” Collette and a few others would not recognize Mystagogy because most likely it would involve more  “pastoral work” on their part What has to be realized is that this is ritual and not a program. Programs are optional, ritual is mandatory. But, that mean anything because it seemed that in most situations, it depended on who you were.

                Oh! Fr. Richard, Msgr. Collette- a.k.a. Meme Collette (Busy Body Collette). 

Ken had supporting words to give me. By the way, Chatrand was gone from the parish a short time after I was sent to Hartford for my evaluation.

Priests, as Collette and Rueger in the Diocese were similar to The Rose Garden of the White House having hidden thorns?

This was my first day of internet in my own place and computer. Now, I had access to do another form of research and communication by e-mail. A new avenue of information and outside contact is available to me. I’m very excited besides realizing I had to learn another “program.” The challenge is now! 

October 7, 1998 (54th Birthday)

                John Bish called me. He talked about a number of issues. He said that the Diocese was concerned about me because of what I could do to them. He said that they are directing me in an alternative carrier or leaving me high and drive.

What I was most surprised about was that I did not speak to him for some time and never mentioned any particulars. I, immediately, speculated that he had been talking to some priest and others about my particulars.

He went on how the Diocese violated my confidentiality by trying me in the press (media). He suggested that I get out of the priesthood. He stressed that it is not what it appears to be. He told me that he read “case law” and had many of these insights. He continued by saying that the Diocese had damaged me and I had to do something.

I thanked him for the call and wishing me “Happy Birthday.” But, when I hung-up the phone, I realized another guy like Kilcoyne, had to impress on me their dynamic insights. I was, but didn’t, relate my previous experience with Kilcoyne of walking in my shoes. In addition, Bish was picking the mind of some priest  where I noticed  by some of his comments to me. It was “priest talk” that is not usual in ordinary circles. One would know this experience from their particular profession jargon.   

October 12, 1998

                One things that I realized was the my experience at this time with anxiety. I recall that whenever anything heavy came at me (Harrington at Hartford), it was usually about 6 hours after the experience, I would get the feeling of being kicked in the groan. It was a very peculiar experience because of the actual situation, I believe I conducted myself with dignity and being professional. But, there was the 6 hour later experience. It would exhaust me to where I would sit down and want to be in private. I did have trouble sleeping somewhat by waking at 3 p.m. and changing my tops of my pajamas.

                I was careful to who and what I said with my experiences. But, I did try to identify and explain what I was going through in my private journal. I was conscious of not being quoted to the Church authorities or anyone else 

October 10, 1998

                I attended a lecture by a Ronald Watson and editor of Ashby to Andersville: The Civil War Diary & Remaneces of Private Geroge A. Hitchcock- 21st Massachusetts Infantry. Watson’s comments that Hitchock was a survivor who wrote “All we really possess is our reputation.” This lecture was given at the First Parish Unitarian Church, Ashby. Watson related that Hitcock was educated by his writing of his diary. Hitchock wrote very well according to Watson. He, also, said that Hitchcock wrote as he was not an angry person.

                My journal (diary) writing had one goal- clear my name and restore the good reputation that I have always strived for in my ministry. As I told Stanley and Kay Giza in my latest visit that I was going to clear my name was working at it. But, Stanley told me you need money to do that. I answered him that I didn’t have the money but I was going to do something and time was going to be used on my part.  

October 23, 1998

                I read an article by Fr. Richard P. McBrien in The Catholic Free Press entitled “Sex abuse in the priesthood.” He addressed the sex abuse crisis with Cardinal Law and others. But, he mentioned that Cardinal Joseph Bernardin of Chicago “had taken a giant step in recent weeks to reverse this terrible and scandalous record and to enkindle hope that Church officials will now confront this crisis directly and honestly. The cardinal’s well-publicized guidelines may become a model for all diocese.” 40

                There never were any guidelines or anything for my situation. I had my Bishop (Harrington) tell me: “You’re guilty, till proven innocent.” Then, I was told by the Worcester Chancery that they would get a hold of me. I heard nothing. Recalled one time that I was told that I was “warehoused” by the Diocese. 

October 28, 1998

                In a discussion with a number of friends, the conversation was how in the last year there was nothing more revealed on abuse in the Worcester Diocese. Did anyone wonder or was there no more money? I was asked if I thought it was strange like a passing storm that is no more.  I wondered. But, it was only a passing moment of what was to come with the Catholic Church in this country. I was trying to keep my “compass in line.”

                The talk from the area had Fr. Peter Inzareelo telling people that all his allegations were because of money situation. 

November 13, 1998

                The local The Catholic Free Press carried the article of “Diocese (Dallas) faces tow new lawsuits.”  The article carried the story about the Diocese of Dallas, Texas “that it faces two  new lawsuits filed by the law firm which earlier this year represented most of the plaintiffs in the largest-ever clergy sexual abuse settlement.” 41. 

                The money element is becoming the issue in the media with intensity. One priest who was retired (Old Timer) told me this was all exploitation. 

December 6, 1998

                The different conversations between priest on things happening with the allegations were diverse. I heard that the older priest were saying that this was a classic situations of exploitation. But, there were priest like Fr. Andrea Guinette who “hated” priest that were allegated. It was told me because he was a teacher in a Catholic High School at one time. But, I was told that priest like Guinette would want the spot light somewhere else especially away from himself. Many knew Guinette lived like a king and always was at the golf course instead of doing parish duties. He was known as the pastor who was never at his parish, drove the big car and spent his time each day at the golf course. Guinette was know by other priest as being “slick” in him ministry and knew how to push that spotlight onto their directions.

                Priest were asking the Bishop, at clergy meeting, if any of the Diocesan Capital Campaign Fund Drive, which was being conducted, going to be used to pay sexual abuse suites. The Bishop told them that no funds of this drive were going to be used.

                Then the questions was asked of the Bishop abut the statue of limitations issue. He responded that all that of time issue meant nothing to abuse cases.

                So, my case was in the realm of a mystery. What I getting was the “statue of limitations” and “just go away from the Diocese. Bishop Reilly did tell me in one of the our meetings that he was not able to assign me because I had a suite against me. But, what kept resonating was his question at this particular meeting: What did they (Chancery Mob) do to you here (Chancery/Bishop’s Residence)? Bishop Reilly was asking me what Harrington’s “Hit Squad” did to me? This question has more ramifications than I believe it had at that point. I believe there are civil and canonical implications on the Church’s part? 

December 12, 1998

                I had a interesting conversation with Martti Peltola who had been helping me with computer work. He said to me “courage” in what I was encountering. He reminded me that Dan Rather of CBS News uses that term in his broadcast.

                One immediate conversation that occurred this day was with Connie Rivard. I saw her practically every day. But, this day talking with her, she made a peculiar statement to me: “There must be some truth in what has been written (about my case) .” What I was surprised with in her statement was that Connie and myself talked a number of times of what I experienced and overall explanation of my case to her. But, I realized that certain in-laws of Connie and her acquaintances never accepted me as Pastor or any logical explanation of my case. I knew that she defended me to these critics. But, they were never happy with anything but a “gloom-and-doom” version. She was defending me and those certain individuals already were following a picture that “painted-by-the-numbers.” These people had perceived judgments. When Connie made that statement to me, I was somewhat surprised and realized she was getting it from all sides about my case. Time was a factor that was being used against me. The technique of the Worcester Diocese of “warehousing” me and people not hearing anything from me directly was a major factor of out-of sight, out-of mind. This was being played out by the powers-to-be. 

December 17, 1998

                In my next scheduled appointment with Dr. Zeman had me listening to statements on his part that had me again realize- I was history.

                He talked tome how how the Worcester Diocese had warehoused me. He then said how my allegations were long ago. Now what? He suggested, as I understood him, to keep coming back for counseling to overcome my “fears.” I believe he was insinuating that he was able to help me with that part. What I, also, sensed was that he was directing me to give myself a Christmas present by talking to someone of “job counseling” direction.

                Again, I had the difficulty to relate to Dr. Zeman that I am in a “vocation” and not a “job change.” If there is to be this direction, I will have a lawyer sit next to me when I have to meet with the Bishop on any future issue. 

December 19, 1998

                I read an article in America magazine of this day- December 19, 1998 entitled “Sexual Abuse Discussed At Synod.” Auxiliary Bishop Geoffrey J. Robinson of Sydney reported that “sexual, physical and psychological  abuse by priest and religious is a major obstacle to preaching the Gospel in Ocenian.” This article continued that it raise the “most open treatment of sexual abuse at a Vatican forum since U.S. bishops raise the issue in meeting with Pope John Paul II and other officials in 1993. At that time many at the Vatican saw it as an ‘American’ problem, but times have changed. Bishop Robinson told the media ‘And this is the tip of the iceberg.’ Italy and other countries only now appear to be coming to terms with the problem. The recent Italian cases have included church personnel, but as Bishop Robinson emphasized, sexual abuse is ‘a problem of the whole world, not must the Catholic Church.’ “ 42

                I, always, watch anything that relates to 1993. This was when I heard from Fr. Lynch of “the dragnet is going through the water” with Bishop Harrington’s performances against my character.  

December 20, 1998

                I visited Bob O’Brien at his Bob’s Hot Dog Truck to wish him a Merry Christmas. Out of no where, he says to me in his truck that I considered a “pervert” by some people. I had to get my name cleared in the newspaper and media to change that label. He was unhappy about saying it to me and said this to me because the Worcester Diocese or anyone else do about my name.

                I was caught by this reaction on Bob’s part towards me. It was like another punch in the stomach. It hurt.  

December 25, 1998

                I said Christmas Mass in “The Cave.” I said my Divine Office and the Christmas Readings were the “Message of Incarnation” of Pope St. Leo. I gained strength from this readings and private reflection with celebrating the Eucharist (Mass).

                I struggled with another issue this day of where the Gizas said nothing about me attending their Christmas Eve dinner which was part of how I now was celebrating. I noticed when I spoken by phone with the Gizas a few days before and that they both were “jumpy” in our conversation. In that phone call, they told me that they were going to have 40-45 people for New Year’s Day Dinner. They never invited me or asked if I was interested to come for this gathering. This was another of those “punch in the stomach” experiences. These people were who I considered to be a “step-family.” But, I realized that it was always Stanley and Kay Giza that were the core of this concept for me. Obviously, it did not go any further than them. By the Gizas’ nervousness that I detected in the phone call, it was another experience of being alone in life’s journey. 

December 28, 1998

                I had an interesting conversation with some friends from Leominster, It seemed their son-in-law, Tim was becoming a Catholic in a parish north of Boston.  He and his wife were members, at one time, of the Boston Church of Christ. They moved and were married in the Southwest and returned to the Boston area. Tim decided he wanted to became a Catholic which he wife was previous to her joining the Boston Church of Christ. I was told that Tim went to the area Catholic Church and met with pastor. The good Monsignor told Tim that he would only have to take a few instructions with the Monsignor in private to become a Catholic. There was no talk or anything of the R.C.I.A process for Tim. Supposedly, the Monsignor told him that he was beyond the R.C.I.A. and gave him individual instructions. I was told that Tim “got his teeth in Church Dogma”.

                I was told that Tim them related in the whole issue of my particulars with a statement: “The Church got rid of all it’s “bad apples.”( Priest’s Allegated)  I was told that the Monsignor was a priest who knew he wanted to be a priest as a little child. When he made his First Communion, he knew he wanted to be that priest. The Monsignor, according to Tim, never had a question of what he was to be and do. Tim related that the Monsignor had no Parish Council and only a Finance Committee. But, Tim said that this parish was run very much “up on the board.”

                I knew Tim somewhat and realized he was a staunch Fundamentalists in religion and life’s issues. But, Tim told his in-laws that anything in religion had to be proven in specific words and point to it in the Bible. Tim said that he needed that type of approach as knowing what time and day he had salvation given to him.

                So, the Monsignor instructed him that here is the question (argument) and gave him the specific answer. They had a step by step approach to every issue in Tim’s instruction- issue and detail by detail answer. It sounded as though even The Baltimore Catechism may have too radical for this this of instruction.

                I knew Tim somewhat. He was a person who thought that people should debate a “certain way” and not be argumentative. This definitely was a certain type of personality.  Tim carried his basic fundamentalist approach from the Boston Church of Christ into his Roman Catholic model.

                I did get a chance to have a pizza with Tim. We had know each other for some time. He told me somewhat of a summary of what the in-laws told me. He said that he was told that he did not need the R.C.I..A. because  he was beyond that in that the Monsignor and himself studied Dogma for him to become Catholic. Tim related that the Monsignor was able to take the Inquisition and give a total breakdown of what happened in Tim’s instruction. Tim described how he got his “teeth” into The Church of Christ. So, Monsignor gave him private lesson on the Dogmas of the Catholic Church. Tim had everything in the Dogma picture. What that may mean was whatever Tim wanted as a answer was Dogma. It is different where things had to be black and white. Most people operate in the gray area s of life. But that was not the way with Tim and the Monsignor.  

December 31, 1998

                It was the last day of the year and I made a list of a number of thoughts I was contemplating in the past month of the past year or so:

                I was getting fewer calls from people that I considered my friends. The phone in my room was silent with deafening silence.

                Not being invited to the Giza clan New Year’s Day celebration had me in a downer attitude.

                I recalled how in 1993, Bishop Rueger, in one of those “hot house kitchen” interrogations, saying to me: “The only place you (Ted) would be going was a monastery.”

                I was wondering about a conversation I had with my cousin John Bish who said he was going to get me a lawyer to fight with my case. Johnny said : “You were set-up.” I never heard anything more about this lawyer from him again.. But being “set-up” had me reflecting on how the Diocese was protecting certain people. Then Bishop Reilly’s question to me at the November meeting: “What did they  do to you here?” )Bishop Residence/Chancery)

                It was bothering me what Bob O’Brien said: “You are know as a pervert until the Diocese clear your name in the newspaper.”

                The “Poster Boy” label that Attorney Carey told me. He said it was what the Diocese was using against me for to get media  and lawyers off their cases off the front page. This may have been the new National Policy of the Catholic Church and the Diocese was going to use my to be the example. Was this the “dragnet” that Fr. Lynch told me about. It must have been the notorious comment by Bishop Harrington: “Your guilty till proven innocent.” In plain English- you are gone attitude.

                I recalled how G. Ronald Leger of Westminster told me that I should worry about Msgr. Edward Tinsley of the Diocese of Worcester. He was rumored to have been the one that ran the Diocese when Harrington was Bishop. G. Ronald told me this after he had a meeting concerning me with Harrington and Tnsley. This was an interesting insight of G. Ronald.

                I was feeling as a non-person by the Diocese of Worcester. There was an article printed in The Catholic Free Press about Steve Gemem of St. Edward’s , Westminster. My name was never mentioned as a previous pastor or anything.

I felt duped. But, I tried to explain it as a mystery, a puzzle as something to be untangled.

The issue of debunking popular thinking in where people thought they knew what was going on. No one knew who was on first and what was on second.

A huge concern of mine was in how the Worcester Diocese was “warehousing” me. I had the story of stories about Bishop Harrington, Msgr. Mannin with Grace Talbot, Bishop rueger, Msgr. Collette and Robert Chatrand of Westminster and “The Boys-In-The-Band.”

Therefore, I kept dialoging, finish my task, tried to keep patient and did not change my dynamics of collegiality and shared responsibility model of personhood..

A good summary from a positive direction for me to carry during this holiday season was a Christmas card that I received from Mrs. Anita Dube of St. Edward’s, Westminster.  She wrote: “It bothers me that your situation is still in limbo. Please take heart that I think of you often and remember how you made me consciously think of my faith and religion. How it made me aware of others in a real way. I miss that structure you inflicted. I have tried to adjust to the change of leadership. But so far, it’s been a bit frustrating.”

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